Can I speak freely?

I'm sick, sick, sick to death of feeling like this. Of feeling somehow marked, different, set apart from the rest of humanity, because of my dad.

Not even anything to do with my own actions, but because of him!!! What sort of an effing injustice is that? I mean, if I'd done something bad, then yes, I'd have no trouble shouldering the responsibility for all the ensuing crap. But why do I have to spend my life sorting his shit out?

I wish I could throw his shit right back at him and walk away. He dished it out, so he can have it back, and keep it.

Hi Starry, we are all ears. Now, how do you thing we can help you move forward from this. Is it the memories that are causiing your anguish or is he part of your life or live near you. We need to figure out a way to get you walking forward and away from what must be the horrific pain you are in.

Maybe so we can all support you would you mind doing a recap of where you are with him, like living near him, is he dead, does he call you? What do you think is stopping you from walking away? You are right, you did nothing wrong.

You may also be helping others unlock the key to move forward and out of this pain.

Di


______________________________
Never doubt that a small
group of thoughtful,
committed people can
change the world. Indeed,
it is the only thing that
ever has.

Margaret Mead

Do you think? I hadn't thought of that.



I guess I feel like I'm dragging round a huge weight everywhere I go. It's like wading through treacle, all the time.

No, he's not dead. He's still out there, causing hurt and damage.

He doesn't call me, and I don't think that he would try. I made it pretty clear last time we talked on the phone (many years ago now) that he had no influence over me, and that it was me that was controlling that phone call. So, in a sense, I'm beyond his reach. And he knows that. He knows I've seen him for what he is.

I guess it's the memories, and the influence that he still holds over the people close to me that he has affected. He almost killed my mum. Starvation is one of his favourite techniques. That's what he did. And that's what I had in store for me. He'd already made a start.

I'm sorry, this is all jumbled.

I just wish I didn't feel so worthless. He never, ever bothered giving me even one single birthday card. Of course, I realize that I have the power to make myself feel worthwhile and that shouldn't hand that power over to someone else. But it's difficult if you never had it, ever, from one of your parents.

Whenever I do try and convince myself that I have the same rights as everyone else (not for long of course, maybe the odd 15 minutes here and there) I immediately start stressing and panicing. I mean, what if everyone absolutely hates me? What if they see through the nicey nicey facade and see what really lurks underneath? I've had that reaction off people a few times, the 'you're beyond the pale' reaction, even from the medical profession.

Why should the shame be all mine? Why can't he bear some of the shame? Why can't society bear some of the shame?

It just doesn't feel fair.

He doesn't call me, and I don't think that he would try. I made it pretty clear last time we talked on the phone (many years ago now) that he had no influence over me, and that it was me that was controlling that phone call. So, in a sense, I'm beyond his reach. And he knows that. He knows I've seen him for what he is.

...and I've named what he did to me for what it is.

Starry,
I am sorry you are feeling this way. Recently, I have been seeing a naturapath doctor/healer who believes emotions get trapped in the body and can lead to physical ailments, even disease. So, quite literally, your father may be making you sick. The mind body connection is so incredibly strong and we are all just energy fields, so it makes sense. The question is... how do you release these trapped emotions? Thee naturopath has a technique of identifying the emotion and then releasing it using energy meridians. However, there is an easy similar technique you can also do at home.

Take a simple strong kitchen magnet, hold it in one hand an inch in front of the bridge of your nose (lower forehead), think of your father. Then, take the magnet and move it up in a straight line, up your forehead, over the top of your head, down the back of your head until you reach your upper back, as far as your arm reaches. Basically, like you were drawing a line up and over the middle of your head. You don't actually touch your head with the magnet, keep it an inch or two away. Do that three times, and that may help release some of the energy. I know it sounds a bit crazy or "new age", but I have found it works. Anyway, worth a try.

PS - Don't expect an immediate change, but give it a day or two. That energy is released through the magnetic field, but it may take your mind and body a couple of days to catch up. In my experience, it has made me feel much lighter.

Yes indeed Starry, there are many more that come here and are not able to post due to the trauma and fear so your thoughts and words reach many more than you will ever know.

Di

Starry,
I don't feel quite qualified to help anyone at this point but I would like to try anyway. I think it is helpful to just take one day at a time for me. Sometimes I get bogged down with guilt and shame and along with strong feelings that I'm different from everyone else but this community has really helped me. I'm also pushing myself to get involved with church again. Hebrews 13:8 says that "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday today and forever".
lolly

Starry, that is a great step and your wording is perfect.



Many times putting a name on what is was is an important step in healing.

Di

I'm sorry I haven't replied yet.

I have read all your posts. Just feeling very low at the moment and lacking in energy.

Had a bit of a breakdown the past couple of times I've been to work. This afternoon I spent about 2 hours in my boss's room in floods of tears.

Not really coping very well at the moment.