I've been going to see an OT.

After many years of terrible experiences at the hands of pretty much every medical professional I've met, I like this woman. I feel she doesn't judge and she understands. Things have been improving for me since I've been seeing her (no nightmares, no hallucinations, IBS getting better).

I know she likes to give me things to think about from week to week, and I do think about them. Can't really say that I 'enjoy' it, but I feel like Im making huge strides forwards in working these things out and therefore in 'learning to be me'.

So, last week was quite intense. We've been talking about fear and anger, and how my reaction to what happened both at the hands of my dad and to these really intense feelings subsequently is to want to disappear. We talked about the various ways in which I 'disappear'.

At the end of the session she asked me to think about if there was something in my behaviour which makes people doubt/disbelieve me/my story. I tried to stand up and felt like my legs were going to give way underneath me. She noticed and said that we would need to be careful and perhaps take things easier.

All my symptoms have come back with a vengeance. I've had a terrible couple of days since my session.

Now, I don't quite understand what she was meaning about the something in my behaviour which makes people doubt/disbelieve me/my story. Was she playing devil's advocate? Is she trying to get me to say I believe my story (basically stand up for myself and my version of events)? Is she trying to get me to say I believe my story and anyone who doesn't can get stuffed (showing that I can connect to my anger)? Is she trying to get me to understand that I need to own the experience and the subsequent journey, really take charge of it and make it mine, so I can move on?

Feeling really terrible at the moment.

Hi Starry,

I am sorry you have been trying so hard and hit this wall.

Personally I think there is something wrong with the lack of empathy in society who doesn't support you or try to understand.

I can count on probably one hand the members over the years who were understood by others. I have no reason to believe it was something other than they just don't either get it or don't care to.

I am having a hard time with this one, I hope you ask her. She sounde like she has been so helpful to you. I just don't get that comment. In the meantime remember we are all here to support you. How long have you been seeing her?

I don't get the what you are supposed to "own" with this experience. It isn't like you robbed a casino and prison is making you own up to your actions.

Horrific events must be like being in prison and being the innocent bystander.

Di

Perhaps I can give an example where I think my behavior in the aftermath of my experience with the psychopath caused someone to doubt my story, and simply doubt me in general.

Shortly after my psychopath left me, when I was still in shock, disbelief, a new hire arrived at work. As a middle manager, I was supposed to orient her to the job and the local area. As I showed her around town, she sensed I was emotionally disturbed and asked why. Stupidly, over a beer, I blurted out my story, not in detail, but in brief. My telling of the story, and her interpretation of the story were markedly different. There are two sides to each story, but she barely knew me or the situation, and wasn't in a place to assess. What she could judge was my behavior. I am sure I seemed like a pathetic, self-pitying, dysfunctional loser, and I was her new supervisor!

Seeing my behavior, caused her to not only doubt my interpretation of my story, but doubt me in general. I continued to work, do my job to the letter, but those around me could see I was disturbed, gaining weight, not taking care of myself. She quit listening to me or following policies as outlined. When I complained to upper management, I was told to 'extend an olive branch'. Even though I tried to talk, she refused, rolled her eyes, said she didn't like me, wasn't going to listen to me, and started walking out of meetings when I spoke. When I complained again, I was told I was "playing the victim" and that she and I seemed to have "personal problems". When I attended an optional meeting, which she apparently didn't anticipate my attending and promptly left, I was told I'd gone in "prepared for a fight". In reality, I didn't have any personal issues or dislikes with her, I just didn't like being disregarded or disrespected in the workplace. I had never had anyone react toward me in such an extreme way, and I am sure it was an adverse reaction to my behavior. Despite the fact I did my job well, had always received good performance reviews, had a lot I could have shared/taught her, and was open to exchanging ideas, she only saw me as a kind of weak, depressed, pathetic loser whom she didn't have to respect or listen to.

The point of this story is that no matter how well I did my job, my down, depressed behavior, caused people to doubt me, stop wanting to listen to or believe me, and see me as a problem. So, maybe what the OT meant is that people see your behavior first, and then hear your story through that filter of what your behavior is telling them. This is the same concept that people are judged on their first impressions and treated according to those impressions. People, especially those meeting you for the first time, can't comprehend that your behavior, who you are now, is partly a RESULT of your story. Interactions with psychopaths alter and affect who we are, and I agree with Dianne that most people can't understand our stories. However, we do also somewhat have the power to choose our reactions, how much and for how long we are affected by the psychopath. For example, in the first few months after the Psychopath left, my friends and family were understanding of my depressed state. Obviously my work mates weren't, and I really shouldn't have allowed my depressed state to show at work. I just didn't know how to hide it. Over a year later, even close friends are less forgiving and understanding of depressed behavior. They might not doubt my story, but they would perhaps question my interpretation of it, or the weight I give to it still. In sum, maybe your OT meant that people see your behavior first and then judge your story based upon that behavior and who they perceive you to be as a person. That'd be my take on it.

Thank you Dianne, for taking the time to read and reply.

I have just had my fifth session out of ten. I feel she has a lot of experience and has come across people who have been through similar experiences before. She has really helped me make connections that I had not realized before.




I think it is maybe something to do with seeing the whole experience, and experiencing the resulting feelings, as entirely from my perspective and not from anyone else's.

I know I tend to slip into other people's trains of thoughts very easily. In addition, it is mainly my dad's train of thinking that I can slip into, very easily. I know I had to do it to protect myself during the whole experience...if I could read his intentions, I could somehow protect myself with the few minutes grace the 'reading his train of thought' brought me, and I could deflect the worst of it with my various coping strategies.

But if I slip into other people's trains of thought, I'm also disappearing from myself...I'm not being present to myself and my own reality.

Don't know if that helps explain it a bit?

Thank you

Thank you skybluepaint. That's really helpful, what you wrote.

I'm going to think about it and try and see how it applies to my experience.

Just dawned on me...I guess what I'm doing by slipping into someone else's train of thought and absenting myself is dissociating.

Starry,

The road to recovery is not a straight line. True healing weaves in, out, and around our darkest and deepest issues. Therapist help guide us on this journey, and they do this by approaching our feelings from various angles. Some of the approaches they take are obvious and seem logical. But often times, they are guiding us through a way of thinking, or analyzing which we are not used to. They help us analyze our pain, how we have reacted to it, how others have reacted to us, and how we can sort through this to find our way back to peace.

I am glad to hear that you have felt comfortable and confident in your progress with the OT so far. You said that things have been improving for you. That is great. Understand that when healing we sometimes take three steps forward, followed by one step back. You were coming to terms with your anger and fear and feeling confident that you could work through them. So taking one step back may have caused you to panic.

In your last session you discussed reacting to the abuse by disappearing. Perhaps the OT was sensing a link between your coping through disappearing and not getting proper validation of your feelings. When you dissociate, or disappear, you are minimizing your hurt (denying yourself the emotions that you don't think you can handle). If YOU are not acknowledging these feelings, others can not properly acnowledge them to empathize, and you do not feel validated.

I am sensing that in the past somebody has doubted or disbelieved your story, perhaps one of the "wrong matches" you had with a professional whom you were seeking treatment? This caused you much pain? You were reaching out for help, support, and validation. You were not understood and validated which put you in a place feeling very panicky, alone and misunderstood? When the OT asked you to explore the possibility that your behaviors may have caused others to doubt you, it immediately brought you back to that scary, alone and misunderstood place where you had been in the past? So of course, the PTSD symptoms reappeared. Did you feel a sense of panic, as if suddenly she didn't truly understand you? Did you feel that you had her trust, she was on your side, but suddenly she was judging you, doubting you?

I understand it can be very discouraging to revisit old painful feelings. Especially if it was only recently that you "turned the corner," or "saw the light at the end of the tunnel." Five sessions with this woman is enough to establish a certain level of trust. I am wondering if you regressed back to that defensive and panicky state, because of the possility that she, or anyone else did not believe you, your story. You felt that your trust, your credibility with her, had been threatened. Your reaction to this threat was to "disappear," but because you had been addressing this very issue, you did not disappear. You felt the full intensity of your emotions, and I think that may have terrified you.

I really do understand. Decades of not acknowleding or properly validating our hurt, makes it very scary when we finally do. The hurt child inside of us tells us to "disappear," shut-down, do whatever it is that we need to in order to escape this fear. The hurt child inside of us tells us that we can't handle these feelings, it tells us that they will DESTROY us. Your body listens to this inner child, and you physically feal the destruction, in the form of PTSD symptoms.

Try to understand that the devastated, wounded, and insecure inner child is in the past. Try to bring yourself to the present. In the present you can handle in this process. In the present, you are no longer being abused. Your body, and spirit are no longer in danger of being violated. In the present, there is truth. There is empathy, healing, and peace. It is yours to take here in the present. Try to leave the wounded child in the past. It is not an instant decision, it is a process. To continually bring yourself to the present moment, where you are safe. You are understood. You are rich in wisdom, understanding, and growth. Allow yourself to be in the present where we are healing, one day at a time.

I do think that you would benefit from a little bit of quiet meditation. Not to reflect on the past. Not to analyze your pain and frustration. Rather, to embrace the present moment. You can do this by sitting quietly, closing your eyes, and breathing slowly. Focus on your sensations: the temperature of the air in the room, the hum of the furnace, the smell of the last meal lingering from the kitchen. If you quietly do this for a few minutes at a time, it will start to feel comforting and soothing. It helps increase your awareness of where you are at now, at this exact moment, versus where your mind was racing ten minutes ago.

I also suggest drinking hot tea. I started doing this at night when I stopped drinking. It gave me something to replace my evening cocktail routine. It gave me a warm, soothing feeling. I put my face close to the cup after I first pour it, and I breathe in the warm scented steam. It is very comforting and relaxing. On the side of the box of tea it said, "Treat yourself to the soothing ritual of hot tea." I loved the way that sounded, and I have been treating myself to it daily. I got creative and went to a few vitamin stores for some specialty herbal teas. I switch those around with generic tea available at the grocery store.

It has become a bit of a fun hobby for me, trying different flavors of tea. It is fairly inexpensive, yet it still feels like a treat. Tea is loaded with antioxidants which are so good for your body. I particularly enjoy the "have all you want" concept of tea as well. Since I don't put honey or sugar in my tea, there are no calories. Most of my favorite flavors are herbal and have no caffiene. If I am feeling particularly anxious in the evening (hardest time of the day for me), I will have a couple cups of tea in a row followed by a few quite minutes of meditation. It is an instant relaxer. It also helps me to control my binge eating.

Good luck Starry. I have confidence that you will begin to feel better soon. Just take one day at a time, and please, let us know how things go at your next visit with the OT.

Thank you Violet, for your really lovely post. It's helped bring a lot of clarity. I've read it a couple of times already, and will come back to it lots more times, I know.



Yes, many times. Many medical professionals. One even (psychiatric nurse) told me in not so many words that I had invited it and enjoyed it.

I now don't give them any background information beyond 'I suffer really badly from anxiety'. They seem to be able to acknowledge that, cope with it and not be distracted by it.




Exactly so. I've had them for many years now, and they were abating, ever so slightly, over the past couple of weeks.




Precisely so, again.

My dad told me, time and time again, not to tell anyone as they 'wouldn't understand' (along with threatening to kill me). I think that might be at the core of it.

Really, there's nobody that needs to understand it, apart from me.


There's a lot to think about in what you wrote. And I certainly shall take it all away with me and think about it.

I really like your tea ritual

Brain on overload just now, and tearing up as well. Cant believe how lucky I feel to be here, on this forum.

skybluepaint, thank you for writing about your experiences.

I can really relate to what you wrote, as part of me wants to be really open and honest with the people I like (people I might consider to have some kind of connection with...some of which I've met through my job). Through bitter experience I've learnt that it's not always necessarily the best thing though, especially if you also work with them.

So my work life is really a performance. The people I work with know a little about my background, my family (the good side of it) and the things I like to do out of work. I know I come across as laid back, approachable, very dedicated to my job and very good at it. I have a reputation for working really hard, so if I'm tired and run down, people assume it's because I've been working my socks off more than usual.

It's a bit of a performance I'm putting on, but there is a lot of truth in there too - I do like the sociable aspect of my job, and I do really believe in what I do.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say...I'm still really confused. It's been a tough week physically, I haven't been able to keep any food at all inside me (sorry for the too much information there!). I guess I'm tired and drained because of that as well.

I think I can almost get what she might be trying to say, because of all the help you guys have given me. But it still feels like it's slipping out of my fingers all of the time. It feels really elusive.

I can honestly say, I've never struggled with a train of thought/concept so much. I generally get things straight off (without sounding too big headed about it).

Dear Starry,
I'm glad the collective replies here have helped you get closer to figuring out your conundrum. I know how it is to get a question or train of thought stuck in your brain and obsess on trying to find the answer. I'm sorry if I went overboard explaining my work situation, not entirely relevant, but that experience made me understand how my behavior caused people to treat, look, listen to me in different way. And you are right, I learned NOT to open up to a colleague, even in a non-work setting. I do have to say that I learned compassion through that experience. It made me realize how people who are down and out, such as the economically or socially oppressed, are in a way perpetuated in that place because other people perceive and treat them a certain way. I think it is awful a nurse suggested you 'invited' the problems, but that unfortunately seems common, to blame people for inviting their own problems. Sure, we all have to take responsibility for our choices, but when dealing with psychopaths, we unfortunately make assumptions that they are 'normal' human beings, which is wrong. So, it makes it harder to make those right choices given the fact that we don't have all the usual necessary information with which to make a choice.

It sounds like you are on the right path with the OT. It certainly seems like she is helping you to think about important questions.
I hope it continues to go well.