I know someone who images a bell jar round her. None of the badness can get past it, as it protects her.

I have a magic cape. A beautiful velvet one, which I can wrap round me several times, down to the floor and with a huge hood. Nothing bad gets through that.

In the end, my dad's mom, I was glad I didn't tell her everything about her son, my dad, the psychopath. But she knew, she knew. And we had a few moments of mutual respect for that knowledge we both had, and a few moments of mutual respect for choosing to protect each other.

She was very wise, wiser than I ever imagined, in her will. She left a certain amount to her daughter, with proviso that if she contested it she got nothing. And she left nothing at all to her son. She left most of her money to a very good friend, with (I think) verbal instructions as to what was to happen to it.

Weirdly my dad is not motivated by money, but the sister his. My dad is mostivated by seeing the fear in his victim's eyes, in feeling his victim's knowledge that they are trapped. He's very good at keeping someone there, at that point. If they become too disconnected, from their minds and their physical selves, he has a million different ways of bringing them back. It's like watching a surgeon at work, it's so precise.

I think the sister thought she could get him to contest his side of the will and then get her hands on whatever came his way. So not having spoken to him for half a lifetime, with no idea where he was, she went half way round the world to try and find him...a man that's basically on the run and doesn't want to be found. She did find him though, I was amazed.

But of course, she didn't realise what she was getting herself into. She's still believing the 'I'm a victim' line that he puts out. I don't know what happened after that. I think he would be delighted to have found someone else to victimise, someone he had already broken (I'm certain she was one of his first victims).

Sorry, it's all so complicated.

Going to stop now, and try and focus back on myself. I can feel myself getting shakey and adrenaliney.

Thank you Diane and Starry,
So many good suggestions. I am working on Mom taking out the co-executor part. Had mentioned to her previously about putting a clause in that if you contest the will, you are out. The sad part is Mom gets confused easily and since PB is the epitomy of manipulation and evil, he will use that to his advantage. Will keep working on her to have someone else in this meeting.

I am not proud of the toll this has taken on me. Have overcome many obstacles in my life to be happy, so dont like the fear and anxiety now in my life. As you know, the disordered breed on that.

Today I searched for a talisman. Mom recently gave me her original wedding ring and engagement ring. Her fingers were so tiny I can only get it on my little finger, but may wear that tomorrow to ward off evil. Also, we have some Cherokee blood and I have an extensive collection of Indian artifacts that I have found. May stick one of those in my pockets. (The enormity of evil may require more than one talisman)

I love the idea of the cape and bell jar, too. Have spoken to my friends of "The cone of serenity". Like "Keep your crazy away from me". Will evoke the cone also.

I still worry incessantly about "The Meeting". He is so adroit at a variety of tactics to get his way. I am not sure Mom can ward him off, although she is sure she can. It has been his life's work to get money, insurance, cars, credit cards, etc., out of my father. He had 40 years of success and still couldnt bother to come to his father's death bed. (I feel like a character is some movie about tangible evil...a evil so palpable, it has a shape)

Interesting Debbie brought up alcohol. I found out at a very early age I could not drink. Have 28 years of sobriety. Unfortunately the others often drink to excess during there family outings to endure. In some ways that makes it more difficult for me. I dont want to drink, but their behavior when drinking, oftem makes it harder on me.

Not to rattle on excessively,.......oops.......too late......I shared a recent experience with a friend where a hawk came swooping down right before me and scared the heck out of a squirrel. The squirrel was hilarious; jumping up and down and sideways and generally freaking out. Dont know why the hawk didnt pick him up. It was a pretty small hawk.

My friend said, "Can you not see you are the hawk and he is the squirrel?" Yes, I guess she is right. PB squirrels away nuts (money), schemes, plans, tactics etc and it is never enough. I am the small hawk that scares him. But why did I know eat him? hmmmmmmm....

I also love nature and the connection to it. It has fortified me through many a tough journey.

Thanks again for listening and offering so many great suggestions.

So I sheltered myself with prayers, totems, the cone of serenity etc., and headed over to Mom's for Easter. Cant tell you how much I dreaded this

I was an internal wreck when brother and family showed up, but felt better after sitting with my two youngest nieces for awhile. They shared pictures from Spring Break.

My one sister in law, who is a Saint most of the time, and was imploring us to be calm, actually lost it a little in private, when Bro wouldnt hide his own sons easter eggs. Seeing St SIL lose it helped me a little.

Bro and wife made snide remarks all day about the condition of Mom's yard and house, which are fine by the way, and how the sons didnt get enough easter treats from the egg hunt. Yuck! Sadly when they left, everyone cheered.

A new concern is psycho bro's apparent collusion with our other brother in California. I was always closest to this brother and am totally miffed and saddened that he has taken an adverse tact with me after Dad's death. It seems mostly centered on his distaste for Mom putting me in charge of settling the estate and her finances. If he only knew how time consuming and mundane are many of the chores.

Thank you so much to everyone here for supporting me. It helped a lot. Hope all have a good week.

Liz -

Others here may have read my story before, but it is so similar to yours. We've always known that my brother has been off. He's not worked a full-time job for as long as I can remember. He either quits or is suspiciously fired from employment when he gets tired of the schedule. He sucks off of my now 84 year old mother financially, emotionally, and psychologically.

Years ago, my mom asked me if I would see what I could do to get her slow-computer fixed. My brother was unemployed at the time was constantly on it and complaining that it wasn't working properly. Imagine my embarassment, when the tech who fixed it found porn all over the hard drive. Yep, my brother was surfing for porn on his mother computer and doing who knows what else.

A few years later, I noticed my mom was acting depressed. I took her to the doctor and was surprised to find out that the same brother had kind of "over-taken" her car about a month before.

About 2 years ago, my mom fell and broke her pelvis. While she was in the hospital and we were fighting with hospital administrators about her care, this same brother was using her car without her permission. Eventually, he crashed it and didn't have the money for the deductible to pay for the repairs. During this time,he contracted bed bugs possible from a much-bragged about visit to an Asian Massage Clinic. He refused to get extermination despite my sister and another brother offering to pay for it, but insisted on visiting her home while infested.

Furthering complicating matters is that he has cancer and my mom is afraid he's going to die. Truthfully, he's more healthy than she, but you can't convince her of that because of her devotion as a mother and his lies and deceit. My sister and I helped to secure him SSDI so he wouldn't suck the financial life of my mother away.

We've know found out that after finally getting what he wants ($$$$$ through SSDI) he is now planning to move about 5 states away. Of course, he blames my sister and I for putting our foot down about the bed bugs as the reason for his departure. My mother is so caught up in his "reign of terror" that she believes him and is unable to see any differently.

I say all of this Liz because although my brother frustrates and angers me, what hurts me is my mother. She sees him as fragile. She is more than willing to throw my sister and I away because she is so manipulated by him. Sometimes, the right decisions can have devastating effects, but you've got to keep doing the right thing. When your mom is gone (I'm sorry to say) that is all that you will have.

Twin

Twin, Thank you for sharing your story. It helps so much to read of how it went for another person, although I am so sad you are going through it too.

The behavior is so insane that we wonder why everyone else doesnt see it. I think that has been one of the hardest parts for me.

That and the middle brother, who I care for very much, going over to the dark side with psycho brother. Cant tell you how much that hurts. All because Mom wanted me to help her settle my father's estate and didnt want a four sibling meeting at every turn.

There is no glory or money in the help I am giving. It fact it is taking me away from earning money because I am an independent contractor.

Now even my younger brother who was squarely in my camp seems to have doubts after talking to psycho brother. Even though he knows that brother is insane somehow he planted enough doubt in youngest brother's mind that now he is questioning how Mom and I are handling the estate. That hurts deeply too. I hope if he gets a little farther away from his conversation with psycho, the dust will clear and his thinking will too.

One part of me says, "Fine", let's have a four sibling meeting every time Mom has to write a check or fill out paperwork. But I know that will just be harder on Mom.

She is actually my main concern. She is 85 years old and not doing that great. After hearing that psycho brother now HATES her and still wants to have a meeting with her, I think the meeting will kill her and that will be his plan.

Seems like with the middle brother it is all about control. He lives a half continent away. How in the world could he control it from there? When it doesnt seem about control it seems like a male versus female thing with him. After 30 years of that from my father, I have had it with that thinking.

I know I ramble on but dont know how else to get it out of my system.

They say to disconnect from the psychopath but he just wont go away and I cant abandon my mother although some times I would just like to leave town. UGH!!

How are you doing now with your family? Do you still have to deal with it?

Liz -

I have good days and bad days.

I understand he has moved to Colorado. I also found out from another brother that he was "MAD" about all the work he had to do to secure SSDI. All the work *HE* had to do??. Shaking my head in disbelief about that one.

My sister and I paid someone to do most of the paperwork because he refused to complete it. Everything that person asked him to do, he refused to do or did in the exact opposite way that she asked so it took twice as long. Our sister-in-law re-wrote his crazy, disjointed, and sporadic work history because he "didn't see why they (the federal gov't) was being so picky." It was months of him stomping his feet, pound his chest, and criticizing us because his ego was to fragile to admit that he, his decisions, and his crazy life had led him to the point where he had a major illness, a part-time job, no insurance, no car, and no savings. He's mad at us.

Now he is living in Colorado for his next "adventure." My life is better without him in it. I haven't talked to him in nearly 2 years and it is better for me. He's a master manipulator, liar, and game player. My mom doesn't see it and may never see it, but her life will be less stressful without the daily drain of him in it. When he screws up in Colorado or has his next inevitable crisis, I will have to make some decisions about how to handle it. Because I am not just making decisions about how to have him impact me in the least emotionally damaging way, I am also making decisions about how to minimize his damage on my almost 85 year old mom. She's vulnerable.

It is one of the most deep ongoing pains of my life. There are long periods of time when I am able to put it into perspective. Other days I am just dumb struck by the thought that my mom is so brainwashed by him that she can't see him for what he is. She likes to characterize it as simple sibling rivalry. It isn't that and to characterize it as such is so minimizing of what he has done to me, my sisters, our family, and her.

It is terrible to say, but the only way it will end is when he dies.

Yes, it is sad to say that it will only end when they die. Guess the ticket is to try to protect ourselves. You are very lucky that he is out of town. I see no need for you to bail him out under any circumstance. It sounds like time for him to sink or swim. What do you think? Hope you are doing well.

Liz

Hi Twin, am sad about your ongoing issues. It is so like a Psychopath to blame people for anything when all you did was help him. Thankfully he has moved so he isn't around, lets hope he stays gone.

I think it sounds perfectly normal to think of him as dead. At least for now he won't be around to ruin your family gatherings and you can help your mom. Your mom won't ever admit it but she is one lucky mom to have you and your siblings be there for her.

Di

Thank you for saying that. My sister and I really try to hold our heads high that we've only tried to protect our mom financially, psychologically, and physically. It's not that she is mad at us, but she is too vulnerable, too scared (I supposed), and too guilty-feeling to disagree with him when he plays the victim. You're right. She won't admit that she is fortunate to have us because when we don't run interference, he psychologically over-powers her.

My family dynamic about this is a lot like families where there is incest. The adult child finally develops the insight coupled with the courage to admit and face how the brother, the father, the grandfather, etc molested them. But they are re-traumatized when their family members would rather keep it quiet because they aren't ready to face it. That is how I feel.

There is pain associated with isolation and secrecy -- of knowing something but not having the courage to speak about it. But there is also pain associated with finding the courage and then realizing that most everyone would rather have you be quiet.

I know, Twin, family dynamics play a huge role and if you count back your mother was probably raised by parents from the late 1800's so she is still dealing with how things were back then. My father's father, my grandfather shot and killed himself in my fathers sisters back yard, it was a big secret. All my life I grew up thinking he had just died. I don't even remember how I found out my mothers sister, my Aunt had run off with my grandmothers sisters husband.

Before my mother passed away she wanted my brother and sister and I to all put our pasts behind us and it was tough but I did and put on quite an act so that she died thinking things were great between us.

I inherited a box of family photos when my favorite Aunt passed away, they were photos back to the civil war and no one still living had any idea who they were.

I can't imagine how many other things were kept secret, think it was just how they operated back then.

You and your sister are doing the right thing to keep your heads held high, you will always know in your hearts that you were there for your mother even though she will never accept what her son is.

Over the years, many parents have posted that are probably more in our age group and they disappear, I can only imagine the pain they must be in. It is a tough one to accept and I imagine your mother just wants to be in peace and believe whatever she has convinced herself to believe.

You are doing the right thing, stirring things up will only make life tougher for your mother as hard as it is to remain quiet about it. It is like an elephant in the room and she will never see the elephant but you will know that you are doing everything for your mother and that is more than most children would do considering the past.

I hope he stays away, it is a good thing even though it must have been pure torture to get him on government payroll because at least he has the money to wander away.

Di