Jan36...

Thank you so much, however I can help I'd be glad to! I wanted to know if I could put his sentence up here to maybe give hope to someone...let me know

Hello Godsgrace

Thank you for offering your help, it is unusual for someone as young as you to have so much experience and who posts on the forum and can offer such insight into how a young person feels. I don't mean to be patronising so hope it doesn't come across like that.

I think it would be so useful if you could tell us what people around you did to help you see what was happening, if anything. At the best of times young people think they know how to handle their own lives and resent any interefence no matter how good the intention. There must have been ocassions when people were telling you things you didn't want to hear so how did you feel about that?

I was wondering if you asked for help from others when you were at your lowest or was the return to your mother the first time you relied on someone else? Finally what was the turning point for you?

I'm not sure what sentence you would like to post but I suppose as long as it follows the guidelines of the forum it should be OK, perhaps if you check the terms you will then be able to decide for yourself.

You must be having a great time with 5 little ones to look after and I wish your family a good future now you have remade your life together.

Regards
Jan

Well i have always been independant, I left home when I was sixteen and got emancipated by the time I was seventeen. I didnt like being dictated to by anyone...funny thing is, my boyfreind at the time whos now my husband, was very controlling and abusive.
I went through that for a long time and it was my dirty little secret.
Unfortunately my adopted mom has always had this I told you so type of attitude, so when I found myself in this perdicament with the sinister minister, I did not want to hear anything she might have to say.
I had not seen my real mom in 10 years, so when I went to stay with her it was for healing.
My friends didnt like the minister, so I cut them off. I did have one friend who I have always kept close to my heart and she would come over and beg me to break up with him. We would literally go rounds. He thought it would be best for me to just stay close to his mama, and family. He said everybody else was a bad influence. I did just that.
It took time for me to see with my own eyes what my friends had been saying. I drifted off into fantasy world, hoping that they were wrong and wishing that he would change. I just wanted to have the ideal relationship with someone. I wanted to have that image of perfection. His wierd little world became my obsession, because I thought I could be the one to help him out of his dark hole. I really thought at first that he was having a good job and money, to show me he could be a good man. But I didnt realise that he was just opperating on a higher scale of crime. He was doing things that he hadnt done before, such as the credit card fraud. I honestly had no idea until I found out for myself. I stayed in fantasy land for quite a long time, I felt like flawless there, but I also felt pressure to be the perfect woman for him, and I tried with every bone in my body. I lost weight I kept the house immaculate, I cooked these perfect little dinners, went to church almost every day, I never cussed smoked or did drugs or anything. I didnt nag him or ever give him a reason to go off. But he did. He found the smallest something and turned it into a huge deal and scared me and made threats.
I talked to my sister who lived in ATL over the phone and she kept saying that she felt like something wasnt right. Every where that I turned people kept saying that I should leave him alone, but it was all so confusing because he would tell me that people had called him and told him that I was betraying him and I wasnt good enough. Later I found out that that was an extention of his demented world...in other words he lied.
More later the phone is ringing!!!

Hello Godsgrace

What you say fits the pattern so clearly and you have described a progression of events and circumstances that enabled things to happen as they did. Obviously you are a very strong person who is introspective and able to work things out for yourself which you did remarkably quickly. Your independence worked in your favour.

I'm sure what you have written will strike a chord with many of the members of the forum and I would like to say thank you for sharing your experience with us all. It will be so useful to be able to direct new posters to what you have written to show them they are not the only ones to have the same experience and there is only one solution.

So many have said they thought the abusive partner would change or they could be the one to change them. They find they have been fleeced financially. They blame themselves, think they are not good enough. They change themselves to be what the partner 'wants' but nothing is enough. Others can see what is happening and can't understand why the victim is under a 'spell' as there is no logical explanation why someone should accept what is happening to them. I suppose lack of self esteem/belief doesn't help and is probably one of the reasons for getting into that sort of relationship whereas people with a strong self image would say "no-one is treating me like that!" and walk immediately before they get sucked in. Or the strong self image is eroded by the psychopath. They are very convincing and sometimes the victim gets trapped or has children to consider so it's not easy or that the partner doesn't start to show their true colours for a while and the victim has doubts that they are really experiencing what they are.

I wish you well and hope you let us know how you are doing.

Regards
Jan

Jan36

Most of the time I am doing okay, but lately I have been kinda down. I wish Life would just go on, but I find myself trying to be the perfect woman yet again...even in this relationship. I try to be the perfect mom...impossible, I try to say the best answer, and I sometimes feel like a walking talking puppet...I sometimes wonder if psychopathy is contagious. I know that time heals all wounds, but I almost feel like I have to over compensate for my mistakes, does that make sense? There are alot of esteem issues I havent gotten worked out yet. I go from day to day feeling this cloud of shame trying to over take me. We live in a small town now and I dont drive much, I go to church but I dont really leave my house much. I am saying these things to let people know that, yes, I was able to get out of the relationship, but he did do some serious damage. Please people understand that its not easy to recover, but recovery is possible...just keep trying and never give up on yourself or anybody you truly love...more later I am feeling pretty low today

Hello Godsgrace

I'm sorry to hear you have been feeling low recently, it was wrong to presume you are able to deal with the past without scars.
There is no such thing as the perfect person and it's sad that you feel you have to strive to be something impossible. You are who you are and if that person is a good, honest, caring person and you like who you are then that should be valued.

I don't believe psychopathy is contagious but it does massive destruction to people and their emotions. I think all credit to you that you realised what what happening and you had the sense to get away, we all make mistakes but I don't think it's necessary to carry on paying for them, you paid heavily for getting involved with this man. There is no debt to be paid. Far from being ashamed I think you should be proud of your choice to move on.

You have youth on your side so plenty of time to work on your self esteem and get your confidence back, I'm sure your experience will be used in a positive way to help others. I do wish you well and hope to hear about your ongoing recovery. I think you deserve respect for being so open and have concern for others.

Regards
Jan

Jan~
dont worry it will pass...it always does, Its just a very demanding lifestyle, motherhood I mean. Most people dont know what its like having more than two or three kids, but let me be the first to tell you all...its sometimes very taxing emotionally. Hopefully in time it will all pass.

To all~

I just wanted to share something personal...my cousin in north carolina was a police officer, and she had a crazy boyfriend and she let him go and he came back for months later and shot her to death. She died this morning five hours after he shot her. She was only 27 years old and she had a child. Very disturbing, thats why Relly I was saying these Psychopaths can be dangerous an dif ou know somebody like that you need to keep your distance.

Dear Godsgrace

What a terrible to thing to hear, a young woman with a young child and her life has been wiped out. I am so sorry.

Thank you for telling us about this horrific event and hope it acts as the warning you intended. These people are dangerous and we are not always aware how far they will go. For someone without a conscience committing any crime leaves them without a trace of guilt.

I feel very sad fof her child and all the family having to cope with losing her. I'm sure everyone here on the forum who reads your post will be very moved and hope it doesn't bring you down when you are having a low period so will be thinking of you.

You have your faith, which I'm sure must be tested at times like this, as a source of comfort.

Regards
Jan

Hi Jan - thanx heaps - yes my friend received an 'Apprehended Violence Order' (AVO) which is to 'protect' Mom from further abuse or violence from her daughter - nothing else, we were lucky - because the judge said that mom was inconsistent in many areas but as she stated under oath that she was fearful of her daughter, the judge granted her the AVO.
Also mom's ex-husband (whom she just divorced) turned up & then in the Courtroom, after the decision was handed down, threatened my friend & her partner & told them they had better start running as they were going to get them... Unbelievable - I did say earlier that I think he is also a part of mom's schemes & plots - he has now proven that to be the case & then he walked out of the court with mom arm in arm... go figure...
Seems that the whole bunch in mom's household is just like her (or at least loyal to her) which is mind boggling to even attempt to comprehend - it's just toooo much to take in. It really has to be seen to be believed - or others would just think you're nuts & making up this stuff - Hollywood could make a movie on this mom (mommy dearest??)but include the rest of the family as well - be interesting eh? ...

The lawyer told my friend not to go anywhere on her own, to be really vigilant & careful of the whole family (mom, step-father, half sisters & their partners) as he has seen enough & I watched him try his best to expose her, but unfortunately, he was bettered by a talented lying psychopath & a disinterested judge....

I am still worried though - as this is not over yet - total madness....

We have done everything possible that we know how... The rest is up to God & what will be will be - take it as it comes from here on..

Thanks for all your time & comments from all in the forum - it's made me take a good look at myself & how I express myself & how I am perceived by others & how I can change that to make life easier in the future - it's another journey / learning /personal development road I'm taking for self improvement. So there is a positive side to this for me personally, as well as learning heaps about psychos... I'm even considering seeing a counsellor again to help me work on those issues recently identified here... AGGHH therapy - I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I would wish it on my best friend - anyone who has been there would understand what I mean by that - hehehe
Oh well, here I go again, get physically ill, get mentally / emotionally better - go figure out that paradox...