Hello, All !!!!

I DID IT! (but too late to photo-document what was left in the house - good idea, though).

I am sitting here on Monday morning, smiling to read your encouraging words. There were several moments WED-FRI last week when I feared he suspected what I was planning, but, you know, he's pretty oblivious to things that aren't about him, so he didn't catch on at all. He took off for an 8-hour business trip on Saturday, as planned (phew!). My friends and daughter arrived about 9:00 while a light snow was falling ... they brought three pick-ups and a 16-ft trailer to the house. We packed up all my stuff in about 4 hours. As we pulled away from the house, the sun came out! I did leave him a note: "I have moved out. I am sorry to have to do it this way, but I warned you. I told you that I would leave if you didn't stop seeing other women. I can't live with you because I can't trust you. May God bless you." Takin' the high road. I did not leave him contact info for my attorney.

I was pretty shaky, both emotionally and physically, Saturday afternoon/evening, so I turned my phone off and holed up with my daughter at a friend's guesthouse. I was afraid J would come home Saturday evening and be violently angry that I had left. Sunday afternoon, before she left to drive home, my daughter listened to the messages on my phone (I just wasn't ready to hear his voice). Was he violently angry? Stalking the streets trying to find me? Nope. Here's his messages:

Saturday, 6 pm. "I just got home, and it looks like you're not here ...."
Saturday, a few minutes later: "I found your note."

Sunday noon: "I'm at the office, if you want to talk."
Sunday 5:30: "I've finished up here at the office. I haven't heard from you , so, I figure that rather than me tracking you down, why don't you just call me when you want to talk."

Today (Monday) 11:00 am (three places, text message, voice message on cell and voice message on office phone: "I haven't heard from you and I'm getting concerned. Just let me know that you're safe," in a sad, defeated tone of voice. The "poor, little me" reaction rather than the violent one. I texted him back, "I'm safe."

Went to church Sunday morning, out to brunch (then a nap) and then out to dinner -- and all my friends were extremely supportive - offering me furniture, a mattress, a washer/dryer, you name it. Actually, many of them expressed joy that it's "only a divorce" as they thought that my breast cancer from last fall had come back - that's how woebegone, depressed and not-myself I have been looking since early January. I feel perkier today than I have in a very looooong time.

Enough of my little sad storyy - so many others on this blog are so much uglier and tougher to deal with. I just wanted to let all you wonderful people know that I got moved out OK and that I'm feeling much better - we still have all the difficulties of divorce ahead, but, as they say, "We'll jump off that bridge when we get to it" !!!

May God bless you all for your compassion and good words,
M

Hello, all:

I have been thinking and remembering and pondering - how did I get myself into a marriage with a psychopath at 55 years old, smart cookie that I am? What red flags did I ignore? I thought I would write a little bit here to help others be aware ....

My first husband was dull, self-absorbed, and sexless - a good-enough father, a good provider and eminently trustworthy, but as my kids describe him, Eeyore. We divorced in 1999. Between 1999-2004, I dated several different fellows, in three different cities!

Then along came this handsome, sparkling, charming Texan, who appeared to be fascinated with me. He courted me for about two months before I went out with him the first time. He talked marriage almost immediately, but I would not even consider it until/unless all four of our children were supportive, which took two years. Oh, yes, and he was divorced just a week when he first started chasing me (which is way I put him off for two months). That should have been a reaaallly big red flag - but of course, I was willing to be understanding and forgiving, and blame it all on the second wife. Poor guy.

We immediately became a couple, dating exclusively (or so I thought). He was attentive, caring, kind. I really truly believed that he loved me, that he respected me, and that we could build a mature marriage together. I believed all that because he gave me the right answers to all my questions - and I asked him a lot of questions in the two years we dated before marrying. I know now that he was able to make me feel comfortable with his answers because he could "read" what I wanted him to say.

One small example. I invited him to join me at church, and he said, "Church is very important to me." Phooey. Although he went with me every week, he never demonstrated any religious feelings over the four years we attended church together - never was he moved by the words or the music. On the contrary, his most frequent comment was that he was thinking about sex during the service.

Uncanny, actually, how he could, chameleon-like, shape the outward vision of himself to fit what I wanted to see in our first say, 3 years together. He was not only charming and funny and a great dancer, but he sure seemed to be interested in me and my goals and my ideas about work and family. Now I know, too, that I was wearing a thick pair of rose-colored glasses - I wanted to believe what he told me, and I did. It never occurred to me to question his authenticity or his motives in courting me.

All the time, he had women on the side.
All the time, he did not pay income taxes.
All the time, he set NO money aside for retirement (none). This is a man in his late 50s.

When I asked him directly about his former love life and his finances, he either lied to me directly or weaseled his way out of an answer ("Don't fuss your pretty little head about that, sugar").

So, what's my advice (to myself as well as to other women out there)?

TIME. Give it time. In my case, two years wasn't enough - it was three years before his facade frazzled around the edges. If you have any queasiness at all about the relationship, give it more time. He can't keep up his pretenses forever.

And beware of that CHARM. Sniff it out and see if it feels genuine. Sure, it feels good to be noticed, to be coddled, to be doted on, to have your feet massaged ... but is it real? Or is it manipulative?

LISTEN, really listen to his stories. how does he describe other people? his ex-wife? It seems that my soon-to-be-ex knows a lot of jerks - he describes so many of his colleagues/family that way.

And, for sure, sniff out his FINANCES. Ask to see his checkbook, his tax returns, his credit rating. If you marry the guy, you are instantly legally tied to all his financial dealings, good and bad. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

All my best wishes go out to all who read this, wherever you are in your journey with a psychopath. Take care of yourselves!

hugs
M

UPDATE:

Three full days after he came home to a half-empty house, he gets around to writing this e-mail to me. I thought you'd enjoy seeing it, as it is a "classic." He promises everything that I asked him for ... in October 2007! I think they call that: TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE.

I have included my answer.


On Tue, Mar 17, 2009 at 5:14 PM, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com> wrote:


[first paragraph of seven lines is all about his work]

i hope you are safe and well...needless to say it is quiet here....i appeal to you to come back and make a go of it with me....this has scared me deeply and i am so sorry for the mess i've made....i will never stray again...please consider trying again....i have the resolve to be yours only.....you are good to me always and i didnt realize the extent of your understanding....i also realize you will need some assurences and i am happy to allow your looking over my shoulder....the lose of face in front of dan and nora is nothing compared to the loss of our future....one i can live with, the other i cant (not suicide or any of that).....of course the decision is yours and i will abide by it...just cant face that now....please reconsider our relationship togather....

reply when you can....life goes on here.....wags are talking, so there is nothing new.....hope you are well....love and miss you,joe


MY REPLY THIS MORNING:

Thank you for your kind note. I am safe and well.

You expressed your regret and remorse eloquently, and I appreciate the effort it took for you to write those words. However, I do not have any confidence in your promises. Because I cannot trust you, I cannot be married to you.

May God bless you,
Melissa

UPDATE
This past weekend, he told a friend that he had "no idea" why I moved out. All my warnings, all our discussions, all those months in counseling - and he has "no idea." All my efforts were water off the proverbial duck's back. He wasn't listening, didn't hear, didn't care.

Hope you are enjoying a beautiful spring day.
M

Every day is better and better - it is truly amazing what a week or two of eight-hour sleeps can do for one's outlook. Now I know that when I'm feeling sad/dreary, it's often because I'm simply tired. So, rather useless worrying, I wash my face and go to bed, to find that everything has changed the next morning.

The legal flurry of papers has begun. My attorney filed for divorce without mentioning fault. Immediately, J's atty counter-filed, naming me at fault (I haven't seen these documents yet so I don't know what argument he made for me causing the break-up of the marriage). My attorney, bless his little legal heart, counter-counter-filed, naming my soon-to-be ex-husband at fault. All of which just shows me that my Psychopath husband and his Psychopath attorney/best/only friend, are NOT planning on taking the high road. I expected that, and I will let my attorney take the brunt of the blows. I know they'll try all sorts of tricks,and it will be unpleasant and disturbing to watch them throw mud at me.

One of the most interesting things that has happened in my mind these past two weeks is realizing, at a very deep level, that EVERYTHING J told me over the past five years is a lie, or at least, suspect. EVERYTHING. It's as if someone took an eraser to the blackboard and rubbed out ALL the memories. The marriage was a sham, all of it. And nothing remains. Which actually makes it sort of easier to leave him. I spend very little time thinking about the "good times," knowing that they are false memories, however pleasant I thought they were at the time. The man I was in love with does not exist.

For instance, he told me how his second wife got a split lip. You guessed it, it was all her fault. He was innocent. Now I don't believe that story any more. I am certain he was less than the total innocent he made himself out to be. Curiously, the rumor circulating in this small town is that the reason I left him is because he hit me ... small towns have long memories.

Enough. Thanks for being there.
M

Hi M

Glad to hear you're feeling better by the day! I feel that I must confirm Jan's warning about the legal system. Unfortunately psychopaths seem to have a very clever way when it comes to the law and if his lawyer is also a psychopath, then you really have to be on your guard. By the way, psychopaths and narcissists are naturally drawn to the legal profession, and they are particularly good at it (not difficult to figure why). I find it interesting that you mention that his lawyer is also his friend, because so was my ex's.

I'm also going to sound like I'm lecturing you, so please excuse me. But you really need to be on your lawyer's case. I find it apalling for example, that he didn't cite cause in the first place for your divorce, or that you are still waiting to see a copy of the documents that the ex filed. He should have e-mailed it to you before he even drew up the counter! Shocking, shocking, shocking (shaking my head). This is the same kind of thing that put me in such a bad state with my divorce.

Also, you do realise that the psychopath tells his lawyer what to do. A psychopath NEVER leaves anything to chance. You must insist that your lawyer gives you all the options available to you, and then YOU tell him what to do. Fight fire with fire! Sure, he can advise you, but never leave a lawyer to his own devices. I'm sorry to say it, but, especially not a lawyer like yours.

I notice that you are calling the ex to be psychopath, J. I presume it stands for John or Jack or Jimmy etc. It should stand for Jerk. I never call my ex Psychopath by his first name (except to his face, lol, and then I want to vomit). I call him the Thug. I even have him listed in my phone as the Thug. Believe me, this has helped me a lot to detach from him. Just a tip

Here's another tip for anyone who wants to regain "themselves" after divorcing a psychopath. Change your surname back to your maiden name. I did, and boy am I glad. Not only do I feel like my old self again, but it sends a strong message to the Thug.

Hugs to you M and best wishes

Christine

Hi,Christine:

I appreciate your tough words about the legal system - it's just like the medical system - we complacently think that they are here to take care of us, but we have to fight every step of the way to make certain that they ARE taking care of us! I will have my eyes and ears open and my brain cells chugging away to make sure that it comes out right for me. Thanks for the advice.

I like J=Jerk. A lot.

But about that maiden name thing. I just changed my name (2 years ago) and I'm really not ready to do that again right now. And, I don't know what I would change it to ... I never liked my maiden name (it's difficult to understand and spell). Can't go back to the name I had for the longest time, my first husband's name. This one is simple, easy to spell, and very, very common. For the moment, I'm keeping it.

I'm really feeling like my old self again - applying for a new job, at 1.5x my current salary. New sheets, new mattress, aaah. New underwear, too.

Here's the thing. When I was in his web of lies, I lost myself. I remember feeling suffocated. I thought it was due to all the work we were doing on that creepy old house and taking care of his 90-plus yr old mother, which wasn't easy. But the work wasn't what was suffocating me - it was his lies. The whole charade he played. He duped all of us. Me, his mother, his sons, my children, my friends. He led us all to believe that he was this great upstanding guy, dedicated to me and to building our extended family. I believed him, but at some level, my soul rebelled - and felt suffocated.

What I'm trying to say is, PAY ATTENTION to those little wiggles of doubt that shiver through your body when you first meet one of these guys. Your soul can see through the charm and the lies, and it WILL give you a warning - but you gotta listen. I chose not to listen. But I think, at a very deep level, I knew. I think my innards never trusted him.

Enjoy the lovely spring weather!
M

Hello,

Just had to add two comments ~ first to On My Own Again, yes yes yes! I so clearly remember when the eraser appeared and a whole segment of my life literally vanished in my mind. I was still married to the Psychopath and remember actually telling him to his face that I felt as though he had just erased our prior 18 years of marriage. I understood much later that it was the truth of my own soul beginning to clean up the mess of lies. I have been divorced for 8 years and can now reflect on the marriage with the correct perspective, owning what was truly mine and what was an illusion.

Christine, I completely concur with your thought of returning to your maiden name. It was not a simple decision for me since at the time I wasn't sure about having a different last name from my children, but I feel it was an extremely positive move for me. I also like your take on detaching by even refusing to give him the power of his own name ~ lol! I firmly believe that any mental exercise that decreases a Psychopath is worth engaging in.

Regards to you both,
Deb

Good morning ...

After many, many good days, I've hit a rough day, and am reaching out to you wise ladies for insights.

It's just that my skin isn't thick enough. I have always been a Pollyanna, thinking that everyone should just get along and be nice to each other. I really truly believe in "Do unto others ..." so I am always blind-sided when someone does something hurtful to me. Any hints on how to toughen up??

Here's what happened last night. Jerk's first cousin, a mean-spirited cheapskate, is telling folks around town that I am divorcing Jerk "for the money." That I married him with my eyes on the family house/money, waited for his mother to die, and am now going in for the kill. I know that says more about the way her mind works than about the way I conduct my life. I know. And I'm better this morning, but boy, last night, when I heard that story, I wanted to strike out, strike back, start calling family members and telling them how wrong that notion is ... I did nothing of the kind. I went home and cried myself to sleep. And woke up thinking about it, even though I know it doesn't matter.

Any hints on how to toughen up, and not grow bitter?

electronic hugs,
M

Hi M!

I see this as just one more good day after the many. It may have felt negative to you but you handled it perfectly. You recognized that what this woman said was about her and not you. She was projecting what SHE is capable of doing onto you and you knew it. Projecting sounds so benign~no one tells you that psychopaths and people like them hit you with a sucker punch to the gut when they project. It is VERY forceful and painful.

I was once so dead inside that I couldn't feel the pain that was being inflicted upon me. I don't believe that the goal here is toughen up and not feel the pain. I think the goal is to be fully emotionally alive enough to recognize when someone is hurting you. I was emotionally dead in so many ways and I know that to be able to feel pain is a wondrous thing. To fully feel is to be fully alive.

When you interact with anyone remotely close to your ex, keep in mind that they will probably inflict pain upon you (knowingly or unknowingly). My dad is married to my ex's sister (Yep! That is what I said~not a typo!) and though she doesn't speak to my ex, she is still cut from the same cloth and slams me so hard sometimes that it literally takes my breath away. It is her nature and it hurts like crazy. And that is all good. Dead people can't feel, but I can (now)!

It is what you do with that slam that matters. You can expend your energy retaliating and join in the mud-slinging fest with them. I think that is what they really want ~ to bring you down to their level where they can hurt you even more and tire you out. Or you can keep your energy and take care of yourself ~ you did this by crying it through.

So you felt the pain. Good. You recognized that her comment was about her, not you. Good. You kept your energy. Good. That is indeed another good day!

Electronic hug back atcha!
Deb