Hello Skybluepaint,
I have run into difficulties replying to you, I will get back to you when I can.
I do get your goodwill & best wishes
Thank you - Newboy.

Dear all,
I am very hung up on where I need to go, what I need to deal with to begin to move on.
I think each of you that has welcomed me & responded to me has been picking up on the level of my distress.
It speaks to me of levels of distress that you know, have lived/living through and borne. It speaks to me of your pain, difficulties and struggle, speaks to me of the state of your heart - despite all that has gone before - your loveliness - your kindness and your care. Your care. I'll come back to that again. And it speaks to me of courage etc... I could go on & on.
All these things matter to me. I don't want to hurt you or bring you any more distress or trouble you
I am scared that my story will bring you horrors as well. I am scared of your disbelief aaargh so much angst Ive got to stop now

Hi Newboy, you are so kind to keep in touch with your thoughtful posts.

When you are ready, we are here for you. The community members have all the pain a group can ever endure. We are sure that what you have to say will be met with kindness and validation. We are a pretty hard group to shock.

Di

We help others by lending an "ear" to listen with compassion in our hearts for all those that cross our Internet door. Validation and support help the healing process and you are safe here.

Ah Dianne,
I am scared witless. I lose my wits. I keep coming back but I lose my wits. I am drawn by everyones kindness, gentleness. I am enthralled by the respect and consideration shown universally in threads etc. I dont know how come I lose it so completely It doesnt make sense. I have carried this stuff on my own for years. Held it at bay, done a good job with my kids, and survived. Now it comes to letting it goand I am just scared & scared. I am not even as scared of the "monster" as I get when I come here.???
Agony. So be it. Thats how it is at present. I can survive this if I can survive that. Get through.
I'll probably be back again in 1/2 an hr and then have to duck again. So be it.

Respectfully - Russell.

Hi Russell

I recognize a lot of the feelings you are talking about. A lot of the time I feel like I'm on the edge of sanity. And sometimes I know that I've crossed over to the other side.

I can't think what else to post, don't want to take over your thread with my own stuff. But just wanted to say I think I understand.

Starry

Hi Dianne and all,
I am just here contemplating your earlier post to me and the sentence "we are a pretty hard group to shock". I've made a bit of a breakthru here in that I have realised that one of the things that has been so scary for me is a fear that if I shock you , if its "Too Much!" you might reject me - as happens too often when we go for help. I am here for support, I need it maybe more than ever before and I want it. You offer it. You all have been coming to reassure me and I get the depths of that. BUT then I get Really scared - What if I get rejected, ejected Here! - where you know about psychopaths! and their prey! In some ways it doesn't matter so much out in the world if they reject or dont understand because they just dont "Get It". And they wouldnt. Ordinary sane people just wouldnt get it! You have to have been there and -Realised! what is happening. And you have to be more switched-on than the average person to Realise! Anyway - so I was very scared. Ill tell you, I have been coming to this site I dont know how many times a day in an awful bind then ducking away - in an awful bind. My kids must think I'm mad! They know there's something going on and I haven't said much to them yet. I attend to them for a bit & then I come back again and etc. I haven't been doing anything else for a week!
So, back to "we are a pretty hard group to shock"
I just love the glorious understatement in that!
You guys are so tough. you are the very toughness in tough. Not hard - tough.
You are soft, human yet gutsy enough and savvy enough to face it. I think the realisation must always bring shock horror. And the abuse, the abuses, the sustained chains of abuse lived through, survived. And you have seen the very face of Mal, hell itself.... and you still believe in love and goodness and beauty, recovery and the value thats in everyone howsoever battered, depleted and left for dead.
You all are a wonder, wonders, wonderful!
I know I am raving here but its just coming out of me. Its part of the passion and release and tears.
I reckon you can handle me and my psychopath.
I am tired now and considerably eased. Happy almost. Hope I'm not too dottery in the morning. and can find a place to begin. I know I will be looking into the blackness again - as it comes, as it comes.

Goodnight - Newboy.

Hello Starry,
Thank you for your post. Its late now in NZ and I am tired but I didn't want to go to bed without answering you. You know, I think you wouldn't be normal if you didn't go "over the edge" a bit sometimes. Dealing with the abuse and influence from a psychopath in your life is extremely traumatic and "crazy making". Its crazy making stuff! I think any sane person would go over the edge sometimes and certainly make you wonder or think you were. I know it does me, has done me a lot at times. It is a sign you are basically healthy. I think it is proper. Thats only my inexpert opinion. But think about it, you'd have to be very odd not to be affected like this. Psychopath.s Are you getting the help in your situation?

May I ask you another question? - answer only if you wish to.
That is: Are you feeling lost?

Many thanks again for your interest and good wishes - Newboy.

Hi again Starry,
My reply to you, last line, 1st paragraph "psychopath.s" should read "ps" for "postscript"

Cheers - Newboy.

I am. I am very lucky in that I've had a lot of help over the years. Some of it, unfortunately, has been very damaging. But some of it, fortunately, has been very good indeed.

I've also had help and support from the police, which has been very validating amongst other things. I did get referred to a special unit of the police though, and had help from very highly trained officers, who were also very good at their job.




I feel lost and confused a lot of the time. I'm currently working with a really good OT, who is really helping me.

I recognize that a lot of the time I am absent to myself and the world around me. I know that I am physically absent (so that I don't notice if I'm freezing cold, or if I've hurt myself, or if I really need to go to the bathroom, for example). And I know that I am mentally/spiritually absent (I feel that my 'real' self is somewhere off to the right hand side of me, not connected to the physical part of me).

My OT told me that this is what I had to do to survive what was being done to me. She tells me that I might have had to forget myself and try and work him out to survive the trauma, but that that is not a very nice place for me to be now, inside his head.

So she is working on bringing me back in to myself, by asking me always about how I felt about things that happened. We may not talk about the actual events (too traumatic for me, a lot I have simply just blanked out), but we talk about the shards of feelings and memories that I have.

She understands my fear, and helps me explore and express my anger. And she is there, to bear witness to it. So I feel very lucky, and touched that there are such kind and generous people out there. It's taken a whileto find someone like that though, it's been almost 20 years since it happened.

Don't really know if any of that makes sense to you.

Thanks Starry,
Yes what you say does make sense and I'm glad you've got good support. It sounds as though you are on a path that leads to a better life. It leads to a better life because you want a better life and you deserve it. I guess feeling lost & confused sometimes is just a normal part of the journey because we can't quite see the end yet so we question where we are on the path. I think I am writing this as much for myself as for you. I am always in a rush to jump over the uncomfortable bits and get to the comfortable, I just want to be there - Now!! Ha! I think I need to kick-back and accept that sometimes it is going to be uncomfortable and not for ever, and just step-by-step it. One thing I want out of all this is to be better able to take healthy care of myself so I need to learn to practice this as I go along! I hope I remember to heed myself... and I hope my friends remind me.

Best wishes - Newboy.