My dear friend Sapphira,

And of course I could trust your reaction to be positive!!!
You are the first one you know....Always when I tell others about this feeling emotions of others they say it is scary, or I have to get rid of it, or that I am crazy to not shut it out etc......So thank you for being happy for me, because I am happy with it... Am I happy for coughing for so long?...No, hwhawh I am not but I see it was a stupid reaction of me not to think about it this way before, rather then a game that live is playing with me..I just had to know sooner...Well it's not too late so I can start identifying now can't I....It's like a whole new adventure to me and a very exiting one!!!
It is more difficult I think then seeing things... like seeing is more real or something, but well, This is my gift so I have to learn how to use it....

Well....these simmilarities again... Should it still surprise us????

( yessss it should, in a nice, positive way... bringing light in my life, yesssss it should!!!)

You know by now that I work as a Holistic therapist... One of the things I do is what we call..( and I can't translate it, so will name it and then explain...) feet diagnoses and reading toes....yeah yeah laugh at it... I did when first hearing about it..reading toes!!!...
Well every organ is reflexted in the feet and every toe is telling something about the personnallity and the caracter of the owner of those toes.. I do this now for several years and it still can ammaze me how much can be seen at the feet.
Well the feet diagnostic thing is not about the fysical side of being ill/ having fysical problems but about the emotional/ mental/ spiritual side of being ill. Also feet can tell all kind of things when people are troubled in a mental / emotional way.

Every organ, like you indeed mentioned, has it's particular meaning in the emotional/mental/spiritual way.
Lungs stand for fear of life and fear of death. This means they are involved in all kind of emotions concerning this range of fears.
You said in your case it was grief.... But what lies under the grief????? Fear of life or death???? Grief is an effect of something else often... Anyways;
Lungs are also the gate way to the outside world aren't they?!! I mean with saying 'the outside world', everything that doesn't has to do with you as a person directly.. So everybody else then you yourself is the outside world..even our own children are....
I mean...; You can shut your ears and eyes and nose or mouth.. No matter what, people need air to breath. So there is a way 'in'; ... The world gets in throught the airways directly into the lungs..( emotional/mental/spiritual seen).
But the other way around is as true as that... The inside world gets out no matter what through breathing.....
Now, by living a live like we had it is not strainge that we pick up on other persons emotions...Didn't we use that skill to survive our ordeal??? We HAD to know what kind of mood the Psychopath in our live was... we had to know immidiatly how to react towards them and how to respond on they're actions...
So looking at it that way it is not so very strainge that I discovered this in myself...The surprising part is more that I didn't knew it before....

Till last year I got 2 seasons of chi gong as we call it, but I can't effort it anymore...I think it is the same system of tai chi?
I couldn't help myself but laugh when I read you are practicing that kind of meditation skill.... How could you not....how could I not!!!!!
I just shake my wise, grey head over it, enjoy it and smile...hahwhawhhahwha

The reason I asked you last time if you still know what date you got your chestpain is that I suspected it to be the same time I had it... Sounds strainge??? Yes, I think so but I didn't have chestpain for over 10 years now and those two days I did and I can't tell you why..I didn't understand it and there was no reason for it... Medically seen it is even imposible that I have chestpain. Also the thing Jan discribed is not possible for my stress level is below zero!!! ( and lalalala I am far to young for that!!!)

I really hope we hear from Lady Crown soon for I start worrying about her now....
O I think this sound like I want to press her to write and I don't mean to do so... Just that I am concerned about her well being.


Yesterday when I was on the point of leaving for the hospital to check my blood my son called..( the Psychopath son)
He didn't call me since he left the house in august last year. Well, He was in a accident again on tuesday.
This time he broke his wrist and his hand is crushed... His right hand.
I think it was exactly two years after his accident where he crushed his left foot. ( oooo if I translate this with the diagnostics..ppffff how accurate is life!!)
I called my other son who wants nothing to do with him anymore after the thing with working for him and no payment...) Both my youngest son and me did react in a very real way...O oke.....Somehow there is no emotion anymore...The Psychopath son is in accidents all the time...
What stroke me is that this was the first time in his life that I heard him saying that it hurt a lot....And stupid me almost felt for it... should it be.... could it be.... And then I tell myself again... no it isn't!!!

I went to the doctors last tuesday and there is probably a shortness..( excuse my language problem) of potassium (??) or a digoxin poisoning that is causing my health problems. I don't think it is of the digoxin, I recognize it as being the shortness of potassium... So I started to take that in a pill already while waiting for the results of the bloodtest. Half of may I have to go to the cardiologist for my checkup and then I will know more about the heartcondition and I think he will reasure me that everything with the heart is oke....
Saffira, when are you going for the holiday and is it a nice place you go to?...
About the questions you want to ask me; If you don't want to put them on the forum, then maybe Jan can help?
Love and pinky hugs..... Also for the ladies that don't write at the moment, knowing ;Lady Crown And Dianna.

hear form you all soon I hope; Segaya

Dear Segaya,

First I just have to say I love the way you question everything! And the things you question - yes there is more to it. Where to start in replying, because there is so much in what you say.

I agree that the somatic experience is harder than seeing, because at least there is/can be a distance from that. I had a period where I felt in my body things that had happened to another person. When this happened the first time there was the intense physical pain of what had come through but also the huge confusion because I couldn't understand - or perhaps more, believe - what was happening. It took some time for the experience to filter down (or back?)through the physical to the emotional and to the psychic, and away. Other times I see things and it's from a distance and that is a lot easier, for sure. And as you say, how could these types of things not be part of who we are. Perhaps it is such a part of ordinary life for us, we can't really see it for the gift it is because it's always been there - had to be there - from such harsh beginnings. What strikes me when I read your words is just how much of a journey it is to reclaim ourselves! We lived our lives almsot without awareness of the strengths and gifts we actually possess. No one was there to affirm these things in us. (If there had been someone to care and affirm us like that possibly we would not of developed them to the extent we have, perhaps??) And a journey that takes us into the very way we see and experience life and the world, with such acute sensibility.

I love the way you describe the breathing and the way you've got me thinking about things. You know what I was saying about the grief and how I have to pull back beause of a kind of asthma and smothering I experience. I used to think that the asthma made me afraid that I was going to die if I went any deeper into the grief. But your comments have made me wonder whether the asthma is my trying to stop myself from breathing into the grief for fear of contacting the fear of dying that I KNOW underlies that. The other thing is that I am afraid of going into that grief because I'm either on my own or because I don't have someone with me who knows the fear that I am experiencing. By that I mean I have not come across anyone who appreciates in a knowing way the sheer terror of this. And I know you know what I mean and I think we talked before of it, it's perhaps not even the death as much as the terror of being confronted by the mind space of that person who was doing that. And the fear that I will plain go out of my mind if I contact my terror of this. So perhaps the "asthma" that I don't get any other time, is just me fighting the process for this reason. I know that this plug of terror is right at the core of my being and that it blocks so much energy. I got to the Chi Gong because after I remembered black-and-white what had happened and was so alone I couldnt go into it at all, I shut myself down. Immediately after the Chronic fatigue developed and various other illnesses, but also I developed sights and certain abilities were enhanced. So it was a good thing, but I know that until I move the energy at this level the healing can only be so far. However I totally trust the healing process and I see that any earlier I simply would not have been ready to contemplate a connection with this. So long as I was alone in the world without anyone else who I knew understood these experinces. And first I was waiting for understanding of what this was about. And in talking with you I now have that! In coming to terms with this entire reality and just getting used to how everything is starting to make sense now, I am finding these insights not nearly so overwhelming.

There is more I would like to say but right now I will wait. I'm aware that with these connections and your sensitivity that what affects one also affects another. I know you also take things in very deeply:) You have other questions I would like to answer and things to respond to also, but again, I will come back to them....I know that you are here and not going anywhere so no need for panic and I can take my time. I feel so blessed to know you and grateful for you being you...

Lot of Love,
Sapphira

BTW I think we call what you do Reflexology.

Dear Sapphira,
A short respons fromme for now...I just woke up!
Part of what I do is reflexology indeed. That is 'massaging' the feet isn't it. The same zones are used for this diagnosic system I was talking about. I don't know any other refexologist here who does what I do...Shame on them hwahhaw For this is making things so very clear and it gives more possibillities to help people...
I also will take time to come back to you...

Isn't this not feeling in a hurry because of the trust there is, not feeling panic to hold on... a bless... I really enjoy it and am very aware of it!!!
With all the love you can immagine!! Segaya

Hi, everyone. I'm here. Sorry I've been absent for so so long, it's been pretty troublesome here for a while. Things have been so chaotic, and painful, that I haven't even been able to think about it myself, just separated it away from myself. Maybe that's not the best way, but it was all I could do just to get to the next day. Please don't think I wasn't thinking of you all, I was, but I just couldn't deal with it.

Of course, it's my Psychopath family again, or should I say "still"? While writing this, everything is telling me not to, just to keep it compartmentalized, because I don't want to feel it or deal with it. Cowardly, huh? But I wanted to connect with you all despite those feelings, and to let you know I was still on this plane.

The short version is that I had a huge fight with my mother, over the "photo album issue" and the insulting Easter phone call, where I was berated and castigated. I let it go for a while, then she said something, and I told her exactly how furiously angry I was at what had happened. She reacted with guilt (mine) and "how could I say that to her" and "everything she's done for me...". You all know the drill. The good part, if there is one, is that I didn't cave in, and start patting her hand and apologizing. I was too angry. I just kept going and told her everything I felt and how unjust they were to me. We were supposed to go home after that, but I took her to a restaurant without "clearing it with her" and said, "We're getting toast and tea." She just wanted to drop it, but I needed to continue. So we did, rather civilly, and really got nowhere. However, at one point, I said to her, " I had two car accidents and no-one even came to see how I was!" I told her how I felt about how she treats my Narcissistic brother, and the disparity between how we are treated, and that he never had to worry about any of the things that happened to me; being hungry, being alone, losing everything, having everything taken away.

A few days after that, without hearing from anyone, I had to stop by, and she proceeded to tell me that a promise she had made to me about five years ago to help me get a house was no longer "valid". She acted as if I had always known that. I was so devastated, it was like she slammed the door on my tomb. Then, she topped the whole thing by telling me that my brother went to therapy at ten, for about a year, then quit, and how he had nothing. No friends, no phone calls, no visits. I don't know where I got the strength to listen to that. Did I even exist? I had no friends, no phone calls, no visits, I don't have them now. I am poor and disabled and alone, and I live in two rooms and I can't even do laundry. He has the whole house and the contents and doesn't even have to work or take care of her. I said, "How can you compare my life to his, and I come out ahead?!!"

I can't, even while writing this, believe that she said all of that to my face. I was friendless and lonely and frightened to death, and it's like that didn't even exist, like I didn't even exist. Plus, as you all know, they took everything away from me, my room, my bed, my hopes, everything. None of that happened to him. Add the beatings from my father, and don't you think I might not come out anywhere on the list of things that count?

I'm trying very hard to keep writing this, but it's killing me, and I don't even want to. I know it sounds like just a bunch of complaints, but it's more than that to me. It couldn't be more clear that I don't even ever count, at all, and never did, and I don't know why I can't just get that through my head. We have been working very hard on our finances and came across a hierarchy of needs (Maslow) that people are supposed to meet, starting with food, shelter, and clothing. All of which I have never heard of as goals, and have none of them are even partially met. We tried to break it down with pen and paper, and were horrified to realize that we are barely struggling to stay in the first level, and the reactions to the standards were "doesn't make sense, afraid to do that, don't deserve it, don't deserve it, don't deserve it." And that last one was the food category.

These two things happening in conjunction has forced me to begin to think that their neglectful and resentful treatment of me has led me to not know how to take care of myself, keep myself safe, protected, and comfortable. What is wrong with me? How many times do I have to be hit in the face before I get that it's going to happen? Why do I have such resistance to accepting this? It couldn't be more clear.

I came home and told Lord Crown about it, and of course, he has always known and warned me that it was going on and going to keep happening. He predicted all of this years earlier. It's not that I didn't believe him, it's just like this empty wall is up and everytime it happens, I am just as shocked as before. And I'm not a stupid person. I don't know what I am.

Then she suddenly takes out all her jewelry and tells me she wants me to sell all of it, and my Psychopath sister and I are not allowed to go over it with her, or choose a sentimental piece. And believe me, she has a lot! So now I have thousands of dollars worth of diamonds etc., in my bedroom, some family pieces, and I'm supposed to sell it. Psychopath sister hit the roof when she heard that, and the phone calls started.

I guess I should just grow the hell up and start being able to deal with the reality. I'm staying in this suspended animation state of feeling hurt and wondering and always hopeful of being treated with kindness and justice, and in the meantime I don't even know how to take care of myself or my household. It doesn't even occur to me that I'm doing wrong, my standards and emotions and logic is so flawed.

I'm sorry this was so long, and I hope you all have a Happy Mother's Day. Maybe I'll get some kisses from the cats. And a lot of tranquilizers from Lord Crown. Sorry again about all the delay, and I hope you all are doing well and doing better with your health problems and other problems. Believe that I am thinking of you a lot.

Love, Lady Crown

Dear Lady Crown!

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with these terrible events that are happening and drawing on your energy and soul so deeply. Yes, they are familiar, and yet still 'unbelieveable' all at the same time. Where do they stop?! And the double standards...?! Golly, I could give them all a good shake! They haven't changed, not one bit. Unlikely they ever will. But Lady Crown, how strong you sound, despite all of this dreadful, heartwrenching ignorance they are treating you with! Strong, yet hurt, yet fed-up yet determined. All in one. It is so good to hear from you! Even as things are, and please, there is no need to feel any shame. This process of accepting and coming to terms with is a process and no matter where along the road to change, most important is that you are on it - and you so definitely are!:) I feel so proud to read your post!! I'm crying as I write. I know you feel exhausted to the core and I know just how much of a risk and a trust it is for you to put your thoughts to post as you have. But I am so glad that you did!:) Last night I was awake trying to figure out what was happening for you and wishing you the best. So it is such a relief just to hear you - no matter what. But more than that, it is very clear that a window has been opened in your life and you have already flown through it. Although not all of you is free, the most essential part that leads the way for the rest of you, is. How brave and incredibly strong you are to be standing up as you are and demanding change. Life around you is in chaos and uproar as everything gets adjusted to accomodate this change. Now they are trying with all their tricks to get you back inside. She is giving it all she has, but once your being has taken a step forward you are not, and cannot be, the same and there is nothing anyone can do to turn things back to the way they were. A step backwards now and then is part of the process of going forwards. And in moving on you have space to look back and see things for what they really have been or ought to have been. It is excrutiatingly painful to face the reality of what was not, to look the injustices and betrayals square in the face. It sears right into the soul. And it takes a certain kind of strength to do this. You have this Lady Crown. No matter how daunting it may be to look at what you know you need for yourself and deserve, just being where you are is a sign that you will be able to handle the next stage, and this pain and hurt of clear vision will pass in its time - once you have been shown all you know you need to walk on from. It may feel overwhelming to see so much at once but you will digest it and eventually you will HAVE. In the meantime you are facing the backlash from those who would wish things had never changed. But their power is waning as your increases. Growing up and dealing with reality? You have already grown to see that because of the way you have been neglected it is so hard to take care of yourself. With a family that treats you like this, where were you to learn otherwise? It doesn't always have to be this way and being grown up means seeing this. As immature people we cannot. So already you are on the way, painful though it is. (And with all this stress, it is of course going to be even harder to take care of yourself right now. It is such a battle. You can only do what you can do.) Seeing it is the first step. Now you are talking about it. And she gave you the jewellery to sell?! The woman is beyond the pale!! She is SOOOOOOOOOO lucky it's not me with the jewellery as I'd be SOOOOOO tempted to sell it and run the heck out of there - but I'm naughty!!:) Just keep an eye out for the cracks - the little gaps where plans may slip in. Keep that fighting spirit up! No need for shame. Why is it so hard to get it into our heads? Because your head already has it - enough for now. But it has to go through our hearts - where it rips it to shreds before grabbing our intestines and hopefully making our feet irritated enough to start moving. It goes down before it goes up. If there's anything you wished for yourself before but didn't give, give it now. Didn't take? Take it now. And keep walking.

Lots of love and thoughts and cheering you all the way!
Sapphira

Dear Sapphira,

I was so happy to read your post, I don't feel strong however, I feel stunned and broken and very unhappy.



This really helped me a lot and makes such sense. I'm so ashamed of myself that I can't make simple decisions and my judgement is so so terrible. I know you said where are you to learn otherwise, and I understand that, but it makes me feel so stupid. I know there is a block up that keeps me from seeing and reacting correctly; Lord Crown said that it's because I never put myself into the picture when I have to make a decision, and he's right. It doesn't even occur to me to think, "How would that work for me, or is that something I want or need?" It simply doesn't even register. So of course I'm always being pushed around, a helpless terrible feeling of standing on the outskirts, with no impact on anything, just waiting. All I've ever done is wait for justice or kindness, when I should have been choosing something that was good for me.

This isn't really about them that's upsetting me. It's about me, unfortunately, and the loathing I feel for myself. I just want to get over this and be able to be lucid and be able to make good decisions, not ones that hamstring me over and over again. It's like looking at a table full of ingredients; that doesn't mean you can cook! I'm not able to put the pieces together and see the results of my actions, so I'm constantly making the same mistakes over and over, that keep me right where I am. Finances ruined, timing shot, not getting what I want or need.

I keep having this terrible feeling: there is a door, a huge iron door, between me and them. When it opens a fraction, I can see them for what they really are; distorted, selfish, uncaring. But the door slams shut because I know if I see what's in there, it will be so overwhelming, so monstrous, so huge, that I can never come back from it. I thought that it was seeing what they were really like, and then I realized that what was inside was the destruction of me. And I can't bear to see that. Even though I'm suffering from the results of it. After realizing this, I cried and cried and needed my first cat so badly, because he was my only friend then, to whisper into his little ears what I felt, to hold his head, and soak his fur with my tears, just as he had done then. But he's gone, and I need him so much.

I'm sorry this post is such a mess, but I wanted to write back to you and tell you I keep re-reading your post and it does make me feel better. Thank you so much, Sapphira. I'll try to write again soon, and hope you and everyone else are well in the meantime. With much pinky love,

Lady Crown

Dear Lady Crown.


How hard this process of seeing reality actually is. What more difficult to face up to than who we are, or are not? It some ways it's easier when we don't see at all, and of course easier when we see and can apply ourselves in a new and self enhancing way. But being in between must be one of the hardest parts of the road - not in the old, not in the new, seeing the past but not seeing how to apply ourselves freshly in the future - as you said, seeing the ingedients but not knowing how to cook. Such a fabulous analogy! For me it was like living in a glass room. I could see things but not make contact, have no impact, no sense of immediacy between myself and the world. And how was I to get myself out of this? For me it felt like a neverending stuckness. Thankfully it wasn't. In a way I'm very glad for you that you are crying so much, washing out your soul with tears. Only in this way, slowly, slowly they will run clearer. Such a painful process, who would not want to get it done? It just takes time, like a tempering process, again and again returning to the fire, eventually to become stronger. As tears wear away rock, so they wear away glass, I found. And doors of iron too, when the time is right.

I know you don't feel strong and yet, to me, your post reveals images of strength. The iron door. It has withstood a lot strain and shows the strength of your mind, yes to compartmentalise. (Some people go on courses to learn this.) You ingenuiously created this door which has served you well as a vault. It sounds to me as though you are now employing it for a slightly different purpose, to open briefly and allow you glimpses through the crack. There is power in this. You can't change these realities you know are within but you are managing the process of self disclosure beautifully, you see? This is your power. Whatever they did, or try to do, they have not got to this part of your self determination. You are in charge on this level in yourself. This is the strength I was referring to. You know if it's too much and you have every right and responsibility to yourself to slam the door if it is so. And you are. Again, this is YOUR strength, and wisdom.

We haven't had picture book lives to look back on, or the great career or status in the outside world to remind us of how successful we have been. It can be very difficult to find some any sense of achievement or pride in ourselves. I still get this, and what I'm realising is that all I have is me. I am my own work in progress. Mine is the only life I can save. Real value in my life comes, it seems, from this constant work I need to do on myself. The only thing I can affect is me. I still have that feeling of not being able to affect "out there" but I have grown to believe that real power is personal. This may be why, to a large extent, psychopaths only have the amount of power we 'give' them or allow them to retain, because they don't have a lot of what I call genuine personal power. They can't evealuate themselves. They can't change or be changed. You may feel weak, but compare it with their weakness. It isn't often the weak ones that a psychopath will target. It's the strong ones, because they have something they want. (Personal) power. And no matter how powerless we may feel on certain levels, eventually this perception can change.

You mentioned feeling broken. Know, there is life after 'broken'. At first there is the walnut. Then it gets smashed, and we cry for the whole that is lost. We can't bear to look at the cracks because they remind us of what is gone and it pains us very deeply. We cannot imagine anything but what was broken. But if we look, again and again, at the cracks, eventually we get used to them and then suddenly we see between the cracks, beyond them, to the nut that is held within - the seed of things to come. It is a process. For me, where you are now, was such a lonely place. Unbearably lonely. Until I realised that, in some little ways, I was holding my own hand, doing something right for myself, despite the mountain of things I could see I wasn't getting right. You know, there were times I just couldn't imagine anything good about myself. But I knew I had to come up with something, so I made a point of saying, oh well, at least I'm prepared to listen to all this stuff!:) No one else was! And that was where I started, right at the bottom. Starting at the bottom is hard, but it's all up from there.

You are doing fine, Lady Crown, really you are. I hope, in some small way you can hold your hand in this.

Love and Blessings in pink,
Sapphira

Dear Lady Crown,

I have been thinking about you and some things I meant to say last time but did not. I know that feeling of literally having no idea of what I want or need. That feeling of being simply unable to make a decision, and the pain and humiliation of making wrong decisions over and over again. The shame and humiliation and frustration with myself/life. And the sense of myself as a vapour almost - no weight, no bearing, helpless and unable to affect my life in a positive direction. And then some people get upset with us when we say really dislike ourselves! But we are like this because we were never given the freedom to learn and know what we want, what we value, what we prefer, what we need. People talk about the psychopath's need for control. What is it over? Those they can control. And this is what we lived. We never got to "GO" because they took over just as we were lining up to get there.

So when we take a step towards freedom all the consequences of being shut away from ourselves comes to the front. I had a massive collapse when I left my mother's house and ran away. I was so unprepared for life. A parent who wants her child to be autonomous will give her the skills to make choices and decisions for herself and her own wellbeing. Such children are taught over the years so that by the time they leave home they have a little bag of skills and they can handle life largely on their own. But we never had parents who wanted us to be autonomous so we never got the skills we needed. We didn't get to autonomy. We are all grown up but still in many ways feel like babies. Babies are unaware of who they are, totally absorbing and impressed upon by the mother/environment without any sense of being able to do for themselves, because they can't do for themselves. But with parents who do not oppress the child, from within will grow and emerge the unique aspects of who that child is. But our situation meant that instead of growing and emerging into the world, we just never got going just as we know we had the right to do. Gosh, how long it took me to learn to say no - to get to the 2 year old stage! I didn't even know until well into my 20's after being raped, that actually I had the right to say no. It was a very significant moment when this was pointed out to me. That is very hard to look back on and forgive in myself, I must say. So I can really relate to the shame and hurt of being like clean slates, to a large degree. As grown ups we know the frustration of this because we know what we lack and can compare ourselves with the self determination and actualisation that other adults have. We see they are well past the starting blocks. This doesn't help.

I wonder: isn't a great deal of the pain we feel about not knowing how or where to start getting ourselves? I believe that while most people's 'seed' of themselves grows bigger and outward, those who've had lives like us, their 'seed' goes inward. It gets buried. When we lose touch with it we feel lost and when we don't know where to look for it we feel helpless.

A lot of people just don't like it when we express feelings of disgust and contempt for ourselves or anger and resentment at what has been. Don't know about you but I've been too nice all my life and it was a very unusual thing when I actually admitted how much I scorned and hated myself for "being this way". It was actually a huge relief to just let these feelings out. Such feelings have more control over us when we deny them, but in addition to that, these underground feelings are where the seed can sometimes be found. I found that there was a treasure hidden in these swampy feelings. In the resentment, in my massive headaches lurked a person angry with what she'd been dished out and who wanted to fight back, stad up for herself, protect her own interests. The constant stubbing of my toe, was much the same. I hope what I'm trying to say makes sense. That the self determining part of us doesn't go away, it just goes underground and it's there, hiddent to preseve itself, waiting for us to find it and reclaim it.

Lots of Love,
Sapphira

Hello Lady Crown

I was hoping that we hadn't heard from you for a while because you were taking a well deserved rest from the relatives.

These people are not worth your caring attitude, it’s so sad to watch you try to do all the things normal people do for their families but your family haven’t a clue what they are being offered. I understand what you hope to achieve and I so wish it would happen for you but I suspect your trauma is caused by knowing you are not able to do that.

You need to put yourself first although it is alien to you, only someone who has such empathy with others could be suffering like you are now. They are not suffering at all. That says so much to me… you are not like these people, they may be related to you but they have nothing in common with you. If they were your next door neighbours and treated you like this-would you have anything to do with them?
I understand that it is a life’s dream to put the past right and I’m sure that is giving you so much grief because you are wise and know that won’t ever happen. Like grief for a death.

When we read about what you have achieved we all know that you will soon pull things back together and take the next step forward. In most situations we ‘fall of the wagon’ now and again and maybe you lost your resolve for a moment and now you feel exposed by being so genuine and it backfired causing you so much unhappiness and uncertainty.

Why should you feel ashamed??? That’s what your family hope will happen and you are not the sort of person who tolerates injustice…they may have won this battle but I know you will win the war.

I hope all my positive thoughts will filter through to you and if or when you confront your relatives again you will think about the people who do care and feel the support.

What was it the first man on the moon said…”one small step….etc”? Look how many achievements have been attained since then.

Best regards
Jan

Hello Segaya

I hope you are feeling better, I get concerned when we don’t hear from you after telling us you were not well recently.

I didn’t realise you are a Reflexoligist, how fascinating. Did you have many people visit you who had a personality disorder and if so what part of the body does that relate to?. I have seen a Reflexoligist and he picked up immediately on two problems I have.

I was interested in what you said about the lungs, when my father died I felt I couldn’t take in a deep enough breathe. It felt like I had heavy lead in my chest and it took up so much space that there was not enough room for my lungs to expand. When I forced a deep breathe it made me gasp and let out a little cry. It took ages before that feeling left me. I was very close to my father and his death was sudden so I suppose there was an element of shock too.
I also think my latest health problem was to do with stress, my mind was coping with it but my body was obviously not and needed to find a way to make me get away from it. My body tried that before by giving me a nervous breakdown but the stressful situation didn’t go away so it seems to be finding another way to slow me down.

When I hear about what you, Sapphira and Lady Crown are going through I understand how strong you all are to keep going and not have a major collapse.
My body seems to blow a fuse when things get bad whereas the three of you battle through and with health issues too.
I have heard that bananas are good for potassium.

I have gone back to swimming miles every week and feeling physically strong has made such a difference to my mental state, that feels stronger too. My body feels tougher so I suppose this has an effect on my attitude. I felt today that I’m now strong enough to go back to my other passion…waterskiing! When I felt physically weak I knew I couldn’t do it and because I was mentally weak I couldn’t face the people in my old way of life.

I know the mind and body are well connected but I can honestly say I never felt it before today.
One thing I have learned from this is I need to spend time on myself. I have even bought new clothes for the first time in ages which is another sign of indulging myself. I have also enjoyed wearing new things whereas for the last few years I couldn’t care less what I wore as long as it was comfortable. I wouldn’t wear anything fitted which I suppose was avoiding drawing attention to myself, if I wore clothes that swamped me I would be less noticeable underneath. Looking at it now…..what an odd thing to think!
When I did have to dress up I would dash home afterwards to take off the ‘façade’ and get rid of the false clothes. They were not me….again odd because they were me some time ago.

I hope we hear from you soon. How did you get on when you heard your son had an accident? Also what happened about the children, did he go for custody?

Regards
Jan