new developments around my son - help?

Posted by: marinde

new developments around my son - help? - 05/23/12 06:32 AM

I've told my story before here on the forum... but would like to ask for advice.

I have a 1.5 year old son of a man I believe to be a quite vicious psychopath. Many things happened.. but the situation is now the following.

He went to court to get visitation and fathership rights. Court case will be within days. The most likely outcome:

*He will get fathership rights. Problem - he treatened that I have an accident and die after he gets legal fathership, so that he has sole custody. Or to kidnap the boy. I've thought real hard about it and think he really wants to have ("own")him, for whatever sick reason.

*They will work towards unsupervised visitation as quick as possible. They will place a child care worker as a sort of legal supervisor over my custody so they can force visitation. Problem - well...who'd want a sick sadist psychopath with pedophile tendencies near their child?!?

Besides that someone he knows recently hinted at him being involved in international crime and having some real scary criminal friends, as I already feared.

I do not have access to weapens. I collapsed so don't have power to run and hide. It feels rather...stupid... to just sit and wait whether he'll make his threats come true...

Has anyone found a better solution??
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/23/12 10:33 AM

Hi marinde,

I can only imagine the sheer fear you are in. Something in my mind says to get the strength to run. I saw a show years ago that was my first thought. There was a show about a group who ran an underground operation to help mothers in your situation.

Is there a domestic abuse group where you live? While I don't advocate for breaking the law, your child is in danger and so are you. I wouldn't take threats like these casually.

Can you get the courts to set the date back so you have time to put a plan into action? Lawyers usually extend the courtesy by saying they are not ready, it is very common so can you get your lawyer to get another court date? I would call immediately and ask for an extension of the court date to gather your thoughts and make a plan.

I don't know where to find these groups but would be more than willing to help you find one. Do you have family that supports you?

I don't know what country you are in nor do I want you to post it but if you want to email me I will do some searching to try and help.

By your description of him you have every reason to be in fear for yourself and your child. I would never tell anyone what to do, that is your decision but if it were me I would be figuring out how to run so he never finds me again.

How strong is your attorney? Does he or she realize the severe danger you are in? My first step would be to delay the next court appearance and work on a plan. Do you have any evidence of what he has said? I would get some, find out the recording laws where you live and get him to threaten you on tape. Even if you don't use it publicly it can be evidence to get some group to help you hide if that is what you feel would be the best to protect your child from him.

Posted by: starry

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/23/12 02:57 PM

I was going to suggest the same thing...something like Women's Aid, or a domestic abuse charity. They won't tell you what to do, or what to think, but they will help you in whatever you decide to do.

I, like Di, am also of the feeling that you should leave, find a way of disappearing completely and going off the radar. It might mean moving from where you are, even perhaps moving country? Perhaps changing your name? The domestic abuse charity can help you with all of this and discuss your options.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/23/12 07:40 PM

Thanks starry, I was wondering if I was going in the right direction. I think after all these years of such sad heart breaking stories about children and Psychopaths I can only see one route. I wish I could say that any case over all these years with our community had a happy ending but really can't as long as the Psychopath is within the range of a child.

I would also check into what countries don't extradite a person back, have seen some criminal Psychopaths use this to avoid being returned here to the US to face charges.

Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/26/12 08:22 AM


Thanks so so much for your thoughts...

I am in real fear, and think he IS capable of everything. The only thing I doubt about is what he really wants...if he'd f.e. take the risk of getting caught...if he'd prefer to "get us" slowly through the courts or in the illegal way. If he'd just kill me off all the toying and "fun" would be over at once. Unfortunately I still can't read his sick mind.

Running really isn't an option...the court date is too soon. I've tried delaying the date, but got a "no" from the judge. If I'd run now, they'd get me back. And I'm scared he would find me anyway and we'll be away from our family and friends, so even more vulnerable. I'm afraid that he WANTS me to panic, so that I do things like running away and he can say "see, she's crazy, give me the child".

My lawyer is a good lawyer, but doesn't understand we're in real danger. I don't have good evidence and he stopped threatening me now, since he knows I'd record it. He's the long term planning type of psychopath, all his steps were calculated. My lawyer does seem to believe he threatens and lies, but doesn't believe he's a real danger. "Statistically" we've got a small chance of being killed, all these court people and psychologists say.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/26/12 09:57 AM

Hi, I can understand your position, however I would take a one page sheet detailing the extreme measures that you fear of and sit down with your lawyer. You need to tell him that you don't want to end up one of the statistics. Don't let anyone brush off your fears, who can calculate what he might really do. If you are lucky he will move on. Attorneys get hardened by all the actions on both sides during divorce and sometimes unfortunately there are false claims about child abuse. You can write up a list to take to your attorney and post it here and we can help you with the wording, he needs to understand that this isn't some run of the mill nasty divorce.

If he does get visitation you are going to have to be like a detective to prove any sexual abuse. Get a recorder placed in the entrance to your home where he will be picking up your child and also in your child's room. He may just threaten you when he comes by and you will have valid evidence. Your child may just act out in the privacy of their room and you need to see what is going on.

They don't have accurate statistics, the 1 - 3% of the population has never been updated to my knowledge since the early prison studies over 20 year ago.

Hardly a week goes by when one of the major news shows does an hour long show about a socialized Psychopath who murders someone, typically a spouse. Sometimes it is women Psychopaths also.

I don't think it is my wild imagination that they are everywhere. Recently I found one who is running a major medical operation here, it was surreal, I had been in the same State where he had been operating previously. I had been told by a prominent psychiatrist one day when we were chatting about Psychopaths and victims that he was a "classic" Psychopath so his name was in the back of my mind. Imagine my surprise when one day out of the blue I did a Google search of his name, my hair on the back of my neck stood up.

Would you consider that your x is a socialized Psychopath? If so I can guess he has a past. They usually do. Does he have other children with other women?

Posted by: worried female

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/26/12 10:52 AM

Hello there, i was needing advice and help i dont know who to turn to regarding the relationship i have found myself in with a psychopath that is also a serious danger to his own child he has total custody of his child and he has fooled all the prof in his life for example social services, this man has beaten up so many women, he has fathered 9 children to 7 women,
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/26/12 04:01 PM

Hi worried female, welcome to our community. It sounds like you are in a very bad situation and I applaud your concern for his child. If you are comfortable telling more of your story we could help support you better.

Posted by: worried female

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/27/12 08:15 AM

i feel ashamed that i have been fooled by such a dangerous man over the years, i feel so confused as well, it had started years ago, i was a very independent female single mother to my own child i had went to a music festival and this man had began chatting to all of us he came across as very spiritual and eco thinking ect, he was much older than myself,so over a year he would chat over the phone to me about me gardening ect, he would always try and ask me out saying that he had never came across a female like me that was into gardening,being creative,ect, but i would always refuse to date him as i never wanted to have a man in my life as i was more focused on bringing my child up ,so one day he had popped over to mine to get flower seeds that i had in my house,

I had let him in my house,the next thing i knew i was in hospital as i had went into a coma with all my organs failure and i had been on life support machines keeping me alive ,i had no memory of what had happened when this man had came into my house , my family had found my phone as the hospital did not know at time what had happened to me,the doctors where thinking i had been drug overdose, so my family found my mobile phone and seen he was the last person to had been in contact with me so my father contacted him he said he had been in contact with me but left my house ,then the doctors found out i had contracted meningtis and septaiciema the doctors said to my family that could only of happened by very close sexual contact, so when i came out of the coma i could not walk or talk i had to learn all this again, well this same man got back in contact with me while i was in wheelchair saying oh if he had known how ill i was he would of phoned a ambulance ect, and he was saying things like i will always love you and i want to be with you and you need me because i was in wheelchair ,so i started to believe him as i was in a bad way in wheelchair learning to walk again, so i started a relationship with him and then thats when things began to become so dangerous, he is a single parent to a young boy his son is the same age group to my daughter ,this man would phone me up very late at night crying saying it is okay for me having food,heating,electric in my house that he has nothing and that he was going to put his son into foster care ,i would ended up sending taxi which would cost me over 85 pounds to send taxi as he lives over 45 miles away from me and i would send money,clothes,food ect to him ,he would become very detached towards me very cold,he would blame every single person saying its there fault and he is a good person ,

he would say he doesnt do sorry or thankyou, he asked me at the beging to get married to him and be engaged and at the start he was very charming then i started to see things that showed to me that he was telling so many lies, the outcome of our relationship was he had cheated on me with over 20 females, and also he tryed to electrucate me to death ,and also he had beaten these females up ,he had also fathered 9 children to 7 women ,he had taken 56 thousands pounds from me ,also he had sex with his sister that has serious problems,also his wee boy who is only 6 years old has witnessed him having sex with diff females,his wee boy was covered in bruises, the wee boy has witness his dad battering lumps out of other women ,

the police have been called so many times but he has been able to con and fool the police into thinking he is a amazing human being, he has fooled the social services as well, and also just very recently i found out from him that the day he had came over to mine to get flower seeds just a couple of hours later i was rushed in to hosp in a coma that he said he had the best sex he had ever had because he said he had forced my arms up my back and that he was pulling my hair ect ,i know for a fact i would of never of allowed this to happen to me so when the doctors where saying to my family that they had thought i had been drug overdose i honestly thinking he must of spiked me because i was saying no i didnt want to date him, he bragged about what he did to me that fateful day of me going into a coma with all my organs failure of kidneys,liver,lungs and cardiac arrest, and i took a stroke,

the problem is i have escaped being in a relationship as when he tried to kill me by electructing me to death which he had set up but he was going to make it look like a accident to officals, he had put all the electrics in kingsize container and he had ran the water and he was trying to shove and grab me into the container well i fled and escaped , the problem is i am so worried about the little boy as i was very close to his son but his son has changed badly because of his father his father is getting the little boy to pick up women for him to have sex with so that he can abuse, so the little boy goes up to random women saying "i love you will you come and have a sleep over at mine " ect the women that his father gets his wee son to approach are women that are in there late 40s that have serious drink problems ect ,

just on friday night my phone went and it was his little boy on the phone screaming and crying for help and the woman that was in his house was shouting in the back ground that he had battered her and the next minute i could hear was police had arrived because neighbours had called them and he made out to the police there wasnt any problems ect and then police left, the wee boy is in great danger ,what do i do about this? as the social work have been fooled by this man ,the police have been fooled by this man as even when he has battered all these women he makes out that it was women that have done this ect
Posted by: starry

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/27/12 01:33 PM

OK, there is a special section of the police which deals with. It's called either the Family Protection Unit, or the Female and Child Unit (they changed their name at one point). The officers there are very highly trained and really very good at understanding these kinds of dynamics. I know because I went to speak to them (being in a slightly similar situation to yourself and having the same type of concerns). My main worry was that they wouldn't believe me, that the whole story seemed so unbelievable and a lot of what happened to me was gone, I couldn't remember. I know they think that I was drugged.

It's possible to give a statement to this unit for information purposes only, and to do it anonymously. It means they won't pursue a prosecution on your behalf (unless you want to) but there is an official record of the information you have. The police will pass their concerns onto social services, but very importantly, your statement will also remain on file with them as an official record and should they need it at any point in the future, they can access it.

I'd also suggest that you get in touch with Women's Aid. They'e absolutely fantastic (obviously) and will work to give you support.

I understand how manipulative these people are, and I was convinced that the police wouldn't believe me, but they really did, and they understood the sort of person that he is. But it wasn't the normal police (they were a bit rubbish), it was the special unit I spoke to.
Posted by: worried female

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/27/12 04:09 PM

hi starry , the problem is that the police have been called to his house on so many times regarding him beating up women ,and nothing has happened , the social services where involved in his and son life but the social services where also fooled by him as he comes across in front of prof as very charming and polite and kind, so the social services belived what this man was saying , he blames all women ,he never admits to anything at all, he never says sorry or even thank you he said he doesnt believe in this, also my family feel i was drugged and spiked the time he did the sexual act to me as a couple of hours later i was fighting for my life in a coma and the hosp doctors said to my family they thought i had taken drugs , by being spiked, he had taken all my money which was thousands of pounds, and tried to kill me, i feel such a fool & confused as well as i didnt see the danger signs as he came across as so charming at the start ,the biggest worry is what he is doing to his own child , what do i do ? im scared if i do nothing then something bad may happen to his son, but im also scared of him finding out ive also reported him,
Posted by: starry

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/27/12 05:17 PM

The normal police are just everyday people, who are doing a job. And, unless you're really lucky, they are way out of their depth when confronted with this type of thing and these kinds of people.

But the unit I mentioned, they're specially trained, extremely highly trained, to understand this sort of dynamic and these kinds of people. I remember saying to them repeatedly 'he's really clever, he's really clever', thinking I didn't stand a chance here and they wouldn't believe me. But they got it, they really did, and in fact, they were the ones who made me understand that I'd been drugged. And I got the feeling they understood there was a lot more to my story than I could remember and than I could tell them.

Also, the important thing, is that there will be an official record of what has happened to you. So, say another woman goes to the police to make a statement about him, they check his name and your statement is already there, supporting what she says. Rape statistics are notoriously bad, as you know, but your statement will act as corroborating evidence. In fact, your statement will help support a lot of other survivors he may have hurt over the years.

You can ask to remain anonymous.

And although he knows that it was me who went to the police, for me, in my case, the police knowing acts as a safety net. If anything were ever to happen to me, whatever that may be (and let's face it, he's capable of anything) my statement would lead the police straight to him. And the last thing he wants to do is get caught, his whole life has been about keeping under the radar. So he's left me alone.

I understand how you feel, I really do. And I understand how frightened you are too. I think of it this way now, I've survived the worst, and possibly the worst thing a human being could put another human being through. And more than that, I've thrown a life line to anyone else who needs it, by giving my statement. If I was to pick the things in my life that I was proud of, it would be that I was most proud of.
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/30/12 11:36 AM

Hi worried female, starry has some excellent advise. How old is his son now? You can just give an approximate age.

I can sense the turmoil this is bringing you but you do need to get healthy for yourself and his drama can continue to beat you down. I think from what you have said he is highly dangerous and am very sorry for the horrific physical issues he has brought into your life.

Like any occupation, there are some professionals who are just better than others, sometimes when a victim tries to notify the authorities our sense of balance and fear is so off that it can be brushed aside.

Posted by: Maree

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 06/19/12 05:55 AM

I have been in the same situation with my own children, now adults. Most psychopaths are cowards and rarely carry out what they threaten to do. The purpose is to create fear so they have control over you and your child. They play a lot of scary games.

The Family Court is a theatrical playground for psychopaths. It's a place they use for system abuse. Unfortunately psychopathy isn't easily identified in courts. Trying to point it out can sometimes mean losing your child. The only option you have is to stay calm and rational, state you have been threatened and are afraid without too much detail. You may not be believed but there will still be doubt in the legal minds so then try to put things into orders that will protect your child while they are with their psychopathic parent.

Arrange to meet in a McDonalds carpark so the child can move from one car to another without having to deal with any games. Have the least amount of contact with the psychopath as you can. Communicate in letters sent registered post and keep receipts.

Add that while the child is with both parents they don't put the child in any dangerous situations, or allow them to play with any dangerous objects, not operate any machinery without constant supervision. This way the psychopath can't have any so-called accidents.

Think of all the things they might do to terrorize you or your child and try to get them into the orders. Judges will agree if the conditions are reasonable and are for both parents and in the childs best interest.
Psychopaths are intellectual adults with the emotional needs of a child. Most are extremely jealous of the attention their children get from their other parent. They usually want the other parent to take care of their emotional needs instead and that's why they do what they do, it's to have control.

They also want parental rights but not the responsibilities that go with them. This is something else to remember in court. Always add responsibilities to the rights they want and often they will back down. Expect them to be a responsible parent and the pressure may become too much for them.

When you feel bad it's because your perceptions still aren't quite right. Learn to be vigilent and observant and learn all you can about psychopaths and the legal system you are dealing with.
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 06/22/12 11:23 AM

Hi Maree,

Thanks for your advices.

I do hope you're right and he won't carry out his threats.

I fear of what he will do to my son once he's alone with him too. They want to force contact between me and him too. Right now, I believe my chances of keeping him away are around zero. My son is still very young so doesn't have any defence against psychological, sexual or physical abuse. I find it extremely difficult to stay calm and rational and think of ways to protect my son.

How did you manage to do that, having to send your children to such a creep? How did you psychologically protect your children from being indoctrinated, from trauma bonding? What kind of protection orders did you manage to get through?

I've already pointed out the risks to everyone but the ones having to decide either don't understand or don't believe.

I've tried forcing him to be responsible (pay alimentation) and he reluctantly did and now uses it to show everyone what a great responsible dad he is. At first he was very reluctant taking responsibility, but he seems to have changed now and just wants to win all the rights and responsibilities that he can have.

My lawyer adviced me to point out to the courts that I am so scared and collapsed out of fear for him...since it's the only thing I can prove and this according to the law could be a reason not to allow visitation. In practice however this (of course) is turned around by him, making me the one having to prove I'm a good mum. Even the loads of proof that my son is doing great and I'm taking good care of him somehow don't help.

More research is now to come, both him and me. I just don't know how to get someone to see through him.

My ex is definitely jealous, but more of my rights over the child. He owns him. He can't stand that I have control over something he owns. I'm afraid that his primary victim is or will be the `child.

Any advice is welcome..
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 06/22/12 01:13 PM

Funny. Not that the money matters to me, he can keep his money... but I was just thinking of my ex taking responsibilities and he just cut the alimentation, paying much less this month. I wonder why.
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 06/22/12 01:37 PM

Worried female,

I am sorry for not responding before, I was quite busy with the whole struggle for my son. Your story sounds horrible. I wish I knew a way to help, both for you and the little boy.

I think Starry has already given you some good advices though. I just want to wish you a lot of strength to deal with this in a good way.
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 06/25/12 05:40 AM

OK... just wanted to complain a bit.

I've just had a conversation with the child protection worker who will "guide us to visitation". He has experience with people with antisocial personality disorder. But his opinion is "psychopath" is an old fashioned term. Even if he has antisocial personality disorder and can't empathize with others and understand their feelings, he can still be good for his child.

How on earth can someone who doesn't understand feelings of others (or simply understand the existence of others apart from himself) take good care of a child?

Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 12/22/12 03:35 PM

Hi there,

I haven't posted on this forum for a while. I've written a lot here when I was extremely scared about my ex going to court and threatening me and my son.

But we're still safe. And I've just this week received some extremely good news, against all my expectations, that I really wish to share. It might cheer up some others in similar circumstances and give them hope.

The court has NOT given my ex the permission to acknowledge my son, which means that he is NOT legally his father. This means he can also NOT ask for shared custody. For the visitation, they have ordered extensive testing of both his and my personality by a specialized forensic psychologist, to see if there is any reason in either his or my personality, or in our relationship between the both of us, that would be reason for him not to see his son. My ex asked to already start visitation before the personality test, but the court rejected this. Also, the child protection worker told me he could see something is wrong with him.

Obviously, I'm still VERY nervous about the test, the appeal (?) in higher court, and possible revenge. But still...WOW. I'm incredibly happy and relieved and wanted to share this. Already 1.5 years of courts and still no acknowledgement, no custody, no visitation! Hurray!
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 12/24/12 07:18 AM

Oh, and something extra: I've now got the whole report of the judge... She is extremely careful in her arguments why she denies acknowledgement, has studied all documents in much detail, also citing texts of the both of us to argue why my fear for my ex is justified. Even though there was no very strong evidence, she clearly saw through him and even used his smooth talking against him.

I've been SO terrified for SO long, thinking no-one would ever see through his mask. On the internet I only read stories of psychopaths winning every court case. I wanted to post this success, also to give others in similar positions some hope: tides can turn, even if it seems totally hopeless! Sometimes people DO see through the mask, so hang on!
Posted by: Dianne E.

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 12/30/12 12:26 PM

Hi marinde, have been away for the last week and am just getting back.

Thank you so very much, yes we very rarely hear any success stories and really appreciate hearing yours.

Was there anything in particular that helped you turn the corner? As much as you can share would be very much appreciated.

Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 04/19/13 04:06 PM

Hi Dianne,

Sorry for not replying sooner.

My story has taken yet another turn. He has definitely lost the acknowledgement case. For the visitation case a forensic psychologist has spoken very long with me and him. Until now she concluded I was healthy, except for a normal fear response. She thinks I can't have ptsd because you have to be in a war or accident or so for that(?). On him she concluded: he expressed many emotions but they felt shallow, he seemed totally devoid of social feelings, not capable of empathy, changing colours like a chameleon, telling her just what she wanted to hear, extremely focussed on power and control, selfcentred, not capable of reflection, fragmented, empty (- wow!). She had him stuck and he finally admitted he physically hurt me when I was pregnant, but he "didn't understand", "thought it was a game" and "I liked it" (wtf?!?!? what's not clear about "stop, it hurts me and the baby"). She thinks he is not capable of love, not understanding the needs and feelings of our son on the most basic level, can become threatening and physically dangerous especially when he feels threatened or out of control. She thinks he might possibly be capable of extreme and bizar violence when cornered.

She'll advice for psychological treatment, educating him on raising a child, building up visitation (why on earth? after such an observation?!?), but limited and supervised (hurray!). The fact that I am so terrified of him that I can't take care of my son is solely my responsibility and of no relevance to her advice, she said (in a nicer way).

Her temporary diagnosis: AUTISM.

She thinks there's a lot of overlap with psychopathy in him, but he has a good job so he can't be a true psychopath(?) and she finds him too emotionally inadequate and too controlled. She said she did not observe his sadist, paranoid and truely manipulative side, but this doesn't mean it's not there, and she was still doubting whether he was evil or ignorant. He did the goofy-little-boy-act on her ("Oops! Did that hurt her? Oh really? I totally missed that..") and I believe she still underestimates him. But's already WAY more than I expected... and it at least says I'm not crazy for fearing him.

Still not sure what to think of this??? And what can I expect of psychotherapy? He always used my explanations to become more manipulative and more hurtful. Should I block visitation? Or work along? I have no idea what to do next...

Anyway. Not sure whether I'm on the right forum now ;-). But still some things that helped me:

- Collecting all the tiny evidences and testimonies that I could find. Even things not directly threatening. Like a midwife testifying he had a distant and onsafe attitude during the birth of our son, my boss testifying that he saw me change during the relationship, an e-mail where he talks about guns (i live in europe), or some weird e-mails about domestic violence his sister sent me.
- Just repeating over and over and over again that it's not safe, I won't comply and he has to be tested by a forensic psychologist first. Not giving in to his pressure, or that of so called child protectors. Once you've given something away (visitation, acknowledgement) it's harder to turn back.
- Seeking help everywhere until I found the right persons. Having professionals testify that I was healthy before and psychologically hurt by him, and solely by him, so much that it heavily disturbed the home environment of my son (i had to go to a clinic to recover). This was a rather risky move...since they could say: your son is not okay with you. A couragous (dumb, lawbreaking?) psychiatrist even testified that he thought of psychopathy based on my story.
- Having day care and a child therapist test my son and confirm that he is doing well in my care.
- Not giving him information at all. Clearing my computer, changing my e-mail and telephone number, instructing loved ones not to answer to his inquiries, leaving him in the dark about my preparations for the court. In retrospect I should have recorded telephone conversations.
- Showing people that I was open and capable of self reflection.
- Surrounding myself with only sweet and loving people that I trusted.

And further: luck... lots and lots of luck. Which I also wish to you..
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 04/19/13 05:12 PM

Oh something else...she answered to the references to sexual abuse and domestic violence (poems, movies, books, remarks, threats), the manipulations, the stealth sadism towards me and my son, the sexual assaults, the stalking by saying "maybe he just didn't understand, he doesn't have the capability to recognize it, and the psychologist can explain to him precisely how to understand all the feelings of others, all the feelings of your son". This gives me the creeps. He's smart enough and I can still remember his grins when doing to my newborn son exactly those things he found out I feared most. What if they give him an intensive course over the years in recognizing my sons feelings?? Now, apparantly, a forensic psychologist can still find out something is quite wrong. I don't really care which label they give him. But I've seen his sadism. How can I prevent that they turn him from a still somewhat clumsy sadist that slips now and then, into a more stealth and refined sadist?
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 04/23/13 03:40 PM

Ohhh...sigh... frown

Research continues, she talked to him again and now is drawing back...maybe he didn't mean it all that bad, some people with autism can be good fathers, he seems to really understand and wants to change now (yeah right, how many times did i hear that?), he really didn't mean to hurt you with that (then what exactly DID he mean to do by dragging me through the house by my hairs when highly pregnant and telling me he would get whatever he wanted?!?), we had a real good conversation now and he cares about not hurting you and your son, he was much different from the first time (yeah, he's different all the time, that's the problem)...permanent supervision might not be necessary afterall, if he does well for one year he'll be okay...he just needs to learn, he needs to have a chance. He really wants to be involved.

Aren't autistic people supposed to be real bad at manipulating? :-S
Posted by: 1962

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 04/23/13 05:34 PM


Dianne is temporarily off line, but the rest of us are here!

It sounds like your "Psychopath" is intelligent and has learned to play the system. It is so easy for the therapists to be manipulated by the "Psychopath"s as they tend to be like us victims and look for the best in people and give excuses for behaviors that are unacceptable.

Maybe a counselor who deals with psychopathy as part of their regular career would be a better match. I found one accidently by calling a few groups in my health care registry. Upon intake I asked for someone who dealt with persoanlity disorders - specifically cluster Bs.

Although I felt that the counselor himself was a "Psychopath", who better to know one??? It was very validating for me.

Best to you Marinde.
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 04/24/13 07:27 AM

Thanks for your response!

This actually was a forensic psychologist, with experience in psychopathy! Problem with my ex is that he is not the typical psychopath. He DOES have some features of autism... like intense interests (f.e. engineering), being autistically systematic and obsessive(also in his revenge), some sort of awkwardness in social contacts, fragmented understanding of the world, making weird communicational missers. So people see this first and think "hey...that's not a psychopath, that's an autist!", discard all the rest as "misunderstanding" and are way more easy for him to be controlled. And then come in the psychopath features. He gets more tuned in with them, picks up their signals better, understands what they want to hear and winds them around his finger. You know what the stupid thing is... even I was again doubting myself when she told me he's an autist and he really didn't understand. Even though I KNOW what actually happened and it certainly was not "accidental". I have no idea what to think of him now. Only that he should NEVER be near my child.

Maybe a psychopath as a therapist would indeed be the best, they must have a much larger understanding of this type of behaviour ;-)
Posted by: 1962

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 04/24/13 06:34 PM

I think that as someone who has loved a "Psychopath" for a long time, I understand your doubts and also your concerns. How is it that we can love someone, bear their children and then try to understand that this was all a scam.

If I had young children, I know I would be as concerned as you are.

I actually felt that I had a better understanding of my husband and a greater appreciation of a true lack of conscience. The counselor acknowledged that the "Psychopath" has feelings but has absoultely no conscience. Scary to be sure for all of us if this is true of all of them.
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/20/13 09:06 AM


I got rid of my doubts again.

Am shocked how easily even forensic psychologists are manipulated. First she saw quite a lot, but blamed it on autism.

Then she had another chat with him. Now he's the victim and I'm the perpetrator.

She now thinks he's the victim in many of his relationships, is not capable of physical violence and that did not happen in the relationship(which is quite remarkable, because he admitted to dragging me around the house by my hairs...), is stable and intelligent, and he just accidently did some unhandy things because of his autism. Even threatening with childabduction is turned in such a way that he's the victim and I'm the perpetrator (he was fighting for his rights to see his child and out of love for his child he accidently treatened with abduction).

I have many reports, from my boss to other psychologists to the clinic that observed me daily for 2 months because of severe ptsd. They all report that I am a cooperative, kind, easygoing person and I have no personality disorder, only I am in total panic whenever something happens around my ex. Her conclusion: mother is a controlling person and might have an underlying personality disorder. He controlled even the tiniest details of my the brand of diapers that I had to buy for my son (from my money, in my house) or whether we could eat/sleep/use medicine. And now I'm controlling?!?

It's such a trap. When I don't respond, all the lies will stay intact. When I'm trying to protect my child and set straight all the lies.... I am a controlling [censored]. And they use it to rationalize his behaviour ("no wonder he got so threatening...").

I also notice that they are just writing towards a certain conclusion... there MUST be visitation.

I'm just desperate now. Does anyone have any comforting words or tips how to continue?
Posted by: marinde

Re: new developments around my son - help? - 05/20/13 09:09 AM

Oh... and: she tells me I cannot have ptsd, because what happened was not bad enough for that. You have to be in "something really bad like a car crash" for that - I'd rather have 20 car crashes instead of having this creep in my sons life.