Dear Survival,
Although I am new I can totally empathize with some of the things you say that your husband does. My Ex habitually lies, tells me that he's put sugar in my gas tank, he even sent me a text once that said that God told him to kill me...Now I'm stuck in a house with him again...How do I ever break free of this situation???

Lollypop

Hi,
This is my 1st post so I'm a little nervous about sharing my story, but I realize I need some sort of outreach support to get over this..

I was married to this guy for 15 yrs. I never realized until the past week what everyone has been telling me for years. I have looked up the description of psychopath and he fits the bill. The divorce was final in July of 2009 and since then I have been back to live with him 3 times. I kept telling myself that it was the right thing to do because we had a 13 year old son and my ex is incapable of helping him academically. The man is very smart and can learn to do anything with his hands and has been very successful financially but he quit school in the 6th or 7th grade and cannot spell or read very well. He says that I'm the only reason that he's made is so far and that applies much pressure on me to keep helping him.

My son chose to live with him and I could have no contact with him unless I have come back to live each time. Since our seperation in March of 2009 he has lived with 2 different women and claimed that they are incompentent losers compared to me.

I have done many things that he has ask me to do including things that probably are against the law, just simply because he asked me to and said that I was a super woman and could do anything. Now that I step back and look at this I realize that he can't do any of these things himself because he prefers to manipulate me into doing it for him.

Anyway, I met a wonderful man and married him in Oct. of last year and he has supported me throughout this whole mess but my problem now is that my ex moved to another state and I came to see my son and now I'm stuck here and cannot find the strength to just go ahead and tell the monster that I have to go...I am a little afraid of him...He is a strong drinker also and when you mix this personality with alcohol it's pretty scary.

This is only the tip of the iceburg....or the short version.

Lollypop

Lolly,

I understand how you feel. My ex-psychopath was a heavy drinker as well. The booze really crank up the craziness and aggressiveness. I have a child with the ex-Psychopath as well. When I stopped letting him run the show, he lost all interest in seeing her. He hasn't made any effort to see her at all in about 9 months now. It is very heartbreaking to watch my young daughter grieve over her father's abandonment of her. Yet I also am able to realize what a blessing the no contact has been.

It was always very frustrating when he did come around. Six months or longer would pass without him seeing her, I would be filled with anger and disappointment. Yet, the minute he came around, I found myself helplessly under his spell. I would find myself unable to hold him acountable for all of his wrong actions. I would suddenly be doing things that didn't make sense. I can understand how you feel, trapped into an arrangement with him regarding your child. It must be very difficult dealing with your child living out of state. Perhaps you can tell us a bit more of your story, and we may be able to offer advice.

Hi Lolly, I combined you with the Married thread here.

Welcome to our community I hope we can help you in any way possible.

Di

Dear Violet,

We owned 2 homes and had quite a bit of a nest egg...I left it all and my son would not come with me...His dad really plays on the fact that he never left his son and will not let him forget it...My son can see both sides of the story, I think but I think that he is inside his mind, so to speak that he will not leave him...plus he don't think dad can make it on his own.

I am married to another man who has been nothing but supportive throughout this whole ordeal...My ex now has what little worldly goods that I owned inside a garage out back and says that I can't prove that it belongs to me...Everything I had after the divorce belonged to my late dad and grandmother...Those are only things...I can live without them.

My husband is longing for me to return home, I've been here since March 24...I can't figure out how to tell my ex that I'm ready to go without upsetting my son and I know that when I leave this time I may never see my son again...

To compound this problem: I was awarded temperary custody of my 8month old neice on March 23, the day before I came here and I left her with my mother because my ex told me I had to choose what I cared about, my son or a child that didn't belong to me. Since my mother has had the baby there are multiple other parties trying to get emergency guardianship of her. I need out of this hell please...
How do I tell my son that I have to leave him again?

In serious turmoil
Lolly

Lolly,

Are both your ex and your son under the impression that you have moved back with them to stay? Are they aware that you are remarried? Who has legal custody of your son? Did you go out of state to visit your son with the intent to bring him back with you?

I can answer your questions and offer better advice if I know a few more of the details. Is it an option that you might be able to bring your son back with you to "visit" his grandmother? It sounds as though your ex is still holding quite a bit of control over you. I am interested in what specific "illegal" activities your ex is involved in. Perhaps you may be able to use them as cause to obtain custody of your son?

The baby neice certainly complicates the situation. I have to wonder if the other people trying to obtain emergency guardianship of her are competent? If they are, perhaps it might be best to allow them temporary custody while you work through the rest of this. One person can only handle so much at one time.

Good luck as you work through this, and keep your head up. One day at a time.

Violet,

I have been out of contact because of of no way to get to a computer. I am using the library one now.
Yes, they are under the impression that I'm there to stay...I don't know how else to handle it...I already tried to bring my son back with me once but his dad drove day and night to come and get him... I had let him stay the night with my ex's mom and she it was ok for me to come and pick him up the next morning. When I contacted her the next morning my ex had already come and got him.
He has lived with several women since last year. He cannot handle his own business so he claims that he needs help to fill out paperwork for our son.
He knows that I'm remarried but he dosen't care as long as I help him.
He has legal custody of our son because I didn't fight him as I didn't have the money. I thought that our son would finally break free and decide to visit me no matter what; however, each time he tried to visit (when we lived in the same town), he would sneak and ride his bike across town, his dad would find out and start texting him and threatening him that he could never come back to him. He even threatened to bring all his clothes to a nearby store and drop them off at the edge of the street so that I could pick them up. Needless to say this upset our son so much that he just quit coming, then they moved.

Then only reason I can think of that I came here was to visit my son and when I got here, I stayed in a motel for a month while my ex was living with another woman... He told me that he didn't want her and ask me to wait til she was gone and asked me to help him get her to leave. I waited....and I wasn't very nice to her as we attended dirt bike races that my son was involved in. He finally got her to leave himself as he realized that she was spending all his money.

Prior to this visit I had obtained a lawyer to try and remove the language in the divorce papers stating that "THE CHILD CANNOT BE FORCED TO VISIT", he had this put in, and he knew that I would never do that anyway. I was also going to file charges that he was in contempt of court by moving out of state without permission of the courts. Stupid me, dropped the charges after talking to my son for the 1st time in 3 months and he assured me that he was happy with "Shawna" the woman. So I dropped the charges and came out to see if it was real. When I got here, he called her mom, and said that she was his mom now.

He calls me mom now but not in front of my ex.

Lolly

Violet or any1 else listening,

I cannot divuldge the one thing that I know was illegal because he talked me into doing it for him. I would have to pay the consequences if I did. I am sorry that it took me so long to see that he controlled my mind that much.
Maybe I should go into some more of my history also: I married for the 1st time 0n my 14th birthday. My dad left when I was 10 and but we always had a great relationship. My mom signed for me to marry, I guess she thought it was the right thing to do at the time. My grandparents were very old fashioned and thought it was ok also since it wasn't uncommon for them back when they were growing up. I was not pregnant but maybe my mom thought I was sexually active and was afraid it would happen????Don't know. We never discussed sex. I was married to him for 15 years and had 3 sons. Altho he had a bad temper it was nothing like my second marriage which I'm having trouble shaking. I think that I just grew up and wanted to spread my wings a little and he wasn't comfortable with it so we went our seperate ways. 2 boys came with me to start with and the youngest stayed with his dad. We are still friends and could always talk. When I married the psycho after about 2 years my 3 prior sons never came anymore. I don't blame them.

I don't know what else to say right now I just want to begin to lead a normal life with some routine. I have a new LPN licsense and haven't even gotten a chance to use it. I would even agree to go into some kind of rehab at this point if one existed.
My husband never fails to keep in touch even tho I won't talk to him on the phone around here. He give constant encouragement.

Help me outa here
Lolly

Lolly,

I read through your last two posts a few times. I understand that you are knee deep in the drama of the psychopath, and I have been giving some thought to your circumstances. I understand how hard it is to think clearly while you are trapped in this "crisis mode". I will try to give you my best advice.

I think that you need to go home and get yourself centered and balanced. You need to separate yourself from the psychopath, physically and mentally. Psychopaths drain people of their good healthy energy, leaving them insecure and confused. It is next to impossible to think clearly and get a proper sense of direction while you are trying to dodge the psychopath's bullets (flying in from all directions!)

I understand that the thought of no contact with the psychopath is very scary right now, because you are temporarily not going to have contact with your son. Do not view this as you abandoning your son. You are removing yourself from an extremely toxic situation, so that you can make good decisions, for yourself and your son. You really need to physically be away from the psychopath.

It sounds like your current husband is very supportive and is willing to help you work through this. Is he willing to move to the state where your son is now living? Is he able to assist you in obtaining legal action to enforce your parental rights? These options need to be properly weighed out. It sounds like you are not able to communicate very well with your husband while stuck there. If moving to the state where your son is living is not an option, than the next best scenario may be to attemt to set up regular scheduled visits through the court. Of course the ex is not going to cooperate. Unfortunately, that is to be expected.

You are pushed in a corner at the moment and you have two options: 1) go home, resume your normal life, begin your nursing career, and take every action possible to legally enforce your parental rights, or 2) stay where you are, with the psychopath, and live day in and day out with his drama, and wait patiently for the winds of change to carry you to a better place. If you choose the second option, how is your quality of life? Is your son witness to you being mistreated and controlled by the psychopath? I am assuming that your 3 sons from your prior marriage are back in your home state?

You do not owe the psychopath a long explanation about why you are going home. Lie to him if necessary (maybe say you need to return home for a few weeks to gather the rest of your belongings to bring back?) Explain to your son, perhaps a day ahead of time that you need to return home. Explain that you will stay in contact with him while you work through this. Tell him honestly what you will be trying to do in regards to enforcing your legal rights to vistation. Assure him that there will always be a way for him to contact you. I am assuming he has access to the computers at the same library that you have been posting from? Set up an email account before you leave so that the two of you can communicate outside of his father's home.

Is it an option to buy your son a cell phone, with prepaid minutes? Would he be able to keep it in a safe place, so that he can call you when his father is away? Are you able to introduce yourself to the parents of one of your sons friends? Perhaps you could mail letters to him through their address?

If all else fails, and you become totally overwhelmed, you can always turn around and drive back out there by your son. In the meantime, it really makes best sense to return home and get yourself together (emotionally, financially). When you get back in contact with the lawyer, you will need to have all of the facts written down. Exact dates are not important. A rough record of events is better than nothing. You do have legal parental rights. Nothing to lose by attempting to enforce them.

You mentioned that you would agree to go into some sort of rehab if one existed? May I ask what substance you are battling with? It is not uncommon for victims of psychopaths to turn to substances to numb the pain. Admitting there is a problem is the first step, it seems you have done that. All the more reason to get home and get yourself together. You said that want to begin to lead a normal life with a routine, and returning home and getting some counseling will really help make that happen. You will be a more balanced and peaceful person for you, and for your son.

You are in my thoughts and I will pray that you find some peace and direction. Best of luck. One day at a time.

Violet

Dear Violet,
1st, let me thank you so much for answering me each time. I cannot express how much of a comfort that has been. Please continue.
I believe you have given me sound advice. I have repeated this cycle 3 times since last August and each time the pattern is the same. There is no contact with the ex or my son and then suddenly the ex begins to text me and then it's all over. I listen to him and he sucks me right back in. I have to get off this merry-go-round. My husband has told me all these things and my Aunt also. It's finally starting to click. I needed this reinforcement because I kept telling myself that they couldn't possible give me advice because they couldn't understand what I was going through.
I am very relieved to think that I don't have to give him any explaination, that was one of my greatest worries. He has blamed our divorce and everything he has gone thru since I left the 1st time on me and I have accepted that it was all my fault. It's not! I just have to let him think so. There is no explaination that would be good enough for him so I will just leave.
I have felt like he can't do anything without me to do it for him because that is the way it always was in our marriage. He said I was a super woman and could do anything. He also told all his friends that too. This always created an extra pressure to get everything done perfectly down to making sure there was plenty of charmin in the bathroom, (God forbid we run out), to making sure the boat was prepared and hooked up for all the fishing trips and the camper too.
The winds of change are blowing now. He has had me pack everything except what is needed to live. Movers are coming on the 29th to move everything back to the home state house to be stored, while he plans to purchase a camper and live out of that and work in yet another state for the railroad.
He thinks I will follow...I will help him get everything moved and that will close this chapter of my life. I will worry about my son living in a camper with his dad working all hours but he will probably move another woman in soon, it dosen't usually take him long. Hopefully she will be more responsible than the last one. But I have to remember I'm done fixing things for him.
I think I have view this as I've abandonded my son the whole time because that is what he told me over and over. His parents told me that too. My son chose not to go with me for several reasons...I had to stay at my sisters', she has 4 girls, and I honestly think that he feels responsible for his dad.
And yes, yes, my current husband has been nothing but supportive. He won't give up on me. He is willing to move or anything else he needs to in order to help me thru this. I don't think living close would resolve anything since we lived in the same town before the ex moved. Mr. ex would text me and threaten to put my current husband in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. I have them on record at the police station but never pressed charges. He says that he can't ever see me with any1 else. He has also said that he would kill me before any1 else had me. I'm really not afraid he would do that I just think he uses things like that to keep me under control.
My son has a phone, computer, truck, dirtbike, 4 wheeler, play station, Wii, ect...After the seperation and divorce daddy bought him anything he wanted. So it will be up to him to answer me when I text him. In the past when we are apart I text him at least every other day just to let him know I love him and miss him and if he needs me I'm always there. He has adopted many views from his dad but he knows some of them aren't right. However, anything to do with my family he is totally against. He will be 14 this August so I'm going to just have to trust that he will be ok.
I have to get out of the corner I've painted myself into. I will be no good for any1 if I don't. I will take legal action if necessary, like I've mentioned before I came back to ex this time my current husband and I had paid 5,000.00 to a lawyer to take the language out of the divorce decree that my husband insisted be there"THE CHILD MAY NOT BE FORCED TO VISIT", otherwise there is standard visitation but that has never happened. Out of curiosity what happens to the ex if I filed contempt for him moving out of state with out prior consent from the judge?
Oh, and the rehab I was speaking of was a psychopathic victim rehab:) My worst addiction is chocolate and Marlboro Menthol Lights:)
I guess you could add being addicted to letting this psycho control me too.
Not to change the subject but what are the sexual tendencies of a psychopath? This guy is obsessed with oral and anal sex the second one took years to get me to comply. Seemed like if something was hurting me he got off a lot faster. I just feel that anal sex is unatural. He was always very upset if I said I didn't want to do anything if it was just one night. He would stay awake all night and thrash around in bed obviously mad and wanted me to know it every time he turned over in bed. Just wondering if this is typical for this type of personality.
And yes my 3 sons are in my home state. They do love me. Mr. ex has told me many time that I should forget them and choose him and my youngest son because the other boys would not piss on my grave.
Thanks so much Violet. Looking forward to my next theraphy session:)
Lolly