Hi Lady Crown

I am well, thanks for asking.....and feeling relieved that the court hearing on Monday is over. Nothing was finalised but the judge said the other side would have to go to the civil court if they wanted to carry on as she wasn't able or prepared to listen to them. Let them! I don't care any more as they are in riduclous territory now.

I'm pleased your sister has ingnored the letter, I would guess she hopes things will blow over and she can go back to where she was before she received it. Amazing how they do that! As if we would forget.

I remember thinking if my partner's kid dropped off the planet it would please me and I wouldn't feel the slightest bit guilty because it would do everyone a favour. There was not one thing about him that was positive or he could offer the world.

I see what you mean about little things and moving forward bit by bit. I suppose once you allow yourself a treat and not feel guilty because there is no reason to then you can allow the next one. I'm a bit the same when out shopping, I get the feeling I shouldn't have things for myself and I have absolutely no reason to feel that way like you do so maybe it is not all to do with your early life. I think we should all go on a shopping trip and encourage each other to have something we want. Yes-lunch would be good too!

I hope you get your mother to allow you to collect the albums while your sister is away and definitely before your brother gets back in town.

I must go, I'm looking after an elderely friend with dementia and need to get there on time as he gets confused if I'm not there on the dot. He has a daily diary with details like this and gets by following it to the letter. So sad!


I'm looking forward to hearing more positive things from you....and looking forward to the celebration when you finally get your hands on the albums.

Regards
Jan

I GOT THEM! I GOT THEM! I GOT THEM!

All right, pinky girls, it's time to party! Woo-hoo!

However...it was at a terrible cost. A tremendous fight and the relationships will never be the same. Ever. I am torn between exulting over getting the album, and writing forever to tell you all that happened. It was really bad, and I mean permanently. But I want you all to be happy for me, because I did what was right, and I knew you were all standing behind me, supporting me.

As you know, I called my mother and said what day I could come over for them. She agreed. Lord Crown drove me, and I walked in, and immediately realized the album wasn't there. It was another setup and another stall. In that split second, it went from being about the album to being about me. I was going to be put through another round of repetitive reasons, requests, etc. And the album was never going to be produced. It was as if the "scales fell from my eyes". (Segaya - de schalen vielen van mijn ogen) I suddenly understood without question that this was dishonest and stalling and utterly contemptuous of me, and in that moment, my heart said "I can't allow this to happen. I can't afford to let this happen to me. I can't take this damage", and I struck back.

I ordered my N brother to go and get them, and I limped out to the living room. Everyone followed, kind of stunned. We all sat down, and believe it or not, my N brother (who is being upgraded to Psychopath as we speak) began accusing Lord Crown and I of coming over with an agenda, and abusing (abusing!) them! Them! He asked if "this was an intervention". He told me that I could come over there and help HIM "scan" the pictures on a computer that is second-hand, not compatible with mine, and has no photo programs. At his convenience. Like he's doing me a favor. Mom said she didn't want the album to leave the house, but wouldn't tell me why (although it has left twice before with my Psychopath sister). They told me I was wrong when I specified the photography needs and programs. They said he knows more about my computer than I do, and he has never used a Mac in his life. My mother accused me in a general way of taking things, since "things were missing".

Now, here's the mise-en-scene. In the time it took for me to realize that this was just another mind-game, I reached a level of anger that has rarely been seen. Yet I controlled it. What I did was sit calmly in the living room, and no matter how stupid and insulting they got, I stayed impassive, and rejected every effort they made to draw me into a useless argument, or defend myself, or repeat the request again. When they were evasive, I said so. When he tried to draw me into an argument about abusing them or our "agenda", I laughed in his face and said, "Don't be ridiculous". They simply could not get to me and it made them crazy. I never raised my voice or made gestures or brought up the past. I was just obdurate. I would have cut my tongue out before I would have explained the project again for the millionth time.

Well, they didn't know what to do. They got all heated, and told Lord Crown to stay out of it, because he was "quietly" discussing with N brother what an abject failure he was as a brother. Mom got all upset and the tears started. Instead of going in and cosseting her, or trying to "reach her", I walked into the other room, sat down on a chair, and was cold and steadfast. She just kept crying, and I got up and walked out. At one point, I demanded to know why when she knows I am totally trustworthy, I can't take the album a block away, and she slipped, and said "your sister was slicker than you". So I controlled my rage, and said, "I'm not going to pay for that". She blamed me for "letting Lord Crown talk to her like that" (he had said restrainedly, I'm not going to stay out of it"), and I said, "I don't "let" him do anything. He earned that right with every tear of mine he wiped away. You wouldn't let my father say "boo" to your mother, that's your marriage, that's not my marriage." She kept crying like I had cut her heart out, and he kept throwing out this nonsense about how we were abusing them. Finally I said to N brother, "You need to learn the difference between anger and abuse."

So now she's sitting on the couch, being all crushed and victimized, and they are so frustrated because I won't react the way they are used to, and am furiously angry, but in a cold way. So she suddenly gave up, and said, "Just give it to her". So N brother goes up to the attic and guess what? Remember all the reasons about how it was too much work to dig it out, and find it, and so forth? He went right to the top of the stairs, picked it up (hidden in a suitcase), and brought it into the living room within a minute and a half. And I knew again it had just been another lie and another stall. That made me even angrier, but again, I stayed impassive. Lord Crown sent me out the room for a bit and took the opportunity to tell N brother a few home-truths about himself and his shocking neglect of me as a sister, and the like. N brother kept whining that he didn't know what to do, and wringing his hands, and Lord Crown said in effect, "if you had any feelings, and your sister was hurt or lonely, no-one would need to tell you what to do." I was so proud of him! It was really great to see him finally be able to let go and speak his mind.

So we left. No one called me and I was completely shunned. I was so exhausted and stunned the next week it was like I was dreaming, but I never once doubted that I had done the right thing. I let a week go by, and I called to check on my mother, ( yeah, I know, big chump) and she said "I want to talk to you about what happened." Now, I'm the first (only) one to try and reconcile and reach her, and I shocked her by saying, "I don't want to talk about it. I'm never going to talk about it." She then said what she wanted to say was that she didn't want to talk about it. So if I had needed to, that door was shut in my face. So according to her, it's now all "behind us". But it never can be.

I am sorry that this is so long, but I wanted you to know what happened. When I wrote it out for my doctor, it was 12 pages! They are not used to seeing me angry, and never for my own sake. No matter what their sick reasons are for putting me through this, the main point was they were crazy mad that I had the audacity to be angry. The lies, the stalling, the disrespect, the endless repetitions. How dare I? And I was just supposed to go through it all again, and again, and again. And then, I didn't allow myself to be drawn into that psychotic trap of baiting me, and I get upset, and we go off on tangents, and I talk about how cruelly they treat me, etc. I didn't even bother. I just ignored the baits, and actually laughed at them, didn't stray off the topic, and didn't get distracted. Nor did I fall for the tears and the "sentiment".

I have realized that every time I was the only one who tried to reach her, and she just took that as my apologizing. There is not an ounce of contrition for any of it, or any sense that she was wrong in any way at all. If I went over and did talk to her about it, I would just be repeating myself, and I finally realized that. Also that it doesn't matter at all. I'm still being shunned, and I'm so glad, because I don't even want to see any of them. Apparently the pretense is going to go on, which is sickening, because this is why I ended up the way I did. Terrible damage, blaming myself, unable to believe myself if I thought the sun rose in the east. And they did this to me for nothing. And I'll never know why, and right now I don't really care.

So I have the album, but much more importantly, I have more of myself. I don't know how to explain that, except that I realized that it didn't matter if I got the album, but that I stood up to the damage they were going to inflict. And I did. Lord Crown is immensely proud, by the way, and even my doctor was pleased for me.

I hope you are all well and come back to the board soon. Sorry again for such a long tale, but I wanted to share it with you. I know you were all in that living room with Lord Crown and me.

Much pinky love, and here's a picture of how I was....:>


http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f23/Upthespout/posted%20links%20no%20move/Supergirl-1.jpg

Dear Dear dear Lady Crown....
Picture me; Big huge smile on my face, wanting to dance through the house with joy!!!!!I am smiling, laughing and crying at the same time.
What a relieve!!!
Jippiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...............
This message wasn't too long..It was short, but very powerfull.

it makes so very clear that the fight they gave you for so many years hadn't anything to do what so ever with the album or with all other excuses they will have found... It has all to do with them wanting to control you . You taking control had to mean taking the album don't you think?

It must give you a feeling finally of have having control of your own live, thinking, body,progress and all that is involved in a live. Feeling of existence even.....
This is truly a turning point in live and it is a great one.
Oooww i am sooo proud
So happy, so relieved!!!!

I picture Lord Crown, finally able to express all frustrations that have build up throughout the years he saw your suffering. It is great he waited till you reached this point in live befroe he geet it a bit out of his system!!!
I want to thank him for he gives hope to so many other women who are in a simmilar situation you were in.
Knowing their are people,men , out there who take sides,who are willing to make a choice and stand by it and take time for the partner to reach the point of no return,before they explode themselves. It has such an impact on all of daily live that this must be hard to do.....

Your docter must have been so proud indeed, for how you evolved in this matter. he knows from how deep you came and will b able to see the progress. Take it from me; Not everybody can do this kind of thing the way you did it!!!
Apart from the process you were/ are in somehow you manage to stay so very close to who you are. Not letting circumstances realy effect you in the sence, you didn't let the family ruine who you are!!!
You didn't get hatefull, angry, you didn't let it get inside very deep, although it must have felt that way. It didn't change you in the core of who you are!!! That's it I think, and I know you will understand completely what I mean!!!

I looked at the picture you send..it is the same one I send you a copple of months ago, did you found that posting I send to you?
I knew you are a Superwoman....hihihi In the band I am singing a song of a Dutch band ( cover) It is called "Wonderwoman" I will sig it with you on my mindfrom now on!!

Love and pinky hugs specially for you and of course a big HI HI HI for Lord Crown.
Segaya


ps;
Look at my posting to you on General discusion page 30 of 8/29/08 at 7 33 .
LOL...... smileeeeeee..... loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

Hello Lady Crown

You certainly did it!!!

I just had to reply the minute I read your post, I could hardly wait to read it all before writing to you. I am absolutely thrilled for you...not just because of getting the album but hearing about who you have become. There will be no going back for you now and you can leave these people where they are. You didn't choose your family but now you can choose the people you want to have in your life.

Amazing they were playing these crazy games....all you were doing was collecting a photo album!!! They were behaving as though you were trying to take their souls away and your mother's histrionic behaviour was bizarre. It just proves what sort of people you are dealing with.

How on earth did you manage to stay so cool and collected under such pressure? I would have loved to read the whole 12 pages.

You have made my day!

Regards#Jan

Dear Segaya and Jan!

I was so happy to read your posts, and I'm so glad you are both so pleased! So is Lord Crown! He thanks you, Segaya, for your compliments!

Segaya, you hit the nail right on the head. "Feeling of existence"...that was perfectly right. Not being invisible like they want me to be, so much so that I doubted everything. I had to be the crazy one, right? It had nothing to do with the album or the excuses. It could have been anything. I did get that posting you sent me, we are on the same page! I know that image was in my mind through this.

Jan, that is so true...all this drama for nothing but a forty-pound chunk of paper! Like you said, not their souls or possessions...just paper. I managed to stay collected under that pressure, because I wasn't really trying to get something. Once I saw what was going on, the album didn't matter anymore. But being gaslighted and driven insane did. And that anger propelled me to not be afraid of them, risking them not loving me versus me believing in myself. I had to stop believing in what they were saying, to believe in what I was seeing and feeling. And once I believed in what I was seeing before me, (the lies and abuse), the album didn't matter, and if they loved me didn't matter. It just no longer mattered if they ever stopped treating me this way, or how they felt about me, or the crazy games they did. It didn't matter if they threw me out. It truly didn't matter if I ever reached them at all. It only mattered if I believed in myself, that what I was seeing was true, in allowing myself to refuse to be invisible and the crazy one, the problem.

I know how I was so blinded. They made a combination of a loving person and the destabilization of years, and I ended up not trusting anything I feel. Especially with all the isolation I suffered. I'm sorry it took me this long to get it, but every time I stood up for myself even a little bit, I moved closer to this. And, as Lord Crown is so fond of saying, they just kept piling it on and proving to me that I was right, while still expecting me to buy it. I know that something ended that night, and it wasn't just my accepting abuse. I just don't feel the same about them. I guess when you finally see it, it changes something in you. And that's okay. It really was them or me.

Segaya, I love the note about the Wonderwoman song! Thank you! You were so right earlier on when you said I was seeing through the lies and scams. Did you ever see the movie "Panic Room" with Jodie Foster? It's a good suspense thriller, but there's a line in there that really foretold all this. Jodie Foster is being questioned by another character as to her actions (I don't want to give anything away!), and she says, "Because it's going to come to that." And it is so true.

I will check in again tomorrow. I have to go feed Lord Crown;> I think the hero deserves a nice dinner, don't you? I'm so happy I gave you both some happiness. Knowing that you're out there and having been with me through the steps of this, it really made a difference, starting with knowing that it happens to others and it's true.

Very pink love and hugs!

Lady Crown

Dear friend,
Yes I am proud...I know so well where you are coming form...But I also know there is no stopping you now!! Not anymore....

There is no way you let them succeed again in what they will try to do again and again. Don't wait for them to see the light..Don't expect them to change...they simply won't!!!

It is , was and will remain all up to you...The big difference took place in you, nothing to do with them any more. They only pushed you over the edge in the sence that through all their actions you are clear now what was happening. No doubts anymore, no more looking in mirrors to find out what is wrong with you.. Now the vision is clear and it will never be blurb(???) again....
Now the focus can be all on yourself and your live with Lord Crown...
That is hard too isn't it.. What a change in perseptive, what a change ...a complete 180 you have to make now!! But what a good one!!!

The struggle is not over in that sense...... But it is so much more rewarding, and so much easier!!!
Please spread your wings and fly dear Lady Crown..feel how it is to be free and go where ever you choose to go.....The world and all on it is waiting for you......

Did you start working with the album already..? Did you go and meet the people yet who need your help with all these things??? Did you discover more then you expected???
I am tooo curious I think hwahwhwhha but I can't wait to hear more...and more...and more....

You are indeed such an example and such a brave person.... Wonderwoman in the true sence of the word!

on another subject I have to let you know; I am still washing my hair CO and, wauw, it is great. My hairdresser noticed the difference clearly and was very surpirsed about what I had to say about that!... It 's growing much faster and looks much better, feels better also and I won't stop doing it this way ever again!!!


There is so much I want to say to you, but just getting a bit better after being sever ill again, my condition is not up to it.
But... it is coming... no worries...
I love o hear more about you progression...
Love and many, many pinky proud hugs
Segaya

Hi,

I couldn´t add this to the book thread myself, so I also add it here in the "family" section.

http://tearsandhealing.com/

http://tearsandhealing.com/sociopath3.ht...CFQS-ugod8kfB7w

Greetings,
Pat

Hi, everyone. I've been viciously sick with flu for almost two months now, and Lord Crown actually took the computer away to work, to force me to rest. I wonder how you are all doing, and I'm sorry about the absence. I wanted to do a short post to say hello, and see how everyone is. I know it's an American holiday, but I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving no matter where you are. I'm thankful to have people like you in my life, being my friends, and knowing that you're out there for me, as I am for you. I'll fill you in on the status quo at some other point, as I have to rest now. I hope you're all doing well, and know I am thinking of you.

WIth much love,

Lady and Lord Crown

Dear Lady and Lord Crown.....
Sooo happy to see your name popping up!!!!
Aspecailly the last week or one and a half week I was thinking of you more often even then usually.
Ill by the flu for so very long.... It has to mean all your energy is gone!
Please be careful with yoruself. Maybe lord Crown was right to take the computer. You need a lot of rest...Not only to recover from the flu but from all that happend resently.
How are things now. Is the family leaving you in peace now or still trying to get their clauws in your life?
You 'winning the battle' will not put their minds at ease I expect!!
So I hope you keep going strong and close.

I am doing oke. Was ill for a while but much better now. I had a friend visit me last month ( is it just a month ago??? It seems ages)and it did me a lot of good. It gave me a change finally to talk my heart out about all things that happend in the past and still are happening.
It puts everything in perpective and it seems I am able now to look at things thathappend in a different matter.
As you kow I started a Dutch forum on psychopathy and I am surprissed at the number of visitors that come to read.I ever expected to be somuch in such a small country!
I know their are a lot of psychopaths out there, but didnt expect so many people wanting to know about all that'is involved for it takes such a long time to see it for what it is....
So what is left is my curiousity about how you are doing and what your plans are...
We know now you got your album..... are there new plans with it are you getting to the work you wanted to do with it... Are you still in contact with the right people?
How are you in general and how do you feel about yourself after the fights with your family.....
I can't wait to read more of you.......
Keep strong my friends
Lots of love and hugs Segaya

Hello Lord and Lady Crown

It is so good to hear from you. I was thinking about you yesterday!!! The reason I thought of you is because one of our new members is having a terrible time and doesn't know where to get help. It was going through my mind how we were all 'behind' you when went to visit your family and hoped you would be part of the group to be with her when she has to face her demon.

It sounds like you have more than just flu....your immune system must have taken a severe battering after years of fighting other things. You do need to get as much rest as possible and not to feel guilty about it. Our bodies tell us what they need and we have to listen.

I think Segaya asked all the questions for me, I'm really looking forward to hearing all about how things are going...when you are ready. It will be something to look forward to.

What I would really like to know, if you are ever able to tell us, is how you did it??? How were you able to face the challenge you did and succeed with your integrity in tact?
There must have been a hidden strength there all along and something told you the time was right to overcome the past?
I hope you will be able to share your thoughts with the members to give them the confidence to know so much canbe achieved.

All my best wishes for a very happy and successful future.
Jan