Hi I'm new to this whole thing

About a month ago, when googling why Amanda Knox might be considered guilty, I read that she has Sociopathic traits. I started reading about those traits and it hit me in the head like a ton of bricks that this was the definition of my step daughter. I had never really had too much contact with her until she moved in with us after calling off her wedding. Her behavior has baffled me for some time even before this happened, but after she moved in, I realized that she isn't just a shallow, manipulative, entitled, spoiled, self absorbed, girl, but that there is really something very calculating and pathologically wrong with her.

I discovered her pathological lying, and glib behavior no matter what the circumstance, the blank dolls eyes stare, lack of remorse and complete ingratitude. I realize after about a month of research on the topic that I fed into her perfectly. I would write her long emails, exposing both my and my husband's weaknesses to her in order for her to understand how much My husband has sacrificed for her sake after she would make it very apparent that she wanted more than he could give. My husband paid for her entire out of state college 5 year, education...... everything totaling almost $200,000....going into debt. He even paid for a 4 year old car for her last year, which he gave to her as a graduation gift. Instead of any gratitude for any of it, she was furious that her friends got BMWs and Mercedes for graduation gifts, or so she said, and called her car a piece of crap.

I was mind boggled as to how I would completely miss my mark with her in these emails as she would retort with more of the same. Conversely she projects herself as a larger than life supergirl with grand tales of how she always saves the day for everyone at school and at work etc. Based on her tales, I expected that she would graduate with top honors at her school. Not only did she have no honors, but at a smaller ceremony to honor the students in her graduating field, while so many students made speeches and got award and special mentions, she again got nothing.

After having listened to 5 years of how she excelled above everyone I thought that something was terribly wrong with that picture. We never did see any of her grades. Yet her father, my husband buys into all of her stories, dismisses all of the warning signs, doesn't hear her lies, and gets furious if I say anything negative about her. Her father is a wonderful person. He is a giver, and he gives to everybody. We have a great relationship, but it almost fell apart while she was living here. My mother saved it by telling me to put up with my step daughter's behavior (which I haven't gone into ) for the short time that she is living with us. I did, pretending not to notice her gaslighting and other things that she was obviously doing to provoke me. I was obviously a willing target.

Ok so that is the cliff note version of my story. There is so much more.

My problem is that I love my husband and can obviously not tell him that she is a Psychopath. That would destroy my marriage. I didn't discover what she is until after she moved out. He will probably never discover it because he refuses to see her as she is. Either as a game, or because she has no immediate financial need for her father, she has been conspicuously absent for a few months and that is great, but now his birthday is coming up and I will have to contact her. I am going to have to put on a mask myself for the sake of my marriage, and act like I don't know, and act like I like her, otherwise it may still affect my marriage. This is so convoluted! For the rest of my life I am going to have to play this game. I really want for her to self destruct her mask in front of him, but he has bought into her stories so much that I don't think that will happen.

so
1. any advice on how I can get through times with her without losing it.
2. any advice on how I can get her to expose herself so I don't have to.

thanks,

Hi new, welcome to our community. It sounds like between a rock and a hard place, wish I could say otherwise. The issue with parents is they are highly unlikely to come to terms with a child with this disorder. Over all these years they are the hardest group to communicate. I think even when they consider that their child may be a Psychopath that they either feel like they need to work harder for it not to be true, go into denial or blame themselves even though they are born this way not created.

Why do you have to contact her over her fathers birthday?

I can only speak for myself and what I would consider doing. I definitely would not try to trip her up to expose herself, with time things will just happen as they will happen. It may feel like a great idea but it is hard to go against this kind of person, impossible to think like they do. If she feels challenged keep in mind that her entire deal is about winning.

Does she live in the same area as you? Do you have young children or anyone that might be at risk with her being around?

I would definitely secure things, make sure she doesn't steal any identity for credit scamming.

It is going to take a great deal of acting on your part if you want to save your marriage. I would just try my best to be neutral and keep my game face on so she wouldn't be able to read my emotions. Stay in the present moment.

I hope we can help support you with this very difficult situation.

Di

thank you for responding Diane

I have to contact her because we have family get togethers for birthdays and holidays. It would be obvious for me to leave her out of things. She lives in the same Metropolitan area. My children are out of high school, they first met her before their adolescence and never liked her despite the fact that she is beautiful and acts really superficially nice to everyone. (usually)

The matter of the identity theft is a rough one. My husband and I were out of the country for 10 days while she lived with us. I didn't know what I know now and she had full access to everything. I have checked, and my credit is perfect right now. However I did notice that both of my credit card companies inquired about my credit during our trip and right after. I will keep monitoring it. I will not go into detail, but it seems as though she is very patient and calculated in her planning and manipulations. She waited over five years to destroy her fiance as they dated throughout college. She waited until 2 days after they received some professionally done engagement album full of happy loving pics of the two of them (that she had to have taken just weeks before) before she just left him. She even posted the pics on the internet saying "love love love". Now I see how she is tormenting him through various things she is doing on social media.

In my emailed attempts to help her to understand how much her father cares about her ( before I knew what she was, and just one month before she moved in with us) I told her that when her father and I were first dating, he broke it off with me because he felt that I would get in the way of his relationship with her; and that she and her sibling would always be the most important things in his life. I'm pretty sure that her gaslighting and numerous other things that she was doing while she lived here and afterwards were directed at trying to cause a rift between her father and me.

I will head your advice to try to remain normal. I won't try to trip her up, but I can't help but to read into everything she does.

oh and just an aside, she showed absolutely no emotion whatsoever about her broken engagement. she didn't even try to fake anything. its as though it never happened. she was her normal chirpy glib self.

Hi new, thanks for your reply. There are ways to put a lock on your credit so that no new accounts can be opened, I would do that if I were you. I am not sure exactly how to do it but in general I think and I am not asking what country you are in but here in the US there is some information online: Fraud Alert and Credit Frezes if you haven't done so already.

Aside from the online taunting of the fiance have you had any contact with him to hear his side of the story? How did you husband handle it, did she explain it to him to get sympathy for herself?

I understand the family thing, and I can't say it will be easy but I think you know what I mean. While it seems and sounds like a great idea to challenge her it isn't clear that you would get anything productive for yourself out of any kind of lopsided match.

It sounds like your husband is a kind and caring man, that has its own burden in dealing with this personality type and makes it even more complex because she is his child and may never see what you see.

Does she support herself?

Di

I have 2 step children who have similar traits to what you have described. One is very obvious in his psychopathy. The other is less so but it is obvious to me. My husband loves both of his children. He is aware of one (the obvious one) but not the other. She has a much greater ability to deceive and manipulate. My advice is to NOT pursue a relationship with her but to support your husband's relationship with her. Love him by being passive in your feelings toward her. This will save your marriage. He won't see her psychopathy unless he is ready to see it. If you try to expose her; you will be the enemy. Good luck. I check in periodically so if you need to chat I will be here..

Hi buttercup

I guess I can't check out your post for some reason. but thanks for responding

Hi New, if you click on a persons name you can select to "view their posts" and the list will show up.

Di

Thanks Di

This is a great forum. I can tell that the few people that I have have told this to who don't know much about psychopaths think that I am overreacting to a self-centered girl because she is high functioning and masks herself really well. It was only until I lived with her and noticed her complete lack of emotion regarding a broken engagement after a 5 year relationship that I put everything together with the litany of all of the other baffling stuff. I feel respected and heard on this forum.

Hi New, thanks for your kind words. I think if people were heard and respected for their feelings on this subject we would not have any reason to continue on. I wish people were heard and respected but that doesn't seem to be the case so will carry on.

The lesson is really for all of us to listen to others without judgement and to validate the concerns and fears of others. It is often sadly not the case.

It is good to know you aren't the crazy one in the room but more likely the most alert one, imo.

Di

I was advised on this forum not to tell my husband that his daughter is a pp and I listened. As a matter of fact, the fact that I just keep quiet regarding anything relating to her (unless he brings it up) has helped big time as She has outed herself.
Beware on sudden unusual behavior.
My Step daughter pp sent me a gift for mothers day for the first time in the 6 years I have been married to her dad. She has been an adult, out of college for most of that time. What kind of manipulation could this be now? I know that she doesn’t make a move with out a motive…..knew that before I knew she was a pp. Her dad thinks that she wants something financial, and so now we have a standing bet on what it is, since we both think its something different. Her last financial stint was to love bomb us while she expected for her boyfriend to propose to her right after college graduation…...which must have been infuriating for her because he waited a few years and you could see how she tired of the love bombing as it waned; and then right after she got engaged started in again. (she got revenge on her fiancé by breaking the engagement in the middle of it ) In the past she has had everything handed to her on a SILVER SPOON. Now we are both just tired of her “incessant manipulative and entitled stuff”. I know that My husband loves her, but since she lived with us he finally sees through her manipulations….probably even before that…..but that’s when he started voicing it. He doesn’t have a label for it and doesn't call her a pp ..and I’m not going to tell him. He’s smart though. A few nice deeds doesn't override 26 years of obvious conning and manipulation.

The moral of the story is that when I stopped complaining about the PP, He actually saw it for himself. While I was trying to get him to see it, he wouldn't allow himself to see it and would make excuses for her. thanks for the great advice!