I've been atempting to label his behavior for some time, but I have been turned off by the harsh nature of this condition and commonality with societies worst criminals. Ill start with some background, go through the "checklist" and address a current situation in order to be as direct and brief as possible.

Im 28 - he's 32 - both male. He lives at home while running a buisness (sole owner/operator) given to him by our father where he makes a good living. (From what I gather its around 40-70k a year and 20 hours of work each week). Hes ungrateful of this gift and regularly curses my father. My mother gets more severe treatment, usually in the way of yelling and swearing. One of the happiest days of my and my sisters lives was the day we left home to go to college.

I pulled the list of traits (below) from - http://www.geoffmetcalf.com/psychopath.html
Under each listing ill give a summary

1. Glibness/superficial charm.
He's extremely charming - when he want's something from you. Its irresistable. I find myself having to recall the past in my own mind to resist. Bringing up past transgressions always results in trivializing the incident, then redirection to me - usually in ways to illicit guilt, pity or assault my character.

2. Grandiose sense of self-worth.
Im not able to say this trait is 100%. On one hand, he does pass himself as better (lies about being in law school), younger (fake ID saying he is 25). yet, he hides the fact that he has money to his friends so they dont "mooch" off of him

3. Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom
Again, I am ambivalent about this one. He loves the thrill of breaking laws, shooting cats - yet he is terrified of flying in airplanes. His major outlet for stimulation is by breaking laws, schemeing, and multiple sex partners.

4. Pathological lying
No contest. Lies about everything. Period. Even lies about things I know are false, then tries to get me to believe it.

5. Conning/manipulative
Again, no contest. Ill add a personal anecdote at the bottom which will also serve to explain my current situation.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt
The worst example of this is when my mother, who broke her hip in an accident, needed a ride to work from him since she was unable to drive at the time. He became angry at her, drove off in her car, and left her in the driveway in her walker. Theres many, many more stories.

7. Shallow affect
If by this you mean an arrested emotional development, then this is 100 percent true.

8. Callous/lack of empathy
This is true whether hes torturing animals or if you are witnessing his "dark" side

9. Parasitic lifestyle
He lives at home while earning a good living from a buisness that was given to him. I have often felt that my family members are often used as commodities, rather than people to be loved.

10. Poor behavioral controls
This is another area where im torn. He is able to put on his charming face in a court of law. He is able to recognize situations and selectively show his dark side to people.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior
Hundreds of sexual partners.

12. Early behavior problems
Just ask my parents. My mom sometimes jokes that his aggression started in the womb. (He thrashed around alot, was born with red marks on his knees and elbows from friction and movement)- At any rate, problems started very, very early.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term plans
Im not certain of this one either. He pinches pennies and saves all his money. If long term plans involve moving out of your parents house, then no. He does, however, have a long standing plan to save and invest his money - starting from the police brutality settlement he won in his teens.

14. Impulsivity
I see this manifest itself in more petty ways. Lawsuits, petty crimes, etc.

15. Irresponsibility
Very responsible in terms of saving his money and running his buisness, as mentioned above.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions
Everytime. Confronting him is alsmot always more trouble than its worth.

17. Many short-term marital relationships
Never married. Usually involved with girl in a purely sexual manner or in a rocky relationship

18. Juvenile delinquency
Absolutely. In addition, we found that after he reached 18 years of age, he would use my name when busted by the cops in order to avoid prosecution. I still havent looked at my records to find if I have a juvenile record.

19. Revocation of conditional release
Not applicable - none of the charges have ever sticked. This fact is one of his proudest achievements

20. Criminal versatility (Hare, 1986)
He doesnt reveal moch at all to people. But, from what Ive seen, hes involved with a variety of petty criminal activities.

Im going to forgo discussing my current problem in depth, as I realize that ive typed enough information already. In short, he wants me to get a license, then allow him to use it to avoid a no-compete clause - which, of course, is totally illegal.
Hes trying every tactic to get me to do this and, to be frank, ive had it.

Is he a (gasp) psychopath and how do I deal with him.

Hi Scott,

Welcome to the forum. I'm afraid no one here can tell you with any certainty that your brother is a psychopath. The only way you will know that with the certainty you seem to want is to have him evaluated by a licensed medical person and it doesn't sound as tho' your brother will submit to that.

It also sounds as tho' you have done some of your own research on the subject.

Probably your best course of action is to protect yourself and don't be coerced into his illegal plans. You probably want to do all that you can to protect your mother as well.

Many of us here have been duped by a psychopath, in marriage and business relationships. Those in marriage/relationships with psychopaths will tell you that they can be very convincing and persuasive in order to get their way.

Having a family member who is a psychopath must be very difficult. I would do my best to protect myself from him. This may be difficult as you say you may have a "juvenile record" due to your brother's lying. (I'm using your example to put to you that he was quite willing to throw you under the bus to save himself. Therefore he could do it again, in another situation with more disasterous consequences FOR YOU.) Unfortunately, psychopaths have a way of causing disaster for those in their paths. Best to stay out of it as best you can. There's no negotiating with them, they never honor an agreement, they will lie to you about anything and everything. I wish I could offer you better advice. It's not easy to sever ties when it involves a family member, but that's what it may take in order to protect yourself. Possibly others here who face/faced similar situations can offer you their solutions/advice.

Wishing you the best.
MCN

Thanks for the advice. I actually have cut myself off for the last 4 years or so (or I thought I had). I've actaully made this known to everyone in the family. Breaking off is a little harder than I figured, but it helps to live hours away from home.

Hi Scott,

Sorry the advice is so "paltry" but it is a difficult issue. I actually cut myself off from two members of my own family; my sister and my father. I don't think they were/are psychopathic. My father from the time I was 7 years old was threatening to kill the entire family and I've looked down the wrong end of a gun on a couple of occasions (not fun). I knew at 7 my father was quite capable of pulling the trigger. My father did suffer an extreme head injury in his early 20s and quite possibly had a mental disorder. My sister seems to have narcissistic tendencies. Long story short, in my early 20s, my father did an about face and became a "reborn again" christian. I forgave him for the past, but it was not "forgetable". My sister used my father financially, but they both seemed to get some thrill out of causing contentions within the family. In my mid 30's I finally grew tired of it and I had my own family to protect. I wrote them both a letter and "nicely" told them I no longer wanted any contact with them and I stuck to that (altho' at times it was difficult to do because my other family members would "encourage" me to "make amends" with them. However, I had learned thru 30 years of experience with them that this never worked and eventually one or both of them would end up "biting" you again as they continually did to other family members.)

Sometimes it was impossible to avoid them. I did let other members of my family know that I would not attend whatever if they were inviting either one of them. I stood my ground on that even tho' some members of the family expressed their exasperation with it. I am aware of all that comes with that package deal, but that was the only way to prevent them from meddling in my life and causing disasterous effects for me and my family. My father has passed away, but my sister is still around. I don't ask about her and no information is given to her about me. Don't know if she asks and don't care. (It's been 20 years since I "evicted" them from my life.) I do know that my sister searched for me on the internet and found a picture of me. Why she did that I have no clue. She did mention it to my brother and he mentioned it to me. However, she has given up in her attempts to contact me. And that suits me just fine.

I do understand what a difficult position it is to be in, but sometimes it is necessary. Other people have a real difficult time understanding how you can do such a thing to "your own father, sister, brother, etc." My reply was, "Hitler had family too." I did what I had to do and am not sorry I did it.

I've found this site helpful in a variety of ways and I think you may find useful information/insight here.

Wishing you all the best.

MCN

Actually, getting most of my friends to acknowledge the situation for what it is - or what he is rather - was easy. At some point he had Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde'ed them at one point or another.

This chain of events usually went in this sequence - He starts to con them. I tell my friends that its a horrible idea and he will abuse you(my friends). Inevitably, this happens. Of course, were talking an expanse of years, but thats beside the point.

Similarly to my friends, my also family see his bad side. Im just the solitary family member refusing to deal with this anymore. Well, thats not entirely true- Im quietly cheered on by my mother and sister. I would like to get some therapist involved, but im thoroughly convinced that he can con him/her - assuming the impossible event that he would even go at all.
Despite this, I'm not sure what identifying the problem can do. It could help my folks' deep ambivalence regarding this situation and their convinction that this is somehow their fault.

On the other hand,Im not really interested in driving any wedges within the family either.

Scott,

In my situation, I was on one side of the country and the rest of the family was on the other side of the country. This "eased" the situation somewhat. I did not try to drive wedges within the family either. In fact, I did not prevent my two children from seeing their grandfather, but I had stipulations with regard to their visits. Rule #1 was that he and my sister could not see them without another family member present who was approved by me. Religious conversation with my children was also not allowed. (My children, now adults, have told me that they believe I handled the situation well and they realized what a whack-o their grandfather was and they see thru their Aunt as well)

My family members, like yours, also recognized that the family members in question did pose "threats" thru their behavior to others. They respected my decision, although it was not how they chose to handle the situation and they were able to see my side of the situation. Again, I was the solitary member of the family who refused to endure their behavior.

I have heard and read many tales of how psychopaths are very adept at deceiving a therapist/medical doctor. So your skepticism there is well taken.

You sound as though you have a good grasp of the situation both emotionally and intellectually, and handling it very well.

I don't know if you have children, but I'm sure you can imagine how devastating for your parents this must be. You love your child, but you may not necessarily like him. And the culture seems to always want to blame the parents for a child's/adult's behavior. Reality tells us that this is not always true. One could have poor parenting and turn out to be a terrific adult or the reverse could be true.

I'm sure in some ways it would be helpful to have a professional diagnosis and perhaps it would relieve some of your parents guilt and vindicate you in some respects, but given the situation it's not likely to happen nor does it really seem to be worth the effort.

Regards,
MCN

Thanks M.C.N.
I haven't heard about this issue for about 4 days now. I hope I may have heard the last of it. Im pretty sure it will come up again in an attempt to lay guilt though.
Thanks again. I hope I dont have to post any more follow-ups on the issue

Hey scott, I just posted my first "issue" regarding my brother. Sounds like they could be the same person. My brother was also a juvenile delinquent and seems he still is at the age of 39. He thumbs his nose at authority and lies and denies and is never apologetic of his actions. And plays the sympathy card (crying etc) when he gets himself in deep trouble to get people to help him. He always waits till he gets locked up to ask for help from anyone but again that help just consists of throwing money his way. He has no conscious, does not feel guilty, just gets mad at himself because he got caught. After his latest incident I am ready to write him off for good.My feelings are you can't help those who don't want to help themselves, they are given every chance to change to straighten up and they don't because we are there to enable them. Good luck to you, I know what you're going through

EAVGH
(member)
10/12/05 06:14 PM

Hi all, I am new here. I have a question that I hope some or all can answer in regards to identifying a psycopath. My brother since the age of 14 has stolen my parents car, broken into other people cars, broken into houses, stole my father's credit card and obtained money from a savings account my father had, posing as my father, sweet talked the teller with his innocent baby face (this at the age of 20) and stole my mother's engement ring and wedding band from her jewelry box that he sold for money. Since then he has set fire to his now ex wife's apartment (denying that he did it but was put on probation for it)(I thought if you are put on probation for something it is usually because you committed the crime), Shortly afterwards he hooked up with another female with a shady past and with her help stole bicycles from people for a quick buck.

He has been a pathological liar since I can remember and when confronted about things he has done he denies any wrong doing and does not budge. He dissappears from our lives about every three years until he gets into trouble and needs help. It is not help he is looking for it is money to either bail him out or for a lawyer. He plays the sympathetic card every time to get his family and friends to help him, but he never learns his lesson and thumbs his nose at our advice. After seperating from the girlfriend, he puts water in the oil tank at the house they were renting to get back at her.

His latest thing is that he was stealing parts from the company he worked for and selling them on the side to another guy. His employer had him arrested as well as fired him and is now charged with grand larceny. He didn't want his new unsuspecting sweet girlfriend to tell his family he has once again been locked up but yet he will call us to beg for help (MONEY), for bail etc. My parents and I are at our wits end and feel that this new woman in his life has also been deceived (he has withheld information about his past from her)My brother is going to be 40 years old. I looked up the definition of psycopath and by god if the article needed a picture his would have fit.

How does a family cope with this sort of behavior and empty lies from him that he has learned his lesson. We feel there is nothing we can do for him because he likes to take advantage of people and gets himself in trouble all the time. Just when we think he has changed, he goes back to the same criminal, lying deceiting ways. Does anyone have any advice?? He seems self destructive, he holds great jobs, is a good worker, knows his stuff, but time and time again he ends up getting fired from these good paying jobs because of his desire to live on the edge.

To EAVGH: I just read your post about your brother, and the only advice I, (and I'm sure the others) can give is to establish NO CONTACT. I'm so sure this is very difficult since he IS your flesh and blood and you probably love him somehow, but if you don't he will only continue to hurt, destroy and use you until you go nuts! The P I was involved with (romantically) has a sister who works for the same organization that I do, but I never met her because he was "estranged" from her. Of course it was "HER fault" that they no longer speak... his reason was basically that she didn't agree with his "lifestyle" (sponging off gullible women?!) but I'm sure she told him she "had ENOUGH" of him and REFUSES to talk to him.

As painful as it is, it's the only thing that will save you from his bull!

Keep posting, and my heart and prayers are with you.

Tiasa