I agree with you. Drinking is a self destructive behavior. The psychopath wants the victim to self destruct. Saying 'see I didnt do anything, he has a drinking problem and it is his problem' while at the same time causing more pain. I dont know if you have been down at the poin of total despair and feeling hopeless and helpless. No way out except a quick shot of drinking and forget it all.

Thanks for your time and attention. Alcohol for now is out of question. I am having pain at the liver and after some Google research I am certain that it is alcohol related. I reached the plateau of about two liters per day! So I stopped a month or so ago. The liver pain improved. I have had a few relapses and every time the pain has returned. So I am certain that if I continue drinking I will destroy my liver. I am also certain that the helpless and hopless feeling is getting worst because I ceased drinking. Then came the Marijuana alternative. I bought it once and it spaced me out but it seems to be also out of question because I cant find a dealer to sell me anything. I dont look like a drug user at all and pot is not as readily available here as it is in any major US city (I am a US citizen but not living in the US). A reason (if not the reason) I first came to this forum was because the pain got worst when I stopped drinking. As if this was my last resource. So thanks for listening. There is something I need to get out of the system but I will do it in a different post.

Without getting into details I want to get out of the system one interesting episode with my 'dear' psychopath. I was being poisoned and had a bout of IBD (Inflammatory Bow Disease) that caused a lot of suffering. Had it for already a few month but it was getting worst and worst. Couldn’t eat any more.

The course time of food from mouth to toilet was not only a few minutes with very intense pain contractions and lots of gas. Doctors were already talking about a surgical removal of the Colon. I had been at the toilet for some time and when I stood up a strong pain contraction came and I felt to the floor into a fetus position at the carpet entrance to the toilet. I was obviously in pain. I had been bleeding and there was blood all over the lower body. Some drops at the carpet as well. She came and said that I was blocking her way to the bathroom. I didn’t move because I was in a fetus position with terrible pain. On the way out she said to have warned me to move over and so that she had no choice but step on me. She stepped on my shoulder. I knew that something was wrong but given the condition I was in I had no choice but take it. She was the blood stains on the carpet and told me that I was getting the house dirty and that she gave me 5 minutes to clean it up. She went down the stairs and I heard her telling the kids that I was a bad person because I was getting the house dirty.

I have no idea why I tolerated this but I knew that I had reached the limit. I went into psychotherapy and continue to suffer of IBD for a few more years. One day the therapist who after some talking with other medical staff suggested the poison possibility. It was a light bulb moment and I gave the 'theory' a try. I did not put anything in my mouth, nothing, that I did not check out with uppermost care. I also changed diet (got into the Specific Carbohydrate Diet of Elaine Gottschall) and, voila, a miracle happened. Within weeks my health improved and the IDB was over (after almost a decade of suffering). Whenever I rarely ate or drank anything at home not prepared by me I changed plates and cups with her. She knew about it.

When I improved the therapist wrote a report to the other medical staff involved in my case (I only got to read a small section of it) about the poison possibility and my 'dear' psychopath was told about it by the family doctor. Most likely the poisoning may have stopped around that time. Occasionally I still have nightmares about being stepped on while bleeding on the floor. By the way one other detail about that bathroom. As an amateur wood worker I had built an old style beautiful medicine cabinet that brought me great praise from everyone who saw it. One day she went on a rampage (common) with the hammer (her weapon of choice) and broke the cabinet (glass and all else) into minute pieces. Another 'hammer rampage' witnessed by the children. She made a sort of point that they saw what she was doing. Both kids today also have episodes of breaking up stuff. The baseball bat is rather their weapon of choice. I feel guilty I allowed this to happen. I let it stand in order to keep the family together. Obviously the family broke up and I run away. I should have fought back. I should have not tolerated it.

My tolerance was not worth it because after all she broke up the family and kidnapped the kids. I still have nightmares today concerning her hammer rampages. Sorry, if I sound like and idiot, I am, but I had to let the world know about it.

Hi Noone,
I haven't been on the forum for a while, but I check it out from time to time, especially when I am in need of support. In this case, I want to give you support. Often time it is by helping others, getting out of ourselves that we get better.

Next Saturday, I will officially be 18 months sober, a MAJOR accomplishment. Seeing your post reminds me that instead of beating myself up over having the occassional longing for the psychopath, who is long gone, or a case of regrets, I should be celebrating how far I have come in my healing journey.

Resentments are the death of any alcoholic. When the psychopath cheated on me and left, I immediately picked up the bottle and couldn't put it down for a year and a half. Hurt led to anger led to an attempt to drown out the pain. Drinking only led to more anger, since alcohol is toxic to the liver. Chinese medicine says anger is stored in the liver, so I was merely fueling an already raing fire! It took losing a job and being forced to move that got me to seek help. Now, I stay sober one day at a time NOT through will power. I do it by admitting I am powerless, that I can't control people, places or things, and giving up my problems to a higher power. I know it probably sounds hoaky if you aren't a religious person, but when I admitted that only a power greater than me could restore me to sanity, it was actually a relief. I certainly hadn't been able to do it on my own or with a counselor or through friends. Nothing worked until I gave it up to God.

Thanks for the kind words. I have been sober now for a month an a few weeks. I had a relapse or two and every time the pain in the liver area comes back. So, God or no God my choice is clear: if I continue drinking I will have a major liver breakdown. It is very hard when the other pain is more choking that the liver pain but really I have no choice and stop drinking. Unless, of course, I want to commit suicice which is not in my plans so far. So, among other things I come here when it hurts most and write down my story with the psychopath.

The writing process keeps me mentally and emotionally busy so the pain is softer. As to the believe in a higher power, lets call it God, I do believe in such a thing but that high power for me is not a personal one. It is keeping nature going, keeping the planets in their orbits, and making sure that the universe is in harmony. I dont think that that high power has much to do with me in any personal way. It does but in an indirect way. Life (call it existence or being) in itself is divine. The mere fact that life is holy. The very principle of being (existence) is divine. So, that all that there is, is good and God. Thus any being in tone with its existence is good. To get away from that existence is then evil and bad and ends up in non-life (non-being).

We (me and you) end up at the same point, a high power. But mine is not personal, is not a God of any religion or sect. I have developed an aversion over organized religion. Guess why? My dear psychopath was and is a devout Christian. Preaches high morals, gives monetary donations, etc, etc. Indeed a devout Episcopalian. All fake. Big time fake. Nothing but a show in order to feel superior. One bad apple however doesnt say all apples are bad. In my case however, I was the one who got the bad apple.

Blessed those who get the good apples.

How to be stupid and marry a psychopath. If my experience is worth something and you want to marry a psychopath so she (or he) will destroy your life just model yourself after me.

First get a friend who just married an alien from one of the most underdeveloped countries with a miniumum wage below 50 cents per hour. Back then the internet was in its infancy so I was shown what was then a 'Mail Order Bride.' Beautiful, young girls offering their eternal love to any good soul who would go and get them. Choose any one of the catalog 'items'(back then a sort of the old time Sears catalog, today you have the internet) and mail a nice 'hi how are you' letter/e-mail. Next, (and please let me change my narrative to 'I') I, was exchanging letters with a beautiful attractive lady, from a good family, with a college degree, who wanted to be a dedicated wife to a single man just (exactly) like me. Love at first sight. Written in the stars. Perfect human being telling me I was for her an angel fallen from the sky to whom she will be indebted for life. An aquaintance from a previous life (so said the village witch).

Sounded so good that I took the plane and went to visit. We had a great time. She was a dream! There were a few warning signs but I was soooo stupid (blinded) that saw only the good. Thus I was seduced, truly seduced, to marry her. She was too good to let her go. It happens only in Hollywood movies. I came back to the US and for a year I did everything I could to bring her home. She also got pregnant so I will hurry up things but, ops, it was only a false alarm. I wrote my senator, hired a lawyer, signed tons of forms, assumed all the responsibilities for bringing an alien to the country.

After all I had found 'true' love. I even sent her money for living expenses. Just a few hundred dollars which went a long way in that most underdeveloped country. In about a year she indeed arrived in the US. All expenses paid for by her own 'angel.' 'Hi, how are you,' 'how was the flight. Lets go and pick up your luggage.' 'I dont have any luggage' she replied. It is all in here in my carry one bag. Indeed, when I picked her up she had her clothes on and a small carry on bag. That is all. We had a honey moon of more or less honey moon for about a week. She already had what she wanted, a sucker to bring her to the US. The psychopath within her emerge in full force within less than a week: the first hammer rampage!

Two decades later when she kidnapped the kids she was at the top of the business world with a yearly quarter of a million dollars income!!!!! Believe me, this is true! It would make a movie! Guess who made it all possible? Guess who was the stay home dad who put his life on hold to take care of the family so she could be a rising star? Guess who and how made it all possible. I have only one thing to say: psychopaths are superb in what they do.

They are better than the best actors because actors know they are acting, psychopaths dont. They act it out for real. More about her rise in the good old USA later. But first, her first hammer rampage within a week from arrival. Next time I will be in deep pain again, instead of drinking I will come here and write about her infamous first hammer rampage.

Hi NoOne, thank you for sharing your story. I know that communicating your story can really help with the healing process. It also helps those that come here and can only bring themselves to read.

Whenever you are ready, we are here to "hear" your story.

I am glad to see that you are able to not drink and hope that helps see things as clearly as you are seeing things. It is a sad situation that you found yourself in. Keep in mind that it must be because you are a kind and caring person because that is the type of personality they seek out.

Di

First hammer rampage

Yesterday I was truly close to drink only a little cup. I knew a little cup will turn into a big bottle and told my drinking budies, 'see you later.' It is getting easy. This pain in the liver that comes up when I drink is making miracles.

Well her first hammer rampage. Within a week or two from her arrival in the US we got into one of those Wallmart promotions, pay one get one free family portraits. We got a big and nice wall family photo. I built a nice frame, order a glass, etc. I took great pride in the artistic work. I am among other things an amateur wood worker.

One day I was late home because on my way out a colleague caught me into a conversation about office politics. Nothing important, only a lenghty chat. I arrived home perhaps an hour or so late (and because I was late) to find the photo frame broke up in the floor with broken glass all over. Frame was gone and most interesting there was the hammer puntch on my face. A hole! It hurt so much! I had done all the work with so much care. I took so much pride with the work. I cried, still tried to repair but to no avail. I still have it all (in broken form) stored in a little box. It was her first hammer rampage. She made it clear that if things dont go her way then it is the hammer way. All living quarters she has lived in had major hammer damage.

When the kids grew she carried over the same hammer policy. Today it is the children themselves who break up stuff. The baseball bat is rather their weapon of choice. I have asked myself endlessly, why, why did I tolerate it. Back then I thought that the only choice was to become violent as well but violence at least for me was out of question. I didnt see any other alternative back then. But, why, why did I tolerate it the very first time? I could have done so many things.

What I did, nothing and show pain, was exactly what she wanted. She had to be in control and the hammer was her way to get it. Sad, very sad not only because of the pain such violence has caused me but because now it is the kids themselves who acquired the same behavior.

Isolation

If only I had known that psychopaths isolate their victim! I knew about the isolation factor, I was warned about it but never took it seriously. After all what was wrong to be alone for the sake of peace and keeping the family together?

Friends and family couldnt be as important. When my 'dear' psychopath arrived I was quite a social person. My professional activity required some socializing and I enjoyed talking to people, have friends. I had a few good friends and twice more the number of acquaintances. Had a few more close colleagues at work and I a good share of a social life. Interesting enough and without getting into details for every male friend, acquaintance or colleague I had half a dozen of female. I always got along better with women than with men. But such relationships (with only few exceptions) were never more than just friendships. I didnt see them as women or men but rather as people. My 'dear' psychopath immediately picked up on that fact.

For her I was not just friends with my 'womyn,' I was having affairs with all of them which was, of course, not true. Not true at all. To make the story short, soon I was 'forbiden' to talk to women, to have them as colleagues, friends or whatever. To some extent I continue to socialize but never in front of her. Next, I was not allowed to have not even male friends. She always got a away to humiliate me in front of other people. Make a big drama for whatever reason, scare people away.

Within a year or two of our marriage I was isolated. Had no one to turn to because for one reason or other she scared them away. It got worst when the kids were born. I got use to the idea that I had no friends. Except for a few professional contacts I had no social life. It wasnt a big deal. I could be a lone star. It wasnt worth a big public scene by the drama queen. Once, when we visited my family she went on a rampage at a shopping mall (sorry, but I forgot the reason, maybe there wasnt even a reason). Screeming like hell, breaking mall stuff, throwing everything. And... the kids watching. The family watching. I was so scared a hammer would come up. So humiliated. Few years later wihtout any conscience, awareness, whatever, she claimed that the fact that I dint have friends was evidence that I was a bad person. 'No one likes you' kind of argument. She argued that I was in therapy because I dint have friends to talk to like she did.

Now, that I am reading about psychopaths I read it everywhere: psychopaths isolate their victim. Nothing could be more true. I dont think my 'dear' psychopath was even aware that she was isolating me. Psychopaths have zero self awareness. They are not actors, they are the act. They are on an automatic pilot certain that their course is the right course and there is no other way. They are afraid that the victim will be awaken by other people. They seek to isolate the victim in order to deliver the final death blow and no one will come to the rescue.

Thanks for listening.

I lost my kids but I gained my social life back. I am back to my pre-psychopath phase. I have family, a few good friends and many, many acquaintances. Having been deprived of it now I deeply value interpersonal relationships. But ... at what a price! I had to pay with my own kids in order to have my life back. What a price. I often wonder if it was worth it.

Hi NoOne, sorry for not responding earlier, have been in and out. Thanks again for continuing to share your story.

I was struck by your comment:


Very good observations. I also think about isolation that it is something that creeps up on victims, before you know it your support system is gone. It is the same but on a larger scale how cult leaders operate, they first get people to get rid of their families and anyone not involved with the cult.


That is a tough one, not sure what you mean? I think if we all had to go back and live life a different way we would change many things but as we progress through life, unfortunately we can't change the past only our future.

I am glad to read that you have a good support system and have gotten out of the isolation. Isolation is the worst thing and can do a lot of crazy making in how we feel about ourselves.

Di