Betrayed,

I am sorry to hear so you feeling that way. I mean what to expect after what you have lived. I take so long to recuperate, I am feeling better because I have had any contact for long, but everytimes I am in touch with somehow something related, I fall back. But at least it is changing me, I feel I have to fight for the good, anhilate the bad which is omnipresent. I wish I could help you out. Hang in there you will slowly recuperate and I am sure your rebirth would be worth living.

Betrayed!!!
Glad to hear you are "staying" with us. . .but sure do understand what you mean about having to take a break from posting every so often. I also have taken a couple of mini breaks when because I begin to feel all the old stuff come up again.
I am keeping focused on myself and my own "stuff" right now and keeping my mind off P#2.
I stopped by the store yesterday and pulled in exactly the same time he did. I could tell he was trying to engage me in conversation and trying to keep me there. I could sense it. I was standing right by the door when a customer walked in and gave me the opportunity to get away quick. I know what you mean. I started thinking (trance)about him and all that chemistry stuff started working again. Can you believe it? After all he did to me and there it was. Don't anyone tell me this isn't like an addiction to crack cocaine. I sensed myself starting to want a "fix". NO CONTACT. . .NO OTHER WAY. I wasn't planning this (running into him). . .it just happened. . . and after that it took me a few hours to get my head clear again. . .(I still think I need to move away from here). . .
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers(((betrayed)))and your little granddaughter. Be real good to yourself dear forum friend. . .you deserve the very best things in life!
(((betrayed)))
:-)
finished

Hi finished and everybody,

>>I started thinking (trance)about him and all that chemistry stuff started working again. Can you believe it? After all he did to me and there it was. Don't anyone tell me this isn't like an addiction to crack cocaine. I sensed myself starting to want a "fix".<<

I totally believe it, finished. I don't know how many times this last year I tried to get away from the P. and had major withdraws. Always going back for another "fix".

I find myself at my new office being very cautious. I'm scared to have fun. I don't want to get close to anybody. I tell myself often, do not share personal stuff, just keep it professional and be nice. After what I have been through being cautious is the only way to go right now. It will take me quite some time to trust again. I don't want to allow anybody in, period.

I miss being here as often. My new job is keeping me really busy right now.

Take care, everybody,
betterway

Betterway

>>I tell myself often, do not share personal stuff, just keep it professional and be nice. After what I have been through being cautious is the only way to go right now. It will take me quite some time to trust again. I don't want to allow anybody in, period.<<

I think you are also being wise. After the P encounter of the worst kind, it won't happen easily again. I continue to pray that I learn from this experience to trust and listen those first instincts (red flags)AND my friends. . .

I also miss being here as often. I'm on a major job hunt.

Love to all,
finished
:-)

"No Contact" - I am learning more and more each day how important it is. I am going through a phase right now where I am okay if the P. doesn't call. And I don't call him. Then he calls me yesterday and left a message. I called him back (because I have been missing him). We also have a couple business deals I have to talk to him about so we can close them out. He was nice in a P. kinda way, if you know what I mean. Actually asked me how I was, it seemed like a forced question for him. Then in an instance he blew me off, ended the call in an abrupt way. Like his mind just totally switched gears. (now that is the P. I know). After the call I felt the yuckiness of just hearing his voice. I tried to read something into everything he said, my mind started playing the games again.

Today I am going to let it go, and enjoy today. I am moving on with my life. I have accepted (almost anyway) what the P. has done to me. There are new people in my life as coworkers that is, and I will be very careful with them. I am no longer naive to the workings of evil in the business world. I hope I will never ever be pulled in to that crap again. Like someone said though in one of the posts, the P. makes us feel so good, temporarily, helps us to break free of all our troubles and have fun. I have to find a balance and somehow learn to have fun again but in a emotionally safe way.

Hope everybody has a P. free day!

betterway


PS finished, how are you doing with the "No Contact"? Is he still calling you?

Betterway

>>He was nice in a P. kinda way, if you know what I mean. Actually asked me how I was, it seemed like a forced question for him. Then in an instance he blew me off, ended the call in an abrupt way. Like his mind just totally switched gears.<<

P called last Monday. Did exactly the same thing. Business call. . .yeah. .. right. . .just an excuse to keep a connection going I've deduced. Very nice, polite. . .then abruptly. . .I gotta go. . .call you later bye. Haven't heard from him since. I read in one of your posts that "he wasn't done training you yet". That stood out to me in GLARING RED LIGHTS. It's all about what we read in Stalking of the Soul. He could have more truthfully put it. . ."I'm not done brainwashing you yet".

I'm proud of you (((Betterway))). What we are doing is not easy.

I was reading an interesting interview with Sam V (the narcissist) yesterday. I'll post the web site it was on. So very very interesting. Even talked about 12 stepping this. . .which was reassuring to me that I'm taking some right steps (no pun intended) :-).

You too. . .have a happy P free day :-)
finished

(((finished))),

<
Hardest thing I have ever done. I am trying to be positive and keep moving forward. But there are days where I am so so sad. I was just thinking before I met the P. I was shy, a little uptight, but not anything like I am now. The people Im working with right now, I use to work with 6-7 yrs ago. I know they are wondering what happened to me. Im just not energetic, or interested in much small talk. I guess I feel like I have this wall put up, Im still in protection mode from all the evilness of the P. from the last 2 yrs. I feel numb. I know time will be the answer. Some days I have to (like they say in alanon and AA) "fake it until I make it". I bought some note cards at an AA/alanon conference 10 yrs ago that said "take the steps the elevator is broken". If there was a fast way out of the P. world I would take it right this very minute. But since the P experience is so traumatic it will take me one step at a time.

So far my day has been P. free except in my mind. That will be the hardest part to totally free myself from.

betterway

Betterway

>>Hardest thing I have ever done.<<

Emphatically. . .me too. I have been through a lot in my life but this was off the charts for me as well. My heart and my trust were involved in this one. I went many years hiding behind my protective wall. P#2 gently drew me out. I felt very safe with him. I thought I had met someone who would never on purpose hurt me. I was mature enough to realize that hurt feelings can happen but I had every reason to believe he was my friend. If I were hurt it would be inadvertantly, like with anybody that is in a relationship for any length of time. I thought everything could be worked out because of the respect and consideration he had shown me. It sounds like the P you are dealing with may have shown you those same things.

>>the P experience is so traumatic it will take me one step at a time.<<

That is the absolute truth Betterway. The trauma it inflicts is unbelievable to anyone to comprehrend unless they have been there themselves. I was sharing with someone just a while ago (today) that I was so bad, I would have to tell myself to get out of the shower, I had to tell myself to do everything before I did it. . .(not anymore thank God, but that's how bad I was for awhile).

>>So far my day has been P. free except in my mind. That will be the hardest part to totally free myself from <<

It will get easier Betterway. I know it has for me. I'm not sure exactly why but I find myself thinking of him less and less.

But get this. Today I was driving by a place where we had been "together". I started thinking about it and him and on and on. . etc. I had a call come in and while I was on that call guess who called. I checked my missed calls and there was his number. I did not call him back but it really made me think (about my thinking about him).

>>That will be the hardest part to totally free myself from.<<

Baby steps, baby steps ((betterway))you are making progress. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hard this is. Unfortunately, there is no easy way out. It's hard work one day at a time. I so relate girl.

finished

Oh forgot. The address to read the comments by Sam V is:
http:/www.nypress.com/16/7news&columns/features.cfminterviewbynypress
If that doesn't work let me know. I'll get back on my email and cut and paste.
Very interesting. . .
finished

Finished,

I haven't look too much at the posts lately. I am distancing slowly from that world, slowly I am indeed thinking less of that. It will go away. You mention that today you thought of him again and again, and bingo he called you... That has happenned to me so many times, right when I think of him, I see on him on the street, or I ran into him. It is really weird... But yes, I have been better, I have my downs and ups, but things will chage as I find a new directions.