Hi, the others have given some good advise. I am not asking where you live for your own pricacy but the main issues is to know your rights about the finances. I know here in the US if one party owes taxes the partner also is responsible. Don't expect to get any money from him, just try your best to protect what is yours. I am glad your children are coming to help, I would move quickly and silently. There is NO reason to negotiate with a Psychopath. Unfortunately the therapy probably helped him see more of your buttons to push.

Cheating, lying are all the trademarks, plus multiple partners. Sounds like he has plenty of victims in the wings waiting, sorry for them, but this is about your safety.

Did he work while you were together?

Di

THANKS! to all of you. I really appreciate your comments.

I have toyed with the idea of just leaving and not telling him ... but ... you know how it is ... that just seems so cold and wrong, from my good-girl point of view. So, I thank you all for supporting the idea that I just pack up and go - "Hop off the bus, Gus. Don't need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free" is the Paul Simon song that's been running through my head.

I'll just leave. No speech that can be used against me. And forget any note - he'll just tear it up. Whatever I write/say, he won't hear/absorb. So, I'll just leave. Thanks!!!

To answer your queries: my attorney was the first person to suggest the word "psychopath" (not the counselor). I was shocked, but he said, "Just look it up. You'll see that J fits all the symptoms." And he does fit every one of Dr. Hare's characteristics, except for the one about getting in trouble as a teenager.

Through the grace of God, my guardian angel, and my best girlfriend, I filed "Married, Separate" IRS returns the two years we have been married, so I am NOT liable for any of his tax issues, old or new.

The contact issue is going to be dicey. Here's the situation. We live in a town of less than 1,000 in a rural area, 20 miles away from two other, somewhat larger towns. We have been living in his grandmother's 100-yr old house in town #1, and I have never liked it, so that's why I am moving out. I have rented a house in town #2 and I work in town #3. Even if I don't tell him exactly which house I have rented, he can figure it out if he wants to and he knows where I work. I plan not to answer the phone when he calls (or when some unknown number calls me) and to relay all his queries to my attorney.

My money is safe - I have some that I inherited from my mother last year. The other dicey thing is going to be divvying up the money and house that his mother left to both of us last year (yes, that's right, both his mother and my mother died last year, and I had a mild bout of breast cancer - now this. I am weary, let me tell you.)

And, to complicate things, he talked me into to buying a small local business last October. He has always worked as an independent contractor while we have been married, and now he's running this small business [and withdrawing money from the business when he feels like it - another red flag]. My attorney and accountant have suggested that fellows like this rarely make a big success of small businesses - their lack of detail to little things like payroll taxes usually come around to bite them in the hiney.

I figure that if I can get out with my mother's money intact, I'm happy. But I am going to let my attorney go after my half of J's mother's money/house, and my contribution to the business. On paper, it's pretty clear. But it will get crazy as it plays out because the fellow that J will likely ask to be his attorney is his long-time friend, and another psychopath. Fun times ahead!

I really appreciate your input. Thank for reminding me [again] that "good-girl" mode DOES NOT APPLY here.

Now I'm going to check out the resources section.

hugs
M

Hello, again - I've been reading several old posts on this site ... and I'm beginning to think that I should rent a house in town #3, where it would be much harder for him to track me down. I'd rather live in #2 where many of my friends live, and my son, but maybe it would be just too easy for him to find me in case he goes weird/ballistic/stalker mode.

I just can't predict how he's going to react to me leaving him and filing for divorce. He has never displayed any violence to me, although I have seen an explosive temper 3 times in our marriage of nearly 3 years ... is there such a thing as being a "mild" psychopath? or do they all behave irrationally when they don't get what they want???

thanks

Hi,

Thanks again for your concern and good words.

It's like this. It was MY DREAM five years ago to leave San Francisco and move to #2 - a very cool, hip, international small town - wide open skies, big stars, beautiful "light", it's gorgeous.

Then I met/married J and moved out of my perfect town to his grandmother's house in his family town (#1). We moved in with his mother - I took care of her for about 3 years before she died last year (yeah, I did that, too - and I also cleaned out mountains of stuff from the old house - nobody had thrown anything away ever - the storeroom was filled with 17 mattresses, now mice nests!).

So, my first impulse was to move back to MY town where MY friends and MY son live ... it hacks me off to think that I should not live in MY town because HE's a jerk. But, it's probably safer, especially in the short run. That will give me a chance to see how he reacts to my leaving him - whether he turns into the scary stalker y'all describe, or whether he grabs onto another woman ASAP and leaves me alone ... and then of course, there's all the ugliness to come of the divorce proceedings. I know he's not going to be happy when he finds out how broke he will be.

Anyway, I spent my lunch hour researching a place to move here in #3 (where I work).

And if he does turn out to be scary I'll quit my job (whoa! that's scary too!) and move to the really big city where my daughter lives. I'd rather start over again somewhere else than deal with the madness y'all describe. Yuck.

Thanks again - heave a lovely evening.
M

AAHHH, I hear you. Don't sneak out and hide from him ... walk tall, tell others what's going on (I have already started to do that), and let him know, "I'm not playing your games anymore." That's good. Thanks - that's a different attitude than what I had envisioned.

As of this minute, my plan is to move out and leave this note on the back of my attorney's business card:

"I warned you. I'm gone."

No verbal confrontation. No long-winded letter - I wrote it, you better believe, but I've torn it up. I'm liking this minimalist approach.

I'm really OK with all this - it's been a journey the last couple of months but I'm OK now. This will make you smile: I am an Excel spreadsheet queen, so I took the February cell phone cell, downloaded into an Excel table, and played with it to make a colorful graphic that hangs in front of my face at my desk. I color-coded the calls he made to me and to FIVE other women, and data-sorted them by number of minutes ... to look at it, you just see a bunch of colored lines with numbers in them (no other information) - but to me, it's a striking visual reminder of his behavior. And with that in front of my eyes at all times, especially when he's talking to me, I feel pretty darn strong.

I'll come back next week and tell you how the move goes.

Thanks and hugs
M

Hi On My Own,

I would be careful leaving any kind of communication even the attorney's card. I would focus your attention on immediately getting the attorney to put a freeze on any assets so he doesn't have time to juggle things around.

I would say move wherever YOU want, just install those small cameras so you can know if he is snooping around. Besides he has many victims in the wing to welcome him with open arms when he tells them what a creep you are -NOT, lol.

Stand tall, but do remember most people won't really understand, but we are all here rooting for you. I would guess they have only seen the charming side of him.

It is a blessing your Attorney knows what he is dealing with and will understand the urgency of getting the money secure sooner than later.

Di

Hi, Dianne:

I was thinking that leaving the card would indicate, "I have nothing to say to you - talk to my attorney." If I don't leave him the card, and won't return his phone calls/emails, how do I let him know who my attorney is? is that information on the divorce papers they will serve him?

I have been Xeroxing like mad this last month, documenting the current state of financial affairs in the marriage. The lawyer has copies. And I'll file for divorce on Monday - all of which should constrain the financial shenanigans.

I heard a wonderful story on NPR Sunday afternoon (On The Media, I think it was) - talking about movies about con men (The Sting, etc.). I laughed out loud! He conned me! And now I'm conning him! He is living in a bubble of his own ego, thinking that life is going smoothly.

And get this. Prayers are answered. I was musing Saturday afternoon how much easier it would be if he was out of town overnight sometime this coming weekend - would make the move that much easier. Not two hours later, he sat at the dinner table and told me he has to go to Lubbock on Friday afternoon to do some cattle business (and see his honey, I suspect) - won't be back until late Saturday afternoon. Well, well, well.

Back to work. Have a grand day.

Hugs
M

Hi, great timing. I am quite sure the name of your Attorney would appear on the papers when served. My guess is if he gets served and is surprised he won't be able to dodge being in receipt of the paperwork?

Di

Hi, Di: Well, it will probably be a cousin of his who serves him - it's a very small county. I don't have any idea how one "dodges" the sheriff ... we'll deal with that if it comes up. I'm not at all worried.

Got the movers set for Saturday morning - keep your fingers crossed for me.

Thanks for all the support!
M

Hi, what great news, it is always a great day to see a victim get out of the clutches of evil.

His cousin takes an oath of office so you are right, there is nothing to concern yourself with.

One suggestion, not trying to sound paranoid but these people can become wiggle worms. Can you arrrange to take a date stamped video or photos before and when your things are removed showing what is his that is left? This way he can't play games saying you took some of his things.

I wish we had a large bell to ring and some balloons to fly in the air to send you on your way, please let us know how things go.

I have some more questions for you that would help others who may only read but will do that after you are settled and ready. I am sitting here beaming it is such wonderful news.

Di