Nan,

That's terrible about losing your father in that way and especially at such a vulnerable age. I know many people consider suicide a selfish act but as has been said here, we just never know how much pain any individual is really experiencing and I've always thought it must be their way of ending their suffering and reaching some measure of peace. I imagine the personal recriminations that the people left behind go through exacerbate the anguish.

Really sorry to hear that.

Sylvie

Sylvie,

You found this inspirational quote:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
Buddha

I will write that up and put it on my refrigderator.

The quote can apply to other things, not just anger.

Nice.

Nan

hello Everyone,
A quick short visit for me. (I let my daughter have the computer when she is home) I am so sorry for you Mati and everyone who shared. Suicide is freely peppered throughout my family too-- both sides.. again 2 dysfunctional people (my parents) connect can relate produce messed up children. New to the board, Mati is "n" narcissistic? pardon sp--lazy this morning.

How about fear? Another version of anger I have been taught. That one is getting me again the past couple days.
Mati, schizophrenics live in such a horrible lonely scary world...as you know. I have usually felt most sorry for them of all mentally ill-- it is a devastating and terrifying disease. It is rumored my one cousin who committed suicide was schizophrenic as well. Your son knows now how you feel and what was true.
This with my sister I think is the final straw for my "family" my parents and myself. I cannot say anything to them without them going off on me--even innocent remarks totally unrelated to her destruction. They have always been so "not there" that is does not even make that much of a difference in the final analysis.
having a hard time to day
will talk to you all again
Outsider

Hi Everyone,
I am back to my own private diary here with the wonderful added bonus that understanding people read it and post a loving supportive message here and there and w/ the knowledge from Di that others w/ family members like mine actually read this board even more than we know.
"Holding on to anger is like holding onto a hot coal..." Budda
Yes
Funny, I was just sitting gazing out of the window thinking about how my sister has left my life a pile of smoldering ash. A barren wasteland except for this beautiful child I have but whose security for me ("my emergency back-up, my person who I knew would catch us if we fell, feed us before we starved,) was my brother-in-law. My sister and he were our only family and then my 2 parents in Florida. My brother-in-law and I kept firm boundaries in our friendship b/c my sister is so jealous and suspicious so we never talked half what we wanted to, but I always knew he was there for us.
Even more ironic now is that my parents are totally supportive of my sister and totally abusive of me.
My daughter sees and hears it: she is repulsed by it: says she would run away if she had parents like that.
I wake up and feel like the last soul on the planet. At last I have learned there is no point in trying to work things out with my parents or reason with them, pardon the simplicity of this but they are crazy.
I recieved an application for my daughter to attend a beautiful school out of state a thousand miles away and should just take my chances--there are lots of scholarships and excuse my personal religious affiliations but she's been a child of Mary and this school is dedicated to the Virgin and I have a strong hunch things would truly work in her favor. It's been her path and she is a gift thus far.
A new start, far far away. Leave this all behind. A bad dream...this place, these triggers that remind me, this "family," these memories.
Starting some therapy Tues. One day at a time. Everyday is a challenge. Got some good sleep last night and so am less crazy myself today.
thanks everyone. BTW Dreamt my parents were normal and kind last night.

Sorry Sue

Missed this post somehow. Yes n means narcissism. Yes I have much compassion for schizophrenics too and the torture of their minds. I can barely imagine thinking that someone is trying to control my mind but feeling helpless to do anything to stop it.

On fear I think that the thing to fear is fear itself.

Mati

Sue

Pleased to hear that you got some sleep last night. It is so important where there is trauma. Good idea to get therapy.

Would it be next fall when your daughter would start the new school? Do you know anyone in the area?

take care

(((Sue)))

Mati

mati,
You know w/ the schizophrenics it really is torture. I have been hospitalized w/ depression--the older I get--the more I understand why-- my mother is the root-- anyway-- you get mixed in w/ all kinds. There are, as you know, higher and lower functioning schizophrenics and differing severities of it. I will never forget "Frank." Frank was in for trying to drive his car into a tractor trailor. He lost his job and his marriage to his disease. He was as sane as you and I, very bright and insightful but the typical auditory hallucinations which drove him mad and all they ever said over and over again was "Frank" "Frank, hey Frank" Call me crazy Mati, but in someways I have a very open mind and if that does not sound like a demon to me ( as 99% of the readers on the board roll their eyes at me ;[ ) Who knows. He's made the mistake of drinking beer w/ the guys---he just wanted to be normal again like the old days. I'll never forget him. Then again, I played a game of checkers with another one and won and he went into a tirade about the sneaky Germans (it was really very hard not to laugh out loud--I can be terrible like that) and that it was a sneak attack I had planned out from the start and that we damned Germans were never to be trusted and he stomped out of the room.
About the school, very scarey, know no one, 2 hours from my parents so they can see her from time to time-- any closer is no good they are too toxic and not helpful in my life with her anyway-- and where we want to go-- Clearwater Florida--they begin school in Aug. mati, I have been praying for a guide, a mentor, a helper, someone. I received the packet. The principal is an old nun and I have a strong feeling about her-- I really and truly do. What my daughter and I are going through now is not much unlike my pregnancy with her and the church took our hand and took care of us then for the first year and a half.

Hi Sue,

"BTW Dreamt my parents were normal and kind last night."

How nice! There is general concensus among "dreamers" that every person in our dreams is a part or aspect of ourselves.

Sweet Dreams,

Nan

Hi nan,
Uh oh,
Last night I dreamt it was the future: my sister was out of jail. We were out somewhere and in line at a funtion some place and out of habit I kept looking for her husband and he wasn't there and I started screaming at my sister "I hate you I hate you. You're a monster. How could you do this. I hate you."
Am at the stage where I am dreaming about it now.
Sue

HI ME!!! Hi Everyone,
Either everyone was out for a day or the board was down for clean up or renovation or something--looked that way from my corner of the world. The clinic turned me down b/c of my medical insurance. I am waiting for a call back from another place. It is dark and cold today-- I get the feeling many of you are from the UK, beautiful place but don't know how you deal with the weather. I aam going to use the real names of my sister and brother in law. I am not going out on a limb to protect her from my personal feelings: this is not a James Bond moive: I doubt you will all hire detectives to track this down and tell the District attorney and if you did it wouldn't amount to much anyway. Her name is Nancy, his name was Paul. As I look back on all my visits at the jail to her which stopped 3 or 4 weeks ago, they amount, in my mind, to a pile of sh*+. something is very unconvincing, something is very wrong, something is ugly, incohesive, incoherent, wrong, disconbobulated. More and more I think about being a witness for the DA. That would hurt my father ( my mother deserves it) Fortunately, I told the defense I was going to have myself medically recused from the trial--they won't touch me with a ten foot pole b/c I let my feelings be known-- but I HAVE NOT tried to get myself recused and I will not.
I believe I will let the chips fall where they may.
God bless Paul's soul today and if there is any hope for my sister's--shed light upon it quickly.
thank you all