Hi everyone.

I'm exhausted. I've been in a relationship for almost ten years with a great man who has 4 kids. Three boys and a girl. They are all older now...late teens to early 20's. The reason I've just been DATING this man instead of living with him or married to him is due to his daughter. I am really starting to think she is a psychopath, but then I question myself and think it has more to do with my boyfriend's guilty and permissive parenting style. His daughter has manipulated and lied to him since she was in about second grade (several years before I came along, but immediately after his divorce). She made up lies about how awful she was treated at her mother's house so her father would feel sorry for her. It worked...her father told her at his house, she'd be "special". The rules didn't apply to her, she got preferential treatment and was always favored. She played on his guilt over the divorce. He had 50/50 custody of his kids, and they live within walking distance, so he actually saw his kids every day.

This girl grew up to be a lying terror. When I came into the picture, I was stunned at what I saw. The boys would be working, doing chores, being made to behave, etc., but there was "Princess" perched next to her daddy not doing anything. She wanted me GONE because I could see right through her games and the dysfunction. This girl is an honor roll student, yet acts like a toddler (usually only around her father...I've watched her with other people with her father is not around and it's a totally different persona). She will sign Father's Day cards, "Your little girl". She doesn't even know the proper way to use a toilet...she will throw the used toilet paper into a trash can instead of flushing it.

Needless to say, she caused a lot of relationship problems. My bf just refused to see her for what she really was. I gave up trying to get him to see all the lies she was telling him. Eventually things got so bad that she was arrested for drug dealing (she feels that rules and laws don't apply to her because she's so special). My bf actually believed she didn't do drugs. Of couse, he bailed her out of jail. He sat her down, gave her an ultimatum that if she lied to him or screwed up again one more time, he was finished with her (she was currently living with him fulltime after her mother kicked her out for stealing from her). He gave her ANOTHER car to drive (the state took the previous one he gave her and it was impounded because she was dealing drugs out of it). All she had to do was go to her part-time job (her jobs never last long...she's always fired because she can't follow rules) and act right. Her father was keeping a roof over her head, paying her car insurance and supplying her with a car. Of course, she lied and screwed up. I don't know exactly what she did, he won't tell me. So, he DID actually kick her out and took the car away from her.

Well...all she writes on her FB page is how she wants to move back home. She moved in with her boyfriend who dumped her and went back to her ex. She needs a place to live, and none of her friends are dumb enough to let her move in with them. She wants the good life back with daddy. So, she has decided to tell her father she's going to rehab for a month. Honestly, I think she's just going because she needs a roof over her head, and food put in front of her. I think she thinks that after she does a month in rehab., her father will jump at the chance for her to move back home again. It's going to start ALL OVER AGAIN. My boyfriend will give me the same old lecture that he'll always do "whatever it takes to help his child" and that "THIS time she really wants to change and he has to HELP HER"...and go right back to enabling her.

I saw the Hare youth version of the psychopathic traits list. She fits it all. But, my boyfriend says she can't control the way she acts because she's only 19, her brains not fully formed yet, etc., etc., it's going to take her longer to mature than most people, etc.

Honestly...I think my bf's parenting has created a psychopath. Her mother won't put up with her games. Her mother is also remarried and the daughter HATES the stepfather. WHY? Because he tries to make her follow rules (the mother has given up). So, once again her father feels sorry for her because of the "mean" stepfather not putting up with her games. If her father ever tried to discipline her (which is a total joke...it literally never works on this girl), she would just run to her mother's house and stay there for a while. It would scare her father into thinking she'd never come to see him again.

I just can't face what's going to happen in a month when she's out of rehab. What my bf doesn't understand is that the personality disorder was there prior to the drug use. My bf has hinted around that he thinks she may have a mental problem of some sort because she can literally not stop lying and can't seem to learn her lessons regarding breaking laws (after she was arrested for drug dealing - 11 felonies - she ripped off a haircutting place...tried to pay with a bank card that had no money in the account...said she'd be back with the money and just got in her car and drove off...the police had her name and called her mother). I'm thinking my bf is just so desperate to have his daughter in his life and so desperate to believe she's on the right track that he'll think the rehab has magically cured her of all of her issues.

I have a teenage child as well. He doesn't act this way. Is it worse with teenage girls? Maybe this kind of behavior is normal. I don't know. I never acted this way...I'm just confused and overwhelmed. I think in one month I'm going to have some decisions to make.

Another thing that really disturbs me about this girl is how she dresses around her father (as well as everyone else). Boobs on display, short shorts, etc. I think she feels she can manipulate anyone, including her father, if she's dressed like a streetwalker. When I've told my BF she shouldn't be dressing that way around him, he just says it's society's fault, that she has to dress that way because that's what the media portrays, etc., and that he can't control how she dresses. Excuses, excuses. She was living under his roof, rent free, and he was supporting her...I think he could damned well lay down the law. I think he's scared of her, and she knows it.

Hi Dusty,

Welcome to our community

The first thing that came to mind when reading your horrible story, what about your own child? If your bf wants to bury his head in the sand which appears to be a pattern, do you want yourself and your own child exposed to her? I do not think I would love someone enough to put my own child and my well-being under so much insanity.

I assume that now your relationship with your bf is all about her, every night at dinner, waking hours the two of you spend time talking about her. Is that a relationship as a couple? You and your child are the outsiders and she is the center of daddy’s world.

Think about your own child, he may not seem to be having any issues but deep down who knows. I would be very clear and think long and hard about your priorities, is this you want in life? If you bf continues to excuse, bail out and reward her, can you give us an idea that you will ever see that change?

Psychopaths are born not created by events in life, the only way life influences them is how they are socialized. The conscience forms between 3 - 5 years of age, things do not change, with a father like your bf she will just learn to become cleverer in her actions.

What do you and your child deserve? It seems clear from what your bf has done to enable her so far will not change that is a fairy tale.

You are right dressing in a suggestive manner is NOT acceptable, see the pattern how he defends her every move big and small. How can he claim she was not selling drugs when caught red handed.

I hope you will think about you and your child, this kid is pure toxic.

I sincerely hope you read what I am saying in the intent as I see it.

You have seen the light, what to do next? Perhaps a list of the impact on you, your child, and the impact with your bf. I would suggest your child be the priority in any decision. This kid is ruling your relationship. It would be next to impossible to shake the denial from your bf and even so, what is the long-term damage to your own child to witness this denial of actions?

Di

You are right. My son and I maintain a separate home, there's no way we'd ever move in with my bf. When my son is home, I'm here with him and we do our own thing. My son has nothing to do with this girl, thankfully. I'm sure my son can sense the stress that all of this is causing me, which isn't fair to him.

I think I'm just ready to be done with it all. I disdain drama and chaos, and this girl seems to thrive on it and leave a trail of disorder just walking through a room. Even if I'm not around her, she effects my life. If my boyfriend and I are together, she will call his cell phone nonstop for stupid reasons. Always an emergency to get him to leave me and run to her. At 19 you'd think she'd want a life and be out doing things with friends (except she doesn't have any friends). I thought there was a glimmer of hope after the whole drug dealing episode when she broke the ultimatum he gave her and he kicked her out and said he was finally finished with her. She has stolen money from him repeatedly. She's lied to her mother and had her mother threaten to call social services on him. But, I know how good she is at "hooking" him and manipulating him. If I say anything about it, he'll accuse me of not wanting him to be a parent and help his child. She actually had her father believing that she didn't do anything wrong in the drug dealing episode...it was her boyfriend who was dealing the drugs...she was just simply driving the car. AND...the only reason the boyfriend was dealing drugs is because he needed the money to pay for college...Please. What a sob story. I've waited and waited for her to grow up and start acting right. It's only getting worse. Now, my boyfriend is saying she could possibly act this way until she's 25. He used to say 23 until her "brain was fully formed" and she could act right. I guess when she's 25, he'll say "Oh, it takes until 30 before some people can mature and act right."

I don't want anything to do with her. My boyfriend has threatened that he can't be with someone who doesn't like his daughter, and whom his daughter doesn't like. HA! Good luck finding someone his daughter WILL like. I really don't think she wants him to be with anyone else. She can manipulate him much easier if he's alone and no one from the outside is looking in at their dysfunction. I feel sorry for him. He'll die alone. My counselor (yes, I'M the one in counseling over this) said that his daughter will drop him like a bad habit when she can no longer use him for anything and he will be alone. The counselor also said that any relationship this girl is in will be a train wreck. I've seen that already...she's had two boyfriends and they've been highly dysfunctional...screaming, fighting, my boyfriend getting into the middle of it. She will be running back home to daddy constantly, only soon she'll be bringing her offspring with her for her daddy to raise. OMG, what a nightmare!

Hi, your bf is starting to sound like a nightmare himself. Thinking like a miracle at 23 she will snap awake. Sounds like he has some severe boundary issues himself. I can understand how all the attention she is demanding would be quite annoying. If you do decide to leave and when you have any second thoughts just play some of the drama back in your mind as a refresher course. Kids are very smart these days I would bet your son notices the stress you are under. I think you sound like you deserve a whole lot better out of a relationship. Really this is a relationship that is crowded with 3.

I am really glad to hear you are seeing a therapist for yourself, she can help set some boundaries for yourself.

The drug thing really shows how out of it he is in his thinking, more like a total enababler it sounds like.

You will never come first and that is what a relationship that is healthy is needed.

If you are comfortable what is your therapist saying about his kid?

Di

Just an observation toilet issues etc. seem to be common with these young Psychos, lots of bed wetting etc, haven't heard tossing the toilet paper in the trash can, now that is foul.

The total lack of boundaries with this girl did freak me out from the get go. She just lacks something. I don't know what...just some innate sense of boundaries. The way she would run her mouth at my boyfriend and act around his house, it was almost like she thought she was his wife. When I'd mention it to my bf, he would just turn it around to be my fault. In reality, he's scared to discipline her because he's scared she may not like him. I noticed she was younger, she would be friends with someone for a few days, or a few weeks at most...then she'd turn on that friend. Lots of times she'd have two friends over at the same time and turn them against each other and make them fight. My boyfriend would say, "That's just the way girls are..."

After the drug dealing incident when he told me he was going to "do whatever it takes to help her", i.e., giving her anther car to drive, letting her live with him, trying to babysit her to make sure she wasn't doing drugs, etc., I told him he was a fool and that she was going to be the ruination of him. I begged him to hold her accountable in some way. I told him she was in a downward spiral and he was going to go down with her and possibly end up losing everything and I didn't want to be involved. He told me he was smart enough to not let that happen. He has no clue how cunning his daughter is and how she will always hook him back in to her dysfunctional ways. He will always be her enabler, and she will always use him. I think now the "hook" is a month in rehab and needing a place to live when she gets out. My bf will feel that if he doesn't give her a place to live and help her and babysit her, that it will be all HIS fault if she goes back to doing drugs. I would love to talk to her counselors there and tell them what she really is.

My counselor says the only way this girl has a chance of getting her act together is if she hits rock bottom and suffers for a long time. She says that my bf will never allow that to happen, he will always want to save her and help her. In doing so, he is just enabling her. I just wish his daughter would find another victim.

I feel like an idiot that I've wasted 10 years waiting for a psychopath with an enabling guilty father to change. I hope she ends up in jail. Her trial isn't for a while and her mother hired a slick attorney. Because it's her first offense as an adult, she's liable to get off with a slap on the wrist. She'll be lying on the stand saying she was just driving the car and didn't know what her boyfriend was doing (nothing is ever her fault or her responsibility). She'll get off with a slap on the wrist and be laughing about it. The bar will be set higher, once again, for her next stunt.

Hi Dusty, don't be too hard on yourself, things just happened, all you did was hope for the best. These days you never know, hopefully she will get a judge with an iron gavel. It is really only a matter of time before she gets into trouble with the law the path she is going down.

I don't think rock bottom would do anything. Her dad and it seems like mom with the slick attorney will always be there to catch her.

Do you plan on splitting up with him soon? You learned, not wasted your time. Thank your lucky stars you never married or moved in with him.

If you do plan on getting out sooner than later please be prepared if he begs that he will change and you just don't understand. Don't forget he will never want someone who will not like his daughter, wish him luck on that deal. The fact he blamed anything on you over her conduct is a huge red flag. He would never be a partner, his daughter seems to be his full time work and partner.

It will still be tough but I think the peace from this drama machine will allow you to find your center. This guy sounds like an out of control kid himself. It is NOT normal to cover a drug deal by getting the kid a new car. I am sure when you look back you will see how NOT normal all of this has been. You a very nice person who hoped for the best.

Di

Thanks Di!

Yes, she will never hit rock bottom because her parents will not allow it...Plus, even if she does, from what I've seen, she is incapable of learning from anything because she doesn't view anything she does wrong as a wrongdoing. It's all a game to her...life is just a game to be played, and she'll use anyone she can for her own gain. She has zero accountability. I know the grandmother of two girls who are her age and they went to school with her. The grandmother told me that no one wants to be friends with this girl, because she's done so many kids wrong. She's never worked an 8 hour day in her life (she's been out of school for almost a year now). Anytime she's managed to hold a 4 hour a day part-time job, that's been good enough for her. No looking for a full-time job, no chores around her father's house, no car payments to worry about, no college, just enjoying her easy life. She's just going to use her father for the rest of his life. She will despise and rage at anyone who tries to enforce rules with her.

It's nuts how a spoiled adult kid can have the same behavioral traits as a psychopath. I honestly don't know if this girl IS a psychopath...which is why I came here, to get feedback to see if it's just typical spoiled teen behavior, or if she has a personality disorder. I guess it doesn't matter to have an official label slapped on it. She is what she is. She's been functioning in life for so long this way and she's learned that it works for her.

Dusty,

Is your relationship with this man worth all of this drama? Is it leaving you emotionally drained? Are you able to experience this much frustration without it affecting your relationship with your son? Emotionally draining relationships have a way of shifting our priorities. Try to stay focused that you and your happiness come first, then your son, then the bf with the parenting issues. Always keep yourself and your son as your main priorities. As much as you love your bf, you still need to keep your happiness and well being as your main priority.

I wonder if your bf's unhealthy relationship with his daughter is leaving him with enough healthy energy and attention to give you? You deserve to be happy. Can you still be happy in a relationship with a man who allows himself to be taken advantage of by his adult child? It takes strength to take a stand for what you believe is right/wrong. Your bf should respect your opinion. You should respect his parenting. If respect is lacking both ways, is this relationship healthy enough to continue pursuing?

I don't respect my boyfriend's parenting abilities in the least. I have a 15 y.o. son who has never given me a hard time over the fact that I have a relationship with someone. Why? Because he knows I wouldn't allow it. He also knows that he is the child, I am an adult, and if I want a relationship, I am entitled to have one. My bf and his daughter just have some kind of sick/twisted dynamic that she has created and he has allowed.

I'm seeing a counselor for myself, not because of the relationship. I am working on getting my own life back, making friendships again, and doing things without my boyfriend. My counselor wants me to leave the relationship, but we're working on it as a process...not an event, as she likes to say. The goal is that I can say to him, "You know what...this isn't working for me. Good bye" and have a minimal amount of heartache.

Trying to see what his daughter really is...a possible psychopath...is making it easier. I don't want someone like that in my life, or my son's life. She'll never go away...she'll never grow up and have a normal, independent life free of nonstop drama and manipulation.