Thanks, Deb:

Thanks for confirming my instincts, and for confirming that words CAN hurt like a "sucker punch to the gut."

I will have to see JERK Thursday morning at a court hearing - should be a simple matter, but the two of us will be in the same room together for the first time since I gave him that little wife-ly kiss goodbye the morning I moved out a month or so ago. I'm planning on a Buddha smile, deep breathing, and a little trick a friend taught me (a friend who says she has a PhD in Al-Anon!). You know how, in yoga, you open your hands, palms up, to RECEIVE energy? This hand motion is just the opposite - you bring all your fingertips of each hand together to touch your thumbs to CLOSE yourself to the negative enrgies flying around the room.

And I'm practicing the few things I might say, if he tries to speak to me.
"No."
"I don't think so."
"Is that so?"

and, the classic, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Think good thoughts for me, Thursday morning, 9:00 am.

Thanks for listening.

M

Good luck at court, sounds like you have a good handle on the energy situation. Many times a victim with PTSD shows up at court and gets triggered by the Psychopath so the victim looks like the one with the problem.

One answer I use often and no one has ever caught on:

When they tell me something that I don't want to engage in I say, gee that is interesting, I guess if I were you I would feel the same way. Naturally I am not them but it does make a polite ending to the conversation without engaging.

Di

I wouldn't wait to put money into your mother's name, the sooner the better to clear up the paper trail.

M,

Sending you many good thoughts ~~

Hope everything goes well for you in court not too many hours from now.

Deb

Thanks for asking, and thanks for being there!

Hearing's been delayed until May 5th. My attorney was stuck in a federal trial that went over into today, so we asked for the delay this time. I understand that delay is a favorite tactic of JERK's lawyer, but this time, it was our side.

Your comment about, "Gee, that's interesting" reminds me of what a dear Southern Belle friend used to say. The MOST ATTRACTIVE words in the English language are, "That's interesting ... tell me more." I have used that line a million times at parties, etc., just to get other people to talk (and find out what they are thinking).

I like the idea to twist it a bit and use it with JERK. It's a verbal method of deflecing the negative energy.

I'll keep you posted.

PS - I spent the day last weekend with two of my best, long-time girlfriends [we went through grad school and divorce all together in the 1990s]. And they jumped all over me, too, about returning to my maiden name. Soooo, I'm thinking I'll do it. It has taken me a while to get my mind around it, but it's the simplest solution. Nobody wants me to keep JERK's last name.

more soon,
M

UPDATE

Here's what I have found out in the last two months that I didn't know in the five years I dated/married this fellow.

He was arrested in his early 20s for dealing drugs.

His father threw him out of the country (yes, I said "country" not "county" when he discovered that his son had been dealing drugs in the family's home town (when JERK was in his early 30s). JERK, wife and two sons emigrated to her home country and returned to JERK's hometown after his father died. After his father died, not before.

His Mama sold a family ranch to bail him out to the tune of six figures when he overextended himself financially (gambling on livestock futures in the early 1980s). And, she gave him $200,000 to build a house in the 1990s - money he's never paid back. And never paid the IRS taxes on that gift. Now his IRS debt is in the six figures (boy, he sure loves those six figures!)

He hit his 2nd wife on two occasions, and his first wife multiple times.

Another woman was in the process of closing up her business to move here and marry him when he met me and dropped her "like a hot potato with AIDS." He had been separated from wife #2 for about a year, but not yet actually divorced AND she was his wife's (former) best friend.

What's interesting to me about all these little facts is that he never mentioned them to me when recounting tales of his past. Never. Makes me understand why they say in court, "the truth, the WHOLE truth, and nothing but the truth." Even when he included a few actual facts in his stories, he never told me the whole truth. Never.

I'm only telling y'all this so that you will be WARY of those smooth talkin' charmers. They can spin great yarns ... but you gotta do some fact checking, which is what I failed to do. I listened to him and his mother and other family members - but didn't follow up on any outside sources to confirm/deny the stories I was hearing.

Keep your chin up. Be brave.

"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway." --John Wayne

hugs to all
M

LEGAL UPDATE

No court date on an initial hearing, as we agreed outside of court on one minor question.

My attorney and I finished my proposed financial settlement offer yesterday. I, of course, think that it is extraodinarily fair - but I did includes a couple of clinkers as bargaining chips - clinkers that I know he won't agree to - I am figuring he'll toss the clinkers out and then we'll be left with exactly what I want in the settlement.

We shall see.
M

ONE MORE THING: I just want to repeat the oft-given advice of NO CONTACT.

It has been very effective for me to cut JERK totally out of my life. No contact at all. Nothing. It has made me feel stronger and helped me heal, AND I think it has crippled him a little bit. He tells friends that he is devastated that I left. So "devastated," by the way, that he has already started dating a new victim. Gotta have someone around.

Let's all say it together: NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sign me up for all the NO CONTACT merchandise!

My daughter got married this past November and I saw my ex and all the ex in-laws for the first time in 8 years. My ex and I had to stand INCHES from each other (yes,my skin was crawling in revulsion) and sign a book as parents of the bride and I did not say ONE SINGLE WORD TO HIM. I handed him the pen after I signed and he said 'thank you' and I still made no reply.

My ex sister-in-law came up to me as I was placing the flowers on the wedding cake and asked "Can I say hello?". And I said "No thank you." The end. These people will never be the recipients of ANY of my energy again. Was I nervous? You bet! Did it feel SO freaking good not to engage? You bet! Has there been a flurry of activity from within the 'enemy camp' since then? LOL~you bet! An uproar of drama has been brewing since Christmas which I have heard about via the grapevine.

Not only does NO CONTACT help in our healing process, it makes psychopaths and narcissists absolutely manic when they are ignored. Fun fun fun.

I await the merchandise brochure with great anticipation...

I'm seeing the very dramatic NO CONTACT logo in happy colors, uplifting, encouraging, bright (not somber black) ... but I'm the critic, not the artist. Go for it, Dianne! Hey, the AA has bumper stickers ("one Day at a Time"), I think we should have key rings!

And Deb, thanks for your letter about the wedding. I loved the part about all the drama that boiled over with in the ex-family's system just because you wouldn't engage with them! Doesn't THAT tell you where the issues lie?

The weddin' I'm dreadin' will be in September when my daughter's best friend of 20 years marries JERK's son. I plan to be elegant and cool and have a great time. What's that old phrase? "Living well is the best revenge." I plan to be a shining star of joy for all - with not a single word/glance for JERK. The one difference between my situation and yours is that he doesn't have an enemy camp to enfold him and storm up the drama. He's going to be all alone.

love and hugs to all - have a great Memorial Day weekend!
Melissa

You know it is so great to read and see all of you bond and supporting each other.

Di