A very concerned parent wanted to ask for help but is having some issues being able to post them and asked me to post for her as she is very anxious for support.

I still don't seem to get to the post it part of your website. Perhaps I have an inbedded instruction somewhere preventing this. As I inherited this machine I am not fully cognisant of how it was set up etc. I suppose the crunch of what I wanted to ask you is "Should I alert my daughter to the fact that I think her husband is a psychopath?" He has made her ill recently but I am concerned about what he might do if he finds out what we think, for we are playing amateurs here. My son was horrified when I mentioned it to him, but I have checked the list on the quiz "Is your boss a psy..", which gives a reasonable idea as to what we are talking about and he ticks the boxes of most items listed.
My husband thinks we are on the right lines too, for which I am thankful, otherwise I might think it is me who has a problem.

If you want to put this on the appropriate page, please do so as I would appreciate some feedback.

Many thanks.
Fran

Son in law came into our daughter’s life around eighteen years ago. She was a journalist and he a police driver for the Chief. He left his wife and brought with him an old motorbike and toolbox. He is nine years older than our daughter. She had a house, a professional job and a car at that stage.

He has always been grumpy and his children always spoke about his state of mind. Always controlling, including trying it on with us – sent a list down of things we had to change – ie daughter to re-negotiate relationship with us so that it resembled that if his own parents and my husband had to lose weight as he had told him to do before. (He is an expert on everything!) Often unreliable when meals had been booked in restaurants. If abroad he would walk out because presumably he felt uncomfortable and go to a McDonald type. Very unsophisticated. Minimally educated. Spoilt by mother, father similarly grumpy type. Sons terrified they will turn out like him. Short of stature, stomps around if can’t get own way. One New Year’s Eve went to bed at 9.30 pm. Has in our house several times told people to be quiet. My mother (92) very frightened of him on one occasion when he was verbally abusing daughter. He is manipulative and sneaky. Often watching you or checking up on daughter either by phone or any other way.

When they were married insisted on only 30 people to come. We paid for small wedding and he was to do barbeque in evening. When it came time refused to do it. Said get someone else.

Some of these things seem very petty, but I have observed this man over many years and I trained recently at our local court and had reinforced the qualities of those who are domestic abusers and he fits the bill all the way.
He prevented our daughter from having children and it has broken her heart. He first stopped her getting help, then changed his mind, then had a break down so now she is childless and 44 and he has got exactly what he wanted. She has been an extremely good step mother to his two sons who are now in their early twenties. We have tried to build good relations with them but they both know what their father is like and have expressed fear that they might turn out like him.

Our daughter was hysterical, depressed and threatening suicide in August. We made her see her GP and is now having psychotherapy sessions. He accused her of drinking, taking drugs on several occasions when she was distressed, but this was totally untrue. She just freaked out H said she had wrecked his party and that it was “all over”. (His ex wife, sons and geriatric elderly parents had been in the house for weeks on holiday). When I asked my daughter who did she have to care for her as I was on my way to visit a sick relative, there was no one. Now that she is having therapy he stays very close if we are together in case she tells me what her sessions have been about. He used to make very harassing telephone calls whenever daughter visited us. He is miserable and acknowledges he is sick but has not sought treatment.

Daughter remains with him but as he as he seemed to meet most of the criteria on the quiz “Is your boss a psychopath” I became very concerned. I know this will be very superficial as a diagnosis, for I always had him as a coward and not likely to beat her but I am now not sure. He frequently stays with friends and relations in the States and tags on to other friends in the UK. He regarded the fact that we changed our will as “interfering in his marriage” until we told him to mind his own business and backed off.

He never asks how you are and only blossoms when he is the centre of attention – ok this could just be poor upbringing but I think it is more than that. He once referred to the time when my husband was taken as an emergency to our local hospital. In front of daughter, husband and myself he said “You couldn’t have cared less when your father was ill. You just went up to bed and went to sleep.” I was shocked. He seems conscienceless, unfeeling, uncaring and a real cold fish.

Sorry Di I have tried to put eighteen years worth into something like analysis but make of it what you will. Am I imagining all this and how could I help my daughter?

The reason I suddenly had this feeling about him was no more than watching a television programme called "Waking the Dead", which may not be on your screens yet. It is a well done piece of fiction involving a team of detectives with a psychologist on hand to help and she began to spell out the characteristics of a psychopath. Both my husband and I looked at each other and said almost together "Oh dear". I did nothing for a couple of days and then sitting at my computer I just punched in the condition.

I have absolutely no idea if he has had affairs outside of the marriage.

He was in the police force for thirty years, but moved around quite a bit, police driver, community policeman, traffice control room but this would probably be normal. He did once tell me that his line manager had called him Jekyll and Hyde and said that he made life difficult for others of his colleagues because being such a perfectionist, he expected too much of people. Once he left the police he worked for a computer company for three years and then left because he had upset someone in a police constabulary. He did not go back to work until very recently, ie since about last March.

He has an allotment where he grows vegetables very well.

You ask if I have noticed his eyes. Oh yes, they are very dark brown and menacing. Normally one would describe eyes as being horizontal in appearance, on reflection his are more vertical for some reason. On one occasion my daughter, who is a director of a national charity, had been left to look after a minor royal who was presenting prizes. Being a journalist she chatted away to the minor royal and made him feel very comfortable whilst we waited in the wings of the theatre. I was present during this half hour when she was doing her duty. When we met up with her husband, who would not come to the event even though a hotel had been booked for him, I started to tell him about our daughter and said something like "Your wife was a star! She really did a good job that evening". He turned his head and looked at me with a total blank stare and said absolutely nothing.

Is this all so much drivel? I suppose because I lived in an academic world for so long it does seem liked one long anecdote or does it? I do not make hasty decisions, I do look closely at evidence and if you wish to invite others to comment on this case study, be my guest

Thank you for listening.
Fran

Diane E

I read your post and you could have been talking about my daughter in law. I did a post just last night titled "daughter in law" so if you get a chance please go read it and respond to my post.

The response by Sarafina gave some really wise suggestions as to how to handle my daughter in law (DIL). It might help you too.

Isn't it terrible we have to be so scared for our children. And I have found out it doesn't make any difference if the psychopath is male or female. They are totally scary and I am afraid for my son and grandkids and I don't know what to do either. She went to his residence and attacked him and the police believed her and took him to jail.

In previous years she has been bizarre but she is getting worse and more out of control. She can be in my face screaming and yelling and turn around and talk to my son or someone else calmly. It is just too weird. We don't even know why she hates me likes she does - it's like she has to have one person to focus her hatred and rage on and I seem to be the person of the moment.

She started becoming enraged with me when my son left her. I just had a thought. Could she be blaming me for him leaving her? That would explain her telling everyone I had been trying to get him to divorce her for over a year. Which is not true. I just told him I would support him in whatever decision he made. But it would justify her anger and actions towards me with her counselor and support group women.

Do P's always blame other people? Do they ever accept responsibility for their actions? Can she not see that he left her because she couldn't or wouldn't be faithful, she wouldn't cook, clean or do laundry or talk nice to him for over 3 years now. Can P's not see the truth or do they even care?

I am so sorry for the pain and fear that we who are in this position are forced to live. I wish a better life for all concerned but I'm striving to find out how to survive in this chaotic world I find myself in. Ashirah

With your daughter being severely depressed and contemplating suicide is there any way you can work with a doctor to have her put in a treatment facility to get her away from her husband and where she can get some help herself where they can keep him away from her? Is that possible to do or have I watched too much TV??

It sounds like she is so beaten down she can't protect herself anymore. Can you talk to a lawyer to see if there is anything you can legally do to help her. I am so glad she is getting some kind of help. Does she know her husband is contributing to her illness?

I think my daughter in laws chaotic life has become a norm for him. He knows it's not normal but it doesn't necessarily upset him when she does abnormal behavior whereas it horrifies those of us who are normal and functional.

Please keep us posted as to how you are and your daughter and family too.