Hello. My name is Summer and I'm grateful to have found this forum. I can see there are people here who will understand.

The reason I'm here is because I've experienced the damage done by a psychopath more than once and am determined it will never happen again (though I live in fear that it might). Here are the basics of the story (sorry that it's so long):

There has been at least one diagnosed and several suspected psychopaths in my life. Unfortunately, having been raised by a parent with narcissistic personality disorder made me an easy target. I might as well begin with my cousin, "Anna" (not her real name). We were born only a few months apart, and from the time I can remember mother always said "why can't you be like Anna?" Anna had all the good qualities and was adored for being pretty and smart. She was vibrant and charming, though sometimes had a disturbing way of not acknowledging anyone's existence. She could turn her charm on you or take it away, leaving you to wonder what you had done wrong. As we got older, Anna rose to the top in everything she did. However, I knew some private things about her. She liked to lie, steal and manipulate - she bragged about her skills. She liked to start fires (luckily none ever got out of control) she cheated her way through exams proudly. She even did things that bordered on animal abuse with her family's dog. When I complained, she looked at me with utter confusion and said "but it's funny!"

Describing her this way, she sounds like such an awful person, how could she get away with it? That was the trick though - it was all secret. Only the people closest to her knew, and she was so charming and pretty with perfect grades. No adult could say a word against her. When I would tell mother, she would say I was "just jealous". I really was a bit jealous, since I lived such a miserable scapegoat existence at home, while Anna did bad things and was held up as a golden example. I was under Anna's spell, too. Sometimes I only felt alive when I was with her and had her approval.Then she would turn around and be so shockingly cruel it made my head spin. We only saw each other on holidays and summers, so the impact wasn't too damaging. That would change later.

As we grew up and Anna was away at college, I met the second psychopath. Unlike Anna, he wasn't "socialized". He had a long criminal history and was well known to the police in our town. He approached me in a park and offered drugs to me. I refused. Immediately he did an about-face, saying he'd never met anyone who didn't use drugs, and I had to help him. He needed a friend like me to get him clean. I was a lonely and broken young woman then, raised to have no self-worth. I wanted to help. Maybe I could be a good person if I could help someone in need...

That was all it took to open the door into hell. I was not very comfortable with the situation but he moved very fast, before I could think clearly. Immediately he introduced me around as the girl who was going to help him reform. Everyone seemed to have high expectations of this. It felt uneasy, so first chance, I asked around town. "Do you know K (the psychopath)? What do you think of him?" Here is one of my biggest disappointments in life - everyone said "oh...he's an alright guy." (Later after all the damage had been done, I went back and asked them, how could they not tell me what he was like? They said..."oh, but every knows about K. We didn't think it was that important.")This was my first understanding of how the actions of a psychopath can be dismissed or brushed off by those who haven't been victimized.

It was only a week before I felt sick at the thought of being around him, or him calling on the phone.Once I began to avoid him, the stalking and harrassment began. I will spare the details, as they would fill a book, but you can guess. Threats, vandalism, theft, verbal abuse, entitled behavior that blew my mind. He would stand outside screaming "You owe me! You owe me!" I feared and despised him, but he knew how to say the things that would hurt most. The police said he would be going back to jail soon for yet another sentence he had to serve. I tried to stick it out, but he assaulted me first. In the hospital, he sneaked into the room and told me if I didn't press charges, he would forgive me for what I had done. That phrase haunted me for years and years.

I was taken to a safe house and then as soon as I could went into hiding. He went to prison (not for anything he did to me, but for many, many others) where he was diagnosed as a psychopath. He still remains there today. The most hurtful part is that my mother was his ally and supported him through all this. She saw the things he did to me, and took his side.

It had only taken a few months but I was utterly broken afterwards. I was very alone and was now estranged from everyone due to K's actions. The only person I had to turn to was - you guessed it - my cousin Anna.

This is already too long, so I will leave it here for now.
Thanks for allowing me to post here.

Hi, Summer,

I am new, too. I'm sorry you have such a horrible story, and would like to hear the rest of it. I also have an experience with a female 'path, so am interested to compare stories.

yes the difference is us normal people care. We care what other's think and care about other's. This makes us vulnerable to people like this. I don't know how to defend myself from this except that when you recognize it walk away and don't feel bad about it. Call it for what it is. Pure Evil.

I'm having a little difficulty figuring out the reply function, so hopefully I'm not going to screw this up too badly... *fingers crossed*

Thank you Boglin and Veronique. You both understand what it's like to have these people in your life and how confusing and hurtful they are. Boglin, I've searched for other information on female psychopaths and found very little. In fact, the search is what lead to this board! I suspect more female psychopaths fly "under the radar", that's why there's so little info.
The rule of thumb I use - if you look at a woman's past and see a trail of hurt and destruction left behind, they may be a psychopath. Such is the case of my cousin.

Veronique - yes, I've learned to watch my feelings carefully. Sometimes there's an immediate sense of something wrong. Other times - if they're clever and hide their true colors well - it's more difficult but if I notice old, painful emotions rising I stop and ask myself what I'm sensing. Oftentimes it's a warning.

The story continues, unfortunately. (sigh....this is very difficult to write - draining to remember the things that happened)

The months I was stalked by K were the most physically frightening times of my life. I had experienced abuse at home before, but K prided himself on being a force of destruction. He seemed to believe it was proof of his superiority and power. I was so confused by what was happening. Not that someone could be so aggressive and threatening - we read stories like this in the news every day - but how so many people failed to take it seriously.

I've been trying to keep it simple, just the facts, but at this point it's impossible to avoid the confusion that is part and parcel of the experience.It would seem clear that when a shy teenage girl is being terrorized by a 30-something year old man with a well-known criminal history, someone might take the victim's side. This didn't happen. Instead there was either blame or dismissal "oh, that's just K. being K. He's like that" or "well, why did you talk to him in the first place?" When I came home from the safe house all bandaged up, the first thing my mother said was "what did you do to make him beat you?" The way responsibility for his actions bounced off of him and landed on me was astonishing. Yes, they all knew what he was like - so how did I cause his actions? I was doing everything I could to get away from him! To this day I still don't understand.

One incident that serves as a good example is this: When I was hiding from him, if he saw a vehicle nearby he would smash the windows and leave a manically scrawled note saying it was my fault(sometimes including violent threats). Irate neighbors would come and insist I pay for the damage. When I told them it was K. they said I was still responsible because I had brought that [censored] into their lives. Besides, everyone knew he wouldn't pay for anything. In a futile attempt to reason with K, I asked him not to damage the neighbor's cars, whatever he did to me. He said (voice dripping with arrogance) "if they didn't want me to smash their windows, they shouldn't have parked there, baby"

This attitude, combined with K's own statements that I had hurt him (and his loved ones by failing to help him beat drug addiction), combined with my low self-worth led to my blaming myself - however, I was trying my hardest to do the right thing, be a "good girl" as well as protecting my own life and that of others...I felt mentally and emotionally destroyed.

The night of the assault, a worker from a women's shelter came to the hospital to help. She was the first person through all this who had taken what was happening seriously, (She and whoever must have called her) I told her what had happened, expecting the same old reaction, but she said she'd seen cases like this hundreds of times. She also had the police print out his criminal record and handed it to me. It was 28 pages long. She said, "now, do you really think it was you who made him go bad?"

She was very tough, which was a great thing. She helped me to go into hiding until he went back to prison. Unforunately, since he had a number of different sentences to serve, he was released for days at a time before he was picked up and sent back. One of these times, he located me through the utility company and tried to kick the door in (luckily it was made of steel) He scrawled violent words on the door then went out and fired shots with a rifle from the street. This is the last I ever saw of him in person, though not the last thing he would do. A month later I was sexually assaulted by a stranger in my home. The person said "this is from K."

This is the end of the his role in my life. It lasted approximately 5 months from start to finish. It took ten years of therapy to try to put myself back together. My relationship with family and other townsfolk never recovered. I was that girl who made K. do all those awful things. It was like a stain. One of the more shocking things I would discover in later years: during this blitz of terror I was not the only woman he had done this to. He had terrorized at least three other women in the same time period. All of them had to seek extensive therapy. It might be telling how long it took to discover there were others. Our fears and concerns were so often dismissed, no one bothered to talk about it.

After a couple of years of living a very isolated life, afraid of everything, I received a letter from cousin Anna. She missed me so much. She was having a great time where she was living and wanted me to visit. She had heard I was having hard times. I was so grateful! Yes, Anna could be cruel at times but only if you got on her bad side (so I told myself) but all the good things about her overshadowed that. Besides, maybe she had changed. She had so many friends who loved her, and she was the only person who cared enough about me to show concern. So, I packed up my bags and went to visit Anna.

To be continued when I have the strength. That was really rough to tell.
Thanks to anyone who's managed to read this far.

Hi Summer, welcome to our community, I know it can be draining, we will be here when you are ready to continue. If you are having some issues with the software until you feel more comfortable I always like to write in Word and save as I write along.

I hope by writing things down you will come to terms with none of this was your fault, it seems like many (just about everyone) have ignored your plight and blamed you. We are here to listen and validate your situation. Be kind to yourself and when you are ready you will know when the time is right for you to continue telling us more about your story.

Di

Thank you for your understanding, Dianne F. It's very much appreciated.
I believe someone wrote here on the forum that having been victimized by a psychopath is sort of like belonging to a club that few other people understand. This seems unfortunately true.
Luckily the mental health professionals I saw got it. Had it not been for them, I might have continued to doubt my own sanity. The validation is important. Sometime I still receive calls from people who want to talk about the things my cousin did to them. They need someone to understand that it really happened that way.


The story continued-

I left my hometown and went straight to Anna, a hundred miles away.

Is my cousin a psychopath? No doctor has given her a diagnosis that I know of. She would never set foot into a therapist's office - I only know what I saw and experienced in my time with her. Those months continue to haunt, hurt and fascinate me even now. Who was/is she really? She is a chameleon and a shape-shifter...you never knew what guise she would take. At that moment though, she was a lifesaver to me.

The first visit lasted a week. She immediately swept me into a big hug, and shared tales of her adventures. She lived in a sunny apartment where the phone was always ringing with friends calling to make plans. We made the rounds with them to all the restaurants and shopping. I had been lonely and lacking fun for so long, I was thrilled. She had such an aura of mystery and excitement, just as she had in the past.

There were a few odd things, though. There were a long line of roommates who had done something bad to her. It was hard to make out what they had done, just that it was bad. They had cheated and betrayed her, and now they had gone, left town. She had nothing but scorn for them. I did wonder what had happened, but the story was in nonsensical fragments. I should have paid more attention, but since I didn't know the roommates, and Anna seemed so well-liked I assumed she was on the up-and-up these days.

I returned home after a week, but my litle apartment was so dark and lonely that I was eager to make a return visit. I had money saved up, so I could stay for a month. Things resumed as they had on the last visit, though somehow this time I ended up paying most of Anna's bills. She was short that month, could I lend her a few bucks some to pay the phone bill and the cable? Since we were driving so much could I pay the gas? The restaurant tab? I didn't mind, but this would be a pattern that continued more and more. It seemed a fair price to pay in my mind at the moment.

Despite the fun, more uneasy stories began to come though. The hysterically "funny" joke she played on her friend making her believe there was a warrant for her arrest. Taking friends credit cards, ringing up charges and slipping them back unbeknownst to them, laughing while they tried to sort out the financial mess. When I expressed discomfort, she said, it was okay. They all got the joke - unlike me. Still, I noticed all of those friends had disappeared off the radar - they weren't friends anymore.

Back home for a little while, then Anna suggested I move in with her. My town had nothing but sorrow for me anymore. That was true. Besides, I was becoming close with Anna's circle of friends. They were nice people. It felt like a new life. We agreed to split the bills, and I moved in. I was happy enough at first, especially because one of Anna's friends and I began developing a romantic relationship. Anna said we were perfect for each other, and began to concentrate on other things.

Anna was always the life of the party. She really had no shame. I began to see that her lack of shame had even more of a dark side. Soon after the move, she began an affair with a married man who gave me the creeps. I asked what she wanted with him, this creepy guy who would cheat on his wife? She explained to me (rather off-handledly) that it wasn't about him, it was about his wife. The wife had no business being married to a man Anna was attracted to, so this was her punishment. She would make her pay for it. The mood in the once sunny apartment began to grew very dark as the affair developed. Anna made threatening remarks about what would happen to anyone who told about the relationship. "I'll make them wish they were never born". I began to spend much time with my beau and Anna's other friends to get away from it. This seemed to make Anna angry, and odd things began to happen. Private stories I had told her began to make their way around as gossip. Anna's friends confided that she had told them some very bad (untrue) things about me at the time I had first arrived, under strict orders not to repeat them. She had said my mental fragility couldn't take the strain of hearing what she really thought of me, and that my unstable emotional state was keeping her a "prisoner". By this time, I was spending more time with the friends than I was with Anna, who was engrossed in the affair, so they were puzzled. They said I didn't seem unstable to them at all, nor was I holding anyone prisoner. At this point a few people began to grow uneasy about Anna. As the stories came out, they seemed to be concoctions of lies about everyone.

As disturbing as things were beginning to get, there was a pressing sense among everyone that if we behaved the right way, the 'good' charming Anna would reappear, with her zest for life and fun. We missed that person, who could make you feel like you were in the middle of some great happening. My beau remarked that when Anna turned her attention on you, you felt "like the most important person in the world." On the other hand, we were also beginning to discover that most of her relationships were very superficial indeed.

It felt less and less safe to be at Anna's apartment, even when creepy guy wasn't around. We were still splitting the bills and chores, though. She took to locking me out with the deadbolt, pretending it was accident (though not very sincerely). Money I had saved began to go missing in large amounts, too. When I asked if she knew where it went, she shrugged and said she figured she needed it more. I was distressed, but still wanted to try to repair the relationship (even though I didn't know where it had gone wrong). I worried it was my fault, but didn't know what exactly I had done. I tentatively tried to talk about what I had been hearing from her friends, that she had real problems with me. I wanted to know if I could do somethimg to work it out. She began to roar in a way that reminded me of K., threw the coffee mug she was holding at me (it shattered against the wall) and snarled in a frightening voice that I had no right to dicuss anything she said with her friends. Ever.

I was upset enough to travel back to my hometown for a while. My beau and I had fallen madly in love and decided to move in together. I used the time to get stuff squared away back home. Then there was a hysterical call from Anna. Her beloved pet had died. She was inconsolable.
She begged me to come back because she couldn't bear to be alone with her grief. So I did.

We all gathered around her to console her over her loss, but in that time the disturbing things began to happen thick and fast. The way she would go from tears to happily joking to creepy guy on the phone about dissecting her beloved pet. A frightened girl who turned up to ask why Anna had told her violent ex-boyfriend where she was. Another woman wanted to contact her about some forged letters slandering her that could be traced back to Anna. Another case, a confidential story about a friend told to win favor with Anna's workmate, who then spread the story everywhere. The friend was considering multiple lawsuits.

I was being very quiet about all this. I guess I was learning my lesson. I wanted to get out of there as soon as my beau and I could get our own place, I was hoping to do it with no huge blow-ups. So I just waited. There was more. One night Anna laughed about how she she had broken into a locked room at work where valuables were kept. The next day she was called in because the burglary had been discovered, and she had been the only person on the premises. She flatly denied it and was utterly offended that she was accused. She came home raging. "how dare they, how dare they accuse me!! The filthy liars!!" Since she had admitted to the burglary the night before, I wanted to say, confused, "but you did....." but my beau secretly tapped me to keep my mouth shut. He was already understanding what Anna was like.

Right before I moved out for good came the final incident which made me think for the first time that she might be a psychopath. It began with a knock at the door. There was a man at the door, crying. He asked to speak to Anna. There was some bad news about her best friend of many years. I gently told him to wait, I would go get her. When I mentioned to Anna, her reponse was off-handed and full of obscenities "What does that [censored] want? How dare he come here to speak to me....etc. I told her that something bad had happened to her friend. She shrugged "well, I don't feel like talking to him."
I went to the door again and said Anna was indisposed. He looked confused and hurt. He said tearfully that her friend had been in a terrible accident and was in the ICU, not expected to live much longer. The friend had asked for Anna. He had been so sure that Anna would want to come right away - after all "they were always so close". I said I was sure Anna would come as soon as she could, and wished him well. I went back to give her the news. Her response? "Pfft.So?"
I was stricken by the response. I didn't even know this girl, and I was more upset than she was. Her eyes were as dry as sand. That wasn't the thing that convinced me, not yet. It was a few hours later, when a man who she wasn't keen on called for a date. She began to cry hysterically on the phone."how dare you ask me for a date now! My best friend is dying in the hospital and you want me to go to lunch?" The man apologized profusely while she cried. I thought to myself, maybe I misjudged her, maybe it was a delayed reaction. Then she hung up the phone, dry-eyed and happy again "There. Now I don't have to go out with that guy." She said, with a very satisfied smile. She went back to what she was doing and never mentioned her friend again.

I will leave the story here for now. Will continue a little later.

Summer,

It truly does sound like Anna is a psychopath. Hopefully you escaped from too much damage.

I was interested to hear your description of her crying hysterically. I haven't heard much about psychopaths and crying. This was one of the most puzzling things for me. It was what got me involved with the psychopath in the first place and what ultimately convinced me she was one at the end.

In the beginning, the psychopath lured me in with her pity play. We grew closed, hugged, and one day I gave her a brief kiss. I was in another relationship, so told her that I needed to back off and stop this. She called the next day crying hysterically, begging me over the phone for a chance, saying she had been up all night crying. I just assumed she was upset because at age 24, she had never been kissed and even a little peck sent her over the edge. So, I felt sorry for her and gave her the chance she wanted, but she ultimately wanted more than just the kiss.

After she cheated on me and broke up, I attempted a reconciliation. We went on vacation together and when I brought up about the guy she had cheated with, she went to the lobby, sat in a chair with her knees rolled up in a ball and cried, shaking violently with her head between her legs for an hour. I couldn't see her face or expression, but it was the oddest display of emotion I have ever seen. It didn't seem real, like it was bad acting.

I'm curious what Anna's hysterical crying was like or how others have witnessed psychopaths cry.

Hi skybluepaint, they normally go through the actions vs. emotions. Very often they look like they are crying but no tears, maybe rubbing their eyes hard and the eyes naturally turn red and can leave the impression they have been crying also. It will be interesting to see what Summer observed.

I would suspect when your x got finished shaking and acting hysterical you probably saw red eyes vs. a face washed with tears?

Di

Interesting, the crying thing.

When I finally knew I was going to escape, the Psychopath was sitting in a chair, head bowed down, 'crying'.

After everything I had been through and traumatized as I was, I knew it was an act, I knew it wasn't a 'true' emotion.

I thought he was a disgusting person, utterly pathetic, and I wanted to spit on him. I'd never wanted to spit on anyone before, but it was a feeling that came from the soles of my boots. My OT said this was anger.

Anyway, that display of crying was certainly one of the weirdest things I saw offa him. After being at the chill, frozen core of what he was/is (and that felt like the 'real' him) the sobbing was pathetic.

My Mother did the same thing when I moved out of her house. She acted like she was crying. I think the first time I had seen in my life. It seemed weird or fake though. My now husband thought she was faking. What she started "crying" about was not even an appropriate thing to cry about. She was just trying to make me feel bad for leaving somehow. It is weird, frustrating, and draining. Come to think of it I don't remember seeing any tears. I didn't stand and examine her for some time but I don't remember ever seeing any tears.