I have really tried to do the NO CONTACT thing. Since my traumatic episode October 1st, I have seen him in person maybe four or five times. These were work related and at his place of business so it was not a private meeting and there was other employees in the immediate area. The first time was the very hardest. My heart was pounding out of my chest and my hands were shaking. I did a good acting job of being calm but I was talking myself through it all the way. After the day I was in his store and he made the comment about the Christmas party thing, I have talked to him one other time. He called a couple of days ago when I was down with the flu and said he figured something was wrong since he hadn't heard from me for awhile. (a long while). I still do my business through his organization but am looking actively for a new job. (didn't get the one I had recently hoped for)so I do have limited contact. I have not iniated (spelling??) any contact unless it was work related and ABSOLUTELY necessary. Fortunately, I have my own contacts and need to request very little help from him.

Probably the very best thing that has happened for me is that since doing the no contact, my head (the fog) is clearing. I think I have shared before that I am in a twelve step group (alanon). In my area they also have open AA meetings that people who are not alcholics can attend. I have been treating this like and addiction with him as my "drug" of choice. It has really helped me. Alot!!

I feel like I am starting from scratch rebuilding my life. It almost feels like I starting all over. I was sharing with my counseler and she explained it like this and it made a lot of sense to me. She said when a person has a stroke they have to go through a period where they have to relearn how to walk, talk and think. When we are traumatized the same thing happens. There were days and still are that I don't remember what to do (I've had to make real detailed lists). I mean really easy things. I was in such pain and full of mental anguish. I can so relate the no contact to alcholics not drinking. . .one day at a time. It's tough to because I really had deep feelings for him. The first and only man I ever was in love with (excuse. . .in love with the illusion)the wonderful illusion in the beginning. I relaspe sometimes and think. . ."but we were friends. . .for years. . .he HAD to care". Maybe he did but I have been waiting for more years hoping things would go back the way they were. Now I realize THIS IS the way it IS.

Betterway you said. . .
>>Another problem I had with leaving the P. situation was that I have a history of running from problems, of building walls, trying to protect myself from being hurt.

I so relate to that. Especially about running and the walls. My way was (is) to keep everyone at a distance. I do have a few I let in but not many. If I sense anyone trying to draw close I start looking for the exit. I found this worked for me (running)I wanted to be close but past history had been to painful so it was my way to protect myself.

>>So after the so wonderful "hook phase" and when he blew me off, I hung around, I wouldn't leave because I wanted to make this one work, I didn't want to run away. I thought wow it was so wonderful, maybe it is me, maybe I need to stay and make it work. I saw it as a failure on my part to run. Does this make since? I know that nothing I do say or think is going to take me back to that space that I miss so much.<<

That was absolutely the hardest thing for me to accept as well. The empty space. . .the shock of "what happened", "what did I do". . .and I SO missed the friendship and the comradrie we had shared. Yes, empty space that had been previously filled with a friendship. This has been the most painful thing in my life I've ever had to deal with.

I do have days where it is really good and others that are really bad. But it IS getting better. I guess that's to be expected until I've "detoxed" from my "addiction". :-)

Blessings to all. . .I've missed you!
Finished

finished,
so glad to see you are feeling better & able to post again.

>>I think I have shared before that I am in a twelve step group (alanon).<<

I also belong to alanon. Started alanon in 1990 right after breaking up with an active alcoholic. Alanon was a lifesaver for me. That breakup was very painful. But nothing, oh nothing, like the breakup up of the P. relationship. Alanon helped me some on starting to heal from the P. but finding this forum has been the most help.

>>I relaspe sometimes and think. . ."but we were friends. . .for years. . .he HAD to care".<<

I am currently in relapse, lol. I believe the P. cares that our friendship is ending. Maybe that is the only way I can deal with it right now. Being a P. is just what he knows and what he does, it is so much who he is, that even if he did want to change I don't think he could.

I had one of those very bad days. PTSD. All as a result of talking to the P. in the last few days. I refuse to have any contact with any coworkers that like to update me on the current behaviors of the P., which has been very helpful. I know what is going on and I don't need updates. Then out of the clear blue when talking to the P. about business stuff, he gives me a very confusing update about his office escapades. All for the purpose of messing with my mind. Threw me for another loop. So, I started re-reading "Stalking the Soul". That book talks so much to me. It tells my story.

I am a living example, I am sure, why the "No Contact" rule should be used. I know this in my head, that no contact is the way to go. I don't live it, but seriously take to heart every post I read here about it. Progress Not Perfection!!

betterway

Betterway

>>That breakup was very painful. But nothing, oh nothing, like the breakup up of the P. relationship. Alanon helped me some on starting to heal from the P. but finding this forum has been the most help.<<

This forum saved my life. I actually thought I was going crazy after that traumatic night. I thought "who would believe this". . .it was SO biazarre. Then I started reading the posts and identifying with so many stories. Now it really is obvious. I can see it. The hard shell of denial has been broken. I see it for what it is (and hate it). . .and grieve at times for "what was" or rather what I thought it was.

Me too, when they start telling stories at the office about his behavior or new toys he is buying, it sets me in a spin. But. . .I am getting more detached these days.

When he called the other day and I told him I was sick he sounded so concerned and asked me if I had enough medication or if there was anything he could do. I thanked him and told him I was okay but when I hung up I cried. He used to always be concerned about me and this was the first expression of any type of caring in a very, very long time. It brought it all back.

Yes, Betterway, progress. . .not perfection!

We are making it (one day at a time)!
Finished

Finished,

". . .and grieve at times for "what was" or rather what I thought it was."

Isn't it amazing how we can be coasting along for a day or
two ...understading the P experience... at peace with what
has happened. And then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere
that sinking feeling that you described hits you. It's a downer...that's for sure. I too find myself grieving, being
sentimental, longing. Of course we all know that these feelings don't even exist within the mind of the P. That's
what makes it even more difficult.

We are good people filled with love, compassion, understanding and kindness. And for all of us to experience
the P firsthand has to be one of the most duplicitous
events of our lives. It has changed me forever... hopefully
for the better. After all, as a result, haven't we come
to a higher understanding of what we truly have to offer!?

Rick

Rick,
....We are good people filled with love, compassion, understanding and kindness. And for all of us to experience the P firsthand has to be one of the most duplicitous events of our lives. It has changed me forever...
for the better. After all, as a result, haven't we come
to a higher understanding of what we truly have to offer!?...

I have my down as well... Sometimes feeling great, sometimes feeling down. I know that a lot of people would understand since I have understood that many around the P have suffered, but it is not always the people that I have had affinities with. It is so weird, the person with whom I felt I had the most affinities with was the P. What a downer, it was an illusion, cut in a house of mirrors. SOmetimes I wake up feeling disconcerted. Yes, it has changed me, and although I may not see how it has changed me I keep on going hoping that one day I something good will happen.
Hopefull

Rick

A lot of you seem to have some contact with your Ps. It is so hard and it must be a living nightmare as I consider myself lucky to have been able to discard the P from my life, although my head was spinning I knew I needed a halt on that spinning-head experience. We have crossed and we have contacted each other, he has come back. Some very strong impulses made me re-expressed my thoughts on the insipidity of the situation and my preference on the zero contact rule. After contacting me after such a long silence, he must have been happy to be in control again and must have been very surprised by my decision to dissolve it again. He thought I was being foolish and order me to please leave him alone. That makes it really easy for me, although it hurts tremendously. I had more power when silent. Now when I have to deal with others of his milieu I feel disconcerted. Imagine having been pushed toward the left side for years and then you suddenly realize that your feets are sunk in the land of the right, simply because the left has vanished, because it wasn't real, as a mirage in the desert, as Alice caught in a world of illusions. As much as we felt something was wrong with the P, as much I feel disconcerted by being in that ode political condition. I feel someone has sucked my blood out and left me inert in a dark little corner, the one that picked me up weren't the one I expected or dreamt of picking me up. I have been feeling so good lately, even my friends thing I am better but I know as today that I may feel always like that on certain territory where I am reminded of the P. It is very terrible. I have seen so much in life, I have been known to be strong and now I feel weak.

A price is definetly paid to have any contact with the P. I often wonder how I became so entwined in a mess so deep that I can't escape. When I look at my office I can see that the whole office is toxic. They are all under his charm spell and they are now encouraging him to go work with a brand new employee (of course we all know what "work with" means when it comes to a P). I was his business partner/best friend (really his target). It's like the others in the office also make me an object. Just what the heck was I, just their for all their pleasure to play with, to love and then hate at P.'s demand.

Sometimes I tell myself he is not a P. That I am taking this stuff way to far. That I am just a bitter ex partner/friend that can't handle rejection and the fact that he moved on to someone new. I keep coming back to read more though, I know he fits almost all the criteria, but still choose to question what I believe.

hopeful wrote: >> Some very strong impulses made me
re-expressed my thoughts on the insipidity of the situation and my preference on the zero contact rule.<<

Trying to go back to the P will never be the same now that I have learned about all this. We can't hide the truth from ourselves anymore. It is like an alcoholic who says drinking is never quite the same after they have been to an AA meeting or someone has told them they are alcoholic. They may not quit but the nagging idea of being an alcoholic is there.

About a year ago I was talking to a friend of mine and the P. walked up to us and after he left she said "who was that, he was kinda strange". Hmmmm, she must of had her P. antenna up. I don't see this friend much anymore, but I know that she lives with an alocholic and most likely a P.

Sometimes I wish I could have "no contact" with myself, with the feelings that mess me up so much. LOL

betterway

Betterway,

>>>>Sometimes I tell myself he is not a P. That I am taking this stuff way to far. That I am just a bitter ex partner/friend that can't handle rejection and the fact that he moved on to someone new. I keep coming back to read more though, I know he fits almost all the criteria, but still choose to question what I believe.<<<<

I sometimes I feel the same. Your P seems to be a functional and smart P, and that is more difficult to attribute him fault. My story is similar and therefore I feel as well, I am probably a hysterical with convoluted thoughts born out of that rejection and yet when I read all the info on P and I am so certain of my diagnostic. I then have to remember some of the worst episodes, his unexpected change of personality, his lies, his arrogance toward others, his disrespect, his mob-like behavior, trying to re-convinving myself of the diagnostic. It works momentarily; I know I may have to repeat that tactic.

Some friends to whom I have told the story reacted really bad at first, and were afraid of the word Psychopath. Now months after, one came back to tell me that she understands so much now since another friends of her had just told her almost the same kind of story few days ago. I am sure I have lost others because they must have thought I have exagerating.

I can understand that you said that your friend had her antenna up and now she is with one herself. I have the impression more than one of my friends will end up with some too. Friends listen actively to others but position themselves in distance having in mind that they are far from that reality.

Betterway,

>>>>Sometimes I tell myself he is not a P. That I am taking this stuff way to far. That I am just a bitter ex partner/friend that can't handle rejection and the fact that he moved on to someone new. I keep coming back to read more though, I know he fits almost all the criteria, but still choose to question what I believe.<<<<

I sometimes I feel the same. Your P seems to be a functional and smart P, and that is more difficult to attribute him fault. My story is similar and therefore I feel as well, I am probably a hysterical with convoluted thoughts born out of that rejection and yet when I read all the info on P and I am so certain of my diagnostic. I then have to remember some of the worst episodes, his unexpected change of personality, his lies, his arrogance toward others, his disrespect, his mob-like behavior, trying to re-convinving myself of the diagnostic. It always works momentarily since I know I ll have to repeat that tactic.

Some friends to whom I have told the story reacted really bad at first, and were afraid of the word Psychopath. Now months after, one came back to tell me that she understands so much now since another friends of her had just told her almost the same kind of story few days ago. I am sure I have lost others because they must have thought I have exagerating.

I can understand that you said that your friend had her antenna up and now she is with one herself. I have the impression more than one of my friends will end up with some too. Friends listen actively to others but position themselves in distance having in mind that they are far from that reality.

Hi Hopefull,
I've been reading through some old posts.
>>Do you all agree that somehow these PS had a bad reputation somewhere in one of their spheres? Next time, I think I am going to question his surrounding. Just kidding! But I will for sure be more careful to what people will say.<<

The P I know does have a bad rep, in certain business areas and also is known as a womanizer. I shut my eyes to it. Maybe it was exciting or something. I guess I just needed the attention I got. I am also one of those people that believe there is good in everyone and I have to make up my own mind about people. Of course, the P. only showed me the good side for a long time. Gosh, I miss that P. so so much, the good side that is. I miss my friend. I have been slipping lately, can't slip too far, now I know, more than I want to know, but everything I need to know. betterway