Stuck. Advice, anyone?

Posted by: marinde

Stuck. Advice, anyone? - 03/21/12 03:38 PM

Hi there!

Got a bad day today and wanted to ask for some help.

Some bad news about acknowledgement/visitation. And a message from someone of his family. Sometimes it goes a bit better, but today I feel stuck. Does anyone have some advice, or hopeful remarks, or just some cheering up?

I feel tired and threatened. I am afraid they will force the impossible on us - unsupervised visitation of my very young son with a destructive psychopath father, hinting at pedophile interests (among other things). And I am scared he will carry out his death threats towards me after he got his fatherhood rights. Just hope it's only a game to scare me, but..well. Never know, many bizar things happened already. Some days I can cope better than others.

So...any can I deal with fear and not be paralyzed and exhausted? Because I also want to think strategically to protect us AND heal my trauma and put all the pieces of my personality back in place AND lead my daily life with my child with attention.

It's a rather challenging combination.

Sorry for the sad message.. but I could really do with some advice on how to cope with the above...sometimes it goes better, but now...hmz. Not much.

Any advice or hopegiving messages?

Posted by: coping

Re: Stuck. Advice, anyone? - 03/21/12 04:45 PM


This isn't huge and may sound obvious but deep breaths.. You want to be in a calmer state. Write down every single thing it is about your personality that you want back.. You will get there. Be strong and focus your goals ahead, your child and where you want to be..
May god give you strength xxx
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Stuck. Advice, anyone? - 03/21/12 06:40 PM

Hi, know we are here for you. What happened with the contact from his relative?

It is a tough time, like being at the end of the train tracks and the train is heading your way.

Know in your heart that you will be safe, try your best to return to your breathe and focus on being centered, I have to still do that when those racing thoughts start to consume me. As dark as it may seem now, there is hope ahead, although I think it is easier said than done.

Please don't feel a need to apologize, we are here and need no apology but want to help you in this moment of darkness.

Do you have your home as safe as possible? Do you have anyone that you know that will check in with you?

I think it is more common than we always acknowledge as far as them threatening to kill someone who is leaving them, that said I would make sure you are always safe and pray he moves on. Never push a Psychopath into a corner if it can be avoided, they do tend to have a lot of children or so it seems so keeping our thoughts that he moves on. I am always sad to say that because that means yet another victim but it is what usually makes them focus their attention elsewhere.

Some people say one day at a time, I prefer to think of one foot in front of the other or one breathe at a time to get past the whirlwind of what life tosses in our paths.

Posted by: marinde

Re: Stuck. Advice, anyone? - 03/22/12 06:50 AM

Thanks for your support, dianne, coping.

It's a bit better now. I do hope he moves on. But it feels like I've got him in a corner already and he wants revenge.

I wish I could think of an exit-option that would give him a sense of "winning" and "revenge", without putting my child in danger.

As for his family: they live in his home country, I dont know them. From the stories psychopathy seems to run in his family.

His sister contacted me before by e-mail. She sent some information that both warned and frightened me, because it referred to this type of abuse in a subtle and creepy way. Then she tried to persuade me to see her brother again. She divorced (issues of control and trust) and told me I should take her as an example. Now she sent the sweetest e-mail. She wants to meet me and get to know me, know my feelings...
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: Stuck. Advice, anyone? - 03/22/12 11:09 AM

Hi marinade, my first instinct when reading about his sister is don't go there, she is probably baiting you on his behalf, are my instincts correct, no way of knowing but since she is related to him and you know about his family tread carefully.

I wish I could think of an exit-option that would give him a sense of "winning" and "revenge", without putting my child in danger.

That is the key to getting out. Think hard on how to use that strategy, a cornered Psychopath is not what you want to end up with because revenge is the tactic he will use.

Now the big question is how to do that and protect your child. Many times they get what they want like visitation etc. but don't follow through because they don't have the time or interest to be bothered. Do you think in your heart of hearts this is how he will be. Does he have any other children with other women that you know of?

Posted by: marinde

Re: Stuck. Advice, anyone? - 03/22/12 03:15 PM


I have decided not to respond to his sister. I do believe it's a new way to get information and influence me.

About the visitation: I am not sure enough to gamble. For as far as I know he has no other children. There were moments that he did not want to visit, because he found it too much of an effort. But he would not completely let go. I believe he is extremely controlled and clinging to his goal of revenge. The only reason to let go would be if he makes another girl pregnant and gets her to move in with him or so. His father also always stayed with his mother, and his uncle (father's brother) according to him raised the kids alone because his aunt either ran away or disappeared (wonder why? :-S)

Hmz. I really would have to think about it.