Oh, I forgot to say. That feeling I was trying to find the answer for? Well, I found it. It was the feeling that maybe things aren't quite as bad anymore. The psychologist told me I no longer have PTSD and I knew a lot of the behaviours had reduced but on a level I knew I still felt the same. The war's over. she kept saying, but inside a baseline hadn't changed. Dare I believe that maybe it is? Just a flicker. I better not say anymore....
S

my dear friend,

Indeed it's a journey!! And it's not an easy one.
This is a process and processes equals time... But I can promise that the time it will take to heal from all this will never ever take as long as it took to demage us!

Ofcourse , you are so right... why, how trust??? what is it? how does it feel. what to do with it???
Big, big questions. And to trust yourself... it's a long way ahead of us in the time we are just starting to cope.

You are such a intellengent woman!
You make the link automatically with the thing called trust and the emotional feelings there are...
I think you will remeber what I told before about the situation that my family went out for the day, I cleaned the whole house and get beaten the hell out of me? I was crying in the kitchen and when my mother saw this she hit me right in the face?
Thinking back I guess this was the moment I just stopped feeling. Fysically and emotionally.' This was the marking of the end of who I was. I didn't feel I existed anymore. I only vegetate. I was around 9-11 years old at the time I think.( my memories of dates and so on are not very clear so I have to guess, going with the pictures in my head.)
When I got in my twenties, and started to get flash backs I knew I had to deal with it... step by step I did, with some help from others but looking back that was just a little bit. The war inside me was private ( as I am sure you will recognize deeply)I couldn't put in to words what happend nor could I discribe my feelings because I didn't feel a thing. My stephfather put a knife in my arm and I just didn't feel it. I went to the docters alright, got my sutures and went again...No pain, nothing. Also emotionally... no anger, pain, nothing at all..
it took me years of my life to learn to feel.. People ask..; 'are you happy?'... and I answered yess, but was thinking; 'what do they mean....happy?' No matter who beated me...I didn't get angry... What i did was feeling sorry for them; He must have a hard time doing this, I have to help him... Or; pff he had a hard day, nothing wrong....tomorrow he will be nicer again... And just went on with existing. Sometimes I didn't think anything at all about it..It just was what was happening..finish. I was nothing a nobody so why not beat me???

At one time in my life I learned a bit about feeling. this was when I got my son and somebody want to hurt him.. This moved something inside me, I think this was anger indeed....I am still not sure!!

I had to learn to feel again.
I know now, And I won't make it any nicer then it is, this 'fight'to learn how to feel is one of the biggest in my life.
And it was surtenly the most scary one.
In those days I had a big fear ( there we go with the language thing again!!) for being outside. Scared of going into shops, streets, buildings, scared of men.. If I walked on a sideway and there was a man approaching in the distance and the other site of the road was empty, I grossed the street! Scared of women.... They would make me ashamed I was sure!!! Children because they could start calling me names.... I was scared and very very shy!
Being in a shop ment; I was on a strategic point with a wall in my back and looking for danger. I could make an inventory of the shop and the people inside in a split second. Know who is a potentional danger and who is not. ( I still can)

in the house I was a bit more save but I knew for so vey long already that people maybe seem nice enough, but that doesn't gave me any garanty.

So the desision to want to learn how to feel again was huge.
Let's not forget...Not feeling gives a lot of comfort. Oke , we miss out on many things, but there are probably more feelings that are not nice then there are nice..At least that was my way of thinking back then.

With the help of my little girl inside, having my son and bit by bit let the feelings come to the surface, using the pat on the shoulder at the same time... I started to feel something. The next problem was to identify what this feeling was. I didn't have a clue!!!
Not knowing what the feelings were means that there isn't any thing to do with them...
When people are sad,they cry...when people are happy ..they laugh...when people are angry they shout and slem the door.... But what IS happy, sad, angry???? and this are the easy feelings and emotions..What about frustration..pfff or powerlessness... this are much more complicated aren't they...!!!!
At the same time I felt there was this easy way out, I just had to turn the feeling out and there wouldn't be a problem anymore... This turning out the feeling seemed so much easier and comfortable... Why did I make a problem about not feeling? if I didn't feel the wolrd didn't seem collorfull, but dull is a way of live also!!! being collorblind isn't so bad if you haven't a clue about what collor is.....But man...starting to see one collor..two collors...wauw
it makes you curios to know about the rest...

So it took me time to get to feel, identify the feeling and deside what to do with it, expres them or not.
next problem was how do I confront people with this feelings. There is a time that i was 'angry' at somebody... I didn't express it because i didn't feel I had the right to do so...
If I found myself in a position that i thought I had the right, than there is the problem of how to express it, not to hurt that person, but still give air on my emotions..
Finding the balance in all these things is a challange.

In time I learned. Sometimes there was somebody around I could trust enough to ask... I discribed what i thought I was feeling... ( guessed to give it a name...) and asked what she would do in this same situation..Problem is that a lot of people think if they give some advise you HAVE to do so.. Ah ah not me.I have my own brain..I ask you a question but it doesn't mean I am without a brain or have no opinion.... So I took the advice, hear what that person had to say about it, and disided myself what to do with it Use it as it came or be creative with it and use it to get to something that was closer to my own personallity.
As I look back..when this was happening it seemed that it took me ages to get better with this. Now I know it wasn't such a long time.
Don't forget we are LIKE children in these things, but we are grow ups..We learn ohh so very fast!!! So as normal in situations . At the time it seems to take endlessly but afterwards you realize it didn't took so long at all.
it doesn't come all at once, so that is comforting also.. Live is supporting you, it will never give you more to deal with then what you can handle.

To answer your other question;

How does one then really engage with the world? I wonder about you, given you are further down the track, do you feel like you live in two different worlds still, or has it changed? Do you feel more of one now?


Yes I do..And for many , many years already!!!
I am a whole person now, living in one world, With the knowledge that the other world exist and people are still suffering.
With this knowledge of both, I can help others now to find they'r way into this one base of existing. living, feeling, interacting with they'r inside world as well as they're outside world..( do you undertand what i am saying with this?). Somehow I sometimes feel like a bridge that helps people to cross over to the other side.
looking back the real dealing and cooping with everything that happend took me..all and all, around 3 years i think.
Do I mean saying this that after those 3 years everything is gone?...No I do not. You can't wipe it out, not clean it, not cutt it away, nor burn it out of your life.
it wil always be there.
And you know what?
And maybe you won't believe me telling you this; At some level I am glad with all that happend. it made me a better person , it gave me knowledge on so many different levels, it made me see so many things others are totally blind to, it made me help others go along they're way to a better live.....
it gave me knowledge about me on a level so little people do... I can't begin to express what it gave me.
Ofcourse this is how I feel about it now, after so many years. At the time I existed first in pain ,later on not feeling at all, and then climbing up on the ladder of life!

yes I feel a whole person now. I can look back on what happend, and yess I feel pain still. But it's not my pain anymore, it is your's and Lady Crowns pain, but I can feel it on a different level than others will do. I've been there, lived it, rememeber it and I celebrate the girl inside me that survived and lives a happy live now.
Sometime I have tears in my eyes as I feel what you feel, go through what lady Crown shares And than i am releaved because I know i am a different person now.

To answer a question that I think lives inside you after reading all this;.....
Was it worth all that trouble?
O YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS a 100.000 times YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I hope and pray the same thing will happen to you, to Lady Crown and all the others that are outside there who need it.

Again...take time... be patient with all that is happening. I know, I wished so many times there would be this switch i could turn on to get it over with...But take it from me... In reality you wouldn't want it, it won't teach you anything that way, won't make you that better person and then the wolrd ends there!

I hope you know that if you have any question, you can ask me. There are no taboes for me on this subject non at all!!!!
And If i can help you in any way I love to do so...

With love Segaya.

( sorry I read this over, it's very long, but I wanted to really answer and not just say something....)

Yes there has changed something and it's irriverible.
I read it in your postings, feel it in the way you express yourself...
Remember what I said when you explained why you were away for a while....I said I was thinking of you, knowing you had to take some time off? But also that it gave me a smile on my face... Before I was really worried , thinking about you and feel sad..Now My heart jumps over and over again, reading what you share..
This doens't mean I underestamate what you are going through. it means I read the signs!!!
I can tell you that you will succeed and that it won't take you a long time of struglle to start feeling comfortable in your body and way of living. I know of the road you have to go through and it will give you so many suprises and little wonders.
It willl make you feel wonderfull ..I promise!!!
( and you can take me on this promise!!)

Live it self will support you in a way you can't even immagine. It will come with little presents and you will recognize them one by one...It will fill you with energy and it will show you how to go about it...... it will bring a smile on your face...And be honest....didn't live do this already??
Love Segaya

Hai my dear friends Lady Crown and Sapphira,

I want to share something also...
I know we were talking about dolls and how they remember us of so many things.
Several years ago I started a hobby. I didn't finish because of my illness and leck of money but stil it makes my heart beat a little faster as I see it.
See this as an example..and please without those dolls in it... This is a miniature and the scale is 1: 12.....( the smallst dolls are scale 1:10 so always to big!!)
All is handmade by the owner......Let your fantasy do the rest!!!!!
With lots of love..Segaya

http://klaziensgrachtenpand.ismijnhobby.nl/

At the bottom of the page you can click on several items... I soooo nice!!!

Dear Segaya and Sapphira,

There is so much I want to say about your recent posts, I don't even know where to start!

It is such a relief to me to hear about your experiences with the little girl neglect and abuse, because I can finally share the pain of that with other girl friends! Not that I wanted either of you to suffer it, but I am sure you know what I mean by the relief of not being alone anymore. The hair, the clothes, the shopping; how many times have any of us been quietly trying not to cry in a dressing room, making our way in, and then freezing, not knowing what to do. If you are forbidden to look in a mirror in your home, the act of being in a dressing room and facing this huge mirror brought up such self-hatred, I would drop everything and leave. No wonder we don't shop! Who could shop like this? I wasn't even able to hold a blouse up to myself and glance in a mirror!

Sapphira, I'm sending a link for you as well, since you mentioned sarongs;

http://www.barbiecollector.com/images/showcase/products/G8056_9993_main.jpg

I know it says it is a muu-muu, but it was as close as I could get.

And to this day, it still continues; I was combing out my hair and without looking up, my Psychopath sister said "when are you going to cut THAT?" To this day, it drives her crazy (a short trip) that it is long and blonde and pretty and she simply cannot stop making unflattering comments about it. My whole life, everytime she saw me, she said, "What did you do to your hair?" She said it the first time she saw me at my father's funeral. Cruel and persistant.

Segaya, that link was amazing! What beauty and detail! How far did you go with this hobby? It takes a fine eye and a love of beauty, and I am sure you did very well with it. I used to have hobbies of needlework (I taught myself) but I had to stop when I became disabled.

I still cannot see other people on the street, man, woman, or child, without panicking, and feeling that they are going to hurt me. I still cross the street to avoid them, and check out stores before I go in, and sometimes still have to leave. But I was so happy when you said you are a whole person now,

yes I feel a whole person now. I can look back on what happend, and yess I feel pain still. But it's not my pain anymore, it is your's and Lady Crowns pain, but I can feel it on a different level than others will do. I've been there, lived it, rememeber it and I celebrate the girl inside me that survived and lives a happy live now.
Sometime I have tears in my eyes as I feel what you feel, go through what lady Crown shares And than i am releaved because I know i am a different person now.

That was so wonderful to read and I am so happy for you! You deserve that peace so much!

Sapphira, I don't do well on engaging with the world. I only know that I have to take it a little bit at a time. Maybe one trip to the library, and then safely home, or one or two errands. I make a list of where I am going, and in what order, and that keeps me from getting panicky and confused. Sometimes when I am talking to the librarian or the clerk, I absolutely feel like a big fraud, because they don't know I am dying inside, and praying to just get through this and get out. It is like living in two worlds, because part of us is trapped in the world of self-hatred and neglect and shame that the Psychopath's put us into and worked to make sure we stay there. See my note above about my sister and the hair; she is still trying so hard to keep me there. She will probably never stop. She needs me to be there. But the other part of me wants to be in the world, wishes I could talk to people with the desperate fear I have of them, because it is so exhausting. So don't worry about feeling like you are in two worlds, it's just different parts of you striving for ascendancy. The ideal is that both will eventually merge together, and the periods of discomfort will become shorter, and the ones of comfort will become longer. It really does happen, although it seems painfully slow.

I have to say the underwear stories were absolutely horrifying. Rolls of fabric, and old cot sheets, and God knows what else. I wish I could say I can't imagine that, but unfortunately I can. This may sound fatuous, but I know if you can't even try on a blouse, just going to the ladies' lingerie department is a nightmare. I would absolutely wait for some stranger to come up to me and start laughing at me for having the nerve to look at lace and finery. How I got around that is by ordering things from a catalog first. Hurray for J.C. Penney's! I ordered the simple things first, and then tried a few pretty lace-trimmed ones. It took a while, but after I found my fit, it was a little easier to go into a store and try to do it. I don't think it will ever be completely easy, but at least I can manage to do it now. And I felt so bad for you both, with your mothers convincing you what a martyr they were to "provide" that for you. How horrible! That is the real twist, like me without a room, convincing us how "lucky" we are to have nothing, to be given the dregs, to make us feel guilty about minding it! That is the real cruelty, because it does more damage than the actual event.

I am trying to think of anything I can tell you about that helped me a little bit, like the CO washing and the catalog shopping; I would like for you to ask me specific questions about trouble spots, and maybe I can help a little bit. Please do, it would be so good. Even though the memories and damage are there, there really are techniques that will help minimize the current habits and behaviors. I would be honored to help in any way.

Love, Lady Crown


By the way. my husband says when he wins the lottery, he is going to have us all meet in Paris and go shopping!

Dear LADY Crown And Saphira,


I have to admit that sometimes it is hard for me to know what caused this or that...
I never go to the center of the town to do shoppings. I have to once in a while, but I savely can say I hate it.
Is this indeed because of what is planted in my brain...or is it conditional.. My heart prevents me from using too much energy. I get tired real fast,
I can't walk for very long and they refuse to give me a wheelchair.
I have a parkingcard for disabled people. You only get the card when you can't walk more than a 100 meter. If I park my car in the nearest place, so as close as I can get, it takes me that 100 meter to go to the first store, look in and go back to the car!!!! I can't go in even because I am to tired already.
If I have to go I make sure I got my list of things I need. As I go along with that list the chance is I have to break up and go home.
So, Probably you know how it is if you are bone tired.... you can't concentrate anymore, everything and everybody is too much. For that reason I think I can't shop for clothes very well also.. The fitting is too much for me.
Reading your stories, Lady Crown and Sapphira, I can't get but wonder what if........
There is an other problem for me on top of that.
I can't stand electricity. It gets all my energy and takes it out of me. The shopping centre is of course full of wires, so that can be the problem also. I learned in the years how to cope with it, but this thing with electricity is too strong if I am there too long and tired from the shopping itself.
Is it possible that part of my resisting the shopping centre is the same thing you have....?
I honestly can't give an answer to that......

I know the recovery seems to be, as you say Lady Crown, painfully slow...
But as I look back and try to reason it... How long did it take us to learn all the negative things..... How long did it take us to get the low selfesteem, to be manipulated in a way that we are so scared??
Yes, it took years and years...and still we are not broken. We still want the good live, we still know somehow that live can be kinder and nicer... we still stand strong in who we are and what we want...So with al the force there was against us, we are still who we are!!!
That means something don't you think??
It means, I think, on the surface we are what we seem to be..But if we look deeper, there is something else. There is the core of what and who we are; still standing strong!!!!

I know we tend to think we are nothing, But look closer; Sapphira you are reasing a child on your own..Not just a child YOUR child..A child with a problem. There is no freedom for you in daytime as he goes to school, you teach him, take care of him, work, provide, keep your house.... That is something!!!
This is huge isn't it... I now..again probably you will see all mistakes that are made..But , try to project it on an other person..same circumstances; What would you think of that acoomplisment? I think you can only admire such a person...Now..take it from me...that person is YOU.
I am so proud of you for doing so.
I don't know what kind of heart conditons you have you only mentioned that once..But it means you will have a problem with being tired also. I admire you.

Lady Crown... I had several relationships in my life and non of them was succesfull, look at you; With all the wrong information you have had, you manage to find yourself a good ,loving, supporting husband..he understands you, partly because of his own backround, but YOU made the choice!
You are the one who goes out and still takes care of people in a way that I couldn't do in my wildest dreams.....And your doing so being disabled ..Incradible...
On top of it all, you have found skills that help you to be a caring, loving, helping, wonderfull woman..I am curios how you did that!!!

So yes, it will take a while to get where you want to be..But don't think for one moment there will suddeny be this huge gape between this moment and that, what will be overcme in a split second..it will come graduatly. It won't take your energy away only!! It will give you energy. it will make that you get some presents from live itself.
If you wouldn't have started with coping; would you be here on this forum, discussing with us? Would you be able to share what you haveto, want to?
no you wouldn't!! So live started to give away it's presents already. These presents will keep on coming, wait and see...keep an open eye for it and you will be surprised daily!
it won't take you years to become happy, don't focus on how it will be in years to come, you will be blind that way to what is happening in the now... it will take your attention only away from what is importend and it will make that you think you won't be strong enough to get there. It can be scary to think to far ahead. And to be honest; it doesn't serve anything. We don't know what lays ahead, do we..So we focus on all bad things to happen, that makes us expecting them and that way we will recognize it from far. In the mean time there are thing happening that are so wonderfull, but we won't see it, because we can only see the negative things.


My girly, pinky girlfriend, I started to wash my hair with CO. I have a question though;
I dy my hair..I am a grandma so I am grey. I dy it dark and after wards I wash it and put some conditioner in .. Can I CO after that also..without using shampoo?

Another question that doesn't leaf my mind is;
How on earth do you cope with helping your mother the way you are, being confronted all the time with all that bad. AND be able to stay close to yourself....

As we say; 'I break my head about it' since you wrote it! so I hope you can tell me?

With lots of love Segaya

ihih I forget about the half I wanted to say....

Forget about Paris, it's too expensive and i live only a 6 hour drive from it. Stay here, take my car and visit paris all you want, but if you stay here it will be much cheaper, so it can happen sooner!!!!!

Lady Crown;
I didn't finish the work on the dollhouse, to be honest..I only just started!!
before you start with the work, you have to know what timeperiod the house will be in..I wanted to let it be a house from around the 1860's..... So all kind of questions has to be answered; What kind of furnature was there, Did they have plants in the europian houses by then, and which plants would be imported and which aren't, If there has to be a toilet in the house, where was it in the planning, and to give another example; Did they use toiletpaper back then..and in what way..was it rolled up like we use to get now or was there a diffrent way to use it?
All kind of questions that need to be looked into before even start drawing a sketch ...
it's goes for everyhting,you can'ttakeanything for granted if you want it to be historicaly correct. So it took me several years to look in to that part.
I started to make a hallway.. with a big stairs ( one of coming down from with all the dresses and grandure you dream of)I made all the carpet flooring in a motive... I dressed the windows with class curtains and than I stopt...So no furnature in or so....
I became more ill and lack of energy and money. My Psychopath'son dammage the whole thing , but that I discovered years later.....

I have al kind of skills and as you, I teached myself... it was so nice to read you did too.....Again this simmelarity...strainge isn't it..Sapphira will have the same thing I bet!!!
With love still again and always; Segaya

Dear Segaya,

I color my hair too, and the instructions say to rinse it out after a certain time, and then condition with what comes in the package. I do that. You don't need an additional conditioner after what comes in the dye package. Then the NEXT time I wash my hair, without coloring, I CO instead of shampoo. So follow the package instructions, and use the CO wash for your regular washes.

Another question that doesn't leaf my mind is;
How on earth do you cope with helping your mother the way you are, being confronted all the time with all that bad. AND be able to stay close to yourself....

As we say; 'I break my head about it' since you wrote it! so I hope you can tell me?

Well, it's hard. Really hard. The worst thing, of course, is that it's not appreciated. But I don't do it to be appreciated, although it would have been nice. I do it because I believe it is simply what you do for someone, anyone, who is in need of help, assistance and care, and I don't allow personal emotions to affect what I feel are my moral standards. If I allowed that to happen, I wouldn't spit on them if they were on fire. It is an action of choice every single time...every time I help her stand, check her eyes and her medications, feed her, keep her safe. While I'm doing it, she is making comments and unfavorably comparing me, and all the rest. She has no hesitation in bringing up terrible times in my life as if they were a joke. Of course the hurt is terrible, but I am doing this in a sense for me. Because this is what I believe in, what I would want done to me if I needed it, and no one has the right or the power to make me something other than what I am. If she is dishing out cruelty to me while I am tending to her, it does hurt, but that hurt doesn't matter. I know I am right, and whether she feels it or not, I feel it. She has no power over me that can affect the real me, the inner me, the one who made a choice about how I want to live my life and what kind of person I wanted to be. If I let hurt dictate to me my actions, I would have no inner core, because I would always be controlled by the inflicted pain. I don't let it control me. I decide what I want to do, and do it, and even if I go home and cry over the pain, I still know it hasn't made me into something else, or into them.

I hope this wasn't as poor an explanation as it seems...I wish I could do something more active, like say "they do this, and I do that". I go over, I do what needs to be done, I make sure she is comfortable and protected, and I don't get into the lack of feelings about me. I could beg in tears for a little recognition and love, and it would mean nothing. But I'm not capable of leaving someone, even someone who has hurt me, in pain, frightened, and alone. They did it to me, and left me like that, and I never want to contribute to anyone else feeling like that, even the persons who did it to me, and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Maybe this is all crazy, and I should be indifferent and rough and selfish, but I'm not. I am lucky enough to know that if you know that about yourself, that is the real you, and you will do more damage to yourself by denying yourself. I like to think that if I hadn't chosen to be like this when young, I would not have had my beloved cat love me, my wonderful husband choose me, and the good people like you and Jan and Sapphira would not be my "friends". I've always believed that. So I feel people like you are my reward for remaining a good person.

I am sorry you are in so much pain, and can't even get a wheelchair! I would think if you have the placard, you would be able to apply for one. I know fluorescent lights absolutely wear me out really fast, and I have to leave in a short time. I use a list to keep from getting panicky and confused about being outside. Somedays I can't even go get the mail.

I would have liked to have a career, and a profession, but the disability put an end to that. Before that what I really wanted more than anything was a happy domestic life. My husband teases me. I mend by hand, embroider, cook, clean, can clean and bandage injuries, stop bloodflow, and wrap ace bandages very well. And with him, I've had to stop hemorrhages, debride injuries, keep him conscious until I could get him in the car, and teach him about tetanus shots. He says when the Big Cataclysm comes, I'll be at the top of the list of people they want to save! He says if I could just learn lock-picking, I'd be unstoppable!

The description you wrote of the house sounded just lovely, and you must have done some incredible research before you even started. I can see you descending the staircase in grandeur! Lovely! Maybe I'll imagine myself doing that before I go to sleep, and hopefully have less nightmares. I'd love to know about the research you did into the details of the trim and accessories, etc. The only research I can do right now is genealogy, but isn't it fun to do!

Yes, the similarities are amazing, But I think they were meant to be. Talk to you again soon,

Pinky hugs and love, Lady Crown

Dear Segaya and lady Crown,

I so know that feeling of 'where to start'?

Over and over the coincidences...The doll's houses. When I saw the other two dolls I was looking for a limosine - or a car (probably to get away in!). But no, you are right, a house. Yes. that is what we need. So in that way, it was lovely - all of course in addition to the actual physical qualities of the work....which is amazing!

And then you said it was your hobbie. When I was young, about 10 or so, I used to make dolls houses too. I made them for my cousins. I loved it. Strangely, I never even thought to make one for myself. But, again, like you, it was something there for me....:) again!

And then. The numbness you mean. What kind of world is it - a child being knifed in the arm? But the numbness, yes I know that also. It is quite something, the degree to which we can block on various levels. When I was 9 I was being taken home by the father of a child I'd been allowed to visit. I was wearing bare feet and I was so awkward with being around people, in a car, which we didn't have, and the entire situation. As I got into the car I closed the door on my foot and broke my two smallest toes. I managed to talk to the man after that, and when I got home I didn't even think to tell my mother - despite the fact she's a nurse. Theoretically I had help right at hand. But no. That is what strikes me, and, as with you, I just didn't feel anything. or should I say I did, but blocked it out.

Lady Crown: thank you so much for the lovely doll. I was so surprised when I saw this! Thank you for thinking of me. The blue is just gorgeous:)

When you mentioned looking in the mirror, I have to tell you this thing. I'm of Latin/European origin - olive skinned, dark brown hair. I grew up amongst anglosaxons. and everyone tells me that I definitely look foreign. But in my mind, I'm fair skinned and blonde. I can't see myself for what I am. I have an internal image. There was a wall between the internal and external. What was on the outside could have been anything. And I know what you said about the being a girl thing. I wasn;t allowed to be. And on an inner level I didn;t want to be if being a girl meant being like her. But now, I realise it doesn;t mean this - just because she was that doesn;t mean I am. Now I understand so much more of the problem I am able to say that there is a definite difference between the two of us. Massive, essential differences. I still often ask if myself if I'm like her and I can logically tell myself and go through the material to remind myself, that no, I'm not.

Ah - your husband! Such a kind thought...can you imagine? My first image was of a couple of hideaways tucked behind a lampost peering in at the windows!! Can you imagine the stress?! But what a lovely thought. Thank you.

Segaya, i have realised that saying "the war is over" is not actually a feeling. It's a condition that houses a feeling and I just couldn;t say what it was. But it has come. It is a sense of "almost safety". It's not full safety yet, but my first glimpse of it. I realise that I have been buffetted by externals for so long. And something is starting to say that I need to protect my inner space from these things. I can't carry on living on the edges of my nerves anymore. I want to find a sense of stability, and some inner protection and constancy no matter what may be happening in the real world. It feels like on the inside there isn't really anywhere to hide, and I agree that she hides until she knows she can trust. I see the next step for me in this is to create a kind of inner haven and hold to good feeling, no matter what. I'm tired of being just soooo at the mercy of the world. It is better than it used to be, but it needs to get better still.
Does this make any sense or sound familiar at all?

Lady Crown, that guilt. I've been thinking about that too. Now I have a name Psychopath, for what it was, yet I feel a deep sense of not being entitled to actually say or use it. By admitting I know something of what a Psychopath is like I find myself shaking inside. It is a shocking thing for some people and it does create fear at times. It isn't a word to be used lightly. But I find myself getting a bit scared of other people's fear of it. Guilt by association. Guilt that I could dare to say there is something wrong with her, not me. I don't understand why I feel so bad inside. I don't know exactly what I;m feeling - is it guilt or shame or I just can't explain it and I wish I could, to reassure myself. Like knowing about some really dark things it's as though I did these dark things - that kind of feeling. Maybe when I am used to it more. It's been a dirty secret all these years. There is a depth of pain and confusion and darkness about these things that are done, that is way deeper and darker and more painful than a lot of people can handle. Understandably. But still. Actually I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say here, really. Would appreciate your thoughts, any and all.

Love Sapphira

The gifts. Yes, they have already started coming. Talking to you both - that's the big one! Sometimes in between dark times, I feel light. Insights are coming, that are helping me to change. The feelings are coming and the words. Clarity too.

Lady Crown, I understand exactly what you are saying. To me it's like having your own standard. Keeping to what is important and worthwhile to you, and not letting them make you turn away from this. I once read that we sometimes get into a relationship because of who we hope to become, and leave a relationship because of who we actually do become. Sometimes people who challenge us by trying to make us what they want only end up making us more determind not to become their way. If only they knew this:)

Love, sapphira