My heart goes out to you. Unless the husband is supportive it is a hard, hard life. My husband was supportive and made an attempt to deal with the disfunction but his parents who he dearly loved choose to the heros to the grandchilden and make us the bad guys. My husband was not that strong and didn't deal with them. They are gone, the p is 40, his p Mother is 60 and it is STILL going on. If it were feasable we would move to New Zealand but it is not in the cards. The nightmare continues. If it were not for our other two children who are average, supportive, good people the world would be bleak. Jen

bless your heart!!! i also married my hubby, almost 5 years ago, although, him and his wife had been separated for 9 years, and they had 2 kids,, which my hubby raised on his own.... she came after me in the same way,, and,, her kids are just like her..... they have treated me and my hubby very cruely over the years. outsiders dont seem to understand.. my stepdaughter had already moved out, when we married, but,, i had 4 years with the stepson,, he was 12 at the time, he just turned 18, and has lived with his mom for 1 year... those 4 years where pure hell....loosing my own daughter to murder, she was 16.. i thought,, oh wow, i get to start over, another family, i was so excited, i did everything possible for those kids....all i wanted was a second chance at being a mom,,, i was also a nanny for 14 years,, i just love kids.. i knew these kids had problems,, i hoped to show them love and nurturing.. they responded,, only,, when they got something out of it.. but,, the lies where awful!!! stepson, at one point, tired to burn our house down, and denied it,, he did all sorts of bad things.. denied everything.. he would follow me around the house, when his dad was not there, with that foul smirk on his face.. he tried everything to intimidate me...i finally found out the way to handle him.... i was told to get down to his level.. he used to come up behind me and stick out his tougne and make noises,, i mean to the point of spitting on me.. so,, one day,, i turned around, backed him against the wall, and did the same thing to him,, i mean, to the point of spitting!!! it helped for a while,, but they always come back with something else.. i had to watch our cats and dog very closely,, could not ever leave stepson in this house alone.. at one point, when he was only 12, he was stealing my panties,, and denied it,, i mean,, how did they get in his closet and in the back of his drawers, or under his mattress??? oh, so many things,, we even had him in a special school for 1 year.... nothing helped.. he almost destroyed our marriage....long story!!!! but,, his mom conned him into coming to live with her when he was 16,, oh boy,, did he act up untill he got his own way,, she wanted the child support, and we told him this,,,she still gets it!!!!! all the promises she made him have turned to mud.. she is also a huge lier..... manipulator,con lady,, she has tought her kids well.... my husband is the most loving person you could ever meet.. we also have 2 grandkids, from his daughter, that we never see.. very sad situation.... i wish i had the answers for you!!!! p's will be p's, will be p's.. bottom line!!!!! they lie,cheat,con,rob,kill,hate, whatever it takes for them to keep thier control.... CONTROL,,,, thats what they want.......

Hi Jacque and welcome. I'm new here, too. In answer to your question, "How do you deal with the lies?" I don't know if there's much you can do except ignore them because confronting them with lies will only enrage them and they'll just lie more or tell you that you're too stupid to understand or you have things all confused. They like to do that. I was so trusting that it took me MANY years to realize that N daughter did nothing but lie. After we no longer had contact, people told us that she lied about us since she was little. I agree with everyone and I hope that your hubby is offering you support in this. And yes, Ps will use their children against you or do anything to hurt you. It's nothing that you or your hubby have done to deserve this kind of treatment, it's just the nature of the P. When his ex discovered that you were expecting, she was no longer THE person in his life. This had to infuriate her and she'll do anything to make your lives miserable. This is the second post I've read today where the child has a P parent and exhibits P traits, also. I think they have to have to be 18 until they're officially diagnosed as a P, but they can have the same behavior at age 15. You're such a warm and kind person to want your family to be one and it's too bad you have to go through this.

To Jaque and Jaimme,

Welcome JAque, I am new here also. My only regret about this site is that I DIDNT KNOW about it years ago.

Jaque I not the most informed member on this site on this site but,(AND DOESNT HAVE A VERY GOOD KEYBOARD AND MOUSE TO WORK WITH SO EXCUSE THE MISTAKES), BUT i know only too well what it is like to want to have your family together happy, and functional. I also understand the loss, AND feeling of helplessness when you cannot do anymore. At least you were able to figure out that what they were saying were lies. Myself Im a pretty guillable individual. As a child I Witnessed by brother inlaw raping his 3 year old son. No one beleived me and the outcome was I grew up believing everything that comes out of everyones mouth. A perfect target for a P. This site is having a profound effect on me in that probably for the first time I am finally starting to get IT. Jaimees advise not to confront the Ps lies is a good point too. Its important that they believe everyone is playing there game, as the truth could trigger the P to resort to other more destructive behaviours.

Heres a funny example of a young girl in therapy as her mother was a P. The therapist said to the girl " its really amazing for someone your age to know when an adult is lying too you. How do you know when your mother is lying?" The girl took a deep breath and replied "well thats easy, Every time she moves her lips".

Take care Rosie

Rosie, I'm glad that you feel you're getting a better understanding of the Ps. There are still a lot of things that confuse me. I really hope that things work out for you because it is so heartbreaking to be the parent of an N or P, especially while they are still living at home with you. Hopefully they'll be able to give the diagnosis and you'll know where you stand.

hi Jacque, I am new at this and in many ways just like you, I am in a similar situation as your husband. Although I have yet to get involved with anyone new due to the fact of what you are going through at this time. My Ex is out of control, I fear whoever I decide to get involved with in the future will be faced with your exact problems. My child is young so I'm not sure how my child will end up. As for my child, I figure it will be my job to teach my child as my child ages how rewarding it is to treat people good, how to love and be caring for others feelings, how it can feel good to help others who are in need of help. And how to respect help from others knowing they are helping from the kindness of there heart. If I suspect my child might be a P, I would work very hard to teach him right from wrong by leading by example and explaining why it is so important to be truthful. (being truthful and honest is rewarding because it builds charactor and integrity of who you are within a comunity and our world. Lies are nothing but trouble and as you lie, the people who you become close with will end up disliking you due to fake and not being able to trust you)

I've always wanted to get involved with charity and volunteer work and I'm really considering pursuing this idea in the near future. It will also help me keep my mind off of the bad things that are going on at this time within my life.

I'm no expert, but what little advice I would consider recommending to you is, ignore your husbands ex, do not let her get to you. Walk away when she has an outburst. Only talk civil when she is civil. Her goal is to upset you and split the two of you up. Do not tolerate her behavior and let her know you will walk away if she can't behave appropriatly. As for your step daughter, I think it might be best for your husband to sit down and have a talk with his duaghter in a positive way. He needs to let his daughter know she is loved by him and the rest of your family and everyone cares about her. Surround her with love and hopefully it will be contagious

I'm new here, too. I'm facing a real piece of work. My brother made the really bad decision to marry a P who lies to everyone - makes up ridiculous stories - but then tells them so often she convinces people they are true. She has concocted stories of domestic violence - had my brother arrested once, tried to a second time and the police stated her wounds appeared "self-inflicted". They refused to arrest him and that really got her mad. She immediately turned around and filed charges at child protective services against my brother and mother - alleging they BOTH beat her child and her. That agency investigated and found nothing. After that, she alleged my brother was a child molester. That was eventually thrown out. Now she is after me. I guess it's my turn. She is trying to have me arrested for an alleged assault. I know she is insane, the cops know, the court knows, but they all have to "follow procedure." There is no stopping her! This has been going on for 8 years - intensely for 2. My brother divorced her, but it will never end because they have kids. How do you respond to a kid who asks you why you did something to mom that never even happened without causing the young child to get mad at you? I don't know what to do!!! Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement? She is absolutely crazy, but has somehow skated through all of her insane accusations up to now. I am praying that this will come to an end, but realistically know that this will never end.

Hi emb910,

Welcome to the board. I guess we are all involuntary members of this "P target" club but the good thing is we can lean on each other for support. It's really too bad you and your brother have had to deal with this.

False charges are VERY common among Ps. They are adept at using the system to harass others, whether it's lawyers, or the police etc. I noticed that you said she lies so often that people start to believe her. I know exactly what you're saying, I've sometimes had the same concern about a couple of psychopathic personalities I know. The good news though is that sometimes the repeated and increasingly bizarre lying backfires and people start to see them for the cold-blooded, pathological liars that they are. The repetition doesn't always work in their favour.

I'm curious about a couple of things. You mentioned that the cops and the court know she's a nutjob. Can they not investigate and charge her with "false investigation/charges" or whatever similar terms are used in different places. That's supposed to be part of "following procedure". Have you been able to consult a lawyer about your rights?

Also, I was wondering how old are their kids?

Hang in there - at times these situations can feel like you're caught in some vortex but it's important to try and maintain your faith.

Take care,

Sylvie

Hi Sylvie,

Thanks for the reply and words of encouragement. Since I made that post, I actually had to hire a couple of lawyers to fight the bogus criminal charges she filed against me. I have also spoken with the DA's office and am hopeful that they will assist me with filing charges for filing false police reports, etc. The kids are 3 and 6 and she does a wonderful job of making them believe horrible things about my brother and me. Since she has them the majority of the time, she has plenty of time to implant things in their minds.

This is just a nightmare, but it is oddly comforting to know that others out there are going through the same thing.

Thanks again!

Welcome emb910.

How do you deal with all the lies? Good question. It makes you question your own sanity, doesn't it? At one point in time, I thought I was doing things in my sleep! That is how good a P is at lying. What has helped me tremendously is documenting everything, saving all emails, text messages and recording conversations. The P will eventually contradict themselves. My P also filed false police reports, but thankfully the police didn't buy it. They also didn't follow up on it to file charges on the P for filing false police reports. I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Everytime I filed a police report against my P, the P retaliated with something so far fetched and bizarre, that it wasn't long before law enforcement had an idea that they were dealing with a crazy person.

Stay strong and hang in there. I know how stressful and draining dealing with these P's can be. Remember, everything your P reports to police, has to be proved. Usually a P has no evidence or anything to prove what comes out of their mouths. It took me a while to realize that I didn't have to prove my innocence, the P had to prove my guilt and couldn't. They are sad, pathetic people who live an even sadder existence.

Keep posting. This forum has done tremendous things for me! Keep us updated on your situation...we are all here for you.

neverthesame