Hi Stephanie,

What you are experiencing is VERY normal after being in contact with a psychopath~ the dazed feeling, the unreal sense of reality, the intense negative feelings. Life feels almost surreal. All normal. If all is going well, you will probably be unable to function at all on many levels. Yes, you read that correctly. IF ALL IS GOING WELL, this is how you will feel. Being in a relationship with a psychopath fills us with emotional and mental toxins. You are experiencing this now because you are just beginning to de-tox.

You are starting to break a negative cycle, and all this is a result of that. You are working on NO CONTACT and feeling the after-effects of breaking a cycle of abuse. I was there. I know how it feels to be in a place where you can't even count on your own brain to help you out because of the mental fog you are in. There were days when I couldn't have even told someone what 2+2 added up to~my brain fog was that bad at times. And the sense of isolation is so intense you are pretty sure you are going to go insane. ALL GOOD!!

It is part of the process, Stephanie. Don't become disheartened~stay the course and it WILL get better. I promise. Keep working on distancing yourself from this person. NO CONTACT. If you slip up and associate with him, don't beat up on yourself~ just try to get back to no contact as soon as you can.

Remember he is toxic for you. No matter what he looks like at times, he has poisoned your system (how you are feeling now PROVES that) and every moment you spend with him is just exposing yourself to more of that same poison. Contact with him will only lengthen your de-tox time. And he knows that once you have those emotional poisons out of your system that you will never be interested to have him anywhere near your life again. That is why they go into overdrive to pull you back in when you start to walk away. Peeking in your windows and isolating you from friends, for example ~ all just ploys to keep himself important in your life.

Ending a relationship with a psychopath is like quitting a seriously addictive drug cold turkey. There will be withdrawal symptoms as with any other toxin. It is simply a part of the process and everyone goes through it in their own way. But it is SO worth going through! Please don't give up, hon!

I know about the feelings of isolation. That will pass in time, but in the meanwhile find things that bring you joy as much as you can. You have to be very responsible to make yourself happy in every way possible. I learned a great deal about myself in the isolated phase of recovery. For the first time in my life, I began to really look around and see what interested ME. What did I like? What made ME happy? We are each responsible for own happiness, and this is the golden opportunity to learn about what makes you smile. Turn the "isolated time" into "learning about you time".

You can break free by making EVERY effort to do as many positive things for yourself as you can. Those positives will help undo the negative wave you are working thru as you de-tox. Positive undoes negative. It is imperative that you do positive things for you ~ I cannot stress that enough.

All is well. While this is a very difficult part of the process, you just have to get thru it and on the other side. Don't give up. Joyous health is waiting for you down the road~just keep going!

Best regards,
Deb

Thank you so much for this. I broke down on the no contact because well because I'm stupid really. He has alot of control of the people around my life. I just had my daughter taken away on sunday. Everyone knows something is really wrong with me. But no one will listen. I just need to get away from him I guess to prove I'm serious. Things Get really bad when I do though and I just can't tell what way to go>

Hi Stephanie, my heart goes out to you. Please don't call yourself stupid, you are up against a slick, lying evil person. Good and kind people lack the ability to behave or know what they are up to next.

It is VERY often that people think there is something wrong with the victim, you have emotions and he can appear as cool as a cucumber further establishing himself as the hero.

I don't want to did up old wounds but it would help others, how did he get custody of your daughter?

There wouldn't be a forum here if the victims could be heard and understood. The sad reality is that people would rather accept the lie than to question things. Then when you add PTSD to the mix it is easy for a typical normal person like yourself to play into their game and "look" like you are the crazy one.

All I can suggest is to post here where we will do our best to understand you and validate your experience. Those who are your real friends may return someday, maybe never which speaks to their friendship.

You are by no means stupid, smart people reach out for help and recognize something is wrong. From my many years of observations, victims are indeed, kind, caring and loving people who see the best in others, unfortunately the world doesn't operate that way. Victims don't see or understand evil and have a hard time anticipating what an evil person would do. Always hoping for the best when there is no best if a person is lacking a conscience.

What can we do to help and support you in any way possible? We may not be "visible" friends, but true friends and would be honored to validate and help understand in any way possible. Just knowing someone is here to listen to your situation can make you feel less alone.

Di

He didn't get custody of my daughter. She lives with her dad now because He is remarried and she has lots of sisters now. He just told me he thoght we should take a little break in seeing her until I get my life figured out. Says I look like shit and he thinks I'm on drugs or something. And due to the fact that i lost my job and my mind pretty much, , no one really knows whats going on.

Whenever I try to talk to anyone they just say I can't blame anyone but myself for whats going on in my life and stat to point out How the Psychopath must feel. I know he's talked to them. I was sexually abused when I was little and he is using that to make it look like I'm the crazy paraniod one. So He doesn't have to look bad for being a sex addict or a cheater. He more just makes sure to save his image and I feel almost safer if I keep him somewhat close to where he won't be able to fully destroy me if people think we still associate. He's watching me very close to see that I don't say anything to anyone. He is in a bad place right now. His work rely's completely on his reputation. He has screwed alot of people over and is needing to rebuild trust.

He cheated on his wife of fifteen years and really rocked the community. He can claim mid life crisis but people are catching on or fed up with him at this point. The last year He was "Trying to prove he could be faithful to me" after he had cheated on me with his ex wife at the first of our relationship. Needless to say he could not prove that. He proved he had a severe habit of cheating he picked up during his fifteen year marriage. His ex is out to get him back and doing a pretty good job at it.

He knows I hold the key to his future. I have told him I will slaughter him and let everyone know He couldn't stop cheating. The whole reason he keeps me around I think is for his image that he can make a relationship work. He left his wife for me in the first place. It was non sexual until He did of coarse. But still It's the biggest mistake I've ever made.

Now I think his wife will probably thank me some day. She is coming out of her fog and she hates him. This is where I sit. Between his public image as the ok guy so he can work and me getting away from him and him needing to destroy me so I no one will believe whatever I say. I know I just need to go now or It is only going to get worse. At least he does not live with me. I'm slowly getting over that last rein of terror from him.

He is on his best behavior right now but i'm not buying it. I'm just trying to figure out the safest best way to do this as I get some sort of closure at the same time. I got a job interview tomarrow and I hope that goes well. I need to work through this a little bit so I can see my daughter again. I don't like her to see me like this. She is safe and in a good place. I'm sure I will get her back in a couple of weeks. This is helping so much to have your help and support. I have to come back here to remember how he really is sometimes. I've been coming to this site for a few months. Then I seem to slip back into denial. I haven't done that since I spoke out.

Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement. It helps so much to know someone can relate.

Hi there, yes it must be very difficult when the pressure builds and you start to look like the crazy one.

I am trying to follow along, how many and for how many wives has he had and whose children are his or his wives? It sounds like the one is out for blood, move with caution, if it doesn't directly involve you, i.e. your daughter you may want to think about your daughter first, sadly to say this may be a battle you can't help her with. You and your daughter should come first and leave the revenge to her if she is stong enough to handle it.

Do you have any access to medical care?

Trend with caution we are here for you. How did the job interview go? Is he provinding any form of assisance so you can have a place to live?

Sadly find the closure for yourself and your daughter, he is like a walking empty shell who will never admit to anything but how wrong others were. Do you live in a smaller town where most people know each other?
Di

He just has one ex wife. He was married for fifteen years. He has two daughters with her. He is a pretty good Dad all things considered. He left his wife two years ago to be with me. He was also my high school sweetheart. We do live in a pretty small town. I figured out he was a psychopath after the first year. He was cheating with his ex wife and lying to both of our faces about it.

I knew there was something seriously wrong with him then. He Claimed he didn't know He was one but he knew he was different. His brother had recently been diagnosed as one also. He comes from a really nice family but they do have a history of psychopaths. After I found out about him cheating I told him we could still be friends but That I needed to trust him before I was anything more. I really had no idea what a psycho was and sick as it may sound I was a little curious. He has told me alot of things about himself. More than anyone else I'm sure.

It is a very relgious community. I do know that He has tried very hard to fit in. I used to could not understand why He would say he was angry at god. I do now. I don't know why god made people like this. He does not seem to have that direct connection with god. Satin on the other hand haunts him in his sleep and I think is his constant companion in the daytime. Just being out of rehab He is acting different than I have ever seen him before. He is trying very hard to be "normal" I don't know how much is a mask and how much is sincere him trying to make a mends so he can get what he wants in his life. He does apologize. Usually it's been if he yells or says really mean things. I know this is a rule he set for himself not to do. As for the little hidden insults and the covert acts of aggression. The plots to twist/manipulate people into what he wants he is a master. I don't know if he fully comprehends the pain that he causes when he uses their emotions to do this.

his image or benefit somehow. Right now he is in a very bad spot. He is a commercial real estate agent/broker. He recently got fired from the company he was with and then got rehired back onto one of the companies he used to work for. Where he was fired a week later because some of the other parters in the firm were threatening to quit if he came back on. No one trusts him. They say if a man will cheat his wife you know he'll cheat you too. Alot of people think he just had a mid life crisis. I know about his habit of cheating and that he is a sex addict. I don't want to seek revenge.

I's just the only card I have. So I've told him he better think twice before tearing me down to make himself look better. Me being the one he left his wife for I think is his main motivation for wanting to get me to be with him. The image thing. He doesn't like to take no for an answer. He has been obsesses with me since high school anyways. It took me a while to figure out it was not love. He just doesn't care. More like he's not capable of caring. I try to get away after i realize he has been messing with me and my emotions to the point I get almost dependent on him. He's got everyone else fooled that he is just so in love with me and I can't get over him cheating on me a year ago. With everyone and their preaching forgiveness I end up looking like the bad guy.

none can understand why I'm acting the way I am. Including myself. Or why I can't just get away from him. My life gets so much worse when I try. But it will not get any better until I do. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing and how to get away with the least damage done. Part of me feels responsible to him. and then part of me is dependent on him now that I've lost my job. They postponed my job interview until Wednesday. So that will make a huge difference if I get the job. I do live in my own home. My grandparents own it and I go help them once or twice a week so at least I'm safe there. I don't know why it is so hard to get away from him. Or why I even love him. When half the time i hate him.

He also has tried many things to get help. Or maybe he does that for his family. But he went to a life coach. This guy was also a shaman healer. He really liked him. But the guy said that my Psychopath had a very string spirit but that he did not have a soal. I just don't understand where the come from?

Hi, I am trying my best to follow things, this x wife of 15 years is she still in the picture and is he living with her? Do you have visitation whenever you want and does he comply?

Getting away from a Psychopath without any support is just like trying to stop heroin today, you know it isn't going to happen but a part of us keepins thinking it might work.

I am confused over the sisters, I apologize if I have missed something. Is he back home living with the x? I am not so sure I am into all this forgivness business, I do think we can forgive ourselves but people tend to use it as some kind of want to wave over someone and things will be better.

I would guess these back and forth feelings would come because he is putting his best foot forward, probably in some passive agressive way but all for show.

Out of curiousity, what made you start to wonder and explore if he was a Psychopath? There does for sure seem to be a gene issue.

Do you think he keeps your daughter to keep looking good or to also avoid paying any child support.

His co workers kind of say it all. They put their work careers on the line to resist working with ever again. Small towns can be good and bad, news travels fast, not always correct so it could be pretty easy to go around spreaing lies since the lies will then take a life of it's own.

I am certainly not a lawyer but is there anyway your grandparents could put your arrangement/s in writing? It happened for a relative of mine and kept the greedy relatives from tossing her out the first chance they got. Even if your grandparents don't necessarily want you to have the house and the income, they could get in writing via legal help that you would have lifetime living rights so no one could do anything to toss you out into the streets and possibly back into the arms of this wolf. Then it is up to their will who gets the funds from the home. I would be more cncerned about getting the life time living rights, that would make me sleep better knowing I could never get kicked out and bring on more chaos. I am sure they want to protect you but only legal paperwork giving you life time living rights would be such a relief. That way when you start work again, you and your daughter would at least have the ground under you safe. I would also see if they would consider including taxes to be taken out of any future will? I know that sounds like a lot but at least you would know the choice would be yours where you live and for how long.

I used to be involved in interviews years ago. Most people doing the interview spend most of the time telling you and selling you about what a great company they have. If you listen carefully you can parrot back the points they are bringing up. I have heard that most people who consider another person a great person is one who listens while they blab along.

Any sort of counseling will only make him more clever. I am curious what his response was from this shaman saying he had no soul? He certainly figured him out because we need a soul to not be a Psychopath.

Maybe practicing loving yourself would be a better place to put your energy. He knows what buttons to push to get to you and back in his good graces.

Deb has made some excellent points to you, she really nows how to communicate and has the most experience of most in looking at things clearly.

When he left his first wife for you I would guess he said it was because you were special and understood her better than the first wife. Any idea how he is juggling his finances to keep wife #1 and not having a job going? This is only a matter of curiosity my part the person that needs protection.

When you have thoughts of still loving him etc., let the moment pass. Hating him for having these feelings will bring more hate into your life. Nothing is going to kill you because you had some human emotions. Like a teacher said years ago when we beat ourselves up it is only a matter of what size stick we pick up.

I have a strong feeling that since you are here processing what is going on you will be just fine in the end. Being in a small town when someone tries to fish out gossip or relay some, just say, "oh that is interesting", period end of conversation with a smile. What you don't know won't hurt you and thinking people know more than what they probably do keeps the circle going. We only have our own minds to know about. A sideway or weird look doesn't mean they are thinking something negative about you, for all you know they just found out about a tragedy, not that they are thinking negative things about you.

I suggest reading what Deb says over and over.

Don't be shy about asking your grandparents for the help you need for future security, we don't really ever know about the future, only the present.

Regarding rehab, you can paint stripes on a pig but when the rain comes they will wash away.

Di

Ok sorry about the confusion. My daughter is with her dad and her new sisters right now. He is not a psychopath. She is In a good place and is safe. He said he wanted a break in me seeing her because he doesn't know whats going on with me. It looks like I'm just not caring or functioning. Like I'm lazy or something. No one realizes the energy it takes to just get through a day. The more I try to get away from the Psychopath. The worse the pressure gets. Don't ask me how but it is. Crazy stalker. Thanks for the advice on where I live. Either one of my grandparents could die any day. They are both 90. I'm so lucky to have my home. The doors are all kick proof and I cut boards to put in all the windows. Noone could get in without making alot of noise. It feels so safe in here. I need to get out of here more though. I need to set some goals to accomplish each day. I need to get back to myself.

That thought stopping has not been something I have become able to do just yet. It's the worst thing ever to find out everything you had invested all of your time and energy thought and feelings into was total bull s..?. My mind is so blown by the Psychopath's lies I don't think I'll ever be the same. He plays stupid as he acts like we should just be getting along great. I tell him this is what no trust does. It's hell I don't like it. He got upset today and said he was gonna walk away and not come back. I told he please go. The only reason I was even talking to him is because he begged me to let him prove he could be a friend and needed to help me after what he'd done to me.

When I told him i wanted No contact. I went two days then I broke but i like the advice on how to beat a psychopath at their own game> If I play along and keep this confusion and sadness up he will go away I hope on his own. He needs energy to feed of. I refuse to believe a word he says. and that's the other way he gets his energy is by lying to me. If he does not go away soon I'm just gathering up my energy and getting some closure to really do the no contact thing this time. I do know it is the only way. I just need to get past those first few weeks. I don't think I could fall for his crap again if I tried. But then again how many times have I said that. He is on his best behavior. I've never seen a psychopath give so many "sincere" apology's before.

Oh the way I figured out he was a psychopath was I was just going insane trying to figure out his behavior I was so heart broken and needed to rationalize it some how. So I was just praying to god for answers and I had a very clear revelation. it was kind of instantly imprinted on my mind. I heard he uses sex and manipulation to control women and he was not stupid He was very smart. Criminal. He was playing very stupid at the time. But the thought I knew did not come from my own head. I didn't even know what manipulation really meant at the time. So I googled it. And mental disorders and every where I turned it seemed I kept running across psychopath. Or anti social personality disorder. I even had a book on it just kind of fall into my lap. It matched my revelation and so many other things about him. And that's how I figured it out. The fact that he could lie to my face like that was proof he had no conscience.

What is it about getting away from them is like quitting heroin. It took me the longest time to accept the fact that he could not love me. He was my first love twenty years ago. I had believed for twenty years he was the only man who ever truly loved me. It was hard to let that go. He may love is some sick selfish way but he surely does not care about me.

Oh and the story with his ex wife. He told me they were only staying together for the kids and were planning to get a divorce as soon as they went away to school anyways. He made her out to look crazy and mean. He said she made him stay in seprate ends of the house for long periods of time. I believe that is true now and I can not blame her. I had always regretted breaking up with him back then and he said he had loved me for twenty years and felt that was the cause of the problems in his marriage/life yada yada. He just has some strange obsession with me. I can't figure that part out. If they really have no bond to people. He has always kept tabs on me in some way. I still don't understand if they come from hell or what? The shaman explained it to him like he was just on drugs I think. He won't say much about it. He was excommunicated from the church we belong to for having the affair. He thought he needed to be re baptized to get his soal back. He has prayed to satin before in his life. He does try to stay away from that as much as possible now. After realizing satin would turn his back on him too. What a retard for not knowing that. He's a liar hello! Oh and about his ex and supporting her. His parents are doing that for him. It Is just sick how they cover up all his issues and enable him so bad. His mother thinks he can do no wrong. But she must know is is a Psychopath. She took him to alot of doctors when he was young because of his behavior problems. I'm not sure what ever came out of that. She must be in major denial.

I hope I was able to straighten out any questions I'd left unanswered. I know I will be fine. This is helping so much. I'm really afraid to meet more Psychopath's in the future. I realized that the last two guys That pursued me were possibly Psychopath's. I also realized my step father was a Psychopath and a sex addict going through this process with with my Psychopath boyfriend. I do believe everything happens for a reason and I was able to put alot of questions about my childhood to rest going through this. I just hoe I learned enough to not draw any more of them into my future.
thanks again!

Dianne! LOL at the pig with his stripes washing away in the first rain! That is a great image!

Stephanie: Hang in there, girl. Dianne and Deb are very wise women, experienced in dealing with these pigs. They are correct when they tell you to keep your eye on the long-term goal. Don't let these temporary setbacks turn you away from your goal of (1) no contact, and (2) a happier, healthier life for yourself. It does take time to "de-tox" from his poisons (another good image), and ... it WILL HAPPEN. Trust yourself. You can do this.

hugs
Melissa