Hello Starry,

I did read your post a few days ago about housework. If I remember correctly, you said it was a struggle to get up and get moving in the morning. You mentioned that it is difficult to stay on top of household responsibilities. I can relate. I think perhaps the the overall lack of motivation and energy is a big side effect of depression. My home gets to varying degrees of messiness as well.

Another theory I have is in relation to the codependent dynamics involved in a relationship with a psychopath. When we were involved with the psychopath, all of our priorities shifted. In typical codependent fashion, the other person's needs come first, and our own personal priorities take the back burner. Whether the personal priorities are finances, household chores, or anything else, it all comes second. We get used to this skewed sense of priorites when we are involved with the psychopath, simply because they drain so much of our time and energy.

The lifestyle adaptations, and priority changes that occur in unhealthy relationships somethimes will stay with us, even long after we end the unhealthy relationship. (Perfect example: childhood trauma, and the unidentified ways it can affect us into adulthood.)

So the answer to the messy house is a little more involved than an extra boost of willpower. Take a step back and look at the big picture. What is currently draining your personal energy? Untreated depression? Excess anxiety? indulgences in substances? Codependent focus on another person? Somewhere in your life, it is likely that your energy is being drained.

It is not uncommon for the effects of the relationship with the psychopath to linger, even years later. There is hope. Tell yourself it will not be this way forever. Identify where your energy is being drained, and then try to slowly reclaim it. If it is depression, than consider trying some medication. Consider some counseling. They can help you identify the unhealthy circumstances that led to the priority shift. It could be as simple as low self esteem. Perhaps the psychopath bruised your confidence to the point where you just don't feel that you are worth having a clean organized home. Perhaps coming home to the mess is making you more depressed, than the more depressed you feel, thats even less energy and motivation.

In psychology it does seem that things run in cyles (ex. the cycle of abuse). Try to figure out what cycle you are stuck in. When did you lose control of your organization? What was going on in your life when things started to slip? What was going on in your life when it got the most out of control? It might help to identify those things. It also seems that psychological or spiritual healing occurs as a backwards process. I have heard the healing process compared to a big tangle of knots, where each knot needs to be untied one at a time. I have also heard of healing compared to peeling off the layers of an onion, one peice at a time. Accept that it may be a discovery process in your mind and heart and that it might not get "fixed" overnight.

Ponder over my thoughts, and let me know what you think. How do the above scenario's fit into your story, into your life?

Don't give up. Remember, you do have the power to change. You do have the strength to heal. The spirit can be strengthened and restored.

Until everything gets sorted out or until the situation is more under control, cut yourself some slack. And try to take good care of yourself, body and mind, even if you are disappointed and disgusted that you let the mess pile up.
I would rather sit and sulk in an organized house, than sit in a spotless home while some psychopath destroys my soul! Im just saying, at least you removed yourself from that nasty relationship.

If you are able to scrounge up a tiny bit of motivation, say a half an hour worth, try working on a tiny project. Maybe throw out the junk mail from the pile. Organize the shoes on the bottom of your closet. Wash, fold, and put away three days worth of clothes. Just something to start. And when you do, you will feel a small sense of acomplishment.

You are not alone. You are not the only person recovering from a loss of priorities, a loss of self. Things will change, but only one day at a time. Things did not get this way over night, and they will not be fixed over night. But every day is a new day. Try to look at each morning as a new start, a small token of hope. You will get there.



Edited by Violet (01/20/11 07:59 AM)

Hi Starry, if this isn't the thread where you would like Violet's post to be, please send me an email and I will make any changes you wish. I may have already put it on another thread also since it was so late at night doing so.

Di

Violet,

Thank you very much for your support and kind words. I am so far behind getting things organized my head spins;) We have a very high amount of people who will or can only read due to PTSD and fear so I feel it is important that information be easy to find. My only wish that whoever crosses our door will find the answers they seek. Readers come from all over the world, one of the most active referrals comes from Korea, I need to translate the magazine now that it is easier to do in order to confirm that.

I am always available to any questions or comments.

Di

Thank you, thank you!

I just find it so difficult to cope with things. It all becomes totally overwhelming really quickly.

I'm feeling OK today, not too bad. Housework terrible though, I've not even managed to do the washing up. I'm going to make an effort tomorrow though. Maybe just set myself the goal of doing the washing up and hanging up the washing from the machine.

I'm hoping that if I keep trying at those two things, washing up and washing, they will become easy to do. And then I can add some other part of housework into it and keep trying at that until it becomes easy to do.

I've also started to try and reach out and make some friends over the past year. The isolation has been one of the worst parts of it all. There are a couple of people that know what's happened, most don't have a clue and wouldn't ever even begin to imagine. I have managed to help a couple of people who have had similar experiences in the past, or are finding themselves in a similar experience at present. I'm really proud of that.

Hope I haven't upset anybody with what I've said.

Ah yes, I hadn't made that connection. And all my energy over the past four years has been dedicated to trying to understand what happened. I think I'm there now. I have my story, my version of events, even thought there are great big spells of traumatic amnesia.





I hadn't made that connection either. I think for me, it's definitely anxiety about my job and how much longer I will have it. I've lived with that stress for about two years now. Another anxiety is how little money I have. I had a breakdown a couple of years ago, and had to use my savings to live off while I fell apart.

I'm almost at the point where I think I can cope with a bit of temping (just a week here and there), which would give me a little extra money and a bit more of a cushion, build up my savings a little again.





Yes, other family members are still very clearly seriously affected almost half a century on.





Low self esteem is definitely a factor. I don't think I had much self esteem anyway. I was thinking about this the other day, and what an easy target I must have been. Not that there is anything wrong with that - the responsibility for committing the crime lies with him. It just made me feel really sad for the person I was, for the abuse of vulnerability and innocence.





I like the idea of slowly untangling the knot. I'm very patient and I'm never daunted by the size of an undertaking.




Thank you for your words of hope. I went to speak to a psychotherapist a few months back. She understood perfectly well what kind of person he was/is, but she couldn't understand the strength it had taken to survive and get away. I told her that that was my starting point, and that I most definitely wasn't the 'lucky victim' she was making me out to be.





Thank you. I will definitely try and keep all those things in mind. I used to be a real hard working, high achiever. I'm more than a bit confused by the person that I seem to have become at this point.

Hello Starry,

Hope the past few days have brought you some strength. Have you had any luck keeping up with the washing? You can reclaim your happiness, and reclaim the order in your home, but you have to work on it. How much effort are you willing to make? How unhappy are you with the condition of your home? Unhappy enough to make some changes? You can reach out, and there will be others to help you along the way. But ultimately, it is your choice. When do you want to get started? Could it be today?

Are you feeling helpless? Understand there have been many many people before us who have made massive changes in their lives. Some by choice, others because there was no other option. Regardless, try to respect the power of our potential to change as people. It is there for all of us. It just needs to be tapped in to. I am telling you, it is there. Try to get over the mental block that says, "you can't" do something. Those days are over. I am telling you, "Yes Starry! You can do this!"

Thank you. It has been a little easier over the past couple of weeks, to do the washing up easily and unthinkingly.

I think I just have so much trouble coping with everyday life: getting up, making myself presentable, work, actively listening to other people and taking part in society, watching out for triggers and panic attacks and dealing with those, paying bills, trying not to spend too much money, supporting the people I know and work with.

All those things were, well, I just did them all as a matter of course (apart from the PSTD), without even thinking twice about them.

I feel like someone who has had a stroke and has to learn to walk again. Even doing something as simple as walking round the block becomes a major challenge, and a major achievement.

I feel really lost and confused at this 'new landscape' I find myself in. I don't recognize myself and I don't recognize how I react to things. It's like I've had a personality transplant.

From the outside you would never guess that all this is going on in my life. From the outside all you see is a very calm and organized person, who always looks very well presented, working at a number of jobs and doing really well at all of them.

Just got to keep plodding on I guess, one day at a time.

Hi Starry, am I reading this right that this professional didn't validate your experience:



If this is what I am reading think about the blow that must have taken to seek help, professional at that and not receive any validation.

I am sorry you had to sit there and listen to those words.

Di

It was such a weird experience. I knew she understood intellectually what sort of a person he was, but I so totally knew that she didn't have any experience at all of someone like that.

And I also knew that if she had actually been confronted by someone like that, she would have been suckered in, kept in suspended animation and slowly hoovered out, before she'd even had time to cross her legs.

So she had no idea of what is needed to survive someone like that, and as a consequence she wasn't able to validate my feelings of anger. There was a point where she lost control of the session with me, and it was when she asked me 'but how do you actually feel?', and my answer was 'I would nuke the ******'.

We ended the session talking about self harm. She asked me if/what I'd done about self harming. I told her a whole range of things (which I see as an expression of anger and pain, but also as a way of altering my state of mind). And she either ignored them or denied them. That spoke volumes about her attitude and feelings towards me.

Those sessions were all about her, about her inability to cope with my reality. I've come across that so many times in the medical profession, pretty much with every medical practitioner I've ever met. I see that now, after half a lifetime of distance from the original trauma, various breakdowns and a lot of soul searching.

I have an appointment with an Occupational Therapist in a few days. One that deals with trauma, that can hopefully help me to deal with the physical stuff (although I have to say that I've done a lot of work on that myself, over many years). Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I'm always open to learning new things.

I find that only recently does my closest sister fully understand pscyhopathy. My husband kind of gets it, but not completely.

I find therapy very helpful to provide me a place to vent my thoughts and feelings, but I have to agree that my therapist does not fully understand psychopathy or my psychopathic brother's power over my mother.
So there is a kind of isolation that comes with that lack of understanding by other people.

And my brother preys on that kind of isolation.

Hi Starry,

It is a sad reality how some of these people get their degrees. I would like to offer a bit of infomation. If someone asks you about self harm, if you are intending to then ask for help. If you were to just be saying things out loud that you don't mean but are frustrated with they have legal authority to put you on an in voluntary hold for 72 hours. Any time they deem to want to keep you later they have to provide you with an attorney and go before the judge.

If this woman felt that you were in any way even a tiny bit of leaning toward self harm she has the responsibility to report. I guess my words are saying to be careful particularly since there are even professionals who don't get it and could take action against you. It only shows how mixed up the system is, you deserved to be listened to and validated.

Many, many years ago I did work in the convention business. One of the accounts the company had was the Psyc. Assoc. It would be hard to gather so many nut cases in one place without searching the globe. I do not mean to say all professionals are nuts it is just it seems they out number the sane functional ones.

I am very sorry this happpened to you. Like Twin and others it one of the worst yet common thing is for a victim to not be heard or understood and validated.

Di