Thank you so much.

I can hardly believe that such an empathic place as this exists (my husband doesn't really get it either. In fact, it clashes full on with his own world view and really upsets him).

I shall keep those things in mind, although the law might be different from where you are?

Strangely one of the most validating experiences ever for me was going to the police. I was so sure they would laugh at me, or tell me to get lost, but they seemed to understand exactly what kind of person they were dealing with. They treated me with total seriousness and utter respect. I am so grateful to them for such a positive experience, and I try to hold on to that feeling.

Yes, the isolation is crushing at times.

Starry,
The isolation.
I agree.

Whatever you have gone through (or continue to go through), I hope your husband is a source of support for you and can give you any level of solice to gain inner strength?
Trust me, the depth of isolation has no apparent rock bottom when you have NOBODY.
I understand what it is like when there is nobody whom believes you - at least nobody in the physical sense . . . . . to get a few hours a week here and there with counselor a:your own, b: parenting class counselor, c: a crisis interventionist . . . and they 'tune out' hearing what you have been through and negate every aspect of your concerns.

I have been with this group of counselors now 12 weeks and FINALLY they are all beginning to understand and validate what I have been TRYING to get through to them for 3 intensive months of suport. However, all are more focused on 'forgetting the past and moving on' than understanding that I am being re-victimized every day of my life STILL by: my kids whom honestly torture me some days (hopefully the behaviors are just learned from their psychopath dad), relatives whom despite my pointing out the wrong in doing such, keep asking me things like 'well, everybody tried to tell you about him and to get rid of him for decades', school administration whom don't realize I DO monitor schoolwork and actively parent at HIGH levels every day, neighbors whom now just avoid us as my kids are the 'bad kids' and well, anybody we come in contact with?

Of note, I somehow managed to complete my graduate degree, stay in one career for 27 years, have EVERY performance review from every job ever held since I was 14 (all exceed expected standards), have managed over 12 years - groups of 200 employees several years, near perfect credit, other than my divorce - the only 'record' I have is a couple speeding tickets, actively participated in community volunteer programs, was a boy scout den mom for years, soccar mom, etc..... I mean HELLO PEOPLE, I THINK at almost 46 years old I understand how to live life? What more evidence do they need to see or know to justify that SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG HERE and maybe, just maybe, its not ONLY me? Frankly, I have learned a few things through counseling and classes, but nothing of major revelation that has or is helping me with my day to day problems.

I am relieved that I now have a name for my monster. The evidence supporting the idea is overwhelming. No 'red flags' with my psychopath - I have SIRENS, lol. They are now sold in their agreement (after they researched my facts) that he [quote] 'more than likely has a personality disorder of significant degree' (sigh). It was kind of funny when I mentioned some more of his family trivia for them today: brother has spent all but like 19 or 22 of his 51 years incarcerated for crimes against children, cousin is a WestPoint graduate and was employed with the US government doing something with intelligence and murdered a prostitute overseas. I could write a book on my sicko psychopath, but alas . . . .

. . . . it appears it is irrelevant and the HELL I have endured for 30 years is where I shall stay.
And so I sit here in my house - a large house - in my bedroom - day in and out.
My isolation gets worse every week.
I am a mere ghost of the being I was for 45 years.
It is nice that now people understand what I have been through and appreciate the validity of my experiences.
But they don't 'really know'.
There is really nobody in my area to talk to and certainly, nobody whom sees to know how to help me.

Last week, there was a mother whom killed her two teenagers in my state.
I could not imagine taking anybody's life - most especially your own babies' lives?
But I would be lying if I said I never thought or think about how nice it would be to not have to 'do this' anymore.
I hold on every day - status quo - and pray a lot.

See?
Could be worse (shrug)

I'm really sorry for what you've been through, and for what brought you here.

I'm not sure if it really helps to say that anyone's situation or pain is worse than anyone else's. I haven't really said what I went through, haven't given any details, and deliberately so. Let me just say this goes back a long, long time...decades. So please, please don't tell me it could be worse.

Hi Starry,
Oh my - I was truly not trying to minimize your trauma and if that was what came through, I did not intend that at all - honestly. I meant it light heartedly not whatsoever to negate your pain.
I am sorry and sincerely apologize and in no way meant to allude that your suffering was less than any other's or that mine was any greater.

The fact you are here establishes your pain and you have every right to feel it.
For every victim, no pain could be worse than what we experience.
But I am empathetic that my hell must pale in comparision to some (many) others. I tell myself everyday "I am alive".

Honestly, I can't imagine the long lasting devastation a child of a psychopath must endure - a childhood in the absence of two loving and nurturing parents? To be cheated of one of life's fundamental and basic need (the love of a parent) is heart wrenching. People such as yourself give me strength in understanding the degree of this tragedy. As I stated to you in my other post to you (under referral, advice . .) you have a beautiful heart. The child of the psychopath parent with such a heart must have incredible strength. The devastation I have witnessed with my children makes me angry at times for the legions of children whom have suffered with a psychopath parent - and for those who surely will continue to suffer. I cannot help but feel great sorrow for you and the millions whom might never even have known what a psychopath is - whom have or had nothing to attribute the madness to? Even worse, when people do know, like yourself, and cannot get the appropriate validation/understanding from those in positions of support. Recovery is so hard enough and in order to make progress in recovery, we need that validation from our support systems. Doesn't it always feel like we are 'fighting' for our minds/souls? First we are traumatized, then we try to protect ourselves during the abuse, we isolate because our defense mechanisms/coping skills are shattered, we struggle to separate (if even possible for some?), and then have to endure re-victimization in trying to be heard/validated in order to help ourselves get healthy. Its such a vicious cycle.

When there are other parents, siblings, children, friends, employers, business partners (etc) involved, there are co-existing cycles within cycles. I wonder all the time for those of us whom are either directly related or have children with them (a forever connection there) if it ever really ends? My psychopath's mother, my ex-mother in law and very dear lifetime friend, has preached to me for 28 years "the stress and pain he puts you through will last as long as you let it." As you well know though, sometimes, words are just words, right? How DO you deal with all that goes with having a psychopath parent (or how have you)? You are very strong. If you feel comfortable sharing, do you have any insight/advice you could share with kids in the same situation you were/are in?

I hope you can trust that my true intention was merely sharing?
From your posts, it appears we may be experiencing very similar effects in our 'aftermath'. (more than you might think)
If I am correct in my assumptions, I think we could learn from each other.
I hope I haven't dissappointed you or lost your trust?
Again, I apologize and hope to hear back from you.
Take good care.

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

I have read it. I am going to think it all over, but I want to have a cry first.

Just wanted to acknowledge your reply and thank you for it meantime.

Right now I have so much going through my mind that I'm pretty sure that this is going to sound disjointed.

I'm struck with a lot of grief right now because I'm realizing all of the ways that I was impacted by being raised with a brother who is a psychopath and with 3 other brothers who have bi-polar disorder, alcoholism, etc.

My whole life has been made up of pathologically putting others needs first. Why? Because there was no room in our family for normal needs. It was all about making sure "he" and "they" didn't get upset. I was raised in a house where violence, lying, manipulating, and head games were the standard responses to stress. I was raised in a family where every person's minor or major accomplishment was polluted by their blow ups because "he" and "they" couldn't stand other family members getting a small amount of attention.

So sometimes I felt guilty for my accomplishments because truly "he" and "they" couldn't handle them. I graduated from college and my mom had a party for me. What happened? They got into a fist fight right before our extended family came over. What was it about? Nothing really. My sister graduated from college six months later and opted to not have one rather than risk them marring her special day with their outbursts. So even know, I find myself downplaying my accomplishments or the accomplishments of my kids because I am used to an equation that reads something like . . . accomplishment = melt down.

I know that I put up with emotional abuse in relationships because I was raised to think that my needs didn't matter and my feelings didn't matter. The only person's needs that mattered were his needs and his wants. It was always about him and them. So looking back, it isn't a surprise that when I was molested that I didn't say anything. Why? I was molested because I was an easy target. I didn't tell in part because they were so consumed with him. I remember thinking: "They are dealing with him right now. My parents can't take another thing so I'll just deal with it myself." How sick is it that at some level I knew that his needs were more important than my needs as a molested girl....s crime victim. And the pity is that it wasn't that he was going through a crisis: nope. It was just how he lived. He didn't want to work full-time so he didn't have money to pay his bills. So my parents were in a tizzy deciding whether or not to bail him out. It just didn't end with that. It wasn't just until he got on his feet. He had mastered to trick -- engaged them enough to see his need and to see him as a victim. It's been like this for as long as I can remember and it will always bee this way.

Oh my God, your post makes so much sense!

Yes!!!! He's never really bothered to work. He's painted himself as the victim. Other women/people in the family have always supported him. I never saw that/understood that. I always thought he was just a drop out, but it was all much more calculated than that.

That's a revelation, thank you.

I will think some more on everything that you said there.

I'm sorry if I've not been back to this thread. Things have been incredibly stressful of late, and it's really triggered the physical symptom side of my PSTD. But I'm working on it and can hopefully share in a couple of weeks.

Thank you for acknowledging the post Starry. I hope you have some peace in the next few weeks.

I have had a particularly bad bought of PTSD over the past month.

With really amazing timing my appointment with the OT for the trauma I suffered at the hands of my dad came up earlier in the week. I hadn't even given it much thought as I'd been so unwell, especially in the past 10 days, but I had my first session and I think we're going to be able to work with each other.

I've been really concentrating on slowing my breathing and trying to stop my heart from pounding so hard in the last couple of days. It's having very positive effects already.

I'll hopefully be able to reply in more detail to your kind posts on my thread soon.