Hi to all the sufferers of PP's. This seems to be a good forum. I find the fledgling psychopath posts are particularly interesting.

I am writing about my partners 19 year old daughter. Here is what she is like. She was born a difficult child I am told. She would scream for hours and sometimes needed to be restrained. She needed little sleep. She would frequently attack her twin sister. At age 14 she drove her sister out of a large shared room (not unusual for teenagers to want their own space but the alternative for her sister was a small room under the stairs.

In the past she once knocked out her father by hitting him on the head with a piece of wood. She has assaulted her mother on several occasions and kicked the handyman.She has pushed me and vandalised my clothes. She has frequently walked unannounced into the bedroom I shared with my partner. She has wide staring eyes. As a child she claimed that voices were coming from the cupboard under the bathroom basin. From age 14 she refused to go to school or travel by bus. She cannot learn to drive because "people are looking" at her. IMO she wont learn to drive because she might loose her mothers taxi service. She had special lessons arranged at school for a couple of days a week and her mother had to drive her to school. She would sometimes shout at her mother and assault her on the way to school causing her mother to tell her to get out and walk. I may be cynical but I see this as an attempt to control her environment and people around her which she is quite successful at doing. I notice she can flip from angry to happy in a split second which leads me to believe its all an act.

She leaves a mess and does little around the house. She has just finished a college course that she attended for a short time before having a "breakdown" which lead her to have a reduced workload and study from home. Which at least meant that her mother did not take her to college. She is currently on a medication that can only be prescribed by a psychiatrist although she got this from her GP doctor. She refuses counseling. She stares, pulls faces, bangs doors, interrupts conversations and talks across other people including me. She has sworn at me. Freezers/fridges are mysteriously turned off, car batteries are discharged (2 on consecutive nights). Items are moved/disappear or are found broken or damaged. She sleeps all day and bangs around at night. She ruins any special occasion eg Xmas, holidays, birthdays etc. by usually causing a fight with another member of the party.

She took an overdose on her mothers birthday. On another of her mothers birthdays they arranged to go out for meal which had to be ended early by her claiming to need to need to return home to do college work and crying in the car on the way home. I see this as a ploy to control the emotions and direction of the group she was with since when she returned home she did no college work and was laughing with her friends on FB etc. Her mother must take her to the doctors, dentist, hair dresser's etc. She repeatedly walked into the room my partner and I shared without knocking. Imo to cause a fight/stress.

A pp will do anything to get their way. I see someone who is spinning others round her fingers and it amazes me how others are willing to go along with her game! I don't think she can cope with life outside the house in the real world where her games don't meet with approval by others. However, I have watched her techniques mature and be refined over several years so I think she will eventually be more able to deal with others outside of the house.

Is this a PP?

Hi Tangent,

Welcome to our community. I am very sorry for your situation. It is good that you are awake to what is going on.

Does your partner or his x agree with your observations? Does she live with you?

What kind of suicide attempt was it; it sounds like it was not too extreme, but one to catch the attention.

Di

Hi Dianne

Thanks for the welcome. No my partner does not agree with my obs. I doubt if her ex does either.
I don't describe her as a PP since I am not qualified to do so. However, I am told that part of the reason for their split was the problem daughter.
I don't think it was a serious suicide bid. 16 paracetamol she said but she had to go to the hospital just in case. I think she is envious of other peoples happiness since she attempts to ruin it for others. My partner believes she is just a troubled child who will eventually grow out of it and that she has improved a lot because she no longer has tantrums. I point out that she has moved on from that stage to more sophisticated ploys that would not work if my partner did not go along unquestioningly with them. She does live with us. Her twin sister does not behave at all like her.

Hi Tangent,

Sounds like you are in a tough situation.

Has she received any treatment or any kind of diagnosis? It would seem that she would have gotten some sort of help?

Di

Hi Dianne. Yes its a toughie but I put myself in this situation so I can get myself out!
No treatment apart from some meds. I don't know what they are. As a child she was taken to the doctor and to some form of child psychologist who told my partner to ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good. I personally would not follow that advice but it seems to be advice that my partner has followed in a big way. After the b'day charade she had to attend the local youth mental health center where she walked out on the second visit and would not go back. Home visits were arranged but she refused to talk to the person who came to see her. So no diagnosis.
My partner and I have been attending couple counseling and the daughter has been discussed.
Recently my partner said her daughter would like me to leave the house. At one point the counselor said "So your daughter is holding you to ransom". My partner replied "Yes".

I find the crossing of personal boundaries like this, where a daughter decides who her mother should be partnered with and who should be within her Mothers house, to be Narcissistic.

Hi Tangent, I am amazed that with all these issues, her behavior gets brushed off as growing pain type of stuff.

I don't know what to say I just know what I would do in this situation. I have to say the number-one issue with relationships that go on with non-family members usually falls back on poor boundaries. It seems like that runs in this family.

Do you get the idea your partner will stick with counseling? Usually when things get too close people tend to bail out.

Di

Hi everyone!

I am new to this group also. I have been doing some research and came across this forum. My stepdaughter's counselor thinks she may have psychopathic tendencies. I am beginning to think the same thing. She has been in counseling for several years (she is now almost 17) for mainly behavior issues and attitudes. She has no problem acting out in school and causing a scene, yelling at adults, etc. But the concerning part is that she never has remorse for any of the behavior.

My husband and I have a blended family, he had a son and a daughter, I had a son, and we had a son and a daughter together. Well, our now 7 year old daughter, my step-daughter hates, with a passion, and always has. I for the life of me cannot understand why. It's one of the problems that she complains to her mother about and she wants to move out. Just for some background on the situation, she fought for 5 years to come live with us because of how terrible she said her mother and stepfather are. We finally get custody, and the minute we do, we are now the terrible ones.

This has been a back and forth pattern for several years. Most recently, we had to deal with a bullying situation a school. She would post things online about how ugly this other student was, threaten to beat the hell out of her, etc. She just got kicked out of summer camp for bullying also, where she was supposed to be a counselor. These children are elementary school ages. She has lost more than one babysitting job because the kids are going home crying and saying how mean she is to them. I just had to call the police on her a few days ago for getting physical with me, and saying things like she wishes she had a gun so she could kill her counselor over and over again, because that would be so much fun.

I think I have worked the hardest with trying to not only be a parent, but a friend to her, because of the lack of effort her bio mom has in raising her. Sure, she is parent when she thinks her daughter is upset, or gets into trouble, but rarely comes to get her. She has picked her up 2 times in over a year. But even then, my step-daughter is calling me to come and get her because her mom won't do anything with her. The lies back and forth, the constant manipulation, the never saying your sorry, the hate she carries, the lack of remorse for any behavior, just has me disturbed. I am now concerned with the hate she has for my daughter. How far will that go? What makes kids hurt others? This is just a taste of what has happened over that past 10 years.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I am losing my mind, my family, and my marriage.

Hi Dianne,
Thanks for the comment and sorry for the delay in responding. You are right about the boundaries IMO. There are no boundaries and I can't see where my partner stops and her daughter begins! IMO my partner is an extension of her narc/psycho daughter.
My partner grew up in a house where her parents fought a lot. She had 2 younger siblings that she was supposed to look after. There was a lot of bullying by her younger brother. Our couples counselor says she played the role of peacemaker then and she is still doing it now. However, she was a child in her parents house then, now she has her own house as a parent yet she refuses to use the power and authority she has to stop any problems before they start. She claims to be an innocent victim in the middle. I don't know if she will stick with counseling, could be a bail! Delusion and denial seems to be the favourite tactic. What would you (or anyone else reading this)do in this situation?

The lack of remorse is a worrying sign. I also see this in my partners daughter. It sounds like your step daughter is repeating the behaviour she had with her mother. ie the way to get attention/get her way is to make trouble. My partner had to call the police several times on her daughter but not recently. The last time she was physical was about a year ago which caused my partner to throw her out for a few days to her father. She was unremorseful and mouthy as she was leaving. She didn't give a damn IMO. She is more sophisticated now and becoming more subtle and successful in her abuse and manipulation. I don't think you can be a parent and friend. My partner is a self confessed people pleaser who seems willing to adopt whatever role is demanded of her from taxi driver to friend. This is a problem because the narc/pp and my partner can change the dynamics so much that the abnormal becomes the new normal. My partner just adapts to it and pretends everything is OK. Denial and delusion rule. For me, I end up living in a house with no rules, roles or boundaries which is very stressful. It does sound like you are living in a stressful situation. Maybe the counselor is correct about about the pp tendencies. What does she suggest?

Hi Tangent,


I think we all have a past; I have only met a few people who had "charmed" childhoods. However, the way I see it is that as adults and away from our home situation, we have a chance to grow and learn. We can grow into professional victims or wake up and see that things aren't really working out that well and seek change.

I can only say what I would do in this type of situation. I wouldn't take a threatening fledgling psychopath or whatever the diagnosis is lightly. I would be concerned not only about my own safety but any other children in the mix. Frankly, if the adults choose to turn a blind eye, I have less patience or concern for them. Don't mean that to sound harsh but really as adults they can make choices that a child stuck in this situation doesn't have the power to do.

I would probably also give it some time to see if your partner follows through with counseling. Typically, from what I understand how it all works from my own experience there is a bailing out period for lots of people when things start hitting too close to home base.

I was raised in a truck load of conflict and chaos, and frankly, I wouldn't change things because I can't and in the end, it gave me strengths that I otherwise might not have had.

It takes a lot of work and the right counselor to work on boundaries, and anyone can do it. The question is if they are willing to make a change.

I would give them the chance to make a change, but frankly, I couldn't see myself living a happy ever after life with a person with weak boundaries and then toss in a potentially dangerous kid.

Di