Hello,
I have just registered here and have been reading through some of the discussions about psychopaths in the family, and many of the things people have written here have struck a chord. I can associate with the feelings expressed here- of isolation, shame, guilt, low self-esteem, paranoia, doubts of one's sanity, (which seems to be a common trick- 'you are the mad/bad/dangerous one, not me...') but most importantly, recovery, bravery, and self-awareness.

Something that I associated with is the sensation that you cannot discuss this with many people, a kind of fear of self-revelation, because most other people will recoil either in sympathy, disbelief, or horror. I have always been very wary of telling people, even those close to me, about my childhood and resulting damage. I don't know if others have sensed this, but often people think you are being dramatic, inventing things for attention, or you are seeing yourself as a victim. Mostly they don't believe you. It was helpful to come across a quotation about experiencing a kind of Hell others don't even have nightmares about. I was also brought up to believe that discussing emotions is for 'weak people'.

Reading some of your stories, I see how lucky I have been to have a very strong and supportive relationship with my mother, when many of you have had your entire family turned against you, or are dealing with more than one psychopath, because believe me, one is more than enough for anyone to handle! I would like to write down what has happened to me. I have been able to discuss this with a few close friends, and to reach a safe level of intimacy which has helped me greatly, but I feel I am still a long way from resolving all of this mess, a mess it is helpful, though it makes me sad, to see other people are dealing with as well.

I come from a traditional middle class, British background, and the psychopath in the family is my step-father, who married my mother when I was a toddler. My mother was a single mother, and my biological father moved abroad then died when I was young. My stepfather is a typical British conservative, respectable to all extents, and was looking for a trophy wife, and to have children, when we suspect he knew he was gay at the time. My mother was a good choice: she was young, innocent, a nice person, had been abused as a child, so was a good victim for him. For many years we were the 'perfect' family. They had 2 more sons, my half brothers, though my father (I will call him my father as he became the closest I had to a father) was really only interested in the firstborn. He has a ridiculous, old-fashioned English value-system- titles, first born sons, aristocracy, reputation, women must be fragrant and submissive, children are to be seen and not heard kind of nonsense. You may have read about characters like this in novels. He is too incredible to be true most of the time, but at all times amusing and entertaining, you can't help but get dragged along by the crazy glamour of it all. Except in the end it isn't funny at all.

He is a clever conman, and aspirational to an exaggerated degree, so for years we lived in very expensive houses, throwing grand parties, travelling, he was always going bankrupt then rising like a phoenix from the ashes, we started a cycle of luxury then poverty and chaos, moving houses, mysterious lies and disasters: once they put up 'for sale' signs outside the massive mansion we lived in. My mother phoned him at work and he laughed and convinced her it was for next door. Then the baillifs came, my mother was pregnant, and told her she had to leave the house within the hour. This is only one of many such stories. He spent our inheritance left by his parents, he took her sports car to work with him, given to her as a 21st present by her parents, and sold it. He ran a business for years without paying any employees' tax, he stole, conned, tricked and always wriggled out of it.

He asserted a very cold, British disciplinarian form of control over all of us. He would buy my mother clothes, make her dress how he liked, as if she were a doll. She could whip up a dinner party for fourteen at a few hours' notice, if he called from the office. We entertained lavish dinner parties, he had many colleagues and social friends, though few really close ones. He was handsome and charismatic, people fell for him in every way. We were trained to seek his affection and attention, which was often withdrawn for inexplicable reasons. He could be very cruel, and had a sarcastic sense of humour. he loved to humiliate people in public, close to the bone, but people laughed and we enabled him to continue, as to challenge him was to be punished. We were also expected to be the perfect children, ample opportunity for him to criticise the way we looked, behaved, thought, acted. It has taken me decades to escape this form of control, and sometimes I feel as if I am going mad, as he is still here inside my head. This is a familiar concept from reading about counselling and cognitive therapy, this interior monologue of criticism, loathing, bitchiness, endless, insidious negativity. It is as if these people can haunt you, and I fear nothing will change when he dies, as he will still be here.

He always made me feel, first of all, that I was not his child, but should be grateful for him having 'taken me on', and that I was somehow rebellious, wilful, naughty. It was a constant fight to be listened to, appreciated, respected and loved. I was a Daddy's girl, but was always made to feel somehow not quite good enough - too fat, not pretty enough, not clever enough. I developed an eating disorder, but was never huge, more plump. I suspect I did it to piss him off, to assert some kind of control. It would really upset him to have a plump, awkward child. He adores 'drag queeny' women, hollywood sirens, skinny divas, nothing you could ever actually be. He competed with me over boys, every boyfriend I took home to present like a puppy (I was trying to get approval, so I think the only way was to bring him cute young men for him to flirt with) he told me they were gay. He took the piss out of me when I met his new partner. I was 13, and his new partner was lovely, open, gentle, we got on well. My father accused me of flirting with his boyfriend! He is so competitive it is laughable. Unfortunately he is a misogynist,and does everything possible to denigrate women. No wonder I have turned out a little confused when it comes to relationships!

He began to make my mother believe she was sex-obsessed and fat, rejecting her all the time. Eventually he moved his young gay lover into the family house, so after rejecting her in bed, telling her she was insatiable, she should see a doctor, he waited until she slept then crept out of the doors into the garden and into the bedroom of our lodger. This was discovered, my mother confronted him about being gay and he went crazy, throwing her to the floor, kicking her in the face, and breaking her nose. He is physically very strong, and well-built, with a threatening, bullying manner about him, you always suspect he is capable of great violence, but it is mostly only used as a mind-game.

They divorced, and then there were many years of ugliness, masked by our attempt to keep the family together for the children's sake. He then had a boyfriend who is also a lovely person, supportive and kind, they are now separated. It was never a problem that he was gay, but that he was cruel, manipulative, mean, destructive, and has a talent for putting people against each other. There is more to this story but I think this post is getting very long!

Thanks for reading, if you got this far. I hope something I have said will help someone who has experienced anything similar. It has been cathartic to write it down, and believe me, there are far more twists and turns to all this, I get tired just thinking about it.

Dear cjp1,

I am so, so sorry to hear about your stepfather and your difficult experiences growing up. I cannot speak to living with a parental psychopath, but I can speak to the issue of the psychopath and sexuality. I do not believe the psychopaths truly have a sexual orientation. I think sex, like anything in their lives, is a personnae that they take on. They are chameleon-like. If there was something your father liked or wanted to get out of or use from a cute, young man, then that is what he did. Maybe he did it just to piss your mother off, who knows, really? That is simply how psychopaths operate. It sounds like your father's boyfriend, from whom he is now seperated, was also badly burned. He probably assumed your father was gay, just as your mother assumed he was straight, and he bought into all the lies, gifts, and flattery that your father lavished on him. Of course, none of them were truths, they were just things that your father said he thought the boyfriend wanted to hear. Psychopaths at their "best" are astute observers of others and will literally personify your ideal mate. That isn't really who they are at all. It is simply an illusion, but it is such a strong illusion of love, of that perfect person, that it is hard to let go of. Who wouldn't fall in love with someone who personifies your ideal mate?! Your father's next victim could be a man or a woman, depending on what he thinks he can gain from that person.

I was in a 10-year gay relationship when my psychopath met me. She was young, hadn't had a boyfriend, began questioning me as to whether she might be gay, calling me over to be her counselor, listen to her problems. The pity play is common in psychopaths. Looking back, I don't think she struggled, questioned, worried as most gay-questioning people do. She was simply curious. She saw me as a good victim, set her sights on me as someone she wanted, and if I was gay, well, then she would be gay. It probably sounded fun, interesting. She wanted to try it out. And she did, she tried me out, lavished words (and one should know they are only words, that psychopaths don't even know the meaning of the words they speak) of affection and love on me. She abruptly left me for a man.

So, I figured, well, she was really straight, at first. But then talking to her, she said, "I liked being gay". And I realized that was exactly what it was for her, a role, a fun role she enjoyed playing. When I asked her about being with a man, she said she didn't like that dynamic, but that he was a good boy. He did what he was told. So, I don't believe she is either gay or straight or bisexual. I think she is simply equal opportunity. She will take advantage of anyone who is willing to be empathetic, listen to her tales of woe, and allow her to use and dominate them emotionally and sexually. And, yes, even as a woman, she was a misogynist. She would talk negatively about woman, hated being a woman, questioned her gender, hated checking that box (female) on any form. Yet, when a man came along, you bet she played that role as sweet, little, obedient female.

So, I think you are right to say, "It was never a problem that he was gay, but that he was cruel, manipulative, mean, destructive, and has a talent for putting people against each other. There is more to this story but I think this post is getting very long!" The cruel, manipulative, destructive behavior is at the heart of who he is. Sexuality likely has very little to do with who he is. I do hope you will feel free to share more of your story in time. It does help to get it out.

Hi cjp1, welcome to our community. Never worry, our members read every word in an attempt to provide support and validation. If writing is helping I would be glad to put your story on it's own thread so the story can continue.

It is very and I say very often that no one thinks what you are saying could possible be true, I guess we believe in the boogey man and evil mosters as kids but as adults deny they exist.

It is very and I say very often that no one thinks what you are saying could possibly be true, I guess we believe in the boogey man and evil monsters as kids but as adults deny they don’t exist. Regardless of the discussing emotions being told to you as a sign of weakness when a person tries to discuss your background you aren’t showing any kind of weakness but trying to reach out and be heard. An immediate urge to judge comes to the front and they more than likely think you are exaggerating, making excuses or just being dramatic. Most families have their issues but you have/had a family with issues bigger than the sky.

Validation and support is the reason our community is here. I hope we can help you find the answers to the questions you are seeking. Unless someone else has walked in your shoes they will never understand. That doesn’t mean they are bad people, they just don’t “get it” and more than likely never will or even attempt to.

Wealth, appearances are blinders for most people, some crazy idea that having at least the appearance of wealth makes them someone to look up to so the surface never gets scratched. After all what a good guy, how kind he is in front of others, they don’t see the evil monster behind that gated community home.
Eating disorders of any kind tend to be about control, which is one thing some people can control. Do you think it could have started by negative attention was better than any positive attention from him? How did he treat you as a Daddy’s girl, was this in front of others and the other cruelty was behind anyone seeing it?

You mentioned the car your mom received as a 21 year birthday present, how old was she when she met him and how old was he? Did he sweep her off her feet and get married within a short period, did you ever find out how they met?

I would suspect he knew he was gay all the time, personally I believe you either are or aren’t and are born gay. It doesn’t sound like he tried too hard to hide in the closet, but with what you said he would need to hide that to promote his position in his mind. How long after marriage did your mother or you suspect so? I am guessing you were quite young when your mother married him?

IMO, He doesn’t deserve the title of father.
When you are ready, what brought about the divorce etc? Is your mom okay, not just mentally but physically?

It is possible to start a new healthy life; it will take a lot of work and be very painful at time. Taking away the black clouds will bring you the light you so much deserve.

I am glad it is helping you to write; I have many more questions about the constant status etc. but will give you a chance to fill in what you can now.



You will have the chance to heal with a lot of work. This took years to happen so an overnight healing would be wrong to tell you. With the will it will happen.

Di

Dear Skybluepaint,

Thank you for your reply to my thread, and for sharing your experiences. It´s a very interesting thought, that seuxality is also 'mimicked' like emotions, by psychopaths. It souunds like that was the case with your ex partner and it must have been terribly confusing for you.

I think, though, that my stepfather really is gay, and was supressing this, as he is ashamed of his own sexuality. He appeared to want to be straight, as this is more ´respectable´, at least it was at the time, it was not an open society in Britain in the early 70s, and he came from a publich school, strict background. When he was married to my mother he was very promiscuous, slept with many of their friends, and frequently travelled on business to countries like Morocco where it is easy to get young boys into bed. Not so much for their youth, but because they do what they are told. His partners have been younger and younger. His first serious gay relationship, after the divorce, was with a younger man, then after that with the man he is now married to, only five years or so older than me.

After the divorce none of the family had any problems accepting his being gay, in fact we have always been more comfrotable with it than him. My brothers were fine with it, and we loved his partner. My mother and his partner became very close friends, he made great efforts to keep the family together so we children would have contact with our father.
My stepfather hated the closeness we had with his new partner, he is predatory and cold when around other peoples' emotions and cannot bear to lose control or perceived control over everyone.

After he betrayed and robbed his partner, as he had done to my mother, she became friends with his expartner and she supported him through the rage which my stepfather is capable of.

Anyway, I'm digressing. Now he is married to another man who suits him better. He is completely controlled by my father and is also sly and mean. So I guess my stepfather really is gay!

He also shows a pathological hatred of female sexuality and the female body, which, as you can imagine, was difficult for my mother and myself. He is terrified of women, sees our intuition as proof we are meddling witches. All female sexuality. softness, femininity, were to be sneared at and repressed. But, like you say, maybe this is nothing to do with his sexuality and more to do with being rotten to the core. Nothing personal.
Well, an interesting debate. It always helps to know and learn more because knowledge is power.

Dear Dianne,
Thank you very much for your reply and comments. Yes, there is a lot more to the story, as you say, and it is very helpful for me to go through it as logically and chronologically as possible. I am able to discuss all of this with my mum, who is very well these days, thank you for asking about her, and more about that later, but it does help to set it out here in a place where I know I will not be judged, and will be believed. I didn't mean to sound critical of people who can't empathise or understand, it is normal, after all. I was just trying to explain why I very rarely talk about all of this. Perhaps I am too sensitive as well, and people would appreciate the opportunity to get to know me better if I were a bit more honest and forthcoming about my past. But sometimes it's such a headache you don't want to burden others with it as well!

In answer to your questions:

With regards to the over-eating and getting fat to annoy my step father yes, it is always about control. I started very young to wind him up in any way possible as my means of rebellion. My mum also developed an eating disorder, as he was constantly picking at the subject of weight, accusing her of being fat, to explain his rejection of her (rather than admitting he was gay), when in fact she was (and still is) a very beautiful woman, both inside and out. As a teenager I continued with this behaviour, trying to irritate him as much as possible because it seemed to be the only way to get any attention.This was the 80s, and it was very easy to dress in a way that he detested - eccentric and attention-seeking to say the least! I had my eyebrow and nose pierced, a small tattoo, wore very dramatic clothes and hair, and hung about with 'unsavoury' people just to irritate him, and it kind of worked. I think part of the psychology was - well, if you say/imply I am a disappointment as a daughter, or an embarrassment, then I really will be one. I think this pervaded all areas of my life, I had a very self-destructive streak, was determined not to be a success because he wouldn't be able to show off about it. I realised when I was about 30 that I would never get any kind of reaction from him anyway, and that I was only damaging myself by refusing to earn money/be successful in any way, and there was no need to live a bohemian life just to annoy him. If a side-product of me making something of myself was to make him proud, then I would have to deal with that. It really didn't matter what his opinion was any more. This was very liberating. However, I think it has affected my career long term, and I have always been followed by a sense of failure no matter what I achieve.

In response to how did he treat me when I was little and a bit of a Daddy's girl - well.... where do I start? He was very clever with the emotional abuse, knowing just how to draw you in and then spit you out. Affection and attention would be doled out like a King to his subjects, as and when he felt like it, and were used as tool for control. Gifts and money were also used to control, withheld if you were 'naughty' and lavishly given if you were 'good'. In front of others he mimicked the loving father, in fact I still have friends who believe him to be less dangerous than I say he is, insisting that maybe the best outcome would be to 'have some kind of relationship, heal, patch it over' etc when I know the best thing is to have as little contact with him as possible, and we will never, ever 'kiss and make up' He always convinced my friends how much he loves me, he's no fool. (We are estranged, for about 6 years now, on my insistence,I will go into this later). So he behaved like a good father for the benefit of others, and in some ways he was, we had an interesting and exciting childhood, a great education, cultural experience, social training etc. However, he was very cruel in extremely discreet and cunning ways. When I was an adolescent I tried to please him by dressing up for social occasions and weekends at his house (before becoming a punk/new romantic!) and I would wear skirts, heels, trying to be ladylike. He would always sneer a little at my outfits, or at the attempts to be a grown-up or feminine. He would always comment on my weight, my looks, and undermine me in all ways possible - my intellect and ideas as well, and in fact this is a clear example of not being able to eliminate someone's influence, as deeply ingrained, though I know on one level I am an attractive woman, I have a terrible need for male approval and to feel desirable, which is always undercut by self-loathing, confusion,self-doubt, and a submissive acceptance of bad treatment as inevitable because there is something intrinsically lacking in me, rather than the other person. I find it hard not to laugh because it is tragic but also funny if you have a black sense of humour (which I do). On birthdays, for example, my 21st he bought me a course of hypnotherapy to lose weight (!!) and even better, a few years later, in front of all the family I opened a birthday gift from him, a book about beauty hints and tips, called 'How to be beautiful'. There was a sharp intake of breath from everyone, and a very embarrassing pause. Then he realised it might look a little mean, so he bluffed 'Oh, I didn't mean it like that, I just know Claudia is interested in fashion and glamour and so on...' However, it wasn't only my looks he worked on, he also undermined my academic achievements, opinions, politics, personal views, ambitions (I always wanted to be a writer, and am getting there, but he made me feel far too stupid or had ridiculous expectations, another way to put someone off).

I did have counselling for about 6 months, as I suffered from depression and do still have bouts of it (not surprising really) and though it helped at the time, I now feel the counsellor also fell into this camp of not quite believing the story. She emphasised the things I have in common with him (There are many - social mobility, intellect, cultural tastes, ambitions, desire to travel, enjoyment of good things etc etc) and suggested I have taken on my mother's bitterness about the divorce, and am treating him unfairly, and should maybe try and forge some kind of relationship with him, as he is the only father I have. Hence this led to another decade of his involvement in my family, when I could have stayed estranged from him. I sometimes feel responsible for letting him back in, as from here he forged closer control over my brother, especially the older one, who then moved to London to go and work for him and has since become his lap dog in every sense of the word. But this is yet another story...

You asked about my mother. She is fine these days, serene and happy, despite some very difficult years. The divorce was horrible. She found out he was gay, apparently many of their social friends had assumed she knew throughout the marriage, so no-one had told her. As I said in a previous post, it was not easy to be openly gay in Britain in those times. After she found out, he beat her up, and they got divorced. Custody for us children was fiercely fought over, he tried to get custody of all 3 of us, laughable really, and tricked her on the divorce papers so he could get out of paying maintenance for many years. Consequently she had to work with 3 jobs to support us, while he would turn up occasionally and lavish gifts and holidays on us. My brother still refuses to admit any of this, and claims he did his best, and we are too harsh on him for the divorce and so on. My stepfather had another old-school, closet Queen as the judge, who supported him and believed his claims of my mother's 'hysteria, bad behaviour, promiscuity, unsuitability as a mother etc', all of which were false. Anyway, on the court steps after she luckily won custody with visitation rights for him, he grabbed her by the neck, pushed her against the wall and threatened that he would do all he could to 'see her on the streets, in the gutter where she deserved to be'. During the divorce he had her followed by a private detective, and even enlisted her parents to spy on her (who were afraid of him, he was a social class 'above' them).

If you see my previous post, you'll see I talk about his next partner, and the friendship between him and my mum, especially when he was badly burned. These days we stay on touch with him, I am very close to him, and he is a lovely person who has also suffered, and was left many thousands of pounds in debt after the separation, like my mum. My mum had psychotherapy for a few years and has come out of it healed and stable, with a much greater understanding of it all. There have been many more years of his bitter influence over our family, but she has survived, and has always supported me, and my brothers, though this has been complicated where they are concerned. I forgot to say, they met at work, yes, they married quite fast, she was only 20 or 21 when they married, already with me. Years later she told me she was also pregnant again from my biological father (who was nice enough but not very reliable) and my stepfather insisted she have an abortion before he marry her as he would 'accept one child not his own, but not two'. The implication was that he had always been generous and good to have married her with a baby already and she (we) should be grateful eternally.

At the risk of writing an awful lot, I feel I ought to tidy up and explain the next few years and start of the recovery process. 6 years ago my youngest brother died suddenly at 29, of a heart attack, and this was the catalyst for my not staying in contact with my stepfather. Although he had always treated my younger brother as a kind of embarrassment (he was not academic, and anyway, his father was obsessed with his first born son) he went into guilt over-drive (I struggled with this because for a man with no conscience did he in fact feel guilt over his bad fathering role? He had lost a son, yes, but his emotions were childish, only about him, not anyone else) and hijacked the funeral, refusing to travel in the same car as my mother and I, as he 'couldn't handle our emotions' as if we were hysterical harpies. He also had the whole order of service wrapped up, so he was speaking, then his boyfriend, then his ex, then a piece on behalf of my brother, then me and mum right at the end. I determined to get up at the service and say something about my little brother otherwise it would all have been from my stepfather's point of view. I refused to entertain his [censored] any more. He had abused and rejected his youngest son constantly, and he and I shared this feeling of second best, and supported each other. I am trying to be brief but there are a lot of details...

A few years previously my stepfather had bought a house in France, his holiday home, which he put in our names, 25% each for my 2 brothers, himself and I. When I asked him for help to buy a house he brushed me off (I wasn't asking for money,just for advice or ideas) and he also sent my younger brother packing when he asked for a loan to start a business, while setting up his oldest son in a flat, and putting him in charge of a business.) On my brother's death I inherited a share of his part, so I owned 33% of my step father's house. Within weeks of the funeral, all of us badly shocked and grieving, my step father saw an opportunity to get the share back at a reduced price, and started to bully me repeatedly, pressuring me to sell/give it back. This is a long story as well, but to cut it short, I decided I was no longer having this, and was very angry and as a result we have been fighting for the last 6 years about this issue. My other brother has been successfully turned against my mother and I, and believes I am money-grabbing, bitter, and so on. It appears my stepfather has finally got what he always wanted - to have his son to himself, and to turn him against my mother and I. This has been really hard, as I love my brother, but he has chosen to take sides, though I tried to persuade him it was not between him and I. In the end I have lost both my brothers in a way, and my mother has lost her other son. But it was no longer right to carry on trying to have a family for the sake of the kids, when the only way to have contact was to go along with the constant madness and brutality.

Saying no to his demands over the house has been my stand against him, the first act of assertion. I refuse to let him take advantage of me, and of my brother's death to get his property back. I have agreed to sell it back to him at a fifth of its market value, but still he bullies and pressures me. I now have the support of an uncle who we hadn't seen for years but are now becoming close to (it turns out his father was a psychopath, though less mean and nasty, just chaotic and flamboyant). This uncle is a QC (very high lawyer, sometimes works as a judge) and works in cases of fraud, criminal insanity etc etc so has studied these people, psychopathy and so on for years and has been prosecuting them legally for years as well). He has been an incredible support and has taken on my case in order to protect me and to help me through it. Also a kind of paternal role, he is a powerful and influential man, and the total opposite of my stepfather: protector of the vulnerable, fighter for peoples' rights, stands up to bullies and cheats. He has treated me with unconditional acceptance and love since we started to have contact 2 years or so ago. We also have the bond of being both brought up by a psychopath father. I find it a gorgeous twist in the tale to have found him late in life. My stepfather of course discredits him and his legal knowledge (!!) and must hate the fact that my mother and I have a family member and protector who is far richer and well-connected than he is. These things are not important to us, but they matter to him, who judges everything by money, titles, influence and reputation. It is because of my uncle I now know for sure that my stepfather is a psychopath and what exactly I am dealing with. I always thought he was insane in some way, or very, very bad, lacking a conscience. My uncle has stated that he shows all typical character traits of a psychopath, and he has negotiated on my behalf the legal battles that are going on. This insight has been enormously liberating but also very tough to come to terms with. I always suspected we were abused, dealing with something almost diabolical, but the extent of the abuse is now becoming clear, and it's quite hard to accept.

I am looking for help, and researching psychopathy at the moment, as I am aware I am very close to getting out of this, the last trace of emotional 'stickiness', then when this legal case is over I can walk away and never see him again. I did see him at my 40th, 2 years ago, always the victim, he persuaded my brother to get him an invite to my birthday drinks in London (I live in Madrid now) as he was 'devastated' I wouldn't see him. Seeing him was interesting. I was worried I would fall back into the old patterns of submissive behaviour but I was strong and not afraid of him. I felt this was a real breakthrough, as he now realises I am no longer his 'bitch'!. He was extremely uncomfortable around me, like a kind of cringeing dog who knows it's beaten. The only reason he had to get an invite was so he could hijack my birthday and talk about business again, the buying of my share of the house.

So... there you have it, more or less! I don't know if other people experience this, but thinking about this topic, and detailing it like this makes me feel physically nauseous, so there is only so much I can do at a time. There is so much loaded emotional content that I get a sort of short-circuit going on. Reading an abusive email from him brings on an instant migraine as well (I suffer from them occasionally). I am also aware that once the floodgates are opened I talk and talk.... this is a very long post, sorry.

Thank you for asking pertinent questions and for reading this. I feel now really is the time to get this poison out of my system. I am not in a position to have counselling, I live in Madrid, and mental health here is not so good unless you go private, which I don't have the money to do right now. Until we resolve this issue of the house sale I don't think I can be free of him, and what frightens me is the possibility he will never quite be eradicated from our lives and consciousness. I may never get my brother's respect and friendship back, as he adores his father and believes him to be a saint. he is like a member of a cult. I feel compassion for my stepfather while recognising what he is, he is unable to live a full and happy life, and is like an emotional tornado, destroying everything and everyone in his wake. While my mother and I, at least, can move on, he cannot. At the same time, sometimes I wish him dead, a terrible thing, but true. He has been so cruel and destructive to so many people I love, and to me. I think it is ok to admit this, honestly is always liberating.

Ok, enough for now, I feel drained! Thank you again, and feel free to ask anything, as this form of unravelling is very good for me and I am happy to be honest and open about all of this mess.
C

Dear Cjp,
Thanks for explaining further. It certainly sounds as if your stepfather is gay and was in denial for years while maintaining a facade of straightness, marrying a woman, for society's sake and appearances. This is actually true of my father as well who was raised in a conservative environment and stayed married to my mother for 20 years until his work took him elsewhere and he began to openly explore his homosexuality. He now lives with a partner whom I get along with well. I do think it takes a real emotional toll on the woman, my mom, to whom he was married. So, I can sympathize with the pain your mother must've gone through. It also sounds like he has very negative images of women, so that must have taken a toll on you both, your self-esteem, and further relationships. I would agree with Dianne that people are born gay, and I think my father, as well as yours, probably always was gay, but married a woman just because he thought that was what he was supposed to do and that it was most acceptable.

While it sounds like your father is clear in his sexuality, I do believe there are psychopaths who will gladly take on whatever sexuality works for them at the time being. I don't think my story is that unique, in that I have read stories from others who have had psychopaths leave them for the opposite sex and continue to switch back and forth between sexes. For me, it would've been easier if I could have accepted my partner left me for a man because she was in denial about being straight, but that wasn't really the case. She also grew up in a conservative environment and hated the roles women had to play, and in a sense hated women and hated being a woman. That was hard for me being her partner, and yet, in a way, it was part of the reason she probably was my partner. She didn't want to be the "woman" for a man. When there was simply a randy, empathetic old guy who wanted her and would listen to her emotional tales of childhood woes, often fabricated or exagerated, she was glad to take advantage of him.

I am curious as to how your stepfather continues to influence your thoughts, feelings, relationships. Do you still struggle with eating disorder, or have had other physical effects, illness, depression as a result of your early chaotic life living with a psychopath stepfather? Why has this come up now, at this point in your life? Has this been a continuous struggle or has it waxed and waned? Hopefully, you can find some peace and support here at this forum.

I can totally relate to a lot of your story. Except my dad's facade was that of the loveable, hippy drop out.

So my rebellion was to be uber conventional.

The last time we spoke I can remember him screaming at me to 'take a prize for being so f***ing responsible'. I find that part utterly hilarious.

But I know that if we'd had that conversation in person, and not over the phone, he would have beaten me to a pulp.

Nobody leaves him. Ever. Not quite so funny.

Sorry for what brought you here. Glad you found us though.

You write beautifully, by the way. I can empathise with the capacity for them undermining everything about who you are and what is important to you. I describe myself as an empty room with the good bits shoved into the corners, so nobody can trample over them.

Oh, and 'bitch' is a word he used (except it was '****ing bitch'). It's a trigger for me now, that word, when I hear other people saying it out loud.

Dear Starry,
Thanks for the message. Sounds like you had to put up with something similar, I couldn´t help but laugh about the comment about you being so responsible! It is fun to provoke, though, when you know it´s the only way to get back. I am all for rebellion in any form when you are being dominated so totally, it shows some spirit. I know what you mean about resistance being futile in a way, they are impossible when challenged, like spoilt children. My step father would lose control if you defied him, and you would always pay, maybe not at the time, if it was in front of other people, but later. And amazing what great actors they are, convincing everybody.
This is a very strange experience, talking to other people with similar stories, but great.
Thank you for the comment about writing. I have always fancied writing a novel with a character like my step father, something which terrifies him. Fact is sometimes stranger than fiction, and I think it´s important to laugh at them if you can.

Dear Skybluepaint,
Thanks for the message, and interesting to hear your thoughts. I agree, some people are chameleons and can switch to whatever suits them, whoever is most controllable. Mostly it makes me sad that people like that ruin everybody´s lives and make many more people unhappy, rather than being honest.

I feel that my relationship with my step father has touched almost all aspects of my personality. I think I am incapable of close relationships with men, because of the years of his very confusing abuse and the erosion of my identity. But it is very helpful to learn more about his condition. I think it has come up now because I only recently found out he is a psychopath, and am researching the effects, in an effort to understand what it means to have had a psychopath as a parent. I still struggle to control my eating, but that is doable. The women in my family are prone to depression anyway, so I am trying to separate what is symptomatic of that, and what I need to work through regarding him. After many years I feel it´s been a constant struggle to come to terms with what he has done to me and my family. My mother and I have come a long way, but I still feel he holds me back in terms of self-confidence and intimacy. I am still stuck in a legal battle with him that has been going on for six years, he knows I am having money problems and is holding back resolving this just to mess with me. With the death of my brother and a serious operation a year after ( I had a tumour and had to have facial surgery, and a long recovery process) the last few years have been tough, especially with him in his ´rage´stage, which is exhausting to cope with. So this is probably why it has come up now. I feel the end is really close, if I can just extracate myself from this legal business then he will have no hold on me other than controlling my brother and ensuring we are not close. Recently, during bouts of depression I have wandered if I am not far more messed up than I believed before. it´s very hard for me to admit to needing help, as I have always been very self-sufficient and strong-willed. It is part of my defense against him that he will not break me or grind me down, and i think I carry on through anger a lot of the time. I am aware that I have some serious issies and would like to work through them now. He has always led me to believe that I am unstable and neurotic, but I think it shpws a strength of character to try and face these things.

Hi, I think when a person reaches out for help, the healing begins. There will be rough times sometimes but it is like purging the poison.



I have faith from what you are doing to really understand why and how he did all this will help if it is meant to be have trust, you never really ever had trust. It must have been a very traumatic time and as a child impossible to process.

Thank you for answering about your mom, it is good you both survived and kept a relationship. Sometimes it is just impossible or they come around in time like your brother. There was nothing you could have done to make the outcome any different; he is using his own free will to decide poorly or not. I would suggest just keeping the door open and if you have tried to get him to see things how they were his denial is his shield for now. When/if you do have contact with him perhaps avoiding your step father or the past to see if you can start minus the baggage. Besides as long as he is under your step fathers grasp anything said will go directly back to him.

It is a shame that therapist told you that. We have an understanding that because someone has a credential they know what they are doing. While there are many good/great therapists, I always thought their role was to support you and it doesn't sound like that happened.

When you mentioned your attorney friend I had this image in my mind of him flying in to help you riding on the wings of a thousand angels. I don't get the idea he will let you come out without your due right. Lawsuits just take forever and his appearance is a miracle indeed. Many miracles will come your way.

Exploring what went on will help in the end, you will be able to bloom into the person you never were allowed to be. By taking this first huge step and speaking about the past I hope will help you find the answers you are seeking.

We are here for you. We care that you will become a healthy survivor. Have you had a chance to explore what PTSD does and how it has probably been a part of your life for most or all of it.

Di

Isn't it interesting how much we see ourselves through their eyes? Almost like, in order to survive we had to somehow lose contact with who we are, and how we feel, in the attempt to try and work out a way of defending ourselves against the onslaught?

Let me give you an example, because I'm not sure what I wrote it very clear. I've just finished some sessions with an OT. The sessions were to help my PTSD symptoms, which have dominated my whole life. A lot of my energy has gone towards trying to deal with them over the years, so a lot of the time I feel utterly exhausted (to the point where I can barely get up out of bed and face the day). I also have panic attacks, IBS, nightmares, hypervigilance...the usual.

Anyway, time and time again during my sessions the OT told me I was telling my story through what I thought was his perspective: his intention was this, his aim was to do that...I hadn't noticed I was doing that. I mean, I know why I was doing it - I had to try and stay one step ahead of him all the time in order to try and deflect the worst. That's where most of my energy went. I had to try and understand what the merest twitch of a nostril would mean for me, what the slightest smirk meant, the tiniest change in his breathing. I had to, because my life depended on it. I mean that literally, as he told me time and time again that if I made him angry he would kill me. I'm now an absolute expert at dealing with people's anger, in the sense that nobody can stay angry with me, even if they get to the point where they're angry with me, because I had to learn to cope with his murderous rage.

The OT kept telling me that to try and be inside his head is not a nice place to be, and that I couldn't know how he thought because I was not him. I agreed with the first part, definitely. But I felt a bit hacked off at the second part. Trust me, I know him better than he knows himself, I can slip into his train of thought very easily. It's almost like there are two parallel versions of the story going on at the same time: mine and his. Orwell calls this capacity to hold two seemingly mutually exclusive trains of thought in one's head at the same time 'doublethink'. I did get what she was trying to say though. She was trying to get me to tap into me, in order to feel more secure in myself.

So there came a point in the sessions where I would notice that I was speaking from his perspective. Then I would go to say something and catch myself just as I was opening my mouth. Then I started to say 'I think that his aim was...', or 'I feel he was trying to...'. Then I started to tap into how I felt about it all.

And wow, the wave of rage was incredible. I remember coming out with 'how dare he do that to me. How dare he do that to another human being'. I was practically choking on the words (choking with rage...ha ha!). And she repeated what I said back to me. I was struck by how powerful it sounded.

Then we talked about my worries that if I tapped into my own anger, I would turn into him. She helped me understand that I've used my (for many years suppressed) anger in lots of very constructive ways. Some have been to help others (women in similar situations to myself), and some have been to try and heal myself (the creative stuff I do). So in that way, in reaching out and building bridges with other people and in creating things, I'm very different from him. Utterly different from him. He's all about destruction, I'm very clearly not.

Yes, I've struggled with an eating disorder for many years too (most of my life). A lot of the 'medical profession' has judged me for it...rap on the knuckles, bad girl. But it's really an expression of something, an expression of feelings, a way to try and control the situation and try and change my state of mind. So I see it differently from the way the 'medical establishment' sees it. And I'm damn well entitled to my opinion on it.

But when it came down to it, when the chips were down, I chose life. I chose life because, like yourself, I chose to remove myself from it all and escape. I tricked him, and I escaped. I promised him I would be back, at the same time knowing full well that I had no intention in hell of returning (this promise came after 10 days of being starved of all food and practically everything to drink except alcohol, and repeatedly assaulted by him in various ways. It wasn't a conscious thought process or conscious decision, because I was not in a place to be stringing any train of thought together at that point. It was totally instinctive). I knew the last time I looked at him that it was going to be the last time I ever saw him.

I didn't mean to write so much about myself, I'm sorry. I hope my story helps you in some way, perhaps by bringing you comfort or lessening the feeling of isolation. Something positive in any way, I hope.

I wanted to recommend a book to you. It's by Judith Herman, and it's called 'Trauma and Recovery'. It's been one of the best books I've read about all of this, very well researched by really powerfully written too...visceral.

Writing about yourself is a good thing, it helps others to hear your voice;)

On this link you can see "inside" the book you reference.

Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman

Di

Thank you Di. Your comments are always very validating. I really appreciate that

Dear Dianne,
Thank you for your mail and comments. I think one of the worst things has been an eternal sense of isolation, despite being able to talk clearly with my mother and offer each other a lot of support. This is why it is a painful but good thing for me to be able to write about it all here and to discuss it with other people.

I agree with your comment about my brother, and I have always left the door open for him, and try not to bring up the subject when we are together, which is rarely. You can't and shouldn't try to control how anyone thinks or feels, though it is very frustrating at times not to be able to communicate with him.

Interesting what you said about everything I tell him going straight back to my step father, because exactly this happened a while ago. My brother complains of complicity and secretiveness between my mother and I, he perhaps has a point, and he argues for openness and lack of secrets. Everyone should speak up. Yet when we do: he asked me to explain to him why I am angry with his father and how I feel about the situation - my step father has always used him as a messenger boy and a pawn, to pit us all against each other. This was during the legal negotiations over the house. So I mailed him a long, sincere mail detailing my opinion and feelings. Two interesting things happened: that first I was shouted down and bullied by both of them, as no conflicting opinion is ever valid, no-one else's feelings hold any weight. Then my father started with abusive emails, sending me a mail where my original mail to my brother (in which I had specifically asked him not to show my step father) was copied into him. The betrayal of trust didn't surprise me, yet it was hurtful that my brother could not even see he had done an unethical thing. Then he complains of lack of openness. Also my step father shortly sent me a laughable email, a scanned document in it in which there was a communication between him and his French notaire, underneath which, poorly obscured, was a clause instructing the notaire to remove me from the will so it all goes to my brother, who is, presumably 'a good boy'. These childish, spiteful games wear me out, after so many years.

Yes, although I had some help from the therapist I think I could have had a better one. Maybe that has also kept me from trying again to unravel some of this psychological mess. Plus there were repercussions and consequences: had I know what I do now I would not have encouraged contact with him again. At least I have always had control: it has been, since I was a young woman, me and not him who has dictated whether we have contact. In the end it has been me who has rejected him, not the other way round.

It's funny you should say that about my uncle, the 'cavalry!' I also feel that I can absolutely put my trust in this person, who has my best interests at heart, and who fully understands the years of abuse I have had to live with. he is behind me all the way. He has shown compassion, gentleness and protection toward me, which have been at the same time wonderful and painful, as I never had them from a paternal figure. I find it quite intense emotionally to spend time with him, and it is amazing how much we have in common. He has a keen interest in classical horsemanship, and rides and has a farm, and I see him as a kind of knight coming to the rescue! He is the total opposite of my step father, and what he aspired a little to be: an upstanding gentleman, well-connected, powerful, loved.

Thank you again for the discussions and the support. This is a painful issue and it is a great help to find a group of people who can help. It seems to be something people didn't talk about, but now there is more awareness, thankfully. I never thought anyone else could have had the same crazy mind games and endless emotional trauma, I don't know why it didn't occur to me.

I must say I know very little about PTSD, apart from it usually being associated with combat trauma. Some vague knowledge. It wouldn't have occurred to me that I may be suffering from it. I suppose anything's possible!
Thanks again for your help.

Hi Starry,
Thank you for your message, and for sharing some of your experiences as well. I was interested in what you had to say about the emotional second-guessing that was part of the territory. Yes, we become experts at guessing others' emotions, and total strangers to our own. If you ask me 'how do you feel?' I can't answer. I have to stop and think because I don't know how I feel about anything. I know how I think, but feel...? I had less of a threat than you did, by the sounds of it. How awful for you to have to go through his abuse. Were you young when you finally left? That is the only option here, to walk away.

In my family the only person's emotions who mattered were those of my stepfather. He was like a predator. I agree, you have to hide yourself so far away inside, in a place so impossible to access, in order to protect yourself from invasion. Then later in life you are unable to open that part of you. It's gone. So who are you, in fact? You don't even know yourself. You find yourself wasting a lot of time and energy 'interviewing' people, sussing them out in case they are not trustworthy. Then you share little, and then wonder why you always seem isolated, emotionally cut off.

Let me give you an example of my step father's subtle, systematic eroding of my confidence. He could only really laugh with mirth at other people's expense, and had a vicious wit. he was funny, but as long as you didn't mind being the butt of his jokes. There was a family party when I was very small, lots of people in the garden, drinking, us kids in the pool. I was changing from my wet swimsuit into a dress: my mum had gone to get me some dry knickers. My step dad knew I had no pants on, so he asked me to go and pick something up the other side of the lawn. I didn't want to do it, but his form of control was stronger: I did it because I wanted to play along, be a good girl, and gain his approval. He took a photo of my bare bottom when I bent down, and yes, it was funny, it must have been cute, the blond girl with her bum in the air. But I also felt humiliated because of all his friends laughing. This was always his idea of a joke, and if you protested, you were 'over-sensitive'.

I agree that you cannot try and second-guess these monstrous people, even though you are pretty good at it, quite simply because you cannot reason with the mad. His ex partner said that to me one day, when we were in the middle of -do you think he meant that, is he going to do this or that? I know he probably means... He said - Look, don't even bother. There is no point trying to guess his mind or make the first move, who cares? You can't allow yourself to care. He's mad, and you can't reason with the mad.' I agree with him. You try to figure it out and you'll go mad yourself.

You say you struggle to be as different from him as possible. I do the same. I can't even bear to live in the same country as him. I like living in Spain, but cannot separate my loathing of him with what England sums up. I'd say that's pretty traumatised! I shy away from English men just in case they are like him. I can't listen to opera, even though it's beautiful because it reminds me of him, and being mocked for my cultural lack of knowledge or taste. I know what you mean about suppressed anger, mine scares the crap out of me. I wouldn't know where to start letting it out, and more worryingly, where to stop. A close friend of mine said the effect my stepfather has on him (a gentle, kind, intuitive soul) is that he wants to stab him. He brings out the same visceral hatred sometimes in me. I would like him to die, to just go away and leave us all alone. I don't wish him any ill, I just want him as far away as possible from me.

But shaking off a family member like this isn't that easy, because they are so deeply ingrained in your sense of self that you end up being very confused. I think we can project a brittle outer shell to everyone, the appearance of a calm and stable personality, but then, on closer inspection we become needy children. The thought of dismantling the armour makes us feel queasy- what if we left ourselves unprotected for a second, what might have a chance to creep in and meddle with us? Hm, now you come to mention it I can see perhaps a level of paranoia and defence that might have something to do with PTSD. I think unwittingly we live with symptoms of terrible stress for many years, without attributing them to the tremendous trauma we have been through. I become easily laid low by migraines, osteo-arthritis, tiredness, but talking about these issues seems to give me more energy. I feel physically sick when remembering him and talking about him, but much better afterwards, like having poison slowly lanced.

I'll try and get hold of that book, thanks.

It's really helped me a lot reading what you've posted, especially what you say in regards to yourself.



I think you've absolutely hit the nail on the head here. What these people do is a kind of severing at every level. these people are masters of this, from the largest severing to the very smallest.

They start with severing one's thinking/feeling axis. My theory is that we feel good and in harmony with ourselves when what we think tallies with how we feel about someone/something. And there is disharmony when how we think is in contrast with how we feel. So these people exploit that, to the max. One example from my own life:my head said 'don't be silly, he's my dad' while my gut feeling told me not to trust him and to get away, as far and as fast, as I could.

On a much smaller scale, the capacity to think, to string a train of thought together (and possibly take action as a result) requires your brain to make connections. So they set out to sever all of those as well. There are times when I felt absolutely frozen to the spot in sheer terror. There was nothing going through my head at all, no thoughts, no action, just frozen, rooted to the spot and the feeling of utter terror. It's one of the things I have flashbacks too.

If a person is the connections they make, their memories, their thought process, their voice, their ability to express themselves, then these people commit a kind of murder as the sum of what they do destroys all of this. It's not necessarily a physical murder (although that sometimes happens), but a murder of the soul.

I remember the moment when I realized all of this, I remember it very clearly. I realized what I needed to do to come back from this place. If his mission was all to do with severing, then my work was going to be about reconnecting. That reconnection could be any kind of reconnection. I'm particularly proud of being able to have a train of thought, and to carry that train of thought through from the first flash to a kind of 'completion', where I can resolve the issues in my mind and present a coherent and well thought through argument to the world. I know it sounds really daft and pathetic, but I see it as the opposite of that moment of frozen terror, where I was completely unable to think anything at all.

The reconnecting with the feelings has been much, much more difficult, and much more frightening. If you ask me how I feel about him it would vary, from an 'I could spit on him' kind of anger to a murderous rage. I remember doing a kind of 'body feeling meditation' with a therapist, and once I relaxed and tuned in, the first feeling I had was a kind of electric shock going up my spine and my arm did a huge big circling, stabbing motion.

But anger is a feeling, it is energy...it is a reconnection even! So that's a plus, a step forwards. And there have been times when it's felt really, really exhilarating too. The question for me now is what do I do with that huge amount of energy?




Thank you for that. I understand what's been happening and how I feel a lot more now.


I'll post some more later. Feeling knackered now.

Hi starry,
Thanks again for the posting. It looks like this is something you have studied and thought about a lot, in an attempt to tackle it. It also helps me to read about how you feel with regards to self-image, as I am beginning to realise just how damaged mine is, as I delve into this more and more and come to undertsand my 'enemy' and what has happened to me. I forgot to comment on something you said in a previos post about going through therapy and having it pointed out that you refer to yourself with his opinions and viewpoint. I do exactly the same, and am trying very hard to work out who I rally am, not who he told me I am. If I were to believe him it would go something like this - ugly, intellectually inferior, naive, awkward, neurotic, over-emotional, sexually promiscuous, available, a doormat, helpless fag-hag, irresponsable, selfish, out of the loop, badly-dressed, sexually repulsive (just for being a woman), and never, ever good enough on any scale/criteria he chose! However, if I look at how normal people react to me, it is to someone who is wise, good fun, clued up, confident, kind, attractive, interesting, academically gifted, artistic, expressive.... etc etc. And even as I write this, how intersting that I talk about what he said about me, then what other people probably think about me, not about me and my opinion.

I thought your remarks about severing and connections were very interesting as well. Yes, in a sense it was like being brought up as a human Bonsai - no room to grow, branch out, blossom into yourself- in fact quite the reverse, any little sign of individuality, defiance, originality, in fact the slightest twitch of a ´feeling´about anything and ´snip´! off that comes straight away. So we are left stultified, frozen, as you say, our development arrested. I think every time you make a connection you are triumphing, following an argument through and so on- good for you. The little triumphs are important as well as the big ones.

I was not subjected to physical abuse or death-threats, that must be unimaginably frightening, but I do understand the ´frozen´feeling you talk about. He was intellectually faster than me, at say, 10 years old (wow, Brain of Britain!) and from a very early age put me down intellectually. I can safely say as an adult I am far smarter than he is, though he has an animal-like cunning. But that´s insulting to animals. Anyway, he would cut me up, be contrary, lampoon me in public, arguu out any sign of dissent, so often when asked my opinion, or given the chance to disagree, I would end up ´frozen´, not knowing what to say back, in case he caught me out/criticised me/pre-empted me/laughed at me/became angry and all the other pathetic, tiresome eventualities.

The result is a kind of emotional numbness which can be crippling. A tendency to self-efface in a way that suggests you are not even there, you matter so little, your feelings and opinions matter so little that everybody in the entire world must come first, before you dare to ask for something or dare to reject something you don´t like. After all, a lot of effort went into persuading you that you must rub out yourself bit by bit if you were to survive. That you must put up with a daily dose of things you don´t like and didn´t ask for, and have no voice or power to reject. Defiance is a wonderful thing, and as you say, anger is an energy in itself. I know excatly where you are coming from with the repressed rage, in fact it has made me smile thinking about your therapy and the arm circling and stabbing as if by itself!... My mother and I have laughed ourselves sick by discussing the many ways we can actually go and dance on his grave, while singing ´ding dong, the witsh is dead....´´ like the witches he always said we are, on the night of his funeral. Just because the idea is so shocking, we find it ridiculously funny. Like I said in another post, one of my closest friends who is very intuitive and good at reading people, also a gay man, said on the few occasions he´s met my step father, he´s experienced a sudden surge of anger and desire to stab him in the stomach. Very specific. And that´s only knowing about what he did to me, not experiencing it. I waver between compassion - what must it be like to be such a freak, such a sad, isolated, mean, unloved and unlovable monster? And white-hot hatred. I have seen myslef in my mind's eye repeatedly punching him in the face, pushing him off cliffs, whacking him round the head with a frying pan.... the list is endless. I do not agree with the sentimental idea that ´family is sacred´when you have a monster in your family, and I think it´s healthy to say Í hope he dies soon´' because that´s honest, and would really be best for everyone, all round. Even him, probably.

I am so, so glad that you have found a few things in what I have said that have helped you. I have very little to offer but my own confusion and conclusions I have come to about how to deal with psychopaths, but if that helps anyone, even a little, then that´s really something. It is also extremely helpful to communicate with equally complex people who are also striving to heal themselves.

Got to go back to work now....
x

Thank you.

I was very lucky to meet someone who had worked for many years as a psychotherapist in a secure unit (our equivalent of Broadmoor) a few years ago. I talked to her about it a couple of times. She believed me, totally got what he was about and set me on the path, thinking and reading up about it.

It was only a couple of years ago that I realized I had some chronic medical conditions that were almost definitely related what I experienced with my dad. It's easy for me to ignore my body, and detach from it, so a lot of the time it doesn't even register what's going on with it. But yes, I would say that the chronic stuff is there because of it all.

I wrote a long answer about complex PTSD, but my computer crashed...dang! I'll write it all again at some point. Probably in a couple of weeks, as we have rellies coming to stay.

I also do the 'interviewing people' thing. Although I hadn't realized I was doing it. So thank you for bringing that to my attention. You have a great deal to offer, so I would disgree there

Hi Starry, see there is some merit in having a save in Word compulsion;)

The one physical symptom that I have heard about besides the PTSD is long term exposure to Psychopaths has been known to take a heavy toll on the auto immune system.

Just guessing the one phrase someone might use the most being raised/around these monsters is "I'm sorry". They get others to take resposibility for their cruelty and actions with those two words.

Di

Hello Starry, cjp1, Skybluepaint, and others.

My healing work began in the present and has been slowly working backwards into the past. Everything has been buried so deep, for so long, that I only recently have begun to reflect on my childhood as a means to help understand who I am today.

My step father was also a psychopath. He was abusive and controlling to say the least. Sometimes it is easy to write about this stuff, and the words flow effortlessly. At other times, such as at this particular moment, by body and mind tense up with an automatic reaction to avoid even recalling the bad memories. A tension in the chest and shoulders. A tightening in the throat. The adrenaline feeling in the stomach. The overwhelming sense of sadness as I look back at my painful childhood. Emotions that hurt so bad they can be felt physically.

Where to start?

My parents divorced when I was two years old. Shortly after, my mother began dating the psychopath, who would eventually be my step father. He moved in to our house with us. My early memories are of being closely attached to him as a father figure. We would find out years later that he had an ex-wife, and had a daughter with her, my age- whom he had abandoned. Maybe that was why he "adored" me as he did initially. I was the good girl, and my older sister was the bad girl. The verbal and physical abuse began with her immediately. As I grew older, and after the birth of my brother, I was a bad girl as well.

I don't recall any of our behaviors being that bad, but the punishments were always extreme. We were always on his "shit list." Speaking for ourselves, or voicing our opinion, was considered "talking back." Any expression of our emotions was considered an "attitude problem," and the punishments that followed were considered part of his "attitude adjustment." We weren't communicating with each other as an expression of our individuality or our personalities. I remember thinking about and calculating my conversations to be what what my parents wanted to hear.

My mother was manipulated and abused as well, with a thick codependant dynamic between them. She either joined his campaign of hatred, belittlement and punishment against us, or she was silently "on our side." When I say "on our side," it was as if she was another one of the children being abused. United in silence over the injustice? His rage was frequently followed by her codependant passiveness. There were also plenty of times they raged together against us.

Extreme punishment? Around the age of 4 I was made to stand in the corner, with the tip of my nose touching the wall. It had to keep touching the wall. I was told to "think about" what I had done wrong. For hours and hours. When I close my eyes I can still see the blurry pattern of the wallpaper just an inch or so in front of my eyes. They took a picture of me standing there, they thought I looked cute. Punishment and mockery at the same time. I stood there for so long in the same spot that I began to sweat and get nauseous. I vomited all over myself and the floor.

My sister was told repeatedly that she was fat and ugly. We were called "airheads". We were "lazy". "Little F#$%ing Bitches." We got smacked across the face, repeatedly. I have memories of my sisters cheeks being flaming red as she ran down the hallway to go to her room and "think about" whatever she had done. We were dragged and yanked around by our hair. Screamed at face to face, with his crazy hateful eyes inches from ours, spit flying in our faces as he screamed insults at us.

We were not allowed to cry. When our faces tensed up in painful grimaces while we tried not to cry, we were told to "wipe that stupid F#$%ing look off of our faces," or he would slap it off for us. When we finally broke down in waves of tears and sobbing we were told "it makes me sick to look at you. Go to your room and get the F#$k out of my face!"

We were constantly told that we were bad, bad, bad. We had excessive amounts of chores. They were expected to be done to a certain level of perfection. One night, my sister had forgotten to take the garbage out. Hours after we had been in bed and asleep, we awoke when our bedroom door flew open. The bright lights were flicked on and my sister got dragged out of bed, by her hair. She was dragged down the hall and in to the kitchen while being screamed at. He took the lid off the garbage can and shoved her head in the garbage, face down. She was kicked and screamed at.

Many memories of laying in bed at night listening to the ranting and raving outside of my room. Either my sister or my mother being screamed at and hurt. Memories of the sounds of thuds, bangs, and things being smashed in violent rage. And afterward, the sound of my mother quitely sobbing. Pleading, apologizing, begging. Then calm, the quiet after the storm. The cycle of abuse.

Dear Violet,

You're very brave to be able to talk about this at all. It is beyond me sometimes how anyone can treat their family, or anyone, this way, unless, of course, they have no conscience. Bullying women and young children - it's the most pathetic parody of masculinity there is. I really felt for you when I was reading your story. The level of fear you must have lived with is incredible. It doesn't surprise me that there has been physical damage, but many things can be turned around with a lot of hard work. Given the trauma, the physical symptoms you mention when thinking and talking about it, I really believe you're brave to be tackling it, as it must be very painful every time you start. It made me react physically when reading it, so God knows how you must feel.

What happened? Did you get away? You must also be angry with your mother for not protecting you, even though she was abused as well. And the other members of your family? Only discuss it if you feel you want to. Do you ever think it might be easier just not to question who you are today, if that were possible, as it's been buried for so long and you've functioned all this time (more or less, I imagine) there must be a temptation not to bother looking back and trying to unlock it all. Especially as you know it's going to hurt. I'm not sure, but I think this wavering and suppressing is what really does us more harm in the end than finding a way to let it out.

I find a lot of emotion seems to be stored in the body, maybe we're all different, I don't know, but the older I get the more this makes sense. For the last couple of years I've been doing yoga, anything to re-connect with my body, as I do have this feeling of being cut off, disconnected from being in the moment, and I find it really helps, not just physically, but in making me more comfortable inside my own skin. It also makes me feel strong and calm, both very important and lacking for many years!...

I really have to go to bed now. I couldn't go to sleep without answering your message though.
Talk soon, thank you for being able to share some details of your past here.

Hi Starry,
Don't worry about re-typing the loooong email about PTSD, whenever you have time, relatives take precedence! Enjoy the visit. I'm sure in a couple of days I'll carry on with my daily stuff as well, rather than being kind of hooked on this forum! Bit of a novelty though at the moment, being able to talk to all of you about this.
Take care,

Isn't it just?

Cjp1,

In response to your questions....

What happened? It would be hard for me to write chronologically about 12 years of abuse. I will skip to the end for you at the moment. My psychopathic stepfather, he was pursuing a degree through night school. The absence of his constant physical presence in our house was a huge relief. Looking back, I might consider it the beginning of the end.

During the last few months before he was gone, his marriage to my mother completely fell apart. (It was never a strong or healthy marriage, but the few "positive" aspects disappeared). He became even more self-absorbed than he already had been. He was away at night school several nights a week, or intensely "studying" behind closed doors when he was home. His rage and irritation towards us children began to lean more heavily toward my mother. We were picked on less, she was picked on more.

They either were not speaking to each other, or they were fighting horribly. He began having an affair. It devastated my mother. She confronted him, he did not deny it. She begged and pleaded for him to stay all the way to the end. It went from him staying out until the middle of the night, to him staying out until the next morning. My mother pulled out the couch for him and made up a bed. In the morning when he had not come home, she folded up the couch and bed. This went on for weeks. Her making up the bed, him never coming home. She wept and wept. I hoped that he would just never come back.

My mother continued to wash all of his clothes, iron his work shirts. She continued to make dinner for the family, setting a spot at the dinner table for him. She desperately made some of his favorite dishes, baked goods. He would refuse to come to the table. She would knock on the closed door that he was behind. He would not respond. She would gently tell him through the door what she had cooked, she would beg him to come eat with us. He wouldn't even respond. She would return to the dinner table crying.

We had always ate dinner in silence (as children were to be seen and not heard). At this point we ate to the sound of my mother bitterly crying. It was so frustrating watching my mother hold on to any hope that the relationship would ever be salvaged. I had hated him for years. I knew in my heart that we would all be better without him. My then four-year-old brother (his child with my mother) would happily make toddler noises and chatter. It was the sound of that, mom crying, and the thick silence.

He ignored my mother and all of us. When he was home at the end, he was behind a closed door. I didn't get in trouble from him anymore at that point, I didn't exist. Neither did my baby brother. If he was passing from the closed off room to the bathroom, ,my little brother would run after him saying, "Daddy, daddy...". He ignored my brother too. It was as if he had decided he was done with all of us, and there was nothing else to communicate about. It was a tense few months at the end. Silent treatment that made you feel abandoned, yet fear that the rage could return at any moment.

As I write about this, I feel sad. It is a heavy feeling. I feel myself gaze away from the computer for a moment, as I stare at nothing in particular, my eyes glaze over a bit. It is almost as if my mind and body try to unconciously dissociate from these memories, at the same time I am trying to conciously dig into these compartmentalized pockets of memories from my painful past....

We came home one day, and all of his stuff was gone. All of it. There were only a few of his belongings still there, a few meaningless items that he obviously no longer wanted. My mother was devastated. Completely devastated. Over a decade of abuse and codependency had completely drained her.

As a young teen, I could not comprehend her pain. All I knew was relief. I was never sad that he was gone. I hated him for everything he had done to me. I hated him for how he had left my mother so extremely broken. She wept every day, for two years. I remember hugging her, holding her as she sobbed, telling her it would be ok. I remember telling her repeatedly, "at least you have us kids." I remember telling her the same things over and over again. I couldn't understand how she could mourn so badly. It felt like a new beginning to me, a second chance at a normal life. But my mother was completely mentally broken down.

She was so devastated over how it had ended. I tried to remind her of all the horrible things he had done, I tried to tell her how we were better off without him. It was almost as if she was hearing about all of the abuse for the first time. As if she was never present, or participating when all of the abuse had occured.

I never mourned over what had happened to us. I had to be strong, for my mom. It was a scary time, everyone was very concerned about her. He had alienated us from not only my biological father, but all of my mother's family as well. They were there immediately when he left. My mother's siblings stopped by the house daily, to check on her, offer support, encouragement. They would ask me if I wanted to talk about everything. I always told them I was fine, I was happy that he was gone. There was nothing else for me to say. When our family referred to "abuse" it felt like they were making a bigger deal out of everything than it was. I always knew it was bad, but looking back at it as an adult now, it was horrible.

My mother did nothing but cry for two years straight. It was a miracle that she held down her job. Because when she was home, all she did was cry. She cried, smoked cigarettes, and drank coffee. She did not eat, at all. It was as if her head and heart hurt so bad that it made her nauseous. She went from a healthy 140 lbs. to 90 lbs. My friends used to ask me what was wrong with her. They thought maybe she had cancer.

I did everything I could to be helpful, maintain our household. The many years of strict and excessive chores that I did as a young child made it quite easy for me to keep up the house as a young teen. I remember feelins a sense of happiness and freedom -like the munchkins at the end of the Wizard of Oz when they sing, "Ding Dong the witch is dead!" I happily stayed on top of all the housework and did most of the cooking. Yet no matter how clean the house was, and no matter what meal I had prepared, I couldn't make my mother happy. She was completely broken.

You asked, "Did I get away?"

The answer is yes, we got away. We did not have to escape from him, he simply moved on to his next victims. He made a few half-hearted attempts to see my young brother according to court-ordered visitation. It was random and inconsistent over a few years until he eventually abandoned my brother completely. He created some drama in the courts in regard to the divorce, custody and support of my brother. (At five-years old, my brother returned from a weekend with his father to report that he watched his father's girlfriend perform oral sex on him while they thought he was sleeping). It didn't take too long until it became too much trouble for him to maintain a relationship with my brother. He did end up paying court ordered child support, but made no effort to maintain contact with him in over fifteen years.

Surprisingly, I have not had too much anger with my mother over the abuse. After he was gone, so was the abuse. She was so emotionally fragile, it was almost as if I didn't have a parent for the first few years. When she regained her strength and spirit a few years later, I was an older and responsible teen. The new family unit of my mom, brother, and myself (living at home) was so much better than the abusive household which I had grown up in. It was such a relief when he was gone, we were united in strength and spirit to have lived beyond that life, and carrying blame and anger towards my mother just never happened.

My sister had moved out of the family home shortly before the end with my psychopath stepfather. She has had a stable relationship for the past 15 years. They have been married for five years, and have a child. They have their fair share of issues in their marriage, yet they are happy.

My brother struggles with issues regarding his dad abandoning him. It was not easy for him being raised without a father.

You are correct that the wavering and suppressing is what does us harm. I have struggled with depression, an eating disorder, and substance abuse for years. I tried to "drown out" all of the pain and memories with alcohol, smoking pot, and cigarettes. I tried to obtain happiness through restricting my eating, dieting and achieving thinness. Recently I have begun to take control over these compulsive habits. I am seeking true happiness peace and contentment. I am trying to reconnect with my authentic self. A big part of this process requires me to look back at the past, closely. I have to understand and embrace my old pain before I can fully experience my true happiness.

Of course I think that it would be easier to not question who I am today. There is definitely the temptation to avoid looking back, sorting things out. It is hard work. It is a backwards process, and it has been taking me quite awhile. I have achieved sobriety for several months. I am working through my past trying to fully be in the present. I do believe my peace and happiness are out there waiting for me. I can see rays of light peeking out way down at the end of the tunnel.

yes i was married to a physcopath but didnt know it at the time. i divorced him in 05 now bad luck came my way and he invited me into his home cause we have 3 babies together.controlling, agressive dark man,lies to much and it was wierd because i thought he had 2 personalities.go to bed happy wake up angry and attacking. i have come close to being broken by him he always says im crazy and turns everything he does around on me.i started researching yesterday about physcopaths and i saw my x described to a t. he has no emotion, no good ones any way and he treats my kids and i like we are trophys,we make him look better.grandioso thoughts in his head but he never does anything. he wants to win at everything be in control of everyone and he lives to make us as miserable as possible, i hate him, what he is dioing to the kids. abusing me in front of the kids with his words and behavior and my 5 year old boy is gonna think this is how you treat a lady. crap,i am a believer in god and i know full well he will have to pay the price some day.

Hi suncerae, welcome to our community, it is late so will answer you soon. In the meantime I moved your post to a thread titled "Married to a Psychopath".

Married to a Psychopath

Be back in a bit.

Di

Hi Suncerae,

I have just read your posting. So sorry to hear you are in this situation. It's one I understand very well, as I am very close to my mother, and she was married to a psychopath, my step father, for ten years. So I know how awful, destructive, abusive, and crazy-making they can be. I only joined here a couple of weeks ago, and am finding it extremely helpful to talk to people and read up, so I suggest you read as much as you can about this subject, as knowledge is power! You'll find it really helpful to find other people who recognise these character traits, and can advise you how to deal with them.

First of all, trying to convince you that you are crazy is a classic trick, my mother and I have lived with this for years now, we still have to have some contact with my stepfather because of my brother (his son). For as long as I can remember, my mother and I have been told we are crazy, paranoid, hysterical, manipulative etc etc, so don't believe this for a second when he tells you it, it's just a ploy to control you and confuse you. And they are such good liars they will almost convince you it's true.

I really feel for you and your situation, as you are in a difficult position, with children in the middle. I wouldn't know what to advise you. But as long as he is around he will be a poisonous, dangerous, destructive and negative influence on your family. I understand your hating him for treating you and your kids like this, it is hateful what these people do to others. I would advise you to have as little contact with him as you can, given that you have children together. And to try and limit his contact with the kids if you can. Be careful, as he will lie to them about you, and may do all he can to turn them against you.

You've got a tough job on your hands, and bear in mind you're being abused as well, so take care, and get as much help as you can. But it took my mother and I four decades to find out about my step father, to finally have it make some sense, and you are already researching and finding out about him, so you are on the right track, and have access to lots of help and advice.

Just send me a message if you want to talk more. I am not in the same situation, but I did have a psychopath as my father figure, so I can give you an idea of what could be in store for your children, and I really do sympathise.
Best wishes,
C

Dear Violet,
First of all, I'm a new user here, and not so good at the technical side... I thought I had replied to you but it now looks as though there isn't a thread here. So if I haven't replied, I am really sorry, especially as you shared so much in your posting. I remember writing you a really long answer but maybe it didn't get posted, and I haven't been on the site for a few days due to lots of work.

You really have been through hell and back. I am glad to hear you all escaped him and he finally left, also that you still have a good relationship with the rest of your family now. It sounds like you held it together, you were the strong one in the family, and now it's time for you. It is awful being abandoned when you don't know why, even though it's better for all concerned, at the time you have no idea what 'you've done wrong'. You've had to do without a father, and for a long time without a mother either. So you must be a very strong person to still be here. You coped, and you're sorting it out slowly, unravelling it all backwards.

I feel really sorry for your mother, she must have felt like a truck had hit her. It drains you dealing with these people, and everyone is a victim when selected by a psychopath. But I also really feel for you, as it sounds like you had to mother her. I remember being in a similar situation when they were divorcing, not that my mother wanted him back, she didn't, she wanted him gone, but I remember at 11 being her support and confidante, which, let's face it, isn't really right, is it? Not her fault, and she has supported me over the years,and now is much stronger and stable, and recovered. We have a great relationship now. But to take all this emotional responsibility at a young age is a huge strain, when you have no-one to lean on yourself. In later life it leaves you with emotional dead weight, an inability to ask for what you need, the urge to care for everyone else first, and yourself last, if at all. I don't know if you feel this, but I am going through a phase where other peoples' problems and dramas are making me feel exhausted. I cannot take on any more of other peoples' crap, and I think this is all connected. Like you, I'm at the point where I want to be healthy and strong, and above all, sane now. It's time for me to get some help and nurturing. I am usually a really sociable person, but have withdrawn over the last year or so, I find too much company extremely tiring, draining beyond what is reasonable. I think it must be related to that - caring for adults and their inexplicable, complicated, destructive dramas as a child.

I've also used all of the pain-killing methods you describe, and more, and struggle with them all. But we have to be easy on ourselves, anybody under the circumstances would resort to any means possible to make themselves feel better. Or feel something. Or feel nothing. Yes, feelings seem to be the problem here...

Sounds like you're already doing or have done a lot of work, and it must be really hard, as you suffered hideous abuse. Yes, going back and allowing yourself now, as an adult, to feel what you were unable/not permitted to feel then, is extremely painful. I am only just beginning. But it's much worse to keep deadening it or running away from it.

It's getting a bit late, so let's talk more when we both have time. Again, sorry if it looked as though I didn't reply. I'd hate someone to find the courage to share something like that and then not be answered or acknowledged.
Take care,
C