Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too?

Posted by: FreeBird

Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 11/01/11 06:40 AM

Unfortunately, I cannot share my story with you yet. I hope one day when it's all over I can tell you everything only to ensure myself again that I did the right thing.

Anyways, for now I would like to consult with you some of my experience and observation.
It's been a while since hell broke loose and I can finally look at it all from a distance and see through the lies and manipulation.

I hope this post can also be helpful to those of you who are still in that sad place.

When I met my Psychopath, I knew there was something wrong. With just a few of his words, my view of the world changed 180degrees. And I have to point here, again, I used to be a really happy person. I had always been very optimistic, loving life, considered myself really happy and blessed with the little I had in life (of course not always,but overall). I had also always been a person that people loved. Always natural and honest, coz this is the only way for me to live and be truly happy.

After meeting my Psychopath, I, of course, fell in love and we were hanging out. I don't know what it really was about him. Maybe just the fact how different he was from other guys I liked. So I was really drawn to this weirdo. I'm not gonna describe the relationship here, coz you all know how it is.

What I want to share is how my experience of life changed dramatically. With him - everything about me loving life kinda went away. And the more he was present in my life, the less I could enjoy it. Of course, I saw it then, but I thought it's just how it is when you're in love. Maybe for a part it was it, I don't know. I felt like, I could not enjoy life like I used to. But when being with him, I also did not enjoy it.

It felt like the whole world got covered with fog, and all of my senses were dimmed.

I could not enjoy it much. I was looking for happiness, but couldn't find it. And there was just this sick bond with the Psychopath, and I know, he made me believe that what I used to think of people (f.e. the friends he cut me off of), how I used to see the world was wrong. He made me see the world through his eyes, and boy, it does look horrible.
I started to be mean, demanding, pessimistic. Nothing was good enough... Everything I enjoyed he would laugh at... And I felt like only his tastes, and views are the right ones...

But I could not see it then, I can only see it now. What's most terrible - back then I felt that the world is just "tasteless" and only he can understand me and only he is right about everything. And whoever disagrees is an enemy...
All of the worst human feelings were constantly present in my life - the anger, the hatred, the jealousy, and so on...

And I can only see it now coz I've healed, and now I really enjoy life. It amazes me how I wake up every day, early, and I wanna just go and live life to the fullest. How much energy I have now. And it reminds me of how I used to be, before I met the Psychopath.

There was this moment, when I started to see things in color again, step by step. It took time, but now, I have moments when I just smile, for no reason, just looking at the world and seeing it's beauty. It's really amazing, coz not long ago I was sure that I could never enjoy life fully ever again. And now, not only can I enjoy it, I enjoy it like never before. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna explode with joy:D And people around can see it and love it.

What's most important it has nothing to do with good or bad news. I feel strong to bear anything and I know that I really have in life is me, who I love now:D and my dreams. I have learned that you cannot find happiness outside, you can only find it inside of you. When you're manipulated by others, judged by others you will never find happiness.

I wonder if those of you who were involved with a Psychopath have similar experiences.
Posted by: Akeso

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 11/06/11 05:39 AM

I can relate about being in a fog. I think of it more as being on quicksand and not being able to feel on solid ground. And never knowing where I stand. He was secretive. He does things to knock me off balance. I think of it also like a TV screen that buzzes and the picture zigzags or you see an image slightly beside itself for a second till it rights itself again. When I was with my h, at first it seemed like he was enjoying me getting really emotional (happy) about little things. Like he couldn't feel it himself so he was living it through me or something, or just enjoying it (me?!) maybe. Near the time he left, after a terrible fight where he just raged at me until I retaliated, and thus giving him the excuse to become physically threatening (and no doubt spin the gossip wheel in his favor - again, dunno - I'm in the dark as I've been isolated from his friends and family), he was laughing (mocking) also at things I liked or believed.
A few years of being controlled and intimidated and having continuous passive aggressive "treatment", being humiliated in public and having terrible fights, I felt like I was wearing a mask with him whether in public or at home. Certainly had my "armor" on. But he is such a likable person I still see him in color and other people in black and white. Sometimes when I see him he's really nice and I really miss him, other times he does these "off-balance" things which just make me angry and profoundly sad. But I am consciously making efforts to enjoy the happy moments (unmarred by bad atmosphere or fights), with my daughter and life without him as much as possible. Going to church helps too.
Posted by: Miss Treated

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 11/07/11 12:31 AM

I stopped listening to music. I stopped hanging out with my family. I so often stayed so late to work with him... this became every day. Then the abuse began. He so sweetly asked (demanded) that I do work only for him, to help him get his life back in order... my goal in life was to save him. My other clients were put on the back burner. Rather than being a total perfectionist for my clients, I rushed thru their work... creating issues. I lost my work ethics. The jealousy he would create for me forced to me work even more and made me so upset that I stopped eating. Lost 10 pounds in just a few weeks. I became a tired, skinny, work monger (work for him only). I became a recluse... I became disrespectful to my family... I was ignoring them. I lost my family life. My world was turned inside out.

I lived like this for over a year. He told me how much he loved me. He asked me to marry him. He would email me YouTube links of love songs. He became the love of my life. We spoke of our future, of the happiness. When his true self was exposed to me... when the psychopath was exposed... my world became a dark, blurry, cave... a cold dark tunnel. Can not focus on conversations. I cry almost all of the time. I feel ill. I want to be put away. It has only been a week since the truth came out. The world has ended for me. So very different than before.

But I am trying to start the healing. I am no longer working with him. I distroyed all work that had anything to do with him. I blocked him from my phone, email. I unfreinded him on Facebook. I have called a therapist. I joined this blog.

I am told this grief could be so long. I am still grieving for my dad; it's been 15 years since he passed. And I still love this psychopath. I told him "I still miss you, you deceiving SOB. It will take me so long to stop loving you." I know this made his head grow by 10 feet. But it has only been one week.
Posted by: starry

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 11/07/11 03:04 AM

Miss Treated, I can relate to so much of what you say.

I'm sorry for your pain and suffering.

It's a long road, the healing road, but you have taken a very brave and huge step there. Not everyone does. The rewards are incredible.
Posted by: Miss Treated

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 11/07/11 05:57 PM

Hi starry, Thank you. Are you healing? If you can, or want to, please tell me about your rewards? I need so badly to find hope.
Posted by: starry

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 11/08/11 12:49 AM

I most definitely am smile

The biggest reward? It's tricky, there are a few wink

So, in no particular order, for me, one big one would be finding myself, who I am. I have things I like doing, things I am interested in, things I am good at! They can be at the centre of my life, I can give them all the space I want to, I don't ned to huddle in the corner with them and try and keep them hidden from the world in case someone tramples all over them and crushes them, or rips them off me. They can have room to breathe and grow.

And also understanding myself. Someone I know well (but that doesn't know about my dad) said I was 'very in touch with my core'.

Finding peace in myself for what I went through and the decisions I made. That girl deserves a medal, as she saved my life.

Finding that I can use the survival skills I learnt.

Also finding that I can ask for something and that other people will respect that (mostly, the ones that don't I steer clear of).

Finding that I have a tremendous amount of compassion (without judgement) both for myself and for other people.

Finding I have a tremendous amount of focus. I may not have the energy I had 20 years ago, and a lot of time is spent working out exactly what I want and how I'm going to go about getting there, but once I've worked all that out the rest feels relatively easy.

Finding that I am optimistic and have hope in the future.

Finding that most people are good and have a kind heart.

I'll try and think of some more smile
Posted by: blueheron

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 11/09/11 11:23 PM

Miss Treated, my heart hurts for you. I can hardly imagine how it was. All I can say is that knowledge is power, and the more you understand about psychopath behavior, the more you move into a better place.

Starry, thank you so much for sharing those healing thoughts.

blue heron
Posted by: FreeBird

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 11/10/11 04:23 PM

I would say the biggest reward is the growth.
I would say I am the happiest person in the world now.
It comes from this confidence in myself, my inner voice.
With the Psychopath, all of my instincts were killed, and my "worth" in this world totally denied. It is scary still for me what can happen to your mind, how we all get manipulated.

But knowing that makes you stronger, and so I can look out for myself now. Earlier, there was this feeling that something's wrong with some people. But I would always kill that feeling as it seemed to scary. Now I know those bastards and even if I get entangled but them, I will sooner or later find a way out.

And most importantly - I was soooo scared to just be myself. I can remember how I could almost hear the Psychopaths words, or his laughter at the things I liked and loved. It was the hardest thing to face it. I have learned that no one's opinion can ever ruin the things I love.
And guess what - when I am myself - with all my flaws - people just love me. They literally love me. I've met some amazing people - I've really put myself out there - and renewed friendships from long ago. I also learned that friendship is the most important thing in the world.

I still sometimes feel bad about all this. But when I look back now - even regretting all that - I know I could never be this happy if all that hell hadn't happened.

The healing was the hardest thing in the world for me. I don't think I could do it all again, and therefore I will never ever put myself in this situation again. I know better now.

All I can tell you for now is keep looking. Keep leanring. Go out, meet people, talk to them. Even if it doesn't mean anything now. You plant seeds that will only grow with time. Just live, and don't think much. You cannot connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them, looking backwards. So you have no other choice but to believe that one day they will somehow connect.
Posted by: crocodile

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 05/07/13 11:26 AM

I wonder if those of you who were involved with a Psychopath have similar experiences.

Totally - all the time I felt I was turning into a bad person. Into somebody I'm really not.
I can't say I was totally a happy person before I met him - I'm not an optimist, I have tendency to see dark, it sort of runs in the family. I guess that's why he picked me to begin with. But I was never that thing. I kind of enjoy being on my own, always did, I have friends, most of them very close, but often times I just like being with myself, read, listen to music, draw, etc. He took all of it from me. I could not be alone anymore, I had panic attacks when I was alone.
Now, I'm OK again, I am myself again and a better, more evolved myself. Sometimes I want to thank him for giving me another life experience (and for breaking up with me of course so I could actually survive it) - in contrast to him I can learn and I have the inside. I guess he was projecting on me his own emptiness: there is nothing there so you have to fill it with the outside. I almost feel sorry for him, except that I know he doesn't even know what he's missing.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Posted by: crocodile

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 05/07/13 11:38 AM

The rewards:
I think you learn more about yourself, about your own boundaries, about who you are.
I went all the way to madness and back and I know how it looks like.
I understand myself and people around me better.
I know who my real friends are (it was good to know that actually all of them are true - I know I have in general good instincts for people and I should listen to them).
I know that 99% of the people are nice, helpful and sympathetic if they only have the knowledge of what the truth is and have the capacity to deal with their own daemons. The psychopathic 1% I don't care about and I've just learned that they exist and how to recognise them.
I know I'm strong, independent, intelligent and some say quite pretty and I know I'll not use it to screw other people around but to have a good life for myself and people whom I care about
I'm not ashamed of having feelings and for other people to see them - I'm actually proud of them

I don't regret anything - it's my life and all the experiences I've had are mine and I've learned how to like them, no matter how bad they were.
Posted by: crocodile

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 05/07/13 11:40 AM

I stopped listening to music. I stopped hanging out with my family. I so often stayed so late to work with him... this became every day.

It happened to me to. It's such a bliss to be able to live again, to be an actual person.
Posted by: toomuchstuff

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 10/11/13 12:17 AM

On our 3rd date we began listening to his music mostly 1950's 1960's western stuff Bj Thomas and choir music. uhggg..... Then he began slapping my wrist if I misbehaved. 3 month's later when I moved back into my apartment My head felt heavy and I was soooo tired and confused. Glad it's over =)
Posted by: Ladywolf

Re: Did the world with a Psychopath seem different to you too? - 08/04/15 01:37 PM

I can definitely relate to this...feeling so different, but just when I was around the Psychopath...

I would see him and just light up. When his smile wasn't on mine, things seemed "normal". I wasn't being gaslighted when he wasn't around. I didn't have demands made of me. I didn't spend money on stuff for him that I couldn't afford myself. When it ended, there was no money in the checking account, no food in the fridge, all my pain medication was gone and was assaulted.

I'm bipolar and he had started to use that to manipulate me, my moods. Sometimes I would just be drowning in tears while he just sat there. Other times he could make me think I was the most important thing in the world.

I am grateful that I didn't put up with this for very long. I guess my healing won't take as long, but I've met a lot of wonderful people on this board.