hi segaya you are right about being in the fight mode. As I said to Jan we are moving to a house in the countryside and hopefully the change in pace will help me to achieve a relaxed state of mind. Where we live is like a war zone actually with fights and stress and police sirens day and night. I hope I can learn to walk happy and free from worry again. A change is as good as a rest they say so hopefully a new chapter opens for our family. My eldest son got baptized last week. He is such a kind young man and helps me take care of the others I should count my blessings instead of worrying about the other stuff. I am determined not to be a victim all my life and agree that sometimes we must stand up for ourselves if we don't others will walk all over us in hob nail boots. Years of running around on eggshells has made me walk away from confrontation but I am changing and the more I am on my own the more I trust my judgement.

Hai Sapphira,
I think I mentioned it in an earlier topic already...I just have a big problem with the ego of people. They seem to think ThEY know, THEY are, THEY are intitled to...and others are nothing. I don't know.. I don't feel more, eventhough most of the time I do know more... I don't feel this is of my own doing, it is just something I got with birth, and I just don't understand people can think that way. So with the example I gave about the lady in hospital..She thought she was somewhere far above me... I was a patient, a sick person and, she thought, depending on her..yeah well..... Don't think so!
I don't regret telling her the place she diserved...I regret doing it in such an emotional way. almost out of control.... This made me react on the same level she was...and I am not... I have to do better next time.
As I said; I was exhausted, so very relieved I found that place, and completely innocent at that moment of any secondairy agenda....and then she started to shout at me....It felt like she grebt me and through me 35 years back in time......And no way I am going to allow somebody to do that and not take action against it.....

That 'second set of ears'...What a great way to discribe it!!!!
You know what...I am happy with it..it allows me to rest, relax, take and live life as I want it, and still have trust this second set of ears will warn me if necessary!!!
And it does!
I remember the time I was on the choir..We had a conductor( is that the right name) he was the only man in that company, he used to shout at, and manipulate the women...except me..I saw right through his manors and actions. warnd the other women even and ofcourse they didn't believe me...untill he was arrested for exactly the type of crime I warnd them for....I have thousands of examples and I know there is no need to name more for you will have the same thing..Isn't that great.... We will never be naief in those things anymore, our intuition will guide us and tell us what to do. This way we are protected in a way others are not...And so at the long run we benefit from it now.
I am too open sometimes..I don't have that shield to protect and to be honest...Why should I??
I understand why people have it, but nothing human is strainge to me or others, eventhough they often wil deny it.I am just a person that doesn't hold back, that is who I am, my personnality..and probably you aren't and that is oke isn't it..
Sometimes i wonder and think about who Iwould be with another kind of youth...I am not averige....( ???) I have this way of thinking and living that is not ordenairy, ot like others.... But to be honest....When my youth and rest of my life would have be more normal...I don't think I would be the same as others also...i like to think that i am that as a person, past or not...
It's just the way I am... I observe more than others,not only , I think, because it is a survival skill, but also because of my personallity .I like to study, so have a lot of knowledge others don't....that makes me see things in a bigger perspective.. Don't think that has anything to do with my upbringing also...
Having the life that is mine makes it all more clear and it is easy to mark that as the reason, but I doubt it seriously that this is the only reason...
I see the same things with you, you observe more than 'normal'... You read a lot, study things others don't and you are the kind of person not to lay down and keep still and let others tell you how to think or act...You got your own mind. Maybe our lives made it stronger, but different?? I really seriously doubt it...
Love and pinky hugs Segaya

Hi damaskrose,
I wrote a whole replay on you..and it vanished!!!!
I will write it again, but not now.it is half past 3 at night where I live so time for bed!!!!
See you soon!
Segaya

Dear Segaya,

I understand now what you mean and no, I don't believe it is simply because of the past. I agree we are by nature sensitives and so we are affected as deeply. I feel, for myself, that on one hand the pain went in so far partly because of this. And at the same time perhaps my natural skills have helped survive it too. Made us stronger as you said. I'd never really thought about myself in these ways before, but lately I am having to come to terms with the natural sensitivity and awareness. For so long it was simply 'there's something wrong with me'. And this recent understanding of what's actually wrong with my mother and not so much me is as far as I got. And right now everything feels a lot like soup. So please forgive me if I'm a bit off-centre with things. But I think I know what you mean about reacting so emotionally as you did. I remember certain times my ex husband would press my buttons and I couldn;t help but react. Of course, I felt so frustrated because I knew I'd reacted not as I felt proud of and had played right into his game. I hadn't got to the point where I was able to resist reacting to him. So in this way I understand what you say about self control. It is hard, though, when one is physically low and/or vulnerable, to keep these controls controls on ourselves. That's why I think my mother was a nurse, because everyone she dealt with was sick and vulnerable and weakened. She had a head start. The only time she ever showed any 'pleasure' being around me - apart from when she was actively hurting me - was when I was sick. She could cope then. Everything was in it's right place and she was on top.

I'd never really thought about myself like that, as being so observant. I always perceived myself as blind in many ways. I've always picked things up about people, my problem has been that I couldn't understand what the feelings meant. So I just figured I wasn't a very observant person. It was hard not knowing how to express ordinary feelings and emotions because I grew up in a void on that count, but how to decipher these other signals I picked up that were more subtle. Like learning another language in a way. With people, that is. Yet I always knew when there was a burglar around. I could tell my neighbour or my ex husband and they would just ignore me, and of course, they got broken into. I wonder...do you know the story of Cassandra?

Love,
Sapphira

Dear sapphira,
No I don't know about Cassandra, but I looked it up already. I will read it and then respond to you oke.
I have to go to sleep again now and will return tonight.
Love segaya

hi Sapphira,
I thought I repleyed your posting already...grazy me!!!!
Sorry for that!
I read the story of Cassandra and know what you mean it is like that a lot of times isn't it....
I am not sure though if knowing things on forehand is just a lot of experience and having an overview or that it is because I am sensitive. I like to think it is a little bit of both. I am sure we have our antennas, or like you call it; 'our extra ears' to keep us save now.
Another thing I am sure of is that some people do hear us and are listening. All experiences we have in live can be used for others to benefit from it. Looking at how you can explain things in such a clear way and such loving words always makes me wonder and so very proud. I think the only way a person can do that is by experience. How can somebody say it like that who only knows by books or hear say?
The way you can put all into words, what others are strucling to say without finding the right words, is ammazing. Right on the spot and I like you to teach me how to do that in such a gentle way....I have a lot to learn from you there!!!!
if people would have to choose who is the word magician it won't be hard...
because of that probably you will never really be a Cassandra!!!
There will always be people who listen to you, I know I am. The wisdom that sounds through your postings is incredible. Thinking of the time in which you are getting through all the hard things is a wonder on its own. I know the hard work you are doing and I do remeber how it feels. The thing that is for me the mostis the way you deal with all feelings that are involved and the way you experience them, live them and somehow can express them.
i will come back to you with some more...For now; I have to go and sleep.....
Love and a lot of hugs Segaya

hi sapphira and segaya I have had the most stressful few weeks. Counselling is helping and also causing stress itself. This looking into yourself is not easy and I now quite understand why narcissists decide to build a whole alternate world as children. If you do not have the emotional support wow how hard it is to hang on in there. I always thought I could read people but now I find I am actually not good at doing that. I do get senses about things and people. I used to ignore them and was good at finding excuses for why people were behaving one way or another. Usually letting them off the hook by thinking oh they are depressed or had a bad childhood and looking for the good time and again. I have taken my life back to the bone and looked at everything from the new viewpoint I have gained. I have assessed relationships and given myself time and space to clean the cobwebs away. It seems to be working. I realise it is not all about me and that is a great weight off my mind. I truly believed I was to blame for everything. There is a positive to every negative and it may be a positive we don not want to learn but it is there nevertheless. The things sapphira says about reacting to her ex ring a bell. I have been doing this all my life reacting to people and then not being proud of my reaction and letting them wipe my nose in it for ever. We all have buttons and it is our responsibility not to let others push them and control what happens when they do.
The narcissist knows this absolutely and has no sense of morals so he/she keeps pushing until you self destruct. For instance my son and I had an argument before and I told him to leave. he did not leave but kept bringing it up time and time again....even though he knew it was the heat of the argument and he had been behaving very badly himself and he used it as broom to beat with me with. I now understand we can say things in an argument and not mean them but just want to hurt or make the other person understand how upset we are. The next day we can feel very different and want to apologise. This is normal. If the other person refuses to accept our apology that is their right but it can also show an element of game playing. If they cooly and calmly refuse to communicate and plan to mess with your head. As parents we forgive our children many times as we love them. But being a parent also means standing up to them if they are stepping over the line. Many parents find this hard. Me included. There are so many terrible things happening with young people getting stabbed and evil deeds being committed. It saddens me to think of all the anger and pain people have repressed inside and how that can finally spill over into murder and destruction. But the positive I find to all this is that I refuse to give in to negative people and feelings. Finding a calm and happy place is a small gift I can give to myself and those I let in will be the ones I trust. It is my birthday today....42 and feeling 22! As the worry drops away so do the years!!!!

Hello damaskrose,
First I have to apologize for not responding much sooner to your postings like I promised to do. I am still not really well, ( doing much better though) and am like a bugget with a hole in it as we say it in dutch.. I just don't remember all I have to do.
I thin it is the right thing to do, this move I mean. It doesn't seem like a nice place where you live now..Terrible to hear those sirenes all the time and bad for the children I can imagine.
Maybe you told before, but how old is this son of you???
I have two sons, one is the psychopath and 26 years and the other is 18 years. The youngest one is a wonder!!! He is studying to become a psychiatric nurse and believe it or not, he wants to work with children like his brother in the furture......well nobody can tell him he doesn't know what he will be in to!!!
I read all your postings and I admire the way you handle things. it is not easy to survive all this and keep a clear mind about it all. It seems to me you can see objectivly at your own behavior and motives and that is very rare!!
This process is hard and takes time. Be patient and you will see things will change graduatly.... and only for the good. It is like forinstance the bible says; You plant seeds now for the future and in time you will harvest the best you did.....That means for now there is work to do.Hard work... this is no easy thing...but it will take some time to see what you planted...But believe me; it will certainly be worth the effort you are doing.....
Moving to a more relaxed place will certaily be a benefit for you and your family.
When will you be moving?
Love Segaya

Hi Damaskrose,
happy birthday to you....Happy birthday to you.... happy birthday dear damaskrose , happy birthday to you....
Congretulations with your birthday and may it be one that starts a whole new chapter in your life!!!!!

I know it so well.. the excuses we all find for others...and not for ourselves. grgr this is a universal female habit I am afraid!!!!
You question your abillity to sense people..Please don't because you can and do!! It
's not the sensing that is wrong...it is explaining what you sense that probably is off....
This being wrong..( wrong is not the correct word I want to use but the only one in english I can think about... Sapphira will do a much better job in telling it in the right way!!!)
This being wrong is natural... we are born with excuses for everything and everybody. But we don't seem able to do so for ourself.. We are tuff judges if it comes to our own acts and no excuses there!!!
The first thing you feel when meeting people is always true....always? yeah, always!!!!
Thinking back in time you will see it for yourself. Remember when you first met the new neighbour when you moved into the house you lived in all those years...You didn't like her did you... But she came over ohh so nice.... till the day she betrayed you... and spread gossip around!!! The first feeling was right!!!( just giving an example!!)
You will learn to trust on these intuitive feelings again but take time to get to know them and then you will see these feelings will help you a lot.
The thing you told about the son who was rubbing your nose in things that concern you is so vey treu... He can do that only because you let him get to your emotions.....If you could prevent that he is harmless....
I think it is also the parents responsabillity to show their kids that there are choices to make. Why should a child stand up for him/herself if not lived by the parents.. this comes out the wrong way again..I try once more; When the mother and father take care of themselves the child will learn that it is oke to look after him/herself.. If the parents don't then the child will think it is wrong to do so.

If we do something wrong in the eyes of others it doesn't mean we are wrong....It only means they have a different point of view and who is to say that is the right one? If we agree it is wrong we can apologize and that is it!! If they don't accept that it is there choice but not something to hold against the one who apologized, is it!!!
Being angry for such a long time, keeping hate alive is a choice people can make. They could also choose to throw that hate away and start living a nice life. So don't feel too sorry..You are not living in hate are you, and thinking the way such people do you would have every right to do so!....
hate is just ruining your own live, so good for you to step over it and start again..
have a happy birthday and feel young!!!
Love Segaya

Your words are kind thank you Segaya. You are right we forgive others but are so hard on ourselves. My counsellor said this too. I beat myself up because I did not tell my mother I loved her enough and then she died. It was too late and I realise I was so angry at myself for not being a better daughter. Quite forgetting she had been a terrible mother in parts! My oldest son who is a treasure said just ignore the younger son who has been giving me such trouble. Such good advice because when I did he suddenly wanted to talk! Sometimes a taste of their own medicine is good. You are also right about our initial sense of others. Once I saw this woman walking down the road and I thought oh I wouldnt want to be on the bad side of her. It was a strong sense of evil. Later on we became friendly and I pushed these thoughts aside thinking it was better to give her a chance. Well of course she was evil and a very nasty person and I found out later. If only I had trusted my first feeling. I wont tell the whole story but it involved her doing and saying all kind of stuff and blaming it on me. {one tale she told me was of ringing a social worker about one of her friends because she did not like this woman and she told them she thought the woman's little girl was being sexually abused!} I know this to be true as the woman and I later became friends and she confirmed some details.
Some other friend used to laugh oddly almost too much at things I said and I would catch her looking strangely at me sometimes. Couldn't put my finger on it but just had moments when I thought she didn't sound right! She also turned out to be a nasty character but on the surface friendly and flattering! I have got on the wrong sides of these people mainly because I see the bad side and withdraw and they then have to do stuff to slander or turn others against me. I see now the wisest way is not to let them see you know their true colour. I find it hard to pretend though but will have to learn in order to protect myself. And coming up against these false people is what causes my depression so I learned some time ago to put myself first. I go for a day out on my own or buy a small item or go swimming anything nice to make up for a bad thought directed at me. If I feel good like you say then my children will learn to look after themselves too.

This year will be busy and it will be good for me to focus on new friends and new experiences. I have always wanted to live in the countryside and near the sea so although it will be difficult for the younger ones to change school etc I think it will be good for all of us long term. We move in the summer so they can start at a new school in september. I think the thing that was depressing me most was the fact that I was trapped here with all the manipulation and social bullying that was instigated by my own child. She has done me a favour because it has pushed me to really look at what has been going on and understand how serious it is. i think as parents we let our children off too much. We allow our love for them to cloud our eyes to the bad they do. It is not love to let them get their own way I see this now. Someone has to be the adult.