My english isn´t very good so I will try to be as clear as possible. I have just married a guy who is, according to Marie-France Hirigoyen parameters, a pervert abuser. At present I am taking care of my baby, but he has been trying to obtain the full parental custody. All of this has been referred to the argentinian justice depatment and I will request for him a psychiatric evaluation, in order to do this I would need an expert guide or reference points for this type of patology.
I would really appreciate your help,
Regards
Mary

I am going to try to be brief. My English isn’t very good.
I have 28 years old and he has 40 years old. He is very religious; he belongs OPUS DEI. The majority of his friendly are minors who he. He lives in the building of his mother, in another department.
I married the past year and I was pregnant immediately. The day of the legal wedding, he pushed to me and he threw me to the floor. That day, his mother felt bad and she made a little scandal in the party.
Later, we were to honeymoon and we spend a good moment.
When we returned, he started with more aggressions. First he said me:- You don’t inspire me sexually-. (Before the wedding we had sex).
He started to shout to me every day. He angered with me continuously; because I did not cook well, because I was not going to administer the money well in the future, because I did not wash the clothes well, because I did not help him in the tasks of the home, because I slept to much. If I became ill, he angered with me because that, and that day he called me very followed. In a discussion, he leaves me locked up in the bedroom during one hour. He was going away to sleep to his mothers house all the weekend. He defended to his mother in front of his family while his mother raised the voice to me. Sometimes he spent three days without speaking to me. Every day he arrived from the work with two liters of beer and he watch television. But sometimes he was very charming. Other times he said me:-immature [censored]-.
To both months of married I left it by recommendation of a priest, who gave me to read “Moral Harassment” of “M.F. Hirigoyen”.
Throughout the pregnancy, he sent me messages, some days of love, and some days horrible. He called to me and he left messages all the time. He sent me email, some days of love, and some days horrible again. He called to my friends, to my parents, to my brothers. He called to my doctor (obstetric) continuously, he goes to his office, he spoke with the secretary, he send him a registered legal letter.
I started a married invalidity, and he attempt to say what I didn’t be able to be with my self and with my baby. When my baby was born he continued with this moral harassment in a different ways. I make a formal complaint in a court with witness for his aggressions.
He does not give me money for our daughter.
At present I am taking care of my baby, but he has been trying to obtain the full parental custody All of this has been referred to the Argentinean justice department and I will request for him a psychiatric evaluation, in order to do this I would need an expert guide or reference points for this type of pathology.
He has a lot of powerful contacts in the justice and in the church. He has a lot of money and a excellent lawyer
I really need an expert guide or reference points for this type of pathology. Please, help me. I would really appreciate your help, I need it. Thanks.

hello Inda Meri.
hello again.
I understand what you are writing perfectly so no probems there!!!!
You are a very brave woman for taking the steps you already did.
Jan gave you the link in blue that you can click on and you will see some more information you can use.
Is your family helping you?
Is there any support for you?
When a priest recommends you to leave the marriage then it had to be very, very bad. Is this man willing to help you more? Can you go and speak about things at least?

I am also thinking about support groups of battered women. If there are any of those in your country then please contact them for they can give you plenty information about which steps to take and where you can go for more help, also practical help.

I do hope you find this forum helpfull and when you want to talk about things..we are always here!
Regards Segaya

Thank you very much Segaya.
It was a very difficult decision, but I didn’t have other chance, because I was pregnant and my baby danger run. I think she ( my Baby) gave me value, anger.
I returned to speak with that priest and he help me more. Then I was talk with a lawyer
And then I was start a therapy, but they can’t help me with some things.
My ex husband, anger much with my decision, and he continuous his mental persecution against my.
He comes to visit our daughter, and he put aggressive again. Twice with me, and other with my parents; but the worse thing was he had the baby in his arms in his moments of aggressiveness. And the baby cried, and he seemed not to realize, not to notice it.
I am scared to him, especially by my daughter.
Thanks for the support.

Hi indian meri,
I am so glad you got tis priest to talk to. He seems like such a nice and wise man.
I know what you mean by saying the baby gives you the strenght to do the things you need to do.I had the same thing when my kids were small.
I know also about being scared all the time and no knowing what to do.
That is why I asked you about organisations in your country that helps womenn like you are.
Is there anyhelp for battered women? are their refugy houses or hidden places you can stay?
I know your baby will give you the courage to keep on going and to be strong.
You came this far on your own and you will keep on going for you don't want your baby or yourself to get in trouble even more.
Is there a possiblity to keep him out of the house of your parents? It is their house so he has nothing to say about it?
be strong
regards Segaya

Hello India Meri

Are you living with your parents? I really do hope as that is a very safe place to be. Try to get the support of all your family and friends for your security. If possible always be with someone you can trust who will be a witness to what your ex husband is doing. You may have to tell them more that you would like them to know so they understand how bad thing s are for you and your daughter.

I don't know the laws of your country and I don't think we have anyone else on the forum from your country who could give us advice. Is it possible for you to get a legal injunction to stop your ex husband from visiting your daughter, It is not good for her to be used by him to hurt you. Can you get a lawyer who specialises in family law?

You need to write down everything he does and says and if it is possible, make a recording of what he says. See if you can get your family to make notes of their experiences with him to back up what you say. You will need every piece of evidence to prove what he is doing, especially as he is wealthy and has people in high places supporting him. Being a member of Opus Dei does not make a bad person good and it's not unusual to find bad people hiding behind a 'club' like this.

Were you able to open the link I posted for the psychopathy checklist? For copyright reasons it is better for us not to copy the list but if you have problems opening this please let me know and I will help you get this information. It is a starting point and there may be a lot more information that would be useful.

Start with the checklist, it may help you understand what else you need to know, I will then see what I can do for you.

We will all help you as much as we can. I hope your little girl was not too upset by this man's cruel treatment.

Look after yourself as you will need to be strong for your daughter.

Regards
Jan

Yes, Segaya, I had luck to know the priest. He is a very perceptive man. You find help for battered woman; but not to much. There is no much legislation for this type of subjects, and there is much ignorance in the Argentinean justice department. And this kind of people (my ex) knows to deceive, to lie and to convince some professionals.
He did not want to pay to a social assistant to saw our daughter. He prefers to hope to fight for another decision of the judge and did not pay the assistant.
Thank you Jan. Yes, in this moment we are living with my parents. I get a lawyer who specializes in family law, but he never work in a case like this. Anyway I think he is a good lawyer, he is very honest.
Yesterday I open the link you posted for the psychopathy checklist. I’m going to try to translate it and to give the material to my lawyer.
I hope he wasn’t upset me and my little girl anymore. My baby is afraid of the masculine voices, and she always start to cry. I hope this fear goes away.
Thank you very much to both by the support and the answers.
Yesterday I received a legal notify from him, to let me know he is not going to pay anymore the medical social work. And he wants to send another to my work reason why payment during the pregnancy and the license by maternity.
I believe he only tries to upset ours life’s.

Regards.

Hi India,

Here is a website for translations. I think the free part you will be limited on amount of text so you might have to break the list down.

http://www.freetranslation.com/

Di

Hi Di,

Thank you for the information. I am going to work in that tonight!!!

Hi india, I am glad and hope it works for you, I have used it a couple of times and was happy to find the site.

Quite awhile ago I saw a show on treatment of women in your country and was quite concerned about the treatment the spouse was allowed to get away with there.

Out of curiosity did you notice his eyes when he would go on the attack?

Di

I think, this work is going to be very useful.
To get away with there with who and where?. The treatment for the Psychopath.? or for the woman?.
That's a interesting questions, because, actually he scared; when he go on the attack, he started to shout and its face disfigured, like as if one left himself; he watched to you fixed, very fixed. As if he was possessed. But in this moment, I memory of that way.

I think, this work is going to be very useful.
To get away with there with who and where?. The treatment for the Psychopath.? or for the woman?.
That's a interesting questions, because, actually he scared; when he go on the attack, he started to shout and its face disfigured, like as if one left himself; he watched to you fixed, very fixed. As if he was possessed. But in this moment, I memory of that way.

The last time I saw him, in the court, he did not watch to me to the eyes; he watched the floor, and he smiled.

Hi India,

When he was being cruel what did his eyes look like?

Di

I remember he looked to my eyes fixed, and without blinking. But I don't remember now another characteristic. His face is putted ugly, with excessive quarrel. Really I did not remember another thing.I'm going to thinck in that.

Hi Segaya, Di and Jan: I don't have any new for the moment. Thanks of God, he doesn't appear yet. But I'm afraid of because it's too much silence. Di, they usually have some characteristic in his eyes when they attack?.
Some persons who may be talk in the court, yesterday told me, the don’t know what to do… I think they feel danger.
Some days I’m tired. This is the beginning of a long history.

I’m trying getting him out of our life, but he really doesn’t want to do it.
I'm really afraid off. Yesterday I received a legal letter notify “inform me” me about he (my ex) today is going to take away my baby at 6 pm to 9 pm. When I received this, I sender to my lawyer, and we present in the judge this and I solicits a provisory regimen of visits with a professional, and an urgent measurement to prohibit him take away my baby today.
I confirm yesterday he follows me for the street, and he know my entire move it. He calls to my home and he hangs down the phone without answering a lot of times in the day.
I prefer just me support my daughter, and getting him out of our life, but I don’t know why, he insist and insist in harass to me.
Does some psychiatric or psychological study exist in order to detect this type of pathologies?
I hope and I believe some day this storm must be end.
Thank so much again.

Hello India Meri

Of course he doesn't want to be out of your life, you are his audience, without you he is without a cause, it is so difficult but you need to take control.
It seems your ex is behaving in a typical way. I would advise not even to phone him, it will let him know you are concerned, you need to show him you are strong and not afraid of what he will try to do. You need to show him you are not threatened or worried even if you are, he is playing games with you. Ignore all his contact, do not respond to him in any way, let your lawyer deal with him. His lawyer will do what he asks him to do because he pays him but that doesn't make it right or legal. The court will decide so you need to keep all the information to present your case if it goes to court. Keep a record of everything.

He is using your daughter as a weapon, what sort of parent does that? You are the caring parent and I know from what you say that you will protect her.

He will harass you more if you respond to him, I know that is hard but it has to be that way. There are lots of studies into this behaviour and I will find some links for you. If you look at the resources on this forum you will find lots of information. Go to 'forum list' at the top of the page and you will see 'resources'.

Let me know if you need more information and I will find it for you. It will take time for you to see that you don't need to be on the defensive and you can turn it round so your ex is defending himself from the facts you present.

The storm will end, they all do. Some take a lot longer than others.

Regards
Jan

Hello Everyone again, I have more news again.
I’m very tired, really, I need to be strong, but today I feel weak.
This morning I was going to the court to saw news, and I found my ex demand me for visits, and the judge it authorized him to take my baby of my house three times per week three hours every time. I am very sad, I am disappointed. My lawyer it let my ex act and he did not do anything and it did not say anything to me.
Tomorrow I’m going to see another lawyer. But I’m so afraid off for my baby. I hate this country, nobody protect me, I’m so alone.
I have a bad day today. But that’s happened.
Tomorrow start.

Hello India Meri

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time, I do wish I could speak your language so I could help. I understand everything you say but it would be better if we could find someone who could translate for us so we can talk more.

It sounds as though you have to force the lawyers in your country to do what you want them to do just like here in the UK and everywhere else. I don't know the laws of your country but I'm sure they must be intended to look after the needs of a child first rather than the father. You will need as much evidence as you can get and it won't be easy. Are you still with your parents? Is there anyone else you could go and stay with to get away from your ex, someone who would stand between you to give you some security?

Maybe Di who is the administrator on this forum will know someone who speaks your language, I'm guessing you speak Spanish but I might be wrong. Please let me know your first language and I'll do my best to find someone who can help us communicate and who may know the laws of your country.

Regards
Jan

India meri,

I really feel for you and understand your fear. You are doing so well (even if you don't feel you are), that your legal system has let you down is a terrible thing, but very normal unfortunately. In many cases, judges wont go against abusers for fear of they themselves being drawn into the abuse. This is not right, but it is a sad fact.

As Jan says, the law here is very similar in the respect that they put parents (usually father) before children. Finding the evidence to protect your child will be hard. It might seem small, but keeping a diary of the things your ex says to you, your family and your child will go some way to recording what happens. Emotional abuse is very hard to prove and this is one way of making sure YOU don't feel like you are going mad!

Keep strong, be strong.

Haze.

Jan, Haze, Di, and everyone:
I didn’t answer before because I was a little depress and disappointed of everything. My language is Spanish, and I really appreciate your help.
I finally change my lawyer, because apparently the first who represent me was arrange with my ex husband’s lawyer.
Anyway, I do my best to protect my baby. But the money and the power usually win. The judge is acting very slowly.
In this country we use a protectionist system “he is innocent, until the opposite demonstrates itself”. And in that time the victim must demonstrates her innocent to, and they don’t give any protection or help during the process. Added to this, we have a written system based on
Roman laws.
I live with my parents now.
My baby is crying every time HE takes her. And when my baby comes home again, she was serious, crying, she does not want to eat, and sometimes she come with scent to cigarette and other times she comes with the clothes wet in rust. And she comes with afraid off.
HE does not give money to the food of the baby.
I’m going to star to keeping a diary of the things HE says or makes to me, to the baby.
But you know, I’m going to fight, but I don’t have any hopes.
May be you can help me, just for be strong, I don’t know what more to do.
The justice here is very very slowly. And you know HE it belongs to the Opus Dei, and they have a lot of power.

I’m watting yours words, Thanks

India

Hello India

I'm sorry to hear how badly things are going for you. I'm not surprised you are so low, you must be very concerned about your baby. That is good that you have changed your lawyer, please keep a record of everything that happens and all the things you are unhappy about even thing you suspect but have no proof of. As you said he has to prove his innocence so if you keep telling the lawyer about your suspicions it will all be recorded for him to disprove.

You are very lucky to live with your parents and have their support, they must see the problems the baby has so that needs to be recorded too. In my country if a child is at risk when visiting a parent then you can apply to the court to have supervised access so the child is not left alone with the parent suspected of not treating the child properly. I would go as far as applying for the father not to see the child at all if she suffers so much because of these visits. This litte one is going to have problems long term if something isn't done soon. Would your parents be prepared to stand up against him and insist he either sees the baby in their home or they come with him when he takes her away?

If he is not providing money for her does he lose any rights to see her? Can you use this a s a reason for not letting him see her?

Opus Dei is something I know little about because it is so closed but I don't get the feeling they are always good people and they look after each other.

I do hope we can help you to be strong and fight for your daughter's happiness even we can't help in other more practical ways. I live so far away from your country so have no knowledge of how the legal system works where you live. I will do some research to see if I can find any legal information that might help you. You best chance is having a good lawyer who specialises in family welfare and social services or whoever looks after children's welfare in the community to listen to what you have to say.
You need to make a fuss and shout loudly so someone listens.

I do wish I could help you more. Please ask if there is anything you think I could do that may help you.

Best regards
JAn

Hello India

Have you found this web site with information,

http://www.psicologiacientifica.com/bv/i...siquiatras.html

The introduction is in Spanish so I don't know whether there is any useful information for you.

Regards
Jan

Hello India,
So happy to see you are back on the forum...
I know happy is the wrong word for we aren't here because of fun reasons are we!!!!
I am thinking of you and your situation a lot....
Thinking about things to do to help you but you are so very far away.
I wonder...Do you get real support from your parents and if so, in what way do you get the support?
it has to be terrible to give your baby to this man..even when it is for 1 minute....

Children, even very small, do react on people and know things aren't right when their not...so no wonder you notice your baby is different for being away from you....
What can you do..... I think an am sure you doing ti already..take good care of her, love her a lot and hug her a lot.... Give real attention and make sure she feels safe being with you..And that is hard to do in these kind of circumstances..I know...

I hope that you don't settle for a laywer who is not working for you..Keep looking and keep getting information about an other one... I think other women wil know and can give you more advise...I mean women in your own surroundings....
I am wondering if there is anything we can do to help you find an (maybe underground) organasation of women who can help you........

Of course we will support you whenever possible..... thank heavens for internet!!!!
Is there anything you know about what we can do practically to help you?
keep up the good spirit we are with you!!!!
Segaya

Hello India

I found this piece of information and I know it won't be much help but it may be a starting point for you to look for more help. It does mention psychological violence. I really wished I could offer you more help.

Best regards
Jan

"Domestic violence in Argentina is a serious problem. In Buenos Aires Province, the special Women's Police Stations and Family's police stations received a daily average of 53 complaints of violence.

Argentine law prohibits domestic violence, including spousal abuse, and provides for removal of the abusive spouse from the home, but it does not provide penalties unless the violence involves crimes against "sexual integrity." In this case penalties can be as much as 20 years' imprisonment.

Any person suffering physical or psychological domestic violence may file a formal complaint with a judge or police station. The law gives family court judges the right to prevent the perpetrator of a violent act from entering the victim's home or workplace. Charges also may be brought in criminal court, which may apply corresponding penalties. However, lack of vigilance on the part of the police and the judicial system often led to a lack of protection for victims.

In March 2006 the Interior Ministry launched a federal program that included creating a mobile unit for providing assistance to victims of sexual and domestic violence. Although the program was planned to have a national reach, its initial implementation started in late October 2006 in the City of Buenos Aires. There were two mobile units working 24 hours a day. Each unit was composed of a psychologist and a social worker, and two police officials also took part when they received complaints of domestic violence.

In March 2006 the provincial Cordoba legislature passed its first domestic violence law, leading to a significant increase in the number of complaints filed. The legislation is quite inclusive. The term "family" includes fiancees and former or current common-law husbands or wives. The law also defines domestic violence as physical, psychological, and economic violence.

In early December 2006 the Buenos Aires Supreme Court ordered the criminal, family and minors' courts, as well as provincial courts in civil and family matters, to have duty officers to receive complaints of domestic violence and assist victims after normal court hours. Victims could call a cell phone number to get assistance.

Public and private institutions offered prevention programs and provided support and treatment for abused women, but there was little transitional housing. The Buenos Aires municipal government operated a small shelter for battered women and a 24 hour hotline offering support and guidance to victims of violence; however, few other shelters existed.

NGOs stressed that women often did not have a full understanding of their rights or of what actions could be considered punishable offenses. In addition there was a great disparity between urban centers and rural areas with respect to women's awareness of, and access to, equal rights. Indigenous women particularly were vulnerable, due to higher rates of illiteracy and insufficient bilingual educational resources".

Hi India and Jan,

Jan, i am so glad you found something at least.....
India....is this something you can start of with?....Maybe going to places like this gets you in contact with other women...and as you know...people know people, know people..one thing leads to another doesn't it....
I realy feel other women who know of situations like this can help you the best. Every country, no matter how strickt the rules are for women, do have organisations like this..The only problem is how to find them....
It is a way to become more strong, get more information, get contacts in real life who can support you psycologically and emotionaly. It is so very importend to have these things to not only survive but also come out well of the situation...
I want you to remember always.....; Men surpress women because they know in their heart of hearts, women are strong... much stronger than men are..... So....take courage and keep close to who you are and what it is you want....
I hope for the best!
Segaya

Hi,
Maybe this can help too?

http://www.distel.ca/womlist/countries/argentina.html

And what about this....

http://www.fsdinternational.org/devsubject/womensempowerment/argentina

India, I don't know a thing about your country..And I am a bit ashamed for it...
I hope these adresses can give you at least an idea of how to move on and decide whatis the next step to make....
If you want we can look up more adresses from the internet,and see if any of them can help you go foreward
be strong
Segaya

Hello India and Segaya

They are very good links Segaya and I hope you can use them India.

Always remember that we are there for you even though you can't see us and we will do our best to help you.

How is your little girl? Those things Segaya said about making her secure are so important. Segaya is very wise and she will understand what your daughter needs so I hope you take comfort from her words.

My best regards
Jan

Hi India,

I agree that keeping an accurate log of what is going on will be critical. Do you have any kind of camera so you can document your child before and after she goes on visits with him? Also a small recording device to put where it can pick up a recording of what he is saying. In some places it is against the law to record someone without their permission but I think that is only for phone conversations. In that case I would still record him on the phone and then take careful notes of the conversation and get rid of the phone recorder tape.

Does you child speak of what went on when she is on visits with him? If that is the case, do not push the conversation, but if she does, record what she says or if not record her actions, add everything to a daily log.

Here we have what is called "baby cams" (video recorder), they are very affordable and if you could position one in the area where he comes into the house or if he drops your child off outside you could put up the camera there. That way you could fully capture your daughter before and after the visit by film? If you can't afford a video camera then take a photo before and after for documentation.

Document everything one way or another, it will also help your lawyer to understand your case. You could also document your parents reaction to seeing first hand how your daughter returns so distressed. I know this is a serious situation, and you might consider taking your daughter to a Dr. to make sure he is not harming her in a way that could be documented by your Dr. Maybe even setting up the appointment with a good Psychiatrist for the day your daughter returns from a visit. The Dr. could tell physical signs and the Psychiatrist could figure out her emotional state while it is still fresh.

How often does he have visitation? A few days or a few hours? I hope you will start a journal even on your computer and print it out and keep a daily log for everyday. That will show how your daughter is on a daily basis. Any vidoes and photos would add to your words from your journal.

All my best,

Di

Also if you can find out from your daughter and record it to see how she is eating while with him and what kind of environment she is being in while with him. You could do this in casual conversations with her and make sure you have the recording of her words to add to your journal.