Hi Starry, see there is some merit in having a save in Word compulsion;)

The one physical symptom that I have heard about besides the PTSD is long term exposure to Psychopaths has been known to take a heavy toll on the auto immune system.

Just guessing the one phrase someone might use the most being raised/around these monsters is "I'm sorry". They get others to take resposibility for their cruelty and actions with those two words.

Di

Hello Starry, cjp1, Skybluepaint, and others.

My healing work began in the present and has been slowly working backwards into the past. Everything has been buried so deep, for so long, that I only recently have begun to reflect on my childhood as a means to help understand who I am today.

My step father was also a psychopath. He was abusive and controlling to say the least. Sometimes it is easy to write about this stuff, and the words flow effortlessly. At other times, such as at this particular moment, by body and mind tense up with an automatic reaction to avoid even recalling the bad memories. A tension in the chest and shoulders. A tightening in the throat. The adrenaline feeling in the stomach. The overwhelming sense of sadness as I look back at my painful childhood. Emotions that hurt so bad they can be felt physically.

Where to start?

My parents divorced when I was two years old. Shortly after, my mother began dating the psychopath, who would eventually be my step father. He moved in to our house with us. My early memories are of being closely attached to him as a father figure. We would find out years later that he had an ex-wife, and had a daughter with her, my age- whom he had abandoned. Maybe that was why he "adored" me as he did initially. I was the good girl, and my older sister was the bad girl. The verbal and physical abuse began with her immediately. As I grew older, and after the birth of my brother, I was a bad girl as well.

I don't recall any of our behaviors being that bad, but the punishments were always extreme. We were always on his "shit list." Speaking for ourselves, or voicing our opinion, was considered "talking back." Any expression of our emotions was considered an "attitude problem," and the punishments that followed were considered part of his "attitude adjustment." We weren't communicating with each other as an expression of our individuality or our personalities. I remember thinking about and calculating my conversations to be what what my parents wanted to hear.

My mother was manipulated and abused as well, with a thick codependant dynamic between them. She either joined his campaign of hatred, belittlement and punishment against us, or she was silently "on our side." When I say "on our side," it was as if she was another one of the children being abused. United in silence over the injustice? His rage was frequently followed by her codependant passiveness. There were also plenty of times they raged together against us.

Extreme punishment? Around the age of 4 I was made to stand in the corner, with the tip of my nose touching the wall. It had to keep touching the wall. I was told to "think about" what I had done wrong. For hours and hours. When I close my eyes I can still see the blurry pattern of the wallpaper just an inch or so in front of my eyes. They took a picture of me standing there, they thought I looked cute. Punishment and mockery at the same time. I stood there for so long in the same spot that I began to sweat and get nauseous. I vomited all over myself and the floor.

My sister was told repeatedly that she was fat and ugly. We were called "airheads". We were "lazy". "Little F#$%ing Bitches." We got smacked across the face, repeatedly. I have memories of my sisters cheeks being flaming red as she ran down the hallway to go to her room and "think about" whatever she had done. We were dragged and yanked around by our hair. Screamed at face to face, with his crazy hateful eyes inches from ours, spit flying in our faces as he screamed insults at us.

We were not allowed to cry. When our faces tensed up in painful grimaces while we tried not to cry, we were told to "wipe that stupid F#$%ing look off of our faces," or he would slap it off for us. When we finally broke down in waves of tears and sobbing we were told "it makes me sick to look at you. Go to your room and get the F#$k out of my face!"

We were constantly told that we were bad, bad, bad. We had excessive amounts of chores. They were expected to be done to a certain level of perfection. One night, my sister had forgotten to take the garbage out. Hours after we had been in bed and asleep, we awoke when our bedroom door flew open. The bright lights were flicked on and my sister got dragged out of bed, by her hair. She was dragged down the hall and in to the kitchen while being screamed at. He took the lid off the garbage can and shoved her head in the garbage, face down. She was kicked and screamed at.

Many memories of laying in bed at night listening to the ranting and raving outside of my room. Either my sister or my mother being screamed at and hurt. Memories of the sounds of thuds, bangs, and things being smashed in violent rage. And afterward, the sound of my mother quitely sobbing. Pleading, apologizing, begging. Then calm, the quiet after the storm. The cycle of abuse.

Dear Violet,

You're very brave to be able to talk about this at all. It is beyond me sometimes how anyone can treat their family, or anyone, this way, unless, of course, they have no conscience. Bullying women and young children - it's the most pathetic parody of masculinity there is. I really felt for you when I was reading your story. The level of fear you must have lived with is incredible. It doesn't surprise me that there has been physical damage, but many things can be turned around with a lot of hard work. Given the trauma, the physical symptoms you mention when thinking and talking about it, I really believe you're brave to be tackling it, as it must be very painful every time you start. It made me react physically when reading it, so God knows how you must feel.

What happened? Did you get away? You must also be angry with your mother for not protecting you, even though she was abused as well. And the other members of your family? Only discuss it if you feel you want to. Do you ever think it might be easier just not to question who you are today, if that were possible, as it's been buried for so long and you've functioned all this time (more or less, I imagine) there must be a temptation not to bother looking back and trying to unlock it all. Especially as you know it's going to hurt. I'm not sure, but I think this wavering and suppressing is what really does us more harm in the end than finding a way to let it out.

I find a lot of emotion seems to be stored in the body, maybe we're all different, I don't know, but the older I get the more this makes sense. For the last couple of years I've been doing yoga, anything to re-connect with my body, as I do have this feeling of being cut off, disconnected from being in the moment, and I find it really helps, not just physically, but in making me more comfortable inside my own skin. It also makes me feel strong and calm, both very important and lacking for many years!...

I really have to go to bed now. I couldn't go to sleep without answering your message though.
Talk soon, thank you for being able to share some details of your past here.

Hi Starry,
Don't worry about re-typing the loooong email about PTSD, whenever you have time, relatives take precedence! Enjoy the visit. I'm sure in a couple of days I'll carry on with my daily stuff as well, rather than being kind of hooked on this forum! Bit of a novelty though at the moment, being able to talk to all of you about this.
Take care,

Isn't it just?

Cjp1,

In response to your questions....

What happened? It would be hard for me to write chronologically about 12 years of abuse. I will skip to the end for you at the moment. My psychopathic stepfather, he was pursuing a degree through night school. The absence of his constant physical presence in our house was a huge relief. Looking back, I might consider it the beginning of the end.

During the last few months before he was gone, his marriage to my mother completely fell apart. (It was never a strong or healthy marriage, but the few "positive" aspects disappeared). He became even more self-absorbed than he already had been. He was away at night school several nights a week, or intensely "studying" behind closed doors when he was home. His rage and irritation towards us children began to lean more heavily toward my mother. We were picked on less, she was picked on more.

They either were not speaking to each other, or they were fighting horribly. He began having an affair. It devastated my mother. She confronted him, he did not deny it. She begged and pleaded for him to stay all the way to the end. It went from him staying out until the middle of the night, to him staying out until the next morning. My mother pulled out the couch for him and made up a bed. In the morning when he had not come home, she folded up the couch and bed. This went on for weeks. Her making up the bed, him never coming home. She wept and wept. I hoped that he would just never come back.

My mother continued to wash all of his clothes, iron his work shirts. She continued to make dinner for the family, setting a spot at the dinner table for him. She desperately made some of his favorite dishes, baked goods. He would refuse to come to the table. She would knock on the closed door that he was behind. He would not respond. She would gently tell him through the door what she had cooked, she would beg him to come eat with us. He wouldn't even respond. She would return to the dinner table crying.

We had always ate dinner in silence (as children were to be seen and not heard). At this point we ate to the sound of my mother bitterly crying. It was so frustrating watching my mother hold on to any hope that the relationship would ever be salvaged. I had hated him for years. I knew in my heart that we would all be better without him. My then four-year-old brother (his child with my mother) would happily make toddler noises and chatter. It was the sound of that, mom crying, and the thick silence.

He ignored my mother and all of us. When he was home at the end, he was behind a closed door. I didn't get in trouble from him anymore at that point, I didn't exist. Neither did my baby brother. If he was passing from the closed off room to the bathroom, ,my little brother would run after him saying, "Daddy, daddy...". He ignored my brother too. It was as if he had decided he was done with all of us, and there was nothing else to communicate about. It was a tense few months at the end. Silent treatment that made you feel abandoned, yet fear that the rage could return at any moment.

As I write about this, I feel sad. It is a heavy feeling. I feel myself gaze away from the computer for a moment, as I stare at nothing in particular, my eyes glaze over a bit. It is almost as if my mind and body try to unconciously dissociate from these memories, at the same time I am trying to conciously dig into these compartmentalized pockets of memories from my painful past....

We came home one day, and all of his stuff was gone. All of it. There were only a few of his belongings still there, a few meaningless items that he obviously no longer wanted. My mother was devastated. Completely devastated. Over a decade of abuse and codependency had completely drained her.

As a young teen, I could not comprehend her pain. All I knew was relief. I was never sad that he was gone. I hated him for everything he had done to me. I hated him for how he had left my mother so extremely broken. She wept every day, for two years. I remember hugging her, holding her as she sobbed, telling her it would be ok. I remember telling her repeatedly, "at least you have us kids." I remember telling her the same things over and over again. I couldn't understand how she could mourn so badly. It felt like a new beginning to me, a second chance at a normal life. But my mother was completely mentally broken down.

She was so devastated over how it had ended. I tried to remind her of all the horrible things he had done, I tried to tell her how we were better off without him. It was almost as if she was hearing about all of the abuse for the first time. As if she was never present, or participating when all of the abuse had occured.

I never mourned over what had happened to us. I had to be strong, for my mom. It was a scary time, everyone was very concerned about her. He had alienated us from not only my biological father, but all of my mother's family as well. They were there immediately when he left. My mother's siblings stopped by the house daily, to check on her, offer support, encouragement. They would ask me if I wanted to talk about everything. I always told them I was fine, I was happy that he was gone. There was nothing else for me to say. When our family referred to "abuse" it felt like they were making a bigger deal out of everything than it was. I always knew it was bad, but looking back at it as an adult now, it was horrible.

My mother did nothing but cry for two years straight. It was a miracle that she held down her job. Because when she was home, all she did was cry. She cried, smoked cigarettes, and drank coffee. She did not eat, at all. It was as if her head and heart hurt so bad that it made her nauseous. She went from a healthy 140 lbs. to 90 lbs. My friends used to ask me what was wrong with her. They thought maybe she had cancer.

I did everything I could to be helpful, maintain our household. The many years of strict and excessive chores that I did as a young child made it quite easy for me to keep up the house as a young teen. I remember feelins a sense of happiness and freedom -like the munchkins at the end of the Wizard of Oz when they sing, "Ding Dong the witch is dead!" I happily stayed on top of all the housework and did most of the cooking. Yet no matter how clean the house was, and no matter what meal I had prepared, I couldn't make my mother happy. She was completely broken.

You asked, "Did I get away?"

The answer is yes, we got away. We did not have to escape from him, he simply moved on to his next victims. He made a few half-hearted attempts to see my young brother according to court-ordered visitation. It was random and inconsistent over a few years until he eventually abandoned my brother completely. He created some drama in the courts in regard to the divorce, custody and support of my brother. (At five-years old, my brother returned from a weekend with his father to report that he watched his father's girlfriend perform oral sex on him while they thought he was sleeping). It didn't take too long until it became too much trouble for him to maintain a relationship with my brother. He did end up paying court ordered child support, but made no effort to maintain contact with him in over fifteen years.

Surprisingly, I have not had too much anger with my mother over the abuse. After he was gone, so was the abuse. She was so emotionally fragile, it was almost as if I didn't have a parent for the first few years. When she regained her strength and spirit a few years later, I was an older and responsible teen. The new family unit of my mom, brother, and myself (living at home) was so much better than the abusive household which I had grown up in. It was such a relief when he was gone, we were united in strength and spirit to have lived beyond that life, and carrying blame and anger towards my mother just never happened.

My sister had moved out of the family home shortly before the end with my psychopath stepfather. She has had a stable relationship for the past 15 years. They have been married for five years, and have a child. They have their fair share of issues in their marriage, yet they are happy.

My brother struggles with issues regarding his dad abandoning him. It was not easy for him being raised without a father.

You are correct that the wavering and suppressing is what does us harm. I have struggled with depression, an eating disorder, and substance abuse for years. I tried to "drown out" all of the pain and memories with alcohol, smoking pot, and cigarettes. I tried to obtain happiness through restricting my eating, dieting and achieving thinness. Recently I have begun to take control over these compulsive habits. I am seeking true happiness peace and contentment. I am trying to reconnect with my authentic self. A big part of this process requires me to look back at the past, closely. I have to understand and embrace my old pain before I can fully experience my true happiness.

Of course I think that it would be easier to not question who I am today. There is definitely the temptation to avoid looking back, sorting things out. It is hard work. It is a backwards process, and it has been taking me quite awhile. I have achieved sobriety for several months. I am working through my past trying to fully be in the present. I do believe my peace and happiness are out there waiting for me. I can see rays of light peeking out way down at the end of the tunnel.

yes i was married to a physcopath but didnt know it at the time. i divorced him in 05 now bad luck came my way and he invited me into his home cause we have 3 babies together.controlling, agressive dark man,lies to much and it was wierd because i thought he had 2 personalities.go to bed happy wake up angry and attacking. i have come close to being broken by him he always says im crazy and turns everything he does around on me.i started researching yesterday about physcopaths and i saw my x described to a t. he has no emotion, no good ones any way and he treats my kids and i like we are trophys,we make him look better.grandioso thoughts in his head but he never does anything. he wants to win at everything be in control of everyone and he lives to make us as miserable as possible, i hate him, what he is dioing to the kids. abusing me in front of the kids with his words and behavior and my 5 year old boy is gonna think this is how you treat a lady. crap,i am a believer in god and i know full well he will have to pay the price some day.

Hi suncerae, welcome to our community, it is late so will answer you soon. In the meantime I moved your post to a thread titled "Married to a Psychopath".

Married to a Psychopath

Be back in a bit.

Di

Hi Suncerae,

I have just read your posting. So sorry to hear you are in this situation. It's one I understand very well, as I am very close to my mother, and she was married to a psychopath, my step father, for ten years. So I know how awful, destructive, abusive, and crazy-making they can be. I only joined here a couple of weeks ago, and am finding it extremely helpful to talk to people and read up, so I suggest you read as much as you can about this subject, as knowledge is power! You'll find it really helpful to find other people who recognise these character traits, and can advise you how to deal with them.

First of all, trying to convince you that you are crazy is a classic trick, my mother and I have lived with this for years now, we still have to have some contact with my stepfather because of my brother (his son). For as long as I can remember, my mother and I have been told we are crazy, paranoid, hysterical, manipulative etc etc, so don't believe this for a second when he tells you it, it's just a ploy to control you and confuse you. And they are such good liars they will almost convince you it's true.

I really feel for you and your situation, as you are in a difficult position, with children in the middle. I wouldn't know what to advise you. But as long as he is around he will be a poisonous, dangerous, destructive and negative influence on your family. I understand your hating him for treating you and your kids like this, it is hateful what these people do to others. I would advise you to have as little contact with him as you can, given that you have children together. And to try and limit his contact with the kids if you can. Be careful, as he will lie to them about you, and may do all he can to turn them against you.

You've got a tough job on your hands, and bear in mind you're being abused as well, so take care, and get as much help as you can. But it took my mother and I four decades to find out about my step father, to finally have it make some sense, and you are already researching and finding out about him, so you are on the right track, and have access to lots of help and advice.

Just send me a message if you want to talk more. I am not in the same situation, but I did have a psychopath as my father figure, so I can give you an idea of what could be in store for your children, and I really do sympathise.
Best wishes,
C

Dear Violet,
First of all, I'm a new user here, and not so good at the technical side... I thought I had replied to you but it now looks as though there isn't a thread here. So if I haven't replied, I am really sorry, especially as you shared so much in your posting. I remember writing you a really long answer but maybe it didn't get posted, and I haven't been on the site for a few days due to lots of work.

You really have been through hell and back. I am glad to hear you all escaped him and he finally left, also that you still have a good relationship with the rest of your family now. It sounds like you held it together, you were the strong one in the family, and now it's time for you. It is awful being abandoned when you don't know why, even though it's better for all concerned, at the time you have no idea what 'you've done wrong'. You've had to do without a father, and for a long time without a mother either. So you must be a very strong person to still be here. You coped, and you're sorting it out slowly, unravelling it all backwards.

I feel really sorry for your mother, she must have felt like a truck had hit her. It drains you dealing with these people, and everyone is a victim when selected by a psychopath. But I also really feel for you, as it sounds like you had to mother her. I remember being in a similar situation when they were divorcing, not that my mother wanted him back, she didn't, she wanted him gone, but I remember at 11 being her support and confidante, which, let's face it, isn't really right, is it? Not her fault, and she has supported me over the years,and now is much stronger and stable, and recovered. We have a great relationship now. But to take all this emotional responsibility at a young age is a huge strain, when you have no-one to lean on yourself. In later life it leaves you with emotional dead weight, an inability to ask for what you need, the urge to care for everyone else first, and yourself last, if at all. I don't know if you feel this, but I am going through a phase where other peoples' problems and dramas are making me feel exhausted. I cannot take on any more of other peoples' crap, and I think this is all connected. Like you, I'm at the point where I want to be healthy and strong, and above all, sane now. It's time for me to get some help and nurturing. I am usually a really sociable person, but have withdrawn over the last year or so, I find too much company extremely tiring, draining beyond what is reasonable. I think it must be related to that - caring for adults and their inexplicable, complicated, destructive dramas as a child.

I've also used all of the pain-killing methods you describe, and more, and struggle with them all. But we have to be easy on ourselves, anybody under the circumstances would resort to any means possible to make themselves feel better. Or feel something. Or feel nothing. Yes, feelings seem to be the problem here...

Sounds like you're already doing or have done a lot of work, and it must be really hard, as you suffered hideous abuse. Yes, going back and allowing yourself now, as an adult, to feel what you were unable/not permitted to feel then, is extremely painful. I am only just beginning. But it's much worse to keep deadening it or running away from it.

It's getting a bit late, so let's talk more when we both have time. Again, sorry if it looked as though I didn't reply. I'd hate someone to find the courage to share something like that and then not be answered or acknowledged.
Take care,
C