Hello,

I was wondering if someone could help me.
Now i do not know if my dad is a psychopath, but i have been looking up the traits on various websites and i recognize similarities. Also antisocial personality disorder seems to fit the bill.
my dad married my mum when she was very new to the country, she came over from malaysia at 17 and married my dad in her early twenties, they were both working on a psychiatric ward.
I was always close to my dad so i saw no faults. However since they divorced two years ago, i have learnt that my dad was not the person i thought. I always thought that he was withdrawn, didn't sleep. He was always nice to me, but to my brother he bullied him emotionally, every chance he got he would always lash out on my older brother.
He was jealous of my relationship with my mum, he didnt like me watching tv in the bed with her.
He wasnt nice to my mums friends and was jealous if she ever went out with male and female company.
my mum has told me a few things of what went on within their marriage but she will not tell me it all. I dont expect her to, but i have not spoken to my dad in a very long time and im scared he will harm himself, he used to say he would commit suicide and that he gives and everyone takes.
he is obsessed with money and has a gambling problem, not online or casino's i mean competitions, lottery etc.
He has no sense of emotion, i believe he never grew up, my granny (his mother) passed away over three years ago and before she feel ill, she was still making him packed lunches, cooking him dinners and she was always mothering him, but when she passed he shed no type of emotion.
My mum is a assistant director of mental health so i know she knows what shes on about, but she has told me not to let my dad know where my boyfriend lives.

I am very confused as he is my dad, but i dont no whether to rebuild a relationship with him as i know he will depend on me, i dont want him to take advantage of my weaknesses.

I know its hard to say, but i really dont know who i can talk to about this, as it is a fragile subject as he is still my dad.

Hello Rose

Welcome to the forum. You have certainly posed a lot of questions but I’m not sure what sort of psychopathic traits you think your father shows. The place to start if you really want to get good information is Dr Robert Hare’s PCL-R (Psychopathy Checklist-Revised) but from the little you say about him he doesn’t sound psychopathic and this may put your mind at rest.
If you had a close relationship with him then he is capable of having a relationship which would not be the case if he was.
As your mother is a mental health professional she would be a good source of information on mental health issues.

There may be lots of reasons why he behaves like he does but as you said it is not appropriate to ask your mother about certain things. If she feels bitter about their marriage she may tell you only her side of things anyway. Have you any close relatives that could give you an unbiased opinion about your father? As you are looking for a positive outcome it is not as though you are asking them to ‘dish the dirt’ on him.

Jealousy of your mother’s friends and the company she kept is one thing but if it was expressed to isolate her from people then that is a very different thing but still not necessarily an indication of psychopathy.

If your father has threatened suicide, it is usually just that…a threat. He is an adult so has to take responsibility for himself, whether he is serious or not is not something you have to take any responsibility for.

You say you are not sure if want to rebuild a relationship with him, then if that is the case you are not ready to do it. You didn’t say when or why your relationship with him ended. As I said he is the adult and cannot expect to rely on you although you didn’t say what he would rely on you for.
When you do feel ready then there is no need to rush things, you could start by phoning him rather than meeting up.

Do you know why your mother said it was better for your father not to know where you boyfriend lives?

Could I ask what age you are?

I hope we can help support you while you are so confused and maybe we can help you find information so you get a good understanding of your father.

Regards
Jan

Hello, I am a new member, and before I write about why I have joined this web-site forum I would like to ask a question. I should like to know if having no conscience could be heredity?
Thanking dennis

Hi Dennis, thanks for your question. It is quite an interesting one still being hashed out by the professionals. I have a few observations, I do believe which most do it is a matter of nature not nurture if a person is a Psychopath. I believe lack of nurture can create more of an obvious monster, i.e. prison killer who shows no remorse etc.

I would suspect there would be a great deal of fear if a person is born or raised by a Psychopath to think they would turn out the same. I think that many times someone raised by a Psychopath and NOT ALL can carry some of the tendencies to survive (or could mimic the Psychopath but not be one, just surviving or following what most of us do in looking up to our parents and at a young age, how can we understand what they are doing. I think this is a minority since I know of many, many fine, good, kind caring people who were raised by these monsters. Many pass through here and it is obvious they are not Psychopath's themseles or in any way resemble one, only severly harmed by one.

I guess the short answer is maybe others will chime in with their thoughts to help with your question. I personally do believe genes play a part but don't want to take it to the frightening extreme without knowing more of your concerns.

Di

Hello Dennis

The statistics would indicate that psychopathy can be heritable but I don't know the precise figures. Lack of conscience is only one feature of psychopathy. Have you looked at Dr Hare's psychopathy checklist? It is available in the resources section of the forum but if you can't find it just let me know and I will locate it for you.

Would you like to tell us a little bit more about your circumstances and we can help you find other information that might be relevant to you. None of us on the forum can offer any sort of diagnoses and can only share experiences and information we have researched.

Is there a reason you have begun to look for information or was it just your step grandson's recent behaviour that made you question things?

Please feel free to ask any questions you have. We are open to discussion to any topic related to psychopathy or willing to help you explore other avenues if we feel there are other things to be considered.

Regards
Jan

Hi, Mati,

I am in a very similar space that you're in - I began counseling a few months ago for an unrelated PSTD experience with a former business partner. I thank God that I did - my abusive ex dropped dead at 50, leaving my 2 sons behind. A number of similar issues apply.

I'm finally getting to the point where I just don't care about their opinion of me (or, anyone else's). I wasn't a perfect person, and I got out before I either jumped in front of a bus, or my ex shot me. My eldest has gone the way of the psychopath, as well - he has gone so far as to produce and forge military documents and Service Decoration Awards (Purple Heart, Bronze Star), and this flies in the face of every man and woman who will never, ever be coming back and the ones who will never live a normal life. Of course, he's done many, many other things that don't require noting, here.

For a while, pity was the only thing that I could feel - pity, and shame. Pity that my son walks in such a lonely world, and shame that I had birthed him. I have to take steps to forgive myself and my son, and move forward. Just because I forgive does not mean that I will forget - the things that my son has done are heinous and he is solely responsible for his choices.

Keep reaching out, Mati, and telling people everything about your experiences. If someone asks, be brutally honest. And, DOCUMENT - keep all documents, letters, correspondences, a personal log, and keep them handy. When my spouse found the evidence of my son's forgeries, it made me physically ill, but I kept it for all these many years - at some point, I knew that the ability to hold up a bag full of stamps, scanned documents, and instructions in my son's own handwriting, might be of help to someone, someday.

Hang in there, Mati. It doesn't get easier, but we can definitely get stronger through our own healing processes.

Hello Leesar

it sounds like you are going through a very stressful time and I hope we can offer you some support as you come to terms with your problems.

I would guess you came to this forum because you are researching information on psychopathy so maybe our resources section will have what you are looking foe.

It is very sad that your son causes you so much grief but there is probably no reason to blame yourself. If and when you feel able to tell us more about your situation then we will be here to listen.

Have you ever met a 'perfect' person....I haven't and I don't think I would want to, there is no such thing and if anyone appears to be perfect....avoid them like the plague!

That's a great place to be not caring about the opinions of others, they are often not worth considering anyway. What about your younger son, is everything OK for him...and with you.

I hope you soon feel ready to tell us more about your experiences.

Regards
Jan

Hi! I have done a lot of research in the past 2 yrs. on psychopaths. My husband and I were married for 31 Yrs. and never suspected it. He had his quirks, and odd at times, but I never expected this. 2 yrs ago, he made up this story of falling off rafters on a job he was doing. Actually, he got hit in the head, because I suspect he fathered a child with a 25 yr. old, two years older than my daughter. I had to search my phone book for a numberr, and found all of these numbers for child support, and so on. I continued to ask him about the truth, and more lies. Believing the story that he fell, and ended up with traumatic Brain injury, was even played out by the hospitals. The injury to his brain was biological changes to the stressors. He is now a full blown psychopath, constantly breaking restraining orders, driving recklessly, and shows no empathy for anyone or anything. His entire family are psychopaths, and diagnosed with affective dissorder. My husband was diagnosed with major depression with psychosis. I could write a book, and this will certainly be made into a movie. He has drained me of everything financially, and looking for alimony. He has played the court system, probate, civil, and criminal, and the judges, nor the attorneys see what he is doing. I have exploited him in all three courts with documention, and the games will begin. I did find that a lot of attorneys will not even handle this type of divorce, because he is mentally ill. I try to explain to different attorneys the story, and look at me like I have 10 heads. I am a fighter, and not a quitter, and they are getting caught in their lies. Sometimes I loose it because I am fustrated, and the psychopath loves this. That is his move to turn it around to make it look like you have the mental problems. They are very dangerous people. I have seen my husband giving the predator stare to attorneys, and I almost cringe. Now that this has come to play, looking back, I see the red flags that probably looked pink, because as his mother would say. " You need to put on the rose colored glasses". I know that he will probably damage himself, or someone else will do it for him. He is a manace to society, and probably a pedafile. I have to remember, that the man I married, and stayed married to was not real, in my mind I wanted it to be that way. He is a body with no soul. He has taken my personality, someone elses, and that is who he is. The problem now, is that he got caught with his sexual devience, and he is running. They will eventually die because they can't keep up the pace they are living. My friend and I will be contacting Oprah on this because this makes "sleeping with the enemy" mild compared to this. I hope I can help anyone out there with this problem are are battling. More psychopaths are running rampid, and women want a man desperately, that they fall into the hands of evil, and the cycle never ends.

Hello Strongwill

I hope that name describes how you will get through your divorce. It is good to have a name to live up to.
Many people come to the forum looking for advice and confirmation of what they need to do to break out of a relationship and it’s good to know you have come to offer hope that it can be done so welcome to the forum. You are obviously very pro-active about getting through this battle and out the other side so I hope you get the support this forum can offer. Sometimes being able to share feelings through the range from anger to happiness with other members gives you an outlet and not feel alone. All the members understand what others are going through so explanations are needed.

Your story, although different from others, runs along the same lines and even the same phrases are used and members will identify with everything you say.
Ignoring the red flags…..who doesn’t do that? Each time we see one we think and hope it was a one off and won’t happen again. We even forgive and forget the next time it happens….and the next until we come to accept that is part of who the person is. The behaviour becomes ‘normal’ and absorbed into our life.
Projection….of course we do that too…we naturally expect every person to have emotions, feelings and normal reactions like we do. We make excuses when someone imitates our personality and interests as we think the other person admires us enough to want to be the same. We promote leading by example but don’t expect it to be used against us or to plunder our personality.

Could you tell us a bit more about before your ex’s accident and the things you were living with during your marriage that you accepted as normal?
Do you know why the accident unleashed his personality or was it an excuse for him to let the mask slip? I presume you think someone hit him deliberately? Have you got a copy of the evidence of his diagnosis?

I have every sympathy with you going through a divorce, especially with this man who is using the system to suit himself. After 31 years of marriage you should expect him to have a little compassion and it is hurtful to know there isn’t any. I have experienced injustice and perjury and I know how much you want to shout out how wrong the law is. Lawyers are mostly in it for money with divorce cases as there is usually a pot of money to be divided up and they are happy to liberate some of it for themselves. I also realised that it is easier to fight your own case than you might think and considerably less expensive. I hope I can encourage you to keep strong and find all the information and evidence you can to present to the court.

Do you have your own family around to support you?

I hope we can follow your progress through the coming months and support you along the way. Thank you for offering hope for others who have to face a crisis like this. I’m sure the things you learn along the way will be very helpful.

Regards
Jan

Hi, As far as I am aware a head trauma doesn't fall under mental illness, same as Psychopaths.

I hope you are documenting everything, including putting cameras in the home.

Please keep us posted and fill in as many details as you can to help us help you better, if you are willing. If you so desire and have information to further help others we will open a new "thread" to discuss your issues.

Di