I've had so many lightbulb moments i don't even know which one to start with. It seems that every time i had a lightbulb moment there was someone to say to me that i was making a mistake, looking at me as though i was ungrateful. My first one was at the very beginning of our relationship. It had all seemed so perfect. He was interested in the same things as me, my mom and family loved him, he was good looking, successful and single. He was a dream come true.

I had just slit up with a cheating ex and as he swore he would never do anything like that, everything rolled along nicely. In fact, just three weeks after meeting he was due to travel around the south Americas and said he felt so strongly about me that he wanted me to accompany him! Now i'm a regular woman from a regular place, so to me this was the holiday of a lifetime. But every ounce of my body wanted to stay home. I was struck with fear, but because everyone loved him and thought he was so generous for asking me i ignored my fears that it was all to soon and that i didnt know him well enough and agreed to the trip. It was a few days later when i asked about his kids mother something clicked. He had always maintained that he had been in a relationship with her for 20+ years and had split up with her 6 years before.

Well, after realizing that i was dealing with a politician i decided to ask him the last time he slept with her. He said a month ago, a week before we met. Well, i was already half way out the door when my friends and my brothers and my mom all reminded me of the holiday and how much he had spent and that it didn't matter because he was with me now... And i listened, and i went. Its funny, half way through that holiday it had gotten so bad i just couldn't take it anymore. He berated me so badly in Miami that i flew home from that trip alone, it was the scariest journey of my life yet somewhere between him screaming at me and calling me a whore, and my doorstep it was as though none of it had happened. When i picked up the phone to him he was so full of love and how much he missed me i think i started to feel as though i imagined it all as some excuse to come home. He sent flowers and jewellery to my home and soon i really did believe that it was me being stupid. All was fine for a short while except looking back, he had to skype me every day for hours on end. He wouldn't even talk to me a lot of the time , he just wanted to know i was there. And the calls and texts were relentless, still are.

I think that one of the biggest problems i had with my Psychopath was that he was perceived to be successful. He was all fast cars, nice suits and big houses. People used to think i was lucky to have him, i think if i'm honest i did to. But for everything he did, there was a price to pay for it. None of my friends were good enough, my mother didn't love me enough. He would use the most private and intimate knowledge he had on me, by telling me that everyone new these things about me and that everyone i knew was laughing at me and that if he was me he would not even show his face on the doorstep never mind walking around happy with a smile. In the end of the beginning he made me the most beautiful home. But that turned into a prison.

And that was it, no matter how much he spent (which believe me was not a lot although he tells all he spent thousands on us which is an exaggeration) , it was still a cage. There were times when i tried to break free but he had no qualms about punishing my children along with me (by making us all homeless if i disobeyed him). But that's for another day. I am two weeks free of the Psychopath now. He would always find a way of making me feel guilty and to take him back before. I didn't know WHAT he was then. I do now. He will never change. He will keep shouting, threatening, pushing , punishing and goading me as long as I LET HIM. The choice is mine and i choose to leave.

Its funny how your brain makes you forget things that are bad. When i start facing up more to what has happened i am sure i will remember more as i know there is more, it's just making sense of it all. Funny thing, 6 months ago i was diagnosed with PTSD and didn't know where it was coming from. Guess what, i do now.


Thank you for listening/ reading

My lightbulb moment was just the other morning. I awoke, bolt upright, thinking "he is a psychopath!"

I have been reading these forums for days now, and tried to write yesterday about my experience, but am far too weak still. At some point I will, as I think it will help to heal. Thankfully, my experience was only for months, compared to the years people have written about here.

Right now, after days of severe RAGE at him via emails, I am trying to chant to myself various things: I am not crazy! He is mirroring my emotions (fake sadness, fake remorse etc). He has NO power over me anymore. And the list goes on.

And then, of course, I guess, I am still feeling the "oh my gosh, I am making it all up, I am making a mistake, I love him, want to help him." The vacillation between what I know to be the truth now, and this other "still wanting him" is such a fragile, fragile place.

I am soooo exhausted.

Hallo Gala,
Welcome to the forum

I think we have all experienced the cognitive dysonance, between what our hearts tell us, and what our heads and gut instincts tell us.

There is the world of difference between knowing about Psychopaths in the abstract, or in terms of someone you are not involved with, or trying to accept those facts about someone you loved deeply.

I have had years of non contact recovery, and mostly I am OK now, but even now I sometimes still wonder if I somehow imaged or mis-interpreted it all and if it was all my fault that I lost this (apparently) wonderful man , then reality/sanity and memories returns and I know he really was a Psychopath.

I hope the site helps you find some answers and the strength to cope with them. I can promise you that people here will understand exactly what you have experienced.

Thanks Smokey, I really appreciate your reply. Yes, from all that I have read here, people seem very supportive, which is what I need now. All, and I do mean ALL, of my friends and family told me to stay away, get away from Psychopath, and I did break up with him about three months ago after almost 6 months of roller coaster hell. After two months of no contact, he emailed me under the guise of a general email to notify friends and family of his new email address. I think that all my "support group" are a bit sick of it, and I get the impression that some think I may be exaggerating.

Anyhow, this re-contact started a month of hell. I knew I was being pulled back in, and kept trying to nicely, very nicely in fact, disengage many times. Then came the whole sob story crap. I ended up going ballistic - which is the thing I really detest as it makes me feel bad. And yet at other times I want to bash his head into the pavement.

I am rambling a bit now, as my head is still *enmeshed* I guess, but right after re-contact, I had a nightmare in which he shot me in the head. My intuition was screaming at me through my nightmare! And then, in one of his emails, he suggested that "he couldn't have lived with me at that time" but that he could do better. WTH? Never, not once did I ever invite him to move in with me. He lives with his mother, but she is moving north, and he is currently camping out for months at his friends about 2 hours south of me - THANKFULLY. Initially, I felt this overwhelming urge to tell him he could move in with me, but then my BRAIN took over and said NO! He almost had me! Again, the righteous rage!

I can tell you I am so thankful that my almost 17 year old son is a wise one beyond his years. He has never liked him, and neither does his best friend. They have both supported me so very much, without me really telling them what's up.

Gosh, I wish I could afford therapy. I need a "brain unload."

Hi Gala,



You are more than welcome to open your own thread to unload your thoughts and feelings. There is something very unique that can also help when we write down and see things in black and white.

We may not be therapists but we "get it".

Di

Thanks, I think I may just do this.

My lightbulb moment was when I was told we were going to move again, for the hundredth time almost!! i couldn't take him anymore, or his abuse. I no longer loved him and i realized it when he told me that we were going to move in with his sister, after not allowing me to have any kind of relationship with my family at all, but with his though! that same night he told me about the move, he raped me. it was the final straw, i could no longer take this from him. i didn't want to be with him sexually, so ho forced his way on me. i hated him and everything about him after that, especially after that! it gave me the courage to be able to get my "nerve up' to tell him i was not going to be with him anymore. i had to do this in front of our neighbors, when we went back to retrieve our things to move. i had to have someone around me to feel safe enough to do this.

My neighbors heard it and he still beat me up, they called the cops and he left before they could get there of course. That was my light bulb moment, a moment of clarity for me to be able to get my $%^& together and leave him for good!!It was such a wonderful feeling, having that load off of my shoulders and him not weighing me down anymore. My life has been so much better since that day. I did a whole lotta praying to be able to with stand that abuse and to leave. God made a way for me to get out of that situation and gave me the wisdom and knowledge not to ever make the same mistake again with someone else. i now have a wonderful man in my life who would lay down and die for my happiness.

Than goodness for that moment, that moment i realized i couldn't, wouldn't live like that another minute. realized i hated him, I didn't love him at all. That's no reason to stay with someone. I couldn't be un-happy another moment with him, or abused by someone.

My lightbulb moment was a few weeks ago when I sent him packing for what hopefully will be the last time. I had been curious and googled the definition of Psychopath and was reading the Wikipedia definition and thought OH^&%$&!! this is who I am lying in bed next to at night. I used to think it was his drinking, but then when he got sober, yes he isnt as mean anymore, but the pattern continued.

He thinks the world OWES him. He shouldnt have to pound the payment to find a job. I should give him money for cigarettes gas etc, becuase I am his wife and that is how marriage is, you support one another no matter what. When I came here and started reading other peoples posts...I realized I am not alone. There are other people who have been led to believe that they are the crazy ones...but that just isnt the case. The weird thing is, his brother is exactly the same and is putting my long time child hood friend through the SAME thing. So it MUSt be herditary.

I have tried to figure out how to make him understand why I feel the way I do. You have cheated on me twice, and you think the problem is I overreact to things I find in your phone. Uhhhhh....no the problem is you are a cheater and you think that I should just forgive you becuase you say sorry. Sorry buddy no way. Then he is manipualtive as heck...but newsflash: you cant beat the master at their own game, I am way more manipulative than you will ever be. I can run circles around you intelligence wise. So lets just get divorced and go our separate ways. You will find another vitim to leach off of, she may not have as much money as me, but you are ok you will do just fine.

The bottom line here is this: I dont want my daughter to grow up thinking that a man cheating on her is ok, if I continue to let you come home, that is what she is getting out of this situation. He makes me think I am the one that is nuts, thanks to all the posts I have read here, I am not doubting myself anymore. With you guys and the continuous help of my church and my pastor I now KNOW for sure what needs to be done. No more contact, ever.

My lightbulb moment occurred years ago. I was on the internet, crying and trying to understand why he kept hurting me over and over again. No physical violence, just unbelievable mental abuse. That is when I came across a long checklist of psychopathic traits. He matches them all. The only one I have never dealt with is the cheating, so I assume he is doing that and someday I will catch him at it. I remember being shocked, scared, and relieved all at the same time. Shocked, because of the "how can this be????" factor. Scared, because if you aren't a psychopath, of course it's scary as heck! Relieved, because I had a name for it, and it wasn't me that was crazy.

I'm not in a situation where I can get away from him. I try my best to live with it every day, to not put any stock into anything that comes out of his mouth, to not talk to his friends or family, because they have all been poisoned against me, to not expect anything. I cope the best by focusing all my energy into my life and trying to succeed and do the best I can at my career. I do not leave the children at home alone with him. I do occasionally leave the 14 y.o. in charge, but not my husband, Mr Crazy. No way. Besides him being a psychopath, he has drinking and drug abuse problems. Every now and then I think that's his whole problem - wishful thinking! He has been stoned every minute for the last 30 years of his life, and drinks every day. Not a heavy drinker, but daily, enough so that if he is at home at night he can lay down and go to sleep by 6 Psychopath.m. Good for me and the family, though!

The lightbulbs never stop going off. They never will. Today he told me his friend's Mother was coming to pick him up from our house and take him home. Mr Crazy was going out on his motorcycle at the same time to "order some glass for the greenhouse". Whatever. I'll be surprised if that's what he really did. I left to pick up my son at school, drove past our log cabin (about a mile down the road) and saw Mr Crazy's friend sitting on the front porch, obviously not at his home. I called Mr Crazy to see if he knew what his friend was doing at our cabin. He did. He was going to meet him there to play foozeball and move some rocks around the yard. Whatever. Who knows what's really going on? I don't know. I don't really care, as long as it doesn't effect me and the children.

He told me last week that a good friend of his is dying from lung cancer. This friend, "W" then contacted me on FB and had a little chat with me about normal stuff. I asked him about the cancer. He was surprised. He said his leg was swelled up and he was trying to save up enough money to go see a doctor about it. Hello? Dying? I deal with this crap every day.

When I was pregnant with our son I wanted to get away so badly. Every day he told me he would not be a father to him. Every day he begged me to get an abortion. He said I was disgusting and wouldn't touch me after the 5th month. I had the baby in a very cold December. We had only a wood stove for heat at the time. I was not allowed to sleep in our bedroom as Mr. Crazy's sleep could not be disturbed, just in case he might get some work to do the next day. He works about one day a week for a couple of hours on average. On the third day home from the hospital I asked him to add some wood to the stove because I was still having a major hard time standing up. His reply was "If you wanted to be warm, you should have gotten an abortion".

\

I think I might be more ashamed, because my litebulb moment was nearly right out of the gate, very early on. First I should explain that I have a unique situation since I was once incredibly street savvy and people with unusual or underground lifestyles are not new to me, even though I had been out of any of that for years. I was happy, responsible for my life, a nice home, a dog of ten years (that will be important later) and none of my past even in the rearview mirror at this time, but I was somewhat lonely.

We were on my porch on a gorgeous summer night, having a nice dinner and a few bottles of wine. He was talking about his past and how he had done terrible things, rationalized them as 'environmental activism' and drug addiction, but allegedly was Not THAT person anymore. How he quit drugs and was in a new business and it was all going spectacularly.

We got a bit drunk, romance and all that, he started claiming that he had never met anyone like me, how incredible I was etc., we both had an unusual past and could 'relate'. I don't totally remember what the conversation was, something like "I think we should get married, ha ha", and thinking he was joking, I was saying, I am not marriage material, never really believed in it, and then in a flash, I saw something like deep rage. He wanted the 'normal' I had achieved and maybe had to offer.

He got up to go to the kitchen and I thought, OMG, this guy might be a psycho and questioned having him in my home at all, I felt fear, but questioned my thoughts (paranoia?) because of the wine. He did kinda have a 'reaction' to my stubborn attitude to not accept him immediately as his soul mate and put himself down on my couch, and I asked him right then, are you a psychopath?
He said, "of course not".

We had many discussions early on about our past. I have known dangerous people, those that protect their own but are badass to the outside world. I was psychologically re-visiting this past (fantasy), of loyalty and brotherhood, even though my own life had been totally healthy and normal for a long time.

I think I missed that 'protection' and excitement of danger, as long as you could count on being 'on the inside track'. Of course you can't. I told him right off that if I ever saw this becoming destructive to either of us I would end it in a heartbeat. Well, what a load of bluster on my part! I always think I'm tougher than I really am. I always think I can 'save' people by loving them.

My life was then incrementally destroyed, week by week, month by month, though not nearly as much as some here. Dont they just love to screw up the Holidays especially, or any good times you might look forward to, or create insanity drama right after having a beautiful time somewhere? Especially if YOU paid for it.

I made astounding mistakes, time after time. The biggest was that I refused to have him arrested the last time he went psycho and stalked me at my home. Now, I pretty much live in waves of terror, some days better for 8 hours or so, then the fear comes. I live with a pistol by my side and clock every car that looks like his in my town. I also lost my beloved dog, which is the worst thing imaginable, because I believe if she were still with me, everything would be (nearly) alright. As it is, Nothing is alright, I cry every day for that loss and guilt over it, but not for him. I have a 10 year protection order and have been in 'no contact' for a month. I have no issues with 'no contact' and no thought of any, just total disgust, anger, and working through (beyond?) revenge scenarios. The problem is, the grief, disgust and guilt that you turn inward, and fear you cant trust yourself or anyone else.

I dont go through the emotions of wanting to contact the abuser like many do, though I did, til the last incident. I literally would not piss on him if he were on fire. I do not feel compassion, I realize they HAVE control, because they target only certain people and not others. So it's NOT as if they cant HELP themselves, they do resist it when it suits them ,in business or with people they respect. This means it's deliberate and NOT Out of Control.

I have asked him why I got to be the 'lucky one', he always said it was not planned that way. Huh .

In the future I'd like to talk about totally [censored] up therapists who blame the victim and talk about 'provocation', which irks me to no end, but thats for another time.

Thanks for the place, much appreciated!