Hi Laura, what a profound statement that sums it all up when dealing with a Psychopath:
"we will never win"... maybe... winning doesn't mean competing... maybe winning means walking away.
And may I validate that life with them was no cupcake, more like living with a couple of atom bombs. I can hardly grasp how hard it must have been to have your abuse put on display in such an evil manner. I am sure that many of your relatives had to take a gasp and see what a horrible statement that was. It is very healthy that you and your husband have survived all of this together and at least you have your own family. Like friends it is better to have a small group that shares your love than a mob who in the end will never be there for you with unconditional love.
Our minds have amazing powers and blocking pain can be one of those. I don't remember much of my childhood and when in therapy there was this drum beat to dig up all the shreds, I only went so far as to "get it" and see the picture. As an adult when I had my head slammed to the cement in a business deal gone horribly wrong at the hands of a Psychopath, clearly my mind came to my rescue and blocked out the worst part, the betrayal by "friends". I found a couple of short pieces I had written at the time of the betrayals and really had it so tucked away I didn't even remember writing it and knowing about it at the time. I knew it was me that had written it so I must have know but tucked it into that spot of retreat in my mind, in both cases I had descriptions of when the "bomb" hit me by these other people, it was my handwriting, it was in my house that I found the writing so I had clearly for very good reason blocked it out of my mind. I also discovered what I posted in the Quips section a story I wrote called "Anchor People", that came out of trying to figure out what a friend was, could I ever trust in the future. It was so odd, it was in this tiny little journal book and when I ran across it while clearing out some things, I glanced at it and thought, well I'll sit down before I toss this and read it, the rest of the pages were blank except for what I had written about what a friend is and the short tale of "anchor people", it was written and blocked out for around 15 years. All that was in the journal was that story, I had no memory of writing it as I had no memory of the tremendous betrayal. I remember well the actions of the Psychopath, I had blocked out the betrayal by the couple of people I had thought were my friends.
I learned a lot of the value of compassion and what and who friends really were. It actually felt cleansing when a few of the people who turned on me tried to contact me later in life, I decided I needed a "neutral" zone in my life. Seeing their names pop up in an email or even my address book caused me to trigger back so I just deleted and blocked them. I don't want to have them in my life as an ugly reminder. Do I hate them, no because I hated myself long enough for the actions of others that I have a neutral zone and they will never be part of my life now or in the future.
One of them persisted and still sent their ego blown Christmas “letter” and because they were “friends” with my mother before she passed away we both agreed that we would no longer even open the letter. In honor of my mother when the last letter arrived last year I caught the postal carrier and when I saw who it was from I told him to mark the letter return to sender and if he had a stamp saying I was dead to use that. They tried to contact me later by email wondering why the mail had been returned and I simply blocked their email and actually felt a sense of relief. I usually buy a new address book every couple of years or so and had kept the old ones and the final step was I had the people in my address book I wanted to know where they were and I tossed the old ones because I didn’t want their names in my home. I wish them no ill, I am just done. By that simple act I found my neutral zone. That has become my life philosophy, I don’t engage in abuse and I don’t accept abuse in any form. It was the first time I made a New Year resolution and it has released any hold that abusers had on my life. I don’t dish out abuse and I don’t accept abuse. Nor will I have thoughts of abuse, it is hard work, but it is worth it in the end. Finding compassion for ourselves first and then we will find true peace and be able to not block out our feelings and remain numb and spun but by being neutral and finding our true center.
Realizing that you have done nothing wrong is the key, let them grub all they want for the money, in the end they might just not get what they think is their “reward”. The old saying is still true, money doesn’t buy happiness but for many it buys power, so that is fine if that is how they view things, that doesn’t mean that we have to compromise our own sanity by engaging in their actions. Trying to persuade people that you were the wronged one is a futile exercise, it keeps us in the mud pit or actually mud is the wrong expression, it keeps us standing in quick sand which is constantly shifting and keeping us off balance.
It was very kind of you to share your experience and any tips you had along the way are very welcomed. Many come here to our community and have given up on hope. There is hope, it is what and how we process things for ourselves. No one ever did anything wrong to deserve to be abused.
Di
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