Hi Gleamlight

I don't understand how he could be given bail - it is so incredibly unfair on your mother, you and your family, to have him so close. But you are right about not wanting to get caught and so playing the good boy. But they are clever at being sneaky so be on your guard too.

Prison might not seem that bad to him either - as long as he continues to get attention and there are other victims in there for him to play mind games with.

But I do BELIEVE that Ps are born not created. A bad childhood can happen to anyone (including my parents, some friends etc) and they are a million miles from being psychopathic. Yet my ex was brought up in a reasonable environment with his father and grandmother and brother with no reason to become a P. I am sure that a really abusive childhood will influence a person's character but not create a P.

You have had such a horrendous life - and it won't get easier as the trial gets near, so please keep strong and get any help you can from us.

God bless

Recovery

Hi Recovery -

I'm glad you could understand my internal battle with the "what ifs" and trying to crawl into my father's brain. There is also comfort in knowing that I'm not off track with my thinking.

Initially, after the attempt on my mom's life . . . I scrambled for anything I could find to somehow explain this to me. It was as if I was screaming inside . . . HOW, HOW, HOW . . . How did this happen? But yet the eerie thing was that my brother and I were somewhat not entirely surprised. My father's inital reaction, his lack of any feelings whatsoever, his delay in even asking "how is my wife", and on and on. He is completely awful at covering up his evil.

My poor mother, as she began to awaken for longer and longer periods in the hospital. She was slowly recalling each event of that day. So perfectly, in sequence, of how it happened, and then her eyes would meet mine . . . she would say "why did he do this to me"? My brother and I couldn't answer this question.

I kept thinking, if I was to carry out such a horrific crime, I would surely take my own life. I couldn't live with what I had done. So this was my thinking at the time. "Dad, do right by the family . . . don't make us suffer any longer". How disturbing that I wished he'd take his own life!?

But as the information poured into my hands. I read and read anything I could get my hands on. My thinking changed. He won't and/or can't process thoughts in that matter. And, Recovery, you are right . . . I think he'll do just fine in prison, able to carry out deceit and regain his feeling of power in prison.

Then the other spectrum, that the other side of me loves my father. So to picture your father in prison, oh god! I know that crimes against women and children do not set well with other inmates. So what I'll desperately need is some sort of detachment from it all. If he remains free, he's toxic and he can kill. If he's in prison, his life can be taken from him . . . or he's beaten, etc.

To look at my family, boy we put on a good show. We live in nice homes, take great pride in our decorating, clothing, etc. Many people have remarked at "what a great family". They've been envious in many circumstances.

You just never know what goes on behind the walls of a person's home. We drive down the streets and see these beautiful homes and beautiful people, with dreams that there is enchantment in their lives. No, you just never know. We were so good at hiding our secrets. We smiled and told stories to others of our wonderful lives . . . because we honestly believed it. We covered for my father and protected him with our love. In return, he removed the protection with his con and hatred.

Thanks again,
Gleamlight

Hi Gleamlight

Nice to hear from you, and I am glad you are thinking yourself free and so you wil cope. When you think of your father in prison you think of him as the victim - poor man might get treated badly! But I am sure that will NOT be the case. The real victims in prison are the people who really did just make a mistake, or got into a bad crowd - I mean the 'normal' criminal. A P will be well able to con and manipulate his way thru the system.

My ex - after I had tried to break away - broke down and in tears told me how he would not handle being alone. He showed me the scars he had inflicted on himself in prison. He had me in tears thinking he was the victim, had made one mistake and was sent to prison where he was badly treated. But then when his mask finally slipped I realised that he played the system in prison and would do whatever he had to to lookafter himself. Remember its no conscience and no emotions. Maybe this explains why they keep repeating crimes/getting caught, as prison is just another place to play their games, they don't have anyone to miss so I assume they just adapt to fit any environment. I m tired and rambling, I mean don't waste sympathy on him - he doesn't need it and would only abuse it, keep it for you and your family who will suffer the consequences of his actions.

One more similarity - after I found out what my ex was and how he would never change and how my daughter will always be a potential target I also wished he would commit suicide. But I know he will never do it.


Catch you later

Recovery

Hi Recovery -

I've read your responses, along with others to my Mom. It just gives us a sense of comfort to know we are not alone in these thoughts that run rampant through us. My Mom feels so wonderful after her sessions with the Domestic Violence center. I am so thankful that they are sending her home, once a week, with so much education to allow her to pick herself up and move on. They'll give her enormous strength to plunge on with life. Thank god we have these resources.

I know that through any tragedy, it is normal to go through the phases of the grieving process. Over the last week, my latest phase has grown stronger and stronger into the anger phase. I'm so disgusted with the fact that I knew of my father's evil for the majority of my life. It is as if a piece of me is screaming "see, I told you so" deep down inside.

We kept tucking this stuff away. My father's actions could be VERY disturbing, yet we kept telling ourselves that we are basically nuts for acknowledging the "wrong-ness" of it all. Like I said before, even the slightest hint out of my mouth, that I felt my father was wrong, and it would get shot down. So saying anything negative would get me no where fast. So you learn to tuck it and do it quickly.

I'm angry that a child had to learn to disguise any emotion whatsoever. How dare he do such a thing? I'm angry with whomever or whatever . . . because it just isn't fair! Even if I was a difficult child (which I was not) . . . I didn't deserve to be molested. Even if my mother was terrible wife, she didn't deserve to be beaten near death.

I'm writing about my anger, yet I haven't screamed it out loud or punched a punching bag. So in a sense, I feel like it is still bottled up. I need an outlet, in a healthy manner, of course. What have some of you done to let it out? I'm curious and need some ideas?

Thanks again!
Gleamlight

Hi Gleamlight

I am so glad your Mum is doing so well, in fact all of you. I have jsut scnned your post and will read it later. But just had to say that I know what you mean about anger. I still have so much inside too - because I never got any one to take action or see what was gojng on or do anything about it etc. I am a lot calmer now - as I try to move on, but it is still inside and I too would like hints on how to let it out or to let go. I hope others can help.

Nice to hear from you.

Recovery

Hi Gleamlight and Recovery,

I don't know that I have any sage advice on how to deal with anger, though I can assure you that I have felt it and that I understand it.

Though my father was NOTHING like your father, he was angry and aggressive and took it out on my mother and me. I am the oldest and he never touched my siblings. For many years, I blamed my father for having left me feeling so insecure and so unloved. In my middle twenties, I realised that blame would not get me what I wanted and I consciously stopped the blame-game that had left feeling like a victim. Still, I was angry!

In my late forties, I had therapy. Sometimes you have to hear the same thing over and over until one day, someone says it at just the right time and suddenly you can HEAR it, loud and clear. It goes right in.

The therapist said: 'If your father could have loved you better, he would have.' I never saw it as an excuse, I simply understood it to mean that he must have wanted to love me. He must have known that I had the right to be loved. He either did not know how, or he knew how but could not do it. He must have suffered, for he killed himself when I was just nine years old.

I did not deserve to suffer just because my father did. And neither, Gleamlight do you. Forgiveness had nothing to do with him, it had everything to do with me. Not even the gods can change the past.

With the P, I have had times when I was so angry at him that I would gladly and without regard for the consequences have poisoned his food had he been around. I would lie awake at night, consumed with anger, devising ways to get back at him. A part of me felt very guilty for feeling such anger and for having such thoughts - I mean, entertaining notions of how to kill another human being is fraught with guilt since there is a strong tabu against killing.

Then very late one night, while tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep, I decided to take the anger, the hatred and the violent thoughts and think them through to the end. I allowed my mind and my heart to fully experience the feelings without guilt. It helped me!

I was safe in bed. I was far away from the P and, like as not, my thoughts would not kill him.

I think anger can be helpful. I think that anger, properly directed at the source, is helpful in that it destresses the body. Strong feelings release different chemicals into the body and when we cannot get rid of these chemicals, we become stressed - tired and unable to cope.

Some people manage anger by shouting it out at the top of their lungs while driving on the freeway. There is so much noise from the six lane traffic that no one will hear it. The idea is NOT to do it during rushhour when you have to pay very close attention, but on a quiet stretch when there is little traffic.

Other people find the punching bag idea a good way. Punching a pillow also works fine. I like going for long walks. I walk very fast. I walk till I am drenched with sweat and till my legs are wobbly. I am aware that what I want is to let go of the stress my body is feeling. I push my body. Hard, physical activity is helpful. It can be anything, but I have found that activities that involve other people don't have the same effect.

Quiet activities like meditation can also help. I think it depends on the individual.

I can still feel anger at the P, but it is nowhere as strong, as stressful or as all-consuming.

Warm regards,

Nan

Hello again -

It is interesting that our experiences with our P's have made it difficult for all of us to express our anger. Believe it or not, that has made me feel better that I'm not the only one. Yes, I guess I'll have to force it out with the punching bag or the swift brisk walk, etc.

I have never in my life had this difficulty before. It is as if my father suppressed something within me. That even with his absence from my life today, he still holds this. It is again, that ever present guilt that just lingers with me, like my shadow. If I fully shout out how he's angered me, then something will happen? I don't know. I guess I'm just psycho-analyzing myself.

My brother is a very religious man and is very active in his church. He asked how the family felt about bringing his church group to my parent's home to bless the house. At this point, I figured, why not? It cannot make anything any worse.

So today, my mother took the group through each room and spoke of the horrific events that took place that day. On each significant spot, the group stopped and spoke some very powerful words. Lots of crying and holding each other took place. If anything, it allowed us to create a memory of closeness, wishes of happiness for each of us, and that we will see a tomorrow which does not hold so much pain.

My Mom, brother, and I cried so hard. Tears and more tears. They are VERY healing. But whether the church group has the true power to bless a house, is of course up for negotiation. However, it was such a nice gesture and allowed us to stand on those spots of the house and possibly scare away the negative thoughts. I'm hopeful that our little ritual today has some lasting "warm and fuzzies" for all of us.

In the rollercoaster of emotions, during the grieving process, I think that the anger phase is dwindling a bit. However, I'm sure it will come back. I've been very tired lately and have been doing so much thinking. This just wears at a person. My Mom is experiencing the same thing.

The holidays are approaching and they will certainly be VERY hard for us. We have already discussed how we can make these days go as carefree and as easy as possible. We talked about just picking a name this year for gifts . . . versus buying something for everyone. We are spending the holidays in my daughter's home and changing the usual traditions a bit. So all of these things should help.

I'm so tired tonight and have quite a bit of emails to read. It is so wonderful to have so many people reaching out to say that they are there for us whenever we need them.

Thanks again to all of you for giving me a little piece of you and your thoughts. To know we are not alone in this finds us such an enormous amount of peace at times.

Gleamlight

Hi Gleamlight

I am so glad you are still sounding so positive. I am sure the power of prayer of the Church Goup will help too. It can only get better (maybe we should share a punchbag).

Best of luck
Recovery