My Story -Special Edition

Posted by: MalachiteMoon

My Story -Special Edition - 06/18/12 12:53 AM

I'm sorry for the length of this. I started writing, and apparently I had more to say than I realized.

I've read through so many of these posts that talk of complete devastation. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't tell my story because, in light of so much of what I've read, I am relatively unscathed. I'm not financially devastated, and haven't spent years in the clutches of this man. Still, I feel compelled to write because I'm trying to break away, and even though I've had a number of "light bulb" moments, I'm still not 100% convinced I am dealing with a Psychopath. Either that, or more probably, I need validation that I'm not over reacting to his nonsense, and I'm not completely crazy (yet).

The spell begins… aside from his apparent narcissism or psychopathy, written in a romance novel, our story is one of those you would love to tell—love to hear. We met when we were 16, but because of circumstances beyond our control, we only spent about ten hours together that summer. One particular afternoon we went to a park near his house. The weather was perfect, 75 degrees, a very light breeze with the smell of fresh mown grass wafting through the air. I sat next to him unable to look away as he lay on the ground under a tree. The shadows of the leaves danced as the sunlight dappled across his face. He was the most beautiful boy I had ever laid eyes on, and I wanted to get lost in that moment forever. I stayed in contact with him when my family moved out of state that summer, and we managed to see one another again for a few hours a couple of years later when I was back for a visit. I did get lost in that day at the park… For the next thirty plus years, I looked back on that afternoon with the greatest fondness and placed it on a pedestal as the most perfect day of my life.

Fast-forward 32 years. I was cruising around Facebook one day, and I looked for him as I had periodically done for years. This time, though, there he was! Not the same beautiful boy anymore, but then I was hardly the girl I used to be either. Not certain he would even remember me, I wanted to say hello, to find out what had happened in his life. He was married with children, but that was OK, it was just, “hello, remember me?” I certainly was not looking for an attachment. His instant reaction to my greeting hit me like a ton of bricks. “Oh my God, Baby. Call me! Call me! Call me!”

Separated from his wife, his life had not really gone so well, of course I was separated too, so that was hardly a cause for alarm. We talked. We talked a lot about that summer, about seeing one another at 18; he told me I was the first girl he had ever loved. I was shocked to say the least. As a teen, I remember he was mostly just quiet and smiled…a lot. I was always certain I liked him far more than he liked me, but here he was as an adult excitedly replaying all of our time together like an old movie. We were piecing together forgotten little tidbits and filling in the tiny gaps. The most amazing thing was he recalled the day in the park as “the most perfect day of his life.” He told me about what I was wearing, and how my hair looked in the sunlight that dappled through the trees. It sounds really romantic, doesn’t it?

While I am a bit of a daydreamer, I am relatively down to earth and quite a practical realist. Something happened as we were talking though, and I can only explain it as the shared experience of our past whisking me off my feet. Had it not been for that summer, perhaps I would have been more cautious? Maybe the immediate attachment, that in truth struck me as a little odd, would have fired off huge red flags right away? Maybe, if I hadn’t been so attached to that perfect day, I wouldn’t have let myself be so carried away?

So, it began, and in the beginning, it was wonderful. We lived in different states, and he didn’t have a lot of money, so with my flight benefits, I visited him a few times. We spent holidays with his family, and while he didn’t have a lot of material security to offer, that was OK because the attention he lavished on me was far more important. Every day he told me I was the most beautiful woman on the planet—perfect even. He often commented on how nice it was to be with a woman who liked being affectionate in public, noting that his wife would never allow him to hold her hand or put an arm around here unless they were at home alone. The time was magical! Of course, even in healthy relationships, the honeymoon magic fades eventually.

I should have seen the first fight as a dire warning! We were in a restaurant one evening, and my phone rang. The caller ID indicated that it was my ex-boyfriend. Honestly I didn’t think much of it as I had long since told my Psychopath that the ex and I had parted on very good terms, and though we didn’t talk often, we caught up a couple of times a year (how are the kids, how are the parents, how is your job kind of stuff). Since we were on a date, I didn’t accept the call, sending it directly to voicemail and said simply (more to myself than to him), “that’s weird.” I had actually heard from the ex a couple of months prior (right about the same time my Psychopath and I started talking), so to hear from him again so soon was quite unusual. Psychopath asked me what was so weird, and I told him, “_____ called.” Still I thought nothing of it; we were all adults, right?

It didn’t start with a tirade (later I would learn that it never does), it began with relatively benign questions. “I thought you only talked once or twice a year. Why would he call you?”

Of course, I had no answer other than “I don’t know.”

“Didn’t you just talk to him a couple of months ago?”

“Yeah, I did. That’s why I said it was weird.”

“Doesn’t he know you’re involved with someone?”

“I doubt it. You and I had just started talking when I last spoke to him; we weren’t ‘involved’ yet, and mostly we talked about the kids and about his new job. It doesn’t matter though, I didn’t take the call.”

I honestly don’t even know what happened next, but before I knew it, he was yelling at me in the restaurant. He was yelling at me because someone else called me? I was so flabbergasted I really did not know how to respond. How is someone else’s decision to dial my number my fault? Of course, I asked that question. “You shouldn’t have told me that he called. If your *$*@&& ex-boyfriends call you, you shouldn’t tell me. God you’re a stupid woman.” I guess I don’t need to say it didn’t stop there. My stomach was in knots, and I couldn’t eat my dinner (the food sucked anyway, so it was no great loss *grin*). I was confused, hurt, angry, incredibly embarrassed (being yelled at in public is just no fun), and two and a half hours from the nearest airport (my only exit) without a car. We went back to his sister’s place, a 20-minute drive, with him berating me the entire way. Having no exit options just that moment, I told him I would catch a shuttle to the airport in the morning.

I didn’t know how to play this game then. I didn’t know that sucking me back in was part of the sport. We ended up talking and talking, and talking some more. He told me, “I don’t know why I acted like that. I have never been jealous before. You’re just the most perfect woman in the world. I have loved you my whole life, and I don’t want to lose you ever. I’m sorry.” There was a lot of, “I’m sorry.” Then there was the lovemaking… the amazing lovemaking. The wonderful man I was getting to know came back with gusto. The rest of my visit was filled with days of (what appeared to be) genuine sweetness, lavish attention, and heartfelt expressions of adoration.

Later, over the Christmas holiday, I spent three weeks with him. Things with his wife had reached a complete boiling point as he had learned that she cheated on him (with his brother no less) 16 years earlier. He told me that this was the ammunition he needed to completely break with her and make her out to be the culprit. At the time, when he expressed concerns about being sued for child support (I will give him that! He did always send money for his children) and alimony, it made sense to me that he would want it to be her fault. I really didn’t think much about it other than how anyone in a similar situation would probably work around ways to protect him or herself in an impending divorce/custody battle. (I certainly have a more thorough view of it needing to be “her fault” now.)

Anyway, through that boiling situation, she learned about me, which by my reckoning was just fine. When she found out that I was visiting him over Christmas, however, all hell broke loose. She showed herself to be a complete and utter nut-job. She called and texted him constantly (50 or more times every day I was there). When he would take the calls, she reeled at him about me, calling me the most horrific names. I understood her anger, but at the same time, I was looking at the situation thinking that she had left him five times, she had cheated on him, she had poisoned the girls’ minds about him, she had created this situation. As anyone could imagine, her non-stop insanity created problems for us.

Why couldn’t he just stop taking the calls and ignore her text messages? Why did he continue to allow her to engage him? Why couldn’t he just tell her that she was behaving like a lunatic? He had his out, why couldn’t he just tell her to leave him alone because it was over? At the very least, couldn’t he just turn off the phone at night so we could get a little peace? Daily from 9:00 A.M. until often after 3:00 in the morning, it was a constant barrage, and it was making me crazy. He kept telling me that he wanted to end things peacefully (not that she was going to let that happen) so he insisted on responding to her and keeping the lines of communication open. Now for the record, I realize there are children involved, and I never wanted him to give them up. The children were always his reasoning for allowing the insanity to continue. I tried, oh how I tried to be understanding and supportive. He and I fought almost the entire time. I chalked this up to his issues with her; surely, this would end once she finally accepted it was over between them.

As an aside, I now truly feel for this woman. I am not as sane as I once was, and I am reasonably certain that, while there may have been some instability present in her from the beginning, over the 22 years they were together, he contributed to her craziness.

He moved in with me that February. Moving to a completely different state with another woman, one would think that would solidify the “over” in “it’s over.” I was truly fine with the “love you too” when he would get off the phone with her. I completely got that, and never thought much of it, until he called her “Baby.” OK, in truth, that was the least of the issues once he moved in with me.

He finally found a job, just before he ran out of money. The economy sucks, I get that too! He planned to remodel my house. Insurance paid for the better part of a new kitchen due to a water leak over the holiday season, I had money for materials, and since he had been in construction for over 30 years, it was perfect. I was happy; he seemed happy; it was all good.

The summer, however, was horrific. My stepfather had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer several months earlier, and the end was coming near. As they were in a very tight financial situation anyway, his illness, their continuous trips to the, quite distant, hospital, and the isolation of living so remotely, created a situation where I felt it necessary to travel the five hours to their place several times. Fortunately, I had some savings to count on to help them out and finance all the travel. This left him at my house for extended periods regularly throughout the summer. It seemed a perfect situation though as I needed someone to take care of dogs and the house, the remodel was not as inconvenient for him because he didn’t seem to mind living in the mess, and I was able to do what I needed to without worrying about things at home. Everything and everyone was being looked after in the best possible way given the situation.

Only I would go to my mothers, and the accusations would begin. What was I really doing up there? How many men was I meeting while I was there? Huh? Why was I taking my mother (who incidentally has taken care of old and sick people for the last 40 plus years non-stop) to get pedicures while my step-father was in the hospital; shouldn’t we be packing up the house instead?

Now, as he was asking about pedicures and packing up the house, my mind, the one he gets inside, is rationalizing his views. He’s right of course. The house is for sale, and she won’t have any help when it finally sells it. What am I thinking? I need to be doing something besides giving my mother an outlet to talk (which she isn’t one to do) over stupid puzzles. I’m wasting my time. I should be doing more.

My more rational mind, the one I try to keep him out of, is saying, my mother needs support, emotional nourishment, some pampering, and packing up my step-father’s things in anticipation of his death while he’s still alive seems pretty freaking insensitive, doesn’t it?

This is the problem. When he is away from my head, I think clearly and rationally. Everything at my mom’s place was done when it was necessary. I was there to help her financially and emotionally which is what she needed. All was as well as could be expected.

However, when he talks to me, I get confused. As the onrush of questioning comes into full swing, I am answering question number one, while he’s asking question number five, and before I get to question two, he’s berating me about not answering questions three and four, while seemingly simultaneously asking questions six, seven, and eight! Now, I graduated summa cum laude with my BA in education with a minor in English. I’m not stupid! How does he make me feel so inferior, incapable, and utterly useless when he goes here?

When I would come home from my mom’s, he was always happy to see me. Occasionally we would argue a little, but for the most part, when we were together everything was pretty good. There were things happening that I just didn’t have the energy to argue about though. The remodel was going excruciatingly slowly. He was only working a part-time job, and all of the materials were available when he needed them, so there shouldn’t have been any problem getting the work finished. If I asked about it, there was always some reasonably good excuse for the setbacks, or he would point out that homeowners almost always have an unrealistic expectation of the amount of time these things took, so my concerns were normal. I didn’t speak to all of the times when I would call during the day to find him watching movies, visiting friends, or “I had to go see a guy about some tires.” (Later I would learn this was code for going to see his meth dealer.)

Later I also found out that every time I was gone, he would call his wife several times a day. After months and months of saying he was trying to get her to leave us alone, he was encouraging her to continue her obsessive behavior when I was not around. Then he would call me and explain that she was in some hysterical mess because X happened, and he was going to have to make a trip out there right away, “how soon can you be back?” Two days later, her mess was cleaned up without him, but of course by then he and I had already battled over why he would let her get to him over such stupid (crazy) stuff, and how she pulled his strings like a puppet, and he allowed her to manipulate him. (Yeah, I know who the true puppet master was now).

I also didn’t know that he was going through my personal belongings. I didn’t really have anything to hide from him. He lived in my home, so if he went through the drawers in the dressers, it was no big deal. Having said that, however, there are certain things that I believe most of us just understand, without being told, are off limits. I have kept journals for years, and I never worried about any of my friends or family even looking at these books, let alone reading them. I certainly never felt compelled to tell him outright not to look through them, so perhaps I again had unrealistic expectations.

One day in the fall, he said something during an argument that just sat very wrong with me. I didn’t realize why it bothered me in that moment. The information he had, seemed somehow incongruent with anything we had ever discussed. Later, however I found out that it was something that referenced a passage from my travel journal when I had last visited Italy several years earlier. Apparently, because I had pissed him off at some point over the summer, he thought himself completely justified in reading through every one of my journals. I don’t remember how he said it, but when I confronted him with it, he let me know that it was my fault because if I messed with him, he would get even every time. “Payback is a [censored]!” he always tells me. I still cannot express how violated I felt when I found out.

Through the year that he lived in my house, there were many incidents, fights, battles, and yes, even some good times. I miss going to the parks and spending time with him; it was always, since that first summer we met, our special time, and place together.

He moved back out of state with promises to return. His intention was to go to trade school, help his mom out a bit, get a new career, and return to me. I vacillated between wanting him to stay gone and desperately wanting him back. The first three weeks he was away though, it was a constant fight. I had started a new job, so my schedule was incredibly busy. Between my work and school hours, my sudden very early mornings (and therefore early bedtimes as well), and the time difference, it was difficult to get our free time to match and allow us time to talk. When we did talk, he always yelled and screamed at me because I wasn’t more available to him. Long distance is tough enough without me making it more difficult by not getting on Skype with him every evening.

After three weeks of him screaming at me, he told me he found someone else. “When my family stops talking to you don’t take it personally. They know I have a new girl now. Her name is _______.” The rotten subhuman (I like that expression by the way) had gotten on a dating site just three days after he moved. I’m going to repeat that. Three days after he reached his destination, he was on a dating site, and he spend the next three weeks screaming at me because I was exhausted by 9:00 my time after having gotten up at 5:00 in the morning, and couldn’t get on Skype with him. For three weeks he punished me, hurled accusations, ranted, and raved because I wasn’t available for him, while the entire time he was looking for someone else.

He dumped her, and he sucked me back in. He ranted and raved at me again, then “I’ll give you some time, I need some too. Let’s talk in a week and see how we feel. In the mean time, we have to remain faithful and honest,” he told me. A week later, he tells me about yet another new girl—so much for faithful and honest. We still talked; it wasn’t over, and now I really can’t remember what incident caused me to stop talking to him, but I completely cut him off. In a text message, I said something about I hoped one day he would understand why I had to do what I did the way I did it, and that was the last thing I said. I blocked his number, but of course, it still came up in my call log when he called. I would delete the voice mails without listening to them. I blocked his texts, which was a good idea in theory, but ultimately I read them. They were vile and devastating, but I did not respond. We didn’t talk for two weeks. Oh, my God, it was the most difficult two weeks of my life, and quite frankly, while I was living it and just now, as I write it, the difficulty doesn’t even make sense to me. I could sit here and give you a line-by-line detailed account of all the wrongs he’s done to me and all the reason I should avoid his poison, yet when he is gone from me, I am miserable. In case you’re wondering, yes, I was sucked back in again. He sent me an email. It was sweet, and loving, and all of those things that reminded me of the good guy I fell for. Stupid me, I called him. Yep, I was sucked in again!

On a whim late last week, I decided to do an internet search for “how to live with a psychopath.” I didn’t really believe he was a psychopath, I was just annoyed, and that was the word that came to mind. I found site after site. Wow, there are a lot of people out there dealing with narcissists and psychopaths. I had no idea. I’m still not sure, at least not 100% that this is what I’m dealing with. I have read through the forums, look at papers written by mental health professionals, meandered through studies about psychopathy and narcissism, waded through stories that resonate with me (and some that don’t) and I keep wondering, am I painting him into this corner for my own convenience? Is this the “easy” way for me to feel better about my longing to escape?

So I’ll include one more incident from which I wish you would feel free to draw conclusions. This is where I began this morning when I started to write, but apparently, I had much more to say. While not truly fact or fiction (I have taken a bit of poetic license here), this is an amalgamation of a hundred (or maybe it is only 17 or 41 I don’t know) fights we’ve had.
I sit on the front porch watching the fog settle between the trees and in to the shallow valleys in the meadow landscape. I am at ease with myself. Then I hear him stir and the pit in my stomach turns violently wretched. I don’t know yet what the day will bring, but already I fear it. Will he be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde today? I dread and desire both for different reasons. I want Dr. Jekyll, the nice man I fell in love with because my day will be full of laughter and joy. Really though, I also want Mr. Hyde because I desperately need to escape the hold he has on me, and I don’t know how to do it unless I’m angry and bitter.

He calls me “Baby” when he joins me for his morning coffee. I love his sweet greeting. He makes jokes about the birds, about the trees, about the fog. He is a very funny man, right now he is the Doctor—the nice guy. As always happens, his disarming smile and cute boyish charm warm my heart, and I remember all of the good, gentle, glowing, and beautiful qualities this handsome man has.

“We have to make a plan for the day,” he tells me. This seemingly benign statement causes a visceral reaction—one, which I don’t allow him to see. He always makes plans for the day. As he tells me about all of the things we need to do, I feel the spiral begin. To the outside world this would look normal; inside, however, I know danger begins here.

It took me a long time to recognize the pattern, but this morning I’m on guard. I know what’s coming, and I wonder, does he not know? Can he really not see where this will go, or does he just think I’m too stupid to know what’s at play?

He makes plans, I prepare to help him with those plans and begin work on the things that he said needed done. He sits down in front of the television “just for a minute,” I’m told. I begin working while he sits cruising the channels, and I know all of the things he said he would do, are not going to be done. I know that “just for a minute” will drag in to an hour…into all day. I know that later, he will say he is angry with himself for doing nothing, and that anger will eventually be directed me. He will feel achy and awful because his body doesn’t do well when he sits all day, he’ll take that pain out on me too. I also know that I dare not say a word or Mr. Hyde will show up in full force immediately; of course, he will also get off his ass and get something done (yes, I have learned how to manipulate him as well). Now that I know what he is, and fully understand that I will deal with his wrath no matter what I do, saying something is generally the route I take.

I have never seen myself as a victim. That doesn’t mean that I’ve never been victimized, I am pretty certain in today’s world it is difficult, dare I say impossible, to reach the age of say 30 without some form of victimization happening in your life. I am well over 30. I have suffered my share of rackets, rip-offs, and scams. I’ve briefly fallen prey to hustlers, cons, and sexually aggressive assholes. I’ve lived on this planet and have received my share of battle scars; I wear most of them proudly.

It is different with him though. Even as I sit here fully conscious of how the day will unravel, internally indignant at the behavior I already know I’ll have to deal with, completely understanding what he does, the gnawing pit continues to well up inside me. I’m angry with myself. I’ve been angry with myself before, but now it’s different. It’s deeper and more physical. These are the battle scars I hide. I wear these with shame.

The most frustrating thing is, I don’t know why. I don’t know why he affects me so strongly. I don’t know why I cannot break free of him. I don’t know why it got this far. I don’t know why I allow him to pull me. I don’t know why I, a reasonably intelligent, somewhat savvy, fairly intuitive, and moderately logical woman allowed myself to go to this place.

Am I so needy that I will put up with anything? Shame! Am I so desperate for love that I walked right into this spider’s web despite the huge red danger signs, complete with bright blinking lights, posted all over the periphery of the trap? Shame! Am I so pitiful that I cannot preserve myself? Shame! Am I stupid? Shame! Am I now as manipulative as he is? Shame! Am I hopeless? Shame!

Two hours later, after he’s watched a movie I know he’s seen at least a dozen times, I make my stand. I try the, “I don’t want you to be in pain later,” tact. While I already know it will piss him off, and he won’t see the truth in my words, I have scrutinized the approach. The, “you said you would do this today,” path will lead to a more tumultuous conflict, and the, “say nothing and let him have his way,” method will only prolong the inevitable (and of course nothing will be done). I truly have become manipulative! Shame!

I am not sure if I give him enough credit, or perhaps I give him too much. This too is a source of anguish for me. I would like to believe that he doesn’t know what he does and that he believes his own line of [censored]. If this is true, at least the entire relationship hasn’t been built on a foundation of lies. I would like to believe it hasn’t all been lies. If this is true, however, leaving him really will hurt him as much as he says—as much as I (want to?) believe. How can I live with myself knowing that I created that much agony for another human being?

On the other hand, if he is just the lying manipulative psychopath I also believe him to be, forget what that says about him. What does it say about me (Yes, I recognize my own ego in all of this) and how horribly have I have allowed myself to be duped? Shame! This is also painful because who wouldn’t want to give credence to all of the things he says when he’s being charming; who doesn’t want to be seen as beautiful, intelligent, and perfect at least sometimes? Perhaps that is why it is so difficult to convince myself fully that he is in fact a line-item psychopath (and, given my observations, the odds of “psychopath” are extremely good). However, it would make leaving him much less difficult. It would actually cost him nothing, and he would just move on to his next victim.

As expected, a fight erupts. Having looked at countless articles, forum posts, blogs, rants, raves, documentaries, etc., today I can almost see it from a clinical perspective. I hear the words before they are said (of course we’ve had this fight before, so that’s not completely surprising). I can almost stand outside myself and watch the whole thing unravel, and I can see the mistakes I’m going to make before I make them. Despite my indignation, my intelligence, my education, I am no match for him in this arena. I know this before it all happens, but doesn’t keep me from trying.

He is good—really good. He manages to twist my words, to argue irrelevant points about semantics, tone of voice, or inflection until we are no longer on the subject at hand. I don’t let him get away with this and bring it back around to the original topic. If he can’t win one way though, he will win another.

The next round of attacks begin—everything I’ve ever done “wrong” (real or imaged, and I will admit I am not perfect) in the relationship is thrown at me. A phone call (I didn’t take) from a long-gone ex-boyfriend while we were at dinner, a comment someone made on my Facebook page, a breakfast meeting with a potential employer that I didn’t tell him about because I wanted to surprise him with a job, and my occasional outings for lunch and pedicures with my best friend, all become ammunition. Of course, there is more. He coils and convolutes my words and actions to the point that I question myself. I was wrong to tell him about the phone call, and how dare the ex try to intrude on the psychopath’s time with me. I must be encouraging the posts to my Facebook page (through the private messages I am surely sending these people). I was wrong to “lie” to him about the breakfast meeting. And, every time I go out with my best friend, there must be men involved (because once, I accidentally shot a guy in the face with a straw paper that I was shooting at my friend—quite a comical story really, but for another time perhaps).

Now I like to believe that I am reasonably articulate, but when it goes here, I begin to question the reality of who I am. As he targets this barrage of bullets at me, I find myself unable to counter the attacks at the machine gun speed with which he hurls them. The more I protest, the louder and faster the projectiles come. I become confused because I don’t even know which accusation I am answering. They continue at breakneck speed, and my confusion becomes the undeniable “proof” he seeks to affirm my guilt in front of the firing squad. He is in control now, accuser, judge, jury, and executioner.

My head is reeling, and I am in a complete fog trying to catch up to the onslaught. The next round of attacks becomes truly personal as he begins to compare me to his “insane ex wife,” (who apparently tried to fight him in exactly the same way—go figure). Then the name-calling begins. It isn’t necessary to repeat the names; I would rather not give them any more weight than they have already imprinted on my battered heart. This, however, is the point where I completely lose it. I once went so far over the edge, as I was standing in the kitchen, sobbing, barely able to breathe I lost control of my bladder. Shame! I have never been so ultimately humiliated in my life. Even now as I write this, I feel the devastation I experienced then (fortunately I am in control of my bladder this time *grin*).

All of this is my fault of course. “Don’t make me call you names,” he’ll say to me. It has become physical too (yes I know how crazy it is to stay at that point), and that, of course, is also my fault because I “push too far.” If he walks out that door during a fight, I know it will be a bad day for some unsuspecting person in traffic, and that too is my fault. He actually said once that, “If someone gets beat up at a red light today, it’s your fault because you pissed me off.” I know… I KNOW those are not my responsibilities, and I’ve tried to tell him that he makes his choices; if he chooses to hurt someone it isn’t my fault, but he will never see it.

So, the fight ends, with me in tears—always with me in tears. Then later, he comes to me and he apologizes for everything he said and did. He tells me, “I know all of the fights are really my fault, Baby. I’m sorry; I just can’t help it, when I get angry I fight dirty.” I don’t want, or don’t have the energy to rehash it, so I don’t say anything. Just in this minute, as I sit at my computer typing these sentences, I realize how he reads my silence. I have capitulated, buckled under the pressure, folded over, succumbed to him, and yielded once again. It cost him nothing to apologize; as much as I would like to believe his remorse, right this minute, I know he didn’t mean it, he never means it. It is just another tool he uses to keep me under his spell.

Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/18/12 09:22 AM

Wow! Your an amazing writer!I so relate to everything you expressed. I too met my psychopath, when I was younger. He was my first love. He took my virginity at 16. For years and years I felt I had given up the one man who truly loved me. Until he came back into my life 20 years later. It didn't take long for me to realize he was a psychopath. But im still unable to completely let go. To accept the fact that he never loved me at all. I haven't been back with him per say. But i haven't been able to separate my heart from him either. I've had my heart raked trough the coals for this!

It's a hard thing to accept! That you were never really loved. Oh the shame! I used to think I was so strong and didn't take any crap from men. Now I wonder if I'm just a big insecure worthless doormat of a fool? I have been. Why did I allow this to happen? How could I allow this to happen? I think this shame is part of the reason that keeps me stuck. I know i need to go completely no contact. If i truly ask myself? I know I hate his freaking guts! But I get so scared and so sad when i stop interacting with him completely. And then the mental barrage of everything that's happened. All the pain that comes along with that. It physically incapacitates me. Im fighting to hang onto what little i have left as it is. It's a no win situation.

Taking a look at what has compelled me to get or stay involved in this situation. Hoping to find a way out of it. Never to fall back into it again. Has led me to realize. Ive been targeted by psychopaths my whole life. My step father was one. And somehow I keep drawing in the very things that i fear. I don't consciously feel that I don't deserve to be loved. But I realize I must believe this at my core. How to change that I do not know? I've spent my life trying to be good enough. All it has done is led me to be taken advantage of by pretty much everyone I know.

So the journey begins. I will heal! I will deal with my issues! Because i will not be duped by another f'ing psychopath! Your lucky you have a best friend. I have no friends. I'm to dam scared to make any new ones after this experience. There is so much shame! These battle scars I hide even from myself at times.

Thank you so much for your candid story. I so relate to everything you say. I also read the posts and feel that i have not endured what alot of people have gone through. But it has taken the parts of me that i cant replace. My innocence. My self worth at times. I think these are the things we can all relate to. It's a very unique and perplexing situation.

I have just started no contact again and i really need to stick to it! Sometimes i just cant resist texting him and letting him know i know every rotten thing he's done and is. but oh boy! that's where I know got some mental issues. You do not confront a Psychopath with the truth. And Ive had this obsessive need to do so for a while now. And he is hell bent on destroying my life. And has succeeded in many ways. But it only makes me want to confront him even more. I don't know why i do it? maybe because i hold so many secrets that i cant tell anyone else? Or that all his punishment will never make me deny my own intuition again. Whatever it is I'm fighting a lost cause. I need to be able to move forward and let some of this anger go. I don't know how to do that, being that it seems to tie into a lifetime of pain and anger I've yet to acknowledge. Its here i can see the glimps that this all happened for a reason.

Oh crap I'm running late~talk later
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/18/12 01:54 PM

I agree, you are a good writer. I can also relate to everything you wrote, and I bet any of us can.
Don't ever, ever let anyone make you believe that your experience is less tragic than someone else's - the pains we go through are the worst for us, and that's just how it is.
I also sometimes read stories and feel that mine was not so bad after all, but the psychical pain is hard to measure, not to mention compare.

I dont think anyone can beat a psychopath. Even those that know, those that have studied them all their lives will tell you NO CONTACT. There is no way to deal with them because every second that you spend with them is not only that second lost but also many to come afterwards, when you question and you wonder and you get confused over and over and over again about how and why are they this way.

I consider myself lucky - I wouldn't have been able to break the bond anymore at that time when the new victim showed up (or maybe rather a new victim was found BECAUSE I tried with my last strengths to break the bond just a moment before). I still dont understand why he had to make me wanna die before leaving me completely alone, I cannot comprehend the evil, but I do know this - had it not been for that other victim and my last stand against, I may have totally given up and stayed in this situation.

It‘s been a long time now, and it strucks me sometimes, like today, how even though I have healed from the pain and learned to understand the evil, how I cannot let go of the image that I loved. Maybe we never can? Maybe if you've conscience, you will always wanna see the good in people? It kills me, cause the good memories of love bring those bad ones and they clash and I am left confused again. It's the worst of all. Remembering the evil side is still very hard.
Posted by: MalachiteMoon

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/18/12 06:31 PM

Thank you for your kind words about my writing, Stephanie.

When I read, "It's a hard thing to accept! That you were never really loved," I cannot tell you how that resonated in my soul. I know this is why I have clung so long to the idea that he isn't really a Psychopath, and that maybe, just maybe he truly has the capacity to love. The more I know, and the more I experience, however, the less inclined I am to believe it. I have not initiated “no contact” yet, but it is very close at hand. The light bulbs are illuminating one by one; the moment is near. The more of these stories I read, the stronger I become. I am waiting for the moment… you know the one. I don’t know what the trigger will be, but I now feel ready for when it happens.

This is why I'm here; I need the reassurance of the people who have been through what I've been through, so I can be strong and hold my ground. My pragmatic nature insists that I do what works, and so far, nothing else has worked. Let us not forget the definition of insanity! For myself, I must try something different than I have tried before. Yes, I had “no contact” for two weeks, and then, he sent a very sweet email, and I caved. Even as I was succumbing, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted in my life. As I was making the phone call, I was questioning myself. One ring, “what the hell are you doing?” Two rings, “You know you don’t want this, right?” Three rings, “This is stupid. Why are you putting yourself back in this situation?” He picked up the phone, and… well, you know the rest.

I didn’t know then what I know now though. For weeks, I have been wondering how I got back here, and of course questioning my mental stability as well. What normal, sane, rational human would put herself back in this position? I’ve asked myself, “if I'm just a big insecure worthless doormat of a fool” too. You, dear Stephanie, are not alone.

It breaks my heart to read your words, to know that you feel like you are targeted by, or drawn to these people because somewhere in your core, you must believe you are undeserving. Of the five women who are closest to me (myself included, because I actually do like me), three, possibly four have had issues with NPDs or Psychopaths. Now I can’t tell you that we are all 100% emotionally healthy, but then, I can’t say that about anyone I know or ever hope to know.

What I can tell you is that these people (Ns, Psychopaths, and the like), while toxic as hell, are also incredibly charismatic. Naturally, you’re drawn to them; a LOT of people are drawn to them. Have you ever watched nature shows? Predators have many artifices designed to capture their prey, and sometimes the ruse is simply their charm. Make no mistake; Psychopaths are very effective predators in beautiful disguises that are designed to lure you into their traps.

Like you, I want to tell him how horrible he is; I desperately want him to understand, and I know exactly where you are coming from here. It is perhaps, however, easier for me to look at you to see the truth in me, than it is to look at myself to see my own truth. That is to say, when I read how badly you want to confront him, I hear my own voice saying the same words. However, I can also see it from a more clear perspective—from the outside—as if I’m watching it in a horror movie, and I am screaming at the screen, “Don’t go back in the house! Run like hell! No! No! Not up the stairs you moron (they always run up the stairs); you’ll be trapped. Run out the freaking door!!!”

It is a compelling notion to make him see the truth, but it will never happen. Just like knowing that our relationship was built on a foundation of lies, so will be his ultimate clarity of self. It just isn’t possible for him to see that truth, no matter how badly I (or you, or any of us) want it. I know that even when my Psychopath says he is sorry, when he sounds so incredibly remorseful, and my heart simply bursts for all the love I feel, it is just a ploy he uses to keep me inside the house. If he would admit his guilt, his fault, his deficiency, the admission would also be a lie, and if I buy into that notion, I will still be in the house, running up the freaking stairs.

I cannot say for certain, because, thankfully, I am not in your Psychopath’s head, but I suspect your Psychopath knows that his actions tie you to him by making you want to confront him. It is probably a thrill for him to watch you struggle with it, succumb to the obsession, then to slap you down again with his abuse. I suspect that is part of his game. I hope you can be strong, and if you can’t do it on your own, that you can find strength in others who have been through this and are willing to share their experiences and insight here. That is my plan. Every time I feel like I can’t resist the urge to contact him, I am going to come here to read, to share, to remind myself of the hell, and to gather the strength to run down the stairs and out the freaking door!
Posted by: MalachiteMoon

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/18/12 06:51 PM

Thank you, NewBird.

The only person who makes me feel as though my experience is less tragic is me, but I appreciate your support. You are right, whatever the anguish any of us is going through, it is the worst for us.

I agree, no one can beat a psychopath. The “average” person is simply not emotionally equipped to play the game as well as the Psychopath does. It is much like showing up to the line of scrimmage at a football game carrying a bat and ball, and wearing a baseball glove, ball cap, and cleats. We may land a couple of blows with that bat, but ultimately the linebacker in full pads isn’t going to be too affected by our attempts, we are going to be run over, and it is going to hurt!

I too am haunted by the good memories that often carry bad ones as baggage. I am, however, thankful that I have the capacity to love even through all of this. I desperately want to be angry with him, and I need that for a while, but ultimately I will always hope (even though I know it is futile) that someday, some way, he will be able to understand love and find happiness. At the very least, I will eventually forgive (not forget—never forget) the things he’s done, and simply feel sorry for him (from a great distance) and for those whose lives he destroys. Despite what he is, what he has done, and the pain he has inflicted, at least I can say, I loved. I truly loved.
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/18/12 10:07 PM

I think i was going to keep drawing in the thing i feared the most. What I resisted persisted. Until i am forced to have to deal with what happened to me as a child. I thought i had and had forgiven. But obviously not. I'd just told myself I had so as to not have to go back and feel it. I can tell you one thing! All of me worst fears are no longer as scary. Because they are my reality. And I'm still alive and kicking:)

I got to see this entire situation from a different viewpoint. I was the child who knew. I knew all his lies. i watched him put on his loving good church going guy act. i knew how he had other women. He is my stepfather I'm speaking of. The only father I ever knew. I never wanted to be tricked like my mother. I resented her for being so stupid. Boy now I understand her side of the story much better.

It took me a while to figure out that my ex psychopath was so jealous and accusing because of what he was doing all day. He picked up on women on cheating web sites all day and could be back to the dutiful adoring family man by the time I got home from work. He cheats all day everyday literally online and off. He needs a constant parade of attention. And yes he is the most charming funny inspirational person to be around. I do have a love and a sadness for him. He has no selfworth of his own. He has to lie to others to get it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. I want him to be be able to find happiness as well. But he is evil. I have to accept it. I dont like to accept evil very much. Every time I try in this case. Is where I know in my heart he can be cured. Because God can do anything. But he wont take his free will. He will never change.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/19/12 10:37 AM

Hi MalachiteMoon, welcome to our community. Thanks for your well written situation. One thing that caught my eye is that you are dealing with a double whammy. I have studied meth addiction for many years and did you know the recovery rate is 1 - 2%? Not good odds and then compiled with a Psychopath there is no good way to ever have a relationship.

I hope you consider that if you are in contact with him. One of the things that happens so often is that we all go back to try and recapture the "good times", short lived as they are.

You are a good and trusting person, the trust was just in the wrong person. They are very clever at gaining information to use as bullets to shoot a person in their vulnerable spots. I am glad you found us and hope we can help you bring some peace into your life, it is well deserved.

Posted by: FreeBird

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/19/12 03:36 PM

I wouldn't be surprised to find him use other drugs as well.
Psychopaths just love drugs, it's their favorite dish

MalachiteMoon I hope you will find all the info you need here, it takes time to understand and of course all of us had doubts. One thing you have to realize is you are not crazy for looking for love in someone. We've all been there, go back there and understand how it is to love a Psychopath. I sometimes wonder how easy it is for them to lure victims - all they have to do is make little stories, tell a few lines, and oh my god you are in love. Why? Because they are too good to be true. They always talk to your subconsciousness, and your reply is not controlled by you. That is exactly why there is no way to deal with a Psychopath, even when you know all about the disorder you still are vulnerable, because you cannot control what they do to you. You described it very with the email situation and the telephone - it took a few words to totally control your mind.

However, that which makes us vulnerable and defenseless to Psychopaths is also our biggest strength, because its those things they lack that have let humanity go so far. That is what binds people together. Its the thing that has brought you here. I don't know how much this forum will help you, but I can tell you it has helped and still helps me to go through this mess. Just knowing that there are people out there who understand is so much.
It helps cause everyone around me - they don't understand psychopathy, just like I once didn't and they believe him (most people) or at best - just ignore the situation. It hurt me very deeply that no one was there for me when all hell broke loose. People are scared of it. They don't want their world to shake. They fear to stand for others and even themselves.

Oh, and as for love and peace and letting go and wanting all the best and healing and love for psychopaths (not just mine, all of them) - I hope they die. I hope they die a long, painful, ugly death. I wish them all the worst. I don't feel a tiniest bit of that compassion. I wouldn't enjoy it, but if I saw a psychopath dying in the street I would never help them. Recently I had a dream about my psychopath being dead, and I know I would be very happy if he was (I felt such a release in the dream). I don't care, this is how I fell, I wish they all died.
Posted by: FriedaB

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/20/12 12:23 AM

Originally Posted By: NewBird
Oh, and as for love and peace and letting go and wanting all the best and healing and love for psychopaths (not just mine, all of them) - I hope they die. I hope they die a long, painful, ugly death. I wish them all the worst. I don't feel a tiniest bit of that compassion. I wouldn't enjoy it, but if I saw a psychopath dying in the street I would never help them. Recently I had a dream about my psychopath being dead, and I know I would be very happy if he was (I felt such a release in the dream). I don't care, this is how I fell, I wish they all died.

I second that, thank you!
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/20/12 09:33 PM

I third that! I can say I truly loved like I'd never dared to do before. But what or who did i love? How could i really love someone who in reality everything I detest? He knew I'd rather be dead than be with someone like him
Posted by: MalachiteMoon

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/20/12 09:37 PM

Originally Posted By: FriedaB
Originally Posted By: NewBird
Oh, and as for love and peace and letting go and wanting all the best and healing and love for psychopaths (not just mine, all of them) - I hope they die. I hope they die a long, painful, ugly death. I wish them all the worst. I don't feel a tiniest bit of that compassion. I wouldn't enjoy it, but if I saw a psychopath dying in the street I would never help them. Recently I had a dream about my psychopath being dead, and I know I would be very happy if he was (I felt such a release in the dream). I don't care, this is how I fell, I wish they all died.

I second that, thank you!

It certainly is not mine to judge, as I have never walked in another person's shoes. However, I long ago learned that harboring hatred only hurts and limits me as a human being. As hurt as I am by him (or by anyone for that matter), if I hold on to the anger and I turn it into rage, while it may seem to make me feel a little better at the time, inside it eats at my being. I diminish a little every day. Each day I permit hatred to gnaw away at me, I become increasingly bitter, less loving, more inclined to be like…him. I am not a tree-hugging starlight airy-fairy Twinkie, mind you. I am a strong, vital woman, and I (typically) don't take crap from anyone.

I, however, do not hate.

Unlike him, I have genuine compassion for human kind, and like it or not, Psychopaths are humans. None of us knows how they became what they are (and I am certainly not suggesting that we go out and put ourselves in their paths or allow them to continue abusing us). However, similarly, some people might look at an incredibly obese woman, and decide she isn't worth compassion because she chose to eat herself into her situation. No matter how people came to be the way they are, I have compassion—not because of who they are, but because of who *I* am. I won’t allow him to have enough control fundamentally to change who I am at my core. If I did that, if I allowed his behavior to alter my essence, to make me hate, he would win. I won’t let him beat me.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/21/12 03:17 PM

For me its not hate, I know hate and its not that. Its fear if anything, anxiety. I would feel better if my Psychopath was dead, thats for sure. I would be free of that feeling.
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 06/30/12 11:35 PM

Ok I’ve posted before, but mainly have just been reading for a long time trying to piece things together. I seem rather stuck at times. I think I need to post my story. Because I have no one to talk to. I can’t afford therapy. I don’t want to stay in this place. This last experience woke me up you could say. But only to realize i have had many psycho’s in my life. All of which I have never been able to speak about. So this is my story. Please just pass over or ignore things that don’t apply or if it gets to long. If i can even write it that is. Maybe it will be very short or come in bits.

I’m going to start from the beginning from where it all started with me. I was just about to have my two year old birthday. I remember much more from my childhood from before that point than after it. I was born in November. I was Daddy’s little girl! I’ve heard that it used to make my mother mad. My dad would get home and head strait for me. We were the spitting image of each other. My mother would be angry because he didn’t pay as much attention to my older sister or her. My older sister was golden to my mother. Who i’ve recently discovered is a narsicist. I remember always wanting to be with my daddy.

Being an avid hunter. It was the season, and so my father went on the deer hunt. My mother had argued with him about that also. She tried to get him to stay home by using my birthday and if he loved me he would stay home and spent the weekend with us for it. He had to get out of the house and out into the great outdoors. I totally understand this. At least I do now. I have to get outside if i’m around my mother very long as well;)

The next childhood memory i remember very clear. I was in bed it was very late. I could hear my mother crying in her room. So I went in and asked her what was the matter. I don’t know how well I talked, but in my mind the words were perfectly clear. She was crying so hard. She told me my daddy was dead. She told me he died in a car accident driving down the canyon on his way home from the deer hunt. i didn’t understand death. But she said he was gone to heaven. I tried to make her feel better. I told her we could get a new Daddy. That when he came back we could have two Daddy’s.

My father was killed by a drunk driver driving an oil tanker. It was one of the first and the biggest law suit recovery in the states history. It was a quarter of a million dollars. This was forty years ago. so that was alot for then I guess. Now I see why we were targeted. Oh and the fact that my mother had two small pretty little girls. My two year Birthday was not a happy one that year. It was more like why not celebrate it we will all be together for the viewing anyways. It was such a dark day. Everyone was shocked and grieving. My family is not one to express emotions. They get angry instead. They were angry at my Dad. But I thought they were angry at me. Everyone seemed to agree. If my Dad would have loved me more. He wouldn’t have died.He would have stayed home to celebrate my birthday. They even fought about it. My Mom knew something was going to happen. My life would never be the same. I waited for a very long time for my daddy to come back. It never happened.

A year or so later I did get a new Daddy. I got a new older brother too. I was three years old when two psychopaths invaded my home, my life, my body and my soul. I remember the day

that i gave up. I realized they were not going to go away. that this nightmare was my life. My new Dad destroyed everything of my father’s. He changed our last name to his. he even scraped the names off of our scriptures. I had a yellow blanket my mom had bought me when my dad died. I carried it everywhere. Until one day my Psychopath Daddy had a talk with me. He said it was time to grow up now. He put my blanket in the fireplace and burnt it. He told me santa Clause was not real. And he showed me a hustler porno magazine and told me what was real. I was three. He continued to teach me things over the years.

I was the one who seen behind his mask. I got to view this from the child’s point of view. I watched him be so sweet and flattering to my mother. ACTING like he loved her. telling her how beautiful she was. When he wasn’t beating her. I also got to see the womens underwear he’d bring home. See him flirt with every woman on earth. see his sickening discusting porno magazines. See him lie to my Mother. lie to everyone. He was a good church going dude. He told me about how men want the wife and family. He told me what men really want though. My soul died trying to swallow that pill. It had to for me to continue to stay alive.

I thought I had worked so hard. Thought i had dealt with all my issues. Come to find out. somehow I’d just went blind. I stayed oddly nieve. Until now! I tried so hard to not be affected by what happened. To believe in love. And i learned so much. Yet this is where i end up? lied to cheated on and betrayed. Just like my mother. You have no idea the deep seeded hatred I had for her and how stupid she was. I swore that is the one thing i would never be. My Psychopath boyfriend knew all this. He knew I’d rather be dead than ever have that happen to me. he did it anyways. I sit here unable to let it go. To even completely get away from him. I feel completely powerless. now looking back I see all of my relationships were just men who seen me as some ideal they got from porno. I have been manipulated and controlled and F’d with! Why do i keep drawing these perverts to me? Sometimes i feel like I’m the allian. This is hell! this is there world. I don’t belong here. They are evil. Now I know what i was dealing with when i was small. Pure evil! I know its not everyone. The one good thing to come out of this is I’m not blind anymore. I can see them. Man I was blind. My instincts always knew. but i thought i was just messed up. I doubted them because of it.
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/01/12 12:21 AM

I also do not hate. Oh I have felt it at times for him. But It's not a good place to be. I know he does not want to be like he is. He knows he's different. It's not fair. Why God? But it's at the same time my compassion that leads me to get sucked back into this madness. And make no mistake. he is evil and cruel.

He knows he's causing pain and he enjoys it much of the time. They use people. Mine takes advantage of women so he doesn't have to work and can spent all day pursuing discrete relationships on adult friend finder. Ya i also figured out why they are so paranoid about us cheating. And why they would not want to be told if an ex boyfriend is calling. they are all lies. it's all an act to get ego strokes and to gratify the moment. They think their doing us a favor by not telling us the truth.

They know how bad it would hurt us. They just don't care. They just don't want to have do deal with our reaction when they do. Oh but if you notice they also can't resist slipping in the truth here and there just to taunt you and watch you squirm all while denying it and trying to make you feel crazy and jealous and insecure. Isn't psychopath just the technical name for Ass Hole? So tell me? How did we love someone who does in fact inhibit all of the qualities that we dislike in a person? And won't tolerate from ourselves?

I think of all of his traits. i can't say i even like a single one. Yet he made me love him still. My heart and soul got shredded just the same. It's a cruel trick. They these Psychopaths have taken my entire life. there is so much more to my story. They have taken everything away from me down to my own children. My whole childhood as well. I do not want them taking the rest of my life from me. If someone is Obese they do not manipulate me into me allowing them to unknowingly eat my soul. But the Psychopath sure did. i have no compassion for that. It doesn't matter if someone is fifty lbs or five hundred. It's what comes from within them that can truly harm someone.

I don't know how to keep me and not trust. i have to trust. but I don't have that any more.I don't want to spend my days on the look out for these people. It puts a huge damper in my day. That's where i would not feel bad at all if they all died. So I could just feel like me again.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/02/12 03:09 PM

Stephanie, what you are going through is not in any way different from what all of us experience.

I was just thinking the same, just a minute ago, and came here to look for answers, like always.

It is a sad thing to think about your life being one big struggle with these people. It is hurting to think about the better past when they didnt exist in your mind and life was just easy and harmless.

Our conscious is a powerful gift yet it can lead us astray as well. The key is to find balance in life, and for me that balance has been patience. Whenever I feel really bad I think and remember thats its just a moment, a day, a week at most. It comes and goes. I try to see the big picture.

I sometimes think that I am missing on life because I am so cautious now. I dont trust people, even those Ive know and liked for a while I still watch and examine their every move or word. And I wish people were just good, and everyone would be happy. But we are living in a sad world. Unfortunately no one is teaching us that, if they do, they do the opposite. Tell us to trust, pity, give and so on.

As you say - I wouldnt mind too if all of them psychopaths were dead. Its not that I wish some certain people death, its just I think it would be better for everyone.
And we could just take the alert state off and start living normally. But thats never gonna happen.
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/04/12 10:44 AM

I think I have stayed here stuck in this place for so long because I don't know anything different. That's a scary thought because this is everything I don't want! Reading and learning about things like boundries and self worth. I can see how much work I need to do, and how easily I could end up back here if I don't. I guess this is what has brought me to this place though. I brought myself here. To finally be able to come to terms with all the things that have happened to me in my life. Whatever it is that subconsciously affecting all of my relationships with people and with myself. I do not have the slightest clue of how to do that though. All I can do is to start to take the advice have read. Start to keep a journal and try to process all this pain.

Do you think it's possible to get through this process any quicker? To somehow just accept this is what they do. Be aware of it but not have to fear it. I have great instincts. I've just never trusted them. I let people sway me. I knew everything about my ex Psychopath from the beginning. Why did i doubt? Why did I stay? The thought that I might not believe I am worth any more than this treatment. Scares the living crap out of me! No one deserves this. Maybe I just need to be able to visualize something different. Something better. What I really want and need to be happy. I have to be able to trust to be able to open myself up to love and be loved. Whatever this has been with my Psychopath? It has not been love. Because there has been no trust. It's all been fear. An overwhelming need to be loved. And the fear of that not being a possibility. That's what I was trying to fix. I lost.

Time to learn how to love myself? Thanks for letting me ramble. I think it helps me.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/04/12 05:25 PM

just from the top of my head now - if you are hungry, really really hungry, like starving hungry, and you see some food, but its old and dirty and so on, and you know you might end up sick after eating it, wouldnt you still eat it?:)

What we do - trust, love, care, is most normal. We hunger for human contact just the same as we hunger for food every day. However, you cant survive without food, but you can without human contact.

At least for some time. I have had so many friends around me, but when it came to helping, no one was there. Some didnt know what to do, some were just scared, and some unable to do anything much. But worse than that some were psychopaths as well.

I dont know what healed me, there wasnt one miracle drug thats for sure.
Its a set of things you learn, recognize, its like exercise. You just have to practice every day.

I guess what kept me going, when I was left without anyone really, was that deep down inside I knew I was right. I knew I was lied to, manipulated. I knew he was evil. Even though everyone would deny or think Im crazy I went on and spoke my mind, and cut all of the psychopaths out of my life. I pushed all of my friends away and watched them for awhile. I was lost, terrified, scared and exhausted. But even then I decided I have to make changed in my life. I chose those who proved their friendship. But even though, I am still on the watch. If they say or do sth I dislike I tell them. This whole thing has made me a more independent person. I learned to be assertive, in a way that doesnt hurt people (id always thought it was either nice or bitchy, but its not). I learned get to know people before I trust them. I learned to turn back and walk away the minute I sense that gut feeling that this is wrong.

But the most important thing I learned - is to take life slowly. Not to rush into things. It tastes better this way:) I dont give everyone credit, they need to win my friendship- few ever did. But thats just how it is. Only a few people are worth trusting. You have to wait to learn who those are. All of the rest - you keep your distance. And the psyhcopaths-or anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable in any way-just turn back and walk away. Never ever get attached to someone you dont know- the more you get in the harder it will be to get back. Its that simple.

Of course, due to my 'tactics' I may loose a chance to meet some important people, maybe a potencial friend, maybe a soulmate or whatever, but I dont really care. Id rather be safe than stupid.
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/05/12 02:39 AM

Ya I am just realizing that I have jumped into relationships whole heartedly. I'm an introvert So I don't need alot of people around me. But i feel very deeply for those I do let in. I have been taken advantage of by pretty much everyone it seems looking back now. It was my fault though. I've been very isolated and shell shocked for quite some time now. I'm old! I don't really have any friends. I don't feel comfortable like myself anymore to even try to make friends. I know my body language shows fear of rejection and mistrust. It's like it's a contagious disease. People pick up on you being victimized and they automatically start to make you the scape goat themselves. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I want to be treated good. I'm a nice person. But I have a very hard time opening up to anyone. I don't know how to accept someone caring about me if I'm not helping them in some way. I have tried to mention to my family that i need help or that this situation has affected me greatly. I had a nervous breakdown and told my mother. But She did not even respond. Well other than to tell me to stop being so selfish and to think of someone besides myself. She will not even hear one word about this subject though. it brings up to many bad memories of what she went through with my step father. But that really hurts me because she knows and understands what I'm going through. She just doesn't want to have to think about what she went through. The whole situation that has me drawing psycho's into my life to begin with. I pisses me off! I don't want to allow them to have an affect on me any more.

I know I will heal from this and be better of for it in the long run.I wish I could afford therapy. But I can't so it will have to be me and Jesus smile Jesus is my friend! It's very hard to make friends where I live anyways. Most everyone is married and they keep to their little family units. Those who are not married? At my age (41). I don't think think the odds are very good at dating someone who is not character disordered. Hell I've never even dated really. Whenever I start i get so overwhelmed by all of the attention. I hurry and pick one so the rest will go away. It's mostly perverts who want to date me anyways. I have gone from one relationship to the next being controlled and manipulated. I can't believe it took me this long to wake up. Better late than never I guess.

I need to keep posting on here. Not run away and hide this time. I don't think I can heal from this in isolation. It really took this happening to force me to have to open my eyes. To get so hurt that I'm forced to face it and do something about it. I see my old ways are soooo not working for me. And after all I have nothing left to fear anymore. I'm living through it. The only way is up from here.

How long did it take you to heal? Do you think it's possible that I am already partly there even though i have had contact with him? I don't have much contact but it does only bring more pain. I'm so glad that i can connect to the light though. What a sad thought to not be able to like them. I really have alot to be grateful for. and a whole new life and me to look forward to after i make it through the transformation. shocked

If there is anything more I need to be doing I'm open to any advice or perspectives. Thanks for listening
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/05/12 02:46 AM

Oh and thank you for the advice already given. It is good and I am taking it to heart. I need to not rush things. Everything happens when it is supposed to anyways. I will just have to watch myself when trusting in the future. Wow things have so much more meaning to me now than before. Like relationships and sex. I know what I want now too. things are much more valuable to me now.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/05/12 09:58 AM

Hi Stephanie, since you mentioned you would like to keep communicating and letting us support you would you like for me to move your post to a thread of its own?

I know you can heal, it is a hard road but you have made the first huge step by speaking out here with us.

Just let me know and I would be glad to set up a new thread with your posts from here so you can have a place of your own for us to help support you.

Btw you are not too old to ever find love wink and a love that doesn't damage you so.

Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/08/12 07:48 PM

Yes! Thank you, that would be great! I don't have alot of time. Sometimes it is hard for me to come here. I work full time and then i have to go stay at my grandmothers 5 nights a week. She is very old and can't do much for herself. It's been very hard trying to act like i can care for her. when I can't even care for myself. My aunt was in town last week, so I had a week off from there. I was able to process through so many emotions. I have kept myself so busy working. Trying to make sure everything is perfect. That when I would get a moment to myself to think. It would drop kick me pretty much. I couldn't even function. I think I am getting past that stage for the most part. I still feel overwhelmed by the realization of how much my past abuse has been influencing my life. I thought I had dealt with those things.I feel so dysfunctional. This makes it hard to build self esteem. I have been told by everyone pretty much. That i am damaged because of the abuse I suffered as a child. Like it will be some big challenge for anyone to even try to love or care about me. I have been shut down shut out and condemned any time that I have asked for or needed help. I remember rocking myself as a child. Soothing myself by saying over and over "It's ok nobody cares." I have recreated this belief many many times in my life. I want to let go of this belief.

I know the way to find happiness for me anyways. Is to tap into my spiritual self. To be able to care. to have love and compassion. To keep positive thoughts and beliefs about mankind. But this does not work with Psychopaths. You have to accept the fact that they do not care to survive. Yet accepting this fact feels like another sort of death. How to remain true to myself and stay guarded and aware at the same time? Giving to much trust? Not trusting enough? Having compassion and being a doormat? Not settling for less than I deserve? To having delusional fairy tale expectations of what men and relationships are meant to be? The proper boundaries to keep all these things in check? So many fine lines. I don't even know what a normal healthy expectation to have is? I do know that having all the answers to these questions, will not change a thing if deep down i don't believe I am able to be loved. And the fear alone can ensure that I never will be.

I think a part of me has not wanted to accept the fact that no one cares. So I keep putting myself back in those situations. Trying to prove to myself that I can beloved. If I'm just good enough I will be loved. When in reality What i have to offer would be more important to most people than some irresistible porno whore. But to psychopaths? No nothing I ever do will make me worth squat. because they just don't care. If it were really only 4% of the population. I'd have some pretty good odds. But for me and what I've seen? Or maybe it's where I live? It seems like I have about a 4% chance of someone who is not a psychopath, wanting to get involved in a relationship with me. Psycho magnet is the understatement of the year. This is what I've got to change. So the war continues between me and my subconscious.

i know what i need to do. Try to believe in my worth. But for some reason the very idea of that makes me panic. It doesn't feel safe to do so. I don't know why? Could it be that it's because that's how I got hurt? I was so small. Only three. But i thought I knew truth. I did. i was still so close to God. it's like I knew everything about love and who I was. My worth. I was a child of God.I remember singing that song to keep myself entertained when i was two. What my step father forced me to see and believe, that day he showed me the porn and told me about what men want and what they really want. It destroyed my belief in me. Who I was meant to be. Of love and what i was worth to anyone. I don't know how long I fought to keep believing in my truth I knew. Before I had to accept that I'd never be worth more than that irresistible whore? It was soul death. My Psychopath step father had so much proof. Like Benny hill and many other things he could point to in life that proved what he said. He told me the truth. The same truth the world keeps on reminding me of. So what is normal for men to do? And why does that hurt me so much? Does that make me an unreasonable prude? I don't want to get into a porn debate. But the way I saw it then, when i was so close to God/truth. Is the same as i see it now. It is pure evil. At least that's the only feeling I have ever got from it. If all men look at it? Do I even want one? Then with this last Psychopath boyfriend. I had got to where I could trust and did believe in love. Only to find out I never was. It hurts to much to believe you are loved and worth something to someone. To find out your not. I don't want to go through that again. I feel so damned if I do damned if I don't. But I've come to dam far to give up now dammit!I want to be loved like everyone else.Now I have learned many more things that will keep me from having that. I will not make those same mistakes again. It is not completely out of my control. I control the outcome of my life. I have nothing left to fear, but the fear it's self. I will rise above it this time! We all deserve to love and to be loved.
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/08/12 07:55 PM

Oh and i just changed my name from scape to faith. I don't want to be a scapegoat any more. I have to have faith that if i change my beliefs and the way I look at things. The things in my life will change. So will i. smile
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/13/12 09:52 PM

I know one is never to old to find love, and I will never give up hope. But this law of attraction seems to have it's down side. I'd like to just say i forgive it all and I can logically see why i should and could do that. I really thought I had with my childhood past. Guess not though. Maybe by the time i work through this experience with my Psychopath boyfriend, I will have found closure to all of it. I wonder if things really do happen for a reason? It just doesn't seem to be the case with psychopaths. Do any of you feel like your Psychopath experience happened for a reason? How many of you have gone on to find good relationships? Does the PTSD ever go away?
Posted by: Smokey

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/14/12 03:18 PM

With hindsight over a period of several decades I have been involved in three past relationships with psychopaths, all of them on again, off again, as they do. Me faithfully waiting each time for their return. I only post about the last one here, though the other two were not very dissimilar.

I had a nervous breakdown when I split up with the last one and I could barely function for months. We lived together at the time. I worked, he lived in my house and didn't.

I adore him, or who I imagined him to be anyway, but being a psychopath with what I now know to be typical behaviour, it got to the point that one way or another he was increasingly likely to literally cause my death, possibly by moving up from emotional abuse to physical violence, or by infecting me with AIDS as he wouldn't wear a condom and I am sure he was not faithful in these periods that he disappeared, or by driving me to suicide in despair, pain and confusion.

The only way I can say it was of any "value" to me was that after him I researched alcoholism and psychopathy, looking for answers, and I certainly found them! It was only then that I could see how all three used the same patterns, while other boyfriends I had between these three relationships did not.

Unfortunately I now find I have become commitment phobic and cannot maintain a long term relationship even with decent men, as I can no longer trust them, or my judgement and am unfairly defensive with them, together with my self esteem having been crushed to the point that I cannot see why they would want to be with me anyway.

I now just have friends, not boyfriends, and stick to celibacy as preferable to risking dating.

It is incredible how long lasting the damage these people cause can be.

As for replacing, again with hindsight (or less denial?)I am sure he had other relationships running in parallel with the one with me.

He is now married, to someone very similar to how I was at her age; own house, similar appearance, self-employed.

I wonder if she has any idea what she has taken on? Part of me cannot see how he could be as he was and sustain, or even start, a marriage while another part of me knows he could not change, but maybe in the intervening years he has learned to play a cleverer game?
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/16/12 05:05 PM

Smokey, same story by me - the new victim is so similar to how I used to be.
They look for victims, remember that. Anyone who is gonna be with them has to give in, completely. I never did, so I was constantly fought against and scared and manipulated...

In some weird way I hope he stays with his new victim for as long as possible so that he doesnt hurt others.
The new victim is what you would call a servant. I am so glad I didnt end up like this, and I was almost there, so I had, just like you a nervous breakdown and a major depression that lasted for months.

And now I have a similar problem - scared of commitment, scared of guys. I met someone really special (well, we've been friends for a while now) and although I have not seen a sign of anything suspicious in him and I like him more and more, and he turned out to be just the perfect man (he cares for me like no one ever has!) - I still live almost sure that soon he will show some psychopathic traits. Its like one big paranoia, but I guess its just gonna be this way. Thats why I am not forcing anything.
One day I am ready to trust him and tell him how I feel and be with him, only to want to run away the next day. Its so confusing:(

But I keep telling myself that its OK, cause its gotta be this way. If Im cautious, Im safe. I DONT have to do anything. I CAN.
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/30/12 01:41 PM

I've found It's so very hard to move on and away from these relationshits. One because of that strong hunger to be loved and cared for. And two because of all of the pain that one has to face from within. That one needs to deal with to be able to have a healthy good relationship. I started to do some work on self esteem. On visualizing what I want in regards to love. Try to tell myself that I'm worth it. It brings out so much ungodly pain. I don't know what is making it so hard for me to believe?

On the positive side. I have went on a dating site just to see where I'm at. I know I won't find love if I don't ever meet anyone. But I'm really no where ready to date yet. So i'm just feeling it out. There was this "great guy" a marketing manager for a big law firm. Same religion. Two kids he had custody of who are now in college. All this i gathered from his profile and chatting briefly. But then I noticed he was very pushy in wanting to date me. Even after I told him I was not comfortable. And he has a black belt and wants to jump out of planes and seems like and adrenalin junky to me. He didn't want to chat much online. He wanted to talk to me before he told me much of anything. He wanted to get with me first. It's like I could feel him see how far he could push me. The thing with his children i definately felt was a power trip over his ex wife. He lost them in the divorce and took custody a year later. Well really I don't know anything for sure. But my gut was telling me. Ok this is a perfect looking psychopath. And so I canceled our date. I ignored him at first stopped messaging him and he kept calling me like nothing was wrong. Huge red flag for me. there was alot of things really. As perfect as he may have appeared on the outside. I'm trusting my instincts. I wasn't going to give him the chance in my vulnerable state. To talk me out of trusting it. When i am face to face with people. I get sucked in so much easier. I'm hoping if i meet someone good, that I will be able to feel that as well. But i know I will be stuck with this horrible paranoia. Looking back on my past relationships with them. where I was unable to see it and now I am able. I still see how they were all very different. They all played a different angle. Boy are they ever patient too. Until they have you. So I still can't say I couldn't be tricked by one of these buggers.

I will just have to continue working on myself And my boundries. In hopes to regain my trust in society in general and in myself.
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/30/12 01:55 PM

And you know smokey. i was reading your post as i related to it very much. It's just mind boggling How they can make us adore them so much. And then at try to destroy our emotional and even our physical health. It's not love. But dang they are good liars to make us believe that it must be. We deserve so much better than that treatment. If I ever do risk dating again? I will make sure not to allow this sort of abuse again. Thanks for posting your story. It's very helpful!
Posted by: Stephanie

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 07/30/12 02:00 PM

And thanks to you too free bird. It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. And your story gives me hope. Let us know how things turn out with this new dude of yours. We all must have faith to be able to trust again someday. I don't believe that one can have true love without trust. Hopefully someday we will all feel at peace smile
Posted by: Emotophobia

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 08/17/12 12:04 AM

Can I post about my relationship with psychopath here, in this topic? I do really need differentiation, I need to be sure, I have been in a relationship with psychopath for three years.
Posted by: AIAV

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 08/24/12 09:33 AM

Here is my story that I wrote in my blog...I opened a new discussion about it as well...
Do you think he is one of them?

"Was I crazy to believe?! I think so...
I am thinking it wrong to write this all this going to make him upset?! Why do I still care?!
But there are so many things I was hiding from others, so many things people didnt see what I had to go through, now it feels so good to finally let the world know all about it. it feels great to clear my head from all the filth that me and my little one had to go through. I was the one embarrased about it... when I had never done anything wrong...

So many things I have gone through in the past years...and now it seems to have come to an end.
This struggle could have been cut a lot shorter, but I was led to believe things are going to get better and instead of moving on I kept on hoping and believing. Because I do still believe in the fairy tale that it is possible to love one person and be happy with that one forever.

I met this man while i was an Au-pair in the UK (I am originally from Hungary)...He was nice, but I didnt fancy him at first. We got on really well, I liked talking to him but to be honest I fancied his friends more than him. Then one night we were out in a party, and somehow that night something changed in me...and I fell for him. We kissed all night long and what came after that was the happiest time of my life.
Before that time I never felt like I could or would like to settle with anyone, but with him it was different.
He asked my dad first if he could marry me, then only after 4 months of dating he proposed to me and I gladly said yes.
We went to places together, he left the UK first time with me. Trip to Italy, to Spain, to the Dominican Republic...
To cut the story short, everything seemed all right and we decided to have a baby together.
After our gorgeous holiday in the Dominican Republic just as we were moving out of our flat I took a pregnancy test and found out i was expecting.
Things went well...we got a mortgage and got our brand new built house, my belly was growing and Maya was born and we settled in our new home as a family in the UK.
He wasnt happy with his job, and found this job which would have involved so much travel until they complete a project. I agreed for him to take the job, as I trusted him and I saw the opportunity for him, for us to live a better life.

His first trip was to China.

This is where the story actually started.
He found this girl (a prostitute may I add - and I do know this because I read through their conversation in the firefox history because it stored every line they translated with google), who couldnt even speak his language, they used google translator to communicate.
He was cheating on me with her for at least 6 months and he got her pregnant.
What happened to the baby I still dont know, I only know Ian wanted to settle in China and I am certain he also proposed to her as well as I found a wedding band in his pocket. But it didnt work out, he left China and obviously had to move on.

His next stop: Indonesia
Yes, he managed to find a woman (or possibly more) there too. I actually believe he had slept with more women there.
I did figure this out because he wasnt careful, I knew his passwords for his email account and because of the lack of trust after his trips to China I just wanted to make sure he learnt from it all and wouldnt do it again, and yes I did look into his emails. And it felt good to know about it all.

I found other things in his inbox too (in connection with other women), but It would be too much to write down all. Everything just didnt seem right, it didnt seem like the man I fell in love with, the one who loved me so much to propose to me, to have a house with me, to have a baby with me.
When you look at him, when you are with him you would never think of the things he is capable of doing.

3rd biggest trip: US.
Things started off well, we spent a whole month with him there and had a great time, like a proper family.
We were happy. We went to family barbecues, made good friends, just the way things should be. Things were normal.
Then his sister was getting married so we came home then travelled to the UK for the wedding.

Then we went back to Hungary and he came to visit us here for 3 weeks over Christmas time.
He then left but we were planning our future...he even chose a name for our next child which we would have liked to be a boy.
Not long after that, when i was on paypal i saw a payment to he denied and quickly cancelled the subscription and got the money refunded.

But instead of this website he found another, and registered on there...and found a girl.
He had 2 facebook accounts, one for show to me, that he never used...and one for his new life...he actually set it so when people search for it, it doesnt come up.

I now know this, but while I didnt, his next trip to Austria was planned, and i was happy, he will be closer and maybe it would give us more opportunity to be together and he wont ever feel the need to be with anyone else.
So he came and picked us up...and the day after we arrived to Austria (dont ask how) i accidentaly found pictures of this US woman posing and a loving postcard from her, plus a guide to Paris book...the 10 best things to see in Paris or something like that.
I then got mad, messaged him to take us home straight away.
He said yes he did have a girlfriend but he was going to bin those pictures. But its all over, and asked me to stay. Me stupid! We stayed! Slept in the same bed, acted like a couple...while he was already engaged to this other girl. This was only weeks ago actually.

Only a couple of days ago did I only find out about this girl and his engagement, and he did only just tell me then that our time is over and that we should both move on.
I did my research, and I thank GOOGLE for letting me see what was hidden from me all the time, THE TRUTH!

I swear, this whole story with all the little details could probably be written in a book, because there are so many little details...and so many bad things he said, he did behind mine and his own daughters back.

One positive side of it: he always let me use his money, he always supported us and never let us But we all know, money doesnt make anyone happy frown
But at least he has the decency of not denying his child completely. I do believe he still loves her a little bit and still wants the best for her.

I think about it a lot, wake up during the night many times to think how did all this happen.
Me and my little girl never did anything wrong, we waited for him, would have forgotten and moved on from this whole nightmare. It is so very hard to see the man he became...or he always was?! I dont know...
All I know is:
He had an engagement before mine, then he asked me, then I found a wedding band after he was in China, and now this woman. I ask the question, is he capable of truly loving someone, or is he just a hustler always looking for excitement, and once he gets bored he moves on and finds something else.

Im sure many of you would say, they would have left him long ago...and I now wish I had listened to others.
My little daughter wouldnt even know now he exists...

It is very hard to move on and see and accept this person who he is...the person who will neglect his child just like this. Because the man i fell in love with...I do still love him!
I know I need to let go now...because that kind and caring person who he once was ( or what he pretended himself to be) is long gone.

Answering my own question, yes I was crazy to believe, yes I was crazy to wait. Yes I was crazy to give him chance after chance. But these are just the things I would do to save my family.

A couple of weeks back in Austria, our little daughter gave me and her dad a hug, she had so much strength in that hug, felt like she was trying to physically hold us together, felt like she wants to show us thats how we should be, thats how things should be. I will never forget that one hug, it had more feeling in it than anything else. That little girl has more feelings and common sense than her own dad.
I feel so much pain now..."
Posted by: Jacinta

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 01/21/13 01:47 PM

Originally Posted By: FreeBird

Oh, and as for love and peace and letting go and wanting all the best and healing and love for psychopaths (not just mine, all of them) - I hope they die. I hope they die a long, painful, ugly death. I wish them all the worst. I don't feel a tiniest bit of that compassion. I wouldn't enjoy it, but if I saw a psychopath dying in the street I would never help them. Recently I had a dream about my psychopath being dead, and I know I would be very happy if he was (I felt such a release in the dream). I don't care, this is how I fell, I wish they all died.

I feel the same.

I was brought up in a Christian household where forgiveness was always best but now, after my ongoing experience with a psychopath, I can totally agree and I realize that this is because they are not human because I would never wish harm on another proper human being.
Posted by: Smokey

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 01/21/13 06:21 PM

I would wish Karma on them, for them to suffer as they had made others suffer.
Harsh but true.
Posted by: breakingfree

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 01/30/13 01:22 AM

What I can tell you is that these people (Ns, Psychopaths, and the like), while toxic as hell, are also incredibly charismatic. Naturally, you’re drawn to them; a LOT of people are drawn to them. Have you ever watched nature shows? Predators have many artifices designed to capture their prey, and sometimes the ruse is simply their charm. Make no mistake; Psychopaths are very effective predators in beautiful disguises that are designed to lure you into their traps.

Like you, I want to tell him how horrible he is; I desperately want him to understand, and I know exactly where you are coming from here. It is perhaps, however, easier for me to look at you to see the truth in me, than it is to look at myself to see my own truth. That is to say, when I read how badly you want to confront him, I hear my own voice saying the same words. However, I can also see it from a more clear perspective—from the outside—as if I’m watching it in a horror movie, and I am screaming at the screen, “Don’t go back in the house! Run like hell! No! No! Not up the stairs you moron (they always run up the stairs); you’ll be trapped. Run out the freaking door!!!”

It is a compelling notion to make him see the truth, but it will never happen. Just like knowing that our relationship was built on a foundation of lies, so will be his ultimate clarity of self. It just isn’t possible for him to see that truth, no matter how badly I (or you, or any of us) want it. I know that even when my Psychopath says he is sorry, when he sounds so incredibly remorseful, and my heart simply bursts for all the love I feel, it is just a ploy he uses to keep me inside the house. If he would admit his guilt, his fault, his deficiency, the admission would also be a lie, and if I buy into that notion, I will still be in the house, running up the freaking stairs.

I cannot say for certain, because, thankfully, I am not in your Psychopath’s head, but I suspect your Psychopath knows that his actions tie you to him by making you want to confront him. It is probably a thrill for him to watch you struggle with it, succumb to the obsession, then to slap you down again with his abuse. I suspect that is part of his game. I hope you can be strong, and if you can’t do it on your own, that you can find strength in others who have been through this and are willing to share their experiences and insight here. That is my plan. Every time I feel like I can’t resist the urge to contact him, I am going to come here to read, to share, to remind myself of the hell, and to gather the strength to run down the stairs and out the freaking door!

WHY IS IT THAT WE KEEP RUNNING UP THE "FREAKING" STAIRS? It IS impossible for them to SEE the Truth or to speak truth. It is all a web of lies. You are so right. The beautiful disguises are designed to lure me into his trap. I am so disappointed in myself.

I read your posts and I can so identify. "Psychopath knows his actions tie you to him by making you want to confront him"....We keep forgetting that we could talk til we are blue in the face and they would not "get it." I think my mind is blown by this whole thing. I just wrote a letter to him and I am kicking myself. I wished I had found this website last night or even this morning before I mailed it this afternoon.
Posted by: breakingfree

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 01/30/13 01:29 AM

Originally Posted By: Stephanie
I third that! I can say I truly loved like I'd never dared to do before. But what or who did i love? How could i really love someone who in reality everything I detest? He knew I'd rather be dead than be with someone like him are so right. He played the part of a person who was everything he knew I would be attracted to...but he, in reality, was the total opposite.

I am afraid that I will not be free til I know he is dead. I would be so thrilled if I was told he had died.
Posted by: breakingfree

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 01/30/13 01:33 AM

My Psychopath quoted Scripture and portrayed to be a Godly man. He would be on the computer on a Christian forum telling men how to treat their wives and all the while underneath that screen was a porn site. And there I sat with a black eye!!!

He used God's Word and forgiveness just like he uses everyone else, all for his own manipulative scheme.
Posted by: SeekingSanity

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 01/30/13 09:00 AM

I am so sorry to hear about the situation you are facing and I am not sure I can say anything that will truly be helpful, but I hope that I can. (this turned out longer than I thought it would be)

You are on the path to recovery. The first step is to recognize what you are dealing with and realize that you have been conditioned to doubt the reality that you know.

His turning the tables on you and making you feel like you were the one who caused the issue, certainly would make you have doubt that your reactions are reasonable. I applaud you for reaching out because I think it is easier to see a pattern when you are looking at it from the outside.

Here is something that really helped me when I decided to walk away: It does not matter if some of your reactions are off (i.e. he is telling the truth and you think it is a lie because he has told so many others lies), what matters is that the toxic situation ends.

Here is what I figured out: set your boundaries and have consequences for breaching them. DO NOT lower your boundaries or waiver on your consequences.

Like you said, there will always be situations to deal with. The question is, how will you deal with them in the future, so your life does not end up being a repeat of this same thing over and over with slight variations.

There are some things that should be unacceptable to you and the consequence should be complete change by the other person or severing the relationship.

By complete change, I mean the person who violated you puts forth the effort to reestablish your trust by acting differently for long enough for YOU to say ok, I am willing to allow you back into my life. YOU are the person that says when YOU feel comfortable. If they can't make you comfortable, why have a relationship where you feel uncomfortable?

The reason that many people accept relationships that make them feel badly, is they think that there is nothing better. THAT IS A LIE (Think about the relationships you have that you enjoy). Sometimes it is the very person causing the conflict saying things to make you feel like you can't do better or worse trying to make sure that you don't end up in a better situation by manipulation(that is a real psychopath and if you are in a situation like that, you should be most happy to get out because they are confirming to you that THEY KNOW you can do better.)

Statements like, I am a good man, this is a good job, lots of women will want me, you'll be back... You should say to yourself, woe, then you should have no problem with the fact that I am moving on. Please help yourself to one of the people that wants you and leave me alone PSYCHOPATH (don't say that out loud--LOL!!!)

When you establish firm boundaries and the other person sees where they are, you are helping yourself and them at the same time.

Good relationships have good characteristics (trust, respect, affirmation, joy, mutual enjoyment, respect of boundaries, etc.) and re-establishing a breached boundary is one of them. You know a psychopath, by what they do when they offend you and you tell them. If they do not seek to restore the relationship with good behavior, instead they do something manipulative - you got a psychopath --RUN FORREST!

Read the book, THE RULES: Time Tested Methods For Winning The Heart Of Mr. Right. I am not suggesting that your read it to find Mr. Right. It is a book about setting your standards early and learning how to think differently --AS A MAN THINKETH, SO IS HE!- I gave a copy to one of my friends. I am going to go and buy another for me as a refresher, now that I think about it.

Thank you for sharing. It really helped me to read your story and reply. I hope that something I have said, has helped you.
Posted by: breakingfree

Re: My Story -Special Edition - 02/09/13 06:40 PM

Thank you!