We were married for only four months and since we started to live together she changed drastically.
I was daily abused and humiliated.
I was used to her short temper and insults but the abuses were something else.
I started to be suspicious and found out she was having an affair with some guy from work.
Back then i didn´t understand how someone could change that much and as it always happens to most of us i started to blame myself even though i was nothing but good for her.
After a while i came across this book and it was just like a punch to my stomach. It described her perfectly.
I was shocked and destroyed.

A year ago I heard a segment on NPR's This American Life, talking about Robert Hare's PCL-R. As they talked through the 20 signs or personality traits of a psychopath I realized that my daughter would score very high up in the "likely psychopath" realm. On a scale of 0-40, she was definitely in the mid-to-low 30's, Listening to that show made me feel like I had been sucker-punched. My stress level went through the roof when it dawned on me what we'd been dealing with all these years. The light bulb was on. After hearing that show, I read Mr. Hare's book "Without Conscience" and started reasearching everything I could find on psychopathy. We already knew my daughter was the poster child for RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and when I started comparing the two conditions I realized they were very similar. The mental health community doesn't like to tag kids as psychopaths (as if one can outgrow it?!) but I guess RAD is an accepted diagnosis for these personality traits. I just wish one of our many therapists had warned us years ago what they honestly thought was going on, instead of being politically correct. The fallout to our family has been devastating.

My lightbulb moment was a few days ago and months after he left with another girl (poor thing is in danger and I feel bad about her because there's nothing anyone can do - even if somebody would tell her what he really is she will not listen like I didn't...). It's not like I didn't know all the facts and couldn't interpret them but I feel like for the last 4 years I was living under a spell and I knew there were lies and manipulation and sort but I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly was wrong. My friend did though - she told me he was a psychopath in the first half year and I just didn't believe her. She was right all along.
The last half a year with him was a pure nightmare for two reasons - I went completely mad, I had a suicide attempt and ended up in a hospital for a few days (he didn't even call not mention visit), I was anorexic, had panic attacks, couldn't sleep, work, I was a shadow of myself. In the same time he was already in a relationship with a new victim (and turned her immediately against me, posing as a poor victim of a crazy woman - me).

He was also telling lies to anyone who would listen - that was a long on-going campaign behind my back that was happening for longer even when we on the outside seemed OK. Fortunately for me, almost all of the people who knew us turned out to be immune (turns out that he had already had a reputation before he met me and also many people observed what was going on and realised his nature). When he left me (brought his new girlfriend or victim to my place and made a scene in front of her saying that he hates me and I destroy his life, I'm crazy and so on - classy) I was surprised to notice that instead of feeling even more destroyed I actually felt free and relieved.

I almost immediately reinstated contact with my friends and family, who were completely isolated from me during this time by his lies and manipulation and generally felt like I has been woken up from a dream, like I was spellbound and not broke out of it. However, I still didn't know what he really was, I stopped blaming only myself for it but I felt like it was a fault of both of us and so on. Until I really started talking to people and learned how much he really lied, that I was not paranoid, that I had all the right impressions from the start and was tricked by him into thinking I was mental. At this moment I went to the internet and started researching the narcissistic personality disorder because that was something I felt for a longer period of time he might have. It kind of fitted, at least some symptoms but not entirely, it really did not describe everything. And then I remembered what a friend told me about him being a psychopath and I found sites for victims of psychopathy and that was it: 1:1 description of everything our relationship was, his strategies, even the fact that he couldn't understand metaphors in art (I remember I found it funny and buffing at a time that such a smart person doesn't get these things - now it makes me feel cold inside).

Now I just hope that he decided that I'm uninteresting, a broken toy and he will leave me alone. I'm not afraid about my reaction would he want to come back, I feel nothing for him but disgust but I know well that he can then try to damage me just for fun. He always enjoyed tears in my eyes. I'm only sorry for the other girl, I hope she will be strong (although this guy has a fetish for women with underlying problems - he fished me out because I was shy and lonely in a new city and she has even more problems - she comes from a pathological family and had suicide attempts as a teen: he even openly admitted to me that this is what he's attracted to in her).

Tangled up,
I too wish therapists were more tuned into what they are dealing with. I had a haul with a therapist who insisted it was 'abandonment issues',
hearts and flowers, and that if 'me and the Spath could get over our issues , we could be together again". I kept saying, " You MUST be out of your f-ing mind, understand WHO you are dealing with, a bonafide Psychopath" . He finally apologized to me, after many upset emails and sleepless nights thinking , and him implying I was the vindictive, crazy one. But apologies do not make up for the lost nights of feeling misunderstood and insane.

I read "Women Who Love Psychopaths" and "Psychopath Free" but before that I started with emotional unavailability and read every single article Natalie Lue wrote on Baggage Reclaim, then I considered bipolar also. I knew something wasn't right.

Yeah, I started with a narcisst...

Mine has never been a lightbulb moment just a slow coming to light of a name and a reason I experienced some of things i did. I read something about the words a psychopath will use. My mother was particularly good with guilt. Most mothers are I suppose, but I remember her sitting me down and telling me everyone just thinks I feel sorry for myself. This was after I tried to report her, and my brother to the police. There were other things again, that relate to the words she used, where she would chastise friends behind their backs for having issues with depression due to being abused as children, and she would call them weak. And she would get on her high horse about people reporting abuse that happened to them as children, about how they be need to just get over it.

I used to begrudgingly listen to her, and now I see it as a reflection on herself.

As a child I had no resources against her. She turned them against me. She does not hold that power over me. So now as an adult I talk about it. There is no shame in talking about abuse.

Age 15 and 16 should have not been so hard for me. I should have not been out of my mind from stress. I should have had some compassion. instead I felt in that time of my life I was kept very much alone.

I am coping but I never forget the damage my mother, and my brother did.

A few months ago when I left to seek help I decided to get some counseling. I talked to a counselor at a woman's shelter. I told her that my mother often called my brother a socio-path. The counselor suggested the apple didn't fall from the tree. Another counselor said something about my "socio-pathic" mother.

I know it must be hard to tell the truth face to face (but if you're ready to leave the relationship) then why not tell? In my case the truth came up to light after an ER visit - the papers clearly stated "psychopathy" I was long suspecting this diagnoses in our Psychopath. since all the behavior was just too obvious (at some point I was considering Bipolar or Borderline Personality) but I was wrong, it's psychopathy all the way.

Psychopath. continues to scam, con and probably has plans to start his evil ways just like before. Luckily I am not sure if Psychopath. will find new victims that easily this time.

Well, it does not hurt to give him an opinion so that he has it at least a bit worse... Especially that he was officially diagnosed so it's not a crazy woman's talk;).

Hi xela007,



They seem to always find new victims and actually it seems quite "normal" for them to be working several victims at a time. Doesn't really seem to matter if they are unattractive etc.

Di