My story and advice request.

Posted by: Triumph

My story and advice request. - 11/04/17 06:50 PM

Many thanks for accepting me to this forum - I'm shocked at the levels to which psychopaths will stoop and there are so many stories here that resonate with me and the situation I find myself in. However, every situation is unique and if I could tell my story and then ask for some advice I'd be very grateful.

I am engaged to a wonderful woman who I have known since I was a teenager ( we are both in our mid 50's now) - in fact she was my first ever date (albeit brief) and I am lucky to still have a large group of friends that I have known since I was first at school. We have grown up, gone to university, married, had kids, divorced etc and still remain in regular contact.

I divorced 6 years ago (I work away, offshore, and found that my wife had been having an affair with one of my brothers for 3 years - not a subject I want to bring up here but it does have some relevance in that if I can forgive them and move on from that (after much counselling) should I expect my fiancee to be capable of the same.

She divorced 8 years ago and we got together 3 years ago. The problem we have is that her ex husband is a psychopath and is still trying to hurt her even though he is 2 years into the second relationship he has had after walking out of the family home. He has always been into sport and sport management, as well as having a regular job in the emergency services. When my ex and I knew them as a couple (our group of friends used to have parties and holidays together) I always saw he was detached and not really interested in being part of the group - I always put that down to him being a driven and competitive character but how wrong I was.

During the latter years of their relationship he displayed all the classic traits of a psychopath: selfish, charming and narcissistic (he is known as the smiling assassin), no guilt or remorse and he stole thousands of pounds off her and her father, saying he was paying top price for building renovation work and then getting his dodgy mates to do the work and pocket the difference. My fiancee was too busy bringing up 3 small kids to notice, especially as he would often have 5 or 6 foreign holidays a year with his sport management.

When when my fiancee divorced him he insisted that it be put down to irreconcilable differences as he did not want the grounds of mental cruelty cited in the proceedings. He moved into the house next door with his new girlfriend (who he just happened to meet the week before the arguments were escalated by him and he walked out) and each night he would walk past the kitchen window hand in hand with her. My fiancee lives in a farmhouse and the house he moved into was the holiday cottage 10 yards away on the farm they owned. On the other side was a third house that my fiancee's father lives in. At night (usually 1am or later) her ex would walk around her house tapping on windows and checking the doors - he eventually broke in and stole her jewellery and other personal items that he had no claim on. When she went to the holiday cottage to confront him he'd left the door unlocked (he is definitely not as clever as he thinks he is) and the jewellery was not there, but he had left a folder in which he'd written notes about all her friends and what he could say to them to discredit her and convince them she was unstable. She took a copy, although to this day she has not shown it to me.

Not long after they split he actually stole birthday money sent to his eldest daughter on her 18th birthday. I know because I sent it in a plain envelope, recorded delivery, so I know it arrived but he had asked the post office to redirect all her mail to his house as she lived with him for the first couple of years. He put her on the pill without consulting her mother and even let her and her friends (all minors) smoke dope unsupervised at his house whilst he was away. When he was challenged about this he just laughed in my fiancee's face - as he did many times when nobody was there to witness his behaviour

In court he lied on oath and even tried to suggest that the very large sum of money that her father had invested in the property (so they could renovate the old farm buildings, on condition he had somewhere to live for the rest of his life) was a personal gift to him. He wanted her (and her father and three girls) to move into a council house and he would have the farm and all the land for himself and his sports business. Thankfully that didn't happen and she eventually sold some of the land and one of the houses to pay him off and get him off her back.

The first relationship he had after leaving my fiancee lasted 6 years and, although we don't know the truth we suspect she caught him with his fingers in the till - they were doing the same - renovating an old farmhouse and putting a holiday cottage on the land. His latest partner, of 2 years just happened to work at the same emergency service office he moved to 6 months before leaving his last partner. It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to work that out, and my fiancee is convinced he was unfaithful on a number of his trips away. Before we met up 3 years ago my fiancee was so down she made an attempt at suicide - thankfully it was unsuccessful and we are now stronger than ever together - I had contemplated the same at my lowest ebb and had thought of simply walking off the side of the rig I was on in the middle of the night and into the Atlantic ocean. The response to the suicide attempt by the psychopath was to tell his kids their mother was an alcoholic loner with no friends - definitely not true on either account.

Now he is trying to poison the minds of his 3 kids against my fiancee. One of them refused to see him for 2 years because he'd once taken offence to something she said and he grabbed her by the throat and pinned her to the wall on her tiptoes, but he has spread his lies and even now she thinks he is a wonderful father, but just hard done to by all the women in his life. There are numerous stories to tell and not enough space here but suffice to say he is a deceitful, selfish scumbag who has no qualms whatsoever about using his children to get back at his ex wife. She is the only person who has stood up to him and denied him getting what he wanted, his mother is afraid of him (as are his kids) and has never defied him or denied him anything and his father is just as selfish and a serial adulterer.

I have no reservations about marrying my fiancee - she is a caring and wonderful human being (not to mention being incredibly strong mentally now) and we love each other very much. She has finally got someone to support her against the tide of nastiness her ex is hell bent on delivering. I am however concerned that marrying her might fuel his anger towards her and increase the poison he is feeding to his children. I doubt he'd start on me because he knows I don't suffer fools gladly and although I wouldn't resort to physical violence there is one option I have - he is a tax cheat and I have the option to contact the confidential fraud line and have them investigate him. Image to a psychopath is everything and to be publicly caught out would be the most hurtful thing. I know the best advice is to run away but this is not a situation where running is an option. I don;t want to inflame the situation but I don't want to see him get away with hurting my fiancee any more and lose her kids to a manipulative and nasty little turd.

Any suggestions or similar experience would be gratefully received
Posted by: Draculas Daughter

Re: My story and advice request. - 11/05/17 05:52 AM

I am in a very similar situation, but I'm the one who was married to the psychopath and have kids with him. I was divorced 7 years ago and for 3 years ago I reconnected with an old flame I knew when I was a teenager. No contact with Psychopath is not an option because I have kids with him, and we live close to each other. Maybe not as close as you, but close enough.
Also I'm a child of a psychopath father, so I've been living with these vampires my whole life.

I will not say what you should do or not do, but I can say what I've done. Regarding my ex I haven't been fighting back, I actually just try to live my life as I don't care about him. Yes he's using the kids to hurt me, and it's awful, but when talking to my kids I just say sentences like "Oh, that wasn't nice to do" "I don't believe that's right/okay to say/do" and "What do you think?" (The last one is to make the kids think for themselves.). I try not to enter the competition the Psychopath is setting up. Also I keep my own path very clean, I always keep my promises to my kids (the Psychopath usually don't do that), and I use a lot of time listening to my kids and show interest in their interests (the Psychopath doesn't do that, he only use the kids as trophies, they have to engage in their fathers interests to make him proud).
So what I really do is just to show and live the alternative the kids have, and hope they will chose the good way of life instead of the lying, hateful, deceiving kind of life their father shows them.

Also I would not be stopped in living my life because of Psychopath, so if I want to marry my new boyfriend I will do that without considering what Psychopath will do. A psychopath will never stop bugging you, no matter what you do, and the greatest revenge is to not let the Psychopath bother you, like no matter what Psychopath does you will not show him any emotions, only that you don't care (even if it's not true). Psychopaths love to ruin your life, and he will succeed if you consider the Psychopath in everything you do. "Your pain is his pleasure" remember that.

I know this is not easy, it's like balancing your whole life on an edge, but it can be done and will help the children, and yourself.
Posted by: Triumph

Re: My story and advice request. - 11/06/17 01:19 PM

Dracula's Daughter - thanks so much for the kind words, and every wise words at that. I can understand what you're going through and know you must have huge reserves of strength to accomplish all that you have. My fiancee used to hide away when Psychopath came to collect his kids but has now learnt to stand up to him - not in a confrontational way, she simply goes outside to say hello with a smile on her face and then waves off her daughter - he really has no answer to that. I am also very open and friendly with him and will never give him any excuse to say that his ex has a new partner that does not have his kids best interest at heart. I have honestly done more for them than he has over the past couple of years, and I have two children of my own - as a father that is shameful on his part but he has shown time and again he has no conscience and is not interested in anyone other than himself.

He's only really taken more of an interest in his kids since I came on the scene and would have them for 1 or 2 days a month before and not the 2 days a week he was meant to. With support my fiancee has done what you are doing and getting on with a very successful, and now very happy, life that he has no control over - I'm immensely proud of all she has achieved and the positive way she's learning to ignore his games. I know he'll never leave her alone but we rarely reveal any plans we have until he cannot mess them up and we always have a plan B to cover his games - our first year together we only got one weekend away on our own because he was constantly trying to use his kids and stand between us but with my offshore schedule we always have options - and I'll bet he hates that.

He used to take great pleasure in changing the day he'd have his kids at the last minute and knew my fiancee would always drop any plans of her own to look after her kids. She always keeps her promises to her kids, has never slagged him off in front of them and, like you, she remains positive and upbeat in front of them. A neutral approach is often best - letting them make their own minds up between the positive way we treat them and our actions of support and his many broken promises, lies and excuses.

Her eldest is 23 and living with her boyfriend nearby - she's started to repair the relationship with her mother after living with the psychopath up until 3 years ago and I can tell she questions the lies and poison that her dad obviously says about my fiancee. Her middle daughter is 19 and it's only since she went to college a year ago she's become really nasty towards her mum, although to be fair she's always been known for having the most spectacular tantrums. Some of her texts and messages are so obviously scripted by her psychopath father and he is using her like a puppet which is really heartbreaking to see - these are the years of her childhood he is destroying with his hatred and bitterness. The youngest daughter is 15 and can see that her mum is a really caring person that always puts her kids first - she is the cool and silent type and doesn't miss anything and she knows that her dad is lying to her. She much prefers to live with her mum and is happy and relaxed at home.

Psychopath has moved (2 years ago) about 20 mins away by car - he even had the gall to say it was so he could spend more time with his kids but it was so he could move in with his new partner and her kids - her parents are quite rich and it's obvious that he has his eye on the prize!!

All in all Dracula's Daughter you are right on every issue - we must remain positive and not let him impact our lives, and when he does we brush it off and dismiss it, and even if it hurts inside we'll never let it show.


Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: My story and advice request. - 11/08/17 09:53 AM

Hello Triumph, welcome to our community. It is so consistent with how psychos operate. They may have a 100 or more affairs and seem like they don't want you but they don't want anyone else to have you. It really is about control. They HAVE to have control. Not showing them your emotions is a great way to go but don't think they are giving up if things calm down for awhile.

When there are children involved it only complicates things. The kids can become their pawns. Dracula's Daughter is right on in keeping the kids out of the conflict zone. They may be controlled for a while but hold the faith that someday they will see for themselves who is the real parent and hopefully come to see their father as nothing more than a sperm donor.

I am really glad to see that you and Dracula's Daughter can share and support each other. These are unusual situations that I am sure it is hard to find support because people will only see what they want to see.

Posted by: Triumph

Re: My story and advice request. - 11/08/17 10:54 AM

Di - many thanks for your kind words and for accepting me into this really helpful forum. I have certainly had my eyes opened - and I thought I knew a little about human nature, having worked offshore on oil rigs for 35 years! I have met some nasty and aggressive people offshore but it is the devious, cold and calculating nature of my fiancee's ex that really surprises me. I have to keep reminding myself that he has no conscience and will never regret his actions, no matter how low he sinks - as father and a man myself I am ashamed both of him and for him.

As you rightly predicted a lull in the onslaught does not mean he has given up - he has well and truly poisoned the mind of his middle (19 y/o) daughter and she has taken the opportunity of me being away to say to her mum that she wants nothing to do with our wedding, and that she will not come to it. She says it's too soon (we've been together 3 years and known each other for 40 years!), that I don't care for my fiancee's children (when I have done more for them over the past 3 years than their father has), and that he built the house my fiancee lives in by himself - which he didn't, he had his dodgy friends in the building trade do it and he stole tens of thousands of pounds off my fiancee and her dad in the process. All this bitterness has come directly from her psycho father and he is the puppet master, destroying his children's youth with his petty quest for vengeance.

The irony is, that after slagging us off, daughter #2 now wants a lift back to college - daddy is on holiday in the Caribbean with his new flame. I have not given up on the hope that all three girls will eventually come round to see that it is my fiancee that is the one parent that has always put her children first, but sometimes it's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Having support and advice from yourself, Draculas Daughter, and all the other victims on here that give advice and support just by sharing their experience is a huge help. Once you can begin to understand how a psycho' thinks you can begin to expect the unexpected so to speak.

I am slowly beginning to fathom out how his warped mind works - as a couple we have lost a few good friends as he has got to them first and he makes a very believable liar. He could charm the birds from the trees, but he has left a trail of broken promises, failed relationships and friends turned into enemies in his wake and, even though he will care nothing for those mistakes, his children will hopefully pick up on them and it will ultimately be his undoing.

Our approach remains the same - we care for, support and love each other, whatever he tries and however low he sinks. We never show him emotion or express any negative views or opinions in front of the children that he will get feedback on. Thus we will starve him of the reaction, anger and disappointment that he wants us to show.


Posted by: Draculas Daughter

Re: My story and advice request. - 11/09/17 04:41 PM

Sorry I haven't replied for a while, my x has just launched an attack again, so I've used my time to balance my oldest son who was the one being hurt.
Dianne is so right, they never stop, but the attacks lessens if it's not fun (when you don't show emotions). It's a little positive plus that your Psychopath moved, even if it's just 20 min in car, it's better than to have him next door. My x lives about 10 minutes by car from here, but before we lived only 2 minutes walk from each other, something I chose in the beginning so that the children could have their mom and dad close and walk between the houses. But I found out very quickly that this was NOT a good idea, because he sabotaged my weeks with the children by calling them all the time and ask them to come to daddy.
Triumph - read about the golden child, maybe the 19 year old daughter is the golden child. It's very hard to get out of this role. You will find lots of info on the internet about psychopaths/narcissists and their golden child (the rest of the children are scapegoats). My oldest was the golden child, but have broke free from the role when he for the first time said "No" to his father. You can't say no to a Psychopath, then you loose the golden child role.
I'm glad we can support each other here and exchange experiences - I find that very much helpful :-)
Posted by: DadofRad

Re: My story and advice request. - 11/13/17 06:13 AM

Draculas Daughter, I really like your perspective. The way to get even with a psychopath, is to live a good life. Don't let him derail you, or discourage you with his actions, just go forward and keep living your life to the full. I remember one time I had to hospitalize my son, with an almost sleepness night waiting in the hospital for admitance. The next day I had scheduled an obstacles race, I remember thinking what am I doing here after that night I had, I must be crazy. But I ran it and still count it as a huge highlight that I overcame the obstacles and overcame him. My resolve is'nt always that strong and sometimes I do get discouraged and give into depression but I'm much better if I just keep moving forward.
Posted by: Draculas Daughter

Re: My story and advice request. - 11/15/17 07:13 AM

Thank you DadofRad smile
I've listened to the whole podcast series about you and your son, and I'm impressed that you've handled it so well, it must be extremely hard to deal with a psychopath when it's your own child. I've been lucky, so none of my kids became a psychopath, so I just deal with a psychopath ex husband and the aftershocks created by my psychopath father (who's passed away).
It's really crazy how a psychopath can consume our whole life, if we allow it to. And I really don't want to spend most of my life in consideration of a psychopath I'm not even married to anymore. As a child I learned very quickly to pretend I didn't care, because if I showed my feelings, my dad would sure hit me on that. If I cared about a toy, it was with guarantee that he would take it away from me. I also pretended to care for something that I really didn't care about, then the attack hit the wrong thing - oh wow, when I write this now, I see that my dad made me a warrior strategist. Well but the strategy worked.
We have to live our life too, and as you did, went to have fun in the middle of chaos - but with psychopaths it's always chaos, so the best thing to do is to care about it as less as possible, and then just deal with the attacks when they arrive.
Posted by: DadofRad

Re: My story and advice request. - 11/18/17 07:11 PM

Thank you, it has been a rough haul, but we are grateful to have him out of our home at least for the last 2 years. You are fortunate none of your children inherited this. As a parent, it's been especially hard because I feel responsible for him. Much of my attention for years was trying to figure out how to help or fix him. Of course nothing worked and nothing made sense as to why he behaved that way and why couldn't he learn or change his behaviors. When I came to terms with him being a psychopath it became clear that he could not change and the best I could do would be to protect myself and the rest of my family. This site helped me to come to terms with this. I agree, never show your feelings to a psychopath or let them know when they have pushed you to the limit. This is easier to do when he is not here and I can distance myself. He will try to push you until you break. He finds out what is dear to you and attacks it. His last foster mother, had a lot of breakable and ornate home decorations. I wondered how long he would last with that, sure enough within 2 months he was destroying her property or threatening to do so. For our home, it's obvious we care for our children more than anything, so he attacks his siblings directly and covertly. Not much we could do in that situation except to get him out.
Right now, my son is in his 5th long term residential facility. This is a locked down therapeutic group home. Even still, he tried to escape and run away last week. He's also been refusing his meds. Same old behaviors, except now he claims he wants to return home. I simply tell him, he has to prove himself in other home environments first (which he has been unable to do in other therapeutic foster homes), but I have no intention of ever letting him back in. I'm sure our family psychologist will continue to back us up on that, although the courts would prefer to get him off this case. We just have to get though another year and a half and the courts will hopefully take reunification off the goal because he will be 16. One day at a time and keep looking at the positives. I used to say to myself each day "every day he is out of our home is a good day." Now I sometimes take it for granted, although it is still very true.
Posted by: Triumph

Re: My story and advice request. - 11/26/17 12:57 AM

DadofRad & Draculas Daughter,
Many thanks for your candid and helpful replies. Sorry for the tardy response, but work has had me out of circulation for a little while.

I couldn't agree more that the only, and most effective, way to live with the behaviour of a psychopath is to be positive and look forward to your own future and enjoy life to the full. To concur, they may only be small events - like a day out walking, but every day that doesn't involve any mention of him is a bonus. You have to treat their hateful words and actions with complete ambivalence and never give them the satisfaction of thinking that anything they have done has even remotely upset or influenced your life. We have no control over what he says to poison his kids minds against their mum but I suspect that after 6 years (and two further broken relationships on his part) that they are beginning to see through his lies. Time has lessened the effectiveness of his spiteful behaviour and he will grow old, full of bitterness and resentment. On the other hand, we are both so grateful to have found each other and to have a second chance at life, and love, and that gives us strength and hope for the future to help us carry on. We are sure that he spends a far, far greater percentage of his time scheming and plotting how to try and hurt us, than we spend worrying about what he has said or done. We do not underestimate him though and know that yet another attack will surely come - but forewarned is forearmed and our defences are getting stronger.


Posted by: DadofRad

Re: My story and advice request. - 12/04/17 03:48 PM

Great attitude and perspective.
I'm realizing that I have let him dictate my moods too often. So often I get a call of his incidents or hear him trying to manipulate me or his latest therapist on the phone and it will set me off into obsessing about his behavior, overeating, getting depressed, whatever. Realizing I cannot control him and he is going to do what he always does helps me to just resolve what it is and move on. You are right, he doesn't even diverse my thoughts or concern. Last week I went on a vacation and purposely decided not to call him or even think about him. It was great. We did have a conference call on the drive up, but we just talked about it briefly and let it go, even though we knew he was using it to manipulate again.