Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#8815 - 11/10/09 03:47 PM Getting rid of a Psychopath
hellandback Offline
member

Registered: 05/07/09
Posts: 60
hi all, I saw this posted on another site. I cannot link to it because it is a site written by psychopaths. However the content seems so good that I felt compelled to include:



Breaking up with a Psychopath is admittedly hard for both the target and the Psychopath. many people say the best way is to go cold turkey and cut off all contact. that is the quickest way. if quickest always means best in your mind, than i guess it would also be the best way. depending on your Psychopath, though, it might feel more like breaking off a thumb to free yourself from handcuffs than ripping off a bandaid.

the truth is that you and your Psychopath have formed a symbiotic relationship. you may think that you owe him nothing, but the relationship matters to the Psychopath in ways that you cannot guess or understand. you may think that the Psychopath must respect your boundaries, but the Psychopath will not be sympathetic to your assertions of your needs. the Psychopath does not have or respect boundaries. the Psychopath has his needs too, and will fight to make sure that they are met. you do not want to get into an all out fight with a Psychopath when the Psychopath feels like his survival is threatened. you will lose.

with a Psychopath , the best way is to make the break up seem like it was his choice. like with ticks or other parasites, you want to poison the well so the Psychopath willingly leaves. become a helpless, emotionless, reactionless, burden. start being contrary, without being openly defiant. if the Psychopath likes to go out, develop a preference for staying in. stop bathing. focus on work. you're tired, you're sick, you're depressed, you forgot your keys, you forgot to feed the Psychopath fish, be incompetent but make everything seem like an accident. if the Psychopath gets mad, say sorry, don't fight back. say "i don't know what's come over me." have long phone conversations with your mother or other people the Psychopath hates. in general, let yourself go completely and be as intolerable to live with as possible without being confrontational. after about 3 months of that, the Psychopath will be out of your life. you should be in the clear after 3-6 months of the Psychopath being gone. by that time the Psychopath will not need you to satisfy any of his basic needs and will see you instead for what you really are -- probably a weak-willed whining sissy.

think this is unncessarily complicated and time intensive? i suggest you watch sleeping with the enemy and let me know if you think there are better alternatives.



Dude

Top
#8816 - 11/10/09 08:07 PM Re: Getting rid of a Psychopath [Re: hellandback]
gadzooks Offline
member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 57
Fabulous advice!
It helps if the psychopath runs into a new "target" in the meantime as well. I suppose they will be motivated to keep an eye out if you stop bathing. :-)

Top
#8818 - 11/11/09 03:11 AM Re: Getting rid of a Psychopath [Re: hellandback]
Jan
Unregistered


Hi Dude

It’s good to hear from you again and I’m pleased that you haven’t gone back to the ex. BUT I wonder why you kept the contact going through your new relationship? How did she know about your ex unless you told her and talked about her. That would indicate that she was still constantly on your mind. Maybe ‘no contact’ should be rephrased to ‘no thoughts’ of the person. Why would you go to ‘great pains’ to tell your new partner about the ex?

It does sound as though your new relationship was heading the same way as your ex so have you asked yourself why you are attracted to these women. If E is stalking and making threats to kill it sounds like she has a personality disorder too.

You have certainly got a very good list of red flags!

I have to say the advice from another forum is bizarre! Why would anyone debase themselves to that level for the sake of a psychopath????? You can tell it’s written by a personality disordered person, I bet they got off on writing it! Just what they would want to happen to their prey before moving on to the next victim.

That is playing the full victim role and playing into their hands, I really don’t get it.
I would never expect any of our members to do that to themselves, they have dignity and should have pride in themselves that they have acknowledged the person they are a victim of is a psychopath and want to become themselves again.

I know you probably meant well when posting the information and that it would be the victim putting on an act as a means to an end but I think it’s degrading for someone who has already been abused to put themselves in a position of more abuse ….and to abuse themselves.
Maybe a very strong person could make a complete game out of it but if they were that strong they wouldn’t have to pretend anyway, they would dump the psychopath without any explanation, game playing or regret.

The alternative is to stop being a victim which means using all those kind, gentle qualities that make them such but in a positive way. Get support and help from people who really love and care about them. Victims need encouragement and support to stop using these wonderful qualities against themselves. Being assertive and facing up to the person will start to give back the victim’s self esteem. If the psychopath is criminally dangerous then the police need to be involved. By acting alone demeaning themselves isolates the victim even more.

I need to ask you if you would you do those things to get rid of your ex?

I am very interested to hear what others think of this debate, discussion is always healthy and I could be very wrong.

Regards
Jan

Top
#8819 - 11/11/09 04:15 AM Re: Getting rid of a Psychopath [Re: ]
Segaya
Unregistered


I am surprised to find a posting like this one on this forum to be honest.Í agree with Jan, it seems to be written by someone who wants things to go his/her way.. Make the psychopaths life as easy as possible, don't be a personnality yourself and victimise yourself even more!

Maybe all members can consider this forum to be for victims, that would stop a lot of confusion and doubting for the people who are victims this moment, and come to this forum to get some inside information ...
The knowhow on this forum from all those people who got out and tell here about how they have done it and succeeded is info that is good and can be used by others to get themselves strong and able to do the same.

I like to say something though about this all, for when not thinking about it deep enough I can see people will believe it!

Not considered is that when people find out what is wrong with the person they have a relationship with , the sitiation has go on for ever. Sometimes over 20 years. But also when it is shorter, or even a couple of months, those people can be completely exhausted by the psychopath. The psychopath did his job; he manipulated ,he lied, he was agressieve and charming, he isolated and did all those things to take every bit of strenght from the one he choose to be his victim. On top of all the emotions involved he didn't stop there, he didn't rest before he took selfesteem, convidence, clear thinking, creativity and all that is needed to do what the above tells to do.
There will not be enough energy to last for so long. When it takes around 6 months to get ride of a psychopath this way, and another 6 to really get him off we are talking about a year...A year extra taken from your life!
A year where he will go on doing what he is doing and being treated like this will become more and more agressive and hard on the victim.
A year that could be used to get things in order after breaking up, a year that can be used to get your own live going again, a year in which you could restore you contacts with friends, family, a year of having fun again and discovering who you are and what you want in life!! A year of being happy...................

And I am with Jan again... The way as discribed; it will lower yourself as a person, you have to go against who you are..I sincerely don't think that is anyones purpose in life......

Top
#8821 - 11/11/09 09:47 AM Re: Getting rid of a Psychopath [Re: ]
gadzooks Offline
member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 57
As I understand it, it's not about "lowering" yourself. It's about getting rid of them for good in a safe way.

I fell into that strategy not because of design, but because I truly was exhausted, and wrung out, with little to offer anymore for him to feed on. Plus I got horribly ill. In other words, a burden. It worked. Psychopaths are energized by people being assertive back. They just step up the games... and if someone is with a person potentially dangerous, there is a real risk in assertiveness. Just food for thought... could help some...

Top
#8822 - 11/11/09 10:11 AM Re: Getting rid of a Psychopath [Re: gadzooks]
Jan
Unregistered


Hello Gadzooks

It's sad that you were so ill and at such a low point that this happened to you. I'm pleased it worked but as you say you didn't plan this it just happened to you. You are lucky that it got rid of your ex and didn't take you out completely.

What if you had planned this sort of strategy and it didn't work? Just think of the long term damage to your already battered self esteem? Where would you go from there?

Would you recommend doing this if there was a choice? I hope we can be here for people so they don't have to make decisions like that. We want to give people confidence they don't have to be victims and they can be strong enough to make changes and get out of the situation they are in. I do understand what you mean about being assertive with a psychopath but the majority are like most bullies if someone challenges them. Most bullies back down as they are cowardly. A psychopath is also cowardly when confronted with more than one person, that's why they isolate a victim ...like a big cat hunting a herd, it picks out the weakest animal and steers it away from the rest.
If there is fear of aggression then a victim needs to get others involved to back them up or the police involved. Often the the fear is greater than the threat.

Do you mind if I ask if you think now you have gone through this you feel you have the same end result as if you had fought back? Did it give you back your strength and self esteem or do you think that would have happened anyway?

Thank you for sharing your experience and hope you can offer some words of support and comfort if anyone else goes through the same thing.

Regards
Jan


Top
#8823 - 11/11/09 10:35 AM Re: Getting rid of a Psychopath [Re: ]
Segaya
Unregistered


Ohh but I once used a strategy like that, but only 1 day..and it worked!.What if I had to live like that for longer period of time? It would have worn me out even deeper then I already was...Don't forget life sometmes offers a way out, but that doesn't make it save to advertise as the thing to do..

Top
#8824 - 11/11/09 06:19 PM Re: Getting rid of a Psychopath [Re: ]
gadzooks Offline
member

Registered: 08/18/09
Posts: 57
Jan, I think the strategy is not suitable for some situations, and suitable for others. I think it is particularly suitable for those situations where the woman either fears for her safety but is not in a position to leave (or would have to hide and fear more if she left abruptly). Also for situations similar to mine where the bully gets worse if you try assertiveness. Assertiveness?! Forgettaboutit. It was like pouring oil on the fire.

There is no damage to self-esteem if you turn yourself into a burden by design... It can be a clever way to go...

The cops cannot protect you against a sneaky stalker. Better be sneaky in turn and live to tell about it...

If I were to do it again... shudder... I would turn myself into more of a basket case faster! Fighting back... nah. You know what they say... don't feed the trolls! Well it goes for the psychopaths too. My ex was an excellent fighter, far better than I. (The only way I got the house out of the divorce was, I kept saying I did not want it.)

I think what gave me back my self esteem was... unraveling the puzzle of what it was I had been dealing with, and getting my life back. Being able to be myself again. Being free! I never lost me, I just had to submerge it around him, more and more. It was actually the years of trying to maintain assertiveness around him that wore me down, in part... I gave up on it that last horrible year, and survived in sanity.

Here is an example of nonresistance that worked... we were driving, he got ticked off at the driver ahead, and ended up tailgating him and hitting the brakes hard at the last moment sending me smacking into the dashboard, five times in a row. I said nothing. He ended up looking enough of a jerk that he later apologized. And he almost never apologized... If I had said anything even slightly critical there would have been verbal abuse all over me.

After all, he specialized in misbehaving, then punishing me for having a reaction to it he did not like.

What I am saying, Jan, is that I think it ought to be considered by people as one of the possible strategies.

Btw, I went to the site mentioned above. And learned why it was that my ex had such a poor memory (except for trivia). They said... there is no real person inside, so there is nothing to hang the memory on. Bingo.

Top
#8825 - 11/11/09 07:44 PM Re: Getting rid of a Psychopath [Re: gadzooks]
Murray Offline
member

Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
From my own personal experience getting rid of psychopaths isn't easy if they are family oor an ex spouse/significant other you have children with (if the psychopath isn't a dead beat).It is difficult to comprehend cutting off your entire immediate family even if they are dangerous. I had to divorce my ex husband becuase the domestic violence was terrifying (worse than what I grew up with).

I have found the most peace from having my own residence. A civil order protects me from my parents/brother but I still have to talk to my ex husband because he isn't a dead beat dad. He is seriously disordered. Right now we are getting along. Get this I needed a new car. He bought me one this past Monday. I have no idea why he is helping me but he is. I just asked him (the consequences of this---for a whole day before the check cleared I was verbally abused by him & [he threatened to cancel the check]). I dealt with it. Half my battle is over now. It was worth it. My ex husband or Mr. Brighteyes as I like to call him is a sane lunatic.Every once in a while I get the black well eyes. For the most part they are bright. He will never understand how disordered he really is...even though he knows right from wrong. I feel he is incapable of help.

So called psychopathic friends, aquintances, co workers..etc I have found are easier to remove from your life. If they hurt you...you must remove them from your life. They aren't going to care about it anyway (they don't understand normal human emotion). They completely lack the ability to empathize with others.

It is a shame.

I feel bad for them, but at times I don't.

Top
#8828 - 11/11/09 09:31 PM Re: Getting rid of a Psychopath [Re: Murray]
Murray Offline
member

Registered: 10/11/09
Posts: 62
For me wanting to leave my psychopathic ex husband was the easy part.

The psychopath I married wasn't a dead beat (a little bit of one). He has always had a job. He supported me while I stayed home and raised our son and while I went to school. I knew If I stayed what my life would be like.

Leaving was the scarey part. I was fearful as per what my future held for me. It is much easier to stay than it is to leave. I left one psychopath and then I had to move in w/three so I would have a place to live until I got an apartment for my son and I. I am 29 and I'm still getting my life together. It is hard work but worth it. I have to protect my son and give him a good life. I will.


Edited by Murray (11/11/09 09:41 PM)

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >

Moderator:  Dianne E.