I have jost got a mail from my son's counsellor that they don't consider it necessary to continue treatment. I'm very upset. Nobody listens and nobody will act until the damage already has been done. I wish it were just me suffering abuse. that;s even better than watching my kid and being unable to help. to warn him.
I just phoned the psychiatrist whom the dad went to see long ago. This very kind insightful man is now deceased, his wife told me. She gave me the name and number of the doctor/psychiatrist who now has all his files. At least I can talk to a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist and I hope he can advise me. I also made an extra long appointment with my huisarts, gp? the doctor you see first for everything and who refers you, don't know the english word. He is kind too, never defensive, admits his ignorance, he is honest and helpful. So that gives some hope.
It is so hard to accept the ignorance of courts and counsellors of the TRULY criminal-minded and their victims people who need their help most of all. Another Dutch expression: shouting, crying out in a empty desert.
Just what can we do about this ignorance?
Thank you for listening, understanding, supporting me, thank you, thank you.

Yes, if only we could figure out what to do.

Rely on the court system? No. The psychopath's are masters at getting around that, and we haven't been involved in the court system, so we won't win there. And they probably love fooling the counselors.

I'm just thinking here. In the case of the children, what is the motive of the psychopath? We know its not love or any genuine concern for the well-being of the child. It is something that the psychopath gets from it.

I'm pretty sure in the case of my grandchild, he had her as a bargaining tool (or blackmail tool) to get what he wants from his parents and from us. She keeps us connected to him in just the way he wants. He is the type that doesn't want a whole lot - the lazy psychopath type. So, it doesn't take much to keep him happy. I'm still wondering what will cause him to lose interest and move on. Through experience so far, we've figured out that he loves causing drama. So, we try to not react to things and when he is around to be laid back. We don't always succeed, because I can see now that he keeps working at it until he hits a cord that will cause someone to be upset. And, with our granddaughter, we don't ask if she can come over, we let our daughter ask if she's coming over. If we were to ask, it would show that it is what we want, and he would come up with a reason she couldn't come.

In the case of another family member of ours, her children make her look good, like the perfect Mom. They are always dressed up cute in expensive clothes. They are sweet and well-behaved. But in private they are reduced to tears daily, left alone, and who knows what else.

In your case, is he trying to hurt you by being with your son? Or maybe he also wants to look good, like the perfect, loving father. In one article I read, the psychopath wanted the kids just to upset his ex, because she didn't want them to be with him. So, she started getting all dressed up, like she was going out, when he was to pick up the children. Which then made it look like he was helping her by taking them so that she could go out and have fun. He soon lost interest when his motivation was gone. Is the interaction with the counselors and courts giving him the drama and the challenge he wants? Maybe he enjoys fooling everyone. Maybe if it all stopped, he would get bored and move on.

Dreama recently suggested, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer". It just dawned on me that could mean to concentrate more on what motives the psychopath, than to enlighten those that can't see it. (I'm thinking aloud again here - and applying this to myself).

I think you have been doing so many things right. Keep it up!

Wendy,

Try to remember that many of life's burdens are actually blessings in disguise. Try not to be upset. I see a few positive things here regarding the letter you just received:

1) Despite the psychopath dad, your child is well rounded and well adjusted. You are doing such an excellent job as his mother, that despite the negative influence of his dad, your child is considered mentally healthy, by a professional.

2) Since this particular psychologist was not validating your concerns, she was not the right match for you and your son. IT WAS TIME to switch anyway. Discontinuing treatment with this person was a necessary step to keep moving in the right direction. To move forward and find somebody new, somebody who acknowledges your concerns. Somebody who might be THE RIGHT MATCH to maximize all the benefits that counseling has to offer. " When one door closes, another door opens."

You are doing everything that you can to help your son. Give yourself a pat on the back for that. You are not turning the other cheek and just hoping for the best. You are rolling up your sleeves and taking an active role in the prevention of serious abuse. Trust that you will connect with the right professional on this journey.

Trust that the same power which brought your precious son in to your life, will be the same power that guides and strengthens you, helping you make good decisions to guide and protect him. We have to trust and believe in the power of this presence (religious if it applies to you, or, not otherwise specified if it doesn't.) There is power in truth and goodness out there. We have to believe in it. If we don't, than we believe in evil. If we believe in evil, than we believe in psychopath's. Our energy is transfered in to our beliefs. By believing in something, we are strengthing the energy of its existence.

I believe that you are a strong smart woman. I believe that you are an excellent mother who puts her child first. I believe that you are going to raise a smart, confident son who will be able to handle everything that life sends his way.

Well, you make me cry with happy relief I admit, though I might sound over the top. I really hadn't looked at it that way!!!!!!! Well, thank you! i was upset all day, but getting steady again.

Yes, indeed, it all comes down to trust, trust is the whole issue. Building trust again.

You have dealt with this so much longer - but I can't imagine how you bear it: your daughters, granddaughter! it is very painful to read. I wish i could be as uplifting for you as you are to me but I don't know how.

That's funny, the story about the dressing up!
Luckily, motivation is very simple and straightforward with a psychopath, no ambivalence, plain self-serving.
In my case, he is also the lazy type, despises effort, seeks thrills (never enough, never satisfactory).
The indifference which first crushed me later turned out to be a blessing. He isn't out to bother me, he couldn't care less, Í've been replaced. He abused me when I was with him in many different ways, but now he's got a new one.
He is very, very scared of authority and the investigation and has started a whole new perfect-daddy act and is grooming his son now. It works because of the girlfriend.
Before, he tried to get me back, kept the girlfriend secret to his son, so my son was alone with him. My son didn't like having to stay in bed till 11 in the morning. The dad gave him several excuses for that. In this case I permitted myself honesty and told my son: Those reasons aren't true, daddy just doesn't want to get out of bed. Oh, so thats it! he replied, not upset at all. He also kept bringing his son back earlier and earlier.
His thing is mainly other people's money. Kinky sex, too. Drink and drugs. And total control of other people as suppliers of just about everything, because he can't do anything on his own.

Hi concerned, you are very wise for taking this approach, you could spend evey waking hour to try to convince others what he really is and unfortunately it would be time you could be planning. We all know what the others will think, eventually sooner than later their impression will be that you must have lost some screws along the way.

Information is where your power will be.

I would suggest to consider the next time your daughter is there and does some housework or some of the things you have mentioned before to take the high road, your frustration must be intense, who wouldn't be. If you will help her with day care that is a wise move to get your grand daughter out of his clutches full time. You have every right to blow your stack but that path may keep pushing her back to him since she probably in some way sees him as her protector when she returns to him after a confrontation.

I would be hard pressed to think he hasn't been quite ugly toward her. He is chipping away at her self esteem and fears.

You have a tough road ahead of yourself for sure but I have strong faith that you and your husband will prevail and get your daughter and her child back with you. I truly admire your strenght and courage to turn this ship around and get your family all together.

She is young and scared, it will be hard and frustrating. You might consider that you are a stage actress playing a role that your expressions and actions will determine the outcome of the play. I am only guessing but I think you do hold the key to getting her back. I also guess in her own way by doing some chores etc. that possibly it is her way of taking baby steps to come back home. If she thinks that ocming home will be a peaceful escape from what is probably an ugly time with him, I think she will come to you and your husband. You are her safety net, he is her road to hell.

I would suggest as part of your strategy to see if you can put your finger on how the confrontations with your daughter get started, is it frustration, something that gets said, there must be some triggers to look at. Planning to approach this from a better understanding of him, that is an excellent step. Perhaps trying to get others to understand reinforces your pain and drains your energy. They just don't get it and will probably never validate your frustrations.

Di