Well I am happy that I have found this site. I am in hell right now and need to talk to people that know what I am going through!

I am a 36 year old Canadian woman and I have a wonderful 7 month old little boy. His dad is a classic pyschopath and I have been lied to for 2 years now. I have come to find out that he has 7 other children in the US, owes about 100K in child support, does not work, was cheating on me the whole time. He has made my life a living hell the past few months. He is claiming to the courts that I am an unfit mother, an alchoholic, a prostitute, a drug addict and the list goes on....he has gone as far as to contact my work to try and get me fire, contact my mothers work to try and get her fired, continued to harasss me and my family, called social services, called the police etc....I am in a real life Dr. Phil show and I fear that it will only get worse! We are in a huge custody battle and I have hired a PI down in the states and have come to find out all sorts of interesting facts about this man. He uses someone else ss#, he has a history of domestic violence, he has numerous traffic violations, he has been married 4 times, has 8 kids, one of the mothers is in hiding from him, one of the other mothers can't even leave her house because she has panick attacks so bad she ends up in the hospital. I feel sick to my stomach he is so good at what he does that he is even starting to fool the court system (which apprently he has many times in the US). I am scared for my baby, my family and myself. The thought of this man touching my boy makes me sick to my stomach!

HELP I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS!

Living a Dr. Phil episode!

I need someone to talk to about what I am going through. My husband is a psychopath. He brutally assaulted our 4 month old twins and is incarcerated. I have since found out he was cheating on me throughout our entire marriage. He was having threesomes, etc.... I found out dirty and disgusting details. Everything he ever told me was a lie and I believed him. Yes I am seeking a divorce from him. He is still awaiting trial and is being held on a $350,000.00 bail. My world is a living hell right now and my poor babies suffered the most. One baby suffered intercranial bleeding and retinal hemmoraging and may have permanent brain damage. Not to mention the twins were three months premature. I really need someone to talk to. How do I get through all this? Where do I go from here? Can you live through something like this and ever return to a normal life? This is a high profile case and has hit local media and I have cried so much, I can't even begin to tell you. To find out I was married to a monster who hurt our babies and then learn your whole life was a lie. I am still in shock and grief.

Hello akawwanda

Welcome to the forum, I hope we can support you as you try to get back on your feet. There are many members who have gone through the same trauma you are going through now and will understand everything you say as well as the things you don’t. It may seem impossible at the moment and it will be difficult but things will get better and now you have somewhere to get support it will help to keep you going
You are in a good position as you are getting so much information to use against your ex. Are you married to this man and has he been diagnosed a psychopath?

The advice we always give to our members is to gather as much information as you can in a diary and with the information you get from the PI you can build a strong case to help with your custody battle. Also to let everyone around you know what is going on so you get their support too.
I don’t know whether it is possible in the US to ask the court to demand a person has psychological testing before being granted access to their children as can happen in the UK.

Can you tell us where you are with the custody battle and a little more about your situation and maybe we can offer some practical help.

Regards
Jan

Hello Jennifer

I’m pleased you have found the forum. These things are still happening now and I don’t think anyone knows if it’s possible to fully get over something like what has happened to you and your children but it does help to share your problems with others who have also been through situations. Things will change and it depends on how strong you can be but now you have started looking for support, it will help you move forward.
Often our members are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and need counselling to help them deal with it, are you able to get any help for your emotional problems? You will need a very good counsellor so it’s a good idea to get recommendations rather than taking a chance. It all takes time and you will need a lot of help to get you through this, your life has been turned upside down but still has to carry on although it must seem impossible at the moment.

It is terrible to hear what your little ones have suffered, I can imagine the anger and loathing you must feel towards this man. Have you got any family or friends you can turn to for help? You will need as many people as possible to be around to provide comfort and help you with the children.

Who posted bail and are you concerned that he will try to approach you? Are you able to tell us a bit more about your situation?

Sometimes it just helps to be able to ‘talk’ to someone else even if there is no immediate solution to this problem and there is always someone here to listen.

Regards
Jan

Jan,
Thank you for replying to me. Nobody has posted bail for him. He is incarcerated awaiting trial. I am in therapy and have a wonderful LCSW as well as a great psychiatrist. I am now on three antidepressants as well as Xanax for anxiety. In addition to the babies I have two older children ages 15 and 19. He was their step-father and they have now told me how much he tortured them verbally. We are living with my parents and all three of us have a strong support of family and close friends. He has confessed to the crimes he commited. There are numerous injuries to both babies. However, they are in DCF custody. I have visitation with the babies and have complete say over their medical care. DCF is working with me towards reunification, but are taking the stance that I should have known what was going on in my home. This stance is being taken even though he has confessed to abusing the babies while I was asleep, not home or ill. I had bronchitis and the first antibiotic was not working and I was getting worse, not better. I was on that for five days as well as a cough medication with codine in it. My husband was waking me up every four hours to give me the cough medicine. I thought he was being kind and caring, but he was keeping me sedated and isolated from my children. This is when the majority of the abuse took place. I also have an excellent attorney. He is being charged with two counts of assault first degree and two counts of risk of injury to a child. He is facing 60 years in prison. This was cold and calculated. He knew exactly what he was doing and chose opportunities where he had no witnesses. When he confessed, he had no affect and was speaking in a monotone voice. No remourse! I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am! I hope he rots in jail and then rots in hell! Oh, speaking of, the correction facility is a level 4/level 5 which is high and maximum security. The other prisoners were threatening to attack him so he is being held in solitary confinement to protect him! What is that? He should feel pain inflicted on him like he inflicted on those poor defenseless babies!
Jennifer

Hi Jennifer, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. It is crazy the claims they are making against you, child abusers are sneaky rats who do things in secret, after all if they did their evil deeds in the open we would all know who was what.

There is a "code" in prison, even inmates have their rules. At least here in the US if a person is convicted for a crime against a child/ren they are targets from the rest of the prison inmates who do not like/hate child molestors. It took me awhile to absorb that one but it does make sense because no matter what the offense outside of child molesting most convicts have children themselves. This is the good part because in solitary he will only be allowed out about an hour a day or every other day under tight security.

I am glad to hear you have the full support of your family. I hope your babies will be returned to you. Having a great attorney should help with this process.

I hope I am not repeating myself but how did you meet this person? Did you notice any red flags early on? It is common that red flags show up but are pushed aside due to the charm.

Di

Jennifer,

Where are you? I'm in Canada. I can't even imagine the hell you are living right now. if you need an ear to chat just let me know. My situation is no where near yours but I am living in hell as well. Are we allowed to exchange personal emails on this thing? My heart aches for you...please let me know how I can help, it would make me feel better knowing I am helping someone else............let me know....make sure you love those babies.......he will pay for what he has done and he deserves everything that he gets!

Shelley

Hi akawwanda, glad you found us. California is pretty tough on dead beat dads. Is he employed here in the states or in another part of the country (for security you don't have to respond if you feel uncomfortable.) I would suspect if he owes that much in child support he also owes quite a deal to the IRS also. Normaly it takes the IRS about a year to catch up with someone who is on a payroll for that year. Otherwise the rule is they don't want to hear about it unless it is in the millions.

Is he now residing in the US? Canada seems to be more progressive as far as testing for Psychopathy.

How did you meet this guy? It is always an interesting question because it can sometimes steer other potential victims away from certain activities where these guys/gals tend to hunt for victims.

If finances are an issue, I am sure you could save some $ on PI fees by helping him by doing some of the leg work on your own. Has he contacted you or is he still living in the same area? I don't know about the divorce laws in Canada but would suspect the fact that he doesn't work and all the bad past behavior that would be taken into account. I would think by what you said it sounds like he is stalking you, keep notes and record any personal encounter? If he is a US citizen he must be on some sort of visa to be in Canada? I know here I can get a list of any sex offenders in my area and for a fee get more detailed information. I was quite shocked in this small town the amount of them around.

The more you can tell us, the more we can "brain storm" to sort out your situation, sometimes just writing it down can help to see things more clearly.

Every victim should take a ton of notes to journal the activity for recall later and record whatever possible for evidence.

Di

Well in Canada they really support co-parenting its actually kind of sick how much. So I need ALOT for court to prove he is an unfit father. I have tonnes but my problem is these mothers that wrote letters and affidavits are not willing to testify in court. One mother is in hiding from him and one of the others has severe panick attacks and this was 20 years ago for her!

So the situation is I will get full custody, I was not married to this man thank god because I guess thats what he was thinking...I was his meal ticket out if the US. I will get full custody my lawyer advises but the issue now is supervised visits. I CAN'T GIVE HIM THAT LITTLE BOY without someone there with him...I fear he will take him over the border and I will never see that child again! He has talked about that many times.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm physically sick when I have to bring this baby to him. I'm losing my hair, its a horrible hell that I am in...no where near poor Jennifer but I can relate to how sick she must be.

Shelley

I met him over the internet so woman be aware! This was his premeditated plan the whole time. He wanted out of the US and he thought marrying someone in Canada would help him, we were never married thank god but he was talking about it infact my mother was so fooled by him we gave him my grandmother's ring and of course we will never get that back. I have done online searches...I am positive there is more out there but he uses so many different alias its hard to track it all down.

In fact he did live in california at one time..do you know how i can do a free criminal record search in california? Do you know how I can search for his drivers record in california? What about marriage?

I am a single mom and my finances are pretty tight right now everything is going to PI fees and lawyer fees! I know there is stuff in california but it seems like you have to do so much searching in the US to find criminal activity.

My only hope is that he won't be able to travel back and forth over the border come june when he needs an enhanced driver's license or passport because I know that he can't get a passport but i am not too sure about the driver's license thing. He has a bad driving record because his license is always suspended due to unpaid child support.

I met my husband at work. We both work in the medical field. I don't feel comfortable at this point giving any more details than that. I knew him for four years before we started dating. However, it was a whirlwind courtship. I really thought I knew him. This has hit the medical community around here hard. People believe it, but are in shock. Getting back to our relationship. We started dating in January of '08, he asked me to marry him on Valentine's day, I got pregnant at the end of March, early May we got married, the twins were born three months early in October, came home from the NICU in November and December, at the very beginning of February one twin was rushed to the hospital unresponsive and not breathing. (More details about that later.) Later that same day I left him and -get this- he was SHOCKED that I was leaving. He couldn't understand. Less than a week later he was arrested and imprisoned and here we are. I know what you are all going to say, we moved too fast. But, you think you know someone....

By the way, I live in the US.

Hello Shelley

I’m pleased you feel so much empathy with Jennifer and grateful for any support you can offer other forum members despite you own problem. It’s always so much more difficult when children are involved especially if the courts and professionals don’t see the real issues. Injustice is intolerable and so frustrating.

I understand that you would like to talk in more detail but our forum terms and conditions do not allow personal e-mail addresses to be posted for the members security and I know you will see the reason for this. The forum protects the identity of the members so they feel comfortable being able to ‘talk’ freely with others and not be exposed to identification but please feel free to talk to each other on the forum as it’s good that members have a friendship with others in a similar situation.

Regards
Jan

Hello Jennifer

We all judge others by our own standards and don’t seek out the negatives just as I presume you did, you are not unusual. As you had known him for such a long time it is not the whirlwind that normally whips up strong reactions and it’s such a true saying that you don’t ‘know’ anyone until you live with them.

Have you got any indication when you will have the little ones back home with you? It must be so difficult to be apart from them, how on earth are you dealing with that?
It’s good to hear that you have such a great family structure to support you through this. To be blamed for not being more protective towards them must cause appalling stress and anger but the truth is always the truth and it will become apparent in time but it has to be driven home to all who need to hear.

Now he is in the criminal justice system the children will be protected from him and you will have the security of knowing he is locked up.

Although it’s a good thing to let out all the anger you feel, it’s better not to let it be your reason to be, it’s balancing act and if he makes you feel like that he still has some ‘control’. He needs to have that control taken away and that is something only you can do, you are then in control.

It’s good you are getting good therapy and maybe some point in the future you will be able to recommend this person to others. From what you write I get the feeling you are someone who will get move on as there is no going back. I always feel so dispirited when members write that they are going to give their waste of space partner yet another chance but I can see that will never be the case with you.

I hope we can help you as you move forward. Please feel free to tell as little or as much as you like as long as it doesn’t affect your privacy.

Regards
Jan

Talked to the investigative detectives today. They want to draw blood and get hair samples. My pregnancy with the twins was unusual and I was very ill. As this is still under investigation, I am sparse with details now, more will come later, I promise. Anyway, they suspect arsenic poisoning. I have a very good friend who is a doctor-in fact he is my old boss-and he is going to administer the tests on me. Today he was actually calling the Chief Medical Examiner for our state to find out how this is done and all the details. Unlike tv, these tests are rarely done. In fact, most are performed on the deceased. I can't even begin to tell you how surreal my life is right now. In fact, the doctor friend of mine was so relieved to hear from me in person. He said "Jennifer, I have been reading your life in the newspaper, how are you? Thank you for calling me." When I finished catching up with him, I told him the real reason I was calling. His comment was "My God, this is just like reading a murder mystery novel! How are you coping?" My answer is simple-when I am having a really bad day I think about how controlling my spouse is. I know he is in solitary confinement and the only thing he can control right now is when he can go to the bathroom-he has no control over myself and the four children any more and he doesn't even have control of himself. This must drive him nuts! This really helps me. That and my focus is my children. I did forget to mention the courts granted an order of no contact/protective order for all five of us. And I registered all five of us as victims with the Department of Corrections. Our state allows this, I am not sure about other states.... If anyone posts bail for him, if he dies, gets released, etc. they have to notify us. I just have to keep them up to date with phone numbers and addresses. Even sixty years from now, by law they have to let us know. Day by day that's all I can do. I may not be able to keep my identity secret for long. If he attempted to poison me, that will be all over the news nationally. That would be attempted murder times three. Scary stuff! So goes my life for now. Thanks for all the support. I have a very busy week ahead, but I will check in as often as I can. Oh, started my parenting classes today as mandated by DCF. One of the "steps" to getting my babies back. Day by Day....

Hello Jennifer

Your life certainly does sound like crime thriller and I'm full of admiration that you are coping so well under these circumstances.
It seems crazy making you take parenting classes! I think some professionals need to be better qualified in psychology. I wonder how many have actually encountered a psychopath in their personal life. I'm sure they would be fooled just like the rest of us. I can see that you will do whatever it takes to get the little ones back home and each day brings you a bit closer. Something to look forward to at a time when everything else is so negative.

It's good to know you have so many people around you who are willing to help, your doctor friend in particular. How fortunate you can get these tests done but what made them suspect poisoning so much later? I know residues remain in hair for a long time and the event can be dated which can be used in evidence. I presume that anyone could get these tests done privately if they suspected poisoning but imagine the cost is prohibitive but worth considering for some. Is it possible you can tell us more about this? It could be very useful for forum members.

I hope the results of your tests help to convict this man even though it is horrific to think what he could have done to you and the unborn babies.

That is a great piece of information that you are all registered with the Department of Corrections. I will do some research and find out if this is the same in all US states. In the UK victims can be granted an injunction preventing contact but I don't know whether our system is so proactive to inform victims of any changes.

I hope things start to get better for you and thank you for sharing information with us. It's great to hear someone being so positive about moving on and just what our members need to give them confidence that it is possible.

Regards
Jan

Hi Jennifer, while they are supposed to notify you by law that doesn't mean the system is perfect.

I have always thought of the Internet as a predators highway to victims. Your case is not unusual in how you met. People have met everywhere I can think of and none of this is your fault. There was a guy here who was "working" 40+ victims at a time. He met them in the chat room for women 6 feet and over. He was only 5' 9" and when he met them in person he had some crazy explanation why he had lost a few inches and they all believed him.

They might also check you for, let me think of the name, anti-freeze, that is also something people use to poison someone with. The effects go out of the system quickly and only recently in the last few years a Dr. in Europe developed a test because before it was gone undetected.

Arsenic is interesting because they can actually tell by the strands on the hair how long the poison has been used. A very evil way, both ways to kill someone, there have been many cases here and it sure would take someone with no empathy to continue to administer such a horrible thing.

Di

Hi akawwanda, I will dig through my bookmarks, there are some very good sites that you can use and then they charge an extra fee for criminal records, divorces etc. Do you know his SS# or any alias names he has used? Not asking to post here but the more information you have the easier to track him down. For example I get sexual offender notices (no particular reason, just my curious self;) and then you can click on the guys/gals name to get their criminal report for a fee. For free they show a list of names and a map of the area and where they are living.

I forget are you from Canada? I am sure they would have such a service there, just let me know or if you don't want to post it, you can email me and let me know.

Di

Shelley,
Thanks so much for your support. I hope we can help each other through these difficult times in our lives. I appreciate you listening and caring so much. It is very theraputic for me to be able to type out what is going on in my life here in a safe place. And I haven't even begun to scratch the surface. My heart aches every second of every day I am away from my babies. I feel as though they will lose their bond with me. This whole situation sucks! Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
Much love and support,
Jennifer

I have several questions. Do psychopaths know they are lying or do they really believe they are telling the truth? And if they know they are lying, how do they remember the web of lies that they have told? Do psychopaths generally have above-average intelligence? Why are they so quick to anger? Is there something wrong with their chemical makeup? Are there any medications for psychopathy?

Hello Jennifer

As for psychopaths lying.....mostly if their lips are moving they are telling lies. They lie compulsively usually for their own gain or if trying to impress will tell others what they want to hear just as Shelley has said. They usually weave a lie round a strand of truth so it's very hard to distinguish where the truth ends and the lie begins.
I believe psychopaths DO know the truth but if it doesn't suit them they 'change' it. The reason I think they don't believe their own lies is because they can give a different version of the lie to various people so their stories are never consistent.

They often forget what they have others so if they truly believed their own lies the story would always be the same.

Psychopaths can be above average intelligence but I don't know the statistics, the clever ones usually don't get caught and incarcerated when there would be a chance of getting a diagnosis and becoming a statistic. The cleverer ones usually carry out more sophisticated crimes such as fraud. The dumber ones don't think of the consequences of their actions as they are looking for instant gratification so are more likely to come the attention of the judicial system.

I think they anger quickly because of the same reason, they want instant results and have a low boredom threshold and look for excitement. It's a bit of a bully tactic to get angry with someone to get their own way. It must be frustrating when their manipulation doesn't get them what they want and as they have no empathy they don't care who they hurt with their anger.

There have been a few studies recently about MRI scans of the brain showing some features common to psychopaths. I think you will find the Kent Kiehl study very interesting and I think it is in our resource section.
And lastly...there is no medication although some drugs may alleviate some of the 'symptoms' as they would with anyone else. As psychopathy is a personality disorder not an illness or psychosis it's seems to be very much a matter of choice how you 'use' your personality.

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering so much and I hope we will continue to support you through this and look forward to the day the little ones are back home with you. It's natural to be worried about them losing the bond with you but that doesn't have to happen, you are seeing them regularly so there is no reason it should.

Regards
Jan

Hello Everyone!
Just wanted to write a quick note to let everyone know I am OK. I am worried about Shelley. She hasn't posted since 03/16/09. I hope everything is all right.
I have been so busy, lots to tell but not enough time right now. Sometime this week I will sit down and write a long narrative. Thank you again for all your support and guidance. You are helping me through the worst period of my life. Things are starting to slowly get better. Day by day....
As my attorney says, keep the faith!
Yours,
Jennifer

Hello Jennifer

It's good to hear from you and thanks for letting us know you are OK. We do think about all our members even when they don't post, often many years later names crop up and we wonder how people are doing.

I hope we will continue to give you support to get through these bad times.

We will wait to hear more from you and wish you and the children well. I'm looking forward to the day you tell us they are back home with you.

Regards
Jan

Dear Shelley

I'm so sorry that you had to be involved with this horrible man. Your concerns about his future relationship with your child are fully understandable and its sickening that a man like this should have rights because he is the biological father.
Shelley, in my experience, you've really got to fight "tooth and nail" against these guys. Don't just presume that the court authorities will see that he's so very bad and rule accordingly. Even when presented with the facts they can be blinded by his misrepresentation of the situation. Along with all the paperwork you hopefully have collected, you need to really slam the man verbally to them. Make it crystal clear that you strongly object to any ruling other than supervised visitation.

Its tough, and these guys can be intimidating. I lost custody of my son to his Psychopath father because I didn't fight hard enough. When I went for custody in a second court battle, the judge (different one), was shocked that I wasn't awarded custody in the first place. He said that he hopes that I've learnt to stand up for myself now. Talk about a slap in the face.

Dear Jennifer

Big big hugs for you. I was also married to a psychopath, but nothing nearly as shocking as the one you've had to live with. Your strength, courage and positivity is amazing, you really are an incredible woman.
Please don't worry that you will lose the bond with your babies, you wont, believe me. They are blessed to have a mother like you, and thank God that monster psychopath wont see the light of day again. I'm thinking of you in these difficult times and more even bigger hugs for you.