That seems like a silly thing for a 56-year-old woman to say, but it's my truth. I grew up with a violent, alcoholic psychopath who also grew up with a violent, alcoholic psycopath. I've heard enough stories, been through enough counseling, and even confronted him about his behavior enough throughout my life that I don't even bother to question WHY he's the way he is anymore. I just want to figure out how to deal with him today. For nearly 30 years, I've kept as much distance between us as possible, but last year that changed. My husband and I now live 15 minutes from him, and it's as if I'm suddenly reliving my nightmarish childhood.

My dad has no respect for others, and he makes no bones about it. He can be the most charming man in the world when it suits his needs, and women his age seem to find him completely irresistable, but once he has no use for them, he can become mean-spirited, insulting, intimidating, and downright agressive. My mother lived in fear of him for forty years, until the day she died. She always felt it necessary to hide things from him, smooth over any situation that might offend him, and the truth was, he hated my younger brother. On more than one occasion he tried to kill my mother and my brother. Those closest to him have always known him to be a dangerous, unstable man.

Since we moved back here, he's begun stopping my the house uninvited. He seems to believe he has an absolute right to do whatever he chooses. He tries to bully my husband and I, brings up topics during his visits knowing we'll disagree with him, giving him a perfect opportunity to have a full blown fit. I'm ashamed to admit, I constantly put myself in the line of fine because I've always refused to back down from him. I speak my mind, won't hide the truth, won't patronize him, and will not play his games. But it's a volatile situation which is becoming worse.

The sad fact of the matter is, my father is a psycopath, and much as I wish he'd just go away, I know at 82 he probably has a number of years left since he's in good health. I don't want to give my life up just because I'm living back in my old home area. I can't help but believe there has to be an answer.

Hi Sue, welcome to our community.

From what you have said it seems like you have more than a lifetime of your father. Isn't there someway you can stop him from visiting your home? By that I mean, when he shows up and before the door gets open and his foot crosses the doorway, tell him that you are busy or just leaving for another engagement, no reason to explain any further.

If your door opens directily to give him access have a security screen door installed, you can see out clearly but they can't see in. I had a much lesser minor issue with a neighbor just bursting into my space. I wanted the door in any case since it really increases circulation. It has worked great, the first time they showed up I told them I as was busy and never had to open the security screen door. She tried to say, oh I just wanted to chat for a minute, well we all know how that works. Before once I would open the door they had opened my screen door and were in my space.

I thought about just ducking and avoiding them but I will not operate that way in my home so this "barracade" has worked for me.

Try not to think of his age, think of your sanity. You can always expect him to play the victim so just keeping him from crossing the threashold into your home might work.

What do you think might work to keep him out of your persoanl space, to me, I have a personal plan that no one comes into my space and behaves in an argumentative or an abusive way. It is a tough boundary to set and keep. I guess the question is would you feel that way also and be able to set up the boundary with your father? History shows he won't go away on own home but only land a wrecking ball in your space.

Di

My husband and I have talked it over and discovered a way to drastically cut visits from him. We have a finished basement, and I think we've decided to spend our time during weekends downstairs. Since we have a garage, there's really no way for anyone to know we're home unless we answer the door.

It really "rubs" me to feel like I need to go into hiding because of him, but I know you're right. The alternative is to continue to allow him to invade our home and steal our peace. I've actually thought from time to time to simply tell him I've gone back to work so that he doesn't stop by unexpectedly at all times during the day. Is it ever right to life to protect our privacy from a psycopath? It's so strange because so many people, including my brother, are truly afraid of him. I probably should be afraid, but I never have been. I simply want peace in my life.

Off the top of my head they are the first people you have a right to protect your privacy from. I think a person has a right to protect their privacy from anyone they feel like. I run across just run of the mill nosey people and I don't have a problem not answering them by being vague and too busy to talk right now and smile and walk along. If I am walking down the street with my dogs and I see someone who is crossing over to approach me with their dog I ask them to stay back and I go in the other direction. I don't know that their dog won't attack me or my 3 kids, do some of them get ticked off, sure lots of them do, do I care, no don't give it a second thought. I have to protect myself, my kids and in the case of people who want to barge in my house my privacy.

Just because your father has some time on his hands and wants to stop by and wreck your peace and quiet isn't your problem, your issue is to put a stop to it.

You also should have no reason to tell him you are back at work, they only concern themselves with what they want, excuses won't stop horrible behavior.

You might feel empowered is my guess instead of hiding out in the basement of your own home, get one of the doors like I have, just don't open it, he can't see in and just say, I'm busy now isn't a good time, sorry. End of conversation. Once you start explaining, listening etc. the game is up he is already in your space.

Hiding in your own home like you are running from the FBI doesn't sound like a very empowering move, it is your house. Just don't get that door open or before you know it he will be inside and then that is where it is tricky to get away from him. More than likely like you and your brothers had to run and hide from him your entire life so I am guessing that is where the idea to retreat to the basement may be coming from?????

Di

btw, the $180 I paid for this door has been one of my best investments.

Just be careful he doesn't steal your keys or something like that. My Mom will go searching for a way in through the backyard and she has stolen my keys before. She will do whatever she wants. She has never been allowed inside of my house and I don't know that she ever will. There is no reason you should allow the chaos in your life. It is your property and your sanity!