I mean, I've been feeling so low over the past month (work troubles, which are probably going to end up in court. I'm the one that has been wronged, by the way). It's caused me to be very stressed by it, and become quite physically ill as a result.


Anyway, anyone ever get really fed up with feeling so low? With feeling so frightened and unable to cope with the smallest thing? I get overwhelmed so much of the time, even by the most insignificant thing...my mind just jumps to 'panic mode' straight away.

Sometimes I feel I've really had enough of all of those feelings.

I just want to be like other people seem to be...grumbling about normal stuff, happy about normal stuff. Why can't I be like that?

I've been discussing anger with my OT.

The fear I'm very familiar with and can talk about, no problem at all. The rage I feel at what I had to endure is something else. I find it very difficult to talk about it, or even deal with it.

My OT says that I had to suppress everything I felt in order to survive. There was no point in me being anything at all, I wasn't allowed to be me in anything (even what clothes I wore, if I wore clothes...I was expected to wear nothing at all most of the time, no food or drink unless he said so, no trips to the bathroom, no talking to anyone else we might meet in the outside world). Making any 'demands' would have been dangerous, and he told me he would kill me if I made him angry (and showed me what he would use).

I'm wondering if the boredom I'm feeling is actually frustration, which is coming from anger? I've had enough of feeling so low, so overwhelmed, so frightened, so 'limited' all the time.

I feel like I want to push beyond all of that, into something better, more positive.

Could it be anger?

Hi Starry!

What you describe is what I've been feeling on and off for more than three years now. I'm not a therapist, but I've been studying psychopathic trauma for quite awhile and I would venture to say that what you are going through is a combination of grief and healing. Both grief and healing are not limited to a timeline, but unfold according to our individual personalities and the degree of psychopathic damage. The low feeling you're experiencing is like a burn. The severity of burned skin is calculated in degrees. The degree measures the depth of injury. Wikipedia says this about burns:
Burns can be classified by mechanism of injury, depth, extent and associated injuries and comorbidities.

Those of us who have been burned by a psychopath have many layers of pain and dead emotional tissue to slough off. This persistent psychopathic heart-burn you are feeling will not go away quickly. There are no magic potions to lessen the load you are carrying. But there are rest stops along this path of recovery. The rest stops are places, people, and things which help you carry the load and in time, your low feeling will be elevated to a steady high.

You have survived the initial psychopathic hell fire and are on your way to becoming your best self ever! I really believe that is true for you and me!

Starry,

Please, please try to read that book "Women, Food, and God," by Geneen Roth. I really think you are at a place in your spiritual and emotional recovery to reap enormous benefits from what this book has to offer. It was not too long ago that I was finding myself in a place so similar to where you are right now. Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I was so sick of being miserable, depressed, anxious, angry, and moody. I told my therapist, "I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be happy!" Just like you, I couldn't really differentiate between the boredom, depression, frustration, and anger.

You absolutely can push beyond all of this. You just need the right tools. Your OT is one of your tools. This book could be your next tool. I am not a positive person. For me to feel so strongly and optimistic (about one book)is amazing. I challenge you to read this book. I would be absolutely shocked to see you post that you read it and were not able to gain enormous insight and direction.

Your paragraph about being threatened to get killed reminded me of my ex psychopath- with a huge kitchen knife in his hands, playing with it very slowly, icey look in the eyes, telling me that he was going to disfigure my face so that the whole world could see how ugly I was on the inside. That was the 2nd time that I thought he was really going to kill me.....

mouton, that's exactly how I've described it too. Except I've said it slightly different. I describe is as having had all your skin peeled off from you, and ending up like one of those anatomical drawings of nerves and muscles.

Thank you for your optimism, it means so much to me

Thank you Violet.

I have to admit, I do feel a bit apprehensive. I got out of harm's way (as much as I could, he still raped me repeatedly) by pretending he was god. I can't remember if I called him that or not, or just acted my socks off. It wasn't really a rational decision, as I was beyond any kind of conscious thought. It was more an instinctive understanding of what he wanted to be (and also picking up on what he liked to call himself). He was in a cult as well. I think he picked up a lot of techniques there.

So I'm very wary of things to do with God, religion...but I will try and have a look. Maybe see if I can find it in a library near here, so I can hand it back if I find it too upsetting.

Thank you.

There are certain things I can't be in the same room as without feeling that my knees are starting to give way and that I'm about to throw up. When he told me he would kill me he wasn't even looking at me. He was looking off to the right, and barely whispered the words, really slowly. It's one of the moments I have flashbacks about.

Can I ask, what the not being able to differentiate between different feelings is about? Is it about being very disconnected from your feelings?

Stary,

The psychopath I was involved with is also in a cult (left hand path, wichcraft,satanic).

Of course, he portraid it as his adopted 'family'. Being naive, I did not even recognize it for what it really was.

Instead, my brain was in constant vertigo, truing to understand the world from his point of view.

It was all just a big confussion, where the whole world was turned upside down. What was white became black, and what was black became white. Now I know that his view of life was straight from the Satanic Bible.

Naturaly, I was 'spiritual' but not particulary religious when I met my ex - psychopath. That was my doorway to hell. And that is where they want every decent human being. They are after our very souls.

Now, I am reading Bible and learning who those 'creatures' really are. Also, they are mentioned in Islam, under 'Jinn'. You might find wikipedia explanation of what Jinn are particulary insightfull.

Every religion mentiones the 'interspecies predators' we commonly call psychopaths and the destruction they bring to human beings.

Fortunately, the way to right path and salvation is open to every one of us.

Warm Regards

Please write more about the cult your psychopath was involved in. Was it also with satanic undertones?

Speaking of wanting to push into the positive and release the anger, whether about your ex, family, or work situation, reminds me of a time when I had a bad work experience several years ago. I felt so wronged and was quite angry about a situation, but obviously couldn't get angry at the person. Although not diagnosed, I think I can be OCD, as in I can obsess about something and mull over it, rethink it, try to rework it. The reality is, you can't though, can you? Nobody can change the past. HOWEVER, I found a therapist who did EMDR (Rapid Eye Movement Therapy). Basically, as you move your eyes (or alternatively they will do tapping on your knees or use a machine that vibrates from hand to hand), you retell the details of your story, the situation, your memories, get it all out. Then, you reimagine the situation as you would have wanted it to be and retell it that way. It is an effective tool to reduce the affect of a situation and allow you to think more clearly about it, take back control, without the underlying anger. I was really sold on it. I felt that kind of therapy did a lot to help me let go of that anger and frustration, and accept the situation for what it was, look at it objectively. I don't know if you have tried something like that, but it might be worth a shot. I think it works quite well for people who have experienced traumatic experiences or have suffered from ptsd.