I have an adopted child who is now 13 who was placed in my arms by his birth mom when he was 2 days old. I have 6 other adopted children at home, my youngest is 4. This boy has been extremely difficult since toddlerhood, he has been in phsyciatric treatment since he was 6 due to violence to himself and mostly to others. He has been on almost every medication and at one point he was taking 6 at once. None of them made any difference, so he is off all of them. All the counseling he has had hasn't either,in fact, there has been times where he has actually duped the counselor into believing stories. (He will make himself bleed and then say we beat him.) He was diagnosed with Conduct Disorder.

He has some people thinking he is an angel until he decides he doesn't care anymore. Then he can be brutal and threatening even to his teachers. He's been suspended more than once for disrespect. Always, it's their fault for making him mad. It has become so difficult to live a normal family life. He he has his own reality and cannot reason nor does he want to. We started trying to get help through hospitalization, but there doesn't seem to be any help available. We have had to use the juvenile justice system where he has been in detention several times, sometimes a month at a time. He has assaulted his siblings so many times. He constantly aggrevates his sweet autistic brother. He steals all kinds of things, lies (even when he knows we've seen it),damages things everywhere (stabbed the sofa and chairs with kitchen knife on more than one occasion.)He spins conversations until we're crazy! I'm not a yeller, but he makes me want to scream! Everything is someone else's fault, especially if I have to call his probation officer. It's my fault I called, not his behavior. He'll ask me a question and then tell me he's not listening and say terrible things if it's not what he wants to hear.

I feel like my life is surreal, like I live in a world where abuse is normal and I am so glad when he is kind for a few minutes. I have never believed in withholding affection, but I find myself with this wall and cringing when he wants to cuddle. Of course any affection is for his own benefit. But he's my child and I'm the adult and I feel guilty. He is constantly telling me I'm not his mother and he hates me and wants to get out. Even the day of my mother's funeral, he had no compassion. Then he will turn around and baby talk and act like it never happened. When he knows he is going to court, he will suddenly be sweet and say he loves me and he'll never say anything like that again and he didn't mean it and expect me to withhold any bad information. (He can also cry or throw up at the drop of a hat.)

The problem is also that I'm afraid to speak openly in front of my son to the judge because I wouldn't put it past him to kill us in our sleep.I have told the probation officer and the prosecuting attorney, and have pleaded with the judge, but the best they can do is give me some respite for a few days by putting him in detention. I seriously don't believe my other children are safe! And this is their childhood too, they should not have to live this way. I can't afford one of those $3,000 a month residential treatment centers. I don't know what to do. Does something horrible have to happen before there is real help? Thanks for letting me vent.

Hello Exhausted

I can identify with the problem you have and presume you have come to the forum in search for answers and probably the first question you are hoping to address is the condition your son has.

It's rare for parents to come here looking for information so you must have been to many other places and not had much success. Even if you just come to vent we all understand that is often very necessary as a release valve.

On the practical side we can offer you support and show you where to find information to help you deal with the day to day problems as well as long term solutions.

As I'm in the UK and in a different time zone I would like to come back to you later when I have time to respond in full. I could have written your post so I understand exactly what you are going through. In the meantime you may be able to go over my old posts or better still the original one which explains my situation and that I originally came to this forum for the same reasons you have.

Was your son born to a family member as you have had him since he was 2 days old? What was the first thing that alerted you that he had problems? If you know about his parents backgrounds it does help you identify if there have been any 'in utero' issues. Sometimes things like Foetal Alcohol Syndrome or Effect can confuse the problem of getting an accurate diagnosis.

If you could provide a little more detail of the early years and what you have already found out then we can discuss it in more depth later.

Regards
Jan

I know that nothing has really changed, but just reading your replies and knowing you all are out there, I feel I have more stability and strength to make it through today. I have to go to work, I'm an early childhood specialist working on a Native American reservation. My husband and I are caucasian, our children are African American, most of them born addicted. I will give more background this evening. Thank you so much for being here!

Hi exhausted, I know for adults therapy will only make the Psychopath worse. Frankly the system stinks as far as diagnosing these kids. Where in the world do people think adult Psychopath's come from, out of the blue sky? Dr. Hare has a Youth Checklist (for ages beginning at 14) and so does Dr. Frisk, I think I have Dr. Frisk's list in my files if you are interested in looking at it, let me know and I will email it to you.

It must be very hard on your family, I shudder to think of what you must be going through trying to keep all this together while watching this one child who seems to be a curve ball in the family.

I am sure that in a small but painful way you will find that you aren't alone as you read the stories in this section.

Would you mind if we moved your posts to one with a title like Adopted Child?

Can you arrange with the legal system to be able to present to the judge your information and history with this child without him being present?

Di

What is the law in your state that a child can be emancipated(sic) from adult care and make their own decisions?

Dianne, It would be fine to move my posts to one with a new title. Adopted Child is good.
I would be interested in have Dr. Frisk's list emailed to me also.
I think the only way I can get the judge to listen would be to hire an attorney to represent my husband and I. I don't believe a child can be emancipated until they are at least 16 (my son is still 13), and then they have to prove they can make it on their own. There is no way he would be able to function in the real world for very long. He can't maintain any relationships with friends or teachers. They find out he is lazy, he lies, and he will turn on them at any moment

Hai exhausted,
I hope you are doing just a tiny little better now you found this forum..Only knowing their are others who had the same situation and survived it, can help so much in gaining energy again..But that is my experience and I just say it because I hope it will have the same effect on you.

To be really honest..and not trying to be harse but sometimes there are no easy, nice ways to say things..
I think the only way to survive this for you, your husband and you other children is to get this kid out of the house asap...
I know this isn't nice to hear but I think to have read enough of your stories to say this.
It is indeed exhausting, not only to live like this but also finding solutions. Every door seems to close, every possibillity seems to be taken away, even before you can explore it... Trying to make people not only believe what you say but understand it, is an endless road so it seem...

I kicked my son out when he was just 17...He threaten to kill me before that for 6 or 7 yeas....At the time I was very ill and he thought he could nag me to death...This was the moment I knew I had to put and end to it for real for he would have succeeded.
Him being 17 was a luxery at that moment...before he was simply to young to throw him out!
And to be honest... I was thinking of that for many years before..What if he is old enough..? will I take action? And indeed I did...Finally...

I don't know a thing about the laws and possibilities in your country and I hope you will find a way to safe you and your other children.

There are a lot of people here from the USA and maybe they can help with these kind of matters.

Don't forget, every day is a step in the right direction to solve this..So just keep going!
See you soon!!
Segaya

Hello Exhausted

I do feel what Segaya says is an option for your family as a whole. My partner's kid left and went back to his bio mother at 14. Luckily it was his decision as it had got the 'him or me' stage. Not that I expected my partner to send him away, it was me that was going to leave. We were told by a professional person when my partner was feeling guilty that if he stayed with us he would destroy all three of us but if he left two people would survive.

It is so much easier for me to say these things because he wasn't my kid and I never liked him so his leaving was party time for me but my partner took it very hard. He felt guilty, a failure, at fault for producing and inflicting this kid on society and a quitter. He had got past the stage of what people thought of him but everyone apart from his own mother, the kid's gran, were totally supportive. There is not much they can say when the kid is still at home but their reactions after he had gone were enlightening.

This boy must take so much time and attention away from the other children as well as draining you. My aim is to get professionals to listen to us, researchers to get funding to find out what families need when kids cannot be treated and respite care with people fully trained in coping with CD kids.

Something will probably happen before long to take this decision of what to do with boy away from you. In the meantime you need to focus on yourself to be able to keep going and offer the other children more of your attention. Is there anyone who can give you and your husband a break or help with the children. Does your son behave differently if his siblings are not around and has your one to one attention?

I do wish there was something more positive and concrete that I could offer you, I feel so helpless to provide you with any comfort or hope that your son will improve and make your life less traumatic.

I hope you can keep coming here to speak to other people who fully understand your problems.

Regards
Jan

Hello Segaya, Yours was the first reply and was so understanding, I sobbed. I appreciate your words and your presence

Hai hai,
It is not so mucht the children themselfs who need attention or therapy, Agreeing it is psychopathy we already know they only get smarter in what to do and how to do it...We rather don't have attention or therapy, because of that even don't mind( speaking for myself) that professionals don't know what to do with it.. For there is nothing they can do... just as we can't..
The thing that is such a disappointment to me( understatement) is they don't even want to aknowlegde there is a problem most of the time. And when they do want to see there is a problem at least they can help the family. The parents.
They can send someone to suport them, take the kid out even if only for a couple of days a month so the rest of the family can recover a little bit and spend some time in peace, They could think with us about strategies to follow, ideas how to go through a day, listen to us.....many things can be done.
If only.........
Segaya

He is better without the other siblings around. He is jealous of them or just out and out hates them. Sometimes he tries to play with them, but he is too controlling. However, even though he is usually better with just us, he has gone beyond trying to treat us with respect and if he doesn't get his way in everything, he will go off anyway. He needs to be in a home with no other children. He seems to do better one on one with adult men.