Depression and healing

Posted by: Dianne E.

Depression and healing - 08/18/11 06:01 PM

It is clear that anyone in the range of a Psychopath is going to more than likely suffer from severe depression.

It happened to me when I had my head bashed to the cement in dealing with a Psychopath in business and lost everything. Naturally anyone would be severely depressed. Once I was put on anti depressants my world never got better, it actually has crippled me for a whopping 15 years off my life. I was never informed or educated on the powerful effects these drugs can have. My wake up call was when one of the medications caused a severe blood disorder along with visual abnormality. I have been on an 8 month search to find help. The only "help" that was offered was to switch to another "mood stabilizer" that had less severe side effects. It was a turning point in my life to search for answers and find the real me that was crushed at the hands of the Psychopath and then the fog of the drugs.

I am in no way saying that anyone else should take whatever path they choose on their path to healing, nor do I judge if your choice is to take medication to get through depression and trauma. I would like to think that if I knew what I know now and if someone had at least informed me of the serious side effects I wouldn't have tossed 15 years of my life away. This is also not medical advice. I would like to share information about what all these drugs can do, I am not a wild eye conspiracy person and have selected some Utube videos so that our community can make an informed decision. I support whatever decision you make.

This forum is open to discuss issues surrounding depression and healing for our community. I have been on about every new super drug that came along and never got off the wild ride. I have been off medication since the wake up call with a severe blood disorder and visual issues. Now I am looking down the barrel of two surgeries that will cost around 20K to fix from the effects of this one little innocent looking and sounding pill.

If you disagree, we are an open community, the main issue is that I feel strongly it is a direction we need to pay attention to because depression and involvement with a Psychopath go hand in hand. I will write more later and answer any questions. If you ever consider going off medication, DO NOT do it suddenly because things can be very dangerous.

If you think I am whacky for bringing this up, we are a community and a good healthy debate is always in order. I can assure you that I have never been or never will be a wild eyed conspiracy person. I never imagined the life threatening effects these medications could have. Not once in the 15 years or so did any Dr. advise me of the risks. There seems to be the thinking that if the side effects are less bothersome that the depression etc. that is just the trade off. I have always been a very healthy person until this. Not even the flu in all these years, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was one of the combo of medication that sent me flying to the curb. I found out which medication it was from a very prominent neuro surgeon so it isn't just my wild imagination. Even after that I was on my own to find out the answers and get treatment for the physical aftermath.

Di
Posted by: Akeso

Re: Depression and healing - 10/23/11 02:46 PM

Thanks for posting your story Dianne and bringing up about the hazards of taking drugs that unbelievably aren't even mentioned. I hope you're getting better?
Sooo, long time no write...
I am still in limbo and having a really bad sad day today. Depressed. Really depressed. I know tomorrow will be a better day (as Scarlett said) but I just feel really stressed out and alone.
My husband moved out 6 months ago and had my (really aggressive, stress-inducing) daughter today and I was home alone, feeling sad and yes, bitter. It was a lovely day. We could've been on a picnic. My daughter should be her usual merry self.
He always does what we call back-footing - haven't seen it online - but little things that knock you off-balance, or maybe one-up? I've only seen him a few minutes on either side of getting her, and I got pegged the bad person who lost it. Manipulated into it.
Anyway I've been waiting to hear from a child psych who's seen my daughter twice for her opinion on a very delicate subject. I now don't think there has been wrong-doing, at least in the last THREE MONTHS I've been waiting to get an appointment to get some kind of diagnosis for her and support for me in how to cope, just with her, let alone cope after life with a controlling passive aggressive and whatever else he is, as well as possible counselling for all of us. I am at the END of my rope, truly. I have been so patient, and meanwhile sending my daughter to visit him for a few hours each weekend because I've been advised it will only be worse for me if I try and do anything else. So I keep waiting. I hope I'm not just bitter. I guess I just need more patience and an ear, and perhaps some advice on healing. I suppose I also have to come to terms with what I want too. Reconciliation (but could I ever trust him again anyway) or just letting go and getting real. I just feel really in limbo and awful.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 10/25/11 06:28 PM

Hi, I'm new here so not sure about where to post yet.
This topic caught my eye. I don't feel depressed as such, believe it or not, but I am far from healed. I am damaged beyond belief.
Not on any meds & don't want to be, I'm not feeling the need for medication but definitely have a long ways to go to repair in my life.
I have limitations in my ability to get around & psychopath knew that, but didn't care, so right now my life is very limited as to access to others.
The longer he's been gone, well the word bitter hits home.
He is the most evil man I have ever met. Ithought I had prince charming but he turned into purity of evil. I still cannot wrap my head around it.
I realize I'm at a place that having a hard time to get past.
I've done nothing but spend time in repair damage since he left. Needed a place to vent & share some so I can continue to heal.
Thks for listening.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 10/27/11 12:42 PM

1Healing! Thank you for sharing!
Welcome to the board, hope you will gain as much from here as I did.

You are not weak, in fact, and you will realize one day, you are the one that's strong enough to tell the truth. This takes real strength.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 10/27/11 02:16 PM

NewBird, thank you. I do know I am strong inside. If not it would have totally crushed me.

I have never met a man that had the two sides that he did. noone. Most of the guys I had dated prior would be pretty much the same all the way through. They may have things I didn't care for as much at times, but I met a LOT of nice guys along the way.. never anyone with 2 distinct sides like psychopath. The other side didn't come to surface until we were married..
& he had already dismantled my life.. he continued in the destruction until about everything was unlike it had been before.. He never paid on the debt, he had made sure I was not connected to friends I had been before we met & moved us umpteen times. Then he walks laughing of course as they do.. I'm stuck dealing with all of the cleanup. It has been an absolute nightmare. I think he chooses vulnerable women (I have physical limitations) so they cannot regain their strength as before. It will take me YRS to get back to where I was before I met him. He destroyed my credit. I'm left to where I can't afford any help & my access is not easy out because he left with car. I always owned a car before we met, I was driving when he left.. right now & since he left a lot has been survival. It's disgusting.

I did love the man.. lately I am becoming more & more bitter & my heart has a lot of hate inside of it.. that is tough to deal with. I guess it's hard to comprehend how someone could do this. I guarded myself & my life from such before. & to come back from this much damage is not easy. As I say, if he could further destroy me? I think he would. What makes them tick I have no clue. Certainly he is not what he had portrayed to be to me, .. most of what he had said turned out to be lies.

I have found it helps to some degree to read about psychopath because that is about the only time that it fits, what he did, it would make sense otherwise.
I realize that in yrs to come I will regain ground again but without a doubt it has taken me to a place I never imagined someone could possibly do. & to reply again to the post from x-aga, no sorry, most people are NOT like this. You don't take a person & flip their life upside down, destroy them then walk away.. sorry no that's not normal.

NewBird, thanks again for the welcome!
Posted by: blueheron

Re: Depression and healing - 10/28/11 08:11 PM

Doctors who prescribe ANY kind of drug for psychotherapy and do not explain anything about it to the patient should be horse-whipped. General practice MDs don't seem to have a clue about them, even though they can write prescriptions for them. From what I understand, most MDs only get one three-hour class about psychotherapy drugs. The better bet is a psychiatrist. There are so many things you have to look out for when taking them, and you can't just get off them cold turkey. So that's why we have to each do our own research, our own due diligence, before we even fill the prescription. Before we put one pill in our mouth. Before the internet, I would go to the library and look things up in the Merck's Manual. Now I have rxlist.com and drugs.com to give all the info that is printed on those long strips that come in boxes of drugs.

For myself, I have had to figure out the difference between depression and grief. Pick out the difference between depression and being upset with myself that I didn't see it coming. Of course we didn't see the psychopath coming; we don't think like they do. I had to quit beating on myself for not listening to my intuition. Over the years, my intuition has been proven correct every time -- the problems come when I either misinterpret it or squash and ignore it. And I sure had to quit whipping myself for not realizing that often to the psychopath it's a big game! A desperate, deadly game, to be sure, but a game nevertheless. Soon as I had an inkling that my MIL was playing people, I was able to say to myself, "Ha, I ain't playin'." (Instead of griping about why she would do such things.) It doesn't matter why she does it, I don't like it and I'm not playing. If that means I have to stay completely away from her, then too bad. That changed it somehow, gave me some kind of power I didn't have before.

Medication doesn't fix anything, it is only supposed to lift a person far enough out of the hole to be able to effectively deal with whatever the problem is. (The exception would be those with an actual brain disorder who need the drug to even function.)

Probably more help than drugs is finding someone to talk to about it. Talking slows down those crazy, whirling thoughts long enough to put them in order and tell someone coherently. (That's why I like this forum.) If the listener is trained enough, or wise enough, they can help look at the whole thing differently. Maybe they can even teach some new skills for staying out from under the psychopath's thumb or getting out of the game with as little damage as possible.

Forgive me for rambling here. Another big factor is forgiving ourselves for falling for the psychopath's games. That is major. I won't go so far as to say we need to forgive the psychopath, not now anyway. Maybe we can down the road somewhere. Forgiving them doesn't let them off the hook or make what they did all right. It gets US off the hook, saves us from destruction. I think it was Nelson Mandela who said that holding on to resentment was like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

There are several good online sources for determining if you are depressed or in grief. Depression has several distinct symptoms, and if you don't have them, then perhaps something else is going on. Grief, in my opinion, is much more painful than depression (been there, done that on both), and you can't really treat grief, other than to be kind to yourself and give it some time to soften.

So much more I could say. I wish tender hugs and kindness for every one who's been a victim of a psychopath.

blue heron
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 10/29/11 02:53 AM

1Healing, you don't even need to say anything more, Psychopaths are so predictable. That's one good thing about it all - once you learn how they are it is easy to predict what they would do. This way you can protect yourself.

The mix of feelings is unbearable, we all know how you feel right now. Love doesn't just magically go away, the fact that it was all a bunch of lies, and the person wasn't real doesn't make our feelings less real. We truly did love them. There is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of here. You have a heart, you did what most people in your place would do.
Then there's grief, and hatred. And go hand in hand. There's this person who you love and hate the most at the same time. It's really crazy, but it is so.

Talking about it can help you start looking at this from distance. You have to, or you'll just go nuts.
We are all here for you!
Posted by: skybluepaint

Re: Depression and healing - 10/29/11 04:14 PM

Blueheron,

Excellent points:

1. We have to distinguish between depression and grief.
2. Medication doesn't fix the problem. It just lifts you out of the hole in order to be able to deal with it.
3. We have to forgive the psychopath, for US!

In my journey, I accepted that it was grief I was suffering from. I even read a good article that said that we, as an American society, are too quick to medicate and that sometimes ruminating about a problem, grieving the loss, is actually a good thing. We need to ruminate, to figure it out, so that we can move on. So, I gave myself permission to do so. The problem with having had a relationship is that we may never figure it out, because they don't obey the laws of civilized society. They obey the laws of the jungle. And I am getting to the point where I have to accept, psychopath or not, that people change, life moves on, and we can't always trust people. Sad, but true. It is hard to let go. It'll always be a loss that I grieve, but I only grieve the person who I thought I knew, not the one I realize she was. It is the real unmasked psychopath that I have to forgive. I saw the Dalai Lama speak a year ago and I had this question for him, "We can have compassion for the sick, hungry, etc., but how do we have compassion for those who have hurt us?" At the time, I was still seeking to understand the psychopath. The line was too long to ask questions, so I never got to ask the Dalai Lama, but I asked my friends who all said the same thing, FORGIVENESS. You have to forgive to set yourself free and that is still a struggle. I have sensed that my grief moved into depression in the last couple of weeks. Loss of apetite, sleep, disinterest in life, and having a hard time thinking/concentrating, feeling generally mentally slow. I have thought about medication to get me through the day, but haven't even yet thought about what I might take or been to see anyone about it. I took Prozac for a brief period once and hated it, the mental and physical numbing effect. One alternative doctor said that a placebo works just as well, like maybe I need to believe that there is something helping me and I will be helped. This might not be the case for everyone, but for some it is. Anyway, for now I am just doing it on my own, with counseling, and am sticking to that, as well as to the support of the forum. People like you are just as helpful, providing us reminders of what we need to hear.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 10/29/11 05:43 PM

I dont know if I can write this here... but have you considered MJ? For me it was really helpful. I dont wanna sound like a junkie:)
At some point I started drinking regularly, first of course at parties, but then it started to turn into alcoholism... I realized that I really needed a buzz to feel relaxed. I would get home after work and drink a few shots. So I turned to MJ instead, but only smoked on occasion. After a while I realized it wasn't as much the smoking itself, as it was the comfort of having this drug, just incase. It helped me a lot.

I normally don't drink, never took drugs. I just don't need to. I am happy enough and love parties, and don't need to drink to have fun, actually I don't like it coz it just makes you number and you can't really enjoy the moment.

But with this - there were days when I knew I would not be able to make it through. And smoking just a little takes your mind off of it all. And no side effects (if you smoke very little) like with alcohol or prescription drugs.

I don't need it anymore, but at that time even when I managed to function normally for some time, I knew that the brake-down would come again soon, and that terrified me, and made all the effort seem worthless... Just the comfort of knowing I have sth that will make me "numb" if I cant take it anymore was enough. I stopped drinking, and eventually put out smoke too (and cigarettes that I started to smoke after the horror).
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 10/30/11 12:24 PM

Thanks for the reply. I have a feeling that ex h Psychopath is tracking me at different sites, thinking he has an idea where I post & maybe googling.. Anyways, so I feel I still have to watch my footsteps & yet vulnerale to his prey.

He left so much on my plate when he left & he kept leaving, moving us about that the destruction is overwhelming. For him it was always just packing & leaving or sending me away.
I had a home & stable before we met. Since I am vulnerable (limited physically) for me to start my life over is not easy.

The paperwork the last 2 yrs was almost non stop. First divorce, then trying to sell property of which I could hardly get rid of, then bankruptcy. It's taken countless hours & energy, paperwork, trips to court etc.

He just walked out of my life & washed his hands of all of it. I think he's probably signed maybe 4 or 5 pieces of paper would be the extent of what he did post his leaving. The court ordered him to pay 1/2 the debt & he didn't. I saw a tiny bit, what amounted to 2 months of my monthly payment amt.

The first year I was very busy with all of the nightmare but as this part of things is winding down I'm having to deal with the psychological piece of things moreso.

I had a feeling that if this man up & turned the tables it would be a very difficult scenerio to get atop & it is. I was merely a speck in his way for him to flick aside.

He claimed many spiritual gifts, & is a classic malignant narcissist/ psychopath, that he uses these ploys to enter women's lives & quickly with many promises that he has no intention of keeping.

He has many ex's, affairs, what he did to me is despicable.


Originally Posted By: NewBird
1Healing, you don't even need to say anything more, Psychopaths are so predictable. That's one good thing about it all - once you learn how they are it is easy to predict what they would do. This way you can protect yourself.

The mix of feelings is unbearable, we all know how you feel right now. Love doesn't just magically go away, the fact that it was all a bunch of lies, and the person wasn't real doesn't make our feelings less real. We truly did love them. There is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of here. You have a heart, you did what most people in your place would do.
Then there's grief, and hatred. And go hand in hand. There's this person who you love and hate the most at the same time. It's really crazy, but it is so.

Talking about it can help you start looking at this from distance. You have to, or you'll just go nuts.
We are all here for you!
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 10/30/11 12:53 PM

Also, maybe if I can share this part with you all as I think you can relate to this.
When he first left I still had the good memories, as there were many because I was happy with him, it was he that was continually leaving/coming & going & seemingly at drop of hat be angry & leave. I guess it's like a void, because the longer he is gone the more I think about how horrible this all is. It's like all of the good doesn't matter because it did not matter to him, one bit.

I was very happy with him, I waited to marry & felt I had the one I was to be married to. But what is transpired now, all of the lies he told me, the promises unkept, this upheaval of my life, & that also I am vulnerable physically, to start over now at middle age is going to take yrs.

I do remember when he first left & my reading about narcissism & psychopathy. I know that I heard there are some that never recover. Too, when I saw my doctor probably 6 months after he had left, he looked at me above his glasses & I could tell he was concerned about what was ahead of me to have to deal with.

I guess it's almost like a shock value of, as grief/grieving there is that initial shock but now it's so real. How can a human be like this?

I spend a lot of time in prayer that I try to understand, not him, not to excuse what he did because there are no excuses. I don't care if he didn't want to be with me, but he could have made this decision early on, without helping to create debt he never intended to help pay on.
But he CHOSE to say these things, promises & apparent lies in the end. For what?
It's as if it was to hurt me & solely that. How can someone claim all of these things to spat on a person, leave them high & dry & laugh them away?

I meant nothing to this man & I guess that is what is hard to grasp. His words were empty. This whole thing was one sided that it only was meaningful to me. & now, I am even trying to make sense of that. It has amounted to.. debt, loss, struggle of which I could never have imagined.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 10/30/11 02:08 PM

1Healing, I am almost certain that Psychopaths get their kicks from hurting others. They just love to push others to their limits. I think they have fun watching people cry and hurt. Just like that.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 10/30/11 03:35 PM

Definitely, I can tell many stories of his gaslighting & then him watching me pine for him to make up, to speak, the silent treatment he used was horrible, he would not ever allow us to get to an even keel.

He said at the last time he was with me, he had worked hard to, "keep it together," but then he couldn't do it anymore. Literally he would not try to get along.

YES, he enjoyed immensley, my hurting & especially if he did it. I am SURE he is THRIVING from what he did to me & how badly he did me. Probably he laughs about it a lot.

He will likely get mileage for a long time of the destruction he did, & in the name of JESUS is how he did it (claims of how we had this mission together & on & on & money spent, mine).



Originally Posted By: NewBird
1Healing, I am almost certain that Psychopaths get their kicks from hurting others. They just love to push others to their limits. I think they have fun watching people cry and hurt. Just like that.
Posted by: skybluepaint

Re: Depression and healing - 10/31/11 11:20 PM

Newbird,
Nope, I haven't considered MJ. Not that I am against it per se, just that I already went through addictions to alcohol and nicotine, so don't want to add anything else to the mix. Fortunately, I've been sober for 5 months, but I still smoke, although am cutting back. I think probably the best 'addiction' right now to have would be exercise. That is the one I need the most, and it is also a mood booster.
Posted by: skybluepaint

Re: Depression and healing - 10/31/11 11:38 PM

1Healing,

I feel your pain. I, too, am starting over at middle age and it is made all the more difficult by having been with the psychopath because they leave you in such a low place it is hard to get up from.

I agree it is hard to grasp that all those words were just words to them and meant nothing. All those seemingly happy moments suddenly feel one-sided. Six months after she'd left, she was looking at pictures of us, called me on the phone and asked, "Were we happy?" It hurts. It really, really hurts.

I think because their words are so carefully constructed, you actually believe them more than most people. They seem to be so upright, faithful. But, those words are just constructions to them. When I asked why she was still saying she couldn't wait to see me (when she had already started seeing someone else), she said, "Because I thought it was what you wanted to hear." It is unfathomable for most of us to even imagine saying something like that!

Psychopaths are such good chameleons that it really is like having a relationship with yourself, because they play the part you want them to for as long as they feel you are of use to them. And you fall in love with that image of this seemingly perfect person. That is hard to let go of.

You will heal. You will find a way to pick up the pieces of yourself and stitch them back together into an even better you. I have to believe that for myself, for all of us.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 11/01/11 06:08 AM

"Because I thought it was what you wanted to hear."

OMG, flashback, flashback!
This is exactly what my Psychopath used to say!
And later on, when things fell apart and he was doing his "revenge" part on me - he would say it all the time just to make me feel guilty about it - like "you made me be so nice to you, you FORCED me to say this to you, I had to" and other blablabla like that.

This is really a mind-killer...


Healing is a terrible time... All you can really do is accept it. Accept all the pain, the grief and so on.
Good news is - if you don't give up hope - one day you will be reborn, a brand new person, and 10times happier than you'd ever been.

On one hand such an experience is really heartbreaking and life-breaking, but if you learn from it, gain from it, you grow much stronger and at the end you become this perfect version of yourself, that can enjoy life like never. I'd always been very optimistic, but what's happening now is almost unbelievable. I can enjoy life like never before.
Maybe just going through such a terrible hell on earth makes you value life more after surviving it.
The only thing is to never give up, never give in to the manipulation, and continue with what your heart tells you you should do.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/01/11 10:17 AM

Thank you skyblue. I do know healing is possible & I am still very at peace in my spirit, surprisingly. I have taken time to heal. I have been asked out by guys, 4 & a few more that were interested not bragging but only to say that I am not a desparate woman, nor was I before meeting this person. I am choosing as well to take the time to get myself together before becoming closely involved with opposite sex/ if I do. I don't have any interest in remarriage or even dating again. could see some closer friends once I get things together but still a ways off. For now I have a few women I can talk with, friends, who seem to know me & see my goodness. I can be authentic & that is helpful in healing.

I am at a stuck place & have made some calls in last few days here to possibly get more help. There are few services for disabled in this town that amount to anything. There are signs on doors but they don't have good follow through. The aged have wonderful services here, this town does have a multitude of resources, also for those 55 & older. I seem to be following through the cracks in each of the areas. I almost qualify for help! Too, I have enough income from when I worked to sustain me barely but not enough to pay for help/or qualify for assistance! So right now I am really stuck & having fallen so far down because of this with ex h it is very devastating. I know I can pick myself up, have done it before, there are not many options. BUT it takes time.

I told myself early on when he left that I was prepared mentally for whatever may arise. I knew that because of the magnitude of what occured in this that I could fall with no supports & worse case scenerio. I would say I am about at that place! I am smiling because what else is there? He could steal my spirit but wouldn't that be the goal? It seems to me..

I know trying to comprehend why he did what he did is pointless. The overwhelming anger does come in particular when I am dealing with the courts. This has been ongoing since he left & as I mentioned, he merely packed his belongings in teh course of a few hours, a few phone calls & he was gone,out of my life, leaving me thousands of dollars in debt & to deal with that & divorce, as a disabled middle aged woman without any intent to help! THAT is hard to swallow, still & it seems to reverberate in my mind/heart/soul. How could he?

If I had not been steady in my attempts before I met him & grounded in my own life I would question my sanity. But I feel that I was very clear in my dating attempts, I didn't get close quickly, I had a well rounded life & many acquaintances & some closer friends. I was at a point I was willing/wanting to marry & felt that I had met the man of who he claimed to be, my other half.. it all seemed wonderful & even then I kept him at a distance for nearly a yr until I felt I had a grasp of things & enough surity of his sincerity (was I ever wrong!).

From that point, he upheaveled my life continually. There were many moves when he was angry, he would pack my bags & send me away or leave.

What I come to in all of this, is that I do need to talk about it. I have so tippy toed around & I am homebound for most part, in particular during colder months & still trying to get the help/assistance I am needing to get regrounded. I would say at this point it is worse case scenerio.

Another thing that baffles me to no end is his idea that I am jealous/ or jealous of him. I, when I dated was not a jealous person. I had dated steady & the men I was with were very affectionate/loving souls. I did date a few jerks over the yrs., but even still I could say in all cases they had their goodness too & I talked readily about that. This though seems different to me, there is maliciousness & devastation that caused to my life which was completely uncalled for.

I am in a vulnerable class (disabled) & I would let him know how serious it was if he would move me & then leave me stranded. When he as leaving he would laugh & snicker as he would know how upset I was that he was doing this to me again. I used to beg him not to go. I realized after enough times it was pointless. I think I would ask him not to do this when he did later on but it was always in vain. His words how he would never leave or never upset our lives again were always empty.

It absolutely blows my mind how he could have said all he did to me & then wipe the slate clean & destroy me, in a very real sense, physically my previous existance. If he had paid on the debt the courts told him to pay, if he had done the work of the divorce, as to paper & the courts (I saw what amtd to 2 mths of what I paid on the debt in 1 & 1/2 yrs of my healing with this debt).. it was the reason listed by my attorney as to my bankruptcy as if he had paid on what he owed I would not have had to file. Attorney told me he still owes me that money & that it is considered my property.

I think he laughs at me all the time & would never have a nice word about me. That he would come into my life & over & over & spat me out as he did..

I also believe in God's Healing, but I would say it is my own healing I am most concerned with now. I am in survival mode & will be for some time to come. I still have God & His Protection but it is that my struggles which are real to me have increased greatly. I had many acquaintances & friends before, was living in a safe place of which I could function given my limitation, now I am dealing with divorce, bankruptcy & less services also due to a poor economy, my access to healing (resources) is very limited.

He has to destroy, what he had... his past is always wiped out, negated..
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/01/11 10:27 AM

I agree that exercise is wonderful way to relieve stress. I am into healthy eating, exercise. I spend 1 -2 hrs a day exercising.. there are a lot of natural ways to help with healing.. something I have been into a long time. I met far more friends at a health club than at a bar (of which I did go in my late teens/early 20's)! A glass of wine or a beer does have health benefits but indulgence I would say I too stick w/ exercise & maybe downing a small glass of apple cider vinegar.. lol. Exercise, healthy foods, prayer.. all positive ways of working at healing. The social supports will take me longer to get atop of due to my limited access. So that is where my cross lies. The exh seems to move from town to town, person to person. Also, before I met this man & even during our time together I had involvements outside the home. The strain of what I am going through has caused at times gaps in my access out & the financial strains as well are burdensome. I trust in GOD. He'll Take Care of me as He Has & Does. Heck I think in all of this all we do have sometimes is our spirit, all else can be crushed by the magnitude of the losses.

I do feel for my family who are concerned for me & about me, my folks are elderly now, my siblings have very busy lives. But it's been hard on all of us, when one member of the family goes through so much it strains everyone. I have no idea what this man is/was as to his intent but it is far cry from what he said it would be & ended up.
Posted by: blueheron

Re: Depression and healing - 11/02/11 11:31 PM

Originally Posted By: skybluepaint
We need to ruminate, to figure it out, so that we can move on. So, I gave myself permission to do so. The problem with having had a relationship is that we may never figure it out, because they don't obey the laws of civilized society.


Skybluepaint, I think my husband and I are there with you. The ruminating has gone on for several months now, because we cannot figure out what on earth would make a relative behave in such a way. I am beginning to think there is no "why" except that our psychopath is greedy and they're just removing obstacles; right now that's us. That sure doesn't keep us from feeling absolutely sick about it, though.

I hope you will continue to do your due diligence and find some natural alternatives for your depression. I have also tried Prozac and a few other Rx things, but didn't care to feel that separated from the world. At the moment, an old tricyclic antidepressant is doing a decent job. Before that, St. John's Wort helped for quite a while, along with a few thousand mgs of fish oil. Those are the most economical natural helps; there's also SAMe, GABA, certain amino acids, etc. Note there are caveats for any remedy you consider. (I'm a natural healing bug and will always try that route first before giving in to pharmaceuticals. :-)

Wishing you well.
blue heron
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/03/11 03:41 AM

One thing I try doing with those that are currently part of my life of which Psychopath is ex h so I am not in contact with him, but in re family members or friends when things come up/ or differences which occur on occassion. I try to detach. I may have a disagreement or vice versa that arises & I may ruminate or think about/ why did this happen & feel frustrated but I try so hard to detach from, the idea of, situation, person of which there were/are expectations of, to find a new way to think about it. I guess it's like the natural healing, lol, in a way, being creative to find solutions. Part of me at times wants to say, ok if only, "you," had done this & why did, you do that, mostly I say it inside (ruminating) but only for a bit.. I try hard when possible to detach & say, ok, they are doing this or that / or have decided to think about a situation as they do (if there is a disagreement of which on occassion, maybe a few times a yr, with family for instance, as happens when close.. (I realize marriage is a bit more complicated).. but I do find answers in my own world, & try so hard not to burden others or even with my thoughts or would be expectations of, because they have their own lives/ world, of which I do too, or should/ working on, ongoing...
I think my family tends to work in this manner where we are supportive of each other yet we also expect each person to have the boundaries & framework,soul, mind, body, of which to carry out in adult fashion, life.

Something that ex h did not seem to be able to do was allow for the anger, although he seemed easily angered at me regularly, anger in general, meaning a back & forth discussion of feelings, ideas, thoughts in an attempt that there would be a solution, did not exist.
It was merely, his anger, his unhappiness of which ruled.

This part is highly confusing to me, as an adult & human being, because I was raised that it's ok to have feelings, disagree & ultimately find solutions, come back together sharing that which one has in common & not in a preconcieved notion but genuine, love.

Before I met my now ex h who happens to be Psychopath, I really did not understand the gap, mindset, innerworkings of those with such differences to get along, work through in life. Maybe I was sheltered (by God) from this nightmare prior, I don't know. But it has removed a veil in a way, the highs & lows of the Psychopath, which are extreme.

I have family members of varying personalities as do most all of us with family of size & where one lives close to them... but this was an eye opener & my own physical fortress of which I worked hard to build on this earth, is more spiritual & I see the forces, good vs. evil, so clear. The armor is (God), daily, battle, which before I didn't see so clear.
Before Psychopath ex h, who wanted so badly to knock down that fortress (walls/shelter/everything as it was before), did just that, handsdown. I pick up my cross, put on The Armor of God, & fight. I wasn't aware I don't even think what the battle was, in a clear sense, but since my life is pretty much destroyed as it was before (literal) that is my calling. What else is there?
This whole experience, it's a good thing that the, "natural," healing methods are there & those that aren't (the other help that is offered & accepted when/as needed), because I think that the forces of this Psychopath manifest in life, to pull the energies from. The battle & in the world as it is, good vs. evil.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 11/04/11 09:34 PM

I apologize for being mia. I am struggling with this blood disorder. I don't want any member to think they are being ignored.

I will try to catch up with some comments this weekend.

I swear if I could I would rent a bus and travel the country to warn people about what can happen when you go the medication route for depression I would. I have surgery scheduled the end of December and will be away for a week the first part of December.

I hope the community understands, the forum is here for all of you.

Please accept my apologies, I check in to make sure things are okay and sometimes have been posting but I don't want anyone to think they are being ignored on my behalf.

If there are any issues or things that need my immediate attention, please use the notify button and it sends me an email to deal with any issues.

Di
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/05/11 04:05 AM

Diana, I pray you get to feeling better. The blood disorder is a result of the meds?

Meds are such a mixed deal.. Ones for diabetes or the like are so nescessary but like you say ones that treat something more in a bandaid fashion are more debatable. I guess my idea of the ones for depression typically should be used like they have therapy nowasdays, it's more short term & directed to help the client/patient to tackle the current issues. Some of the new depression meds supposedly help to create new neurons but oftentimes more sensitives are experienced on the drugs. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this .. it sounds serious. TAKE CARE! Thank you for running this forum. I have found help in sharing as I mention on another thread/post that in writing I can at times leave my anger & it's connecting with others who have dealt with similar (Psychopath) experience.

Let us know how things are going?! Take care of yourself!



Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
I apologize for being mia. I am struggling with this blood disorder. I don't want any member to think they are being ignored.

I will try to catch up with some comments this weekend.

I swear if I could I would rent a bus and travel the country to warn people about what can happen when you go the medication route for depression I would. I have surgery scheduled the end of December and will be away for a week the first part of December.

I hope the community understands, the forum is here for all of you.

Please accept my apologies, I check in to make sure things are okay and sometimes have been posting but I don't want anyone to think they are being ignored on my behalf.

If there are any issues or things that need my immediate attention, please use the notify button and it sends me an email to deal with any issues.

Di
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/05/11 04:15 AM

I hope you are OK Di.

Sending you positive, healing thoughts.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 11/05/11 11:49 AM

Hi Starry and Healing, thanks for your kind words. Yes the blood disorder is a direct result of a medication for depression, it is a mood stabilizer called Lamictal. The truth of these drugs is they damage your brain neurons, I have neuron damage along with this blood disorder. From what research I have done it is possible for the neurons to get back to working like they should with regular sleep patterns because that is when our brain deals with these things. I am hoping that now I am finally drug free and getting on a sleep pattern the visual issues will correct, only time will tell if it is permanent. Fortunately it didn't cripple me, I was one step from a stroke and still have visual issues. I could have survived the depression without medication but once they get you on them it is an onslaught of meds that they really know very little about the serious implications. Even when my blood disorder popped up literally overnight I got zero support, they only wanted to change to a "less severe side effect" drug. It damaged the veins in my legs so am on bed rest until surgery that will luckily fix that issue the end of December. It creates a catch 22, when they see you are on meds your complaints put you in the crazy box and when you go off the meds it is the same treatment. It took me over 8 months of going back to the diagnosing blood specialists, the neuro surgeon who identified the medication etc. As my legs got worse I went back to all of them and was told the bulging veins and weakness was due to age. When I finally found a specialist who actually listened they could identify the problem that I had been pointing out to others quite simply. All they did was have me stand for a minute and see that my feet turned purple. The neuro surgeon would only suggest that I go back and get on more drugs.

We all can have major depression when life altering things happen, drugs are not the answer. I was one of the healthiest people around, never even got the flu until I was in the grasp of the psychiatry world and loaded up on pills over the years. They don't heal you, they might make you feel better for awhile. Like a friend of mine she has been trying to go off her anti depressants and goes back after awhile because for a short time they make you feel better. Depending on how long a person is taking them it takes normal sleep patterns to readjust the damage the drugs are causing so it is important to ride it out and not think going back on the drugs is the solution.

I keep having to go back to my neutral spot because just thinking about how our society abuses prescription drugs as the answer triggers me. I am okay with writing about it for our community because I would guess the odds of anyone dealing with a Psychopath is in the 100% range and from my case the only answer I was given was to go on medication. Now it is considered normal practice and alternative information is thought of as being fringe, what a twisted world. You can't watch TV for less than 5 minutes without seeing drugs advertised for depression. In the ads they do list the serious side effects but when the Dr. is handing out the pills they do not tell you they more than likely will cause serious harm. In my case even when I was "hit" they still insisted that I was flawed and needed more drugs which were just as potentially harmful. You have to be your own advocate, just because I didn't go to medical school I have done a ton of research and there is no answer for depression that will be helped by drugs.

Off my soap box,

Di
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/05/11 03:20 PM

Di, it's always an absolute pleasure to read your posts. You have such a strong, empowering vision...it's very inspiring.

I'm only sorry that you've been through all of this and are still having to deal with it.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/06/11 02:31 AM

Dianne,

It is good to take note of the med you are speaking of & like you say once they have a patient in this loop of doctors & meds it's hard to get out of it. I know that the aftermath of all of this accumlated loss post ex h Psychopath, is a nightmare. It has to be THE worst experience & devastation in total I have experienced. BUT like you say pushing through as much as possible without being drugged up is better than getting into more complications (via meds).

I think the new drugs too they don't know the side effects long term. Plus as you say the commercials are enough to scare a person with what can go wrong, it's a wonder why they give the patient the meds in the first place.

I feel I did a lot of healing with ex h Psychopath & also was positioned in my life that I wanted to marry, waited & was actually very happy with him, in love & excited about, "us." BUT he over the course of a number of yrs unravelled everything that was familiar to me, to the point my life is barely recognizable as to what it was before. My supports are not there as I need them & with my current disability issues of which are not unbarable but it's that I do not now have the supports I am needing ... SO, I do hear you that in loss & major loss in particular it can send a person into a spiral effect of which most doctors & social workers are EAGER to treat with prescription drugs.

I think this scenerio of medicate is worse now too than ever before. They LOVE treating people with anti depressants, they rarely give out anti anxieties. I hear what you are saying!

My own belief is that the world itself is in a VERY psychopathic state of control of which the drugs, anti d's, narcotics, anything that causes a dependence, top /down affect, which locks a person/people, all of society into a needy state & thus confused & dependent. It only fits too with the economy failing, job loss, etc. Why not drug the people so they can't feel at all.

The Psychopaths do this in such a clever way of luring by placing a person/people on a pedastal but later very conveniently & covertly knocking them off, beating them down & running over with a bus, while they walk away & laugh/ which compares to the state of the nation/s' people now lacking in so many areas. It would be one thing if there were opportunities & genuine caring of, the people, one for another but it seems there is a general NEED for control of those that seek to destroy. The battle good vs. evil is real & I think there are those that are suffering in the extreme because of the egomaniacs, greedy, evil intentions, of many of the ones, "in charge."

Why not drug the people, that they shut their mouths & better yet, take away all of their capabilities, of which psychopaths love doing, mask it with their fake commitments, lies of genuine concern .. the whole world is broken down. I suspect that this incapacitated state of those whose lives have been cut down neglegantly will pay a price.

Those that I talk with who are telling me some of what is going on behind the scenes at one (gov) agency in particular I know is also rampant all over & for a long time where they let people go that are ready to retire & there is NO true belonging or concern for employees, those devoted for yrs to service. Esp those near retirement, they make sure to fire.

They say that psychopaths function best in a bad economy, when things in the world are falling apart because their nature is one where they love the adulation, their egos feed off of the oppression of.

Likely many to most psychopaths suffer from a personality disorder which in many cases is biological/ brain related where they are wired differently. That doesn't excuse AT ALL the damage done to others of which in many to most cases for their victims is life altering.

What you are saying Dianna in your experience & then in dealing with the medication that further breaks down the healing which has to take place in a state of loss from all of this, becomes almost a, "time tunnel," scenerio.

I think the world is in a free fall mode right now, there are those that are, "in the world," & those, "of the world." No matter what prescription others write, remaining clear & able to make decisions, rejecting that which is false, walking through the fire, no matter how hot, to love, seeing truth, living truth & not becoming part of the lie.

Psychopaths may be different & I suspect there are those whom God Does give a purpose in their walk as God Is Love, but pretending /medicating to the false, turning heads when people hurt, being part of oppression & demise is not the answer (in my mind).

One day soon, there will come a time when the beast will write that script of choice, the mark, of which there is no mind, eternal damnation /suffering will follow. I believe strongly that some right now more than ever, their extreme suffering & there are those that suffer at the hands of another, it shows, "the signs of the times."

(I think you said you got off the soap box.. so I decided to use it for a bit!?! smile )

Praying you get to feeling better Dianne!

.. at least holding onto to our spirit/ the love that is, our energy, light, as spirit beings, noone can crush us.. for all souls to keep that in mind...
life is eternal & no person or situation can crush our spirit/soul. God Never Leaves us!
I loved ex h Psychopath so much & it just perplexes me to no end how he could do what he did to me..
but I keep in mind, God Wrote The Book of Life, & pardon my lengthy post..
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 11/06/11 03:42 PM

Di, my thoughts are with you too!
I cannot express how much I admire what you've done for years here. It is really amazing!
Posted by: blueheron

Re: Depression and healing - 11/06/11 11:44 PM

Wow, 1Healing. What a wonderful soap box. :-)

Diane, I was really sad to hear that it was Lamictal that hurt you. That is nasty stuff. I hope you are able to find healing and relief.
Posted by: Miss Treated

Re: Depression and healing - 11/07/11 07:03 PM

Hi Di, you are in my prayers. It is not fair that you have been hit with so much. I have just met you here, and I already see that you are such a strong person... have faith in your ability to heal. Thank you for discussing meds. I am on two, one is the one you mentioned. I am scared. My brain neurons have already been damaged by a seizure. Dont need more damage!!! I am going to wean off of it. I will talk to my therapist first of course. I have a new therapist... she does not support medications. They are not really helping. This grief doesnt seem to go away, nothing makes me feel better (except this site)...so why be on meds? I thank you so deeply.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/07/11 08:10 PM

Thank you blueheron. smile

My emotions are so stark & raw lately. My plate is overflowing right now..it's been such an extreme burden since ex h left. There have been times too that I really feel endangered because of all of this. IE I have a nice apt & nice location in town. BUT my neighbors, in 3 directions of me are smoking meth now.. & I am now going to likely have to move. It's just one thing after another.. I haven't even secured help yet of which I really need.. & to pack & move.
I'm trying so hard to see the goodness among the loss of which is real.. it's not easy.
I appreciate your kind words. It does help me to vent.
Illness makes all of this & healing so much more difficult. I can relate to that for sure..
& I do appreciate the forum. To find a place where others have gone thru this trauma & share helps to let go.. at least for a bit! smile


Originally Posted By: blueheron
Wow, 1Healing. What a wonderful soap box. :-)

Diane, I was really sad to hear that it was Lamictal that hurt you. That is nasty stuff. I hope you are able to find healing and relief.
Posted by: Miss Treated

Re: Depression and healing - 11/07/11 08:32 PM

Hi 1Healing,

I know how incredibly tough it is to control our emotions. But that's OK. We are told by others that we are allowed to be extreme now, to vent our misery. The more I cry, scream and vent the better I feel... for a bit, as you said. Trauma is not easy to get through. I focus on others who have healed. They say it is possible. We must believe that. The fact that we are all her means that we are all tying to heal. Each of us helping each other is also helping ourselves. The worst part, learning of the psychopath, is behind us. There is no lower place to be. As I have heard before, the only way from here is up. We will make it.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/07/11 08:44 PM

Yes. When he left a few yrs back I remember being to the point I sat with my emotions for a few months.. silent moreso.. then I began to talk for a # of months with others that are going through this.. it helped a lot. I felt more healed & not needing of hte support as much by that next summer.. but it seems to come in waves & there is layering to this.
It is pretty much a worse case scenerio for me.. financial, divorce, my own situation as I am disabled physically, I do pretty well but the whole of it has just been overwhelming.
He left me in a situation that my even getting supports I need & to heal has been ultimately my biggest challenge in this & post the divorce & financial that is what I'm tackling now..
I really could care less who he is with.. the words don't seem to mean a thing to them (love/commitment). To someone that has not met a person like this it's all hard to believe.. It's like they don't really exist in themselves!?!
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 11/07/11 09:00 PM

Hi Miss Treated, welcome to our community. I am glad you have a therapist that isn't into medications, seems like she has you on the right track.

I had a very tricky time getting off of Lamictal. I was taken off of it after a round of Dr's and didn't know the origin of my blood condition. First I woke up one morning with what was sudden onset of bleeding and bruising, bulging veins, bleeding, I was scared to death because of a couple of prominent veins running up both my legs and my hands. I actually stayed awake all night because it was on a Friday and when I saw the veins in my legs I freaked out and went to the ER the next day. They took my blood and I saw my GP on Monday. He saw a spike in my blood so he sent me to see a blood specialist. The blood specialist diagnosed my blood as lupus coagulation (I was still on Lamictal), while he was treating me I started having visual abnormalities, I first noticed odd things which I told him about. For example there was a chain on the floor and it would wiggle but things would return to normal. One day I went to open my office door and the handle was moving in all directions. He thought I might have some retinal bleeding so he sent me to an eye Dr.; my eyes were fine so he referred me to a neuro surgeon. The neuro surgeon knew from looking at my meds that it was Lamictal which I was then slowly taken off of. After all since Lamictal was developed for seizures he was able to pin point the drug. Two weeks after being taken off of Lamictal I had a major attack. The abnormal vision turned into a horror show; just about everything in my house was moving and wiggling around. I was so shocked since I had been off Lamictal for a couple of weeks. It was a Sunday so I was trapped alone to deal with it because I knew if I went to the ER with the list of drugs I was on that I would surely be committed if I told the Dr. about seeing things moving around, here is where it gets tricky, they see your meds and have you in the crazy box so I had to ride it out at home. The next day I spent hours researching Lamictal.

I signed releases for the shrink, neuro and blood specialist to consult. They took very little intellectual interest. I went back to the blood specialist and was told that the bulging veins were due to aging. I asked him how that aging like that could take place overnight and be on the heels of the Lamictal attack on my blood and vision. Basically I got the brush off. After they consulted the neuro Dr's nurse called me and said they had a new prescription for me at the pharmacy and when I asked her what it was for she said it was "lamictal like" without the serious side effects. Well, that is when I dug in my heels and decided that clearly no one but me had my best interest at heart.

My ability to stand without sharp pains in my legs was getting worse and they kept sending me in circles. I went back to the eye Dr., back to the blood specialist, back to the neuro Dr. and got the age deal. I saw a vascular Dr. who was indeed crazy, he never even looked at my legs, and he just saw my meds and ignored my complaints. The neuro Dr. completely turned me off and told me to go back and get on medications since I had then taken myself off of the rest of the batch of meds I was on. I had asked the shrink to get me off drugs and he only took me off a couple and then stopped so I had to take matters into my own hands and slowly get off the other medications. He actually asked me if I would consider electro shock treatment, well, that about was enough for me, I just went away and very slowly stopped the other medications. Lamictal is well known for short term memory loss so what did he give me about a year before? Speed, yup full strength Concerta and said I had ADD. Duh, Lamictal wipes out your short term memory, I hardly have ADD. Naturally speed increased my anxiety so he increased my sleep meds and Valium. At one point he was writing prescriptions for 120 Valiums (10mg)per month to take 4X a day.

You could point a gun to my head and I would let you pull the trigger before I would ever put my health into the hands of anyone every again as long as I live. I figure if the life threatening depression didn't kill me the medication profession sure gave it a good try.

To further my point my business partner who took the dive with me was working in our New York office, he actually bought a gun he was also so severely depressed. I was put on medication. He eventually was able to get back on his feet, marry a wonderful woman and have a life. My life turned to mud.

The good news is I will be having surgery on my legs the end of December, now I am confined to bed most of the time. The very good news is my old partner and I have been in discussion the last couple of months and we finalized our plans this weekend to start back in business when my surgery is over. My mind is finally clear enough and have been busy working on some new designs. Slowly because the healing process is still ongoing. I can't start back to work full time because I will have to travel for business and for now that isn't an option until surgery. Luckily it is a simple procedure to unblock the veins in my legs so I will be able to stand without pain.

It is all about greed and incompetence when a person is going through a life altering depression.

Well off my soap box, I am sure I have ranted about this in pieces here before, be careful getting off Lamictal, I hope you have a smooth transition. I am sorry you had a seizure it must have been terrifying. I still see white shots of light out of the corners of my eyes from the neuron damage. I actually feel blessed they didn't kill me with medications, they gave it a good try.

I don't mean to offend anyone who is taking medications and am not trying to tell anyone else what to decide what works for them.

From my experience and research it can take months of normal drug free sleep patterns to give our brains a chance to realign. That is the catch when you think you need to get back on medication to feel better, it is a process to get your brain back in order and tough to ride it out but it will be worth it in the end. It has taken me months to get back to a drug free sleep pattern. I don't feel like my old self yet but my mind is clear after all these years of being drugged. I know I can climb out of this ditch.

I appreciate the support and kindness from our community, it is good to read that people care. I had to think long and hard before opening this conversation here and was afraid but glad we can have an open discussion since severe depression is a major part of healing from life altering events with Psychopaths.

Di
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/09/11 11:50 AM

A place I do feel stuck lately is my hatred in me for & at him, ex h Psychopath, of which comes in waves & is overpowering.. there are easy triggers & it can last. This is fairly new for me, the last month perhaps.. i think it's just the total of the destruction that is left for me to deal with, the lies he told of which there are so many. It's as if I am a joke to him, which doesn't matter but to grasp it, that one could say all these things & so easily toss me under the bus.
It's one thing to date & in earlier stages make decisions to end the relationship but ongoing to create debt with someone, make all sorts of promises, say they are the one & ongoing, then go through a series of endless destruction that affects the person without care.. even still why not walk away if one isn't happy but it's a game to them, endless/ongoing.. back & forth.
After the first 2 times of his sending me away I was done reaching back, I think even after the first it was he who wanted me back, after he ended it.. continual after that but I would put up more bariers that he couldn't come back to me as easily, as what was the point if he didn't want to be with me? It seems now it was a tease & the debt he stuck me with, the fact I had to do all the divorce paperwork & the cost of all of these things & legal has been enormous. He knew I as disabled too.. of which I told him was serious to move me away from my comfort zones/ supports. He insisted that we had something unique & it was of God & to be pushed through. Even throughout I knew it was Not the type of relationship I was used to & with a man.. he was not the type of man I was used to being attracted to & dating.. but he said no, we had a mission & it was to be, "a challenge," that easy was not what God Had for us. OK.. so I guess not, as I sit still mopping up the disaster he left on my plate.
Like I say the last month I find myself where that love is fading & easily my self is filled with hate toward him. Noone has ever upheavaled my life like this with so many unkept promises. I was content before, life was ordered & with purpose.. I realize that I have to keep on keeping on with my healing.. but like I say the disgust permeates thru my veins at how someone could do what he did to me. If he had stayed gone earlier on, if he had done the divorce paperwork, if he had bothered to help with the debt.. & why did he say all those things if he meant none of it which he couldn't have meant.. his actions did not match his words.
My self is filled with hate.. I have never hated before.. Iknow I have to love but I find my struggle (recent) complex. I certainly do not respect him.. for what he did to me.
I was a joke to him. No matter how I get past this.. I will say that no human has ever taken my life into such a destructive place, laughed at me & walked away.
I truely believe if he had had a knife the time he left me last, when he was angered, he would have used it.
I pray for healing. I know that God Will Deal with him. People are accountable for their actions (to HIM).
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 11/10/11 04:37 PM

One step at a time! Exactly!
Every smallest efford you make takes you one step higher from this pit.
I would comapre this time of healing to being in a fog, not able to see where I'm going. But it doesn'y really matter, where you're going from there. The important thing is to get out of the fog:) From then on, it's all instictual and easy.

1Healing- unfortunatelly, I don't believe in God. So it was this much harder for me to get over it all. But I do believe in people. And I lost that belief back then, so I guess that would be like saying that God doesn't exist.
To me, I don't think like this. Some people live like this, and hurt others and are still rich and powerfull and keep on hurting more. And it is only because WE let them. Because we, the good people do nothing. That's all that's enough for them to triumpf.
That's why I will not back down, no matter what the consequences of the lawsuit. And I will tell about it all, no matter how much people think it's stupid,and they'd back down.
No matter what happens, at the end of the day I can say I did all that I could to make this world a little better.
It doesn't matter if I change anything, all that matters for me is that I've tried.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/10/11 05:09 PM

I am hearing kind of a theme here that is helpful to me. We have been through life altering trauma in this experience,much loss & unwanted upheavals. But what I am hearing too is this desire/need to guard against further unnescessary drains & losses. This is tricky yet I can so relate.

I see so many huge changes right now in the world that is also showing me this is a time of change.. & I am just praying so hard to be strong. I am hearing this from you all too.. to hold on, dig in, & the healing comes with time.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/14/11 09:18 PM

Needing to vent.. Something that I just don't understand at all.. in my family of origin we each have our own lives & we expect each other to live to the best of their ability, we are supportive but with clear boundaries. We talk several times a week, not daily, we get together regularly, not every single week.. When I have problems my family expect me to seek support elsewhere besides family.. My family are loving but to me love also = expectations.. of myself & then that I know they also are working on their own life.. so it's not burdensome.

My own life is tough & especially now. I am disabled as I have mentioned here & before I met ex h I had a very established life. I wanted to marry, but I had a lot of friends, a few close friends, but a large enough circle & in various places that I was ok. My supports were solid & built up over a lot of yrs.. Well, spending time, the yrs I did with ex h Psychopath, has destroyed all of that. He went into our relationship/marriage promising the world..

When I question myself or any of this.. I ask myself too what did he want of me? I felt I did as much as I could have done, I was volunteering, going to church, making friendships of which I had to start over after the moves, & even in a new marriage it takes time to adjust.. to each other, the reordering of 2 lives. But he NEVER allowed that. When he moved us across country, I remember after about 6-9 months I had 5 phone #'s.. it was taking me some time to make new acquaintances but I was doing it. I was checking into volunteering there.. It was difficult as I didn't know anyone but I was hopeful .. change & adjusting takes time.
With Psychopaths there is no time. They do things impulsively & comittment doesn't mean anything to them.

The people in my life now, I take time knowing them. When I am in a newer friendship I make sure & pay attention to what is being said, red flags, etc.. Also, I don't put all my eggs in one basket. I try to have different activities & people to talk with as to not burn one person out.

It's as if he intentionally set us up to fail.. by moving us constantly we never had a chance to bond properly. then the people/ our supports would change, the financial costs grew. Even through that if two people are close, honest, committed they can pull through but he didn't want that. He would leave or send me away. Not only that but he would cut off all communication during his absences. I had no access to him for long periods of time.

He didn't work, in part it was due to his health but there are things he could have done to pull in money, over the time I knew him, but instead of doing something about it he would say I was making it so he couldn't at times he would flip out on me. My thought was well then go get a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He would tell me he didn't have the health to work outside of the home, & I was ok with that & he could have done something at home as to a business but he didn't. He could have gotten a job outside the home if he had wanted to, as he had said, but he chose not to. Even in all of that, I was still commited. I said, "till death do you part," & I meant it, I loved him & didn't want anyone else, to me, the marriage itself is a part of stability.. but no.. not him. He would not allow ANY stability, bonding, continuity whatsoever, the whole time we were together. The one time I felt that it was getting to be that way & I finally was able to relax moreso is when he left for the last time. It was all too much for him...

He didn't leave until nearly every shred of what I had before was dissolved. Every friend I had prior, every situation of which was before changed, then he left. I did still have my family but I am an adult & not a child.. so I am starting my life over at midlife & disabled & bankrupt... I have said this before but it is not easy.

I think the first 2 yrs were mostly dealing with the divorce & bankruptcy as the latter is just recently wrapping up (yet I still will have to pay another yr) & of course all of this is because of what he left for me to deal with... this next yr will prob be more social & figuruing out transportation issues as the costs have skyrocketed & services cut..

I just can't believe I bought into his lies.
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/15/11 05:35 AM

You're judging someone else by the standards of your own behaviour: a person that has very deliberately set out to exploit that aspect of your character. And they have exploited it (and your expectations) mercilessly.

Of course, they don't want closeness and commitment (well, on their part anyway). Their relationships aren't about that. They're about other things entirely (control, domination, fear, confusion, sucking other people dry, exploitation).

He wasn't setting your relationship up to fail, by moving around the country. He was being true to his nature, playing to his strengths, by creating confusion, chaos, uprooting all the time.

So many similarities with my dad. That's exactly what he does. Goes to live somewhere for a few years, then disappears. He doesn't leave any forwarding details as he doesn't really have 'friends' in our sense of the word (people he would like to stay in touch with). He's done that all his life (he must be in his 60s or 70s now). He could easily have had a great career, he has talent. But he doesn't give a toss about that. It would require too much application, commitment, vision, forward planning. He prefers to exploit whatever woman he is with at the time, get her to earn some money, pay for everything and live off her. Nice role model, eh?

That's been my lesson from him anyway: don't judge other people by the standards of your own behaviour. So now what I do is sit back and watch. People reveal themselves for what they really are soon enough. And I always listen to my gut feeling.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/15/11 12:51 PM

Well put & you are correct. I will say this too. I am an adult & I realize it's up to me to deal with what is, now. Where I am yet very angry & not healed is that I am vulnerable, disabled & for me to regain my life is not easy at all & he was very aware of that.
That is why I come here, for me.

It was important for me that his kids saw his goodness. It was important to me that I did too, of which I did. I loved him with all my heart & soul. I think it's vital for the siblings & in particular children of psychopaths to see both sides very clearly of their parents, brother, sister. That they incorupt not the negatives because it can be overwhelming.

Where these forums are helpful I believe is to be able to share reality in order to heal. People aren't black & white they have positive & negative traits. But psychopaths do not know how to function emotionally in the world. They feed off of their ego & on others. They are often gifted & highly intelligent. BUT like you say they squander their talents by going from town to town, marriages, relationships & do not understand & live continuity.

I am so beside myself & I would say I am at bottom now. It didn't even happen right after he left. It took the total of the divorce, bankruptcy, & now I am at a place I am having to deal head on with my reality of the destruction taht took place, in total. I can make it, I'm strong inside, which is what he was attracted to I believe. But too I am disabled, & vulnerable. So for me to fix my life I have to be interedendent & it takes time.

I had worked hard over the yrs to make sure I was buffered appropriately, not sheltered from but able to function. Like I say right now is the worst it has been for me. There was so much destruction & loss I have not been able to get grounded, yet. I'm thinking there are a few things right now of which likely will turn this around.. potentially another move to where thre is more accessible to me, & closer to shopping area, public transportation, etc.
He pulled me away from my faith of origin, all of teh people I knew & many moves.. with so many unmet promises & enormous costs, to me.

Starry, what I am hearing from you is this & it is important. I am hearing that what you learned & understand from having a dad that is psychopath is that you have to be responsible for your life. He does his own thing & to expect otherwise is ridiculous. I also think that is HEALTHY & it's something I have to acknowledge in my recovery process. I am angry at what he did. I also loved him & wanted it to work, I wanted the dream, I believed in what he said, my truth of which is not his reality, they are merely words.

For a time about 2 months after he left I posted somewhere & it helped. When I shared the hurt, loss, pain & anger I began to feel better. I could let go of the negativity. The healing is something one owns. They may take away what they say was that is not, but the healing is heading toward The Light, wholeness & strength. I am strong. I am at peace. But I am very frustrated & beside myself many days in this process. As I say it is right now that I amhaving to look again at another move, of which I would rather not have to make, the things I am dealing with now are not choices that to me are happy exciting ones.. it's due to the loss of which was caused by his decisions, which affected me in a huge way. I'm mad because I am vulnerable & disabled & I planned my life that this would not have happened yet because of what he did I am struggling horribly for awhile longer.. I do see goodness, it is why I ended up with him, but now, I am experiencing the grief, loss, anger, that which in my mind didn't need to be.

I think your words & what you say is very important. Those that I am close to don't coddle me, they expect me to see things in balance & then deal with reality. I like that. It's not easy for me because I have physical limitations of which I think I deal with well, I take good care of myself & still very independent but my life requires interdependance of which I am having begin anew. It feels nuts. I will be glad when this stage of my grief/changes/loss is done. It is the toughest yet of what I have had to deal with. If I drove & had the strength I could make the needed changes in a week to a month.. but as it is the burden is so heavy.
For all the brains they have, I gladly take the inner strength.. of which is what I have to go on. The continuity of my life was upheavaled. My spirit is still strong. There is not much else at the moment but hope, peace & love. I just can't believe I am going through all of this. Thank you starry, your words speak of reality & strength, of which without we have nothing. It is sad that they are as they are but the biology of the psychopaths is not as our own. There are better days ahead.
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/15/11 02:04 PM

There are indeed better days ahead.

I feel a great deal of inner strength from your posts, and the desire to move forward. That was something that he could not destroy in you. Be proud of that, my friend.

I understand the anger (the murderous rage in my case), I really do. There were many years that I would gladly have killed him. Not for what he did to me, but for what he did to my mum, to his other siblings, to my siblings (some of whom I have never even met).

But I was always determined to be a better person than him. And however much I felt that rage (and the stress of it has given me all sorts of chronic illnesses to deal with), I was determined never to stoop that low. I was determined that I would never, ever become like him and be a destructive person.

I also understand the grief. I feel such grief when I look around and see 'nice' families, with fathers who are role models. 'Why me, why me, why me?' was all I could think of. And 'it's not fair'.

But these are the cards that life has dealt me. And so I deal with it as best I can. But I know that each step I take towards healing (even if that is a couple of backward steps) is a step forwards and a step further away from him and all that he is about and represents.
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/15/11 05:47 PM

I'm sorry if I came across a bit abruptly.

I think what I was trying to say, behind all of that, was that once I stood back and saw him (and what he did) for what he was, a weird thing happened. It seemed to take all the blame from me. I remember feeling very, very free and very suddenly as well.

Seeing things so starkly, placing the blame where it belonged, was very liberating. I no longer felt entangled in all the mess he had made. It was like, 'this is yours, this belongs to you'. It dawned on me that it wasn't really ever about me (although I had to deal with all the stuff he had spewed over me). I was only someone that had very unfortunately been caught in his mechanism.

And there was a boundary where there had been none, a very clear one, that I had established. It felt very empowering.
Posted by: blueheron

Re: Depression and healing - 11/15/11 05:51 PM

Originally Posted By: starry
That's been my lesson from him anyway: don't judge other people by the standards of your own behaviour. So now what I do is sit back and watch. People reveal themselves for what they really are soon enough. And I always listen to my gut feeling.


Starry, that is profoundly wise -- the word of the day. Thanks.

blue heron
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 11/16/11 03:56 PM

100% agreed!

I would say the blame-taking is the worst part of it all. Not only does that tangle you more and more to the Psychopath in the relationship, but its also sth that wont let you go after your life has been thrown upside down by him at the end of it.

For me it was the same - when I read all these articles, began to see clearly, began to understand - I started to feel free. Before - I would always try to look for some evidence that there could be some explanation to what he did, that I had to be so bad so that he did all those terrible things to me (coz I've always thought we are responsible for our actions and how they affect others). But when I had it there, black on white, I could no longer excuse him. It was great.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/16/11 08:54 PM

Starry, thank you. I do feel strong inside & the same as you & what you are saying..
There are triggers & I sense you have worked past a lot of these. As now, end moreso lately, there is an exhaustion from it, & thinking how all of what he did to me & that he really could care less. He never protected me, in fact he made my life so very difficult by what he did...

He said he could never be with another woman again he loved me so much yet it is about as big a joke as the day is long, I'm sure he has slept with many & none of his words really mean anything. That is what I have a hard time wrapping my head around/ it is the severe damage done to me. No other person has affected me so severely/damaging me.

You are right though I'm strong & it's the inner self that has to survive this blow. They live in the ego & anything to hurt another/ the greater the pain gives them pleasure, why I don't know.

The energy is what baffles me.. it's a continuous negative energy..it's like they can see past the veil upward toward Heaven & to hell if you will/ there are no lines that they follow, but their life is a titilation into both sides/ without rising above, they say many words, but the strength is knowledge not solid of the soul as someone who truely loves.
Someone said to me today that these types seem deficit in themselves that they didn't have normal in childhood themselves perhaps/ so they don't know how to be childlike/happy but childish & instead of wanting love & sincere happiness... it's a chaotic attempt to see attention. They deflect the love. It is away from the to be target onto another in an illfated attempt to satisfy their desires, not formulated in nurturance but feign for their glory.
I do not understand ex h Psychopath at all yet I do.. & it makes me sickened inside that it's both.

When I hear words that remind me of what he said/does at times I just shutter, & lately at times I even cry not that I miss him but that I cannot believe he did what he did & hurt me so badly, in a very literal smashing.

I think I may have some irons in the fire, some major breakthroughs this week as to social connections & also through church. This may be a big deal for me, & a part of my healing that I sorely need & has been on backburner due to all of the paperwork & divorce things etc I had to deal with. I SO need this in my healing.
I did love the man, but his beauty is splintered in his soul & only God Can Deal With him now. I don't doubt it was right between us but he makes sure that it's not right, those he loves, he shoves to the side. I am aware that it didn't have to be like that.. but I am not God & he is a broken man.

I keep praying for my heart & soul to men & the flashbacks of his cruelty that they lessen & the healing is my own.

Starry, I would want ex h's kids to see their dad's goodness & I know they do. They are aware of how he is, he is in & out of their lives as he wills. I've often thought they were more capable of caring for him than vice versa.. Sometimes I feel embroiled in the lies & I feel hate, at that point I have to let go & let God. What you say, my reality is not the same as what would be a psychopaths & to think otherwise is ridiculous.
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/17/11 03:52 AM

Originally Posted By: 1Healing

I keep praying for my heart & soul to men & the flashbacks of his cruelty that they lessen & the healing is my own


I think this will happen for you.

Something I have come to understand is that we are in control of our own destinies (not them, as they liked to tell us/make us feel). So I think that you can make this healing happen.

Of course, it's not as simple as that. It's not a quick A to B journey. It's a lifetime's journey, and not in a straight line either. But I think if that's your goal, and you keep moving forwards, even if it's just a little every day, thinking, giving space to your feelings (all of them, the positive and the negative ones). Then I believe it will happen.

In my head now, I can think back to the most terrible of things he did that I can remember and, well, I don't feel crushed by that. I don't feel overwhelmed by panic or fear (as I did for many years, vomiting, losing my voice, shaking, pounding heart). Of course, it's dependent on the situation I'm in. I'm not sure I could stand up in a court of law and feel so calm about telling my story then. But I'm OK with it with myself.

There's a lot that I can't remember, that my mind has simply blanked out, but I'm OK with that too. I used to try desperately to remember. But now it doesn't seem so important to know what I can't remember any more. It doesn't really change what happened, or change him, or change who I am now. The story is still the same, still what it is.

It's not to say that things might not feel bad again at some point in the future. But I think the difference now is that I know that I can feel OK about things, and that will give me hope.

It's really all about the return of hope. That's one of the things they try to destroy in a person, because without hope there is nothing really. And I feel a lot of hope from your posts, so I feel very positive for you even though I understand things are really tough for you at the moment.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/17/11 05:16 AM

I think the realization, that they are not going to change; where their actions are coming from (a sense of lack & to keep things off balance), helps a lot.

Something that I don't understand either is that they believe people are jealous of them. I personally find it repulsive, the egocentricity, puffed up, to me is so disengenuous & unattractive. I think they are attracted to also their opposites in this way.. maybe trying to be so? but always going back to fake/false self. IF their talents aligned with altruism & a humble nature it would be idealistic but it is far from that.. He seemed to go in a continual mode of trying to, "be," & normalize but he had to make waves. There is no continuity.

I've been around people that were selfish & not very mature but this tops every other experience & the aftermath in my own life is far reaching.

Yes, I am hopeful .. I have not quite reached bottom to land yet .. of which I can then begin to move forward. I'm almost there.. To loose so much at his hands, it seems almost a crushing of the soul (or attempted)..
There's just such a sense of spiritual warfare with them that they are battling such darkness.
Thanks for letting me vent/share..it does help.
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/17/11 07:17 AM

Yes, I think you're absolutely right on so many things.

One of the things I remember about my dad, was that he could look into your eyes, just a fleeting glance, and it was like he was looking into your soul.

But looking in with the intention of wanting to steal whatever good he could find there. Like a thief, going up to a house, and shining a torchlight through the window to see what he can get inside.

He couldn't bear someone else having what he wanted (goodness, kindness, hope, life) so he tried to steal it for himself, in the hope that he could somehow absorb some of those qualities and have them for himself, because his own soul was so bleak and dead. It was OK for as long as you were an object, and he could keep you pressed up right against him. You were safe, because his illusion was safe.

But as soon as you showed any signs of life, and would pull away ever so slightly (as you would and should, being an independent, living being and not an object) then the fissure became unbearable to him. The gap revealed his true self to himself, and he just could not bear that. So he would set about trying to devalue and destroy the object that caused his pain.

I'll write more in a bit. Quite tired now.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/17/11 07:53 PM

I wish I could more easily get to a support group here in town.. It's so difficult for me to get out more than a few days a week/ I can in the neighborhood & there are places I can go close to home/ but the social access is limited...
I think the first 1 & 1/2 yrs I cried maybe 8 times & it was not that I missed him..
the last few weeks I have cried more often, it's this exhaustion frankly in all of it & still I do not miss him. I am so tired, from it all. I think there is hope but it will take time..

This group /posting helps & too it helps to hear other's experiences/healing..

Starry, I'm thinking of what you said.. re your dad & how he bonded with women. I hear what you are saying.. ex h gets close VERY quickly to women. He has this err about him & his ways are immediate intimacy on every level/ like the breaking system in his self is broken.
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/18/11 02:09 AM

I think the getting close very quickly is a conscious thing that they do. I think it's part of the knocking people off balance, overwhelming them and not giving them a chance to catch their breath or think things over.

There's a mind control technique called 'love bombing' which describes what they do: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bombing

I remember reading about mind control techniques and realising my dad had used a lot of them on me. Here's a list from: http://www.prem-rawat-talk.org/forum/uploads/CultCharacteristics.htm

Mind Control techniques include:

1. Hypnosis
Inducing a state of high suggestibility by hypnosis, often thinly disguised as relaxation or meditation.

2. Peer Group Pressure
Suppressing doubt and resistance to new ideas by exploiting the need to belong.

3. Love Bombing
Creating a sense of family and belonging through hugging, kissing, touching and flattery.

4. Rejection of Old Values
Accelerating acceptance of new life style by constantly denouncing former values and beliefs.

5. Confusing Doctrine
Encouraging blind acceptance and rejection of logic through complex lectures on an incomprehensible doctrine.

6. Metacommunication
Implanting subliminal messages by stressing certain key words or phrases in long, confusing lectures.

7. Removal of Privacy
Achieving loss of ability to evaluate logically by preventing private contemplation.

8. Time Sense Deprivation
Destroying ability to evaluate information, personal reactions, and body functions in relation to passage of time by removing all clocks and watches.

9. Disinhibition
Encouraging child-like obedience by orchestrating child-like behaviour.

10. Uncompromising Rules
Inducing regression and disorientation by soliciting agreement to seemingly simple rules which regulate mealtimes, bathroom breaks and use of medications.

11. Verbal Abuse
Desensitizing through bombardment with foul and abusive language.

12. Sleep Deprivation and Fatigue
Creating disorientation and vulnerability by prolonging mental an physical activity and withholding adequate rest and sleep.

13. Dress Codes
Removing individuality by demanding conformity to the group dress code.

14. Chanting and Singing
Eliminating non-cult ideas through group repetition of mind-narrowing chants or phrases.

15. Confession
Encouraging the destruction of individual ego through confession of personal weaknesses and innermost feelings of doubt.

16. Financial Commitment
Achieving increased dependence on the group by 'burning bridges' to the past, through the donation of assets.

17. Finger Pointing
Creating a false sense of righteousness by pointing to the shortcomings of the outside world and other cults.

18. Flaunting Hierarch
Promoting acceptance of cult authority by promising advancement, power and salvation.

19. Isolation
Inducing loss of reality by physical separation from family, friends, society and rational references.

20. Controlled Approval
Maintaining vulnerability and confusion by alternately rewarding and punishing similar actions.

21. Change of Diet
Creating disorientation and increased susceptibility to emotional arousal by depriving the nervous system of necessary nutrients through the use of special diets and/or fasting.

22. Games
Inducing dependence on the group by introducing games with obscure rules.

23. No Questions
Accomplishing automatic acceptance of beliefs by discouraging questions.

24. Guilt
Reinforcing the need for 'salvation' by exaggerating the sins of the former lifestyles.

25. Fear
Maintaining loyalty and obedience to the group by threatening soul, life or limb for the slightest 'negative' thought, word or deed.

26. Replacement of Relationships
Destroying pre-cult families by arranging cult marriages and 'families'.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/19/11 08:55 AM

Starry, & once one understands the, "rules," they change them around so it's their game/their rules.

What is good that I am not around ex h Psychopath is that he would say I was abusive & controlling & jealous & that was crazy to me because I was OK alone before him, I was single many yrs, & though I wanted to marry I had my routine & friends, beliefs, a life. He made sure to change ALL OF IT around, with this new promise of heaven & things we would do together, this exciting life & love that was so unique. It was indeed unique.. & filled with anger which only he could own.. my, controlling behavior, was that I wanted some of what he had said, to happen/ by his action of which he could have EASILY done but he CHOSE to sit before the tv & worship it/ the computer day after day & rail at me for caring. It was CRAZY MAKING.. I loved being married & to him, cooked & cleaned, volunteered, went to church, visited family, exercised, I loved to write, make plans, pray.. my life was filled to the brim & I was happy, the work I have/had done over the yrs, paid off.. but not to him/for him it was like a maxed out credit card, my face. I was in his way, irritating that I existed, the dream, washed in water colors, blackened by his angry brushings. The happiness, hugs, loving kisses of which I gave him, & each day was sunshine, he saw not. He was dis appointed. Each time he left, it was right & then wronly he would return, I welcomed him realizing he was confused & hopeful as my bible says, faith, "hope & love," I never gave up on HIM. I loved him & wanted it to work, this energy immense my life atop that mountain. The storms set in each time stability was not a rock he owned, I'm not sure why, he said all he did. Not even a pebble that is colored a certain way says it another, so what was the point? Did he even see? Why was he here, what is his point? I don't know the answers but each of the roads I saw clear the way, as is said it's an illusion.
God Is my Rock. I shall not want.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/19/11 09:20 AM

It is so odd too that the GAME that they play.. so many feed into & believe, staking their lives .. I am contemplating this.. it's almost as if they come along & offer this sort of lottery ticket, they say, you put in $1, & we will have the beautiful life & we will win, because you have saved & you are solid they say (the psychopaths) I can offer you the pay off.. the investment, in me (meaning the psychopath) will reep all of your dreams come true.
But yes, it is a game, to them, it's just this switch / like a 2D which I hear is what they are like & it is so, not 3D /reality, where when they tire of the game, they walk away.
So the cards are left one one's hand, those they leave behind & a realization to them it was not real & they go about their lives playing, they are good at it, the lives the own for a time, shaken about, the poker players loss, he wins his own hand, the psychopath.
In life I continue to grow & I can/do reep from what I sew but I had no idea I was placing my cards into this.
Life goes on (ugh).
smile
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/19/11 10:25 AM

Of course you didn't realise you were placing your cards into this.

I'm very tired at the moment, so please excuse me if I get this wrong, but it seems to me you're taking an awful lot of responsibility for 'going along' with him.

What I understand is that these people are absolute experts at working out what motivates someone, what their weak spots are. And they are really skilled at finding weak spots that you didn't even know you had. I've had a psychotherapist who worked with psychopaths tell me this, and I've seen it happen too, to someone else. They are always on the look out, searching, stalking, assessing, calculating. 'Intraspecies predators' Hare calls them, an absolutely brilliant description, because that is what they are.

And also because people are very willing to share information about themselves. Everyone likes talking about themselves, no? That's not to say there's anything wrong with that, talking, sharing, communicating, but using that information, freely given, to gain an advantage over someone, well, yes, there's a lot wrong with that.

So, with that information, gleaned from someone, they construct a vision of whatever it is the other person wants to hear. And they sell that vision to the other person. Of course, it works. Who doesn't want to hear that someone else is passionately interested in the same things as us, who doesn't want to hear that someone shares our vision for our life?

None of it is based on truth, of course, and that's what makes it very confusing for us. We hear one thing from that person, but we see and feel something else entirely. It's deeply confusing because we want to believe what people tell us.

You, I, all of us here, were sold a lie. We were all tricked, conned by experts, who have been doing this all their lives, as if their own life depended on it (it does in many ways). There's nothing wrong with our reasoning, there's everything wrong with theirs.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/19/11 02:07 PM

Starry, your posts/replies are helpful. It's obvious too you have done healing & over time.

Your last sentence, " there is nothing wrong with our reasoning," their is flawed/thinking/actions.. fits. That's how I feel it is, in part because I had worked & still do at the grounding in my life. As a disabled person too I don't have a lot of choices in this regard, I am dependent upon that which is, constant. & too this is one thing I think attracted ex h Psychopath to me/ the situation was this, "hero," fit it guy, who could make EVERYTHING right & of course when life isn't perfect as it is NOT then it was my fault.. ??!!
& the intraspecies predatory nature was never satisfied with any of it before or after anyways but still it was my fault.. & I hear you too.. in your healing /work of which it is, a person begins to separate from the false illusions they create then destroy.. of which I am yet in earlier stages of healing.

I think part of where I am at too is that the effects of all of this have been so destructive that I have not been able to remove myself from the, responsibilty, to some degree because of what is on my plate to deal with.. of which he so CON veniently walked away from. I realize this is his life style, & part of grief work & in this will take time. I'm having to work within my own limitations of which each of us does.. to step back into places of where I had come out of/ that I cannot just pick up & move to a new place/town, of which would be nice/ or get a job at drop of a hat .. I am not jealous as he loved to call me.. but I am angered at the mess involved now in my life/ thanks to his lies..

I think today I will listen to more online & read about psychopaths because it helps me to understand better.. not that it is an excuse, but as you say it helps me remove from why I bought into his lie/s. His ego is disgusting & the scope of the man is a shell.. grr
anyways. like you say & I agree 100% it's my reality I have to deal with & I'm good with that..
removing the layers of sod he placed upon me will take time..

I remember when I thought he was so beautiful.. thru & thru.. it was merely an illusion..
the lingering reeks... amongst my life. I held The Cross to my heart/ now I hold it up to keep the prey away.

It does help to write & the comments/ I do HEAR that this healing takes time..
I REALLY felt that he was possessed.. it's hard for me to say that outloud but it's true.
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/19/11 02:51 PM

I know what you mean. I describe looking into my dad's soul like looking into the pit of hell. And I don't even believe in God (sorry, I don't mean to offend you). But that man was evil.

The healing does take time, you're right. And it takes time and effort because it's all consuming. There's no rush. I'm thinking of it as a lifetime's work. And nobody can tell you which is the 'right' way and which is the 'wrong' way to heal. You will find your own way.

But every step forward is a step further away from him and back to reconnecting with yourself. I don't think they have to be big, massive strides (although I think that coming on here and talking about how you feel and connecting with others is a massive step forwards).

I think you're doing an amazing job smile
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/20/11 10:07 AM

What is difficult for me most of all is that he claimed to be so Christian & I realize this is part of their game plan..

As to your own beliefs Starry, that is your business/ I am surrounded by people of varying beliefs. For the most part we can share & not step on toes.. we reserve the right to differ but can gain from each other's perspectives.. To me this is how God Loves us. There is a purpose for our lives.

What is huge for me is that I feel in a way I was spiritually raped. He claimed to be so, of God & that we had this mission together. It was straight out of the N/Psychopath script manual. I realize he didn't need a book to speak the words, but what followed took me on a winding road where I trusted him & believed that what he said he would make good on.

I know that it was different/ our connection but he said over & over it is supposed to be this way that we grow spiritually & that it was vital we push through.. so I bought into it.

I held my ground, reserved & cautious but it wasn't until I had commited & dismantled from previous life that he exposed his true nature & then systematically destroying piece by piece what was my world.
Thank you that you think I am doing well.. I do think I am still solid in myself but it's tough as everyone here knows..

Honestly, I think I have not experienced the sadness part of the grief & I am at this place now. It's been so huge the logistics of it all that I haven't even had time to spend on the sad part & I don't miss him because there was no him.. again you all can relate to that too.

I saw a man with great potential who was/is so afraid, of being that person that he wants to be, he is locked into the cell of his world, the attraction to dark, the whores of his life who seem to pull him further into the pit but he admires these things/ the words that sway him away from truth & light. This is how I see him.
I've never met anyone with such a dycotomy existance. At any given point in time he could lock into reality & make something/ character of himself by becoming the words he says but he is repelled it. He goes from person to person expecting them to fill him up, drifting along in self torment which he spews to whomever is near.
It just sickens me frankly, that is the sadness I feel, not that I miss him, it's really odd because I never have, not the last time he left & it's been over 2 yrs now.. I knew he would never try.

The Psychopaths seem to be with this anchor that keeps them weighed into the dark & repelled by the light & they claim it seems to be that light, but the lamp goes out in due time.

I think this coming yr will be a turnaround as to the last piece of this most difficult journey post Psychopath, the social connections.. of course it's not easy at all because I'm working with far less than before I met him, my age & all..
Something that age has taught me I believe is that to live a good life, solid & true, the blessings continue to flow.. but there are gifts that God Gives & they are healing in kind but to blow them off as not, is not a good thing. This fabricated lie of which I heard I did believe for awhile. It's like with him I saw heaven & hell but he is caught in the mire.

ugh. Another day.. I just still am overhwhelmed, with paperwork, the upcoming changes of which I dread they are not ones that fillme with happiness but yet in reparation of the Mess associated with ex h Psychopath.
life goes on.. smile I'll force the smiles & make sure it's a good day.
& thx for letting me vent. It does help, because I can leave my emotions /pain here & walk away..
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/20/11 10:09 AM

Starry, & my reply, that it's your business, I didn't mean to come across abrupt in my reply, it sounds a bit like I am being this way.. I just think in my own family there are different beliefs now but we all gain a lot from one another & are repsectful. I do see there is a larger picture to life. I believe in God & my own belief/system .. but I am aware there are others. smile
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/20/11 11:03 AM

You didn't come across as abrupt, not at all smile

I'm just glad I didn't offend. It is good that you have something positive to help you at times like these.

I think that that is exactly a big part of the challenge in overcoming the effect that these people have on our lives - that someone else used the things that we love and hold dear to ourselves as a way to hurt us. And we are then forced to dig deep and work out exactly what it is that motivates us, that keeps us going, and that gives us hope.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/20/11 02:21 PM

That's right.. It is confusing to me how it is as if he zoned in on everything important then upset that realm of my life before discarding.

I think the reason it takes so long & even a lifetime to heal is that they seem to undo all of the attachments of a healthy life, & one's reputation is also along with this/ if they are forced or walk away from that which is meaningful because of another then that person throws them to the curb which is what happened (over & over), it can cause such huge damage.

The holidays are a rough time for me this yr. Last yr wasn't even as bad. I guess I'm finally about to hit bottom.. then I will be able to build again. Since he's been gone it's yet been just outter repairs/ the ability for me to rebuild on friendships etc has not even begun really. There are some yes, & the supports are yet scattered but my limitations I guess he also used against me.. he seemed to take me from that which I knew then walk away.. They have such self annointed powers of which are so destructive. I'm sad lately for myself.. I feel sickened what he has done to his own life & that he destroyed mine.. nothing matters to him.

I'm glad you weren't upset, I do realize there are varying beliefs/ it does bother me when someone forces theirs on me.. I know even amongst Christians there are a lot of different thoughts & ways .. I've seen The worst fighting on a Christian forum I have ever witnessed. LOL I still consider myself Christian.. but I'm careful too where I post. It is an outlet & since I'm home quite a bit it helps me to connect.
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 11/20/11 06:00 PM

Originally Posted By: 1Healing
That's right.. It is confusing to me how it is as if he zoned in on everything important then upset that realm of my life before discarding.


That's exactly it! That's exactly the technique they use. Someone else might have different interests and passions, but they technique is always the same.

Originally Posted By: 1Healing

I think the reason it takes so long & even a lifetime to heal is that they seem to undo all of the attachments of a healthy life, & one's reputation is also along with this/ if they are forced or walk away from that which is meaningful because of another then that person throws them to the curb which is what happened (over & over), it can cause such huge damage.


And this is what triggers me so much, I've just come to realise it in the past few months. The reputation thing is really important to me, to behave well, with dignity, fairness, calmness, to always think before you speak. I work really hard to be able to hold my head high in society.

Well, someone who threatens to say bad things about me to other people really triggers me. I feel like a child, 'please believe me, please believe me'.

I think I've learnt how to deal with this now, at least from how it would seem from the outside looking in, even if I still get upset by it. Hopefully, eventually, I'll get the hang of it, and feel like I'm on solid ground within.

Originally Posted By: 1Healing

The holidays are a rough time for me this yr. Last yr wasn't even as bad. I guess I'm finally about to hit bottom.. then I will be able to build again. Since he's been gone it's yet been just outter repairs/ the ability for me to rebuild on friendships etc has not even begun really. There are some yes, & the supports are yet scattered but my limitations I guess he also used against me.. he seemed to take me from that which I knew then walk away.. They have such self annointed powers of which are so destructive. I'm sad lately for myself.. I feel sickened what he has done to his own life & that he destroyed mine.. nothing matters to him.


That's exactly right, nothing matters to them. What a sad, limited life they have! They know nothing of the joy of friendship, of genuine sharing, of happiness in another's success (whatever that may be).

It's only now, in advanced middle age, that I feel I have the courage to have friends. I don't feel sad about it though.

Originally Posted By: 1Healing

I'm glad you weren't upset, I do realize there are varying beliefs/ it does bother me when someone forces theirs on me.. I know even amongst Christians there are a lot of different thoughts & ways .. I've seen The worst fighting on a Christian forum I have ever witnessed. LOL I still consider myself Christian.. but I'm careful too where I post. It is an outlet & since I'm home quite a bit it helps me to connect.


Absolutely no offence taken. We all find our own ways through all of this. And if it works for us, it's right for us. It's not for another to judge smile
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 11/21/11 06:23 PM

I have had a couple of professionals recommend a light box for lifting depression. Where I am living now the weather stinks, more winter than summer. I think it is actually helping.

I found a great deal on one at Amazon, normally they run around $150 but found the same one that was recommended for $80.00 including shipping. If anyone wants the information I can post it. I have been using it for the last week and some of the fog seems to be lifting.

Di
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 11/29/11 01:41 AM

I got this quote today, and wanted to share with all of you:

"True love of self entails a profound acceptance of ourselves--returning to Presence and settling into ourselves as we actually are without attempting to change our experience."
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/29/11 07:10 AM

That makes sense Newbird. I always felt that ex h was happy with me, that he felt peaceful but continually was trying to rewrite his reality. I feel @ peace in myself.. am trying to not make changes that are unnescessary or which will throw me off kilter too much.

The healing from this trauma, all of the loss, changes/abuse in regards, takes time to heal from. I know exercise helps me too to keep a center to myself. Lately I've started journaling again which seems to help me also in reordering of my life.

I agree being in the PRESENT helps. I think too it's allowing God To Be In Charge, His Will Be Done!

Nice quote, thanks for sharing it!

Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 11/29/11 11:48 AM

To be honest, I haven't been feeling well those few past days. Some memories came rushing back, and it made me wonder again. All the doubt, the feelings came back. Not that strong though, but still... it hurts a little bit.
I was looking for some stuff and found a photo... It made me really sad, and it made me wonder again.

I wanted to post about it, but really had no time, cos I'm working really hard right now (which is good).
Some questions occurred, and I felt really sad again. I even got scared that all the pain would come back.
But I decided to just wait and see. Patience is very important.

And today it came down on me - all the answers... It's clear again. It's amazing though how the Psychopaths create their reality, the perfect, flawless realm... And how it clashes with the reality...

I've been wondering where this weird feeling of pain (I cannot compare it to anything else) comes from. And I found this today:
After all, the truth is WE ALL did love them. We loved the perfect, ideal person. We loved the feeling. And the hardest part is accepting that there is no such thing... There will never be another... There will not be a better one. I instinctively felt it after the brake up and I understand it now. It is a loss of sth we had, not them. It is the loss of a beautiful feeling, that can never be replaced.

And that hurts the most. The world seems sadder without it.

Correct me if I'm wrong here:)


I was also reflecting on my other relationships, and how this one was different. And I realized, with the others, it was... normal. With him, it was one huge battle. And strangest feelings, really bad feelings that controlled me and scared my soul.



No matter how many regrets though, I know i wouldn't be where I am now had it all not happened to me. So it doesn't really matter in the end. What's important is now.
Posted by: 1Healing

Re: Depression and healing - 11/29/11 04:07 PM

Newbird, it does sound like you are peaceful in yourself & that's good.

I had the weirdest dream (nightmare really) last night .. I haven't had any like this since he left the last time. I dreamed he came back again, but then he was with his ex & I met him somewhere & there they all were, I wanted to ... (nauseated is what it made me).. & he was dumping me yet again,
so I was forced to be homeless again/ had to take the city bus / was so weird/ then this man comes up to me & kisses me, this long kiss &.. reminded me of a very brief date I had with a guy after he left (for real).. there was much attraction between us & def each other's type, he was a cutie.. but I was not ready to date as it was not but 9 months after he left.. timing wasn't right.. that guy kissed me & there were sparks.. (I even told him I wanted to be friends only/ he kiss me anyways.. def sparks!) but I was not ready for a relationship. I am still facing many changes even 2 yrs after this mess (since he left) & more yet to come.. I can relate to not feeling well lately, may be change of season but I am rather worn out. tired of constant changes of which are not upward movement changes thanks to this nightmare.

I've heard a trauma bond is stronger. I hear you too, I was in love with him yet it caused me more grief than I could ever imagine & the last few days I am thinking even, for what?

Good you are busy.. I've got more things going here lately.. I need to deal with what is in front of me, but..
Cute guy at the store yesterday was watching me..that's fun. Maybe it's time for a makeover/new clothes & hairdo.

No, there's nothing like the experience with a Psychopath! Up to the top of mountain then they shove ya off the edge of a cliff. I may be about to land, I hope so. YES, being centered & in the moment, peaceful is a good place to be! Most days I'm there.. I still don't miss him. He didn't want to be here obviously, so nothing to miss!

smile
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 12/04/11 05:02 AM

1Healing, please dont take offence. I am reading what you write and it feels so familiar. But I sense a little bit of denial, you don't miss him. Of course thats just my experience, but I used to tell that myself so many times...
The truth is though, I do miss him. Of course I do. The perfect flawless person I loved so much, I miss. Sometimes I have moments of memories, not even of him but of the places and little things. they make me wonder for a moment.
And it always reminds me that there were things that made me really happy. The feeling connected, that I dont feel now. This innocence. But that was all just what he made me feel, and what I wanted to feel, he made this perfect reality that was too good to be true yet I wanted to believe it simply coz I thought it was worth a try...

Of course I don't miss the guy that hurt me so much. But I miss the fake-one I loved. That's sth that'd been hard to admit, but once I did, I could let go. I realized I don't miss him... I miss this feeling... And it was MINE not his.
And I started looking at the present instead of the past. Did I love him? Yes. Would I want him to be that person he faked to be? Yes. But The reality is different, and he will never be that person. And would I want to be with the guy now? Hell no!

I hope I made this clear:) I dont really know where you are, but looking at your posts I feel you are on a good way and you know with your instincts what to do. Follow them, but never deny your true feelings. I always think its better to sit and cry, even for long, that to try and deny your pain. Coz if its not set free, it will stay inside. Running away doesnt help coz the thing is inside you. You have to find a way to let it all go. And I dont think there is another way than to acknowledge the feelings, and then they can go away.

Anyways, not to sound too sad, I've regained my strength again, and I am soooo happy now! These past week was fenomenal! I feel with every such little "doubt" that comes every now and then, I get s much stronger. So now Im not even scared of them, like I used to be, I am happy that they're still here. Coz they build me up, and everytime I become happy again, I feel like I am even more happy this time. I have so much energy for life, and I do what I love doing.

The most important thing Ive learned from this lesson is to always be patient with things. Good things in life are worth waiting for! Second is to be yourself. Psychopaths deprive you of yourself and you have to find yourself again. But once you do, you will love this person. I was so distroyed by him. And now, I cannot go anywhere without people literally falling in love with me, my personality. But I am just myself, and they love it. Its a great feeling:D I used to be such a mess with him. Now I sometimes get a glimpse of me in some mirror and I am, really, like: "wow, what a great girl". And then I realize it's my reflection... its weird, its like not recognizing ME... But maybe I am not there yet, I still have a lot of work to do... I guess the people already see the great perosn I am, but I still have some trouble believing in myslef... But well, it is still perfect for now:D I feel great!
Posted by: Chloe

Re: Depression and healing - 01/25/12 12:19 PM

Hi Dianne, This is all overwhleming to read. I was in a 9 month relationship with a man who I now know to be a psychopath. He lied and wormed his way in to my life and moved in with in a week of dating me. He was like a paracite. All take but could give nothing back emotionally or in any other way. He lack of compassion was terrifying. I am intelligent and highly educated, I have amazing friends and a great job. I never thought I would be taken in by someone like him. He lied compulsivly and was increadibly violent and abusive. He studied me carefully and used my like and passions to establish a false connection between us He knew I loved animals my dog and cats. So made out he loved animals. But, within months of moving in the way he beat my dog it was very clear he did not love animals, then he started to beat me. I thought i was going mad because he always justified beating me and had a demonic like ability to convince me I was in the wrong. He was extemely manipulative and controlling and very nearly destroyed my life and almost lost me my liberty. i thought I was going insane living with him even though I have always been emotionally strong and stable. He was inceadibly sadistic and was all take. It feels unbelieveable. Becausce when I first met him, he was kind, sensitive, generous and supportive. it was like living with two different people. The police were involved in the end and I had to go to court. It was horrific. He also had an amazing ability to con me out of money and my possessions. The court case finally ended on the 2nd week of Janujary this year. So this is all very new and raw to me. Thankfully, all my friends and my work colleagues and employer have supported me all the way.

It ended very badly with the police removing him from my home. I have read that they hoard women, and I have been warned it is likely he will come back. Surely, that cannot be true can it?
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 01/25/12 01:33 PM

Hi Chloe, I am going to Dr. appts. and will answer tonight.

Yes, they do come back, you sound like you can set boundaries. They do study you and that is how they get into your life. They have an uncanny way of getting information to then turn it against you.

I am sure other members will come along in the meantime and I will answer more in the evening.

You are dealing with pure evil.

Keep in mind they go after kind and caring people. Writing about it can help to get it out of your mind and him out of your life.

Yes they usually have a bunch of women at the same time and move onto the next one quickly. It is like a salesman scanning through their address book with a list of women to ensnare.

I hope you have changed your locks, put in some cameras and do what you can to make sure he doesn't come back to hurt you or your pets. You can get cameras cheap, there is some information here, you can log on from work and see what is going on, take every precaution.

Di
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 02/20/12 09:05 AM

Here in the US, last night the show 60 minutes on CBS had a segment on depression meds and tests done using placebos (sugar pills). Finally the information is hitting the main stream.

Depression medication and placebos

I just went the rounds with the shrink I was seeing last week, it was a tense discussion. Shingles can elevate depression, who wouldn't be depressed. I found out in the last couple of weeks that my symptoms are permanent (severe tinnitus in my ears and pain on my face) my eye is so sensitive to light I have to stay in my room with the curtains pulled, that will heal in time. I just wanted help working through it all. He started in on me about how I should be on mood elevators and meds for depression, when I refused he got quite tense. In their world they view a patient refusing meds as being crazy. I am not crazy and I told him that look at what meds have already done to me. I have permanent blockage in my legs due to a mood stabilizer.

My only hope for the severe nerve damage is acupuncture. I will never take drugs again, it took years off my life, thanks to meds, they will never get me on them as long as I am alive.

The good news is I spent the week-end processing things and will deal with things in my own way without meds or being told I am crazy.

When you get off the meds it takes time for the neurons in your brain to reconnect. That is why people feel lousy without them and are easy to convince to go back on them. A person has to ride it out and the neurons and your brain will need time to heal.

Di
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/19/12 11:32 AM

Can someone help me?! I just found out that is psychopath is seeing someone who lives at my old apt building. Also she works in a local store about a half mile (each direction) from my store and the apt building....funny because she has lots of tatoos I guess and is a chain smoker (both of which he would tell me how much he couldnt stand)....my kids see his truck and him there at the apt building all the time.....And, I have to drive by the store everyday....numerous times....I want to go in the store and warn her...I know I shouldn't say anything...I don't know her...I want call him up and tell him to f off.....so bad. Please help me to not react to this....anybody??!!!!!
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 04/19/12 02:19 PM

Hi becky, Please think this through. I can only tell you what I would do and that would be to steer clear, we all want to protect victims, however in the "honeymoon" state you will only be putting a bulls eye target on your back. It is 100% likely she will tell him what you say.

Can you drive another way to avoid going by there? Please be careful.

It is the hardest thing I have ever had to say to victims in your position over the years, we all want to protect victims but it can backfire.

Please think clearly about what is in your best interest. You are a good and kind person and I know you want to help the next victim but I can assure you it is like going into a gun fight waving a pencil.

Di
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 04/19/12 03:37 PM

Agreed.
I told the next victim, she didn't read to a single word. Normal people will have problems believing you, so the next victim definitely won't. After all, he's probably already told her how crazy you were and how great she is.

It is sad to watch people fall for this person. But if they do, there's nothing you can do.
Inform people around you, spread the word about Psychopaths and what they are. Maybe it will reach her too, and that would be a much better way of helping. People just have to see for themselves.
I know I was hurting a lot that nobody would believe me at that time. They still don't. But I don't care. They are the ones who are gonna get screwed over.
Hell, I was warned also... But I wouldn't listen, he was such a charming guy...
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/19/12 06:03 PM

Hi Dianne! lol....Thanks........your right..I can drive a different way...it will have to be by the first place that I found him cheating on me but, it's old wounds now...I can do this! Thank you sooooooooooo much!
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/19/12 06:53 PM

I know your right....I am so thankful for this forum!.....I just wish I could stop obsessing about it!...Can't wait for that day! Maybe tomorrow!
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 04/19/12 08:09 PM

Hi Becky, NewBird is so right, people just don't believe you. If that were the case we would have no reason to have our community, people would have people to talk to that really believed and supported them in their own world.

Try to practice and I'm not suggesting it will be easy but when you see your thoughts go there, just take a breathe and bring yourself to the present moment.

They tell the new victims terrible things about their past ones to divide and keep everyone from talking and then put themselves in their favorite role of the victims in their own sick minds.

Di
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/20/12 08:26 AM

Thank you Dianne...
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 04/20/12 11:39 AM

Anytime, Becky, we are here for you and understand how frustrating it must be. Frustrating is to call it mildly, you are a strong person and have faith you will keep finding your center.

Di
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/20/12 12:13 PM

Thank you again Dianne...I wish there was a physical place to go talk about all this......Any suggestions to a support group that might touch upon this type of abuse?........
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 04/21/12 09:11 AM

Hi Becky,

Sometimes therapists will take on a few clients without charge. Like anything else it would be important to ask the right questions to make sure you are in the right hands. Some of our members have talked about finding excellent therapists, maybe they might read this and offer some advise how they found them. I know I could have used some of their excellent advise because I got sucked down a rat hole.

I was involved with a group for depression so don't know about abuse groups, frankly I found it more depressing. I liked the other members a lot but found it drained my energy and zapped away my energy of hope to get out of the hole.

You might see if there is an abused woman's shelter in your area who could offer some support, members over the years have found support there.

I hope we can help you also, there is plenty of room here to talk here and we can validate what you are going through.

The best help I found was an excellent Zen teacher who taught me how to get back to my center when my mind felt like it was spinning my head off with the thoughts of what a horrible situation I found myself in. It is a work in progress. In the Resource Section I have a list of some of the books this teacher has published that I found very helpful.

Books to Heal

Di
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/26/12 08:09 AM

Thanks Dianne...... Question....Can't help but feeling (overwhelmingly) that I should warn this woman of his promiscuity...nicely...I told myself long ago that if we ever broke up I was going to warn the woman ....I just can't help but think it's the right thing to do!.....I know she might not believe me and she probably has been told bad things about me...but maybe if she sees i'm normal and nice.....If she wants to continue with the relationship with someone who sleeps around then that's her choice....whether she believes me or not I can't help but feel I should at least warn her .....what do you think...I'm sure you think I shouldn't but please try to convince why...Is this my ego? thanks.
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/26/12 08:15 AM

So you don't think it's a good idea to warn the next victim just about the promiscuity he had in your relationship?...I'm really struggling and I want to at least tell her whether she believes me or not...she works at a local store and a lot of people go in there and know him.......I don't want my name slandered all over town.....I'm a business owner here..Help!! How do I keep my mouth shut? Or should I at least tell her of my experience with his promiscuity and lies about his past victims?
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 04/26/12 09:53 AM

Hi becky, I can "hear" how strongly this is having an effect on you.

I can only say what I would do and that is to hold your head up high and do not tell her anything, like many have said and tried before there is not much of a chance that it will do anything than harm yourself in the end.

I know it is hard but you have to protect yourself. I don't think you want to put yourself back in his firing range. When the next victim is in the honeymoon stage the Psychopath has already set them up with lies about why they are such a victim from their past relationships and only they understand them.

You have yourself to protect in this situation. I would say in a normal situation things could be handled differently but in this kind of situation it is a very bad move, imo.

You now know the truth about what he is and it will be impossible to move on until you are able to be at peace with it being in the past. Don't bring it all back into the present with starting talking. You said you have children and a business, think of yourself and them first.

Please write every time you think it is a good idea and each time we will help and tell you that it isn't a wise move.

We all want to help others but there are situations and these are indeed extreme situations and I can understand your frustrations.

Why not try to make a list to explain why this is a good idea and what would be the possible outcomes. I can say that one outcome won't be good or healthy for you. You are the one who needs to heal and it is a hard enough road and you are heading in the right direction by asking for help here.

Do you want to be back on his radar of evil full force? Telling her would certainly be the outcome of that.

Think of him like a rattlesnake, if you were walking in the woods one day and see one what would a person do? RUN or actually slowly back off and get away.

In their lifetimes Psychopaths ruin more lives than a person can calculate that high, you could spend the rest of your life trying to warn victims or try to heal the horrible damage that it has done in your life.

We can't really help others until we have helped ourselves and are in a healthy place.

Unless someone asks for help, providing unsolicited information in what could become a highly toxic and possibly dangerous situation for YOU would never help you heal.

You may feel like it is good to get it off your chest, do it here, we are here for you. He is out of your life, why ask to have him focus his evil back in your direction? What would you gain.

Di
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/26/12 02:06 PM

Thank you so much for your continued help!.....I hope you know how wonderful it is... You have helped me so much. I know you and everyone here is right.. I hope I didnt already get on his radar by telling a few people in this town that he is a psychopath....I'm no longer doing that....thank God...
But, this woman who lives in my old apt building saw me at the store a wk ago and said "are you still dating that dog?"...(Apparently he's been spending many nights at the same complex with another woman parking in the same parking spot!).....(I cant help but think he's trying to piss me off)....anyway I said no...it's been 3 mos..she said she noticed his truck about 2 mos ago early in the morning...I told her to tell her he's a dog and a psychopath and she could come talk to me if she wanted!!! I really hope she doesnt tell her what I said....The woman who I ran into at the store knew from before he kept cheating on me....It's a small complex with lots of single woman...I'm thinking other woman might warn her too.......maybe not....I just wish it wasn't so close to me....
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 04/26/12 02:48 PM

becky, its totally normal. I was telling people too. It doesnt really matter that they dont listen.What matters is not sitting silent. If it can get you in too much trouble though, its bad. But this is exactly what they do, terrorize. If we give in we lose. I went and told everybody anyway. It did and does feel better I must say. Even with the horrible fear that Ive had it was still worth it.

Its one of these things, where you dont really have a voice, no one can hear you, but we all together do. Its like voting, your vote alone doesnt matter, only once we gather together it can matter something.
Other said, it means something if you look at the bigger picture.

I do not want to encourage you to do anything. But I can understand how you feel.
What I wrote earlier only meant to inform you youre not gonna change anything with that. Really.

But I believe we all will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon. Maybe not soon enough but soon in the end.
That's why I told everyone and I'll keep telling everyone as long as I am able to speak.
Because in situations like this, the first thing you do
is stand up
and tell the truth.
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/26/12 03:16 PM

so wait....your saying as long as I feel safe I could tell......??
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/26/12 03:53 PM

NewBird.....I forgot to mention he carries a gun.....probably not a good idea huh? I don't think he'd do anything though....He does seem to be a coward towards confrontation..
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 04/26/12 06:45 PM

Hi Becky, trying to figure out if he could turn violent is an impossible thing to calculate. It is impossible for us "normal" people to process what goes on in the mind of true evil.

I followed the Lacey Peterson murder trial and I think she must have confronted him the night he murdered her and her unborn child. I would put nothing past evil.

Like NewBird, I spoke out until I was blue in the face and was still back in the same place, no one wanted to believe me. When you mention the word Psychopath all bets are off, people think of the Ted Bundys of the word when they associate the word Psychopath.

It sounds like a great idea but really is it? If I had a chance to play back those years I would have walked away and not fought. People I had known for years believed this evil person so what do you think people do when you try to tell them, they will make you the one who they think is the crazy one in the deal. That is what happened to me, it started to make people think I was crazy.

Di
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 04/27/12 08:36 AM

These people are experts at manipulation, at confrontation. They've spent their entire life working on it, working on it and refining their techniques. It's their life's mission and they make it their area of expertise. You know that already, you've been through it, and have seen it first hand.

They're experts at pitching people against each other. You/them, them/the rest of the world, them/your friends, them/your family, you/your family, you/your friends, you/the rest of the world. They start from the very first millisecond they've checked you out, their ears have pricked up and they've picked you out as a target.

He's already picked her out as a target and he's already pitched her against you, have no doubt at all about that. He's told every single lie about you he can think of that will work on this woman. He's already winning as regards her.

If you step into the arena and take up the challenge, try to wrestle her away from him, you're stepping right into his area of expertise. He'll have done this before, played this scenario before. And it'll only excite him more, as he's got more people to play with.

They do anything to have space inside your head, to have any kind of reaction from you. You want to warn her? That means you've been thinking about him, he's in your head, he's affecting the way your body is reacting (pounding heart, surge of stress hormones). He's winning.

I've been in this situation with my brother, trying to warn him about our dad. It's taken me years to recover, and it still affects me.


Sorry, it's a bit disjointed and I'm a bit incoherent today. I hope it makes sense.
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/27/12 12:58 PM

Dianne I know your right....I feel that......I especially feel he would like nothing more than for me to go tell her something.......I always confronted the ones I found out about when I was seeing him! He told me that's how he knew I loved him so much....and since he realized that he would never do it again....puke! And yes! I looked like the nut case!!
Posted by: TheChallenger

Re: Depression and healing - 04/27/12 01:12 PM

It seems you are in a more unique situation that he doesn't expect you of knowing of his intentions, am I correct?

First of all, the above are quite correct, be careful, really careful, for you will be stepping in to his territory, you need to use your intelligence over his primal instinct of hunting and causing havoc around other people.

Do not tell anyone you know or think he's a psychopath, this is a horrible move, but you can do more as I did, but it's a hard thing. Give him nothing from you, nothing at all, watch your words, and IGNORE him. Try to freeze him out indirectly, avoid him at all costs, but if you do not know if he's aggressive or not, better find it out and arm yourself with something to bring to your own defence if he decides to assault you.

You want to save yourself, your surroundings and friends, do so by getting something on HIM, and disslike him for his actions against others and not yourself, do not say he did this to you or you think, just keep a distance, people make choices like these in the real world, not to hang out with these and these people just because of how they are. Do not give people concrete things, just when you are directly confronted, and when they ask something, use vague words which will confuse HIM..Like emphasize or highlight himself around others, for they love doing that.

Just tell them you do no like him for his personality, do not give him a cause or reason to defend himself, they are masters at that, to twist and bend, give him stuff he can't defend himself against. If you're known as a trustworthy person among your kin, people will start to react, the Psychopath will react as well, and this is where you need to know if he's aggressive or not, for YOU are passing the thinking cap to him and pressing HIM against the wall, this will cause them to react..Some cowers and hide behind lies/words others may even assault you, lies might be said about you, but do not say anything against him, just say I've never done/said that.

You start calling him names or so, or accuse him he will just turn these accusation straight around and use them against you.

For him this is just a game, for you this is dead serious, you need to remember that, only time a Psychopath will react is when he's pressed against a wall or loosing the game, so be extremely careful. You have a chance to take him by suprise and you should use this to your advantage, give him hell, make him feel powerless. To expose a Psychopath is a hard thing and will take time, in my case, it took me nine months with pure hell for myself..But if you decide, as I can't stop you, just advice you, to take him on..Make sure it's for the right reason, for this will go in on you in ways you can not imagine.

I hope my words have helped you and given you some broader sight on things, but I can just say one thing as everyone else says, be careful..and it can't be used enough.
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/27/12 01:16 PM

Wow thanks starry! That really puts it into perspective for me!I called him (left messages) 2x's .1st time was a month and a half after our last conversation that he blew up at me about....just to say sorry things didnt work out and thank you for all the good we had...trying to emphasize good (so the evil would hear me!)..The second was a wk ago to ask if he could leave my sons dirt bike outside so that we could pick it up...which I haven't yet...I was very nice and congratulated him (I said I had heard he had a new girlfriend) and glad he was doing well....I didnt want to give him any idea I was still thinking about him or how much he hurt me.......I did however tell a few people what he did to me and hope that doesnt get back to him ...I hope it doesn't.....I want so bad to move out of this town ....I have a business here it's so hard...He's been in this area his whole life and people know him as the poor guy that just doesn't cut a break with woman..... a real nice guy!
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 04/27/12 04:03 PM

becky, if you're thinking about it, and you have some possibilities, DO!
I just moved out, and Ive never felt better. I finally feel safe. The fear was the worst.
Like Dianne said, once you realize the evil, its terrifying. You can NEVER know what a Psychopath will do. Their mind is not a human mind. Its like a snake, you just cant guess. Logic doesn't apply here.

Remember that there's a lot of time. You WONT change anything right away if you tell. It might even never change anything and make your situation worse. I would only do it if I felt completely safe, and via mail or so, so she doesn't know its you.

Now is the time to think about you. Do everything you can to get away from him. If that means leaving, I'd leave. It's really worth it. The peace of mind. Better YOUR situation and then you can think of others. Now is the time to thing about YOU.
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/27/12 05:42 PM

Thanks challenger....I take your words quite seriously....not sure i'm up for the task...
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/27/12 05:44 PM

Thanks NewBird....I'm seriously thinking about it.....Fresh start sounds great...
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 04/28/12 12:48 PM

I moved to a location where I could have a fresh start. Being a native Californian it was quite a move to go to the center of the country to a new town where no one knew me. It has been the best move of my life, it is a nice quiet town and I don't have to run into anyone who betrayed me or knows my past. I prefer to hassle with the snow and the weather and have a house that costs way less than where I had lived before. Taking the extra financial burden off my back has given me the breathing room to figure out my next move.

It is nice, I don't plan on living here forever but it has worked, the cost of living is sooo much lower and I based my decision based on where I could live and not have the higher cost of living and the stress of seeing people that reminded me of the wicked past.

I remember what someone told me a long time ago, when the spider move so does the web. Now I have been able to work on the web part.

Di
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 04/28/12 12:50 PM

When topics get very popular like this one, when the community wants I can close it and open a continuing section, just let me know.

Di
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 04/30/12 10:33 AM

Thank you Dianne for all your support!....Question...i've been thinking lately....I'm curious to how many people here are from my state....or even town!....Perhaps some of us may be talking about the same person! I don't know I know we need to stay anonymous for our safety sake..........I just wonder...
Posted by: Tang

Re: Depression and healing - 04/30/12 03:34 PM

Hi all
Today i woke up and i felt free and happy,and all day i have felt that way (im wondering if im on the slow part of the rollercoaster) every time my Psychopath enters my mind i just say: God bless him and help him and i wish him well...then i start thinking about something else,and this really works smile atleast for the moment and im holding on to the moment with all my might smile

Im not from the US so in my case nobody here probobly knows my Psychopath,thank god.

Anyway,have a great day!

Tang
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 05/04/12 05:30 PM

hey guys,

I felt really strong need to write today. Im trying to gather my thoughts all day long. Something important I found today, as I was driving to see my old friend, I experienced one of those fleeting moments when I feel really great. I dont get that a lot these days. I realized though - that from all of this the most important thing Ive learned, is patience. Whenever I feel lost or that I cannot bear somethings I remember that this is just now, and SOON it will be over. Its a great way to look at the big picture. It immediately makes me feel better.

So when you feel all those emotions, or really depressed, try and think for a moment, that SOON it will go away. That this is just now. That nothing lasts forever, and that you just jave to go through this to get THERE, whatever that there may be, it is worth getting to:)
Just think that something good is on the way, you just have to walk the way.

It helps me a lot and I wonder if it can help you too.

Whats most important is it calms you down, lets you think clearly. So whenever you feel like talking to your Psychopath. or doing anything like that or whenever you fall in the depression hole of feeling it all just doesnt make any sense, and why even try, just think 'I have the time', 'I can do that later', 'I have this time to grieve now coz SOON it will be good and when its good there is no more time to grieve or be angry or whatever'...

Let me know what you think.
Posted by: NotCrzy

Re: Depression and healing - 05/04/12 06:24 PM

Thanks for all your positive encouragement New Bird
Posted by: starry

Re: Depression and healing - 05/05/12 05:18 AM

I don't know where to post this.

I was talking about stuff with my counsellor yesterday, and she asked me if I had been drugged. I said I didn't know. I've never having taken drugs in my life. I don't know what it feels like. She said she thought it sounded like I had from what I was describing.

She's not the first person to say it. The police asked me the same question, and I remember getting the very strong impression that they thought I definitely had been.

I don't know why, it's no worse than any of the other stuff that happened, but when she said it yesterday, it was so unexpectedly and sharply painful it made me cry.

A small part of me is thinking who would do that to their child? So much premeditation, thinking it up, planning it, getting the drugs from someone or somewhere, finding a time to give them to me without my knowing it and planning what to do with me afterwards.

But today the most part of me doesn't care about what sort of person would do that any more. I'm tired of trying to work out why, I'm tired of all the mental gymnastics, the twisting things round to try and work them out from someone else's perspective.

I don't feel angry or depressed about it, or triggered by it. I'm just bored of it all. It just is what it is. And it's gone, in the past. I want the space in my head for other stuff and I want to enjoy being in my own physical self again.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 05/05/12 07:37 AM

starry, that is so sad to hear.
The WHY questions are probably the worst things, knowing that they're Psychopats answers that only partly. And we have to go on with these questions our life long... Why did they do that in the first place, why to us when we did nothing wrong and oh god the hell why doesnt anybody do anything about it? Its all wrong its all so f.. wrong and nobody wants to make it right...

I'm reading Psychopath NEXT DOOR now, a very good book. In the beginning, the author describes how she has worked with people as a therapist. She writes:

"My trauma patients suffer from a host of torments, incl. chronic anxiety, incapacitating depression and dissociative mental states, and, feeling that their time on earth was unbearable, many of them have come to me after recovering from attempts to commit suicide. Some have been traumatized by natural and man-made disasters such as earthquakes and wars, but most of them have been controlled and psychologically shattered by individual human perpetrators, often Psychopaths-sometimes sociopathic strangers but more typically sociopathic parents, older relatives, or siblings. (...)
I have become convinced that dealing openly and directly with the facts about sociopathy is a matter of urgency for us all."



Why aren't they teaching it at schools yet?
Posted by: JamesWQ

Re: Depression and healing - 06/07/12 12:26 PM

Forgive me for taking up space in this thread..and my posts I did here some time were just rants

I just need somewhere to write...I don't have friends now, there's no one to talk to but that's alright I don't want to

It's been almost a year now since I figured out the game..I was with one who faked being pregnant

I can't get past it. I think of her every day in both good and bad ways, seems I can't stop it. Almost the instant I wake up
For a guy who used to have little to no feelings, I've gone all emotional during this year

I've alienated my friends, some days I don't get up at all. I should probably get treatment but my ego won't let me do it...besides psychiatry is a catch22 in my opinion...if you think you need it, you're not sick enough

I judge myself pretty hard, seeing as I have no life now that's ok

Seeing as I never had a reason to do anything with my life, now I don't again. All the force, the confidence it is gone. With the self respect

My inner critic is telling me I am just whining and dwelling in self pity now so I will stop

I just wonder when she'll contact me again online. Last time was on her birthday in January. She wanted to talk to me because she couldn't forget me and had nice memories of celebrating with me. Sucker as I am I knew it's not good to talk to her. And I don't even know who the [censored] psychopath is still. She was innocent I was the bad guy, she was only abusive because I pushed her to it she said. I guess it really is me..

Have a good day again sorry for this...I apologize for the low self esteem, what ever happened..I don't follow this forum it's just a trigger but I needed somewhere to write down some of what's going on inside. And best of luck to those who are really suffering [censored] these people...I guess me too
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 06/09/12 01:59 PM

Where is everyone???
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/13/12 07:23 AM

I've been reading these posts hopeful still I'm not crazy like the psychopath insists I am, i'm trying to soften my heart to forgive I just can't at this point. Grief yes , I'm in a limbo place sort of pretending it just didn't happen I'm strong I believe his words were numerous times when he would lure and reel me into the den with hopes of it's going to be different this time your the one. Inside my head I've realised he was useing me for his sexual gratification. I feel dumb as a friend said to me how old are you guard your heart can't you see what he is doing the answer is no I couldn't I feel the stupid one for believing him and allowing it to happen if anyones reading this I have a question. Do they get scared cause at times I would go to him listen to his breakdowns he either is a real good actor or hallucinating he was petrified you know what my brain is saying he was scared of himself. Why am I having flashbacks of memories that my head needs to analyse over and over trying to fathom what has happened ? My heart is smashed yet I want justice and peace at the same instant I just can't forgive yet I'm trying but I've got pictures etched burnt in my head I keep saying to myself I'm not a dumb woman why did I let this happen again and again? I just read all the faces of a psychopath definately sexual perversion I just can't believe the police here they know what his done to other women and young ones at that they don't know much about our relationship but why would they not try and help these women he's got away with it I just can't forgive this not yet I was so much a person whom trusted law trusted faith etc etc they have iniolated every cell in my being hope this stops soon the more I learn I know the better bit i'm sick with it ! I'm just overwhelmed with what I'm learning how are they human? They are not? Or they don't want to be ????
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 08/13/12 08:44 PM

Hi whitefeather, welcome to our community. Have been away for awhile so please accept my apology to you and any others that have posted in the last few days, will get caught up in a couple of days.

Please know that you are not the crazy one in the room. That is a pattern that all Psychopaths use to keep a victim feeling badly about themselves and takes the focus off of their bad/hoffific behavior.

I have thought a lot about the concept of forgiveness and feel it is a very individual decision, some things to me are just too much to forgive. However, I think the process of forgiveness can only really be decided upon when we feel more centered and back to ourselves so to speak. I can't say it will be an easy journey but you have made the first huge steps for seeing things as they are.

They exist here on the planet with us with the bodies of "humans" but without a conscience which is in my mind what makes them pure evil.

Di
Posted by: NotCrzy

Re: Depression and healing - 08/14/12 07:15 AM

Hi whitefeather,
I know totally how you feel. I cannot get past these feelings, i think it takes a long long time. Others here have shown it is possible with time and no contact. I still cant stick with no contact...i have tried but he keeps reeling me back, even though he has nothing good to offer me. I also listen to his sob stories, his depression, his fears about his life...what can i say to him? Knowing what he is does make it easier to cope. I definitely am more detached since i discovered that he is a classic Psychopath and since i discovered this group. Keep reading, keep posting your feelings. Learn about classic Psychopath traits and manipulative strategies. understand his behaviour for exactly what it is. Understanding is an important step...even though i am not at a no contact phase i can feel my strings letting go, and when i think about getting to a no contact point again i dont feel so devastated and hopeless as this thought used to make me feel. I kind of feel like i can totally see through everything.

Knowledge has been the most important to me. Also no longer asking "why". The answer is simple: because he is a Psychopath and Psychopath are not normal. There is no point trying to understand anything beyond that, there is no further answer and it serves no point thinking about it.

Someone who doesnt know the Psychopath at all, but knows of his existence in my life was asking me some very prying questions recently. It became evident to them that i do a lot for the Psychopath and they adked me " but what is in it for you?" i was unable to answer, but in my heart i know the answer is absolutely nothing. I would always have thought this is a harsh way to think about a relationship or friendship, but it probably is not, in the end there needs to be *something* in it for both people in any relationship. The only possible thing in this for me anymore is nostalgia, so it is important for me to remember the 99% of interaction that is purely emotional or physical manipulation and abuse. Who wants to be nostalgic about that?

My attitude is changing the power in our relationship, i think he can see that i am starting to not care, his little stunts i just shrug off, i am not as available to jump when he clicks his fingers, i am not getting manipulated into sex i dont want. He can see his power is slipping and i dont think he knows how to hold on. I dont know that he can because i can see right through his behaviour. He will probably disgard me soon, and i will be happy to move on. Yes i will probably have panic moments, but i will try to focus on the fact that he is a Psychopath, they can never be changed and i will be lucky when he is gone.

It is all a slow learning process. Know the people in this forum do understand your feelings totally and are supportive through ups and downs.
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/15/12 04:52 AM

Hi notcrzy and smokey and di,
at the moment I refuse contact I refuse to acknowledge him I'm in a tiny town in Aussie bush there's no way I'm going to get out of seeing it , my anger is not going to turn into compassion because I've said to myself I have to consider it a enemy and my head says it is a enemy forgive it on the grounds it's not human or mentally capable of understanding humanity I have to keep saying to myself it's a enemy. I've read so many posts I cry and cry here I am thinking I'm the only person in the hemisphere who's encountered such a evil being someone portraying such a Christian as well I've realised as well after a friend of mine a solicitor pointed out look at the history every relationship has ended up in court with those in long term relationship he gets away with the ministry church front of counselling and running the woman down, the young man giving me his story of his mothers relationship and her childrens hardship, the girl he was to marry he discarded as a drug Looney but he got her addicted his own son told me get away from him his best friend said guard your heart GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!
His mother said he lies a master deciever . If all these very close people can see what he is I have to consider it as a enemy! Forget them all it's hard cause it's such a close knit community maybe I've outgrown this community but I'm not leaving without a bit of successful revenge and that's all I have to do because I'm starting to see the patterns if I show no empathy no emotional downside no sadness and he finds out I'm successful again happy he won't like it I don't know how else to look at it he knows I'm a successful person I travel I have a bit that he does not he is going to hate it that's his pattern it's my only revenge I guess you call it take the power back. My heart won't be the same ever again I don't know if I can ever trust again but I'm convincing myself he is a enemy to me that's that ! I am sooooo grateful to getting the warnings sometimes itsxthe most unusual types of people that actually care in their unusual ways present themselves for your own sanity. I also appreciate this site yes feelings do you know what it's like over here not to trust services especially in small towns I just still can't believe it it's insane!!!! Thank you so much for encouragement I'm out here on my own doing this it's been one hell of ride but I'm not going to be taken down hope you all have some peace out there !
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/15/12 08:54 AM

Hi di,
thank u for answering I guess I'm looking for reassurance I'm not wrong it does frighten me the thought of your explanation of evilness in human bodies. I do know of such things but not enough, I do know the criminal tacticts and I overlooked them because it was behind church curtains. I'm not a religous fanatic but a person whom was in bereavement i turned to faith as most people do nursing loved ones whom are dying the last thing I anticipated was a ministry of evil I can't believe I got sucked into a vacuum by people I always knew as good people I guess they have to questionxtheir beliefs ultimately in the end cause I know where i stand. I didn't understand how powerful criminology was nor am I saying I fully understand the whole concept of a psychopath is it mental emotional criminal inhuman I can't register it in my head I wrote earlier I have to consider it a enemy it's not dumb quite the psychologist are they not the grandiosed of self righteousness HELL I cannot describe the awful things I've seen or known of this it a death for starters cleverly masked by self addictions no master in disguise can take the blame of a suicide but it taught him the way as for me I've heard I'm just a type of ministry the types that need intervention to wake up get over it and be delivered , I can't believe it he has tried again to bring me down the weirdest thing is I know exactly when it is back in town I'm grateful it's got a job that takes it out of here I just can't understand the stupid connection the heart or soul thing I just know when it's around I can feel it and I wonder if I'm crazy but I know and he knows I know , is any of this sense!!!!!!! No not on a norm what am I dealing with, and I'm determined as all Hell to classify it as a enemy I don't have contact none I never keep the numbers he uses and I've never gone back to his house he won't come here uninvited that's for sure it's bizarr crazy as long as he thinks I'm suffering he's happy this time I'm stronger than before I'm not going to let him win I'm determined more than ever to bring him down I'll not stop and be thrown out of my community it's interesting I even think he had something to do with my work loss I'm starting to realise he holds a fair bit of power amongst them but if you show defeat they love it so I'm going to say no way I might be recuperating or something I just don't know
Posted by: GF of ppaths Father

Re: Depression and healing - 08/15/12 09:33 AM

I'm having a bad day so was just reading through the threads. I'm glad I found this one. I'll try to stay off meds.

My fiance has been on medication since his Psychopath son was arrested in December. We both suffer from guilt. He tries stopping the medication always with the result that he has panick attacks. It is so bad he can't work unless he takes the meds.

I haven't taken anything yet but sometimes feel I should. I have outbursts of anger and incredible stress.

We tried church for awhile then we got bitter and stopped. Every service at some point talks about families and children. We are now basically childless and feel like failures after those services that are supposed to help us. I think we should make an appointment to talk to the pastor about it.

counselling, we have both gone to sessions and they weren't very helpful. The best part of that for me was my counsellor taught me what a psychopath is and that this boy is one. She knows him, she had sessions with him. My fiance had a different counsellor that didn't help. Her techniques drove my fiance further into denial.

drinking, we have both done too much of that

MJ, not allowed where I work, they test for that

exercise, I have started to get on the treadmill every morning and that is helping

Thank you for this thread and the warning. I have been wondering if it is possible to heal without forgiving the Psychopath. ??? How do you forgive someone who in no way feels any remorse?
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/16/12 07:52 AM

Hey there,

I've been round and round on site searching for answers, I'm on a downer today I Just read gf ( the post above sorry my memory real bad) I'm new here too and forgiveness doesn't come easy. From what I'm reading gf don't get into the darkness mate! Yep I once confided in church he got me branded as a pagan hoare I was totally committed to mission life and did five trips overseas in the poorest of places I love the work but in a tiny minded town it has bigger power than me I write my feelings down because I'm so angry with it, I don't understand I felt so strong the other day but I'm sticking to my guns I've cut off every single contact I can think of that might be associated with it guess what that's about half of my community however interestingly enough the other half don't like it( I'm referring to psychopath as it now because I am trying to remain vigilant )

I've made a pack with myself it's hurts me so bad I love his family they said they loved me I've cut them off , I love his kids it took that away one I secretly help with basic food and encouragement to get out of here I havnt heard from them since my last encounter with it I've had to cut them as well, I love his people yes we are from extremely different nations but I've lived with his people more than he knows I've been selective on who I cut off from, I never dreamt in my wildest dreams I would love something like it that is what's bringing me undone I gave it my heart life body etc etc etc but it did not cherish me at all it kills me to think I've allowed this to happen I've lost friends, family, church family, good people because of it, I never dreamt how something could bring a person down this far.

I was standing next to it's church minister today who could not give a damn really except his dollar signs look I forgive these people I really do but after all they have to in the end check their preaching beliefs and get down before the lord too just like I have to they have skeletons in closests all of them but do they think like it I don't know are they accomplices I don't know maybe I'm insane I don't know but I refuse to bow down to anyone that only views a liars lies it has iniolated me to the corners of the ring but I'm not dropping defeat , I reckon it's good for you to do the stuff your doing because you are a good person and you deserve the life we were meant to have.

I don't know any answers I sure as hell am in hell I can only keep waking up in the morning and instead of waking up crying over it I'm waking up with I'm going to love myself today and docthe best I can do. I won't deny I have everyday for four years now prayed for a answer prayed it would tell the truth pray I wasn't being scammed prayed I don't fall prayed I do the right things I've prayed for it him psychopath prayed and prayed I've never got what I asked for? I've had to reprogram my head it is a enemy or I will go stark raving mad I will not notify his next one hey the last 5 didn't bother to notify me 2 of them screwing him 1 to be married to him me just the pagan hoare in hospital with serious infection and miscarried sorry they are all coming out of the same church they all know each other I don't wish any harm on them but what right have I got to walk up to anyone and say hi do you know he was seeing me whilst he started seeing you I guess I don't have the guts but the main reason is I won't allow it to see me anymore .

The horror is this it must be a psychopath how would anyone do these things to so many women I just don't get it and I never will. Some posts have stated the energy gets sucked out of you yes it does I know what will get my strength back and then bang I remember my love for it then I struggle but truth is he it whatever it is did not cherish me , I pray for each and every person here because I care what happens to people I don't know you but I do know how it is I just know I have to keep going I appologise for taking such space I just can't speak it here take care all
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 08/16/12 12:31 PM

Ive been having a few bad days too. Even moments of such an anger that I felt almost like at the beginning of this whole mess I had to go through.
Which reminds me - YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND a Psychopath. EVER.
And when I think how much is wrong with the world and how I could not change that in the next ten lifetimes, it gets me really down. I sometimes feel like there isnt anyone out there who thinks like me - that it is simply wrong to hurt others, and its also wrong to see hurt and not do anything about it, or at least say anything...

I wish I could write you something that would make you feel better, Whitefeather, but I dont feel I can now. All I can tell you is that all of those bad emotions, that you are going through are a bliss. They are a bliss because they tell you whats wrong. They are your inner guide, telling you what you do and dont want. They are your guardian, your inner radar. Listen to them and learn from them. Healing will come, but its up to you to decide how much you learn.

And have you tried reading? (it has helped me a lot, now I bought another book). There are some really great books on psychopathy, that explain the condition (It will help you with all these questions of "why") - Robert Hare's "Without Conscience" is a must!
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/17/12 07:56 AM

Thank you free bird ,

I hear what your saying and I do know you can't hurt anyone it's not right you are a wise person from what I read and have a good heart I am sick today ,I appreciate everything especially your notes I take care of my 19 year old brain trauma drug addicted seizures beautiful son. His head never recuperated from the age of 15 he was addicted to dope and had a car accident with injuries to the base of his brain and eye sockets it's taken four years of post trauma and a bad brain seizure last January which lasted 6 hours the last twelve months he has had two fits but we have managed I needed someone to love me back I didn't know too much out here I havnt been around a lot was married early divorced met my next partner stayed for 16 years he met someone else what can I say?

I was on my own for a long time then I met him and I love him so much I had no idea how any human being could behave this way. I'm sick today crying with depression and broken heart I came face to face with him at the supermarket he looked at me with great sadness almost sorry but put his head down like I was shunned or he felt pity for me I just walked past him and I was raged inside the hatred that poured of me was disgusting I kept together he vanished like thin air I was aware the girls were looking at me I was shaking so much I humiliated myself dropped everything everywhere like a idiot walked out sat in the car stared for about ten minutes at nothing left came home and my son he knows nothing of us in the last twelve months the last time my son and he interacted my friends had to stop him from assaulting he had dropped me in front of my son , my son liked him at that time but he hates him now.

I can't make anyone feel better about their situations except I have had no support except here everyone thinks I'm ok because that's what they want to hear that I'm strong enough look what she copes with. I cannot afford to live in darkness because I do not know what my sons real damage will be so far God has blessed him with clearing up the fits and heavy toxic affects of drug abuse he is almost twenty and just finishing highschool at home his job prospects may come a bit later when proper maturity hits he still is in a zone somedays he can't function others he is fantastic I'm happy he is so polite to most people his deppression days are hard on us both but that ok.

I still look after many people in my secret ways I hope to have a break soon and will go teach kids in outback while school on holidays I'll send my son to my sister for a break I will never stop caring for people never I may have had to pay a price for something I don't understand I'm not that good of a person I've made some big mistakes my judge it's in his hands, I'm a selfish woman to be worried about loving a man who didn't cherish me or his own children so this is good for me to learn I'm not the only person out there like this.

I truly hope you keep well because we have to don't we? I am not so angry today after seeing him just empty but it ok I have a good heart at home for now I'm hopeing he will pass his exams this year and accomplish something he isn't a baby just slower than average but that ok. He is not stupid in predicting danger in a person that's for sure I will get through it I'm not a sorrowful person looking for anything just wanted to be truthfully loved for me. Today as sick as I feel was a good day in ways that I know maybe I am forgiving myself.

Thank you for your kindness in listening to my posts I do not know you but I send you lots of well thoughts and pray for peace take care.
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/18/12 05:38 AM

Truth and reality!

Since being on this site and reading a lot, releasing a lot to people I don't even know my reality has kicked me in the face. I am not ashamed of my life because I have a wonderful son damaged but wonderful at home a good enough family scattered around with many problems themselves.

My reality struck me here under the stars last night early morning that it's for real the man I've given every ounce of my heart body mind spent months years waiting for him to actually say I do is never going to never going to stop lies never going to care for me never going to cherish the things I do for him even given my body to for his use he will never love me truthfully never look after my family he hasn't looked after his own son others have to including me, my reality after seeing him face to face and treating me like I am a stranger of the night he never will say sorry nor be compassionate or be a true man of god that I thought he was at least but reality kicked me today I'm a good woman who had to face hardship again because I chose the wrong person I'm lucky blessed I didn't get what the others got I'm free of disease after now knowing he has been seeing so many again I found the reality today he is back with another one from the past.

Everything I'm reading is correct I'm not a psychologist nor anything major but it's everything he is doing my heart broke again today aAGAIN my reality is truth he is never going to say sorry I'm going to have to find something to help me get through it I thought I could but I can't I won't give in to him again but I hoped he had said I'm sorry after everything I've done for him REALITY kicked me today he is not going to is he??...... I'm so sorry guys for blurping vomiting my heart out I just can't get past living in the same place anymore he has won he knows I would crumble like this he won!

My reality is he won't ever say sorry I just know now it's real ..I don't want to do this anymore medications I've thrown them away I just have to face reality don't I.
Posted by: Emotophobia

Re: Depression and healing - 08/18/12 11:38 PM

Hello, everybody. I am really interested whether you had intrusive thoughts, images, wishes after canceling the relationship with psychopath, whether you had feeling that you would never get rid of him, he would never leave your brain?
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/19/12 07:15 AM

Wish I didn't but yep consumed image words smell I call it in my case sung to guess it depends where you come from I used to look at it as a cultural but now I just know it as evil
Posted by: NotCrzy

Re: Depression and healing - 08/19/12 07:21 AM

Almost constantly, every time I have tried no contact. The longest peiod of time I have had no contact was about 6 months and i thought about him every single day. Sometimes obsessively. Usually checking my phone/email every hour (even though i didnt want to hear fom him).

I havent had a boken relationship with anyone else for a long time, but i dont remember obsessive thinking, i dont know if it is normal to think about someone for hours every day six months on. I am assuming it isnt, and this is a feature of the Psychopaths manipulation and the way they make you feel like you are nothing without them.

Yes it is like a brain invasion. For me it was hell, and i ended up going back.
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/19/12 08:16 AM

Maybe you can just love someone so much their a part of you who knows the psalm says it all bout fear I also think now in one week of trying to work out what's happened too much pain in a heart doesn't go easily or fast
Posted by: Emotophobia

Re: Depression and healing - 08/19/12 03:00 PM

Thanks everyone for answering my questions. I think that I have not had obsessive thinking about my boyfriends, except psychopath. I was very confused: I started to sympathize with him after I ended up relationship once again. Six months, 11 days after no contact. He tried to contact me yesterday and I finally understood that thinking that I was missing him, or I loved him for this six month was full self - deception. I was totally brainwashed. He tried to convince me that he was the ONE whom I would have loved for whole my life. This was one of the disturbing thought I had. Now I believe that it was pure product of manipulation. I thought I would never live without his messages, Skype chats and so on. Now I think that it is total delusion. The evil is that you are constantly experiencing the answers you have already found. The mental image of psychopath changes from total evil to totally kind, innocent person. This is tricky unless you realize that it is pure manipulation.
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/20/12 06:24 AM

Reading post about understanding manipulation I've never imagined it can broaden further I had a total out blue visit from parents and noted they didn't want to speak about things only when they felt like it I wasn't rude just sat with pain on my face behaved myself to elders as good person should just pain on my face as it was explained how ill everyone is and how much worry they have etc etc I just sat no comments just pain on my face it was explained in their terms only he is having tests for brain, schitsophrenis, chemical disturbances etc etc I wasn't allowed to comment really didn't have the opportunity as I was told I just had pain on my face and I would not speak at all. I just wanted to say behaviour excuses and of course I will be the four year relationship brain disturbance or mental health he didn't know he had all the abuse sex offences violence and non caring just put it down to brain problem understanding what I read on this site it's very real but how do you explain the heart of a human a human heart feels it's known to swell when broken a physical bi condition of emotion etc etc the parents are sent just to see how I'm doing???? The soften your heart syndrome I don't know if I'm numbed of compassion for them all inva week of trying to get over another huge discard of their beloved righteous son I'm expected to fathom this in my depression of being broken again I suppose my grief of miscarriage whilst his twenty year old was drugging herself up and I had her infection was a mental health didn't know what I was doing moment too? I'm waiting and watching I've kept no contact very seriously with all of them I've been put into a she's a bit strange don't you think category all over town I can't find work I'm paranoid everyone knows and thinks it's me he certainly is going to get away with it I can see it coming sooo what happens if they don't find anything what then will be the exude I wonder, which one does he then blame the discard the groomed the I must marry (I'm the discard) the one floating on a visa oh my gosh manipulation at it's best Does this stop???? Or is this part of it all town and people manipulation persecution is this the way they totally get rid of the discarded discards I'm trying to remain normal through this don't know if it's possible! But I'm trying
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/23/12 12:19 AM

Thanks to a lot of wisdom here I have read, seen my counsellor, seen police and reported, tried to speak to girl whom psycho with but she told me I'm old hag to go and die( I tried) psycho followed me round especially in public places so I went and spoke to a officer from another town he warned me his records and offenses are very bad so indeed everything is right I also had another meeting with parents of psycho and had to be a bit blunt that I would call police if I get harrassed it sad he has used all of them and me to cover his tracks there is nothing more I can do but release him from my mind I now travel to other centres to find peace I remain a faithful parent and have now looked at reality truth and I'm never going back I'm grateful to this site as I didn't know anything about what I was dealing with sometimes we r just sent to places for help. I'm going to forgive eventually however I won't forget I still weep for what I'm just not understanding I'm very grateful a young man proud youth saved me from another year of abuse. Thank you all who helped me see what I didn't know .
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 08/24/12 06:20 AM

Keep reading and keep looking, the knowledge never ends:)
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 08/24/12 09:24 PM

I will thank you, I have to for safety. I have realised that for not just myself but my son as well.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 08/25/12 02:05 PM

Hi GF of ppaths Father, sorry for the delay in responding.

I was put on medication after a horrific dealing with a Corporate Psychopath which dropped me to the bottom of the well. I didn't escape them (the medications and so called depression experts/shrinks for close to 14 years, the pills kept rolling, first it was anti-depressants then mood stabilizers etc. My wake up call when the medications caused a serious and permanent blood disorder. I have researched this subject extensively. What happens is the medications for depressions for starters work as well as sugar pills but they adjust and play with your brains neurons. That is why when a person stops they think they need to go back on them. It takes the brain time to re-adjust. In my case after so many years it has taken over a year for that to happen. It was traced to the "mood stabilizer" and it was a run for my life to escape the scare tactics that were used to convince me that I would have to keep taking them, they suggested another medication with "less side effects". When I refused I was treated like a crazy person and shut out by the shrink and neuro surgeon who pin pointed the medication. Their standard line is that "they all have side effects". Mine was so bad that at the same time as my blood went whacky I was actually having visual effects, things moving around etc. That was because the neurons in my brain were so out of whack, it was truly the most scary experience of my life.

I feel fortunate that I escaped without permanent brain damage. I have seen a couple of UTubes put up by people who didn't stop and now are suffering with brain damage.

I would suggest you do a UTube search for a Dr. Peter Breggin, he is a Harvard educated shrink who specializes in the effects of the pill to "help" us but has some very researched facts on why they won't.

It all boils down to money, pills, imo are not the answer. I don't say this to suggest that people just go off their medication without slowly getting off them because I tried that and things got really crazy.

I think forgiveness is way blown out of the real way of thinking. I think in order to forgive a person has to be in a healed position and think about forgiving themselves for what has happened.

Trying to forgive someone when a person is in the middle of terror and dealing with pure evil is a step that may sound good but it takes healing first to make that personal decision to forgive.

Di
Posted by: FriedaB

Re: Depression and healing - 08/27/12 09:33 PM

Originally Posted By: GF of ppaths Father
How do you forgive someone who in no way feels any remorse?


This is where I am stuck also...
Posted by: FriedaB

Re: Depression and healing - 08/27/12 09:45 PM

Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
I moved to a location where I could have a fresh start. Being a native Californian it was quite a move to go to the center of the country to a new town where no one knew me. It has been the best move of my life, it is a nice quiet town and I don't have to run into anyone who betrayed me or knows my past. I prefer to hassle with the snow and the weather and have a house that costs way less than where I had lived before. Taking the extra financial burden off my back has given me the breathing room to figure out my next move.

It is nice, I don't plan on living here forever but it has worked, the cost of living is sooo much lower and I based my decision based on where I could live and not have the higher cost of living and the stress of seeing people that reminded me of the wicked past.

I remember what someone told me a long time ago, when the spider move so does the web. Now I have been able to work on the web part.

Di



Oh, how funny, Di...I made the opposite move. Psychopath is 1900 miles away now...

Do you ever miss Cali? I dont care for cold weather myself...will take palm trees anyday =)
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 09/18/12 01:32 AM

I recently heard a line that I wanted to share with you:
"Its not that time heals everything, its just that time makes you get used to the pain."

What do you think? Its kinda sad, and seems kinda true...
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 09/18/12 04:07 AM

Sorry if I upset anyone on this site I am not good at finding threads etc so I don't mean anything personal to anyone just looking for help and I've been through a lot yes I understand my weakness of no contact my stupid heart gave way to a woman I knew for twenty years. Laws in this country may be a bit different to the states. I found this site amongst help sites I'm not sure how but I did. I may not be a strong enough person yet or maybe I took avpost the wrong way however it doesn't matter. My life has been destroyed and I'm learning the best way I can with what I've got so thank you anyway
Posted by: Whitefeather

Re: Depression and healing - 09/20/12 08:51 AM

Back to counselling

the past few months have been what I term walking on glass, from isolation learning what hatred is trying self control no contact to superwoman to compassionate towards other victims to understanding accomplices phychopaths world of abuse really hit me or I say stabbed me today.

I'm not a coward when it comes to saying what's happened to me I'm unfortunately a raped person however I don't sit lightly on being a victim I term myself a survivor. My confused and state of coming out of I believe brainwashing on many different levels apparently has raised questions. In a tiny town living in small community when you are unseen it raises questions I guess?

Today I learnt how possibly I really escaped terror from this psychopath whom once upon a short time ago I loved with my heart thank god not my soul. The gf whom was placed in care rehab slashed her face to pieces I'm unsure how she is going now, today I had the opportunity to spill the beans on this dog (sorry if offends anyone) I told a leader in the system of pastoral care this now will more than likely be taken forward to other church boards and I'm guessing a panel of people I don't know how their system works. Thankfully this person has some power in a small community one doesn't want these problems exposed!!!! But the mention of a barrister well I'm sorry there are laws to uphold on violence against women and children.

My case who knows all I can say is because I was blinded by a fake relationship I may not recieve much justice but I'm sort of seeing they want some evidence well it's time they start looking further into their church and either getting rid of or placing appropriate charges. I really don't know why this happened today my encounter seems like waking up fromva dream or brainwashed type if spell I've never ever been so confused or enraged in my life. I have been a victim of a sex offender self gratifying mongrel dog that I foolishily believed lies all lies, his girl from the past brutally smashed face once so beautiful now never seen rarely seen anywhere the next me just lies of being the one in his life used for his pleasure so stressed from rehabilitating him over and over miscarried then discarded emotionally abused , the gf whom he was marrying whilst seeing me drugged back on drugs slit wrists now her face what next will it take!!!!!!!

There are three more yet still in his lure ! I read here keep reading and learning , well I had to do a soul search in my rage of no contact and hypervigilant and I don't care mode another breaking point of getting this psychopath dog off the street I now know why the mother wants to make sure I'm ok so the dog doesn't go to jail again how do they get away with it well I've reported every avenue now and stated my barrister has my statement I may not be liked soon and might have to get a loan to go theve already kicked my car scratched it made my sons life impossible and mine through community lies.

I don't want revenge I just want the dog to know what it feels like to be pinned down spat upon and humiliated I just don't care is my way of saying to hell with it sometimes I give up sometimes I will fight. So it's now nearly four months this is my first ever understanding of what i've been dealing with I just can't believe I've been around this for four years and didn't know how really dangerous and harmfulcthey are.

Every thing I've read about the cycle of psychopath the types of psychopath has been full on right. I stopped blaming myself today after hearing this about this girl whom is a lot younger than me it sickens me and I felt like dyeing what would of happened to me if I didn't listen to that young man and his warning story what of the next one?? Well I decided to go back to counsellor I know it's going to take a long time I thought I would be tougher but I'm not. There is no way I will ever let this dog again into my life I just can't comprehend how sick and twisted this all is !

I just don't know how he has got away with it this is like a very bad dream from which I'm waking up from

take care out there
Posted by: newme34

Re: Depression and healing - 09/22/12 08:18 AM

I thought i was doing really well! I had the whole No contact thing going on, life felt like it was getting better.

But unfortuneately the Psychopath is the father of my child. I know to the bottom of my heart that he does not give a damn about her, he uses her to get to me. I have told him to put a routine into place, to collect her at certain times, but instead he turns up when he feels like it in his loud Porshce that the whole neighbourhood can hear. This of course alerts my three year old who then runs around the house screaming daddy! daddy! I once tried to take her to another room, to distract her so i didnt have to open the door but the fall out was unreal. Being three she is to young to understand her fathers manipulation.

After initially telling me that my whole family were scum and that i was a using [censored] and telling me (via text all of this) that he he was leaving me and didnt want to see his daughter ever again (because it hurt him to much) twice in the last two weeks, he has begun to tell me how much we are meant to be together and how much he loves me. Aagh, how sweet. Not. He now thinks the reason we have split up is because he didnt share enough details of his business with me. He then decided that from now on he would talk to me more about work and therefore we should get back together. After refusing his request he told me that no matter what happened we would be together and that was that. That was the last conversation i had with him. He has continued to randomly show up because he wanted to see me, which i declined and sent him on his way. No shouting, no screaming, just a strong refusal and goodbye.

This was working well i thought, until last night. A couple of nights ago i was having a late night chat on the phone with one of my oldest friends. We were gossiping and getting into the good old girly chat. My children were in bed and for the first time i really began to feel like myself again. My friend was looking for a producer she used to sing with and we were surfing the net to see if we could find him ( at one point i even thought i had found him and actually said out loud that i was clever!! A big step for me considering my self worth has been shot to pieces since meeting the Psychopath 4 years ago). Anyway, after the chat i made sure all of the doors were locked and took myself to get ready for bed.

The next day, and only because i am sick and crying because of the flu, i reluctantly agreed to let my daughters father along with her older sisters spend some time together. As i was getting my daughter dressed upstairs my older daughter answered the door and called me downstairs. As i approached him i could see that he had that passive aggressive, self pitying look on his face and i knew there was a problem. Rather then asking him what the matter was, which believe me is what he wanted, i gave him his daughter and sent them on their merry way.

Now here is the part that gets strange about this episode. He calls me ten minutes later. I only answer because he has my daughter. He says to me that he knows what me and my friend were up to last night, that my friend was trying to hook me up with some guy she used to know and that if i want to start going out with her and old boyfriends..... I cut him off there, told him that his is just one of the reasons i will never be with him again and put the phone down.

What disturbs me, is that he was no where near that phone call. Yes he got the jist of the conversation, but i had never told him i dated this guy when i was 17 nearly 20 years ago( brief and uneventful). That was something i had discussed on the phone alone the night before. My computer is permanently on private browsing as im a bit of a conspiracy nut, so how did he get the details of my conversation from when i was alone at home the night before.

As strong as i was feeling in the weeks before, this small thing has shoock me to the core. I had built up the strenghth to leave him, even being homeless for a year whilst the monster dangled a 7 bedroom home in front of us. I had the strength to find us new home and to begin healing myself through counselling. But now, i am sat here seriously considering the fact that this man bugged my home somehow.

My life is quiet now you see. I dont date, go to clubs or pubs. I dont even have friends round anymore as he always found a way to tell me that they were a) coming on to him or b)he behaves in a passive agressive mannor by being sulky and quiet, non communucative. I dont blame them for avoiding him as he always makes it awkward. So before last night there was nothing for him to comment on. But for whatever reason it was last night, he let it slip that even though he wasnt there he could still hear me, was monitoring me somehow.

I actually dont understand how i am feeling about this. More than i am angry. I am numb. I feel as though i cant speak or move freely in my own home. I could go to the police, but with what evidence? Just as i thought i had freed myself from this Psychopath it seems as though it was all an illusion, and he has been there watching and listening the whole time.
Posted by: Smokey

Re: Depression and healing - 09/22/12 04:39 PM

Hi Newme34.
I used to see a Psychopath who did this all the time (pre Facebook days). He would indeed snoop, stalk me and ask mutual friends and acquaintances about me but on top of that he was a very accurate (and inspired) guesser and reader of people's verbal and physical reactions, as so many of these manipulative Psychopaths are.

On one occasion my Psychopath got a friend of his to ask me out, on the phone, while he listened in on the other end, with his friend, all unknown to me, to test what I would say.

Of course I passed the test,saying no thank you I already have a boyfriend, when his friend asked me who my boyfriend was and what he was like. But what normal man behaves like that? This is merely one example of his behaviour.

He would make an informed guess about something he wanted to known, suspected or had a hunch about.

He would laugh it off if he was wrong, but instantly read the confirmation if he was write.
He would pretend to know something to trick me (and others) into talk about something, or confirming something, by tricking the person into thinking that they were not telling him anything he didn't already know.

He would play people off against each other by telling one person another person had said something, and again he would guess right and get the information from one person, by pretending he already knew from the other person.

In this case I suspect your daughter said something that she didn't know she knew. Even just "Mummy was laughing last night".

If he is the jealous, controlling type (what Psychopath isn't?!) his first guess is likely to be another guy, then the trick (lucky guess?) of pretending he knew.

It was incredible how accurate my Psychopaths guesses constantly were, not just with me but with other people too.
Posted by: newme34

Re: Depression and healing - 09/23/12 12:27 AM

Thanks smokey. Its so crap to think that you cant even have a conversation without it getting back to the Psychopath. Honestly, this situation is about to make me religious!!
Posted by: lola

Re: Depression and healing - 10/05/12 01:33 AM

Hi im lola from the uk x
thank god iv found you all. Iv felt mad bad crazy and alone.

Before i realized he was mad bad crazy and alone and it actually wasnt me i was saying things iv read on here without even knowing what,or who i was dealing with.Today is the day my healing starts. I knew that today before i even found you lot because I calmly shook his hand in a buisiness manner and walked away from him. I know exactly who he is and what im dealing with now and he knows i know... But ....i know he will be back...i just have some time now to prepare because i have had to be one step ahead and i know when he kicks me down and i loose my footing..then...im down and i have no idea how long it will take to stand up and fight again...i have been in battle...no other word for it...but reading your posts i have to realise now that i cannot possibly win.

In fact to loose...to us...we have to see as a victory.
All i know is i must try to keep it simple.
For me i suddenly knew what was happening and i basically telephoned god..i had lost my conciouse contact and realised that i needed help..

That contact although not strong had been with me for 16 years after being in rehab..it never left me and i maintained it up until meeting the Physco..I had a profound spiritual experience recently which gave me the armour to fight even though i didnt understand the battle...I told him it was really quite simple...he had a choice...To either live and function on the dark side...or...live in the light...he saw that as me giving him choices and not quite simply a easy choice which God gave all mankind...he chose the dark side...And again quite simply i will now leave him there because it is where he is comfortable and where he is supposed to be right now.

Im under no illusion that soon though his power and inflated ego will diminish and he will seek help from those in the light because they have what he doesnt posses. They have love in there hearts, friends, family, and of course money..He, i now realise'is jelouse of my very being and who i am and to destroy that is to him power and victory so i know it will not be long before he returns..but i have a little time and i have God by my side and so far im doing ok...i sometimes have to laugh because by rights i should be either dead either by his hand or by my own self distruction or failing that i should be in the local nut house...im here...im sane...and i know none of this is my fault...just like a purse being snatched away..someone took my life,my heart and my dignity....but the bastard never got my soul...i gave that to the lord long ago and it was in safe hands...he never saw that one coming and its floored the evil toad..but i cant laugh because im playing a very dangerouse game by all accounts so need to be on here and get alot of advise...thank you all so much iv been on here reading for 6 hours and although i have my faith and have held on with hands clenched i also feel now that i have arrived in a safe home...with fellow suffers who know exactly where im coming from xxxxx
God bless you all xxx
Posted by: Gary92

Re: Depression and healing - 10/20/12 09:38 PM

Dianne could I message you in private? When I try to PM you it says the feature is disabled.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 10/20/12 10:03 PM

Hi Gary, the PM is not activated due to privacy concerns for the members. You are more than welcome to email me:

dianne77@msn.com
dianne@psychopath-research.com

I was just getting ready to post some suggestions but will wait to hear from you. I know it is a tough road out, I was tossed out of my home without any higher education etc. many, many years ago but managed, it wasn't easy but it is possible. I would suspect you have PTSD and that can really cloud seeing anything positive happening.

Di
Posted by: Gary92

Re: Depression and healing - 10/20/12 10:21 PM

Thank you Dianne. I know I have PSTD some how and some way. It would explain being tense all the time, and just lately things have been really bad. Shaky hands, along with my heart conditions, I don't know if I can handle stress anymore. I feel drained every day.
Posted by: Smokey

Re: Depression and healing - 10/21/12 05:23 PM

The effort of dealing with all their deliberately-created dramas and trying to make sense of their gaslighting and carefully-cultivated confusion is very, very draining, not to mention the weariness arising from the constant assault on your self esteem, character and psyche/spirit. frown

I hope you can escape and heal
Posted by: Gary92

Re: Depression and healing - 10/21/12 08:24 PM

Originally Posted By: Smokey
The effort of dealing with all their deliberately-created dramas and trying to make sense of their gaslighting and carefully-cultivated confusion is very, very draining, not to mention the weariness arising from the constant assault on your self esteem, character and psyche/spirit. frown

I hope you can escape and heal



This is essentially my problem at home, and I am just done with it. I'm 20 now and have grew up watching my father abuse my mother. He literally tries to make her lose her mind. Today it was over her medicine that he did something with and tried to convince her he took it, but then turned around and says "I can do whatever the F I want to" so where did the medicine go???

I notice that over the last 2 years, my father has been smoking a lot, and whenever there's a fight, he'll smoke whatever is left or a carton, sometimes a whole carton (or 2).

I pray we can leave one day soon.
Posted by: Teresa

Re: Depression and healing - 10/26/12 07:29 PM

This is difficult for me. I am a private person and I don't air my dirty laundry, but I have concluded that I have effectively isolated myself. Reading the posts here have made me realize that there may be someone who would understand and actually believe me when I say that my ex really did do these things. He is a master at hiding his affliction and everyone who has ever come into contact with him thinks he is the greatest person ever. I was a self-sufficient single mother with a good job, excellent credit, money in the bank, and I owned my own home when we met. He prayed upon my compassion with such skill that I never realized what was happening. I fell in love with the man I thought he was trying to be, and I believed that the man I was in love with was his true self. Everything else was his inability to deal with his "terrible upbringing" (which I later found out didn't really happen.) I took him in, took care of him, his two children, my child, and the child we had together. It was when I became pregnant with our child that the abuse became noticeable and I started to worry about our relationship, but I kept positive and vowed that I would make this marriage work, no matter what it took. Between the excuses he made, and the excuses I made, I told myself it would get better. It is still inconceivable to me that I suffered 23 years of abuse. I am not "the kind of woman" that would allow a man, or anyone else, to abuse me. He left several times over the 23 years, but always came back within a couple of weeks filled with empty promises. He would say he realized he had treated me poorly and swear he would change. As I said, he was a master and always knew exactly what he needed to say to convince me to take him back. And, besides, everyone in our lives knew what a "great man" he was and would tell me I'd be a fool not to make this work. After 23 years, his abuse turned physical. After he attacked me, of course leaving no bruises for proof, he left for the last time to "find his happiness." That was the last day he spoke to me, 2 1/2 years ago. He has used the financial mess he created to "excuse" his leaving when talking to other people, and the fact that I now must file bankruptcy (due to the marital debt) just adds fuel to his claim. The divorce was final a year ago, but he continues to file pleadings in court - still trying to control me and prevent me from moving past that life.

His abandonment left me destroyed and I sought therapy. It was only when my therapist told me what I had been dealing with all those years that I realized the truth, and how much of myself I had allowed him to take. I have felt depression, guilt, sadness, anger, hatred, loneliness, and helplessness. All of these emotions were new to me and I have struggled with each one of them. I have now reached the point that I need to forgive. Forgiving him will never happen, but I need to forgive myself and become that whole person I was 25 years ago. I fear that I will never have the opportunity to participate in a real loving relationship. I am angry that I allowed him to destroy me financially, but even more that I allowed him to beat me down into a shell of a woman. I am angry that I allowed his influence on my children, who are now grown. I am angry that I wasn't the mother I wanted to be because I allowed him to control our lives. I am angry that I wasted so many years of life on him, and I don't want to allow him one more day. Sex was his favorite tool, and his abuse has left me both physically and emotionally incapable of performing. It is difficult for me to admit that I am a victim, especially since he played the victim so well for all those years, but they say it's the first step. I wish there was a 12 step program for this, as there is alcoholism. It seems I should know how to navigate through all of this and survive, but it's as though that knowledge is a vague memory and I can't quite recall the details. At this point, I would welcome any comments and/or advice.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 10/27/12 04:28 PM

Hi Theresa!

First and foremost - welcome to the forum!
I am really sorry you had to spend so much of your life with this creep.
But I can feel a lot of wisdom and clarity in what you say, so I think you are a really strong person. You see the things for what they are. Maybe it's the time passed (2 1/2 years is a lot).
It's a terrible thing and we all here know what it means to be caught up in the psychopaths net, to be going back and forth, to be questioning yourself. To be denied by others. And to doubt the sense of building relationships.

But I have to tell you, you are really really smart. It must have taken a lot of sanity to get through the situation you describe. Kids, marriage, mortgage... That's hell lot!

Think about it - you've been through hell. Most people in your place brake down, give up. Many fall back into another relationship with a psycho.
But you are not one of them. You are one of us - the few who didn't just rest there and took things as they were presented to them. You asked questions, you learned. And you're gonna learn even more, here and from people around you.

Experiencing psychopathy is a horrible thing, and you have every right to feel devastated. As a matter of fact, psychologists themselves rate it as high in the amount of trauma they cause (comparing it to experiencing earthquakes, loss of family, even war - the symptoms are the same if not worse!).

But on the other hand, we all somehow made it. And because we did, there is a wonderful conclusion that our bodies and minds are able to recover from this. We are able not only to survive, but to learn and go on. And keep that knowledge to protect ourselves.
I hope you feel at least a little stronger than you did when you were with the psycho or at the beginning of your healing. It will only get better.

And as for relationships. It's not easy to find kind people in the world where psychopathy is actually praised and longed for. But most of the people are good. And I've learned, that once you remove the people who don't deserve to be in your life, the good ones will find their way. And this is actually all you have to do - remove the ones who don't belong. Remove the noise from your life. The world has a natural way of filling up the empty spaces somehow. But it is only when you make room for something that it will come along.
Don't be afraid to cut the things that hold you down. I have done that and it has not once failed. Sure sometimes you have to wait, you have to try new people, new places, new things. But that's just what it's all about - trying. If you keep going, if you're patient, the right things just come along. All by themselves.

So don't loose hope, because there are many here who are living proof, that life after psychopathy is not just beautiful and wonderful again. It is better, because it's mature, honest, filled with love and pride of your own self, and most important - fearless.
Posted by: Teresa

Re: Depression and healing - 10/29/12 07:53 PM

@Freebird - Thank you so much for your reply to my post. Your encouragement means so much.

"I think you are a really strong person. You see the things for what they are."

I've always thought that was true, but it is difficult to reconcile that perception of me with the person who allowed my ex to not only control, but also to destroy my life and my family, and live as I did for 23 years.

"Building relationships" is something that terrifies me now. I question my judgment and have had two different men stalk me since my ex left. It seems as if I am a magnet that attracts the psychopaths. As I've said before, I am a very private person, and keep to myself most of the time. I don't understand why this particular type of person feels the need to try to force themselves into my life.

I agree that I've been through hell. My therapist told me that what I was going through was worse than experiencing the death of a loved one. I honestly don't think I would survive another so-called relationship like that.

Your comment about finding good people really hit home. You are right, the world does praise psychopathy, and maybe that's why the majority of the people seem to be psychopaths. So here's a question for you - how do you find people that aren't, and how do you know the difference?
Posted by: becky

Re: Depression and healing - 10/30/12 12:48 PM

Hi Everyone! I just wanted you to know i'm still here.... on this journey of recovery....with all of you. I have not had any contact with the psychopath. I can't believe the trauma I experienced and how it has spilled over into every part of my life.......I thank you all for being here and love you all..I just can't talk about things right now....blessings
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 11/01/12 05:20 PM

Becky! Glad you're back! And so proud of you!!

Theresa - there is no way to tell straight away if someone is a psyhcopath. I am really sorry you had yet more terrible experience, but I gotta tell you this- after what my psychopath did to me, I had fake "friends" around me too who turned out to be psychopathic as well. I got to the same conclusions - that I attract psychopaths.

It was a horrible time, as you know, because you stop trusting anyone, even yourself. For me the breaking point was when I got closer to my old friend from high school (who knew about psychopathy and really helped me).

I cannot tell you how spot a psychopath, I wish I could. The only way to deal with ppl for me now is to wait and see. Watch them behave. I found out that if sth doesnt feel right, it probably isnt right. So I dont wonder much why someone is like this or why they behaved like that. If sb does sth I dont accept- out with them. I dont care. My life is way to valuable to waste it on figuring other ppls problems. Sometimes we all get angry, sometimes we all are upset. But its moments, days, weeks maybe. And then we feel stupid and we APOLOGIZE. A psycho never apologizes. I recently cut off a "friend" who got really close to me because I notice he was manipulating me. If it was years ago, I would probably be sad as hell and try to figure out whats wrong. Now I dont care. He acts as a hurt person, but I dont care. Thats just what I do, you dont get second chances with me. Screw up, and youre gone.

If it helps you - read Psychopath next door. Its the best book I think. Great one. Because it doesnt focus on the psychopathy itself, but on the "normal" human conscience and somehow, after reading it, I felt incredibly great with being who I am and strong and confident. I realized that no matter how much the psyhcopath manipulated you, hurt you, destroyed you, at the end you will always be the one who really wins, because you can FEEL. A psychopath destroys ppls lives because he cannot feel at all. Sure you feel pain but you can also feel happiness. A psychopath doesnt feel pain, but he also can never feel love, happiness, warmth, compassion... Think of that.

I hope you are doing well. Just take a step each day. Meet new people (but keep your distance). Learn about psyhcopathy. You might not be where you'd like to be now but you are one day closer to that.
Posted by: Nunzio

Re: Depression and healing - 02/25/13 12:19 AM

dI...I AM WILLING AT THIS POINT TO TAKE WHATEVER I NEED. I really need help on this and I am no weakling... Any advise would be so loved you cant immmagine...please
Posted by: brave

Re: Depression and healing - 07/15/13 10:30 AM

I just want to leave a positive note about recovering from depression. I have had mood, and anxiety issues to a severe level since the age of 13.

It has very likely been due to my environment. I have gone to hell and back trying to find the appropriate treatment. I had wanted to give up on psychiatry, but since I have had positive responses to medication and treatment, I decided to give it another go.

I saw a good doctor who sat with me and listened. I have been taking medication for a couple of years now, and I attribute it, along with making better life decisions to my better state of being. Taking medication is not always the route for some people. It can be a long and arduous journey. Despite having crippling anxiety attacks that limited my social life, I fought to not take medication for a while. It does work though. You need to have a good doctor who will sit with you, and not just throw pill after pill at you.

It is still hard for me not to relive those awful times if I recall them. I had erased some posts because it was just too much. I felt guilt and confusion. I wondered if I was just bad, but I know something has been very wrong with my treatment while I was growing up.

It is possible to recover even from the darkest of moments though.

I do wish to reconnect with my mother but I have put it off. A part of me really wants to, and another part of me sees it as a societal expectation- to always respect your mother. It is expected of me to just patch things and make things better. Most people don't see it as a cycle of abuse. I have a friend who is constantly asking me to patch things up with my mother. I can't though. It really is not so simple.
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Depression and healing - 07/29/13 04:10 AM

hey guys! I haven't been active for a while. It is because I've been really busy, finally fully enjoying life once again.

I had an epiphany today. However evil experiencing the psychopath was, I feel blessed. Because reading and learning about psychopathy made me a better stronger person. But mostly because, it made me completely love myself. I could say I am extremely self confident now. There is nothing that I find impossible. I also see other people, and how they struggle with their insecurities etc. and those insecurities are the roots of all of their problems. In my life there is as little problems as can be. I cannot influence everything, but I can influance most of the stuff. I am really happy now.

All of this wouldn't be possible if it wasnt for that experience. The pain is gone, although the scars remain. My PTSD is completely gone now. I feel reborn. It takes time and strength though to get to this place I guess. A lot of strength.

I hope all of you will reach this place soon. I am pretty sure all of you can, you just need to take a step at a time. Don't force it. Listen to your body and your feelings. They are your most precious, hidden weapon. If you learn to trust your instincts and read your feelings and what they tell you, you will become invincible. It is the greatest power.

I am also completely honest with people. I say straight away what I want. In relationships, friendships, and work. And guess what - if you say it you get it. People look at you differently. They respect you like crazy if you just stand up and say what you think and what you want. So go ahead and do it!
Posted by: crocodile

Re: Depression and healing - 07/29/13 01:44 PM

Thank's for that FreeBird. It's so uplifting and I'm so happy for you.
That's also one think I've learned from my experience with a Psychopath - to be more assertive.
Posted by: Bunnyshy

Re: Depression and healing - 08/23/13 05:09 PM

I keep trying to believe "how blessed I am" to experience the psychopath, gain more knowledge etc. I want to be positive but I am slowly diving into a depression. We were only together 4 months...I am blessed that way, as I caught on to what he was and I left. How can I be this grief stricken from 4 months!? I was single for years so I guess that is what made it a big deal as well. He had nothing to offer other than a great loving persona. I really love that guy (persona). He was 14 years younger and picked me online. Classic "dumb girl on the web", basically. I deserve it! I am now just a number in his "doll collection" on his cell phone. I've been reduced to that like the other 15 or so. I don't know how to stop loving someone who does not exist. This is a major mindf*** for me. Unbearable. DEPRESSED. No contact for a month. Now what? frown
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 08/23/13 08:06 PM

Hi Bunnyshy,

Please try and I totally understand it is a tough one but you did nothing to deserve this evil person in your life. What I have observed over the years is the typical "type" that gets involved in these relationships are usually the nicest kindest people in the world who want to see the good in others. Nothing wrong with that, perhaps just working on being present. A wise teacher told me years ago that when we decide to beat ourselves up it is a matter of which size bat we pick up.

I don't think it matters how long etc., pain is pain. You have every right to feel pain it is such an individual thing I wish I could give you a time frame. The only thing that works for me personally to keep my head from spinning off over evil things in life is to return to my present moment and know I am safe.

I hope by telling your story when you are comfortable will help you process what happened to avoid these people in the future.

Di
Posted by: Bunnyshy

Re: Depression and healing - 08/23/13 09:55 PM

Thank you Di smile

I am so happy you responded. I am going to remember how safe I am from now on like you mentioned. I am very kind, an empath, and was a sucker. Not once in the four months did he say no for a day or time to get together nor cancel on me, so I felt important.

50 text msgs a day, pushed sex from the beginning, hid cell phone as if it were national security, I could never touch or look at it, his tone was "fake nice" from time to time, withheld "good" sex (making me feel ugly, 2nd choice), drove extremely wrecklessly way past normal road rage, tried to start fights with other drivers at red lights, paranoid beyond belief - everyone is a spy and following us, workers installing lights at a diner were "spies", drove my car wrecklessly where the gas pedal stuck, hid his laptop and weird fetishes, very mean to his mom on the phone everyday, punched holes in walls, his military I.D. does not look like him, never met friends or family, lied about a job so I wouldn't know his whereabouts, packed a backpack FULL of clothes to the FAKE JOB, collected new knives every 2 weeks, was giddy sometimes as if he got away with something, lived an hour away yet came over 4 days a week (to get me dependent before discarding i think), tried to gaslight me, scary predatory stare a few times literally felt like he was going to kill and eat me. If I spoke up, he would hide some of these things temporarily.

I thought I could HELP him, make a better life for him, love him. I was not attracted to him at all physically but he mentally stimulated me, if that makes sense. "We are soul mates" he said...lol. What could I be missing of this character? What is there to be depressed about? (well, the good guy doesnt exist)! This is insanity. Di, I am writing down the advice you've given so far. It's good and I feel like it will really help. I cant wait to "get my mind back". Thank you!
Posted by: xela007

Re: Depression and healing - 08/24/13 06:03 AM

Originally Posted By: FreeBird
I had fake "friends" around me too who turned out to be psychopathic as well. I got to the same conclusions - that I attract psychopaths.


You're not the only one that attracts psychopaths, in fact really nice people are prone to be surrounded by psychopaths and sooner get caught in their nets. Why? Because you seem to seek perfection, honesty, you're being overly nice and never saying things straight in the face (that's what psychopaths love - tell them ONLY what they want to hear.

Looking over the years, I can see that I lived with a psychopath dad, brother, two of my ex girlfriends, and possibly my current girlfriend is also a psychopath. She keeps saying that she can't stand her kid because he's fat and ugly like his dad, she even said that I am sort of ugly (I laughed my ass off and told her to piss off) not going out with her ever again. She said a lot of things that makes me believe she is a psychopath. She lives on her sister's money, she has been a parasite for 10 years and she goes to work only because her sister told her to do so and stop staying like a parasite.

I personally will be cautious when making a new relationship, it's damn easy to spot a psychopath (at least for me) right on the first few meetings/dates. They're paranoid, they're controlling, they get angry very easy, the psychopathic stare...... and if you can look a bit in their past it'll be damn easy to spot them. Psychopaths usually have dozens of "failed" relationships, everyone at some point would break up with them, they have no friends (most of them), at least not true friends, they are after profit (easy profit, without too much effort), you'll catch them lying with the smallest unimportant things, they'll smile while being extremely rude to you, some of the nevrotic types would never laugh naturally, they'll only put smirks on their face. Psychopaths would laugh and chit chat about people with handicaps, laugh about fat people on and on, they'll tell you they're the smartest and can achieve anything (even though their day job is something like cleaning up houses, or low paid jobs in factories), they are the best, they are doing a whole lot better than you.. etc etc...

My current psychopath girlfriend once told me that I live in such a poverty why do I keep telling her that I am doing ok? LMAO I have a house, I have decent food, and I dress up on my own money from brands only (and I'm not showing off or anything).... she was just trying to put me down. that's all.. they're envious ..they're jealous for what you have, they get paranoid if they don't have control over you etc etc.....

Another thing a psychopath would do is COMPLAIN COMPLAIN about anything and everything...... if it's a relationship we're talking about, then the relationship is not working just because of YOU! It's never their fault... POOR BASTARDS they don't even know what love is....... so my girlfriend told me that she never ever felt love for someone... that was the lightbulb moment ... another moment was when I speak about real love, my first love relationship (the only one by the way) that you cannot forget.... and she goes like......... come on that was NOT love you're just talking non-sense... I was like ok.... (She's a psychopath)


Don't worry, life goes on, I know it's hard to forgive but you have to at some point, otherwise you're destroying your own mental health and karma, psychopaths are born, psychopaths can't be cured and they don't change... they're just what they are. It's great if you'd be able to detect a psychopath early on, to prevent more harm in your life. The only rule against a psychopath is the "NO CONTACT RULE" - there's no other way but IGNORANCE.

Best, life is good even when it's not going the way you planned, after so much pain the sun should shine once again. Psychopaths are lost people - they sick in the mind even though they don't admit it, and don't want to change. Telling a psychopath that there's something wrong with him or her is like telling someone that is decently normal person that his/her personality is just wrong. They don't comprehend emotions, they live by the instinct now imagine someone that wants just to profit, to eat, tto have sex and to be a parasite (that is the ultimate psychopath).

Xe
Posted by: crocodile

Re: Depression and healing - 08/24/13 06:17 AM

It was same for me - single for years so I fell into him immediately and let him do whatever he liked. I spent over 4 years around him (not all of it in relationship but that doesn't mean he already did not affect my life negatively before we even hooked up). Believe me, you've made a good choice, the best you could have made - I let it last for years and he left me a wreck of my former self, destroyed emotionally, physically and with serious problems with work, friends and family. I remember the strongest feeling I had the moment he dumped me for good was that of relief.

Your asking why you still love him? I also loved him long after he left, I'm still not over him although it's been months. But it would not be different in a normal relationship that ended badly. You are with someone, you love this person and make plans and have dreams and then it falls apart and you are there to start everything again. Even if you don't love the person, breaking up hurts, I've seen it again and again with myself and others - when you're a normal feeling person breaking up a relationship with another person, no matter the nature of it hurts. And it should. It's never a pleasant experience but almost everybody goes through it at least once in their lives. I think I've read it somewhere that after you've had a serious breakup you should wait at least a year before you try another serious relationship. I guess it's different from everyone else and certainly worse after a Psychopath but there is something to it. You can't start anything new when you're still hurt and distrustful and broken. I know if I tried anything now it would be a total disaster. But it gets better every day.
Posted by: crocodile

Re: Depression and healing - 08/24/13 06:25 AM

Originally Posted By: Bunnyshy
I was not attracted to him at all physically but he mentally stimulated me, if that makes sense.

Makes sense. Mine was very attractive to me physically but in the same time what attracted me most was the challenge. I'm usually very good reading people's intentions and telling whom I'll like and can trust from the get go. He wasn't like that. I couldn't see through. And he played a game with me and I loved it until I started to hate it. The game is fun but it has to have some rules and when one side plays by the rules and the other knows none it is a game of destruction. I was attracted to the mystery and the fact that I can't understand his motivation, his emotions, his character. That's because most of what I have seen was a total fake and I haven't even seen it as fake which I'd have normally done. I saw the fake nice part and the true ugly and nothing fitted and it kept me intrigued. And I also did the same thing that everyone tried with a Psychopath (including his current GF) - teach him how to be a decent human being. Guess what, it never worked.

Originally Posted By: xela007

I personally will be cautious when making a new relationship, it's damn easy to spot a psychopath (at least for me) right on the first few meetings/dates. They're paranoid, they're controlling, they get angry very easy, the psychopathic stare...... and if you can look a bit in their past it'll be damn easy to spot them. Psychopaths usually have dozens of "failed" relationships, everyone at some point would break up with them, they have no friends (most of them), at least not true friends, they are after profit (easy profit, without too much effort), you'll catch them lying with the smallest unimportant things, they'll smile while being extremely rude to you, some of the nevrotic types would never laugh naturally, they'll only put smirks on their face. Psychopaths would laugh and chit chat about people with handicaps, laugh about fat people on and on, they'll tell you they're the smartest and can achieve anything (even though their day job is something like cleaning up houses, or low paid jobs in factories), they are the best, they are doing a whole lot better than you.. etc etc...

Best, life is good even when it's not going the way you planned, after so much pain the sun should shine once again. Psychopaths are lost people - they sick in the mind even though they don't admit it, and don't want to change. Telling a psychopath that there's something wrong with him or her is like telling someone that is decently normal person that his/her personality is just wrong. They don't comprehend emotions, they live by the instinct now imagine someone that wants just to profit, to eat, to have sex and to be a parasite (that is the ultimate psychopath).
Xe

You're right to the point - mine did not have all of these behaviours but a good part: starting with the stare. Failed relationships and dozens of girls he slept with and then dumped and humiliated in a hideous way, lying about things and "changing" his mind every time (try to get the Psychopath's true opinion about a subject and then ask him again in 2hrs), smirk on his face (never a true laughter) and meanness - people are fat, stupid, etc. and they're a laughing stock. And he always had to control my emotions - if I felt bad he would lift me up but as soon as I felt happy he would hit me over the head with incredible meanness. And if you asked him about his feeling the answers never made sense: they did not add up with the behaviour, with what he said previously, with anything you know about how people feel and react. It was mind-boggling. I've seen a good advice on this forum: you want a Psychopath to hung up ask him to explain his "feelings". He says he's sorry ask him why, he says he's angry ask him why. And press him to get an answer. For mine I always got the same response: he changed the subject to avoid and answer and if I didn't let him do it he'd get angry and attack me. They know where their Achilles foot is and they'll fight not to let you see it.

But it's not so easy to spot immediately if the guy is clever and mine was, especially if they're not parasitic (if you believe some of them are top CEOs or politicians and I believe some of them can work hard on if they like something, it's just relations to others that are telling). They will alternate between the good and the evil so fast your head spins. I could never say if he's narcissistic or modest, ballsy or shy, caring or a selfish asshole. Inconsistency was my Psychopath's greatest red flag.
And my subconscious knew: I told him dozens of times "you're a robot, you don't have a heart". He would laugh at it and change the subject or tell me I feel too much. Well, now I know I prefer to be my way, thank you very much.

Right now I actually feel sorry for them. It must be a truly empty life indeed. I really prefer to be able to feel the pain but also to be able to love and to laugh and to feel joy and compassion and all of it. They don't know what it is. And you can feel sometimes that they're not all that happy with being themselves, at least mine wasn't. But they don't want to change, why should they - they don't know any better.

I think there is only two rules how you can treat them: first ignore and if you're forced to deal with them: switch off your emotions. While dealing with a Psychopath you have to become one yourself because they'll use your feelings, no matter good or bad, against you and to manipulate you. As soon as you know it you can either let them get what they want or not but it's you who is in control.
Posted by: Bunnyshy

Re: Depression and healing - 08/24/13 12:11 PM

Thank you guys so much for responding! I really need this support now.
Posted by: crocodile

Re: Depression and healing - 08/24/13 02:47 PM

I know how this feels. This forum is so great because nobody judges you and tells you you're crazy and the sanity check after you've been with a Psychopath is the most important thing. I hope you'll be better soon.
Posted by: Beatrices

Re: Depression and healing - 10/07/13 01:26 AM

Hi. I was just wondering if anyone would be willing to exchange emails? I think I was with one and am
Having a really tough time. Thanks.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Depression and healing - 10/07/13 10:25 AM

Hi Beatrices, welcome to our community. As a policy we don't allow for any email exchanges between members for everyone's privacy. Hope you understand. Is there a reason why you are unable to discuss your situation?

Di
Posted by: Beatrices

Re: Depression and healing - 10/08/13 01:43 AM

Yes. It is extremely personal. I realize this board is about ppl sharing their personal stories, but I can't do that. If someone wants to email me at ***.
Posted by: galetre

Re: Depression and healing - 10/08/13 07:26 PM

Hello everyone. Sorry to just jump in here - I haven't been on for a while. I'm in a very serious depression caused by my relationship with Mr. Crazy (my psychopath). I've finally hit the bottom and gotten it through my head that there is NO HOPE! He is a psychopath. He cannot feel love. He will never care about me, my children, or our child. I am trapped in our relationship. I cannot leave or he will either kill me, or make me wish he had by putting me in jail and putting our son up for adoption. I cannot participate in life with other adults. I cannot leave the house without the children. I do not want to go anywhere with him. I do not want to spend time with him here at home. I feel completely drained, like my spirit has been sucked dry. I keep functioning, taking care of my family, doing the household chores, taking the children to their various activities, running my very small internet business, but feeling heartbroken, hopeless, and incredibly lonely. I can't imagine where life will lead me from here.