Thanks to all of you who wrote back to me. It is helpful to know I am not alone in this, although I would not wish this on anyone. It is bad enough, I am sure, to fall in love with a p, but to be biologically and instinctually predisposed to protect and care for one is ,well, I can't even find words to describe it. I don't mean to say my situation is worse than someone elses. Pain is pain. It is just that when Mark was conceived I was so grateful to God. I remember how incredibly cute he was. He loved to be close to me. He loved to be read to. He was so smart. I guess this was such a good time for us because we both agreed that he was the center of of everything. But I noticed as he got older that some things were strange. He never liked to share his toys . He was often outright mean to his friends. Sometimes I would even tell his friends that if someone treated me the way Mark treated them I would not play with him. But Mark had a way of keeping them hanging on. I tried to teach him values and kindness. I really believe our home was a good one and that I was not too indulgent or strict. Mark seemed to be born with his own agenda and it was not a pleasant one for anyone.

I have been reading alot about Ps. They say that just as there are all degrees of mental illness with depression, shizophenia, bi-polar and others, that psychopaths also come in varring degrees. Not all turn into serial killers and some can just be considered just very self centered. Unpleasent to be involved with on any deep level, but still able to lead some kind of life. It doen't seem to me to be much different than having a child with any other kind of disablity. Nobody judges a child who is retarded and blames them for being different. I guess the reason so many people seem to hate ps is because they get taken in and hurt very badly by them. I am in the position of trying to come to some kind of peace within myself about my son who also happens to be a p. I do not believe this was, or is, a choice he makes for himself. I feel he is as much a victem of his disease as anyone. He may not know he has a mental illness, but that doesn't mean it is not true. I feel sorry for him, AND, I know that I can't ever trust him or even be in much of a relationship with him. I know that he can hurt me without feeling any remorse or guilt. I know that he can do that to any unsuspecting person he may come across. I know I will always have to keep him at arms lenght and that I will need to warn others about him. Just recently I told another mother that she should not allow he son to be around Mark because it could be dangerous for him. It broke my heart to say that and know it was true. I am welling up with tears as I remenber doing this. But never-the-less I choose to feel my pain for loving my son. God gave him to me. Maybe just so I could learn to forgive the unforgivable.
There are many things about life on this Earth of ours that seem cruel. We Americans struggle with our weight while children in the world are dying in their parents arms of stavation. Yet so few of us choose to do anything to help. Does that not seem a bit like the behavior of a psychopath? Do we justify our lack of action with some faulty reasoning or do we just choose not to think about it? Maybe the Ps are not really so alien to us. Sure,I would never steal money from an elderly woman on a fixed income, but would I give her a few of my precious dollars each month to help her out. Compassion is a value that none of us has perfected.
Maybe I will be able to to find something of value in the sorrow of my sons empty life. It won't come from pride in his achievements, or the joy of his companionship, I realize. But if it serves to help me become more aware of who I am, then perhaps it will have been a gift that no other child of mine could have given me.
Seasons blessing to all of us, Cheryl

Hi Cheryl, my heart really goes out to you. I know that pain is pain but to face the reality of your son must be extremely devastating.

Psychopaths are not mentally ill. I admire your courage in trying to warn others. I suspect that when you son begins to date women it may prove to be more difficult. The charm etc. of a Psychopath can be so alluring that trying to warn someone in the "honeymoon" stage can be a tricky proposition.

You are very right not all Psychopaths are serial killers, however that makes the situation harder to explain or understand for most of us. They "appear" to be "normal" in many regards and the charm they exude can be very misleading. The tone of your post sounds like you are beginning to take some very healthy choices in how you will handle your son in the future.

Please keep in mind that there was nothing you did that created this situation. I am a strong believer in the nature vs. nurture debate when it comes to Psychopaths. I personally think that if the nurture is bad the Psychopath ends up being what the public views as the "Bundy" type and not like the person next door who appears to be normal.

I personally guess that Scott Peterson is a Psychopath and from what I can see from following the entire case that his family was not only in denial but assisted in his lifestyle. From all accounts it appears his parents were even able to lie on the stand about the money (when he was arrested) etc.

It must be a horrible issue to face. I am glad you have found the forum and hope you can find some answers. Strong boundaries will probably be your best tool.

Have you had a chance to read Dr.Hare's book "Without Conscience"? I find great deals on books online by going to www.google.com and type in "Without Conscience" using the " and you should find a few sites that sell the books and give you the comparison prices.

Best Regards,

Di

Hi Diane, Thanks for responding to me. I must admit that when Mark is in juvenile jail, as he is now, I rest much easier. I feel like I am able to enjoy the time I spend with him. For me it is about being able to sit and play cards or just talk about normal things that is such a gift. We are never able to be like this when he is free. Then he becomes a moody, insatiable, dangerous, dishonest, drug using nightmare. I could go on with the adjectives but I am sure you know them already. So I go visit and enjoy the closest to normal time I may ever have with him.
I wonder why you say that he is not mentally ill? I have been reading that some doctors think it is not much different from schizophenia except it is more difficult for people to recognize. I know one thing for certain. It is a disorder of the brain's function. He simply does not react the way most of us do. He did not choose this any more that I did. I believe he is also a victim in this too. I know that may really upset some people who have been torn apart by a P. Trust me I know that pain, only for me it was my son himself who slowly made me wish that he had never been born. I didn't have the luxury of hating the perpetrator or even blaming the parents. That might have been more comforting.
I began to feel like I was God's victim, not Mark's. Why would God give me a beautiful little baby only to have me slowly come to understand that this child was capable of doing unthinkably cruel things to anyone who might cross his path? Well I'll tell you what I came up with as an answer to that question. It was to teach me not to judge others. I don't mean not to see them clearly , I mean to not see them as good or bad. I believe that God loves Mark as much as he loves Mother Theresa. I believe that is why God gave me a son who is a P, so I could forgive the unforgivable. I am actually grateful because I don't think that is a lesson I could have learned any other way. Sure, I am desperately sad sometimes and other days I get so angry at the little rat I't like to shoot him myself. But these times when I can accept that we all have a role to play on this planet and not everyone gets to be a hero are the times when I find the most peace.
There are no cures for Ps. Yet. I have some hope about the research being done by Dr. Danial Amen in California, but to tell you the truth I don't think it will change in my lifetime.
Our planet is full of judgement and hate and anger, it can't hurt for me to believe that maybe there is a better way to deal with pain.

Hi Cheryl, Psychopathy is not considered a mental illness. I am just now working on getting some new information for you. I have added a link to the resource "thread" above this one. This is a detailed explanation:

Psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder: A Case of Diagnostic Confusion

Some information about meth Meth information and forum

Your Brain on Meth