Hi DI:)

Thank you! Yes you may move it to its own thread. I really need advice and support now. I'm not going to give in or let him back in this time. I got my seperationpapers by mail today. Monday he showed up at the mediatorapt. influenced by drugs and not "smart". I felt my luckplanet must have been on my side. She ( the counceller) toldl him I couldn've left my daughter in his care in such a state.

Today he was back, abusing me over the telephone. He cycles between wooing me and threatening me. I'll seire more when my children are asleep.

Hugs, L

Hi Lilla, be glad to, what would you like to name it? Then I'll move over any related posts.

Di

Hello and thank you for welcoming me to your safe place.

My lighbulb moment came after my friend of four years violated me so badlu sexually that i was all bruised and svollen,got bad bladder infection and had to go on antibiotics,could not stand for two days so i had to lay in bed more or less for a week,couldnt wear underwear because of the pain and was in bigtime mental schock.

When i confronted him Why he did this to me and Why he hurt me so much he answered in phone text msg: You did this to yourself,i almost feel sorry for you....i realized he is a psychopath.

This was in january and now finally i am slowly getting a grip on myself,not contacting him and avoiding any place i could even see his car or HIM,it only gave me so much anxiety that the thought of seeing him almost made me through up.

I am reading Without Concience now and it is helping me see that i am right about him and staying away is the right thing to do at any cost.
I want my sanity and happyness back and i will not stop trying to heal myself until i get there.

Thanks for this site
Tang

Hi Notcrzy, just a note about the photos/video thing -laugh at it if you can, to yourself; give him no response whatever. They are very emotionally childish, extremely so, and this is a tantrum to make you look at him, engage with him - the narcissist. That's all it is. Nobody else would be interested in it. He could be sued if he distributed anything private about you; he must know that. This is just for you. He doesn't want anyone else to know he's a nutter, anyway, and they would if he sent them private imagery of you - he'd give himself away. So relax, shake your head over how pathetic he is, and move on. Don't for one moment imagine he misses you; he just misses being able to control someone. Be assured that he's seeking the next victim at this very moment.

Hi Basil - he's dangerous.
I'm astonished at what you've described. Just imagine your best friend describing a man she was interested in the way you have; read your own text back to yourself as objectively as you can - you would tell her to get the hell out!

These men are dangerous in that they have no conscience, no stop switch, there's no safety net of feelings to get in the way of what they're capable of, that's what I've learned, and all the research is clear about that. I've been doing a lot of study since I joined this site, so I can decide what I should do, too.

He's dangerous because he has no good intent towards you, because he likes the suffering of others, because he thinks you're a fool to feel or care. But those are great advantages to him; you are analyzing him according to the normal person's criteria, and he knows it, which means you'll never suspect the depths of depravity and cruelty he's capable of; nobody suspects. He knows you think he might change. He doesn't even want to, none of them do.

Based on what I've learned, which now explains a lot about my Psychopath, I know although I must leave, I cannot, as my child would never cope with the mandatory visitations and I would never prove they should be prevented. I can take the abuse better than my child can; when he's old enough for us to leave, we will.

My advice to you, however, is to do what I'd love to do: no contact, no chances, new phone number, private line, new email address and friends instructed to give no information to him. Because while you allow him any contact at all, he knows you're still vulnerable to him and he'll keep at you. They HATE being dumped, it infuriates them. He's bound to want to punish you for being less available...
You can do better than this!

Hi Emma, my heart went out to your story immediately because I can see how deep in you are and I know that trap.

My Psychopath is just as obsessed with the money etc. I too was afraid to tackle that one; I can hear your fear of that. But there's a few things you need to know:

1. The law will not allow your children to do without. They will unravel whatever financial hideaways he has created to tuck his money into. And if he does not suspect you're going to leave, there'll be no warnings for him to hide it deeper than he has. They will get it. I know that about my Psychopath.

2. The law will not allow him to hurt you. He's a white collar Psychopath, as mine is; that's an advantage. They are aware of the trouble they can get into, unlike perhaps the lesser educated Psychopaths who are potentially less cautious.

3. Your lawyer will handle everything for you, including contact with him. You will not have to discuss anything with him if you choose not to; you can hang up, forward emails to your lawyer etc. And the money to pay for a good lawyer can be obtained from Psychopaths money, which they WILL get their hands on.

4. Whatever money he needs you can leave with him if you feel you must, but he can afford basic support for your children. Please know that Psychopaths DO NOT feel responsibility financially, or any other way, for their children. I have watched my Psychopath drain everything he could from his children from his former marriage, and then try to get his hands on their inheritance from their grandparents. They are truly capable of anything and justify it to themselves in the most bizarre ways. But the courts will not allow your children hardship; he'll get nowhere with that. You must not allow it out of fear of this Psychopath.

To overcome your fear of him and become a warrior (which is now what you must be), you need to discover your new purpose in life, because you now have one; a VERY important one. It is to protect all of you from hardship and further psychological abuse. You are not the victim anymore; you are a warrior.

Time to fight, Emma. But quietly, discreetly and in the way that a Psychopath would - coldly. That's what I'm now doing. Fire with fire, only it's a very cold fire indeed.
Your first step is to get a solicitor, one reputed to be great with property settlement and family law. Let them advise you to start with. You need to hear what's possible, what it would involve etc. I think that will reassure you all you need, as it did for me.
Then let them fight for you - mine's ready to take it on for me. Trouble for me is that my child is still too young to have to face Psychopath alone. So my current step is to investigate whether that can be avoided. Then onto the next one.

This far and no farther, Em!
Good luck.
Kezza

It doesn't matter what age the children of psychopaths are, they're always too young to have to face the psychopath.

Hi kezza,
Thanks for your reply, it has put me quite a bit at ease. I think you are right about his motives, it is purely a way to reel me back in. He would (rightly) anticipate either concern or anger arising in me for him having taken photos without my knowledge. In the past when i have tried no contact, inciting anger in me has been successful in getting a response and a reconnection. I'm not playing. It is easy to see through him now i know what he is ( especially with you folk bringing me back to reality). I took your advise and had a chuckle. I hope what you say is true and it would create legal problems for him if he shared peronal pictures more widely. This advice puts my mind at ease.

I hope he is looking for another victim to preoccupy himself. I suspect it might take him some time, he will have to do a really good job with his mask!

I read somewhere that changins into a selfish,lazy not cooking good food and not taking a bath can drive them to leave themselfs,and they get so sick of that "changed" person that they dont look back.

Hi Tang, welcome to our community. I have also read that and think there is some merit to it.

Di