Random thoughts, part II

Early on whenever she set up the table she dindt place silverware or a plate in my seat. If asked she replied that I should do it myself. So, I got into the routine to set up the table myself so there would be no fuzz over my plate and silverware. As the years went by, she not only didnt cook a meal, she neither set up a table or clean up anything. I was her 'house slave.' This is the term, by the way, she used to describe me to her friends.

Again, I just looked the other way and let it happen. Anything I would have said would certainly make the hammer fly. I didnt want the kids to see that. So, I complied and became her 'house slave.' In her country of origin there were people who were treated like slaves. So it must had been a 'normal' thing for her to see me as her slave. In her bed/sex fantasies, most likely (?) I was her 'dead' slave.

Hi NoOne, I can sense your feelings of not letting the therapist report your wife and how she was with your children. It is also very likely with the crazy systems we have at least here in the US that no one would have done anything or if they did come around as soon as they left things would escalate horribly if that is possible to imagine.

I have tried for example to help some kids out that are living with meth addict parents who do indeed model may traits of Psychopaths and they get taken away for awhile and next thing the parents have them again, it is a crazy cycle. For awhile the grandfather had them and really he was not much better. The parents are known drug addicts, the grandfather is an alcoholic who lets the parents come round and the house even tested positive for meth but still no relief for the poor kids. The courts here have this whacky thing that kids are always better with their mothers and don't take into account disorders the mother exhibits. Truly sad for the kids.

I guess what I am trying to express that even if you had done something I can't really say for certain that help would have been there. It is also highly likely that she would have presented herself as the ideal parent and you as the problem and also highly likely she would have been believed over you.

Tough to tell but these are just my thoughts.

Di

I guess what I am trying to express that even if you had done something I can't really say for certain that help would have been there. It is also highly likely that she would have presented herself as the ideal parent and you as the problem and also highly likely she would have been believed over you.

............

Dianne, You are right on that one. No matter how much sick she was (and is) and how much evidence there could be against her she was (and is) so good at make herself a victim that it would had been an 'endless' and costly legal battle and, most likely, people whould believe her victim story.

She is good and I mean, good, at turning things around and make herself a victim. The therapist knew about her but without my consent she gave up. I sense that I am only trying to justify my inaction and blame the therapist. But ... the law is the law and the law in her State required her to report child abuse. She knew very well that this was a case of child (and spouse) abuse.

I think that when she went to therapy alone for a few sessions the therapist confronted her but got nowhere because she quit after that attempt.

And, you are also righ, a mom would win 99% of the legal battles against a dad merely because she is the mom. This is the sad story in the US. Also in my case, when I had the courage to tell professionals in the health field that I was being abused by the female spouse, they took it with a 'grain' of salt. Moreover, I was bigger (in terms of physical size) than her. Hard to believe how a 'little' female thing could control and abuse a 'big' male spouse.

I know that the numbers show that most psychopaths are male but people should keep their mind open, there are many, many female psychopaths out there. Males are most likely to hide it because of shame and suffer in silence just as I did.

This bias (against dads) seems to be a peculiar US feature. In the country where I am now the legal system is much more fair. I know a native judge and a lawyer very closely and they have told me that the bias has been gone. Dads are awarded custody over children (supposedly, so they say) without gender bias. Recently I even heard of a case where the children were given to the custody of a gay couple. Gay couples can legally marry and it suffices for any couple in any possible combination (male/male, female/female, or male/female) to live together for 4 years to be considered legally married. But not the point anyway.

The numbers that get quoted as far as how many are even in society are way off and haven't been figured out since the early studies in the prison population. I think there are just as many females as males, the difference is the females more than likely go unreported. It is hard to guess but I am comfortable saying that 1 - 3% of the population just doesn't add up in my book.



I also agree that most males are likely to hide it, spousal abuse against males doesn't get reported and is very misunderstood. Do I think this will all change, would like to think so but in reality it is the sad state of things.

Di

Perhaps we should not be conditioned to see it through the male/female gender prism. It is a 'human' pathology that applies to all. I may be on the wrong side of statistics but I have seen my share of female psychopaths.

Agreed it is indeed a human pathology. My first encounter with a Psychopath was a corporate one who was a female. I think the female version of the human pathology bring a new meaning to the word crafty + evil.

Di

Bomb threat

We were probably married for a few months, we had only one car, and I dont remember exactly the reason but I was late to pick her up. By late here I mean less than 15 minutes. She didnt know to drive yet but had the car keys. She went into a trantum. The car was at the parking lot of a large semi-urban institution with its own police officers. She open the car windows, turned everything inside upside down, and left a note saying something like 'beware, you son of a b****, there is a bomb in the car ready to explode if you turn on the ingnition key.'

My feeling was that she had done it because she was not waiting for me as usual but I wasnt sure of anything. The security officer knew me and had already noticed something strange and I showed him the threatening letter. We both didnt know what to do with it but just as a precaution he called the central and another officer showed up immediately. They looked around and suggested it was a prank. Kids at that place had all sorts of pranks.

She took the bus home and when I got home she was furious. Why was I late? Why I made her take the bus, etc, etc. Then she asked how was it to get a bomb threat and to be careful because next time it will be a bomb for real.

I really didnt know what to do with it and how to deal with her. Next day the officer came to fill up a report and I made myself stupid and ignorant of the whole thing. 'It was a prank, no need to take it seriously.'

It was only the first of many more rampages. The threats were not only meant to scare me but also to humiliate me in front of other people, later to include also the kids.

Snoring

Yes, something as silly as snoring became a big nightmare for me. I dont know why but the complains about my snoring begun about the time my first daughter was born. I dont know if I snored before it or if even I snored at all. I know that soon after her arrival I was exhausted. Mom went back to work and I became very busy and tired. I had my usual work (very easy one) but also had to take care of the kid, go grocey shopping, cooking and cleaning because she did nothing else except go to the shooping mall with the kid or weekends and spend 200 dollars on 'shopping therapy.' Anyway, when night came I just dropped dead. I was tired and continue to wake up very early (at 6AM) in order to go swim (exercize) and be back before anyone woke up. So, I was burnt physically speaking, no big deal, but the by-product of it was that as soon as I got to bed I 'dropped dead' and supposedly started snoring. Yes, snoring. So I was told because I myself was not aware of it. LOL.

Apparently she did not like my snoring and as if I had any control over my snoring she at first she begun kicking me and then also punching me while I was sleeping. We are talking here about physical violence. As soon as I was in deep sleep, bum, it was like a horse kick followed by a boxer punch.

But ... that was not the worst part of it. The worst part was the threat: 'If I cant sleep because of your snore then you are not a good father and I am going to take your kid away from you.' More precisely, 'find her a new dad.'

Of course, I became terrified. I had no control whatsoever over my snoring. No control whatsoever. Her threat made even less sense. Why would my snoring make me a bad dad and make me lose my daughter?

None of it made sense. But every night when I went to sleep I prayed to the lord not to make me snore. You have no idea what it is to be waken up in the middle of the nigh by kicks and punchs.

Believe me or not but this nightmare went on for 17 years and AT LEAST once per week. With time I just got use to it. Either I moved on to the sofa in the living room or turned around and continued sleeping. Occasionally I went to sleep in the living room which could as well be a hazard because the doors were open and the snore was loud enough to keep the drama queen awake.

I have no idea if my snore was that bad. Once I was over my 'dear' psychopath and I begun sleeping together with my SO one of my first questions was if my snore was disturbing to her. The answer was that she was not aware of it. I wondered and wondered if I truly snored. Maybe I didnt? Maybe I did! I continue to ask the question and never got a straight answer. Then I forced the issue. 'Please stay awake at tell me if I snore.' Of course that my SO worried about my state of mind. So I stopped forcing the issue. She mentioned once to have heard me snoring when we were sort of camping in the wild (I was 'dropped dead' tired).

I stopped asking her the question because she became worried: I wasnt making sense. I never told her even to this day what I am writing here. I dont have the courage to tell anyone this story. No one (except my therapist at the time but that one doesnt count) ever heard this story from my mouth because I know how stupid it sounds. How stupid I tolerated the kicking, punching and threats of taking my daughter away from me because of it. What is the connection of one thing to the other?

I now had the need to let the entire world know about it. I know I was stupid to tolerate such physical and emotional abuse whether I snored or did not.

The mind and works of a psychopath

Early on my 'dear' psychopath showed me how evil she could be. I had a co-worker in the office next door who was a little problematic. She was a good girl with a strong character and a poor reputation. I am not sure if she deserved it or not but the reputation was around (drugs, nightlife, married lovers, etc). We were sort of friends and I admired her courage but never, never had an affair with her. She was only a friendly co-worker next office. My 'dear' psychopath thought I was having an affiar with her. We had a Christmas party at work and so they had the opportunity to socialize. The co-worker, D, noticed that I was being bossed by my 'dear' psychopath and she said it out loud. D called her something like 'lympathic.' I dont remember exactly but if not lympathic something else meaning being bossing.

She didnt like it. Demanded to leave at that point and went on a rampage. I was forbiden from now on to talk to her which was impossible. We were co-workers and had projects together. So my 'dear' psychopath played her evil act. She wrote an anonymous letter to all her bosses and co-workers playing on the rumors about her caracter. It was bad, truly bad because she manipulated it to look like she was bad for the business. D was devastated and heart broken. Nothing bad happened to her because the accusations were anonymous. I felt terrible because I knew all about it but did not have the courage to say a word.

Back at home the drama queen and evil psychopath was delighted saying that D will never dare stand up to her. My share of the drama was that it was a lesson for me not to have female friends at work and if told not to talk to anyone specifically she will destroy that person and that I was the one guilty. All my fault because I did not follow her dictates.

I felt guilty about what happened to D and did not want anything like that to ever happen again to anyone. After D there were two more similar incidents. She picked the victims, make her evil act with anonymous letters and make me feel guilty about the devastation thrown at a 'friend.' The mere threat of so doing soon became already enough to persuade me not to challenge her dictates. The mind and works of a psychopath.

Horn Blowing

We lived in a typical middle class all American neigbourhood. Manicured lawns, plastic ducks, wood fence ... and a rarely used wood gate at the back of the lawn. Behind the gate I had a little wood barn where I had my wood workshop. That day the garage door didnt open (low battery at the opener end) and I was at the little barn using a router. When using such tools I use to close the door so to keep the noise low. She was upset that the garage door didnt open --my fault-- and since I didnt hear her call and the cell phone wasnt with me she drove the car up the side curb unto the manicured lawn and all the way to the gate. She blew the horn for so long that I finally heard it. I came out as fast as I could and was amazed to see the car at the top of the lawn and the non-stop horn blowing. A few neigbours also came out and were all as well preplexed at what was going on. What was wrong? Should we call the police? She came out of the car, shouted a few hateful words and got in through the back door. I was embaressed to say the least, apologized to everybody and carefully drove the car out of the lawn and into the driveway. Once inside the house, she went into a rampage, it was all my fault (she had a long list of all the wrongs). When I explained that I was at the barn using a loud tool and therefore didnt hear her call, she went into the barn got the hammer and, voila, my innocent router was broken into pieces. I still tried to explain that garage door openers have batteries and that I can not guess when they are about to fail. They just fail and then we replace them. But reasoning did not go anywhere. She just got instinctual, wild and violent. The rampage ceased only when she demanded the 'dead man' kinky sex act. The kids were not home yet and I wonder if the neighbours heard her wild orgasm.